Cuisine of Death
Chapter 10
Blade: Hello people! Ryokablade is back again! However, we have been swamped over with lots of work, and may not be able to update for a short awhile... *looks at Ryo who is huddled in a corner being depressed.
Blade: Are you okay?
Ryo: Fever...
Blade: ….scratch that, we won't be able to update for a long period of time...whatever, enjoy the chapter and send Ryo some get better soon wishes or whatever.
Ryo: meh...*coughs lungs out
Byakuya stared with furious hatred at the mouth that was curled up his leg. It did not help that he was forced to listen to conversations that sounded rather...inappropriate to him and could do little about it.
"RUKIA! KEKEKE!"
"Stop it, Ichigo! Control yourself!" protested Rukia. Byakuya flinched a bit as he felt stomach fluids bubble around his foot and felt something being shoved.
"Ow!" Head Captain Yamamoto whacked Byakuya hard in the hip with his cane, and Byukya twitched some more.
"Head Captain, please refrain from hitting me with your cane-zanpakto."
The Head Captain wasn't listening, and was frantically kicking his legs while attempting to keep his head above stomach fluid level.
It didn't help either that the kido rope that Soifon had used had also bound his stomach so that his head was flat against the blinding hot pink skin of Minazuki.
The poison seemed to causing more side effects, especially when Byakuya heard Unohana singing rather loudly.
"I LOVE YOU! YOU LOVE ME! WE'RE A HAPPY FAMILY, WITH A GREAT BIG HUG AND A KISS FROM ME TO YOUUU!" she leaned forward and attempted to give a big smooch to Byakuya. Byakuya paled miserably and managed to move away just in time.
"The heck? Is that Barney?" asked Ichigo from inside Minazuki.
"WON'T YOU SAY YOU LOVE ME TOOO!" Unohana attempted to kiss Byakuya again but fortunately missed. Byakuya was not happy whatsoever, and looked like he wanted to be anywhere but here, which was understandable.
"NII-SAMA! Are you all right?" called Rukia from inside.
"Kekeke! Gimme a big-" cackled Hollow Ichigo.
"...get away from me, freak!"
"Ack, I can't help it! Sorry Rukia!"
"I am fine," said Byakuya in a tight voice as calmly as he could. Dodging another kiss, he swore to himself that if Soifon didn't get here soon with reinforcements, he was going to stuff Soifon inside Minazuki. He'd let Ichigo rot in there for awhile too. In the meantime, he avoided another kiss from Unohana as she decided to sing endlessly.
Meanwhile, Renji was now placing Isane and Nemu in the 6th division barracks away from the chaos. It didn't really help that he heard lots of screams from outside and itched to be out there fighting- well, he didn't really know if there was fighting at the moment, but he wanted to at least be part of the action. He still had to report to the Head Captain, but the Head Captain was not to be found. Saskibe was quite anxious, but Renji had more important matters than to deal with him. Saskibe didn't help that he loaded Renji with teabags either. For the Head Captain, he said. Renji scoffed at the memory.
Suddenly the left side of the wall blew up, and suddenly, something wafted into the room. Renji automatically drew Zabimaru, but then stopped.
"What the...I smell...perfume?" he watched as a few flower petals blew in from the...giant, swollen, baby headed caterpillar storming in by force.
Renji's eye twitched as he picked up the still unconscious Isane and giggling Nemu. It didn't help that Isane was much taller than him and didn't really fit slung on one shoulder, or that Nemu on his other shoulder on the side wher he was gripping his sword was repeatedly bopping him lightly on the head and uttering nonsense.
"Mayuri-sama!" she chirped, pointing at him.
"No way, I am not that homicidal freak..." he hissed.
Speak of the devil.
Renji swore as Mayuri...cartwheeled into the room, still with a block of ceiling around his neck.
"Mwahahaha! DISSECTION!"
"Roar, Zabimaru!"
Zabimaru lashed out at Mayuri, but Mayuri had somehow...gained some very...interesting gymnastic moves and did a few...backflips away from Renji.
"DISSECT DISSECT DISSECT!" Mayuri flashed a...chainsaw and screamed maniacally. Renji wasn't sure how Mayuri had performed a couple backflips with that, but he was momentarily distracted by Nemu.
"Hic! Bunny!" Nemu pointed happily at Mayuri like a little child.
"Yeah, I wish it was," hissed Renji under his breath.
