She Will Be Loved
A/N: I know everyone wants to get back to the present day, and we will in the next chapter (and you know I update quickly). I just wanted to give Bella the chance to finish telling her life, but this chapter will bring her all the way until she gets arrested for taking Anthony to Vegas.
When I said that the last chapter was the longest, I was wrong, because this one is longer. lol
~Chapter 10 – A Decade to Breathe~
BPOV
The last thing I thought of before the darkness overtook me, was the image of Edward holding Anthony. I only saw them together briefly, but it was enough to give me peace of mind knowing that Anthony was at least with one of his parents. I had no idea if or when Edward was going back overseas, but there was nothing I could do about that, and I would die with the security of knowing that he would never leave him permanently.
I welcomed death knowing that even though I couldn't be with my son in life, I would always be with him spiritually and there was nothing Tanya could do about that.
But death was a lot louder than I was expecting. In the darkness, there was a strange beeping noise and the murmur of people talking in the distance. I was confused, but then again, no one had ever proved that they had been to heaven and back, so no one could say for sure what it was supposed to be like.
Suddenly, there was a bright light, which definitely made sense. But as my eyes adjusted, I looked around, and realized that I wasn't actually dead. I was in a hospital…and I was pissed.
"Welcome back," a chubby nurse said with a smile.
"No, no, no, no," I muttered quietly to myself. I didn't want to be back, I wanted to die, and it wasn't fair that I was cheated out of it.
Just then, another woman walked into the room, and I could tell by her nametag that she was a psychologist. "Good morning, and how are you feeling?" the woman asked kindly. "I'm Dr. Esme Cullen, and I was hoping I could ask you a few questions," she asked.
"I was supposed to die," I mumbled before looking at me wrists. There was pain from where I cut myself, but the wounds were covered with bandages.
"Yes, but you were gotten to in time," the doctor said softly. "And now, you have a second chance."
"Who got to me?" I asked confused. I had thought that no one was around when it happened, so I was beyond shocked that I was saved.
"A passerby spotted you lying in the street bleeding, so he called an ambulance," she explained. "Now, you didn't have any ID, so can you tell me your name?"
I shook my head no.
"Can you at least tell me how old you are? We can fingerprint you if you don't cooperate."
But I still didn't answer. The last thing I wanted was for them to find out I was a minor and call my parents; if I never saw them again, it would still be too soon. Even just thinking about them made me even angrier then I already was, and I briefly thought about finding a gun and killing all of them in their sleep. I had slit my wrists with the positive image of Anthony and Edward together, but at that moment, I was furious about that too. Edward may have been drunk that night, but when he left, he took my entire life with him. I lost everything, and I blamed him as much as Tanya and my parents. If it were possible to lock the four of them up in a house and blow the whole thing up, I would have. I would take my son, and we'd never look back.
"Ok, well, I guess I'll have someone come up here with the fingerprinting kit," Dr. Esme said because I refused to talk to her anymore.
The moment she left I pulled my IV out, the way I had done after my son was born, and I searched for something to dress in.
"Leaving so soon?" a deep voice asked from the doorway.
I looked up to see a woman standing there, and I was absolutely stunned. I had never seen a cross dresser before, but I was positive that's what she was…or he was…or…whatever.
"Who are you?" I asked hesitantly.
"I'm the person who saved your life. Who are you?" he/she asked.
"I'm the person you should have let die," I said bitterly and then continued to look for my clothes. Finally, in a cabinet by the door, I found them so I started to get dressed. I didn't even care that the man/woman was in the room, I needed to get out of there before they figured out who I was.
I walked right out of the room and then a nurse saw me, so she called for someone to restrain me, but there was no way I'd let that happen. I ran for it, but just when I thought I was out, a security guard grabbed me from behind. I tried to kick and scream to get away from him, but the guy was huge and fighting was pointless. Out of nowhere, I heard a loud thump, and the security guard let go of me before dropping to his knees and falling over.
"What the…?" I said while looking at him on the ground, and then I saw the cross dresser standing behind him holding a nightstick.
"Hum, and I didn't even break a nail," he/she said smugly while looking at her hand.
"How'd you get the stick from him?" I asked confused knowing the nightstick had to have come from the security guard.
"Honey please. I can take any item off of any man's body, without him knowing it," she said with a smirk.
"Thank you," I said sincerely. "But he could really be hurt, maybe we should get him some help," I suggested.
"He's at a hospital," she said carelessly, and then grabbed my arm and led me away from the hospital.
"Where are we going?" I asked confused.
"Well, by the smell of those clothes, I'd say you didn't have any other place to go, so I'm taking you home with me. I'm Jacob, by the way."
"Jacob?" I asked suggestively while gesturing to her outfit.
He looked down at himself. "Oh, am I Jaclyn today? Sometimes I forget who I dressed as in morning," he said while shaking his head.
"Look, I appreciate you wanting to help me, but I don't have any plans on hanging around for much longer," I told him…her.
"Honey, I know that whatever happened to you seems bad right now, but give it some time, it's not worth ending your life over."
"I just can't live like this anymore," I said hopelessly.
