Thanks to Boris Yeltsin, Mr. Wizard, erayd, campy, Josh84, screaming phoenix, Eddy13, Louis Mielke, Quathis, CajunBear73, Acosta perez jose Ramiro, freewheeler26, daywalkr82, Michael Howard, Katsumara, Joe Stopphinghem, Shrike176, Danny-171984, and Molloy for reviewing and to everyone for reading.
My thanks to Molloy, this week's special guest beta and proofreader.
As always, leave a review and I'll send you a reply.
KP © Disney. All original characters © the author.
I.
"I'll take the loud helmeted guy in the middle triangle," the contestant said.
"Professor Dementor," the genial game show host asked, "for three hundred dollars, what form of air transport was named after a German nobleman?"
"Zat would be ZE ZEPPELIN!"
"And zat would be correct!" the host said with a self-satisfied grin.
"I am on FIRE!" the Teutonic scientist crowed.
"But your helmet is so passé," Guy of Evil Eye fame said cattily.
"Und vhat is wrong mit ze helmet?" Dementor demanded. "It iz ze perfectly GOOD HELMET! I vill haf you know zat it accessorizes mit both ze lab coat and ze housecoat! It is—"
"Time for a word from our sponsor, Pop Pop Porter's Mini Corn Dogs," the host interjected. "We'll be right back with more Celebrity Triangles after this commercial break."
II.
"So, uh, I know we haven't had much luck with this whole date thing, but you want to go to Mister Fudgie's tomorrow?" Ron asked.
"You sure Kim won't mind?" Tara said, trying to sound playful, but unable to hide the edge to her voice.
"Why would Kim mind?" Ron replied, clueless about women despite his Zaruda-enhanced IQ and newly-minted law school diploma.
Tara sighed, adjusting the telephone as she continued to paint her nails. "Because that green woman is right. Kim thinks you're hers. Even if you're not dating, she acts like you are."
"Tara, Tara, Tara, that's just Shego messing with you. Trust me, Kim doesn't think of me that way," Ron said, not sharing his disappointment with the blonde. Until recently, he had never thought of Kim in anything other than best friend terms. Then Tara broached the subject and Ron found himself wondering about the possibility – only to remember Kim's dismissive comment at the movie theater. "I'm sure she's cool with me dating you," he said.
"I don't know, Ron," Tara responded. "I've seen the way she looks at you. I think she's jealous."
"Kim? Jealous? Nah."
His reply was greeted with skeptical silence.
Ron, sensing his opportunity to go on a date with Tara was slipping away, knew he had to find some way to set her mind at ease. And since the truth wasn't working, there was only one alternative he could think of despite having an IQ of 300. He was about to speak when his conscience kicked in.Before he could say anything, a small voice piped up from his shoulder. "Dude, what you're about to do is wrong."
Ron wasn't sure who had spoken, but he was sure it wasn't Rufus.
"Kim's your best friend," whispered a tiny, haloed Ron, who was perched on his right shoulder. "Besides, don't you remember what happened when you lied about her and Brick in the school paper?"
Before Ron could be swayed by the argument of his better angel, he felt something poke into his other shoulder: he looked to his left and saw a horned, pitchfork-wielding Diablo Ron. "You were popular, that's what happened," the devil said as he prodded the tow-headed teen.
"But in the end he disappointed Kim," Angel Ron countered.
"And he admitted he was wrong and what did that get him? A life lesson," Diablo Ron shot back contemptuously. Then he leaned into Ron's face. "Listen to him and you can kiss some serious lip smacking goodbye!"
Ron looked back and forth. "This is seriously whacked," he observed.
"What is?" Tara asked.
"Uh, the idea that KP would be jealous," Ron responded. He paused, then said, "She's, uh, already seeing someone."
Diablo Ron gave him a big thumbs-up while Angel Ron just shook his head and mouthed the words, "You are so dead." Then they both disappeared.
"Really?" Tara replied hopefully.
"Yeah. His name's Junior. He's really rich, not as smart as Brick, but his heart's in the right place even if he spends too much time with his hair care products."
"How come I've never met him?"
"You know how these superrich dudes are. All secretive. He actually lives on a private island with his dad."
"Do you think it's serious?"
"Well, he did try to break her out of prison the other day."
"That was her BF?"
"Uh, yeah," Ron said.
He knew what he was doing was wrong.
"That's so romantic," Tara cooed.