"Ugh...Uno...hana...taichou..."
"Isane, are you awake?"
"Y-yeah...what's happening? I...smell perfume..."
"Whatever, carry Nemu for me, she's all drunk. I think she's somewhat poisoned, not really sure though," muttered Renji, letting Isane get off and dumping Nemu onto her. Isane slightly stumbled from catching Nemu, and flinched when Nemu pointed at her and chirped, "Fish Paste!"
"F-f-fish paste..." Isane blanched and tottered a bit, swaying.
"N-No! Isane, don't pass out on..." Isane swooned and blacked out once again and collapsed, bringing Nemu with her to the floor. Renji twitched.
"Damn it." Renji faced off the dissection crazy captain with his perfume spewing caterpillar and swore that whoever made the poison was going to regret it. Renji paled as Ashisogi Jizo spewed perfume scented bullets. He just barely flashed stepped away as the bullets slammed into the wall. He blanched as the edges of the hole turned a neon green and smoke seeped from the holes. The holes widened and seemed to be burning away, as if someone had poured acid on it.
"This is just great," hissed Renji under his breath as he circled warily around the mad scientist and caterpillar. "this is just my day, isn't it?"
Toshirou was resting quietly by Momo's side. He'd been sleeping, hoping that maybe he'd grow at least one or two centimeters. Miraculously he had slept up until now, when he awoke to a loud, "I LOVE YOU!" Toshirou flinched, jerking awake and looking around.
"Matsumoto?" he asked, confused. She wasn't there though, and Hitsugaya figured she'd probably hidden somewhere to drink sake. He glanced down concernedly at Momo, who was still unconscious.
He saw Momo's leg still twitching, and a bit of foam by her mouth.
"Momo! Are you all right!" he called anxiously. No response, though he wasn't exactly expecting one from his childhood friend since she wasn't awake.
"C-Captain Hitsugaya!" A few shinigami ran into the room.
"What is it?" asked Hitsugaya anxiously.
"We're in need of assistance! On the third level!"
"I can't just leave her!" protested Hitsugaya, gesturing to Momo wildly.
"Uh...captain, she will be in more danger if we cannot restrain Captain Kurotsuchi and Unohana."
"Wait, what happened?" Hitsugaya shook his head. Why did things happen when he tried to sleep? Whatever. He cleared his head and nodded to the shinigami for more information.
"It would be best if we dealt with Unohana...because she has...hostages."
"Who?"
"Head Captain, two Kuchikis, and a substitute shinigami."
"...what the heck?" Toshirou shook his head. Momo would have to wait.
Renji dodged a bullet, and blocked a few more from the perfume bullet spraying Ashisogi Jizo.
"PREPARE TO HAVE YOUR INTESTINES DISSECTED, LIEUTENANT!"
"SHUT UP, YOU LUNATIC!" spat Renji. He had to get Isane and Nemu to a safe place. Safe meaning not here.
"Oi, what the heck are you doing? Having fun without me, huh?"
Renji dodged another bullet. "Wait, what? Yumichika? I thought you were locked in your room moaning about your looks."
"Shut up, Abarai, I'm not some petty girl who moans over everything while there's some fun to be had." Yumichika jumped through one of the holes Mayuri made, a brown bag that spelled MOMMY'S FISH AND CHIPS upside down over his head.
"...where did you get that bag?"
"Shut up. I didn't have anything else."
"Be careful. How much can you even see?"
"...not much."
"Fine. Take Isane and Nemu!"
"And let you have the fun? Pft, not likely." Renji blocked more bullets. "How about we split him? Or better yet, you take Isane and Nemu and go?"
"And leave you here with a Mommy's Fish and Chips bag over your head? As if."
"Then I guess we split him. I'll take Mayuri."
"And I'll take the caterpillar."
"Done," they said simultaneously.
Mayuri screamed some more, and Ashisogi Jizo spat perfume and daisies out along with bullets.
"Let's get this party started," said Renji with a smirk, as he and Yumichika both leaped at their respective targets.
Orihime hummed, as she poured batter into a large pot full of her cooking.
"It sounds like there's a party going on outside!" the clueless girl remarked to herself. "Maybe I should bring some food..." she was momentarily distracted by a hapless shinigami flying across the window in front of her. She stared for a minute, then rubbed her eyes.
"Well, maybe they're too full of sake to eat now..." she murmured to herself. "They can get rather drunk, and it's the middle of the night now...oh well! More for me!"
