Author's note: Warnings for references to and discussions of suicide and a nasty Nessa.

It had been a reasonable day running errands in Shiz and one of the first times Glinda had ventured beyond the grounds of Crage Hall. It had been a series of small steps. Nanny had called them victories but to Glinda they were just horrible undertakings, each one like stepping on a grenade of memories and sadness. Those memories flooded in unbidden at any point they chose so it seemed perverse to be deliberately seeking them out and setting them off. Their bedroom was full enough to keep Glinda perfectly traumatised for years without having to visit the dining halls, the gardens and – worst – the library.

But, and Glinda had to give Nanny some credit, the first time was the hardest and once those grenades had been exploded the impact was much less on the return. Going to dine had become almost functional again if she concentrated very hard on not thinking. She hadn't gone back to the library and vowed she never would. Whatever that did to her studies she did not care.

Feeling still unaccountably weak Glinda's pallor had forced Nanny into stopping at a cafe. Glinda had never been in it before which she realised had been deliberate on Nanny's part. She had a strong tea and sat looking out in to the street, not even aware of the other patrons.

Nessa was however and Glinda could hear her grumbling about the stares and the occasional clumsy but well meaning enquiry. If Elphaba had not been a borderline celebrity in Shiz before, well, she certainly was now.

"I feel like I'm living in the shadow of a ghost," Nessa offered, seemingly out of nowhere.

Glinda didn't appreciate the metaphor; the idea of Elphaba being a ghost and what that entailed.

"It's not like it wasn't hard enough in her shadow before, when she were actually here." Nessa continued, rather uncharitably Glinda thought.

"But you could forgive her that; it just sort of happened without her trying." Glinda attempted a defence.

Not looking in the least convinced about her sister's innocence in her infamy Nessa gave Glinda a strange look. "In any case, her absence seems to cast an even larger shadow."

Glinda furrowed her brow. "I just... I truthfully don't think she knew how it would be. How we would be."

"Just determined to make herself miserable, that one." Nanny shook her head sadly.

"Miserable?" Glinda was shaken.

Nanny seemed not to notice. "Oh, always punishing herself for some imagined crime... her birth, her skin, her family, anything..."

"Yes but why she feels the need to punish us all as well..." Nessa ran out of thought. "Though I think Glinda is right. She loved her own tragedy so much she never stopped to see that it wasn't true, that she wasn't the cast out anti heroine she thought she was."

Glinda was getting dizzy. Nanny's understated revelations, Nessa's offhand and apparently uncaring remarks that appeared to be genetic... her own guilt. She should have stopped Elphaba. She should have got out of that carriage and stopped her. Lain down in the street, prostrated herself, wrapped herself around Elphie's legs and tackled her to the ground.

Because Nanny and Nessa were wrong. Elphie knew people cared about her, they'd had that very conversation more than once. And Elphie knew Glinda cared about her, that proof was in her arms every night of their last weeks together. Elphie knew she was loved; she had either chosen not to believe it or chosen to disregard it.

Glinda stood quickly, feeling suffocated and needing movement to prove she still could, that she was still alive, still in some control over her own body, if not her world. "I can't – I'm getting a headache. I don't feel well. I think I'll just go home."

Nanny looked at her suspiciously. "Alright, we were done anyway. Are you ready, flower?" She started preparing Nessa to leave.

"No, really," Glinda tried her best to at least sound reasonable even if she didn't feel it. "No need to spoil Nessa's day out. It is only a few minutes back to Crage Hall, I shall be quite alright and see you later for supper."

Nanny was having none of it. "There'll be no supper for any of us if you take a diversion to the Suicide Canal. Come on now, help me with these bags."

Glinda began to realise there was an element of surveillance in all this care and concern.

The next obstacle that had to be faced was social. People had come and gone whilst Glinda had been sequestered in her room, supposedly recuperating. The visits had been brief at Nanny's insistence, Glinda had been barely coherent and Morrible had been on hand to question everyone as they left so it was little surprise the visits were not all that frequent. Just enough to be showing an effort.