"Baby doll, you can't be any older than twenty, you have your entire life ahead of you to make things right."
"I'm sixteen," I said quietly. I wasn't sure why I told him that, but for some reason, I didn't feel so alone in that moment.
"Oh goodness, I'm going to get charged with contributing with the delinquency of a minor…or maybe kidnapping," he mumbled to himself. "Tell me sweetie, what could be so wrong in your life that made you want to kill yourself?" he asked.
"It's a long story," I said to him quietly.
"Well, I got time," he said with a smile, and reluctantly, I found myself going with him to his apartment.
It was a small place, but it was clean and protection from the cold and rain, so it felt really good to be there. I unexpectedly found myself pouring my heart out to the stranger, and he held my hand the entire time. I didn't know how or why Jacob decided to rescue me, but that's exactly what he did. He convinced me that one day the truth would come out, and even if it was many years down the road when my son was an adult, he would come looking for me. I needed to be there if or when Anthony wanted to know the truth from my mouth, and if I was dead, he would never get that peace.
"The truth always comes out," Jake said slowly.
Jacob and I quickly became like family, although, I knew he would never betray me the way my real family had done. His family disowned him when they found out he was a cross dresser, but he just shrugged his shoulders and said "Their loss."
I took his words to heart, and I tried to clean myself up. Jake got me some new clothes, and a new attitude on life. I didn't want to be a pathetic loser forever, I wanted to do something with my life, because if Anthony ever did come looking for me, I didn't want him to be horrified at what he found.
I got a fake ID and a job as a waitress, but as the years passed, I would often find my depression seeping back in.
I never sought out the drugs, but I somehow always seemed to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Some of the other waitress where I worked were getting high in the back alley, and as much as I pretended I was ok most of the time, the thought of not feeling the pain, even for a few hours, was too good to pass up so I joined them. I ended up passing out back there, and once again, I found myself waking up in a hospital.
"Good morning," a familiar face said.
"Ugh!" I shouted angrily. I wasn't trying to kill myself, so the fact that someone called an ambulance and I ended up in the hospital, just pissed me off.
"Well, I'm not sure if you remember me or not, but I'm Dr. Esme Cullen," she said with a smile.
It had been a couple years since I was last there, so I was surprised that she remembered me, but I definitely remembered her.
"So, here's what we're going to do. You are going to tell me your name, and I'm going to demand that you come in for weekly appointments, or I'll have you committed."
So, it was easy to tell which one I chose. They wouldn't let me leave until they verified my name, but since I was finally eighteen, they couldn't force me to go back to my parents. But I was required to go to weekly therapy appointments, which I seriously thought about skipping out on, but they were free so I figured they might actually help.
"So Bella, your chart says that you're a runaway. Is that true?" Esme asked during my first appointment.
"Wouldn't you run away too if your parents sent you off to a jail, and called it a boarding school," I said with attitude.
"Can we talk about that? Tell me why you were sent to that school in the first place," Esme asked.
I shrugged. "I got caught stealing stuff, so since my dad's a cop, he decided to send me there instead of making me do jail time. But it really wasn't much different," I said carelessly.
"And how did that make you feel?" she asked softly.
"Peachy," I said with an obviously fake smile.
"Bella, if you don't try to open up to me, then I can't help you," she told me.
"Look, you said I had to come to these things or else I'll be committed, or arrested, or whatever the hell, so here I am. But that's as much as I'm doing. I have no desire to talk about this shit with you, or anyone else. Can I leave now?"
I actually really wanted to tell Esme everything, she seemed like a genuinely nice person, but I had been so burned by people I was supposed to be able to trust, that I just didn't know how to let go of my secrets. I told Jacob, but he was like my lifeline at that time, and I refused to ever speak of it again.
"You know, I spoke to your mother on the phone," she said surprisingly.
"Why?" I asked bitterly.
"Well, I thought it would be nice to let your parents know that you're at least alive. I was hoping to set up a meeting with you and your parents, but…"
"But, she had no desire to come 'talk it out'," I assumed sarcastically.
"They had obligations that they couldn't miss, but I'm hoping that they can make it another time. Your mom did sound happy to know you were safe though," Esme said.
"Well, doesn't that make me feel so warm and fuzzy inside," I said annoyed. "Can I leave now?"
I left the session, but that wasn't the last time I saw Dr. Esme Cullen. I went to a few more appointments, but over the years, I was forced to meet with her anytime I got into any trouble. We never even scratched the surface of my issues, but it was a strange comfort knowing that she was going to keep trying. She was basically a stranger to me, and yet, I could feel more compassion from her during our brief times together, than I ever felt from my own mother.
I had my ups and downs over the years, although my ups were never very high, and my downs were so low that I would end up buried below ground, until I could somehow manage to claw my way out by remembering the reasons why I was still hanging on.
I had moments of happiness in my life. Jacob and I would stay up late and pop popcorn and talk about our dreams. I didn't have many, but he wanted to be a show girl, so we promised each other we would go to Vegas together one day. I had no idea what I would have done without Jake, he saved my life in more ways than one and I thanked god for him every day. He was not only my best friend, but he was my father and mother as well. He was everything I needed him to be, and he was always there for me, even when I fell off the wagon.
