AN: I fell ill on Sunday, after a particularly wonderful weekend. Without sounding dramatic, I can safely say it was a near near-death experience. Am recovering now, so my updates won't be daily. Probably every other day or two. Sorry for my mini disappearance.
It was a job, a really damn tiresome job to open her eyes, but she did. Her mind was all muddled up, but there was one thing she knew for sure – that at a specific time each day, someone was there talking to her. She couldn't say what it was that person talked about obviously, but the voice was soothing and cheerful enough to make her look forward to this particular time.
Except today, that voice wasn't as lively as it normally was.
''….Please Jane. They are SO worried about you,'' she heard that voice plead with her. And these are the first words that she can actually attach meaning to since ever being in the state she is. And even though she's tired and feels like a thick layer of concrete has been pasted on top of her, she does her absolute best to open her eyes. Because that voice is begging, and even in her dazed state she can decipher the undertones of tears.
And so she opens her eyes, and it's so bright that she has to quickly close them again as a growl escapes her very dry mouth.
She hears her gasp.
''Jane,'' Maura whispers, almost afraid that she had imaged everything.
And then Jane opens her eyes a little slower this time, until they are fully open. Maura actually lets out a sob. Because for the first time in her life she is completely overwhelmed with emotions that she can't do anything. Her mind has gone completely blank and her body is frozen.
So they just stare at each other in silence. This goes on for almost a whole minute until suddenly Maura rises from her chair, completely frantic such that Jane's heart monitor goes off immediately. Maura doesn't consider this as she runs, quite literally, to get the doctor.
Three doctors, including Maura and Jane, are congregated in the room in no time at all. And suddenly Maura feels like an intruder as the female doctor asks Jane questions and does an overall check-up. Quietly, she slips out of the room and remembers to call Angela - thankfully.
It's the Friday after the Sunday play-date. They actually have a routine now, so Maura knows exactly where Angela is. Early morning as it is, the Rizzoli matriarch is getting the kids ready for school.
''I'm on my way right now Maura. Thank you sooooo much,'' Angela says as if Maura had personal woken Jane up.
So Angela cancels school for the girls, because really, could there be anything more important? The girls had been even more difficult that week. Crying and begging for their mother. Everyone had been at wits end. So when Angela tells them that they are going to see their mum, even the young girls can't hold back their tears of joy. Because their small minds couldn't find the right words to express just how much they were missing their mother for the during of her 'illness'.
Maura stands against the wall rubbing imaginary goosebumps, or maybe they really are there – she can't be sure. She's so relieved that Jane is up. She's so happy for the entire Rizzoli family. But she is so scared. Terrified actually.
She looks on into the room through the window as the doctors perform their routine checks on Jane. Maura sees Jane nod and blink when prompted. She isn't sure if Jane is actually making sounds but she can see her lips move and the doctors' nod.
...
It's too soon. She cannot imagine how Angela has made it to the hospital that fast. It only seems like ten minutes since she called the woman. And down the hall, she sees Angela run towards the room, Keira and Eva in tow.
''Oh Maura, how is she?'' Angela asks loudly before she even gets to the blonde.
''I think she's okay,'' comes Maura's lower register. And before anything else can be said, the three barricade into Jane's room.
Maura is shattered.
She can feel the pieces of her heart falling to the ground one by one. Eva and Keira didn't so much as acknowledge her as they sprinted to their mother. She knew this would happen. That once Jane was alright her purpose would be served and she'd no longer be needed.
Knowing it and feeling it are two different things however.
''Mama!'' the girls cry as they rush to their mother's side. The doctors must have a small idea of the emotional turmoil the family has been through, because they stand back and let the girls climb onto Jane. And Jane is so happy and overwhelmed she hasn't the words at the moment. Her hands are like iron plates but she manages to lift them up so she can wrap one around each girl. And they all cry. Keira and Eva cling to their mother for dear life, and everyone else worries they may not be able to pry the girls away.
They stay like that for a long time, until Angela finally speaks – her throat had been clogged up since laying her eyes on her only daughter. ''Jane, how are you honey?'' she says as she moves to have her chance with her daughter. And Keira and Eva let her, if only for a few seconds before they fall back against their mother. Jane is so glad her body doesn't hurt, because she doesn't know how she would have been able to pull the girls away.
Jane just smiles at her mother as the girls wipe her tears away.
