Summary: "Sometimes I wonder whether it was better being invisible and alone, or this." After a traumatic event Kurt wishes he was still invisible.
Disclaimer: I do not own Glee or any of the Glee characters. Glee is the property of Ryan Murphy and the other amazing people that helped create the show. Unfortunately, I'm not one of those people.
Warning: There are some non-con elements, swearing and violence in this chapter.
A/N: I seriously love the song I have Blaine sing here (I have shortened it a bit because I don't want the chapter to just be song lyrics. I'm a firm believer in the majority of a story or chapter being actual content). This song has gotten me through tons of hard times and despite that it's kind of old, I love it and I feel like it definitely fits Blaine and Kurt in this situation. In any case, please enjoy the chapter, it's the longest one yet!
Chapter 10 – Your Hands Are Mine to Hold
"Everybody," Mr. Schuester patted Blaine on the back as he 'introduced' the new student to the classroom, "This is Blaine Anderson, our new transfer from Dalton Academy and he wants to audition for New Directions."
"Dude, Mr. Schue, we all know Blaine," Puck reminded the teacher. "He's Kurt's lover-boy."
"Anyways Blaine, the floor is yours," Mr. Schuester gave Puck a pointed look and stepped back, leaving Blaine standing there in front of the thirteen glee clubbers.
Blaine looked over to the guys in the club. He missed his Warblers so much already, he really did, but Kurt needed him and it would be nice after all that time singing a cappella to actually have some musical accompaniment. "Do you know Move Along by The All American Rejects?"
"Duh, that song's awesome," Puck whipped out his guitar and started strumming the first few chords as Sam followed suit and Finn excitedly moved towards the drum set; the drums were something Finn could do for glee club that wouldn't hurt so much if he was careful about it. He'd noticed this morning when he was singing in the shower that singing kind of hurt.
As the music picked up Blaine opened his mouth to sing, his eyes glittering as he looked towards Kurt.
Go ahead as you waste your days with thinking,
when you fall everyone stands.
Another day and you've had your fill of sinking
with the life held in your…
Blaine grabbed Kurt's hands softly and gave them a gentle squeeze, before pressing them to his chest, just over his heart briefly, as he sang the next few lines.
hands are shaking cold.
These hands are meant to hold.
Speak to me.
Move along
Move along,
He released Kurt's hands suddenly and moved around to sing at the other glee club members. Kurt might think he was weak, but he needed the other boy to know just how strong he really was. Kurt thought he'd lost himself, but Blaine knew better.
He could see that the old Kurt was still in there, hidden somewhere deep behind glasz eyes and Blaine let the words flow from his mouth, trying to show Kurt what he already knew.
So a day when you've lost yourself completely
could be a night when your life ends.
Such a heart that'll lead you to deceiving
all the pain held in your…
hands are shaking cold.
He circled back to Kurt, his voice filling with emotion as he sang the chorus once again.
Your hands are mine to hold.
Speak to me.
When all you got to keep is strong, move along,
move along like I know ya do
and even when your hope is gone, move along,
move along just to make it through.
Move along.
Come on. Come on. Come on.
When everything is wrong, you move along.
Come on. Come on. Come on.
Everything is wrong, we move along…
When all you got to keep is strong, move along,
move along like I know ya do.
Even when your hope is gone, move along,
move along just to make it through.
Finn impulsively added the background vocals, although they were softer than usual and he winced before continuing to work the drum set.
"When all you got to keep is strong, move along,
move along like I know ya do.
And even when your hope is gone, move along,
move along, just to make it through.
Come on. Come on. Come on.
Right that what is wrong
We move along.
(Move Along, by All American Rejects)
The glee club clapped hard, though a few of the boys looked at each other, wondering a little at the song choice.
"Well Blaine, welcome to New Directions," Mr. Schuester congratulated with a somewhat strained looking smile. Obviously it wasn't the students that noticed something weird, "Why don't you go take a seat?"
Blaine sat down beside Kurt and went to take his hand, but Kurt pulled it away from him with a scowl. "What? What did I do?"
