A/N: Hello to my readers. Thanks for your support and love.

Thanks to those of alert and fav my story.

My mother tongue is French. I do try very hard to write a text with no mistakes in it. I do not master English completely. If there are mistakes in this chapter, please excuse-me…Love France xxx

The characters belong to S.M. In HOPE, they belong to me.

HOPE

Chap.10

GUILT

EDWARD

Flashback (Three days before the visit to the museum)

Wednesday

I had to tell my girls that I was leaving. I had to tell them that I wouldn't be their protector anymore. This life was not for me anymore. But what reasons could I give them? I couldn't obviously tell them that I was not able to deal with my fucked up life.

I was a fucking bastard and a monster. But those thoughts, I would keep for myself.

Jake understood my choices because they were mine. It was easy enough leaving Jake's gang. I knew that it was not as easy with other gangs. But there was a kind of respect between the members in this gang. As long as we kept our mouth shut. We could go on making our own choices; as long as the law of Omèrta was completely respected; no betrayal and no denunciation. And that I would respect. My lips were sealed and nobody would know…ever.

The girls noticed that I was not feeling well. My heart--if even I had a heart--was not with them anymore.

I wandered in the apartment like a lost soul. I thought I was a soulless monster. But, I was so very wrong. I could feel the guilt inside me; the guilt ravaging my inside. It was there, in my body, in my heart, in my mind and in my soul.

And there was Bella in my life now. She was the reason and the cause of my turmoil.

True…she was not the only reason. Sometimes, at night, even before I knew her, I thought about my life and I knew that my choices were bad. I tried to push those thoughts away, but they kept coming back.

But now, it was worse than ever.

Seeing Isabella, spending time with her and getting to know her better, awakened my conscience.

I was a bad guy and I knew it.

When I thought about my life, the way I lived my life as a teenager and as a young adult was not something to be proud of. I had made the wrong choices and I realized it now.

But, what could I have done? At that time, I was only looking for power. My life as a child had been fucked up. I was so afraid all the time. It seemed to me that I had not a lot of choices. Looking for bad people was my only option. I wanted to be respected and feared and that worked. But, what if I had chosen to live a normal teenager life? Nobody knew me when I was in high school. It was a completely new environment. Nobody knew my past. Nobody knew who Edward Masen was. It could have been completely different.

At that time, I didn't give a shit. The power I had on all those kids was giving me strenght… an energy I can't even describe. I felt like I had the whole world in my hands. I was respected and nobody was on my way. I was an intimidator and nobody dared to provoke me.

And having those girls working for me was not a big deal either. I didn't love them at all. I had no feelings for them…At least, I thought I had no feelings for them but deep inside me, I knew I was not that indifferent. The way, I protected them, even though I was using all those girls, selling their bodies to men and taking my own pleasure… I knew that they were kind of special. I knew other pimps who were very hard with their girls. They beat them and had no respect. I respected my girls in a way but it was as long as they did what they had to do. None of my girls tried to question my decisions. It never happened. What would have happened if one of them had tried to disobey? …Even now, I couldn't answer to my own questioning.

I had to talk to them. I couldn't postpone making my decision. It had to be now.

There were all in the apartment, waiting to have their schedules. But today, there wouldn't be any schedules. They didn't know it yet but this was my last day with them.

My last day being their pimp; and I would leave the apartment as soon as the meeting would be over.

Where would I go after? What would I do? I had no fucking ideas.

I would be nineteen years old in a few months. I had to do something with my life- something decent-. That would be a first for me…since a long time.

"Zafrina, Tia, Lizzie, Senna, Renée"…Come in the kitchen. We have to talk." I said in a husky voice.

They sat around the kitchen table and they looked at each other, obviously waiting for me to say something.

And I was staring at them, without knowing how to begin that damn discussion.

After what seemed a long time, I cleared my throat and said in a clipped voice.

"Girls, I have something to tell you."

"I've been thinking about it for awhile."

"In fact, these thoughts are always on my mind."

"I won't be living here from now on."

"I need a change in my life. I want to go on. I want to do something completely different.

"But…Edward. What will we do?" Lizzie said in a whining voice.

"We can't live without you." Tia said.

"I love you Edward. We all love you. We can't live without you." Senna added.

"Why? ...Why Edward? Is it because of us? Zafrina asked, tears falling on her cheeks.

"No, no girls… absolutely not". I said.

"It's not because of you. It's me. It's just me. I need a change. I want to go back to school. I have some new aspirations. I am not satisfied with my life as it is now".

