What was the one thing she wanted in life? How was anyone supposed to answer such a question? Cristina wasn't sure how to approach it.
If medicine wasn't the only thing she wanted in life, what was it? To be loved? That seemed vague and stupid. To love? That's even worse. Love was too elusive. She wasn't a brainless blonde. Her answer ought to be more hardcore.
"I don't want to be a robot," Cristina's response was barely audible. "I want to be more human."
Why would she think she wasn't human? At first, Alex thought she was kidding.
When he looked at her serious and determined expression, however, he was swept by guilt. He was one of them who made fun of her being cold-blooded.
Alex scratched the back of his ear. Somebody should have told her she wasn't the same intern he worked with on his first day under Bailey. She no longer ran away from her patients. When Denny died, she stayed with Izzie. At this very moment, she had tears in her eyes. If that wasn't human, what might that be?
"You're too hard on yourself," Alex's lips twitched. "You won't be thinking about this if you aren't human."
"I am emotionally lacking," Cristina spoke as if it was an eternal truth that everyone had to memorize by heart. "I'll never be like the rest of you."
"Don't say that."
Alex was feeling acutely uncomfortable with the verdict she gave herself. In front of him was a grown woman who showed the fear of a young child.
"I can never be like Meredith or Izzie."
"You don't have to be like them. You are different but you aren't indifferent. You know that, don't you?"
Burke said she was emotionally inadequate. That was it. No matter what others said, Burke's words echoed in her head, louder than the thunderstorm outside.
If it was only the tears, she knew she could cope with it. But that soft throbbing heart terrified her. In the past, she would have hardened it and driven everyone away. What was a better strategy than shutting people out of her life to keep herself from being rejected?
Not anymore. A part of her said she wanted to learn to feel. Burke melted the hardness in her heart and made her feel whole. She wasn't sure if she wanted to be cold again. She wasn't very old yet, but not young enough to start over.
Selfishly, that's another reason why she stayed. She could not imagine letting another person enter her life. She could not let go of a person who's grown to become part of her.
If she and Burke couldn't make it, she knew she's finished. Done.