It was different once Glinda was more mobile. Their friends – her friends – were so pleased to see Glinda that it physically hurt. Elphaba was the elephant in the room but Glinda never felt overlooked. And that was almost unfortunate, the scrutiny bore down on her like a vice. But she was grateful, later if not at the time, for their company. Later they would talk about Elphaba. For now it was too raw and Glinda too liable to burst in to tears without any provocation for anyone to actually provoke her.

They would meet by the canal, sit in the pub, Boq would dote on her... but she felt disjointed. Everything still felt like that strange dream, unreal. She started every time the door opened, wishing fervently that it was going to be Elphie sweeping in, late from the library, brusque and ready to do battle with Avaric over something or nothing.

One evening, some six weeks after Glinda's return, the group were in a pub, the other Amas sat on the next door table and Nanny next to Nessa. There were several bottles of wine in the centre of the table, various wine glasses and empty pint glasses strewn about.

Glinda was nursing a glass, turning it round in her hands and quietly surveying new arrivals coming through the door. She turned back to her friends and saw Boq watching her. She smiled at him apologetically.

He took his cue. It had been long enough. "I do the same thing, sometimes, in lectures and the like. When the professors say something ridiculous I keep expecting to hear her voice, her piping up. She never let anything lie. It was embarrassing, then, but now I think I would cry with joy if it were to happen."

Glinda smiled sympathetically. "But I know she's not here," she said quietly. "I saw her walk away from me. You – everyone else – for you it's not quite real. She could just be in our rooms. But I know she is not. I saw her leave and then I left her."

It was the first time they had talked directly about Elphaba. No-one other than Nanny and Nessa seemed willing to risk Glinda on the subject, apart from Madame Morrible who just didn't care. Their friends had taken the path of least resistance and opted for avoidance, at least when Glinda was around. She knew they would have heard everything from Nessa and she knew they must talk about it constantly when Glinda wasn't there, which was a lot of the time. But now the subject was finally being broached and she wasn't sorry. She would talk about Elphaba all day, even if it did bring her to tears and depression.

"Did she really give you no inkling?" Boq questioned, thoughts that must have been consuming him all this time now allowed free rein. But his voice was low, as though he knew he should not be doing it.

"None. None until those final seconds."

"She didn't ask you to go with her?"

It was a simple and innocent question but it tore in to Glinda's stomach like he had plunged a knife through her. She was breathless with shock. "Would I be here?" she gasped. "Do you think I would be here, in agony, had she asked me?"

The rest of the table started to fall quiet and Boq looked embarrassed. But Glinda was consumed.

"Had I been given any choice you think there was any earthly way I could have refused?" It was incomprehensible. Even though Boq and the others had no idea quite how deep her feelings for Elphaba ran they should have known enough to make that question irrelevant.

"Glinda!" Boq almost begged. "Glinda, I'm sorry, I didn't mean anything by it."

He was getting condemning looks from around the table. She looked around at them all. There was fear in their eyes. That was the first time the sadness had twisted in to anger. She ran.

Someone called after her and she heard Nanny cursing. But she was blind with fury and barrelled out of the pub in to the night, without her coat and without caring. She just wanted to be alone so she continued to run, down streets and alleys to the quieter seclusion of the canal side and the parks.

Glinda slumped under a tree, hugged herself to it and sobbed. After a while she heard one of the boys calling her name so she choked back her tears to remain undetected. Under the lamplight by the canal she saw Tibbett and Avaric on the path checking the bridges, checking the benches... checking the water. They moved on. She was invisible in the dark.

