Title: Fire Rebirth
Summary:Obligations, expectations, all made heavier by a young village standing on shaky legs. The gigantic construct that is the Clan is greater than I, and failure is not an option. I am headed for greatness - provided the world doesn't come crashing down on me before I get there. /OC Self-Insert, slightly AU
Author's Notes: Thanks to everyone who reviewed, it does mean a lot to me.
The fic is at 220 Follows now, that's pretty amazing. Thanks to everyone who kept reading so far.
I'm really anxious about this chapter because I don't know if it does what I wanted it to do.
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. Obviously.
chapter nine – courage
Standing on my tiptoes - because I was still so damn short - I peered into the crib, not quite sure what I was looking for, but somehow my mind told me that this was the place to go. There she was, quiet and peaceful. Yurei was an incredibly quiet baby, but then, she was also...
Was it really true? Was she unable to mold chakra or had I misheard during the conversation between my father and Izuna? Was she... how could that be? We had the same parents. Had she simply been so unlucky?
She was no option for clan head. She wasn't even able to become a kunoichi. Above all she did not deserve my jealousy.
It was late. I should be in bed, really. Not that I could sleep - I felt red eyes on me, watching me in the dark. I heard caws, I saw shadows move. Voices, worse - images. Sometimes I saw moving pictures, blood trails in the hallway. Memories. The Sharingan did not forget. How had I ever wished for those murderous eyes?
"Well, hello there."
"Hello…
"…You're an Uzumaki."
"Well, yes. Very observant of you. Uzumaki Arashi, and you are Kasai I take it?"
"A-ah… yes, my name is Kasai."
"So I finally get to meet my grand-daughter.
Yurei did not move. She was often silent, quiet. So small and helpless, so-
"I've heard great stories about you."
"They cannot have been that great."
If only I'd been stronger. We'd know, then. We'd know who had done this. I could have defeated him, torn him to shreds, blood and death be damned, I could have-
Should have.
But didn't.
"False modesty is far from being a virtue, child."
"This isn't modesty."
I pushed the crib until it softly rocked back and forth, unnoticed by the infant in its eternal slumber, but it wasn't her who needed to be calmed. The rocking motion made me feel useful in some way, although my feats had been far from it.
Courage, bah.
I gripped the wood so tightly it nearly cracked, my knuckles turning white under the pressure. Courage, what right did I have to ever think about courage? I had given promises I couldn't keep, yet I pretended that I'd never break them. I didn't have the courage, the strength needed to keep any of them. Watch yourself choking on your halo, girl.
If only I'd been stronger.
This room, it was especially bad here. I saw shadows closing in on me, going through those familiar motions repeatedly, ending with the familiar feeling of a gloved hand sliding around my throat. Yet, for some unexplainable reason, I felt no fear. I had survived them. They couldn't hurt me here any longer.
More importantly, one of them was dead. He would never return. Gone from this world.
And, shocking as it was, I felt the oh so familiar feeling of relief swell at the mere thought, a joy that should never be linked to the death of someone.
And yet...
It was the sight of her, of her sleeping form, that caused those feelings. Somewhere a voice called, mocking laughter echoing, asking me what atrocities I was capable of just to keep this little thing safe. Truly...
What was I capable of just to achieve that goal?
I closed my eyes, rubbing my lids - but the familiar, itching pain of sleep deprivation did not vanish. I should have been stronger. Killed them all, should have kept one of them alive for interrogation-
What was I thinking?
Shinobi thoughts, my dear. Isn't that what you wanted?
Oh, it was. I should have known that it wouldn't be so easy. Yet-
I clenched my fists, gritting my teeth until my jaw began to hurt, squeezing my eyes shut. Nothing I could do against this feeling of anger swelling in my chest, waves of furious energy crushing through my body. The sudden urge to destroy something surfaced, barely held back by the weak self-control the attack on my life had left me with.
