Author's note - This chapter took a life of its own and has ended up longer than I expected. I hope it keeps your interest till the end.
I want to thank all those who read my story and especially those who left reviews. I know this was a sensitive subject to write about and I hope I did not offend or upset anybody. Many thanks to May for beta reading these last few chapters and for her insightful input. All mistakes are my own, however. Enjoy!
In My Time of Dying
Epilogue
Adam walked through the north pasture behind the barn, along the tree line. He wanted to be alone for awhile to process his thoughts.
The nightmares had resumed, but his time they weren't of Daniel in the catatonic state; they were of him plunging over the side of Table Mountain. Adam had had one every night since the incident. Maybe he deserved it, though, for all the guilt he'd unknowingly heaped on his brother. Maybe this was his penance. He wondered how long the nightmares would last. Not that he really cared about that right now, he would take a nightmare every night over the horror of what almost happened. He still trembled when he thought of Daniel up there on that ledge.
His thoughts took him back to that night. Once he and his brothers had talked Daniel into moving away from the edge, and the crisis was over, they had all just collasped in a huddle and held Daniel while he sobbed. Adam had thought Daniel's breakdown would never end. But when he finally did calm down, the stress had taken its toll. Daniel was so weak, he could hardly walk and had to be helped over to the horses. Adam couldn't bear to let go of him, so Daniel rode double on Adam's horse, leaning back against his big brother's chest.
During the ride home, Daniel's body had finally given up and he'd passed out . Adam's arms stayed around him, holding him up and protecting him.
When they had arrived home, they couldn't wake him, so they had rushed him to the hospital. It was exhaustion, the doctor had said. He hadn't been eating or sleeping properly and then with all the emotional stress on top of it, Daniel had just shut down. Not in a catatonic state, though, for which Adam was eternally grateful. They next few days had been all about getting him stabilized, both physically and emotionally. Counseling was started and Daniel opened up to his therapist in ways he hadn't to his family. Adam had been glad he had talked to someone, but wished it could have been him. They had given him some medication, too, to help him cope with the overwhelming grief.
After a few days recovering in the hospital, his doctors determined that he was stable enough to go home again. Though his counseling sessions would continue, the psychiatrist felt confident that the threat of him harming himself had passed. The entire family finally had breathed a sigh of relief at that news.
Adam was so glad to have him back, although it scared him a little. At least in the hospital, there were trained professionals watching over Daniel. Here it was just him and the family and they hadn't done such a bang up job the first time around, had they?
Adam reminded himself that the counselors had taught them ways to help Daniel and how to spot the signs that he was slipping back into depression and panic attacks again. That was what they had finally diagnosed him with. That and some condition called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. They had named it a few years back after the vets had come home from Vietnam. The doctors had told Adam that anyone that experiences a traumatic event can have it afterwards. There was some evidence that it was even more likely to happen if the person had sustained something catastrophic in their childhood, too. Well, that was certainly Daniel. It didn't get a whole lot more tragic than losing both your parents at age eight. It all made sense why he was so susceptible to the Traumatic Stress thing. It was good to know what was going on with Daniel, but it made Adam worried at the same time.
Adam sat down on the top of the rail fence, feeling tired right down to his bones. It was the lack of sleep, he knew, but also the deep, dark guilty feeling of knowing his part in the whole thing. He knew he'd made the situation worse with what Daniel had overheard him say back in the hospital. He'd apologized several times, and each time Daniel had been gracious enough to deny that it was Adam's fault. Adam knew better. He knew where the blame lay.
But what he didn't know, was how to deal with it. And how to go on from here.
7b47b
Daniel stepped out of the counselor's office and squinted in the bright sun. Where were Crane and the truck? His older brothers had been taking turns driving him to his sessions. At first, he'd been too wrung out to drive, and no one, even Daniel, had trusted him behind the wheel. Now, he was capable of driving himself to the appointments, but nobody had proposed a change to the arrangements. Daniel didn't mind. It felt good to have one of his brothers with him afterwards.
He raised a hand to shade his eyes. There! The beat up old, white pickup careened around a corner as Crane sped into the parking lot and up to Daniel.
"Man, Crane. Trying out for the Indy 500 or something?" Daniel smirked through the open window. "You know I'll be fine by myself if you're late. I'm not five."
"Just get in, smarty." Crane threw him a half grin.
Daniel wrenched the door open, hearing a loud squeak. "Needs some oil." He commented, as he climbed in.
"Add it to the 'to-do' list."
