Chapter 10
A Growing Need
After Tatsuya's therapy appointment, another week passed before he saw Masaki again. They seemed to have fallen into a rhythm of spending every other weekend with each other, alternating so that Kichijouji and Miyuki got an equal amount of time. After all, during the week, their school work load and training schedules were too heavy to allow for weeknight dates.
In fact, this past week had been extra busy. A few leads popped up on Petrov, although they resulted in dead ends. The Ichijou network reported that Petrov was back in the New Soviet Union for now, but another shipment of random parts was intercepted. Between that, school, and CAD designs, Tatsuya had been all business.
As the weekend approached, though, Tatsuya texted Masaki and asked him if he'd like to go hiking up Mt. Fuji this time. The previous week had been bitterly cold, but a warm front had moved in. It was a good opportunity.
Masaki agreed and arranged for them to spend the weekend at the Ichijou's Tokyo house, which they would have all to themselves.
Tatsuya considered the love languages he had researched at Dr. Manoru's suggestion. He understood showing love through quality time and acts of service. Physical affection seemed an obvious choice. Words of encouragement seemed like a standard practice to Tatsuya, and gift-giving was traditional. He wasn't sure yet what his love language was, and he wasn't sure what kind of gift to buy a boyfriend. Knowing Masaki, it would need to be red and perhaps related to motorcycles. But Tatsuya wasn't willing to try yet. Miyuki was far easier to buy a gift for.
By the time Tatsuya arrived at the Ichijou house and rang the doorbell, he realized some part of him was vaguely nervous. He knew he'd pulled back for a solid week and then spent the next week too busy. He didn't want to end up provoking Masaki's anger and causing a lover's spat. He knew he would be willing to work through a spat, but he wasn't sure what Masaki's response would be.
Masaki answered the door immediately. He was dressed in clothes that would have seemed laidback had the t-shirt not been obviously 11,000 yen all by itself and if his khaki pants hadn't been immaculate. "It's great to see you. Come in." He stepped aside. "I, ah, counted on you being hungry. You like teriyaki chicken pizza, right? I remember you seemed to like it better than the seafood one."
The smell of pizza wafted at Tatsuya from the small kitchen area.
He nearly stuttered, Tatsuya noted as he stepped inside and dropped his backpack on the floor. The distance has bothered him. He abruptly realized that if it had been Miyuki, the distance would have probably made her a nervous wreck. Tatsuya swallowed a sigh. I need to figure out how to communicate that all is well. "Yes. Teriyaki chicken is my preference." He toed off his shoes and pulled Masaki into a hug, hoping to reassure him. The instant his arms slipped around Masaki's warm body, he felt a pang. Oh. I've missed him.
Masaki hugged him back tightly. The desperation was obvious. Masaki held onto him for a moment in silence and even stroked the back of his head. Then Masaki whispered, "Did you – Was it too much? Did we go too quickly? I pride myself on being able to read people, but I still could've misread you. I just wanted you to feel . . . loved." The last word came out especially painfully.
Tatsuya felt a sharp sensation in his chest—a type of emotional pain that was new to him. He couldn't name the specifics, but he realized he didn't need to. "No," he found himself saying forcefully. He softened his voice. "No," he whispered gently. He hugged Masaki to him tighter and reached up, stroking Masaki's hair since Masaki had said he liked that. "You didn't misread me at all. It wasn't bad. It was—" He wanted to groan at the lack of appropriate words and then settled for the best he could do. "It was too good. It took me days to figure out the brand new emotion it generated." He could imagine Dr. Manoru cheering for him in a stadium and pushed himself forward another step. "I pulled back to do an analysis. I'm sorry it spooked you."
Masaki drew back and met Tatsuya's gaze. "Too good? Um, well . . . thanks." He seemed flustered. Then he grinned. "It's okay!" He kissed Tatsuya and took his hands. "I'm glad it was good. I—" He swallowed, and his expression softened. His blue-green eyes shone with that emotion Tatsuya had come to identify as love. "I hated the thought that I might have hurt you, that's all." He squeezed Tatsuya's hands. "I never want to do that."