If she truly wasn't able to, then someone else had to protect her. I could not always be here, but neither could my father or my uncle. Yet it meant one more person-... one more person, to fill another gap.
Just one more.
I watched the shadows move from the corner of my eyes, knowing full well that they'd disappear the moment I looked at them directly. The motion was imaginary, but it came so naturally - reaching for the kunai at my side, sliding my hand around the handle, throwing it in one clean motion.
The memory of wood splintering, flesh tearing. Blood seeping through clothes. The shadow vanished, leaving its siblings to fend for their own.
It was not real. I had no kunai, but the shadows weren't here either. My imagination. It was no memory, no. If it were they wouldn't smile, wouldn't ooze insanity. Just my imagination. And then I watched them vanish, one by one, joining their brother in the void of all things forgotten.
They did not return. I knew then, knew who I should make my promise to. My thoughts returned to him, the man I had only met today, yet had had such an influence on my mind.
"Hey," I breathed, so softly that even the lightest breeze would overpower it. Yurei did not react, but that was fine. There was no need. All that mattered was that I spoke those words to her.
"Your sister has a promise to make," I continued, closing my eyes. The exact words didn't matter, they never did. It was the meaning that counted, above all else.
"Whatever may come-"
"I wonder what caused those thoughts, then."
"I'm not strong enough."
"I see."
"Whoever we may face-"
"Do you wish to talk?"
"Maybe..."
"I will never abandon you."
The words came so easily, spilled from my lips like a waterfall, a breathed promise spoken on the honor of my forefathers, dead or alive, the legacy of clans and lineages older than their own memories. It was a promise only I and whatever gods were watching truly knew of, but she was the second person to receive this promise, the anchor- I could not, would not break my promise to my family. Maybe, by some miracle, she would remember one day, but in the end it didn't matter. The fact that it existed, that the words were spoken and didn't just remain as thoughts floating between existence and imagination - that was all that counted now.
The first foe to face was not an enemy that could be seen or heard. It was not a material or force, had no body, had no mind. It was purely myself, my own shadow. A weight I dragged along, an iron ball that became heavier as time passed by.
Truly, the first foe to face was none other than me.
As I turned towards the entrance I saw the flash of a kunai embedded in the wall before the image disappeared, leaving nothing but reality in its wake.
Evening. Fresh air, wind in my hair. It was cool outside, but I liked it. The darkness, for once, seemed comforting, not scary. No, it was a good thing that the sky was dark and not bright, there could not be a more fitting setting. In the darkness one had to find his way on his own.
Courage.
"Come, take a walk with me."
"But my friend-"
"It's alright, Kasai. I'll visit you later."
Flap, flap, a steady sound. Coming from the garden, flooding my ears. It sounded alarm bells in my head, clashing thoughts rushing through mind and body like a tidal wave.
But I had made my promise. I didn't break my promises, not anymore.
"I met your cousin yesterday. You are different from him, aren't you?"
"He has courage."
"You don't?"
"No."
Step by step- the grass was cold. But I liked being barefoot, liked feeling nature on my skin. Made me feel its life.
Flap, flap.
There sat a bird, mighty and noble, with wide wings and talons and a sharp beak. There sat a bird, eyes as sharp as only a bird's could be, unmatched by most. Most, but not all. There, there sat a bird, an image of pride and power. And there was he, a reflection, a mirror to what they were. He held it with grace, with confidence. Almost did I want to dash, to flee. Give in to the fear, the pounding of my heart flooding my ears.
"Why not?"
"I'm scared. Of so many things."
"Courage is not to be not scared at all."
"It is part of it."
I wanted to flee. I didn't.
Breathe.
Just a few steps, a few steps towards a demon with sharp weapons, tools to kill. A few steps, yet my legs almost gave in.
Almost.
"Courage is also to face one's fears. To become a better, stronger person in spiteof them."
"A stronger person..."
"Yes. It's what you want to be, isn't it?"