Glinda did not seek the dark, cold water. Her mind was dark and cold and swirling enough. Fear for Elphaba, guilt, concern for herself, guilt for that, selfish longing, more guilt, helplessness about their friends, even more guilt. It churned in her mind, it churned in her gut and though she wanted nothing more than to be free of it all there was only one way out and it was not the admittedly enticing canal. And if Elphaba would not relieve her of it then she would continue to suffer it.

Without any idea how long she had been gone Glinda eventually dragged herself up the tree and shook out her cramping legs. She walked slowly, clumsily, back to Crage Hall. The lights were blazing brightly as she opened the door to her room.

Nessarose was stood stock still in the middle of the floor as Glinda walked in. Nessa looked at her as though she were a ghost. "Nanny!" Nessa called, her voice trembling. "Nanny, she's here."

Out in the corridor somewhere there was a yelp and Nanny, along with a hall attendant appeared in the doorway.

"You terrible creature," Nanny said with nothing but affection and hugged Glinda in an uncharacteristic display. "I'd best tell them to call off the search."

As Nanny left Glinda turned to Nessa. "Nessa, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset anyone. I wasn't thinking straight. I just wanted to be alone."

She feared the girl was angry, there was no eye contact but Nessa then launched at Glinda, knocking them both against the wall. Glinda held them upright and it was like that day after she had been returned, they just held each other in a grief that felt like it would never end.

"I'm sorry," Nessa said, raising her head.

Glinda smiled across at her. "Apology unnecessary. Here, let me help you." She dragged Nessa up to something like standing and, with an arm around her waist, walked her back across to Elphie's – Nessa's! - bed. Nessa sat, then made to lay down and Glinda helped her wriggle to being propped up on her pillows.

Nessa giggled. "You're getting adept at manhandling me, just like my sister. Strong for a pretty little thing."

"Am I?" Glinda was surprised but her voice indicated absent mindedness. She had never thought about herself like that. But maybe it was true.

"Well," Nessa started in a superior tone. "You didn't go in to the canal."

Glinda glanced at her sharply. Nessa was putting up walls at the same time as she was trying to communicate which was an infuriatingly Throppian tactic but at least this was something Glinda was expert in. Whilst the two sisters had been side by side she could only see their differences. Now, in the absence of Elphaba, she could only see their similarities.

"No," Glinda said gently, ignoring Nessa's tone as she knew she should. "I didn't. And I'm not going to." She settled herself better on her bed, drawing up her knees.

Nessa nodded without looking convinced. "It has been a concern."

As much as she understood the tactics Nessa was utilising Glinda was completely in the dark about where this conversation was going. She assumed it would take a spiritual tack, as Nessa was wont to do and she was really not in the mood for that. Nessa just sat, another inscrutable Thropp.

Glinda was almost afraid of the beautiful and aloof girl. What did she know? What was she thinking? The possibility that Nessa had correctly divined the nature of Elphaba and Glinda's relationship had always bothered Glinda, since it had become enough of an issue to bother about. She didn't know Nessa's views on such things in general, much less how it would be interpreted to a situation occurring so close to home.

Elphaba, naturally, was laissez faire about sex and sexuality, Glinda had always known that. Elphie's own parents were not strict in their views of sex and appeared, from offhand comments Elphie had made, to have had something of an open relationship. Elphaba had no opinion on the matter because she didn't see it as her business. In Glinda's experience Elphie had never condemned and rarely condoned anything another person did when it came to purely personal matters. Political matters had been quite the opposite.

Nessa on the other hand spread her opinions liberally about and those opinions were not always liberal. But on sex she had stayed close-lipped. Glinda could only guess whether the experience of her parents had opened or closed her mind. How Nessa felt about sexuality was conspicuous in its absence from the otherwise detailed moral and spiritual views she was known to have.

It was an unknown quantity and Glinda feared the unknown.

Nessa made the next move. "We all miss her."

"I love her," Glinda said simply, helplessly, unable to bear it on her own any more.

"Everyone loves her. Often even whilst they hate her. It is a strange skill and one she doesn't even care that she has. But you're different. You're different to her, different from the rest of us. So... the question is: what is she to you?"