"I'll get it done." Daniel offered. Crane smiled at him.
"I'll bet you will."
Daniel knew he had been putting in long hours around the ranch, but his counselor said that was good. The exercise was great for releasing stress, as long as he ate and slept, too. Hannah and his brothers had all been watching to make sure that was happening. After work, he'd been playing the guitar with a vengeance, finding it was the best way to wind down and relax. Just the thought of sitting down and strumming a tune brought him peace, and he looked forward to it all day. He'd been playing all kinds of music; rock and country, even classical…all except one particular song. That one he wasn't ready to play again and maybe never would be. He'd even started writing music again and couldn't wait to work on his newest song. He had the lyrics floating around in his head, just waiting to be written down.
Crane yanked him back to the present. "How did it go today?" He asked, as he pulled the truck out onto the road.
Daniel could tell he was trying to sound nonchalant, but Daniel knew better. Crane was worried; he always was. Sometimes he told Crane what went on in his sessions, knowing it eased his mind somewhat. Today had been a tough session, but a good one, one he wanted to share with Crane.
"He showed me pictures of Ellie today."
"What!" The shock was evident in Crane's voice and he nearly drove off the road.
Daniel hastened to explain, placing a restraining hand on his brother's arm. "No, no it was good, Crane. It really was." He added seeing the doubt on Crane face. "He called it exposure therapy. It's meant to help me face what gets to me, in a safe way." He paused, dropping his hand back into his lap. It was still hard to talk about her and the session had been grueling. But now that it was done, he felt a release, a calm feeling encompassing him. Maybe after these next few rounds of meetings, he'd be able to think about her without the anxiety. He looked forward to that. The panic attacks had largely stopped, thanks to the meds they had him on, but he hadn't wanted to press his luck by trying to look at pictures or anything. When David, his counselor, pulled out the school photo of Ellie, Daniel's heart had begun racing, and he'd looked away, but through David's coaxing and soft words, he was able to look at her briefly. It was a relief to be able to control the feeling so that they did not escalate into a feeling-like-you-are-dying sensation.
"Did it help?" Crane's words brought him back to the moment. Daniel glanced over at him and saw the anxiety on his face. He wanted to reassure him, but he also wanted to be honest. No more lying. That was his new motto. Daniel knew he needed his family's help to get through this. He'd promised them that he would tell them the truth about how he felt from now on.
"I think so. Or I think it will. I didn't have a full blown attack, so that's good."
Crane reached over and squeezed his brother's neck. "That's real good to hear, Daniel, real good." A relived smile spread over Crane's face. They talked some more about what went on in the session. Crane never pushed Daniel into sharing, but was always there for him when Daniel wanted to. How could I have forgotten that? Back when I was so messed up and thinking of hurting myself- why didn't I remember that Crane would have been there for me if I'd just given him a chance? Daniel chalked it up to his messed up state of mind at the time. All I would have needed to do was reach out to Crane, or any of them, he thought. They would have done anything for me.
That reminded him that he had some reconciling to do with certain other members of the family. Even though they had all talked about what happened, Daniel knew some of his brothers were still reeling from the incident on the cliff. He could tell from their behavior that some of them were having trouble dealing with it all. That was his job to fix. He needed to make some amends to his family… and someone else.
7b47b
Brian angrily tossed a hay bale into the loft with more force than required. It was a good way to work out his frustrations. He'd always gotten physical when he was mad, hence all the fights he'd been in. But he couldn't fight Daniel and that's who he was mad at now.
What's wrong with me, anyhow? How could I be mad at the kid after what he's been through? We came so close to losing him.
He manhandled another bale onto the pile. This was the only way he could think of to get out these feelings. He sure as hell couldn't slug Daniel.
Daniel. He was doing better these days. He saw a counselor regularly now. Brian supposed whatever they talked about must be making his brother feel better, because he seemed more like himself. Heck, last night they'd even had a family jam session. Brian had played his harmonica and for awhile there it felt normal.
But this morning when he had gotten up, he'd been flooded with the memory of Daniel that day on the cliff. Brian had needed to sit back down on the bed, the memory making him unsteady. He had taken several deep breaths before he even tried to get up again. That had been when the anger resurfaced. It was wrong and irrational Brian knew, and Daniel didn't deserve it, but he couldn't help it.
So here he was, unleashing his feelings on the poor innocent hay bales.
"What did those bales ever do to you?" A voice broke through Brian's thoughts. He turned to look. Daniel. The last person he wanted to see.