"If you were going to sing that song, did you have to sing it directly at me?" He whispered back angrily. "People are whispering to each other. They want to know why you felt you had to sing that to me. I'm sick of all the attention Blaine and you coming here and singing that song, it's not helping."
"I just wanted to show you that I know you can get through this, that I believe in you," he lowered his head. "I'm sorry Kurt. I thought you'd like it."
"Great now I feel like an asshole," Kurt sighed and grabbed Blaine's hand. "It was a great gesture. I just wish you'd sung it to me in a more private setting, that's all." He squeezed his boyfriend's hand slightly, "I'm not mad." He managed a slight smile, "I'm glad my hands are yours to hold."
"Good," he stole a kiss on his cheek. "I don't think I could've survived if they weren't. I love holding your hand."
"Uh Mr. Schue," both boys turned when they heard Finn speak up. "I don't think I can take part in Glee for a while. Maybe Blaine and the other guys could take some of the male solos or something." The rest of the glee club suddenly forgot about Blaine's song selection and stared over at him before the whole group erupted in protests.
"What the hell Pastry Bag?" Santana had her hands on her hips, making the others wonder if he was about to go all Lima Heights Adjacent on his ass. Finn hoped not. He was already sore and he definitely didn't want to get beaten up by a girl.
"Dude we need you here."
"Guys, guys," Mr. Schue called out, trying to calm the angry students. "Let Finn explain what's going on. Finn?"
Finn lowered his eyes for a minute, "It's not that I don't want to be in Glee. I actually don't think I can. I know I can't play sports for a while too." He winced and rubbed his chest, "I tripped the other day and I think I broke a rib or something. It literally hurts when I try to sing… or move."
Mr. Schue frowned deeply, "Well we're all very sorry to hear that Finn. Of course you can still take part in Glee. You can assist with ideas for song selection and our set list for Nationals." He paused, "Wait, you think you broke a rib? Did you go get it checked out?"
"No, it's just bruised," he panicked slightly and altered his story. "They're definitely not bad enough to be broken."
"Do your parents know at least?" Finn let out a soft growl when the teacher didn't immediately let it go.
"Yeah," he lied with a frown. "Can we not talk about it anymore?"
"Sure thing Finn," Mr. Schuester nodded sympathetically, apparently finally somewhat satisfied. "Alright, so let's talk about this week's glee assignment. This week I want you all to find a song that sums up an event that truly changed your life. You can team up if you like, but I really want the song to represent whatever that moment was for you. Alright I'll let you guys discuss it."
"There's no way in hell I can sing about the event that changed my life," Kurt muttered under his breath so only Blaine could hear as he shifted in his chair.
"I think I'll sing about you," Blaine told him softly with a little smile. "I know a lot of things have happened since we found each other, some good, some really bad, but it changed my life for the better because now you're in it."
"Geez and you said you were bad at the romance stuff," Kurt joked softly and leaned his shoulder into Blaine's.
"I am," Blaine insisted with a smile, enjoying the warmth that was his boyfriend pressed against him. "Don't worry you'll figure it out soon enough." He paused softly and squeezed Kurt's hand, "Do you know what you want to sing about, if you don't want to sing about you-know-what?"
Kurt shook his head, "It's the only event that's stuck in my head, but there's no way I could ever sing about it. I don't think I could handle it in front of everybody. I could sing about my mom though, losing her was… well it was losing a parent." He swallowed the thick lump in his throat. He didn't think he wanted to sing about that either. Everything was just too hard.
There was still a huge hole in his heart from where she used to be and it definitely didn't help that she wasn't here now. Ever since the incident in the math room he'd been needing and missing his mom more and more. It never did get easier, he just got better at handling it, but lately he hadn't been able to handle anything properly.
"Pick a song to sing about you-know-what," Blaine said in a gentle voice, breaking into his thoughts. "I think Mr. Schue's idea for the club is a good one. Pick a song to sing about it, and sing it to me instead. Then you can pick a different one to sing for the club, about your mom."
"Hey Kurt, Blaine," Finn interrupted the two, slipping into a chair near them, "Did you guys want some help with your song choices… since, you know I can't sing."