Tatsuya felt the words like a physical impact, and he knew it was because Masaki truly meant them. He pulled Masaki back into his arms and kissed him. To his surprise, his body reacted to Masaki's words with arousal. Or happiness that led to arousal? Tatsuya wasn't sure. He just knew that he had to have Masaki in his arms, and as soon as he kissed him, he slipped his tongue into Masaki's mouth. Masaki's warmth and faint pinecone-like scent filled his senses, and he stirred halfway hard. His pulse jumped.
Masaki moaned and rested his hands on Tatsuya's shoulder blades, clinging as if he wanted to meld them together. He caressed Tatsuya's tongue with his own, kissing in return. Masaki grew hotter in Tatsuya's arms. Another little, low moan escaped Masaki.
My need is so strong . . . Tatsuya didn't know what to think. He knew he could stop himself. Even the tiniest bit of pressure would snap this emotion in half, killing it. But he chose not to. He found himself backing Masaki across the foyer and pinning him against the wall. A magical sweep of the house told Tatsuya they were alone, so he didn't restrain himself. He pressed his body against Masaki's, feeling wanton in the way he let Masaki feel his hardness. He continued kissing Masaki deeply, caressing his tongue. Then he slipped one hand down to cup Masaki's butt.
Masaki moaned louder and arched against Tatsuya, panting. He didn't seem threatened by being pinned; in fact, he seemed more aroused. Tatsuya felt Masaki harden against him. The instant the kiss ended, Masaki whispered, "Oh, god, Tatsuya. Yes."
Tatsuya's body shivered at the sound of Masaki's voice, and he saw a beautiful blush had worked its way down Masaki's neck. Tatsuya felt his erection twitch and throb. He realized this was the most aroused he'd been yet, and he wasn't sure what was driving it. It must be because he loves me, Tatsuya reasoned, and he wondered if it could truly be that simple.
Tatsuya remembered what Masaki had said about some lovers tying each other up. He grasped Masaki's wrists and pinned them to the wall in line with Masaki's shoulders. Then he kissed Masaki again, still using his body to press Masaki against the wall. The action, as simple as it was, made his erection throb so hard it ached. He moaned into their kiss.
Masaki kissed Tatsuya back passionately, his moans sharp. He slipped his tongue into Tatsuya's mouth now. Masaki felt as hard as Tatsuya was. At least as far as Tatsuya could tell, Masaki was ecstatic. His back arched off the wall.
Tatsuya began to understand he was trying to telegraph something to Masaki: two weeks' worth of pent up feelings about the lovemaking they had shared. He hadn't detected the emotions any more than he had detected that he'd missed Masaki, but now the feelings were surfacing rapidly. He caught Masaki's tongue and sucked on it.
When the kiss broke, Tatsuya turned, bringing Masaki with him. Using his training, he brought Masaki to the floor quickly, although he did so without any force. The instant Masaki was lying down, Tatsuya pinned him to the floor, using both his body weight and his hands on Masaki's wrists. He pressed another kiss to Masaki's lips, and then kissed his way down Masaki's throat. Masaki's erection was trapped between them along with his own, and he could feel that Masaki was throbbing as well.
Masaki gasped at the sudden movement, but he didn't struggle. His expression shone with trust. He tilted back his head, baring his neck to Tatsuya's mouth. "Tatsuya!"
"Mn." Tatsuya felt himself leaking through his underwear. If he had thought they were both ready, he would have stripped them both naked and made love to Masaki on the spot. But he knew better. Instead, he sucked on Masaki's neck and then nibbled the skin. He pulled Masaki's wrists over his head and pinned them with one hand. Then he reached down between them and caressed over Masaki's throbbing hardness through his clothes.
Masaki's moan cracked through him. He arched into Tatsuya's touch, his breaths getting more ragged. "Tatsuya! Oh – Oh god, I might come right here. Like this."
A small flood of wetness dampened Tatsuya's underwear at this declaration. "Don't hold back," he said, and he could hear the intensity in his tone. He worked his hand inside of Masaki's underwear, wrapping his long fingers around Masaki's erection and pumping. He kept Masaki's wrists pinned to the floor and just watched the stunning beauty of Masaki's pleasure glowing on his flushed face. Masaki's lips were parted as he panted, and the sight was so arousing that it caused Tatsuya to spontaneously lick up Masaki's neck.