"Yeah, I guess it is," Ron said, setting aside any moral qualms about his actions. "So, will the Rondo be eating ice cream alone tomorrow or will he be accompanied by the bon-diggity Tara?"
Tara giggled. "The bon-diggity Tara would love to go to Mister Fudgie's tomorrow, but I can't. Bonnie and I are going shopping," she said. "I could go Monday, after school, though."
"Badical!" Ron said before he added, "As long as Mister B doesn't give me detention."
Tara giggled.
"Hey!" he protested. "Barkin's had it out for me since ninth grade. He's convinced I looked at him funny."
"Well, then, you'd just better not look at him," she suggested.
"Easier said than done," Ron said. "He's everywhere. Do you know that I have him for every class except Interpretive Dance?"
"You're taking Interpretive Dance?" Tara said.
"I am," Ron said defensively. "And I'll have you know Interpretive Dance is manly."
Tara snorted.
"Okay, every other elective was already filled," Ron quickly conceded. "So, you, me, Mister Fudgie's after school."
"It's a date," Tara agreed. "And don't forget your leotard."
"Oh, how I rue the day I had to sign up for that elective …"
III.
"You okay?" Monique asked, concerned about her friend on the other side of the Plexiglas. "People aren't giving you a hard time because you're a hero, are they?"
"Not as much as expected. I've even made some friends, though there is Shego. We've never gotten along and I'm sure she's royally tweaked because she was assigned my old bunkmate."
"She bad news?"
"Freaky bad news. So, what's the 411 on school?" Kim asked.
"Miss Goddard was involved in some kind of accident at Smarty Mart involving a sick yak and an inflatable Zodiac boat. Word is, it wasn't pretty."
"And Ron wonders why I don't like shopping there," Kim said with a roll of the eyes.
"She'll be out for the rest of the year," Monique continued. "Mister Barkin's teaching the interpretive dance class."
"That is so many flavors of wrong."
"And you haven't even had to see him in a leotard," Monique said with a shudder.
Kim smirked. "I guess there are benefits to being in jail."
Monique chuckled. Then she looked conspiratorially at her friend. "So, spill, girl."
"Spill? About what?"
"Your new BF."
"Excuse me?"
"Don't you be playing games with me, Kim. And here I was thinking you were all about Josh."
"Okay, you've lost me and you're not even speaking in Moniquespeak."
"Who's Junior?" Monique demanded.
Kim groaned. "Let me guess. You heard about his attempt to break me out of prison on the news?"
"No, I heard about it from Tara when she and Bonnie came into Club B this afternoon scoping out the latest fashions – you just have to see the new spring line!"
"Do the capris come in prison orange?' Kim asked sardonically.
"Oops. Sorry."
"Don't worry. It's no big," Kim said with a wave of her hand. "So, back to my supposed boyfriend sitch."
"Well, according to Tara, your NBF—"
"NBF?"
"New boyfriend."
"Junior is so not my boyfriend."
"Then why'd Tara say Ron said he was?"
"What?" Kim exploded.
"TADB, girlfriend."
Kim glowered.
"Sorry, take a deep breath."
Though Kim complied, she was clenching her hands in a way that left Monique wondering whether her friend might be capable of bending steel bars.
"You want me to continue?" she asked.
"Please and thank you," Kim replied through gritted teeth.
"Bonnie's been ragging Tara 24/7 about Ron, saying stuff like he was your lapdog…"
Kim, despite her anger, cringed.
"… And that she'd better get used to being the third wheel if she insisted on dating him."
"And Tara didn't like that," Kim said, eliciting a nod from Monique. "I don't know why she's still friends with Bonnie."
"You and me, both," Monique agreed. "Anyway, when they came into the store, Tara was all smiles and Bonnie had that look she wears whenever she's been proven wrong about something or doesn't get her way."
Kim smiled knowingly, all too familiar with the sour facial expression her friend was describing.
"When I asked them what's up, Tara said that Ron had told her that you and Junior were an item …"
"Which meant," Kim interjected, "she could stop worrying about me getting in the way of her dating Ron."
"Wait a minute. You're telling me that Ron made up that whole Junior thing just to make sure he could go out with Tara?"
"Mm hmm," Kim answered. "He is so busted."
"I didn't know the boy had it in him," Monique said admiringly. Seeing her friend's dark countenance, she added, "Hey, just because I'm impressed, doesn't mean I'm down with what he did. You want any help busting him, you let me know."
"Thanks, Mon," Kim said. "Actually, there's something you can do …"
IV.
