She dressed herself slowly; first the lacy black bra and a matching pair of underwear from her top dresser drawer, chuckling to herself as she felt his eyes roaming up and down her body from somewhere amongst the pillows and the covers of the bed he hadn't bothered to crawl out of. Then the navy pair of trousers and a pale grey blouse, Hank's dog tags sliding underneath the fabric as she buttoned and the collar folding over near the crook of her neck, a professional persona she was now expected to carry at the office that hadn't laid quite so heavily on her shoulders when patrolling the streets of Chicago, a sudden longing for her signature beanies and dark faded jeans.
"You're beautiful, you know." His sleepy voice had always gotten to her, always sent a shiver up and down her spine, caused her fingers to twitch with the longing of trailing them ever so softly across his jawline from the first time that pleasurable sound had danced across her eardrums, from that very first night that lasted a bit longer than she'd meant for, that very first night when they realized they didn't work together any longer and that maybe, just maybe it was time to stop the tiptoeing.
Her hazel orbs wandered over to the bed, his strong frame propped up and hidden only slightly under the comforter, his chest bare and his hair disheveled and a shadow of unshaven facial hair across his cheeks and she almost voiced her displeasure, voiced that she hated the way it tickled her own skin and scratched across her own lips but somewhere she realized it probably wasn't her place anymore and somewhere she realized she wasn't even quite sure of the entirety of what had happened between the both of them even meant because at the end of the day her home was this prim and proper apartment and his home was her old city of Chicago.
But today was not a day to bring up their reality- no, today was going to be a day of pretending and imagining and wondering what would happen if she left New York behind and sat beside him on that return flight she knew he would be expected to get on with his hand in her lap and his head on her shoulder and absolutely no plan in her head as to what her future would entail. Today would be imagining what it would be like to keep him here, in this new world with his impeccable cleaning habits and extraordinary cooking talents, with his ridiculous snorts of laughter whenever she tickled the bottoms of his feet or the horrendous screeching that he called singing whenever 'she will be loved' played on the radio.
"Are you sure it's not too… I don't know, stuffy? I feel like I'm fifty. I might as well have three cats and a couple grandkids by now," she huffed into the mirror, raking her fingers through her hair which probably should've been clean and smelling something like coconuts, but she'd been a tad bit distracted in the shower earlier that same morning and then again just a half hour ago rolling around in the sheets so to be completely honest she was fairly sure she'd forgotten to actually accomplish anything in the damn thing except getting him off with her hands and her tongue and her mouth. underneath the steady stream of warm water. She crinkled her nose and caught his gaze in the mirror, whirling to find him stifling a laugh and all she could manage was a roll of her eyes because he still looked absolutely delectable in the early morning streams of sunlight and if she went anywhere near that damn bed again they'd never make it out of the apartment.
"Jay, you have two minutes to get your ass up and looking presentable. There's stuff in the closet of yours I-" And then her hazel eyes widened, realizing what she'd just admitted to. Realizing he now knew she had kept a part of his wardrobe that he'd neglected to come back for all those months ago from their shared apartment in Chicago- had boxed it up and taken it with her, almost as if she had known he'd come back. Almost as if she'd known all along he'd end up right here with her, that she'd let him right back in with his adorable smirks and that dash of freckles across his nose.
He stood then, up out of the bed, her back now to him and her cheeks flushed with embarrassment as she tucked in the bottom of her blouse, turning then to find him fully clothed in a casual pair of jeans and her favorite maroon colored henley. Damn it.
"I shouldn't have left. I shouldn't have- I didn't want you to see me like…" He trailed off, his blue eyes suddenly distant, lost in a world she hadn't yet become a part of, the world full of guns and his regret and his hatred of everything that he was. Slowly but surely, he was letting her in.
"Like what, Jay? A human being?" Her gaze softened, taking the few steps to get to him, her arms slipping around his waist as his fingers brushed up against her skin as he smoothed a piece of hair off her cheek.