Masaki cried out and shivered, squirming. Sweat dampened his forehead. He leaked all over Tatsuya's hand, gasping and moaning deeply. Then, with another cry, he came, arching against Tatsuya one last time and then going limp. Bliss and contentment suffused his face, making it radiant.
It took a moment for Tatsuya to extract his hand, and then he released Masaki's wrists and pressed a gentle kiss to his lips. "Sexy," he murmured, thinking of the way Masaki had told him he was sexy. "Quite sexy." He lay on top of Masaki, his own erection still throbbing, and drank in the sight of Masaki's warm, satiated expression.
Masaki wrapped his arms around Tatsuya's shoulders and kissed his lips. His eyes were barely open. "I'm glad you think so. Thank you. Tatsuya . . ." His voice caught. He ran his fingers through Tatsuya's hair. "Tatsuya, please don't . . . If something ever happens again, just tell me. I'll understand. If you're afraid, it's okay. This is all very new to you. Some of it's new to me, too. I've gotten scared before. It doesn't make you less of a man."
Tatsuya gave Masaki a small smile. "I—ah, yes." A faint snort of amusement escaped him. "I see. Communication. Yes, that's what you've been trying to tell me: I have to communicate." He cupped Masaki's cheek with his dry hand. "I'm sorry. Even after I had resolved the problem within myself, I didn't admit anything was wrong to begin with. I had hoped you wouldn't notice that I had withdrawn, but you're too smart to miss it." He kissed Masaki's lips again. "It made you worry, and needlessly. That was my fault." He caressed Masaki's cheek. "I will prioritize working on my communication skills. I shouldn't try to pretend that I'm perfect."
Masaki laughed. He kissed Tatsuya back with a glowing expression. "You're very attractive when you're being yourself. You know, you should try this more often. Not just with me. It couldn't hurt to show your soft side with others." He stroked Tatsuya's back.
Tatsuya just cringed, although not without an element of humor. I'm glad you like the real me. But it is definitely not safe to show this side of myself to anyone other than you and Miyuki. "You're naturally charismatic," he murmured. "It can be quite disarming." He leaned in and mouthed Masaki's lips for a moment. "I feel pleased that I am the one who gets to pleasure you. Other than Kichijouji, of course."
"You have no idea, do you?" Masaki stared up at him. "How special you are? I'm equally proud that I get to be the one you're falling in love with—besides your sister. I mean, how can that not be a huge compliment? The first person outside your own family you want to bond with is me." He kissed Tatsuya in return. "Sometimes I can't believe it. That's why it was so easy instead to believe you might pull away and leave."
"Then I have yet to make you feel special enough," Tatsuya decided, his tone matter-of-fact. "I will work on that." He could feel a bit of heat in his cheeks from Masaki's compliment; it was strange to have gained the ability to have such a reaction. "I am honored that you find me to be special. But I assure you, other than Miyuki and two of my cousins, no one in my family is worth bonding with in any form or fashion."
Tatsuya pushed himself to his feet, bringing Masaki along with him. "That had to have been getting uncomfortable, especially on a hard wood floor." He pressed another kiss to Masaki's lips. "You'd best take me to the pizza or I will shame myself by ravishing you all over again." He sighed. "My therapist says the bulk of my emotions are simply repressed, so when they finally emerge, they can explode out of me. That is how I ended up fighting in Okinawa. Miyuki very nearly died in the attack, and when my anger broke loose, I essentially went berserk."
Masaki shook his head. "I believe you when you say that you have a lot of repressed emotions, but if one of my sisters almost died, I'd go berserk too, and I try not to repress anything." He kissed Tatsuya quickly and held Tatsuya's hand as he walked to the kitchen and got plates out for the two boxes of pizza on the counter. Then he left to go get himself cleaned up.
Tatsuya washed his hands at the kitchen sink and served himself two slices of teriyaki pizza.
When Masaki returned, he opened the box of seafood pizza. "Did you mean what you said about your family? That no one much is worth bonding with? Your dad isn't any better than your aunt?"
Tatsuya perched on a stool at the kitchen island. "He's a very different person, but he's not any better, no. He's frankly afraid of me and avoids me as much as he can. It's like I don't exist. He calls Miyuki sometimes, but the only person he's really interested in is his second wife." He took a bite of pizza.
