Disclaimer: As before
Author's Note: Wow, thank you for the reviews on the last chapter. I was absolutely convinced I was going to get flamed to Hell (so to speak) for that mean little twist so it was fantastic to hear that you thought I'd written it right. I offer you the next chapter as thanks...!
Baton Rouge
June 27th 2007
To My Roomie
Neela, calm down, it's okay, I understand. I'm kind of relieved you said that in one way. I mean, I want to see you again so badly, but I knew this soon was a crazy idea and I think I just needed you to tell me that. It would have been good though. I'm simply glad that we're still all right and me trying to rush things hasn't wrecked it all. I never used to have any patience at all, and these days it seems like all I keep getting told is to be patient; I'm not accusing you of saying that – I know you didn't – but I can't help being frustrated from time to time, and I can't stop myself pushing forwards.
I guess now all I can do is wait. It'll be worth it, I know, and I'm sure the moment will be even better when it does finally arrive. You're right of course, I am disappointed that I don't get to see you soon, but I know that it's for the best. I'm trusting your judgement on this one. Other than an occasional (but usually serious!) lapse, you always seem to know what the right thing to do is. What was it I said to you that day? Your ethical alarm system or something? Well, I'm happy to go with what the alarm system tells us if you are.
A month or two's time sounds good to me. Whenever really; although I hope it won't be too far away. It might be better some time when the town's a little less crazy, with not as much going on. Have you ever been to Baton Rouge, or even down South? I don't think I've ever asked you. If we wait until I'm stronger and able to get about more, I'll be able to show you more of the city. Although I'll warn you now, it gets pretty hot down here in the middle of summer!
Before I move on to all the other stuff you asked me about, I just want to say, the things you said to me about how much you wanted to see me really moved me Neela. It was so good to actually hear you say (well, see the words written but I always hear your voice in my head as I read these letters) all those things. I love to hear you describe without holding back just how strong your feelings are. I know there's more to be said in person, but it comes across implicitly in what you write, and it makes me feel… I can't really explain it. Happy isn't the right word. Of course, I am happy, but what it really makes me feel is more… complete. Whole. Almost sort of… safe. I kind of feel like you're not going to hurt me again, that this time, at last, you're being honest and open and there isn't going to be any more games. So there had better not be Rasgotra! You mess with me this time, and I'm done for!
So I'm going to return the favor and I hope what I'm going to say to you now makes you feel as good as the things you said to me made me feel. Neela, you fill my mind every second of the day. I think of you first thing in the morning and last thing at night. I think of you when I should be concentrating on different things entirely, like in my PT sessions. When it hurts, and when I can't make my body do what I want it to, I think of you and how things could be when I get through this and it makes me work even harder.
I ache to see you again as well. I want to look into your eyes and feel like I'm drowning, because that's how I always feel when I look at you. I want to take hold of your hand and run my thumb across the smooth skin of your wrist just like I did at the wedding, when I thought everything was going to be okay, and this time, I'm going to know it's going to be okay. I want to kiss you again like I did the night in the car, except this time, I swear to God I'm never going to stop. I love you Neela, and as soon as I can, I'm going to show you just how much… And that's why I want you to get your ass down here soon!
There, that's the 'us' talk over I think. Me me me now! The PT is going well, I'm still progressing overall. Well, I say 'well' but I didn't have such a good day today to be honest. I was hoping to be able to have a go with crutches by now, but it's just not happening. One of the prosthetics is rubbing the stump really badly and I need to have it refitted, so they weren't keen on me doing too much until it's sorted. I know I'm pushing myself too hard, but it's that damn impatience thing again – I cannot wait around and believe it'll all come right in time, that's not the sort of person I am. I want it all to happen yesterday, which in honesty isn't really helping the process. But, oh, I don't know, I just get frustrated with it sometimes; you've caught me at a bad moment. Ask me again another day and I'm sure I'll be more upbeat. I'm in a bit of pain today (from the prosthetic) kind of disappointed that I'm not going to be seeing you this weekend (I'd let myself get my hopes up even though I knew what your answer was going to be) and so I'm just generally grouchy and pissed off. Sorry to be putting this onto you, but you did ask me to share, so… It feels good to tell you actually. Talking to the shrink was good to start with, it helped with the anger and stuff, but now you and I have sorted things, I feel better telling you about it.
One thing I have discussed with the shrink a lot is going back to medicine. Every time you ask me about it, it makes me think, and Doctor Crossman has actually been a pretty good sounding board about it. I know that in time there's going to be no physical barrier to me going back, so I can't use that as an excuse. I've done a lot of thinking about it now, and talked it through several times, and I know I do want to be a doctor again. I thought about medicine and music, and all the other things that maybe I could do, like counselling perhaps, and I tried to picture myself doing each one and what my life might be like.
Basically, medicine came out on top. The rush of adrenaline I get from being a trauma doc isn't matched by anything, not even playing a great gig to a packed bar. And it isn't just that – I enjoy the work. It makes me think and care and be grateful for what I do have in a way another job simply couldn't. So there's your answer – yes, I do want to go back to medicine, and as soon as I am able. Can't have you beating me to Attending now, can I?
The other question, I know, is do I want to come back to County. Honestly, I'm not sure I do. People are always going to be comparing who I used to be to who I will be when I have finished my recovery, and I'm not sure I can handle that. When the new me is fully up and running (both literally and metaphorically) I think I'm going to prefer the new and improved model so I don't know if I'm going to want to be reminded on the old me every day. I know what County's like, and I can imagine the sideways glances and the whispers behind hands, and I know it would get on my nerves even if they're not remotely malicious.
But having said that, it kind of depends on you. Without either of us actually saying so, when I'm thinking about it, I've been kind of working on the principle that any decision about the future can't really be made without factoring 'us' into the equation. Is there an 'us' now? Maybe not yet I know, but I think there will be and I wouldn't want to make a decision about whether or not to come back to County without discussing it with you. I know you're settled there and probably don't want to move, in which case I guess I'd be looking at finishing my residency at Mercy (not that I really want to set foot in there ever again) or Northwestern. If you were prepared to leave County though, I wouldn't mind a new city and a fresh start. I'd be hesitant to give you a firm answer; it's a conversation I'd like to have with you in the future. But hey, we needn't worry about it for a while; I'm still a long way from actually going back to work.
As far as the situation with my parents goes… Well, I was kind of surprised when you asked me about that. You threw me for a loop a bit. I'm touched that you're interested and that you thought to ask. I'd tell you about it, but this letter is already getting pretty long and if I'm going to tell you, I'll tell you properly, explain it all to you, and I don't really have the time right now. I can't believe I'm about to say this, but Mom's calling me for dinner (I feel about ten years old again) so I'll save it for next time. I will tell you though, I promise.
The bit about going back to County; I'd like to hear what you think. I know I kind of asked some major stuff (in a round about sort of a way) so if you think I'm rushing ahead too fast, don't be scared to call me on it. I'd just… I'd really love to hear how you feel about it.
R
PS You sounded really concerned about Abby – I'm sure there isn't, but is there anything I can do to help? I have no idea what use I am hundreds of miles away and virtually confined to a wheelchair, but if you're worried about her, then I am too.