"I uh- it's getting easier to talk about. I'm getting there, Er. I promise." She rested her chin on his chest as he looked down at her, her lips turning up in the hint of a sad grin because this was progress but she was well aware of the fact that it wasn't easy. It wasn't easy admitting to your faults and admitting to your mistakes and coming to terms with the fact that you were an absolute broken mess of a person and now had to live with the side effects. With the consequences. With the memories of your worst fears coming to life right before your very eyes, the people you had hurt and the people you had lost and the pure pieces of you that you'd had to give up in order to survive. She knew. Of course she knew.
"I love you," Erin whispered, and he kissed her lips again without the urgency but with just as much need, just as much emotion and just as much desire.
"I love you too," he breathed. And she hoped those words were enough to pull him out, to bring him back to her with his crooked grins and mumbled retorts as she slid behind the driver's wheel, knowing those words weren't enough to heal but that they were enough to let him know that she would never ever leave his side.
X
She'd gotten permission over the phone to bring Jay into the building, though she was certain her vouching for him would've gotten him any sort of clearance he wanted because so far she'd given them their only solid break in the case over the past few weeks. She watched his blue eyes wander to take it all in; the floor to ceiling glass windows, the hustling lethal agents dressed head to toe in business attire, the badges and IDs glinting off of their belt loops, the same one adorning her own hip, the same one that made her different from him, no longer just a member of Intelligence but a member of the FBI.
"This way," she murmured, tugging on the bottom of his t-shirt and allowing some sort of bodily contact, just enough to get his attention and to let her know she wasn't going anywhere, that she wouldn't leave him floundering.
Erin listened to the sound of his footsteps as she led him to the elevator, pressing her finger on the twenty-third button, her hand finding his and squeezing tightly. This was easier. This city, this job was easier to handle with him.
"This is intense," he whispered. And though they were alone she had to grin because he was right. He could pick up on it, his instincts kicking up into overdrive.
"Yeah. Hey…" She tugged on his fingers to get him to look at her, to let her see the anticipation and the concern flashing in his blue orbs. "Thank you for coming." He nodded, a hint of a smile turning up his lips but it didn't meet his eyes. This was her world now. And of course that wouldn't sit well in the pit of his stomach.
Then the elevator dinged and the door opened and their fingers came apart, Agent Spencer meeting them right at the door, Erin's head reeling to try to catch up as she launched into new developments, handing them each a cup of coffee as she led them down the long hallway to the conference room.
"More soldiers are dead. This time a whole camp." Erin stiffened and this time she didn't hesitate, didn't care in the slightest about what it would imply as she rested her hand on the small of Jay's back, watching his eyes travel back and forth between the monitors and his jaw tighten at the faces of the terrorists they'd been battling for months now.
"Do we have names? Names of the men we lost?" Erin growled, her fury growing, needing to lash out at someone because they were still playing catch up.
Spencer nodded, fidgeting with a pen and doing everything except meeting their eyes. "But they all got away. We just have intel on who's the head of it. A soldier radioed before they were completely ambushed."
She watched as her superior clicked a few buttons and entered a few passwords and then the faces changed, the faces of the dead appearing in front of them all along with the man supposedly responsible for it all.
She felt Jay fidget beside her, taking a step away from her as he ran the palm of his free hand up and down his face, as if he was dreaming, as if none of this was really real and he wasn't staring at twelve soldiers who'd been taken far too soon, a piece of his nightmares coming to life right before his very eyes.
"Er, we killed him. He's supposed to be dead," Jay croaked, his eyes now trained on the photo of the terrorist, the man with black pits for eyes and a sickening smirk for an expression.
And then he was gone, sprinting out the room and out of her line of sight with his cup of coffee somewhere long forgotten and she tried to take a step after him but Jennifer snatched her arm, kept her firmly planted in place and Erin tugged it away, her hazel hues fiery because she'd just made a horrible mistake stepping between her and the man she loved.
"I need you to give me his information. His name and his old unit and then you can have the rest of the day. I promise. We need this before more end up like them."
Erin clenched her jaw but she nodded, rattling off what they needed to know to look up previous missions that were more than likely highly classified, taking all but a few seconds to stop the shaking that had traveled all the way to her fingers before ducking out of the room to find him.