I basically walked through life in a constant state of clouded awareness. I went through all the motions, but I wasn't really living, I just existed. But I fell hard again around the time of my son's tenth birthday. I tried not to keep track of the passing years, but it was next to impossible not to. I knew every painful year that I wasn't allowed to hold him in my arms, and knowing an entire decade had passed, was just too hard to deal with on my own, so I turned to drugs yet again.
I had been living in that city for a long time, and I knew exactly where to go to stay away from the drugs, and I also knew all the places where drugs were plentiful and they sold them at a cheap rate.
I spent several weeks in my latest stint with drugs, but I was already on thin ice at my job so I needed to be careful. Ben, from Ben's Bar, was very forgiving with me so I was lucky, but I knew he was getting tired of my shit. So I would spend my nights getting high, then sleep all morning, go to work in the evenings during the busy hours, and then get high again. Jacob was worried about me, but he knew my routine; I just needed some time to work through my internal struggles, and then I would clean myself up again.
It was after one particularly long night of getting high that my world changed again…
I had taken a new cocktail that I had never tried before, and I ended up passing out which caused me to overstay longer than I had planned. By the time I came to, it was already the afternoon so I really needed to get home to get cleaned up. I was minding my own business, dazedly waiting for the bus, when out of nowhere Edward Masen reentered my life.
Seeing Edward at that time, was so surreal that I wasn't even sure if he was really there, or if his image was just a nasty side effect of the drug.
"Edward?" I asked groggily. The sun was far too bright that day, so it made my head pound relentlessly and I couldn't think straight.
"Yeah. Wow, I can't believe it's really you. You look….grown up," he said, which really kind of pissed me off. He forced me to grow up without even knowing it, and it happened a hell of a long time before he could imagine.
"That tends to happen," I said annoyed, and then looked down the street for the bus. I used to dream about seeing Edward again, and I had about a million things I wanted to say to him. But as he was there, standing in front of me, none of it seemed to matter anymore. As angry as I convinced myself that I was, the truth was that deep down I would always love him, and the last thing I wanted was for him to get arrested for statutory rape if the truth ever came out. If I really thought telling him would make a difference, maybe I would have, but it had been so long that there was no way Anthony would want to be with me anymore anyway. I was nothing but a sometimes drug user without a respectable job, and they had a whole happy life together that would never include me.
"How long have you been living here? You know, your parents have been worried sick about you," he said.
"I'm sure," I replied bitterly, and continued to look down the street. I almost wanted to laugh at the ridiculous notion of my parents being worried about me; all they were worried about was their precious reputation.
Edward kept asking me things, and I kept hoping the bus would get there to save me from the brutal blast from my past. But when he asked me to go with him to his hotel, I actually found myself agreeing. I had no idea why, perhaps it was my core need to talk to him some more, to hear any possible thing he might say about my son, but whatever the hell it was, I knew it was definitely going to be a painful experience.
The moment I got to his room, I realized that it was a huge mistake. I couldn't handle it, and I needed to leave…except he wouldn't let me go. He grabbed my wrist and dragged me out of the room. I didn't know where he was taking me, but I didn't want to know either. I didn't want to be anywhere near him at all because I absolutely despised him…and I was still in love with him at the same time, which only made me hate him even more.
Why did I still feel so strongly for him? He was technically my brother in law and he was partially responsible for ruining my life, but no matter how hard I fought it, I still loved him with everything inside me. On the outside however, I was extremely agitated.
After throwing up my latest drug cocktail on the side of the highway, he continued to drive me into Forks, which triggered my fight or flight response. When we pulled up to his perfect fucking house, I tried to run for it, there was no way in hell that he was going to bring me into their love nest. Except, he was much stronger than me, and managed to wrestle me inside.
"That old bat is going to call the police," I told him after one of his neighbors saw him bringing me inside against my will. I was hoping he'd freak and let me go, but he didn't even bat an eye.
I was absolutely flabbergasted when Edward started nailing the door shut in order to keep me inside. But a part of me was grateful for it. I couldn't get out, but that also meant that no one else could get in. I could shut myself off when it came to Edward, but if Tanya showed up, I'd probably end up killing her.
Edward took off down the hall, I wasn't sure what he was doing, but that's when I noticed a picture of Anthony. I felt numb looking at him, like as if I was looking at someone else's kid; although, I supposed it didn't help that Edward and Tanya were also in the picture. I tried so hard not to think of them as a family over the years, and I buried all my emotions for him so deep, that I just didn't know how to feel anymore.
Edward talked, and I answered him absently, but then I moved on to a different picture. The second picture was actually more difficult to bury my emotions with, because it was almost exactly how I imagined them together when I was still pregnant. It was just Edward and Anthony with messy smiles, looking like they were having a great time together, and I couldn't help the tiny grin that escaped my lips from seeing it. For the first time, I felt like Anthony wasn't lost without me, because he was right where he was supposed to be…with his dad anyway. The two of them looked so right together, that there was no way I could imagine them apart after seeing that.
"He looks like you," I told him, which I had always known he would.