The old-fashioned wall-mounted phone in the high school corridor rang. Warily, the janitor picked up the receiver, still skittish after Kim Possible had appeared in a blaze of light the last time he answered a call.
"Hi, may I speak to Ron Stoppable?" a chipper voice asked.
"Uh, sure," the janitor said. "It may be a moment, though. I have to find him."
"No problem," the caller said.
Fortunately for all involved, Ron came sauntering by
"It's for you," the janitor said as he handed the teen the receiver. "By the way, don't you have a cell phone?"
Ron reddened. "I wish. Dad thinks they're just a passing fad."
The janitor shook his head sympathetically, then walked away.
"Hola, Ron Stoppable," the tow-headed teen said as he answered the call.
"Ron, Hank Perkins, here."
"Dude, how's it hanging?"
"It's hanging well. I just got a call from the judge. He wants to see us in his chambers at noon."
"Lunch time. The Rondo will be there," Ron said, anticipating a stop at the Bueno Nacho drive-thru, which was a far more appealing prospect than yet another encounter with Cafeteria Lady and her malignant mystery meat. He hung up the receiver and headed to his next class, lost in visions of Tex-Mex gustatory goodness. He was sauntering down the hall, dreaming of chimeritos, when he caught sight of a clock, saw that he was running late and broke into a trot. He turned a corner and plowed straight into Mister Barkin.
"Stoppable!" the teacher bellowed
"Mister B!" Ron yelped.
"How many times have I told you? No running in the halls! Just because you have some fancy pants law degree, you think you can violate school policy?"
"No! I didn't want to miss class, that's all!"
"A likely story, slacker!" Barkin said.
"Slacker?" Ron responded. "Mr. Barkin, I just got a law degree in three days!"
"Tell it to someone who cares," Barkin snapped. "I'll see you in detention after school."
"But … but … but …" Ron stumbled as his dream of after-school fun with Tara began to fade.
"No buts! You. Me. Big Mike and Vinny in Room 13. Do I make myself clear?"
"Yeah," Ron said.
"Good," Barkin said, a satisfied smile on his face. "Now move it!"
Ron sighed, and trudged off to class, wondering if he would ever get to go on a date with Tara.
V.
"Ugh, don't you have something better to do?" Shego, who was stretched out on a chaise lounge, asked as she looked up from the latest issue of Villain's Digest.
"I don't know what you're up to Shego, but you won't get away with it," Kim said, her hands on her hips and a no-nonsense look on her face.
"You know, Princess, the whole teen hero thing isn't very impressive when you're wearing orange and on the inside. Not that I was impressed when you were wearing your teeny bopper uniform on the outside," she said snidely as she adjusted her sunglasses and returned to her reading.
"And you of all people are offering fashion critiques why?" Kim replied in an equally sharp tone. "So, what's this week's plot? Help Drakken brainwash the inmates so he has an army of hardened criminals at his disposal?"
"You have your brain swapped with your dopey sidekick again?" Shego asked incredulously.
"You've been here since Saturday," Kim countered. "Two whole days and you still haven't tried to escape. You could have been on your way before they assigned you your cell. You're up to no good and I want to know what it is."
"Okay, Kimmie," Shego said as she laid down her reading. "Since you and I are now doing time together, I'll let you in on a secret."
"I knew you were up to something!" Kim declared triumphantly.
"Yeah, I'm up to keeping my sanity, though sharing a cell with Adrena Freaky Lynn is making that kind of hard."
"Excuse me?" a confused Kim responded.
"Drakken's driving me nuts with his latest lame-o take-over-the-world plan. As long as I'm in here, I don't have to listen to him rant. Now move it," she snapped as she returned to her magazine. "You're blocking the sun."
VI.
Ron ran up the stairs of the courthouse, down the corridor, and into the reception area of Judge Harry Mint's chambers, just in time to see a supremely satisfied Reuben and a far less pleased Hank emerge, followed by the judge himself, who was dressed as if he was ready to shoot a round of golf.
"Uh, am I missing something?" Ron asked.
"Just our meeting," Hank said glumly.
"But I thought you said we were meeting at noon!"
"Sorry, but I was able to get an earlier tee time. They can fill you in," Mint said as he breezed past Ron, Hank, and Rueben and out the door. "See you gentlemen later this week."
"Why do I have a feeling that he's not talking about a foursome at his club," Ron mused.