"Hey." He threw another one on the pile, barely acknowledging Daniel.
From the corner of his eye, Brian could see Daniel shifting uneasily from foot to foot. The kid looked uncomfortable, like something was on his mind. Brian waited. He kind of hoped Daniel would just go away. He wasn't sure he could disguise his feelings.
"You're angry with me." It was a statement, not a question.
Brian shook his head, denying it by pure reflex. "Nah, just working."
But the kid wouldn't let it go, "Yeah you are. C'mon, Bri, I can tell you are. Would you talk to me?"
Meeting Daniel's gaze, Brian threw down the bale he was holding to wipe his brow and pulled off his Stetson. He looked away, exasperated. There was no way he was getting out of this conversation. Might as well spill the beans. He slapped his hat back on.
Hands on his hips, he met Daniel's eyes again. "Okay Dan'l. Truth is, I am mad at you." He saw Daniel's shoulders sag a little, but now that he'd started, there was no going back.
"When I think of you, on that ledge, ready to …well, I get so furious with you, man. " Brian turned away, unable to bear the look in Daniel's eyes. "I mean, do you have any idea what losing you would have done to us? To me?" He turned back and crossed the distance between them in two quick strides. Grabbing Daniel by the upper arms, he gave him a shake. "How could you do that to me? How could you even think about doing that? I can't lose you, Dan'l. We can't! Don't you know that? We need you, brother." His eyes clouded over with tears, and he saw acceptance sink into Daniel as he understood.
"Brian, I do know that now." Tears fell down Daniel's cheeks, "I'm so sorry."
At the sight of Daniel's tears, something broke inside Brian, the anger dissipating instantly. He grabbed his brother in a bone crushing hug. Daniel's arms came up as well and wrapped around Brian. "Don't ever give up, Dan'l. Just don't. I'll help you through it, we all will. Just don't...give... up!" He choked out.
"I won't Brian. I promise you."
Brian squeezed harder. "I'll hold you to that, kid. I love you, you know that?"
"Yeah. I love you too, brother."
The hug ended and the brothers broke apart, but Brian was comforted by the connection that they had made.
7b47b
"Guthrie, why don't you go see if Daniel needs help with that engine?" Hannah suggested.
"Why would he need my help?" Guthrie eyed her suspiciously.
"Well, I just thought he might need an extra hand. Besides he can teach you about engines, then." And he won't be alone either, she thought. Ever since Daniel's stay at the hospital, the family had tried to have someone with him or near him at all times. In the last few days his brothers had started easing off, but Hannah remained wary. She knew it would be a long time until she felt comfortable with the idea.
She pulled a blueberry pie from the oven. Daniel's favorite. He'd gotten so skinny that Hannah was determined to get him to eat regularly again. It was her mission and she was determined to succeed.
She placed the hot dish on a trivet on the counter.
"That blueberry?"
"Yup."
"Daniel's favorite." Guthrie observed with a smirk. Hannah eyed him critically. The kid was far more intuitive than the family gave him credit for. "He'll love it, Hannah. He's been eating everything you've been making for him. You're doing a good job." He nodded his approval.
Hannah smiled back. How she loved this kid. She ruffled his hair.
"Thanks, Guthrie. Now will you go see if Daniel needs help?"
"Sure." He flashed her one more knowing grin and left the room.
She was glad Guthrie didn't know the whole truth. The day it had happened, she and Ford had talked it over and decide to just tell Guthrie that Daniel had run off again. Afterwards they explained that Daniel had been feeling so sad that he hadn't been taking care of himself and had run himself down till he was exhausted. Guthrie had accepted it without question. Maybe someday he'd find out the whole story, but for now there seemed to be no reason to scare him. It had been hard enough on Ford. He'd been so terrified, while they waited for the brothers to come home with Daniel, that he'd paced the living room the entire time. Hannah hadn't known what to tell him, so she had just kept patting Ford's shoulder or squeezing his arm and trying to offer whatever comfort she could. They'd both uttered quite a few prayers that night.
The phone rang, breaking the quiet. Hannah hurried to answer it.
"Hi Hannah. It's Charlie."
"Oh, hello, Charlie," She warmly greeted Adam's old friend and the town's sheriff. "How are you?"
"Oh fine, fine. How is Daniel doing?"
"He's better each day, Charlie."
"That's wonderful to hear. The reason I called, Hannah, is that I have some more good news for you all."
"Oh, what's that?"