"Yeah, he's my mini me….well, he's not so mini anymore."
Edward told me what Tanya had said happened to me, and even though I wasn't surprised at that point, there was just something about the way he said it that made me completely lose it. I had two choices, either cry hysterically, or get beyond pissed. I hadn't cried in years, and I refused to start then, so I chose the latter. I started throwing stuff, trying to break anything I could get my hands on. I hated that fucking house, and everything that went on inside of it. I hated all of Tanya's stupid shit all over, and I just wanted nothing more than a tornado to sweep in and destroy the entire fucking place.
When Edward still wouldn't let me out of the house, I redirected my destruction to him; I lashed out and punched his chest over and over again. I hated a lot of people in my life, but in that moment, he was at the top of my list. Everything about that house was my own personal hell, and he was holding me down in the flames. I wasn't sure if he enjoyed watching me burn there, or if he really thought he was helping me, either way, I needed to find a way to numb myself again.
"Have you seriously forgotten what we used to mean to each other?" he asked me intensely. "You know you were my best friend….I wouldn't even be alive today if it weren't for you."
I wanted to fall in his arms and pour my heart out to him; I wanted him to wrap his arms around me and kiss my forehead the way he always used, but he didn't, and I didn't even know what was in my heart anymore to give to him anyway.
I shut myself off after that. There would be no more screaming, or daydreaming about my son and what should have been. I couldn't live in the past, and there was no moving forward, so I just went back to my stagnant existence. I spent the next few days in that manner, just passing the nothingness of time, waiting until he'd take pity on me and let me go back to my thrillingly vacant life.
Edward asked one more time what happened to me, he wanted to hear my version of the events that drove me from home, but my truth was so far off from what my family had said, that I really didn't think he'd believe me anyway.
But there was one question that I did have for him…"Are you still in love with Tanya?" I asked him. He was obviously flustered by the question, so I already had my answer. I knew he never loved her, he had told me that he didn't, so in a way, I almost felt sorry for him. He was doing what he thought was right by staying with Tanya for Anthony's sake, but what he was really doing, was locking himself in a hell of his own.
"This isn't about me or Tanya, this is about you," he told me, trying to change the subject because he knew I could see through him.
"It's always about Tanya, haven't you learned that by now?" I told him quietly. It was the most amount of honesty that I could give him at that time, I just wished he could somehow understand. "I always thought you would get sick of her eventually, and remember that you actually loved me," I said, regretting the words as soon as they came out of my mouth.
"I never stopped loving you Bella," he told me strongly. "It just became…different."
"Right, you mean Tanya was just more beautiful and had a better body, right?"
"Bella…I…" he said searching for the right words he wanted to say. "You were just a kid," he said finally.
"Whatever," I said to myself. I was just a fucking kid back then, who gave birth to his kid, but I guess that didn't really matter. I knew it didn't matter to my parents, so why should it matter to him. "Look, despite what you think, I do have somewhere to be, so can I leave."
After a ridiculous ordeal of him calling to check on my story about my job, he finally took down the boards and let me out, but then I saw Tanya. She was standing in the doorway, and when she saw me, she looked at me with pure hatred. It took every ounce of self control I had to not rip her hair out, and I was losing that battle. Just when I was about to snap, I saw Anthony…and everything else disappeared.
I just stared at the kid who I didn't know and who didn't know me, and I saw my baby. The pictures didn't do him justice, actually seeing him there in the flesh was a surreal out of body moment that I would never trade for anything. It was just a moment that I didn't even know I needed, but in that moment, I could breathe again. It was like I had been holding my breath since the last time I saw him, and I cherished that moment like it was a sudden rush of air into my lungs.
But he walked past me without even giving me a second glance, and disappeared up the stairs, and then I found myself holding my breath again.
I practically ran out the door after that, and swore to myself that I would never go back again. Of course Edward followed me; he just couldn't seem to let me run from the fire. I was finally able to escape him by saying I'd wait while he got his car, and then I got out of that fucking town for good.
The next few weeks were surprisingly quiet. I shocked even myself for not feeling the need to turn to the drugs. Seeing Anthony alive and healthy, was actually beneficial and kept me sustained for awhile. I knew it was only a Band-Aid for the gaping wound that was still festering inside of me, but I would take any relief I could get at that point. I went to sleep every night with my son's face on my mind, and I woke in the morning feeling a small sense of hope. The world couldn't be completely shitty if it had Anthony in it.
But then another unexpected reunion…
Esme had told me that running could help ease some of the tension of my everyday life, so I often went to the local park to run off some steam when I was having a particularly bad day. I just so happened to have forgotten my water bottle when I left that day, so I decided to stop and get a drink at a vender, when someone tugged on my shirt from behind, so I turned to look to see who it was.
"Hey, aren't you my aunt Bella?"
I was absolutely stunned. Anthony was staring right at me and waiting for an answer, but I forgot how to speak.
"I saw your picture at my grandparent's house. You're her, right?" he asked me again.
I absently shook my head no; I wasn't his aunt Bella, so I wasn't lying.
"Yes you are. I remember the picture, you're her," he insisted.