Reuben laughed harshly, then slapped him on the back. "You're too much, Cousin. See you in court." Then he too, exited, leaving Ron and Hank alone.
"Okay, what's going on?" Ron asked.
"Here's the sitch, as our client might say," he answered with a self-indulgent chuckle. "Judge Mint has scheduled the trial to begin on Thursday."
"Uh, I may be new to the whole lawyer biz, but don't they usually give us more time to get ready?"
"Normally, they do. But the judge said he's worried about the enormous publicity this case is generating. Word on the street is that Dementor is about to sign a contract to be on Dancing With the B List Celebrities next year."
"Dementor doing the cha cha? Sick and wrong!"
"Exactly. That's why need to get to work finalizing Miss Possible's defense."
"Fear not, Hank. I've got my head in the game. I'm ready for anything."
"Good. Why don't you go brief Miss Possible on this latest development while I go back to the firm and begin to pull together the materials we'll need for the case."
"Will do," Ron said brightly. Then his face fell.
"What?" Hank asked.
"I've got detention and, and, oh man, Tara is so going to kill me …"
"Who's Tara?"
"Only this totally babelicous cheerleader who I keep canceling on."
"But I thought you and Miss Possible were an item?"
"Uh, dude, KP's my best bud. And, admittedly, she's pretty and she's smart. But she's all about guys like Josh Mankey, not Ron Stoppable."
"Oh, I see," Hank said sympathetically. "Well, why don't I brief Miss Possible while you see Tara?"
"You sure?" Ron said.
"Yes. But meet me at the office as soon as you can. Your cousin's going to be prepared and we need to be, too."
VII.
"Where's Ron?" Kim asked as she sat down on her side of the Plexiglas divider. While she was majorly tweaked with him for lying about her supposedly dating Junior, she was still disappointed to see he wasn't with Hank.
"He had another engagement," Hank answered as he withdrew a legal pad and pencil from his briefcase.
"Let me guess," she said sourly. "Hot date with Tara."
"I believe he also mentioned something about detention."
Kim rolled her eyes. "So, what's the sitch?"
"Your trial is scheduled to begin on Thursday."
"Excuse me?"
Hank explained the judge's reasoning for setting such a surprisingly early date.
Kim listened attentively. Then she exploded. "And my so-called best friend and lawyer is on a date and not here why? What was he thinking? Oh, wait, this is Ron! He doesn't think …"
Hank sat quietly and listened as his client ranted. When she was done, he tried to calm her.
He wasn't particularly successful.
VIII.
Ron jumped off his scooter and ran into Mister Fudgie's. He immediately spotted Tara – and with her, Bonnie. He didn't need a Wade-level IQ to know something was wrong.
"Hey, T, Bon-Bon, what's up?" he said nervously as Tara glared at him while Bonnie watched with manifest disgust.
"Kim's not dating Junior," Tara said coldly.
"Uh, yeah, well about that, maybe I misspoke …" he said as he rubbed the back of his neck.
"You lied to me!" Tara said.
"Admittedly, not the best foundation for a relationship, but I didn't lie to you, I lied for you!"
"Puh-leeze," Bonnie sniffed.
"It's true!" Ron said, looking at Tara. "I know how you feel about KP and me being best buds and …"
"If I asked you to stop hanging with Kim, would you?"
"What?" he said.
"You heard me," Tara said. Then her features softened. "I don't want to be the third wheel, Ron. You're a nice guy and I'd like to date you…"
"Thanks," he said. "But there's a grande-sized 'but,' coming, isn't there?"
Tara bit her lip and looked away. Bonnie got up and poked Ron in the chest. "For whatever reason," the brunette said, "Tara likes you, Stoppable. And even though it will like totally kill her reputation and reflect poorly on the Cheer Squad, she wants to go out with you. She does not, however, want to go out with you and Possible."
"Okay, you've lost me," Ron said.
"Why am I not surprised?" Bonnie snarked.
"Bonnie, please," Tara said as she joined them. "Ron, Kim's too big a part of your life. You two go on missions, you hang out together all the time, you're doing this lawyer thing for her. You're sweet and funny and cute, but if I go out with someone, I want to be the most important girl in his life, not the second most. And as long as you and Kim are tight, that's the best I can hope for."
"But, but," Ron stammered.
"I'm sorry," a disappointed but resolute Tara said, as she walked out the door, trailing a contemptuous Bonnie behind her.
"Man, this tanks," Ron said to himself. "I didn't even know it was possible to be dumped before the first date …"
To Be Continued …