"You don't want us Edward." Tia and Lizzie said almost at the same time. "How can we live without you? Who will be here for us?"

"We belong to you Edward". Renée said. "Don't go please."

"No, Renée. You don't belong to me. You are free to go whenever you want. You belong to yourself."

"And I am sorry girls. I am so sorry. You can't come with me. I have to go on, on my own. I don't know what my future will be. I have to take time for myself. I know I want to go back to school…and after I'll see."

"Is it because of Isabella?" Senna asked, in an almost crying voice.

"Part of my decision is, Senna. I cannot lie to you. This girl…I don't know. She appeals to me. She attracts me in a way I've never been attracted before. She fascinates me."

"And it wouldn't be fair to you. I love you all, in a way. But with Isabella…I don't know. There is something else. I can't describe it. It wouldn't be fair for you and for her. I want Isabella in a way I've never wanted someone."

Now, all the girls were crying.

And I was there, looking at them and feeling all the guilt coming back.

Guilt…because I manipulated them.

Guilt…because I used my power to make them fall in love with me.

Guilt…because now there were all in pain and in despair.

I was a monster and I knew it.

What I had done to those girls was monstrous.

After awhile, and this seemed an eternity, the girls calmed down.

"What now? Renée asked…What will we do? Who is going to take care of us? Who will protect us? Where are we going to live?" She added, without taking the time to breathe.

"Don't worry girls. I couldn't leave you unprotected."

"I already paid the rent for the apartment, six months in advance."

"Jake will be your boss. He told me…and I am sure he will… take good care of you."

"The fridge is full. There is a thousand dollars in the safe."

"Renée and Tia. I'll give you the combination of the safe. You will be in charge of administering the budget for awhile."

"Jake will come to see you tomorrow. He wants a meeting with all of you."

"One thing though", I added in a clipped voice. "I know Jake is a good guy. I know he will protect you."

"Don't call me. Forget my cell number. From now on, it will be as if I have never existed."

Then, I went in my bedroom to pack my things. I had not a lot of things in the apartment; mostly clothes, toiletries, some CDs, my guitar and my laptop.

As I was living at Jake's and the girls' apartment, I had things at both places.

One hour later, I left the girls' apartment.

I heard sobs and sniffing.

I didn't look back. I walked out of the apartment. My girls were in pain and, in a way, I was too. But my guilt was far more painful to endure than the pain in itself.

I walked to my car, put my suitcases in the Volvo's trunk and drove to Jake's apartment.

Nobody was in the house and this was a good thing. I didn't want to talk to anybody. I wanted to be alone.

I packed the things that belonged to me and left a note to Jake.

Jake

I left the girls' apartment this morning.

Please take care of them.

I'll call you next week.

Edward

Then, I was on the road again. I stopped at Tim Horton, took a coffee and a muffin and went on internet to see if there were rooms available not too far from Isabella's neighbourhood.

Maybe I was wrong. Maybe when she would know the real me, she wouldn't want to see me anymore but I had to find a place not very far from where she was living.

At least, I could see her at a distance.

I was lucky. There was a room available, four blocks from her place.

I wrote the address and drove to the place.

I rang the doorbell and a man answered the door. He was about fifty years old and introduced himself as Ben Varner.

He asked me to follow him to the second floor.

The room was spacious. There were French doors that led to a balcony. There was a private bathroom for every bedroom, so it was a good thing for me.

The room was well furnished; a big bed, two sets of drawers, a closet, a couch, a wall of shelves and a flat screen. It was perfect. It was perfect for me.

I paid the rent; cash and two months in advance.

I went back to the car to take my suitcases and my stuff and began to unpack everything.

Then, I went on internet again. I had to find a job. I had a lot of money but I couldn't survive an eternity with the money I had. So a part time job would be fine for me.

I looked for a job as a bartender. The salary was not fabulous, but the tips were. And a good-looking guy like me shouldn't have any problems receiving generous tips.

I knew how the girls reacted to me. I still had that power on the womankind. I would still use it, but this time, it would be to earn good money…not dirty money.

There were two places that interested me; 'Bentley' and 'La Boîte à Marcus'.

Those two places I already knew them. There were a lot of people going to those restaurants every night of the week, and it was even more crowded during the weekend.

I called at both restaurants and the owners wanted to meet me the next day, which was Thursday; two days before I would see Isabella again.

I had nothing to do for the rest of the evening. Isabella was at school and I couldn't call her, but I could text her. That was what I did.

E: Hello Bella.