I looked around and suddenly became worried realizing that he was alone in that park. It wasn't the worst park in the city, but it definitely wasn't one he should have been alone in. I started to panic, and I knew I couldn't leave him alone, so I sucked in my emotions and asked him where his mom was.
"Oh…she's not here, but my dad is over there. Come on, let's go talk to him, he'll prove that you're Bella," he said, but before I could argue, he grabbed my hand and pulled me towards the basketball courts. His hand in mine was the most amazing feeling I could imagine, we were skin to skin, just like the last time I was able to hold him. I never wanted him to let go, but I knew if I refused to drop his hand, it would probably scare him.
"Dad, isn't this Aunt Bella?" Anthony asked Edward when we reached him. I locked eyes with him, and I was surprised that I didn't feel the truck load of pain I was expecting. I still tried to come up with an excuse to leave, I didn't want to at all, but I had been running for so long, it was hard to figure out a way to take a break. When Edward taunted me with a game of Horse, I used it as an excuse to stay and actually take another breath.
That hour or so that I spent playing with them, had to be the best time of my life. I didn't know moments like that could ever exist for me, and after my time with them was over, I agreed to go to Anthony's hockey game. I knew the more time I spent with them the harder it would be to leave once and for all, but I just couldn't pass up on the chance to see my baby actually playing hockey.
I figured out when his game was, and then I anxiously awaited for that time to come. I swore to myself that it was a onetime thing, and after that night, I would be finished intruding on their lives. When the game was over however, I tried to leave before Anthony could see me there, because I knew I couldn't say no to him if he asked me to watch another game. But he did see me, and he didn't ask me to another game, he asked me to their apartment for dinner instead.
For whatever reason, their condo was much easier to be in then their house in Forks was. They hadn't been living there very long and there weren't pictures everywhere, but the best part of it was the fact that Tanya had hardly ever been there.
Anthony showed me his room and then we all finished cooking dinner together. I couldn't help but think about all the times I had cooked with my dad when I was a kid, and for the first time since I left home, I missed Charlie. He was the best dad when I was young, but after I got pregnant, he just didn't know how to handle it. I was always angry that he never stood up for me after Anthony was born, but I still missed what we had before all that.
"Hey, why'd you do that?" Anthony asked after I put raw egg on his face.
"I thought it would look good there," I said teasingly. My dad and I often ended our cooking with a food fight, and I couldn't pass up on the chance to do it with Anthony, but Anthony obviously didn't get it.
"That has raw egg in it," he said paranoid.
"Oh, you'll be fine," I said slightly upset by his paranoia. Tanya had really screwed with his head, and I'd be damned if I let her get away with it. Esme always told me the best way to get over a fear, was to face it head on, so I smeared two more smudges of egg onto each of his cheeks.
"I could die from that!" he yelled at me.
"You're right," I said apologetically. "We should be putting this on your dad instead," I said with a smile and rubbed the mess all into Edward's perfect hair. I wasn't exactly sure how he'd react, but I figured if Anthony saw his dad not get scared of the mess, he would get over it too.
"Oh, you're dead," Edward said with a smile, and then it was an all out war. Edward was never afraid to play and make a mess when we were kids, and I was happy to see that Tanya hadn't killed that part of him.
After everything was all cleaned up, Edward drove me home for the night, and then he met Jacob. I knew Edward well enough to tell when he didn't like someone, and it was clear he didn't like Jacob, so I said goodbye and quickly pulled Jake into our apartment.
"And so…that was the famous Edward Masen," Jacob said slowly when we got inside. "Cute…in a James Dean sort of way."
"Don't even say it," I said to him knowing he was going to disapprove.
"I didn't say anything," he said innocently. "Your son is adorable, he has your eyes."
"Really?" I asked surprised.
"Yeah, they're an exact match, I can't believe that leech hasn't noticed that," Jacob said coldly.
I knew Jacob didn't like Edward, he never liked him from the moment I first told him my story. He didn't place all the blame on him for what happened to me, but just the fact that he was dating my sister after what we meant to each other, just seemed to make Jacob see red. I actually agreed, but I could never bring myself to really hate him.
"Leech?" I asked surprised by his adjective of Edward.
"All that guy has ever done to you, is take and take. You saved his life when he was a kid, then you were the one to comfort him when his parents died, and what did he ever do to you? Hum, let's see, he fucked your sister, and ruined your life. Yeah, I'd call him a leech."
I smiled at Jake. Despite his negative attitude towards Edward, I knew he just had my best interests at heart. He was very protective of me, and I would forever be grateful for him. "I thought you weren't going to say anything?" I asked with raised eyebrows.
"Sorry…couldn't help it," he said sheepishly.
I smiled again and then kissed his cheek before going to bed….but that's when the depression set back in. I got a chance to not only see my son, but I talked to him and played with him. I heard his voice and saw him laugh and even get upset. It was everything I wished I could be there for him for, and yet, I couldn't continue to see him. He didn't belong to me anymore, and he never would again. If Tanya ever found out that I had been spending time with him, it could end very badly. She could make their lives a living hell, and even have Edward arrested for rape, and I couldn't let that happen. Anthony needed Edward, without him, Tanya would kill his entire soul.