"Everything. She is everything to me."

Nessa scoffed. Glinda braced herself. The air grew tense.

"I had thought," Nessa began slowly. "That something might be happening between the two of you."

Not knowing where to begin Glinda just sat helplessly.

"I expected nothing less of her but more of you, honestly, Glinda. I thought you understood how things worked."

"If it is the fact she is another woman I really think -"

"It's more the fact she is barely another woman," Nessa spat.

Glinda flinched.

Horrifyingly Nessa continued, "But neither is she the man she wishes to be. She's barely even human."

"She's your sister!" Glinda was outraged and invoked the sibling bond as if she thought it proved something. "How can you hate her so much?"

"Hate her?" Nessa seemed genuinely taken aback. "I don't hate her at all. I love her, more than I love anyone, probably. I know people have romantic notions about love and hate being the same emotion. But I have no hate for Elphaba. Only love.

"It's because I love her that sometimes I am harsh. I love a soul she has every intention of damning. It's because I love her that I hate she will not accept her limitations as many as they are and surrender herself to the will of the Unnamed God. Instead she wheels out her freakish traits and perversions and it will only lead – has only led – to suffering. She needs to accept that certain things in life are off limits to her. I am not being cruel, I know what that is like."

"You just want her to sit down and stay quiet."

Glinda meant it as an accusation but Nessarose nodded as if pleased Glinda understood.

"Well she won't, Nessa. She can't. If you loved her you would know that. And if you loved her you wouldn't want her to. Whatever her flaws, whatever her shortcomings, she is perfect."

"Sentimental nonsense."

"No, it's not. It's hard and it hurts. It's not sentimental, it's deathly real. I love her so purely it tears out my soul. It's dirty and messy and painful. It's near unconditional – I mean, look at me. Look at what she has done to me. And I'm still here and I can't love her any less."

They had reached a stand off, breathing heavily as if the fight had been physical. They both completely understood the other and yet were at a complete loss to agree. Glinda had never felt closer to or further away from Nessa than in that moment.

Presently Nanny bustled back in and Glinda made more apologies for the upset while Nessa continued to sit and stare. She tried to negotiate sleeping in Nessa's old room and Nanny staying with Nessa. She was worried about the girl but felt unable to provide the care that might be needed. But Glinda's motives could no longer be trusted and her request was denied. Instead Nanny dragged a cot in to the room and the three of them slept – or did not sleep – together.

That arrangement only lasted a few days. Glinda ministered to Nessa as had become their norm and Nessa accepted it. Glinda even went to a few classes though she feared her semester might be irredeemably lost and was reconciled to that. It was more something to do. Because something had changed.

The fear and the grief and the guilt were still present and showed little sign of abating. It was more that she had grown used to them and able to perform the routine of everyday life in spite of them. But there was a new emotion, this anger that had been stirred up that night. It wasn't going anywhere and it lay over everything like a frost.

More than those other emotions that rendered her useless Glinda found the anger energising. She wasn't sure exactly what it was about or who it was directed at. It could have been anger at herself, at Elphaba, at Morrible, at the Wizard, at Nessa, at their friends, at the situation itself or the whole of Oz. She almost didn't care. The anger motivated her, sharpened her mind, the frost sparkled in her brain making everything clear and sharp.

So it was that early one grey morning she was disturbed in sneaking out of her room by Nessarose wriggling up in her bed.

"I'm surprised you lasted this long." It wasn't harsh or condemning. It just was.

Poor Nessa. Glinda couldn't begin to understand the emotions there but she knew they were hard.

"We're waiting for someone who will never come. I'm not talking any more. I'm going to find her." And Glinda left, in a swirl of her travelling cloak, disappearing out the door.

This journey to the Emerald City was done with distinctly more collectedness than the last time she had travelled alone. Glinda even had a plan.