"Well I could use some help I guess," Kurt mumbled. "Blaine thinks I should sing about the-the thing a few days ago, at least to him, but I need something for in front of the glee club, about my mom."
"I have a song I think," Blaine spoke up quietly, "but I think helping Kurt would be a good idea. He's going to sing about his mother… for the purposes of glee club anyways."
Finn opened his mouth, "Kurt, if you don't mind. Would you sing a song for the both of us? I could do back up or something?" He paused softly, "I thought it could be about your mom and my dad, you know?"
Kurt frowned, "What song?"
"Pictures of You," Finn told him with a soft frown, "It's got bits about going off to war in it, and like waiting for a cure too… so it's like two birds with one stone or something." He shrugged his shoulders, "It's like, 'cause all I have is one picture with my dad… You don't have to if you don't want to."
Kurt nodded his head, giving Finn a slight, warm smile, "Of course I'll do it. That solves my glee assignment too anyways."
"Any thoughts on what you're going to sing for our personal assignment," Blaine asked Kurt with a gentle squeeze of his hand.
"I'm debating between two actually," Kurt took a deep breath, "I was either thinking Take a Bow by Leona Lewis or Damaged by Plumb. I can't make up my mind though."
"Sing both," Finn suggested immediately. "Or do a mash-up."
"So I have to learn three songs while everyone else only has to learn one?" Kurt asked, only half sarcastic. "I'll think about it. They are both good songs." He let out a soft sigh, "and I do like the mash up idea." He rose to his feet and grabbed his back, settling the strap over his shoulder, "However I would like practice in relative privacy, so I'm going to head to the auditorium."
The other two boys nodded their heads and rose along with him.
Kurt let out a long sigh, "I meant by myself, but come on." He realised as they walked out of the choir room that there was no way either of them were going to let him out of their sight for a while. He figured he might as well get used to it, besides he did feel somewhat safer with his brother and his boyfriend at either side.
"Boys," they stopped when they heard Mr. Schue's voice at the door. The teacher stepped into the hallway and approached the three boys with a frown. Apparently he wasn't as satisfied as Finn had originally thought, "Is something going on? I know for a fact that you two," he motioned to Finn and Kurt, "have been acting really different lately and I can't say that Blaine's song selection and choice to sing it to Kurt, as well as his sudden transfer doesn't worry me, because it does."
Kurt lowered his eyes, "Nothing's going on Mr. Schue. Blaine was just singing about the bullying that used to go on, you know?"
Mr. Schuester raised an eyebrow, "I'm starting to think it's still going on Kurt." He looked over at Finn, "I certainly don't believe that Finn tripped. Maybe he can't dance, but he's not that clumsy."
Kurt looked between Blaine and Finn, who seemed to be silently trying to convince him to tell Mr. Schue. He was almost tempted. He knew Mr. Schue would never think he wanted it, he would understand, but then he remembered all Karofsky's threats. So instead he just shook his head and said to the teacher tightly, "Everything is fine, Mr. Schue, but thank you. Your concern, it's appreciated." With that he turned on his heel and left, knowing the other two boys would follow.
Blaine groaned inwardly as he walked with the three other boys. He was surprised by the amount of homework he'd gotten during his first day at McKinley. It all looked pretty easy, at least compared to Dalton's standards, but the quantity was a little ridiculous. He was sure he'd gotten more math problems than anyone else.
The groan, well that was because he'd just realized he'd forgotten his math textbook in his locker and he definitely didn't want to have to turn the whole group around because of one book.
Quietly he slipped away from the group as they turned a corner and darted back down the way they'd come. It would only take him a second to find his book anyway; his locker was still pretty clean considering he hadn't been at the school long enough to let it get disorganized.
He smiled a little at the photograph of him and Kurt smiling together on the inside of the locker door. He'd put it up there when he saw his school picture staring down from Kurt's locker with his little 'courage' collage.
Of course he'd teased Kurt good-naturedly about it and rewarded how well he took said teasing with a kiss.