"There won't be any charges filed against Daniel. The DA agreed there was really nothing they could charge him with. It wasn't willful negligence; he was just trying to swerve to miss the girl that fell."
"Really, Charlie? That's more than good news, that's fantastic!"
"I knew you'd think so. Well, say hi to everyone for me, will you? And ask Adam if he wants to go fishing with me next Saturday, will you?"
Hannah smiled at the thoughtful suggestion. Charlie had always been a good friend to her husband. Adam had been so wrapped up in Daniel lately, that getting away, for a time, would be good for him. "I think that would be a great idea, Charlie. He could use a break. I'll be sure to ask him."
"Okay, thanks Hannah. See you soon."
"Bye Charlie." Hannah hung up, elated. She couldn't wait to tell the others.
7b47b
Ford was in his room again, nose buried in a textbook. He'd been hiding up here a lot lately avoiding well, everyone, he supposed, but especially Daniel. He never thought he'd be in this position, having these feelings of not wanting to be around his own brother. Truth was he didn't have any idea what to say to him or how to treat him. What if he said the wrong thing? What if he said something that upset Daniel again? He couldn't take that chance, and so he was hiding. How long this would work, he didn't know. Sooner or later someone would figure out what he was doing and he didn't know what he'd say when that happened. His bet was on Evan. Being his roomie, he could sense things about Ford before the rest of the family. Actually he was surprised Evan hadn't noticed yet, but everyone was so involved in Daniel. And that was fine by Ford.
He was so involved in his book that he didn't hear the footsteps coming up the stairs or down the hall until his door opened. Ford whipped his head around to see…Daniel.
"Oh, um, hi." Ford mumbled.
Daniel sat down on the edge of the desk, saying nothing, just watching and waiting for Ford to make the first move. Ford tried keeping his head down, pretending to focus on his homework.
"You can't ignore me forever, Ford." Daniel's voice sounded tired, but upbeat. Ford looked up at his brother and studied him for a minute before answering. Daniel was looking better these days. Thanks to Hannah's cooking, he was a healthier weight than before, still skinny, but not looking so gaunt anymore. His color was better too and Ford almost felt like he was looking at the old Daniel again. His brother's eyes were a giveaway, however, as the sadness still shone through.
"I'm not ignoring you." Ford managed.
Daniel sighed, "You are, Ford. And I really can't take it anymore. Now talk."
"Well…I …." Ford dropped his gaze. "I just don't –never mind." He got up and paced the room, not able to meet Daniel's look. Daniel jumped off the desk and blocked him.
"You're avoiding me."
"That's because I don't know what to say!" He whipped around to face Daniel, arms outstretched. "I don't want to say something that… will…well, make things worse again." Ford ran a hand distractedly through his hair. His insides twisted up in dread; there, he'd said it, revealing his deepest fear.
"Ford." Daniel said, but then fell silent. Ford's head came up and met Daniel's eyes. He could read the sympathy and guilt on his Daniel's face. "I'm sorry. I am so sorry that I ever…" his voice drifted off and he turned away from his brother. After a moment, he continued, "I…I can't explain why I did it, Ford, I was real messed up. All I can say is I am really sorry."
"I know, Daniel." Ford turned around to face him and saw the tears running down Daniel's face. He felt guilty for troubling his brother. "I'm the one who should be sorry. I wasn't there for you. You shouldn't have to come to me. I should be looking out for you. I want to be there for you, Daniel. I just don't always know how." His face pleaded with his brother to understand.
Daniel reached up and Ford found himself pulled into a crushing hug. "Ford! I will never do anything like that again. I promise you. Please, don't avoid me. I...I just want things to be like they used to be. I…I don't want you to look at me like you hate me or are hiding from me. Just…just please talk to me again, okay?"
"Daniel, I will, I will. I'll do anything to help you feel better."
"Just be my brother. Just be you, Ford. That's all I need."
Ford squeezed him harder and nodded against his shoulder. "No more hiding, Daniel. I promise." Tears rolled down both their faces. "I don't hate you, Daniel. I never could."
At that moment, Ford knew they would be alright, eventually, though it was a long, hard road ahead. But Ford was determined to be there for Daniel.
7b47b
Evan shifted the pile of schoolbooks from one arm to another. It was a heavy load since he was carrying both his and Daniel's books from the bus stop. He'd been taking Daniel's work home for him to do. Adam had thought it would be best for Daniel to study from home for awhile and once he explained the situation to the principal, he'd readily agreed.