He turned – maybe because he had heard, maybe because he just knew. Eyes the color of onyx watched me, followed my every move as I stumbled, tripped – but I got closer. I got closer, that was all that mattered.
Progress.
"What I want to be?"
"Yes. That is what matters the most."
"I…"
"Think about it."
He stilled the bird, whispering words and gently petting its feathers, soft feathers. It was so beautiful. I wanted to be as majestic as a bird could be, as powerful as him. Deep inside my heart still lingered a wish, remnants of childhood days. Once, a long time ago, when dreams hadn't seemed as silly as they did now.
"I want to be someone others can admire. Someone worth looking up to."
Had wanted to be, so long ago. But it was a selfish wish, a childish dream, so I had forgotten about it. Was it really? Didn't the wish to be admired not also mean that I wanted to do good?
Father knelt, long before I arrived, reaching into his pouch. There, where he kept something I knew, something I had used in the past. A leather glove, a bit too large for my small palms but so much smaller than what he wore. It had been his a long time ago, when he'd been but a child learning from his father the art of falconry.
"A noble goal. But how do you want to achieve it?"
I crept closer, until only an arm's length separated us – me and the bird. Father was even closer, so close I could hear his breathing, but I had only eyes for her. Ikuji. She was large, even for her kind. And she was beautiful. So, so beautiful. If she weren't such a warrior, a mighty falcon, she could have been a princess.
He wordlessly offered me the glove. I grabbed it, shaking as I was, not even thinking about it. No time for thoughts now, no time for regrets. Regrets only led you backwards, remember. Always remember.
My fingers slid into the leather glove, maybe only without difficulty because it was so large, for my palms were wet with sweat and my arm was shaking. Father, in his endless foresight, gently steadied my limb with his free hand. Only a soft pressure, a gentle reminder that I wasn't alone, that he wouldn't let anything happen to me.
Not while he was here.
"I don't know. I don't even know where to start."
"Stumbling through darkness, are you? Then you must find a light."
"How?"
"What a silly question. You have people shining like beacons all around you."
He worked his magic with quick fingers and graceful movements, and ere I knew a weight settled on my arm, heavy in its significance yet so light. I stilled, paused – felt my heart pound in my chest, blood rushing through my body like a wild torrent. No, a river, savage and free in its very nature. Birds were free as well. Free to go where they wanted, not restricted by the boundaries, the borders of the horizon. Free to soar and fly. I wanted to soar as well. Be free.
Free of fears.
"But how do I know who I can trust?"
"It depends. Caution is good, but you must not completely forget to trust. Trust is important. It allows us to relax, get the rest we need. I trust my leader to make all his decisions for the good of the clan, so I have one thing less to worry about."
The shaking did not stop, held on for a long while – but Ikuji remained calm and Father's breathing remained steady.
The body couldn't hold up high stress levels for a long time, so naturally the fear subsided after what felt like an eternity, but was in reality probably just a few minutes. My heart was still pounding, I was shaking and I felt incredibly light-headed, but I was oddly calm all of a sudden. Breathing flatly, watching the bird as it sat on my arm at ease.
Father's grip on my arm disappeared, leaving me to carry my weight on my own. His presence lingered though, close enough to my mind to steady me itself.
"Got yourself together?" he breathed, voice low.
"It... took me a while."
"Oh…"
"If you wish to be admired there are many ways. Become a good leader, be a guardian. Be an inspiration, someone people can turn to in times of doubt. A beacon like your uncle."
"As long as you go forward," he replied, rising to his feet. "Follow."
I stirred, even if reluctantly, out of fear that the bird would break out the moment I moved. But Ikuji, majestic, proud Ikuji, she remained calm. Quiet.
Father walked in long strides, and in order to follow I had to hurry. He was headed towards the mews in the back, where his birds lived. Beautiful birds. Raptors.
"I... I've made a mistake."
"Mistakes are fine as long as you learn from them. What was your mistake, if I may ask?"