I went from the ultimate high, to as low as I had ever been before, and once again, I turned to drugs to cope. But with the amount of pain I was in, the usual stuff just wasn't doing their job anymore, so over the next couple of weeks, I turned to harder more potent drugs…and once more, found myself in a hospital bed.
Fuck.
I rolled over, and was completely floored to see Edward sitting in a chair next to me. "How are you feeling?" he asked me.
"Like shit," I replied.
Esme came in at that point, but I didn't want to talk to her. I didn't try to kill myself, but I guess at that point, I really didn't care if I died. Edward followed Esme out for whatever reason, and I went back to sleep.
Since they couldn't prove that I tried to kill myself, I was released the next afternoon, but Edward was there waiting for me. He asked me to come stay with him, and even though I basically told him to fuck off, the more I thought about it, the more I decided it was a good idea.
"I'll give you this week to try to…save me, or whatever you feel is necessary, but you can't tell my parents or Tanya and you need to make sure Anthony doesn't either"…. "And I need you to let me go."
He didn't understand my conditions, I wasn't even sure if I understood them, but I needed him to agree otherwise I wouldn't be able to spend the week with him. Tanya couldn't know about it, I couldn't let her use it to separate Anthony from his father by having Edward arrested the way I knew she would. And I would take that week, live a lifetime's worth with Anthony and Edward, and then I would leave and never come back. I would bring those memories with me everywhere I went for the rest of my life. Maybe my life would really end afterwards, but I would be ok with that knowing I had my moment with them.
And my time with them was perfect. Not only did I get to spend the days playing the role of mom for once in my life, but I spent the nights wrapped up in Edward's arms. I didn't plan on sleeping with him, but as my lips found his in the darkness, I just didn't know how to stop. He was kissing me, touching me, and not once did he think I was Tanya.
"I..I don't have.." he paused to mumble, and that's when a different thought occurred to me.
"It's ok, I don't have any diseases and I take the pill," I said half truthfully. I had taken the pill in the past, but I knew with the medication given to me in the hospital, that it wouldn't be affective. The timing was even right, I could get pregnant again, it would be simple. I could get back what was taken from me, and no one could take it away again. I wanted it then, I needed it like I needed to breathe. I needed to feel Edward's baby inside of me again, to look into the eyes of our child and have him looking back at me knowing I was his mother. It was the only way I could survive beyond that week.
We made love, and it was everything I dreamed it would be. He wanted me, and when it was over, he wanted me again. We made love every night, and during the day, we'd kiss and touch whenever Anthony wasn't watching us. It was an oasis of heaven, right in the middle of the hell that was my life.
But then my perfect week ended. I wanted to stay and tell him everything, I wanted to fight for them, but I just didn't know how.
"Are you sure you still want to go?" Jacob asked me when I met him at our apartment to leave for Vegas.
"No," I said with a heavyhearted smile. "But…I can't stay either. They don't belong to me anymore. I was just borrowing them for a little while," I told him brokenly.
Jake smiled sympathetically, and then hugged me tightly. "Come on, time for me to become a star showgirl, and for you to be my lackey," he said jokingly.
I giggled despite my heartache and said, "Can't wait."
Jake and I got another apartment together, and he got a job dancing in the big time stage show 'It's a Drag'. It was one of those types of shows that serves dinner during the performance, so I got a job there as a waitress. It was monotonous work, but at least the queens there were fun and entertaining. On top of my waitressing job, I also worked at Caesars Palace at one of the gift shops.
And then, I started getting the morning sickness again. I knew right away that I was pregnant, and at first I was beyond happy, but then reality stepped in and bonked me in the head like a sledge hammer….or rather, extra large high heel pump.
"You have to go back and tell Edward," Jacob insisted.
"I can't. If Tanya finds out…"
"So what?" Jacob said taking me aback.
"She could have Edward arrested," I said slowly. "And she has custody of Anthony, so she would end up raising him alone."
"Baby, that bitch would never have Edward arrested," he said.
"Of course she would, that's the kind of person she is," I told him.
"I understand that, but that would mean she would have to admit that she took him from you. Edward doesn't know you're his mother, and that's the last thing Tanya wants. Imagine that sleepy little town all abuzz with gossip about 'Tanya the Baby Thief'. She would be completely blacklisted, and she knows it. She'll only have Edward arrested if you expose her, right? I know it's not the best thing in the world, but go back there, marry the guy as soon as the ink is dry on his divorce papers, and then raise your children together. You won't get to be Anthony's momma, but you can be his step mom, and see him whenever you want."
I couldn't believe how stupid I had been. Jacob never even met Tanya and he knew the way she worked. He was absolutely right, if Tanya had Edward arrested, it would only bring the truth out, and that was the last thing she wanted. Edward told me that he was divorcing her anyway, so why couldn't he move on with me.
Jacob let me borrow the car he had just bought, and I drove as fast as I could back to Washington. I made a couple resting stops along the way, but I got to Seattle within a couple days, and my heart was racing in anticipation of seeing them again….except they weren't there. So I went to Forks, and gathered all my courage to knock on the door of the house he shared with Tanya.