Hope you have a nice night.

Thinking of you.

Miss you.

Edward xxx

At least, I hoped, she would text me back.

And I was right. Around 22:30, I heard my cell buzzing.

B: Hi Edward.

I had a hard time in maths.

Tired as hell.

Miss you too.

See you Saturday.

Bella xxx

Thursday

I woke up very early in the morning. I took a shower, shaved and dressed. I put on a tight-fit long sleeves white sweater, black pants and black boots. My hair…It was so messy and in complete disarray. I put gel to fix it. I didn't usually give a damn about my hair, but since I had those meetings in the afternoon, I better took a special care about my look.

Around 10:00, I decided to stop at La Stanza. I knew Isabella was serving breakfasts. I had not seen her since Tuesday and I was missing her a lot.

I drove my Volvo to the restaurant, parked it and walked into the place.

As soon as I saw Bella, my heart's pulse began to accelerate. Jesus-Christ…this girl was something. She affected me in a way I'd never been affected before.

She told me to follow her. Every time I came to La Stanza for breakfast, she was the one serving me.

And she was so beautiful; smiling at me with this radiance glowing on her face.

I was attracted to her and I knew she was attracted to me. And for me, it was a first. It was both physical and emotional. Never a girl fascinated me the way Isabella did.

She gave me a cup of coffee and a glass of water.

"Hey Edward. How are you this morning?"

"I am fine Bella…and seeing you and your beautiful smile, make me feel better."

"Oh thank you Edward. That's a nice thing to hear. "Bella answered, blushing and smiling again.

"So, are you hungry this morning?"

"I am Bella. I am starving."

"What would you like to eat?"

"Hmmm…I'll take eggs…sunny side up, sausages, French toasts and a bowl of fruits."

"Okay, sir. Back as soon as it is ready." She added, now winking at me.

And she walked back to the kitchen to give my order to the cook.

I tried to read the newspaper but I couldn't concentrate at all. All I could concentrate on was the beautiful brown hair girl who was serving the clients.

Fifteen minutes later she came back to my table.

"Here you are Edward. More coffee…"

"Yes, thanks Bella."

"So what are you doing this afternoon, Bella?"

"I have a ton of homework. And I have an exam tomorrow. So, I'll spend my afternoon and my evening doing my homework and studying."

"What about you Edward? Are you busy?"

"Yes, I have two meetings this afternoon."

"Oh…Okay then. Now, excuse-me Edward. I have to go back to the kitchen."

"Okay"

I began to eat. And I kept on staring at Bella every time she was serving the clients.

My first meeting was in three hours. It should give me the time to take a coffee with Bella and drive her to her house.

She came back fifteen minutes later. She filled my cup of coffee again.

"Bella- Do you want to take a coffee with me after your shift? And I could drive you home, if you don't mind."

"Fine with me Edward. I couldn't stay a long time though. I have a lot of studying to do."

"Okay, great. Anyway, I have a meeting in three hours. And that way I will be sure that you are home safe."

"You are very protective Edward, aren't you?" Bella added.

"Yes…I feel very protective of you."

"Okay then…and thank you"

"My pleasure, Bella." I like to spend time with you."

"I like to be with you too."

I waited for Bella to complete her shift. Then, it was time to go.

We went to Tim Horton and talked a bit. But, I kept avoiding talking about my life and my work; about the life I was living just a few days ago, and about the work I was doing too. When she would know that I was a fucking pimp, she would be disgusted. But I knew that sooner or later, I would have to face my reality.

It will come a time when I would have to tell her; and I was really freaking out.

So, I asked her questions on the school and the classes she was attending. She loved her school. She loved the teachers and she enjoyed learning new subjects…even in maths…though it was difficult.

It was time to drive her home. My meeting was in an hour and a half and I had to be there on time. I drove slowly, enjoying every single minute I was with Bella.

Then, I was in front of her house. I kissed her on the cheek and told her I was going to call her tonight. I went outside and opened the passenger's door for her.

I took her hand and helped her to get out of the car.

"A real gentleman, aren't you Edward? " Bell said a huge smile on her face.

"Sometimes I am Bella. Sometimes I am"… emphasizing on the word sometimes.

She ran her fingers in my hair, kissed me on the cheek and climbed up the stairs. She opened the door, waved me goodbye and disappeared.

The meetings went well. I chose 'La Boîte à Marcus'. The owner had one condition though. I had to speak French. That was not a problem with me. I already spoke French fluently. I would work five nights per week. The boss needed additional staff on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday and Saturday.