Masaki winced, looking horrified. "That's terrible." He sat down beside Tatsuya with his own two slices of pizza. He lifted a slice but didn't eat it. "Why would he be afraid of you? He's your dad."
Tatsuya frowned. "Although my abilities are incredibly lopsided, I'm ultimately stronger than he is. I have been told most fathers are proud if their sons achieve more. Mine is just scared." He took a bite of pizza and wasn't bothered that it was lukewarm now.
Masaki took an overly large bite of pizza, chewed on it for half a minute, then swallowed. He didn't look any less upset; in fact, now he was frowning. "That's cruel."
Tatsuya reached out and squeezed Masaki's knee. "You are very empathetic. I appreciate that. As far as I can tell, it doesn't bother me emotionally. Then again, I suppose it could be firmly repressed. I honestly don't know. I have no real relationship with him."
"But that's wrong," Masaki said, staring down at his pizza. "Your dad is all you have. I thought—" He sighed miserably and looked at Tatsuya. "I thought your relationship with your dad must be okay. You never bonded at all?"
Tatsuya took another bite of pizza and shook his head. "Miyuki is still angry because when I got accepted into First High, Father didn't congratulate me. Only her. I didn't feel angry, of course, but in retrospect, I can say the incident sums up our relationship—or lack thereof. We speak if we see each other at FLT. But that's it." He had told Masaki about his work at FLT, although he hadn't yet revealed the part about Taurus Silver. "Probably the most family-like thing he's ever said to me is that he would understand if I hated my mother because of the surgery she made me undergo. But even that wasn't a show of empathy on his part."
Masaki stared. "But he's your dad. How can he be so cold?"
"Well, it isn't hard," Tatsuya said. "My father's actually scared of the Yotsuba in general. He's probably the most scared of me, though." He paused. "Initially, Miyuki mistreated me as well, but she was the one who turned the corner and accepted me. She even fell in love with me, although I don't understand why. I already knew my mother didn't love me."
Masaki paled flushed. "That's horrible! That's all horrible from start to finish. No wonder you can't stand to feel anything. If you felt anything at all it would always be pain." He set down his pizza and hugged Tatsuya tightly. "I'm sorry this happened to you. I'm sorry it sucks. I'm sorry your family doesn't count for anything and isn't a real family. That's not fair. Jouji lost his parents, but at least he had parents to begin with. I'm a rich kid with a perfect family and a dad who actually cares about me and my sisters. And I have a mom who stays home to nurture us. I'm so spoiled. Really. You can't even know what it's like to have a normal life. This is awful."
Although it was true Tatsuya couldn't understand what Masaki's life must be like—even though it sounded quite ideal—he found he felt vindicated by Masaki's response. He had believed himself to be "above" needing others to acknowledge him, his experiences, or his suffering, but it felt bolstering to have someone who loved him recognize and care about the injustice. He realized it was similar to the relief Miyuki provided when she got angry on his behalf.
Tatsuya set down his pizza and slipped his arms around Masaki's waist. "Thank you," he said simply.
Masaki cupped the back of Tatsuya's head with one hand and looked into Tatsuya's eyes with determination. "I'm not going to stand for it. You're getting the life you deserve. No one deserves to be treated the way you were. Not even war criminals. It's called cruel and unusual punishment. They experimented on you! You're not a science project. You're a human being. I don't care if you can't ever 'feel' anything the way people demand that you do to be 'normal.' You still feel enough. How can you ever feel anything except fucked up as long as your entire family support consists of a child bride who happens to be your own sister?"
Tatsuya was momentarily speechless, having not expected this reaction. Then he realized that Masaki was an inherently idealistic person—not in an unrealistic way but rather in a humanitarian way. "Ah—well, she won't be a child when we marry," he protested. Then he subsided as he considered the heart of what Masaki had said. "I suppose the lack of family support, love, and care would qualify as emotional neglect, and therefore child abuse." In his mind, he heard the voice of Dr. Manoru saying, You speak in such clinical ways about yourself, as though you are a client to yourself. Why do you think you use such distancing moves?
