Chapter 10:

"Hey, what are you doing up so early?" I hear Nick's voice as he leaves the bedroom and flash him a brief smile as he places his hands on my shoulders from behind the sofa.

"Couldn't sleep." I mumble, staring down into my cup of tea that was resting by my tummy.

"Nervous?" He bends down and places a kiss on the top of my head as I nod. "There's no need to be." He sighs, coming to sit down next to me as I place my tea on the coffee table so he would wrap me in a cuddle.

"I just can't..." I begin, my hands shaking so he steadies them, resting his on top

of mine.

"Hey, you went two weeks ago and everything was fine." He points out. "I promise you, it'll all be ok... And then we can tell a few people, yeah?"

"I don't know..." I mutter, still feeling shifty about tempting fate. "Can we just see how we feel after?"

"Suppose..." He nods, although I knew he was disappointed at my lack of excitement. "But it'll all be fine."

"How's your sickness?" The doctor asks, settling me into the chair and I nod timidly.

"It's lessened a bit the last few days." Nick explains, for me.

"Right okay, I'm going to begin the scan now." She smiles at me supportively, turning the screen to face her. "This might be a bit cold."

"Put up with worse, me." I tell her, as Nick's hand finds mine.

"Right..." She mumbles, positioning the scanner over my tummy. I wait with bated breath as she glides it across the smooth gel, Nick's gaze on the side of my face.

This was taking longer than it should. I could tell; the doctor's expression changed from warmth to concern.

"What's going on?" I manage to murmur, avoiding eye contact with Nick despite the fact his eyes were fixated on my stomach.

"...Uh..." She offers me a sympathetic smile before placing the instrument down. "I'm sorry..."

There's a silence, as I try to formulate some words. Nick releases his hand from mine, covering his face, but I don't look at him. I can't look at him.

Not again.

This was not happening again.

"...What..." I swallow, trying to get a view of the screen. "Sorry?"

"Carla don't." Nick says weakly as I force back tears, force back the lies he told me earlier, force back the past, force back the anger, force back the truth.

"No, it's wrong." I shake my head, aggressively, reaching for the scanner and trying to swipe it against my stomach as she prizes it from my grip. "Please..."

"I'm sorry but there is no heartbeat." She informs me and I can't stop the tears then, they spill from my eyes, pour down my face. Nick is by my side, crying with me, but I still don't look at him. I can't. Not when I've put him through this again. This was all my fault, all my fault that he suffered this heartache, all my fault he could never meet his child.

It hurts.

It hurts more than anything you can ever imagine.

More than when Liam died.

More than when Tony held a gun to my head.

More than when Frank raped me.

More than the guilt of thinking I murdered two innocent people.

It hurts, an unexplainable pain, because you couldn't save your own child, your own flesh and blood. A baby that you loved more than anything else in this world, who you tried to protect, but it still wasn't enough.

"...Can I get you anything?" Nick asks me, as I sit, numb on the sofa. I manage to shake my head, my hands clasped over my stomach, not moving. I couldn't. I wouldn't.

He doesn't dare sit down next to me. He stands, fragile, just staring at me. I could feel the pain, the sadness in his gaze, but I don't meet it. I don't want to look at him. I don't even want him to be here. I want to be alone, where I could cry and drink until I ached.

Nick pours himself a whiskey, positioning himself on a chair by the kitchen worktop. We don't talk, we just sit in an uncomfortable silence, tears tickling my cheeks as they slide down my face.

"...Don't blame yourself." Nick finally musters, his voice cracking as he says the words.

"Why not?" I murmur. "There is no one else to blame."

"There is no one to blame." He tells me, his voice firm, serious. He stands up, coming over to me and kneeling in front of my shaking body. "Carla." He whispers, but I stare straight ahead, staring at the framed picture of us that lies on the coffee table. We looked so happy. Like I'd told Nick, I wasn't used to it, where me and men were concerned. But in that photo it looked so real, yet we were here. "Carla look at me."

"What?" I snap, turning my head to meet his gaze. "They're gone, Nick. Just like I told you."

"You need to take the tablet." He reminds me and I shake my head. "Carla."

"LEAVE ME ALONE!" I scream at him suddenly, standing up, arms folded over my chest defensively. "IT'S MY BODY!"

"I know that." He replies, calmly. "But the doctor said-"

"GET OUT, NICK." I shout, tears streaming down my face.

"Carla." He says softly, his eyes full of hurt. "Please just listen-"

"I SAID GET OUT!" I yell and he stares at me for a few seconds. A stare that I couldn't bring myself to look at.

"...I'll be back in the morning." He nods, grabbing his coat. "Don't do anything stupid."

He leaves. I stand, alone, lost, empty. My hands gripping my tummy out of lost hope. I slide down the wall, collapsing in a heap of tears, shaking like a vulnerable little girl. I was a little girl, I always would be. And I could never, ever be a mother.

"Carla." I awake to feel Nick's hands on my arm, whispering softly. I was shaking, sweating, tossing and turning. "Carla sweetheart, wake up."

"Stop." I mumble, sitting up abruptly and shifting myself against the pillows. Nick has a lamp on already, and I stare into the distance as I try to steady my breathing rate.

"What happened?" He asks, calmly, offering me a glass of water which I sip gratefully.

"...I lost it." The words escape my mouth and I see the concern in his expression. "I lost the baby."

"It was a dream." He shakes his head, reassuring me. He reaches over to the side table and picks up the scan photo, handing it to me. "See? They're happy and healthy, all tucked up in there."

"Happy and healthy." I repeat, looking at Nick, my fear melting around me.

"You're both safe here." He strokes my hair, moving towards me and wrapping his arms around my frame. "It was a dream, you're going to be fine. It was all just a dream."

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