"Well," Blaine's head whipped around at the voice and he found himself face to face with his boyfriend's tormentor, "Isn't it Fancy's preppy boyfriend?"
A hand pressed against his neck and pushed him back into the lockers with much more force than necessary. "Fuck you Karofsky," he growled at the taller boy, pushing his hand away from his neck.
The bully let out a throaty laugh, leaning forward to press his body against Blaine's. "Kurt didn't tell you, did he? He didn't tell you about my little promise?"
Blaine's eyes flickered from side to side looking down the empty halls for some kind of witness. The glee boys were doing a fantastic job at protecting Kurt, but he was still here alone with a boy who he knew was capable of rape. Of course that was his fault and not theirs. He swallowed thickly, trying to balance the anger and fear churning uncomfortably in his stomach, "What promise was that?"
"The one where I told him if he insisted on his lies," Karofsky suddenly gripped his wrists tightly, pinning them to his sides, "That I'd have to set you straight. Didn't he tell you that Blainey-boy?"
"Don't call me that," he snapped automatically. The churning in his stomach intensified suddenly and he felt the blood in his veins pump through his body faster, making his limbs tingle in fear. He was starting to think maybe he shouldn't have snapped at the boy pinning him painfully against his locker, "Set me straight how?" He winced at the wavering in his voice. He hadn't meant to sound so weak, or scared. He was supposed to be being strong and protecting Kurt, but now he was just shifting painfully in the grip Karofsky had on him.
"I'm sure you know," the bully let out a satisfied looking smirk at the slight widening of Blaine's eyes and the small 'o' his mouth made.
Blaine tried to jerk out of the other boy's grip, and succeeded only in making the metal of the locker dig into his back.
His arms were sliding against the lockers without his permission, being forcibly moved by the other boy until they were pinned up near his head. He glared up at Karofsky's face and mustered up all his courage; "Let me go Karofsky or I swear to God I will scream."
"I'd like to see that Blainey-boy," the other boy let out a chuckle, letting go of Blaine's wrists and grabbing his waist tightly instead, pressing him even harder against the lockers.
Blaine froze when he felt the hard presence pressing tightly against his thigh. He took in a soft panting breath, still trying to recover the courage he'd had only moments before, "You're not going to do this Karofsky. You don't really want to, you know that."
Karofsky's face leaned in to his, pressing their cheeks together as warm breath passed over his ear, "That's what Kurt said."
Blaine bucked viciously in his grip, his arms trying to hit whatever part of Karofsky he could, but with so little distance between them he could only pound uselessly on his back. "You fucking bastard," he growled, still trying to pull away. "Let me go."
Karofsky let out a soft laugh and Blaine felt a hand slide up his shirt over his stomach. "This is nothing," the other boy told him with another laugh. "You're both so fucking easy, it's hilarious."
A hand yanked at his hair, pulling his head back and he shuddered when he felt lips pressed to his neck, biting and sucking. He bucked again, this time trying to get some leverage to push the other boy away, but there was so little space between his bodies that the pushes had no power whatsoever. He tried a different approach, "You're going to get caught if you don't stop this now."
"Just like Kurt," Karofsky whispered against his neck with another laugh.
"That's it, I'm screaming," Blaine told him, his voice sounding slightly hoarse from the bitten back tears.
"You do and I'll break your neck," Karofsky growled at him, yanking harder on his hair. "It'll be fucking easy."
He'd never felt more helpless in his life. As much as he hated himself for it, he let the whispered plea slip from his mouth. It wasn't like the angry, forced bravery was doing him any good anyways, "Please Karofsky, let me go."
"Dude! Blaine! Where the hell are you?"
The sound of the distant voice forced Karofsky to finally release his grip. It didn't stop him from slamming his fist into Blaine's abdomen, sending the short boy to the floor. He gathered up the fabric of Blaine's shirt in his hands and pulled him up roughly before slamming him against the lockers, "Consider this a warning. Keep your mouth shut."
Blaine stared at him, his hazel eyes wide and slowly nodded.
TBC...
A/N: Reviews really are lovely!