The doctors intervene finally, taking Angela to the side of the room so that they can explain Jane's medical situation to her. According to their findings, Jane is generally alright. She hasn't lost her memory and is responding to stimuli as expected. They say they have to keep a close eye on her, and Angela needs to inform them if anything of consequence happens. She nods and they leave to give the family their privacy.
''I missed you,'' Jane rasps to her girls. And that seems to open the flood gates of chatter, it is just the prompt they needed – because they open their mouths and words spill out nonstop like a waterfall.
''Why couldn't we come to see you?''
''We missed you Mama''
''What happened to your head? Why is there a bandage?''
''I passed my math quiz. Maura taught me everything''
''And we had a play date with Lisa and Kim''
''Oh, and we can swim now. Maura showed us how to float''
''Maura has a huge tortoise. His name is Bass''
''And we have our own rooms now, at her house''
And suddenly all Jane can hear is Maura, Maura, Maura.
Doctor Maura Isles? (Jane vaguely remembers seeing the medical examiners face when she woke up, but she can't be sure. It's something like a dream now.)
She doesn't know anything about this development. The doctors told her she had been in a coma for about four weeks. She can't begin to imagine how all of this could have happened in four weeks. But she's awake, and her daughters are fine and happy, so she smiles at them, because she is happy too. Angela sits on a chair beside the bed and laughs along as the girls talk about everything under the sun.
From the window, Maura just watches. She wasn't aware that there was any pain that could hurt more that her infertility. She watches the girls talk animatedly, and Jane and Angela laugh. She knows her job is done. That if she's lucky (or maybe unlucky in her case) she'll bump into the twins every once in a while in the Division One Café. That she'll only now get updates from Angela on how the girls are doing. She knows now that at some point she'll have to face Detective Rizzoli and she isn't sure what Jane will have to say.
But the dominant emotion is despair. Absolute anguish and emptiness. She isn't sure what she will do with herself henceforth. She should have listened to her wife and kept her boundaries.
Sharon.
It's like an epiphany how she suddenly remembers her wife.
And so she looks through the window one last time. Sees the happy family that she knows have all but forgotten her and she walks away. What she doesn't know it that all the 'happy family' is talking about is her.
''And she's very smart. She taught me a cool way to remember my times tables''
''She's so kind. When I'm sad she sleeps with me just like you do Mama''
''And she says it's okay to play with her make-up as long as we wash our face afterwards''
''Did you know that some super healthy food is actually nice?''
''She's so pretty''
''One time the waitress thought she was our mother''
''Last week at soccer practice when I fell and scrapped my knee she bandaged it and let choose what we ate and watched on tv all day''
''You'll see when she comes, she's so nice''
''I love her''
What a shame. Maura heard none of this as she walked away.
She would never be able to mend her heart, she knew it. The cords holding it together after the failed pregnancies were pulled apart and raptured irreplaceably.
Her only refuge was her wife, who while being able to console her in the past, would only marginally make a dent now – if at all.
Sharon was scheduled to be in Boston the coming week, but Maura couldn't wait that long. When she got home she purchased a ticket to join her wife in Arizona for a few days. Perhaps a different atmosphere would do her a little good.
She doubted it though.
''What are you doing here Maura?'' Sharon eventually gathered the guts to ask her wife this all important question. Maura had spontaneously made a trip miles away for no other reason than that she missed her and needed a little break from work and Boston. Sharon wasn't buying it one bit. And because Maura had arrived in the evening she waited until later on in the night to bring it up.
''I told you already.'' Maura answered with absolutely no conviction. ''Why don't we go out somewhere? Have a few drinks then come back later'' she suggested.
Maura and spontaneous where parallel lines – they never met. She was meticulous and organised and planned well in advance. This idea of 'I'm flying to Arizona to see my wife' or 'let's go out for drinks', it wasn't her. But Sharon didn't have it in her to decline the invite. Because one, she herself would like to go out, two, she did miss her wife, and three, she knew Maura couldn't keep it all inside for too long, eventually the blonde would share what was really going on. And it wasn't exactly rocket science anyway. Sharon was 99% convinced it had to do with the Rizzoli's. What she didn't know was just the particulars.
And so they went out for 'drinks'.
It was in the small posh bar that Maura began to drink glass after glass of wine. There was a band playing music that did nothing but remind Maura of all that she was missing. She didn't want to be having drinks with her wife; she wanted to be in Boston running up and down with Keira and Eva. She wanted to be doing school runs and making them dinner and combing their hair. She wanted to be ironing their school uniforms and packing lunch for them or making breakfast. She wanted to hold Keira in her arms until she fell asleep and she wanted to argue with Eva about her homework.