"You have a lot of nerve showing up here," Tanya said the moment she saw me.
"Hi sis, good to see you too," I said mockingly. I really didn't care about her in that moment, I was about to get my family back, and there was nothing she could do about it. I wasn't strong enough to stand against her when I was younger, but I was not going to let her bring me down again.
"Edward isn't here, and he's not coming back anytime soon," she said heartlessly.
"Ok, fine." I turned to leave thinking he was staying with one of his friends because of their divorce, but then she called after me.
"He reenlisted. Four more years of active duty; shipped out last week."
"What?" I felt like I was just stabbed in the gut. It was déjà vu, Edward was gone and I was pregnant with no way to hold onto Anthony. Without Edward, Tanya would never let me see him, and I just couldn't handle that. After being so excited and thinking I was finally going to be able to be in my son's life to stay, I just couldn't bear the thought of losing that again.
I drove aimlessly, not knowing where to go or what to do with myself, and then I saw him. Anthony was just standing there in the rain waiting for a bus. I didn't even think, I just acted.
"Hey Anthony," I said with a smile.
"Aunt Bella, you're back!" he said excitedly.
"Yeah, I came back to see if you wanted to come on vacation with me," I lied. I hated lying to him, but I hated the idea of Tanya raising him alone even more.
"I have to ask my mom first," he said unexpectedly.
"Oh…I already did, she said it was ok," I told him quickly.
"Really?" he asked skeptically. He was a smart kid, he knew Tanya wouldn't normally agree to something like that.
"Yeah, and she even gave me some money to buy you some new clothes while we're there," I told him.
"Cool," he said excitedly and jumped into the car, and away we went.
We dove all day and when we stopped in a hotel for the night, we jumped on the beds and played guessing games. I took him to see the Grand Canyon and the World's Largest Frying Pan, and then towards the end of the week, I drove back to Vegas. I was nervous about bringing him there because of all the police, but I was out of money so I needed help.
"Oh Bella," Jake said when I showed up at 'It's A Drag' with Anthony.
"I know this is bad, but I couldn't just leave him there with her," I said desperately after distracting Anthony with a large soft pretzel.
"So, what's the plan?" he asked supportively.
"I need you to watch him for a couple hours while I get some money."
"And how are you going to do that?" he asked suspiciously.
"I'm going to go whore it out on the corner," I said. Jacob gasped, but I just laughed. "Jake, I'm kidding."
"Ok, what then?" he asked.
"I have a pay check that's coming to me from Caesars. It's not much, but it should get us away from here so I can have time to think of my next move."
"Well, I have two thousand you can have," he said.
"No, Jake, I'm not going to take your money. We'll be fine, I'm not scared anymore and I'll figure it all out," I assured him.
"Ok sweetheart, I'll watch your boy for as long as you need."
"Thanks. I owe you everything," I said with a kiss to his cheek.
I went to pick up my check, but the manager wouldn't be back until the next evening, so I didn't have a choice but to wait. I went back to 'It's A Drag' and had to laugh at Anthony's reaction to the place.
"Bella, I don't know if you know this or not, but all these women…are really men," he said quietly. Everyone was getting ready for the evening show, so people were all moving about and Anthony had just been watching wide eyed at the entire thing.
"I know Buddy," I said lightly. "But they're all very nice."
"So…is Jacob really a guy dressed as a girl, or was he a girl dressed as a guy when I met him before?" Anthony asked hesitantly.
I had no idea how to explain drag queens to a ten year old, but I gave it my best shot. "Jacob is a man who likes to perform as a woman," I told him unsure of what else to say. Anthony thought about it, but then he shrugged it off; I guess it just didn't really matter to him. They were shorthanded that night, so I offered to work since I needed the money. Anthony just hung out back stage and watched all the comings and goings around him. I felt bad for keeping him there like that, but it was something I just had to do. He stayed quiet for the most part, but after awhile he lightened up and even began talking to people other than me.
"How do you walk in those?" Anthony asked Jake while looking at his pumps.
"With class, honey," Jacob said with a wink as he waited for his turn on stage.
"Kids really shouldn't be here," another of the waitress said bitterly while she brought drinks to the dancers. I didn't know her very well, but she always seemed pretty bitchy.
"Well Rosalie, I don't really have a choice right now," I told her with attitude
"Why not? And why the hell isn't he in school?" she questioned. "What kind of person drags a kid his age to a place like this?"
"The kind with no other options," I insisted and then walked away from her.
I went about my work, and checked on Anthony every fifteen minutes or so. It wasn't that I was worried about him; I just kept looking at him in complete awe. I had already spent a few days with him, but I just couldn't get over the fact that he was really there with me. I had my son back, and I would do anything possible to hang on to him.
One of the queens gave Anthony a handheld electronic game to play, so he was pretty engrossed in it. He ate chili fries for the first time, and excitedly drank the virgin blended margarita I had the bar tender make up for him. I knew I couldn't always give him junk food, but it was a treat and I wanted him to have fun.
Since I was still waiting for my check, I asked to work the matinee show the next day, which Anthony actually seemed excited about. I knew it was nothing like he had ever seen before, and the controlled chaos of it all was very interesting.