The one he was headed for was, odd as it was, completely empty. I could see no bird inside. He shoved the door open, quietly as to not disturb his raptors, then stepped inside. Reluctance held me back, but in the end I followed. It was empty after all.
He took Ikuji from my arm, ever calm Ikuji, and softly allowed her to settle on the branch attached to the wall. He huffed gently, pushed me forward with his palm pressing against my back, then closed the door behind us. Only now did I see the nest box in the corner, filled with soft padding. He reached inside with both his hands, withdrew with his palms cupping something I couldn't see.
"Open your hands," he instructed. I obeyed, forming a little bowl with my palms. Something warm touched my skin when he softly opened his hands over mine, something warm, soft and feathery.
"Is that-"
"A raven," he replied, finally removing his arms, thus allowing me to see. I had expected a young falcon at first, but this…
It couldn't be older than a few days. Black feathers barely visible yet, a dark grey beak, coal eyes. But it was a baby. Just a baby. Not scary at all.
"Wrong priorities."
"Oh, that can be fixed. Promise me something, though."
"I barely know you."
"Find someone to give this promise to, then."
"And what would the promise be?"
"I cannot help you train him," he said. I stared at the young bird, merely a fledgling. He would be huge one day, I had a feeling. "I'm a falconer. Corvids are no raptors. You will have to do it on your own."
On my own. No one there to help me. I was… oddly thankful. He could have gotten me a falcon and helped me raise it, but instead he had brought me something I could only do myself.
"Learn to face your fears. Become stronger."
"Thank you," I breathed, not quite knowing what to say. What I felt was a weird mix between wanting to cry and laugh, because for once I felt like soaring. I gently put the young bird back into his box, afraid that every little movement could hurt him or that I dropped him.
"Face... face my fears? How does one go about that..."
"Hah, find a motivation first. You want to be stronger? Find a motivation that drives you forward. Do you respect yourself?"
"... There was a time when I didn't. I think I still don't, not really."
"Then it's a good time to start. To accept oneself first is the first step towards changing what one is."
"Do you think Karasu is a good name?"
"It's a simple one," he replied. "I thought you would need him, but it seems like you pulled through on your own."
"No, it's… this is perfect. I think I'll need him regardless."
For growing, and for facing the one who had done this to us. He'd pay. I would make him pay.
Father grunted, softly shaking his head. "What made you come to me?"
"A promise I made."
AN:
Karasu, hahahaha oooh I'm so creative. (It means crow. Yeah, I know.)
I could have written half a novel introducing Arashi, but in all honesty... priorities. This won't be the last of him anyway.
No, Kawarama is not a canon character. There wasa canon character named Kawarama who was (most likely) Hashirama's brother or at least family member. The Kawarama in this FF was in fact named after said brother, but they are not the same person :)
Kasai and… Tobirama? Well, that's certainly an… interesting thought. Tobirama is maybe three years younger than Hashirama (he didn't look much younger in the manga when they were children) which would put him to at least 16 years at Kasai's birth. (Kawarama was born later.) 16 years is quite the age difference. Not a terribleone (though I guess opinions vary on that, ha) but it is a big one. Personally I don't mind large age gaps (and thus Kasai wouldn't either) but I think not everyone is okay with stuff like that. Also, making a pairing like that work is hard.Probably not impossible, but I'm not an experienced writer at all.
I had to shuffle some stuff around due to restructuring certain parts of the story.
I could seriously need a beta, not just for grammar but also as a second judge. Also maybe someone I could discuss stuff with. I'm usually available on Skype, if one of you is interested just send me a PM here. (I should have looked for one a loooot earlier, but I'm usually either too shy or too proud to ask for help, heh.)
Someone has drawn fanart for Fire Rebirth! A thank you to the lovely Schoki, if you want to take a look at it just head over to DeviantArt and add this to the address:
/art/Fire-Rebirth-Characters-367025505?ga_submit_n e %20w10%253A1366571249