Even the alcohol was failing her.
Because in her inebriated state, she still couldn't forget the way their small hands fit in hers. Or the way Keira fit on her hip or sunk onto her chest at night time.
Before she knew it she was in the bathroom puking her guts out. And it had nothing to do with the excessive alcohol. Sharon who had been hot on her heels held her hair up while rubbing her back.
''It's okay love,'' she cooed.
It wasn't okay. Couldn't she see that?
Maura didn't realize that she just spoke those words out instead of just thinking them.
''Sorry?''
''I said it's not okay. It never will be.'' It felt so good to let some of that pent up emotion out. It wasn't fair to Sharon obviously, who had done nothing wrong, but oh well….
''Maura, you know I can't help you if I don't know what's wrong. In fact, scratch that, I know what's wrong'' they were now stood in the stall facing each other. ''If I remember well, which I do, I warned you that this wouldn't end well. Now lo-''
''Don't say that,'' she muttered under her breath. Sharon could feel Maura boiling and crashing inside at the same time.
''Why are you here Maura?'' Sharon asked once again. Maura just shook her head, not wanting to tell the truth but knowing she couldn't lie. ''Why?'' Sharon had always been an persistent person.
''Because-''
''Just say it,'' Sharon almost stomped her foot.
''BECAUSE OKAY!'' Maura started to yell all of a sudden. ''because Jane is awake. And the children don't need me anymore. No one does. Do you know how good it felt, to be needed? For the past weeks I was like their knight in shining armour, which it's ironic because they were actually my saviours. And now their mother is awake and alright and there is no room for me anymore. I was sinking, for just those few hours without them, so I couldn't stay in Boston, and here I am now,'' she flailed her hands in a show of her presence. Sharon watched her disbelievingly from her side of the small toilet stall. This is the part where she was going to say to her wife 'so what's my purpose in your life? Don't you think I need you? So you are just using me because the girls aren't around anymore? So you don't even miss me and just came out to Arizona because you had nowhere else to go?' This is the part where she could have said so much, but she simply pulled out Maura's cellphone from her purse.
''Go back to Boston Maura.'' It came out as an instruction as she scrolled through the phone, pulled up the inbox and handed the device to the distraught blonde. Before Maura could respond Sharon had walked out. Her eyes grew wide as she read through the messages in her inbox - the first one at 13:34 and the last one at 00:27
It's Kie and Eva. We miss you
When are you coming to see Mama, she's okay now. We told her all about you.
How come we haven't seen you yet?
Mama said we have to ask if we can call you because it's almost midnight. Is it okay? Are you busy?
Maura….please reply
Are you sleeping already?
We miss you. Will you come tomorrow?
Pretty pretty pretty pretty please call us
Mama said we can't text you anymore because maybe we are bothering you. But we told her you said we could talk to you anytime. But I think she doesn't believe us. Please call (several heart emoticons)
9 messages from Angela's number. Maura's heart just about expanded and exploded with love. She wasn't sure what she would say to her wife (who had already read these messages by the way), but she knew she was heading back to Boston first thing in the morning.
She had had enough of this running and sitting on the side steps. Since her childhood she had never fought for anyone or anything. She got what she got, and lost what she lost. She didn't know how to fight, or what to fight for even. What was worth the trouble and what wasn't? And she also didn't want to lose, because she didn't know what losing a fight felt like.
She had tried to have children and then now given up. That wasn't the same as this fight .
She was Maura freaking Isles. She was a intelligent and kind woman, smart and loyal and loving and caring and selfless and compassionate and about a million other things. Didn't that count for something?
It did.
She had this huge heart filled with so much love and absolutely no one to give it to. It was overflowing now, some people to be loved were due to come into her life.
So she was going to fight for Keira and Eva. They weren't her children, weren't related to her, but that didn't matter. She was going to face Jane Rizzoli, which was going to be the toughest thing she'd probably ever done in her life, but she was going to face her. And do or say what, she didn't know. But she wasn't backing down. Not this time.
Finally she had something worth fighting for – Keira and Eva. And if she lost, at least she'd know it was a battle worth fighting for. Because she loved them, and she knew they loved her. That should count for something right?
"It's hard to fight when the fight ain't fair."
― Taylor Swift