Tatsuya sighed. "Your observations are accurate. That is, I have no doubt Dr. Manoru would agree with everything you've said. My ability to see and comprehend the size of the problem is still limited. Although I understand my life is different than others' lives, given how rich and powerful my family is, I have grown up thinking that this emotional neglect is not unusual. Also, I had no friends prior to high school, so I didn't have others' experiences to compare mine against. Everything I saw on TV I assumed was wildly inaccurate tripe penned by over-emotional sods."
Masaki snorted and then burst out laughing. "Over-emotional sods?" He stroked Tatsuya's cheek. "You mean, like mothers packing school lunches and fathers bonding with their kids over sports or magic? And the whole family attending festivals together and singing silly songs? Yeah. That's my life."
"So you're one of these over-emotional sods?" Tatsuya teased him. But then he found himself hugging Masaki tightly, and he wasn't sure why. A strange pressure ballooned in his chest, unfamiliar and uncomfortable. "You're the type they were writing about." It seemed so odd. It threatened to give him a headache. I thought those were fairytales vaguely based on a long ago world that was destroyed by the war. He supposed his life was like some action-thriller spy movie instead. But those things don't even include families unless it's backstabbing family politics or kids being used for ransom. He considered his family's behavior and his aunt's abduction. Damn. Never mind. My life is a gory spy thriller.
Tatsuya found he couldn't even voice those observations. He just ended up holding Masaki to his chest. Then, suddenly, he said, "Be glad my sister has no interest in you. You would have been miserable as a member of our family."
Masaki rubbed Tatsuya's back, hugging Tatsuya closely. "I can see that," he whispered. "I'm amazed you could reach out to me after everything that happened to you." He snuggled Tatsuya rather like a cat would snuggle up.
For the second time that day, Masaki's words slammed into Tatsuya like a tsunami. He still couldn't figure out why it was happening or even what the emotion was—only that he could somehow feel Masaki's love. He also felt the resulting chemical reaction in his body. He drew back enough to create room, then cupped Masaki's cheek and kissed him. The initially chaste kiss lasted only moments, and then he slipped his tongue into Masaki's mouth.
Masaki kissed Tatsuya back passionately, cupping Tatsuya's face in his hands and caressing it as their tongues met. His fingers splayed upwards to comb through the locks of hair that framed Tatsuya's face.
Although Tatsuya's body had completely calmed down during their discussion, he found himself stirring again. The newness of the situation struck him squarely. Before, they had been sexually experimenting with each other, although it had been within the context of a serious relationship. Tatsuya had viewed their interactions as a learning process and as an aid to his overall understanding of what a romantic relationship entailed. Now, though, his arousal was tied to something more—to some feeling he couldn't name but still managed to have. As a result, the quality and flavor of their sexuality had changed in his eyes.
Realizing he had no doubt discovered something of great value, Tatsuya again cast aside his restraint. He caressed Masaki's tongue, a soft moan escaping him, and then pulled Masaki onto his lap to straddle him. He stroked his hands down Masaki's back and cupped his butt once more.
Masaki moaned, adjusting the angle of their kiss and stroking the back of Tatsuya's neck. He slipped his tongue into Tatsuya's mouth in return, leaning against him chest to chest.
Tatsuya had the fleeting thought that if they weren't careful, they wouldn't end up going on their hiking trip. But he didn't dwell on it. Instead, he enjoyed the feeling of Masaki's tongue caressing his from inside his own mouth. He caught it and sucked on it momentarily, and he found himself kneading Masaki where he cupped him. I want you, he realized with bald shock. It's not lust. It's not even a mere chemical reaction. It's . . . something more complex. But I can detect my own need.
Masaki gasped, breaking the kiss. "Tatsuya," he whispered, and his voice was as charged with emotion as Tatsuya felt. He stroked Tatsuya's hair. "It's all going to be all right. I promise. I'll see this through with you. Somehow, we'll make it work. I won't abandon you." His hand trailed down to cup Tatsuya's cheek. His blue-green eyes blazed. "I'm not leaving you to them."
Tatsuya got the distinct impression that he had been adopted as Masaki's personal cause. He found it didn't bother him; he recognized that Masaki was doing so out of love, not pity. "I believe you," he murmured, reaching up to stroke Masaki's cheek in return.
The pizza was doomed to grow cold.