This was perfect for me. Isabella had no school on Thursday and I could see her on Sunday as well. Is she wanted too; if after knowing the real me, she still would want to see me.

I would begin to work the next Monday; two days after my date with Bella; two days after our visit to the museum.

I was beginning to see a light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe, there was something else for me too; a decent and normal life- a life with Bella in it.

There was something else I wanted to do as well; going back to school. I didn't know in what field yet. I already had my high school diploma. My marks were good. 'A' in every subject. So, I was not really afraid of not being accepted to the Cegep.

Maybe, I could help delinquents. I knew there was a syllabus in juvenile delinquency.

Maybe, I could help those kids who were delinquents…maybe I could work as a social worker, but, working on the streets; help those teenagers to make good choices. And I knew I could help them. I had a lot of experience in that field. I knew the ins and outs of making bad choices. I had been a delinquent myself…not so far ago…

Yes, the more I was thinking about it, the more it made sense. I would go on Friday to see if I could register in this syllabus. And I hoped I would be accepted.

As soon as I was back home, I went on internet. There was a Cegep not very far from 'La Boîte à Marcus'. I checked the entire syllabuses they offered and there was one in juvenile delinquency.

Good…First thing in the morning, I would go to the establishment. There was no time to lose. If I wanted to have Isabella in my life, I had to take myself in hand. I had to prove her that I was willing to change. I had to change for myself and for her. She had goals and I wanted to have goals too. I wanted to have Isabella in my life, but the right way; and I would do anything to have a decent life- for me and for her.

I called the restaurant and ordered a pizza.

I turned on the TV and flipped through the channels. There was nothing interesting.

I took my guitar and began to strum it.

Somewhere along the way, my hopefulness turned to sadness.

Somewhere along the way, my sadness turned to bitterness.

Somewhere along the way, my bitterness turned to anger.

Somewhere along the way, my anger turned to vengeance.

And the ones that I made pay, were never the ones who deserved it.

And that was so fucking true. None of those girls deserved what I had done to them.

How could you be, oh…oh…oh?

So perfect for me

Why can't you ignore the things I did before?

I just fucking hoped Isabella would forgive me. She had to forgive me.

I put my guitar on the bed and called her. I needed to hear her voice.

At the first ring, she answered.

"Hello"

"Hi Bella. How are you?"

"I am fine. Just finished my homework…I am eating dinner now. What are you doing?"

"I am waiting for the delivery boy. I ordered a pizza."

"So, how were your meetings Edward?"

"Great" I am quite happy."

"Oh! Nice"

"The doorbell is ringing. It must be the delivery boy. Bye sweetheart…See you on Saturday."

"Bye Edward. Have a nice evening."

"You too. Bye"

I hung up and went downstairs. It was the delivery boy. I paid the bill and gave him a tip.

Ben was in the kitchen, cooking.

"How are you Edward?"

"I am fine."

"We are alone in the house tonight. Stefan and Randall are working."

"Oh. Do you mind if I join you?"

"Not at all. Take a chair. "

Stefan and Randall were the two other guys who were living here. I didn't know them but I saw both of them the previous night.

"So Edward. Busy day today."

"Yes. I had a meeting, for a new job. I'll begin to work at 'La Boîte à Marcus' on Monday."

"Oh. I know that place. Are you happy?"

"Yes and I am going to visit a school tomorrow. I want to go to the Cegep. "

"Great. What were you doing before? Were you working?" Ben asked me.

"Oh yes. I was selling cars"…evidently not wanting him to know that I was a pimp.

"But I need a change. And I really want to go back to school. "

"Good. You are young. So do what is the best for you."

"That's the plan." I'll do whatever it takes to get a better life."

"You seem a man of action. I like it."

"Well thank you Ben."

We ate and talked a bit.

Then, I went to my bedroom and took a shower.

I was exhausted. This day had been a long one. I took a magazine-National Geographic- and began to read.

There was an article on David de Rothschild and a crew of experts, scientific and creative who wanted to sail 12,000 nautical miles across the Pacific Ocean from San Francisco to Sydney in a boat made out of plastic bottles and recycled waste products. This epic voyage named The Plastiki, was taking his inspiration from Thor Heyerdal's 1947 expedition The Kontiki.

The team aimed to captivate and inspire, as well as to motivate tomorrow's environmental thinkers and doers to take positive action for the planet and be smart with waste. Ultimately, the scientists hoped to inspire people to rethink waste as a valuable resource. One person's waste could be another person's treasure.