"Bella, how long is this vacation going to be for?" Anthony asked me during one of my breaks on the second day.
"Are you getting homesick?" I asked with a forced smile.
"No…but I wish my dad was here with us," he said softly.
"Me too," I said honestly.
"Hey Bella," Rose said to me from behind. "I need to talk to you for a minute."
"Yeah?" I asked her curiously after following her into the next room.
"Look, last night…my roommate Irina and I were watching the news, and…we saw Anthony," she said hesitantly. "Look I don't know your situation with him…if it's a custody thing or whatnot, but I just wanted to warn you that Irina left to go tell them where you are."
"Are you kidding?" I asked in a panic. "So, there are probably cops on their way here now?"
"Here, take this," she said and pulled out a wad of cash.
"No, I can't take that," I said, confused as to why she was helping me.
"I know what it's like to have a child taken away, and I don't think any mother should experience that," she said quietly.
"How do you know I'm not the one who did the taking?" I asked her curiously.
"Well, one, he looks like you…and two, I can see how much you love him. I'm sorry if I was acting like a bitch before, I was just trying to figure you out…and I'm pretty sure that I have."
"Thanks Rose, but I still can't take your money," I said to her.
"Yes, you can. You can't wait for your check and you need it. Please. I couldn't take care of my daughter, so just let me do this for you," she said sincerely.
"Thank you. As soon as we get to wherever we're going, I'll pay you back," I said and then tentatively gave her a hug.
"Don't worry about it, just go," she said quickly.
I nodded and then went back to get Anthony.
"Hey, it's time to get back on the road," I told him with a reassuring smile so I wouldn't worry him.
"Ok…where are we going next?" he asked.
"Uh….how about Florida?" I thought on a whim.
"Really? Can we go to Disneyworld?" he asked excitedly.
"Heck yeah. And Universal Studios, too," I said as enthusiastic as possible while we walked to the parking garage. Jake told me to use his car until it was safe, and then he'd fly out to us and drive his car back. I had really gotten lucky. Without his help, and Rose's for that matter, I never would have made it.
"Bella, when we get to Florida, can I call my dad? I haven't ever been this long without talking to him before," Anthony asked.
"Uh…well, I don't know the number to wherever he's based," I said regretfully. I was having a hard time finding Jake's car, but our conversation was making it even more difficult.
"Based? My dad said he was going to stay with Emmett when he moves back to Forks. He was away on a business trip, but he should be back by now," he said, making me stop in my tracks.
"Anthony, your mom said he was in the military," I said slowly, hoping he just forgot.
He scrunched his face up confused. "No, he hated being in the military. Besides, he said it was just too hard being away from me like that, so he would never go back."
I closed my eyes in horror as I slowly realized what I really did. Tanya lied. Of course Tanya lied, how could I have expected anything different than that? I didn't take him from her; she probably didn't even care, in fact, she was probably happy to get people's sympathy. I took Anthony from Edward, and I absolutely hated myself for it.
"We have to go now," I told him quietly, and frantically started looking for the car again.
As much as I hated what Edward must have been going through, I still couldn't bring myself to give Anthony back. I waited too long, and worked too hard to get him. So I decided to just call Edward and tell him that Anthony was ok….but that's when I saw the police cars entering the garage.
I grabbed Anthony's arm and took him quickly back inside, but there were police coming in through the showroom as well.
"Bella, go out the back," Rose said to me in a rush. It was the last exit left, and it led to a back alley.
"Thanks," I said and tried to go out that way…but it was actually blocked, and I knew there was nowhere to run.
"Bella, why are there so many police everywhere?" Anthony asked worriedly.
"Everything is fine," I assured him as calmly as possible so he wouldn't be scared. "Let's go back inside," I whispered to him.
"What's going on?" he asked me again. He wasn't a baby; he knew something was very wrong.
"I need you to just sit here, and when the police ask you to go with them, just don't be afraid. Ok?" I told him quickly. He looked confused but nodded, so I kissed his hair and whispered 'I love you', before backing towards the door to the parking garage again. Rose was in the room and she understood what was happening, so she nodded to me so I knew she wouldn't leave him until the police took him away. The place was surrounded, so I knew there was no way out and I just didn't want Anthony to see me get arrested.
It all happened so fast. One minute we were talking about going to Florida, and the next I was being taken into custody.
I was finally defeated once and for all, and I knew there was no getting out of it. I kidnapped a child and took him across state lines, and if Tanya had any say in it, I wouldn't get out of jail until I turned eighty. The only hope I had left was that Edward didn't get swallowed by more of my sister's lies, and he ended their marriage permanently. Anthony would always have to spend time with her, but I prayed that once our second child was born, it wouldn't be subjected to a life with Tanya as well. I would never get a chance to be a mother to either of my kids; I just didn't want Tanya to be either.
A/N: I know there is a statute of limitations for rape cases, and ten years is beyond that, but remember that Bella is a HS dropout and she doesn't know the law.
If you want to check out a pic of Jaclyn/Jacob, check my profile and click on: She Will Be Loved – Vegas
*Back to the present, next.
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