She completed her cooking and sat down to eat it happily, blissfully unaware of the chaos occurring outside.
Soifon and a small party of not yet infected Stealth Force members warily encircled the pink manta ray.
"Be on your guard, and don't get too close," warned Soifon, taking out Suzumebachi. She flinched as Byakuya evaded another kiss, and was hit in the back by Yamamoto's cane. Even she felt a twinge of sympathy for his plight.
You had to feel pretty bad for him.
Rukia was frantically swatting Ichigo away from the kido light she was attempting to form.
"ICHIGO! Quit touching it!"
"Kekeke! Why should I, girl!"
"Don't do that, children!" shouted Yamamoto. Inside, Rukia had attempted to make another kido light.
"..." No one had any comment. Soifon eye brow twitched.
"Meh...I still need to use the bathroom..." everyone heard Ichigo complaining.
"Ichigo. Shut. Up. Now."
Sweat drops were present throughout the room.
Byakuya flinched and ducked as Unohana continued singing loudly. "Kurosaki Ichigo,there are people listening."
"Really? Who? Get us out of here, now!"
"Ichigo! Stop being so rude!"
"Kekekeke!"
"Children, stop moving! I am getting stomach fluids in my face!"
"..." This was extremely humiliating for Byakuya.
Suddenly, the door burst open and Toshiro came in. "What the heck is going on?" he flinched. He had prepared a vague idea in his mind on what to expect, but this didn't match up at all to what he had had in mind.
"Ah, perfect timing." Soifon glanced at him, an idea forming in her mind.
"Who is it?"
"Captain Hitsugaya."
"Kekeke! The little midget? PERFECT!"
"SHUT UP!" spat Toshiro, infuriated. "And it's Captain Hitsugaya!
"Ichigo, stop insulting everyone! And stop touching the kido light!"
"Sorry! I can't control myself! Get us out of here!"
"Kuchiki Rukia, are you in there?" barked Soifon, intending to put an end to the long night.
"Kekeke! Of course, stupid captain, she's in here!"
"Ichigo. Shut UP. Yes, Soifon-taichou, I can hear you. I apologize on behalf of Ichigo. He's not feeling very...well."
"Whatever. Kuchiki Rukia, when I say now, I want you to perform a Hadou spell. Got that?"
"Yes, Soifon-taichou."
"Good." Soifon shrugged, and turned to Toshiro. "Can you come over here?"
Toshiro nodded, and walked over.
"Are you prepared to risk your life for your Head Captain without hesitation?"
Toshiro didn't bat an eye. "Yes."
"Good. Then I won't bother saying sorry."
Instantly, Soifon gripped Toshiro by his collar. "Unohana-taichou!" she barked.
Unohana stopped trying to kiss Byakuya. "Oh yes, sweetie pie?" she cooed with a I-want-to-rip-your-guts-out look.
Soifon twitched internally, but didn't show it. "I have a present for you."
"Wait, what the heck are you doing!" asked Toshiro, having an ominous feeling overwhelm him.
"If you need someone to kiss, kiss him," shrugged Soifon blandly, as if she wasn't condemning Toshiro to his death.
"Ooh! Yes! After all, we're one big happy family! Come give me a big hug!" squealed Unohana brightly, spreading her arms wide, but not before blowing a kiss to him.
Toshiro paled, whiter than his hair.
"Wait, n-"
"You said you'd sacrifice your life," shrugged Soifon. "Better you than me."
And she hurled Toshiro at Unohana. "KUCHIKI, NOW!"
"Ooh! Ice cream! The perfect treat!" beamed Unohana.
Toshiro's eyes widened as he was mercilessly swung towards her. "!"
Byakuya watched, rather relieved as Toshiro flew into the widespread hands of Unohana. Yes. Better Captain Hitsugaya than him. It didn't help that now Ichigo was throwing punches from inside Minazuki and making Unohana bounce up and down with the manta ray, making him also bounce rather helplessly next to it while getting smacked by Yamamoto's cane. He'd endure it for now. At least it was Hitsugaya who was going to get kissed and not him.
Yes, better him than me, repeated Byakuya mentally, as Unohana caught Toshiro and proceeded to give him a giant hug.
A/N: Hahaha! Shiro-chan got sacrificed by Soifon! Hope you enjoyed, and hope you'll give us some feedback!