So true… I always loved sciences and people who were conscious about the well being of the planet.

It would have been much better if I would have taken care of people living on this planet; not treating them as shit, not using them -Helping those people who were weak to have a better life- But, this would change soon. That was a promise I was making to myself.

I closed the magazine and went to bed. I soon drifted in a deep sleep.

Saturday…and flashback from Friday

It was a beautiful Saturday morning. I was going to see Isabella in the afternoon and take her to 'Le Musée des Beaux Arts de Montréal'. There was an exhibition of Claude Monet's painting; my favourite painter among all. This would be a very nice and pleasant day.

Friday had been a productive day as well. I went to 'Le Cegep du Vieux Montréal'.

I met a counsellor who told me there was a new semester beginning in six weeks.

The classes were not full yet and he didn't see any problem with me being accepted.

"With the marks you have …it would be a pleasure to have you as a student".

"I can't take the decision but I am sure the committee will gladly accept your registration. You will receive a confirmation soon. Consider yourself of being a new student at 'Le Cégep du Vieux Montréal'." The counsellor added in an enthusiastic voice.

"Thank you sir", I would be really happy to attend classes here and to be accepted in this syllabus."

"I am quite positive you will be. Good luck Edward."

"Thank you sir."

Another thing I could tell to Isabella. I was taking my life in hand. There were positive changes coming ahead.

I called her and told her that I was ready to pick her up.

It was noon and I wanted to have time to really see the exhibition.

Bella was waiting for me. I would be with her the entire afternoon and for dinner as well. I was so fucking happy. Finally, the sun was coming out. It was sunny outside and I could feel its rays in my heart.

I drove my Volvo to her house and picked her up…Beautiful…My God…She was so beautiful.

The visit went well. Bella was really impressed with Claude Monet's paintings.

I told her about Claude Monet'style.

She listened and appreciated the paintings. There was this light in her eyes that made my heartbeat accelerated.

God, I was falling in love with her. I knew it. I could feel it; Joy and pain.

Joy, because I was with her.

Pain, because of what I would have to tell her.

Then, it was time to go out for dinner. I was a real bunch of nerves. How would she react? I was tired of hiding things from her. But I couldn't tell her everything. I was not ready. I would begin to tell her about my childhood first. Then, I would tell her the entire truth. When I would be ready…

I took her to 'Le Bâton Rouge'. It was a cosy place; a nice place to have a discussion.

The waiter asked us what we would like to drink.

Bella ordered a glass of white wine and I took a beer.

Then, there was this atmosphere of embarrassment surrounding us again. Bella bit her lip…a sure sign that she was nervous, and I ran my fingers in my hair… a sign that I was nervous as well.

And then she began to talk. Bella thanked me for the beautiful afternoon and told me that she enjoyed being with me.

And Jesus-Christ…was it the same for me. I enjoyed every single minute I was with her.

She told me that she wanted to know me better. And that she wanted me to know her better.

Isabella told me everything about her childhood and her teenager life.

Fuck…I was in shock. It was just pain and suffering; far worse than my own childhood.

How could have she endure so much pain? When she told me about Esme Cullen and the shadow… Jesus… I was feeling that rage in my heart. What this Jason did to her…He raped her. Sure as hell, I would have killed this guy. He was a monster. He had destroyed her.

Then, she told me about her goals; helping teenagers who were living hell; helping them to denounce their abusers.

And that she found herself lucky, when she was living on the streets. That she could have been approached by a gang or a pimp.

And it could have been me. That was what I was thinking when she was talking; it could have been me…the fucking pimp, the bastard and the monster.

I couldn't talk. I was there, in front of her and I was in so much pain.

I couldn't endure it anymore. I couldn't endure myself anymore. I had to go.

"Bella…I will drive you home. I can't talk to you tonight."

I paid the bill and drove her home.

There was not a single word in the car. I was not able to talk.

I parked the car, got out and opened the passenger door for her.

"Will you call me tomorrow?" Bella asked in a sad voice.

"I don't know Bella."

I kissed her on the forehead and drove back to my place.

I knew that I would call her. My heart was already hers. But was her heart going to be mine? That I couldn't answer. It was my turn to tell her the truth. Just hoped she would understand and forgive me.

End of chapter 10

A/N: The song Edward sang is 'Out of Blues' from Julian Casablancas.

Poor Edward… He is so much in pain now…He will confide in Bella very soon.

And how will she react?

Tell me what you think. Give me love and review.

Love you, France xxx