So here he was, lugging this pile of stuff up the driveway. The least Ford could have done was wait and help me carry some of this. He shook his head and rolled his eyes as he watched Ford run off up the path to the house, oblivious to Evan's struggles. He knew the kid had been struggling with what had almost happened to Daniel. Evan knew he'd have to confront Ford about it soon.
He shifted the books again, trying to keep from dropping them. I don't really mind dragging this stuff home, he thought, anything to help Daniel. He was relieved, actually, that Daniel wouldn't have to face the kids at school anymore. It was easier on Evan and Ford not to have to watch over Daniel anymore. Not that he really cared; it had kind of felt like being a superhero or something. But it was easier this way.
Now that Daniel was out of sight and out of mind, the gossip at school had settled somewhat. None of the kids at school knew about the episode on the mountain, and the family wanted to keep it that way. Daniel needed their protection.
There was also a new rumor circulating that had taken the place of Daniel and Ellie's saga.
It was being said that Tim Mullins, who had punched Daniel at school and provoked Ford into the fight, had been shacking up with some unknown girl and gotten her pregnant. The scandal rocked the school. Tim was popular and handsome and the gossip circles were all atwitter at the story. Daniel had been largely forgotten. Thank God for the fickle tastes of the school rumormongers; the newest story was always the best one to know. It was all people were talking about. Evan smiled as he thought of his part in the circulation of the story. A few well placed comments to the right people had gotten the fake tale the momentum it needed.
Revenge was sweet indeed.
7b47b
Daniel stood in the driveway, frozen, staring at the house. It looked the same, but different somehow. More imposing. He hugged his arms around himself, as though chilled, but the chill wasn't from the air, but from within him. He didn't know if he could do this. Daniel wished Crane were here, he'd have come if Daniel had asked, but he hadn't thought about that before he left. He'd had a flash of bravery back at the ranch, and had seized the moment, driving over here without telling anyone, just leaving a note. Now he stood here, unsure if he could really go through with it.
Ellie's house.
Evelyn, Ellie's mom, was the one he'd come to see. He wanted to talk to her, but exactly what to say seemed to escape him just now. So here he stood, shivering and debating with himself. Should he just get back in the truck and head home? Or should he walk up to the door and knock, even if he didn't know what to say?
In the end the decision was taken away from him when Evelyn opened the door and stepped out on the threshold. The wild look of anger and shock that she'd had the last time he saw her, at the funeral, was gone. She looked calmer, more together, but still haunted. Daniel recognized the look of torment from the image he saw every time he looked into the mirror.
She stood there a moment, studying him as he studied her, hugging herself in an unconscious mirror image of Daniel's stance.
"Well, you might as well come in. Or do you plan to stare at my front door all day?" She called, not unkindly. She stepped back to allow him to enter.
Daniel hesitated, but eventually followed her in.
She led him to the living room and motioned for him to sit down on the couch. Daniel perched on the very edge, tense and uneasy.
His eyes fell on a picture hanging on the wall near the stairs. It was Ellie. Seeing her like that, happy, carefree, beautiful; it was almost more than he could handle and it caused his heart to pound. He tore his eyes away. Memories flooded over him of the two of them in this very room together.
"Why are you here, Daniel?" She sighed, rubbing her hand over her arm.
Daniel's mind was thrown back into the present and he squirmed in his seat. "I… just… I, um, came by to say, well," Daniel sputtered. He took a deep breath. He was here now and there was no going back. He just needed to speak what was on his mind. He tried again, "I just wanted to come over here and tell you…tell you I'm sorry." His voice fell on that last part until Evelyn could hardly hear him. "I never meant for this to happen. I never thought it would be anything but a race. It's become so much more…" His voice faltered as the tears threatened to fall; he blinked rapidly to keep them back. His face was a picture of misery as he dropped his head into his hands.
"Daniel." Evelyn's voice broke through to him. It was gentle, kind, like he remembered her being before the accident, not like it had been after. It broke through his grief and he lifted his head to look at her. Her face was lined from grief, and her eyes filled with a wetness that threatened to spill over. But she looked calmer, at peace somehow. "I know you are sorry. I'm sorry, too…for how I treated you after the crash." Daniel saw the tears begin to flow down Evelyn's face. "It was unfair of me to…to blame you. All I can say is that I was crazy with grief. I needed someone to blame and that was you." She stood and began pacing the room, wiping away the tears with the back of her hand. "I knew how stubborn and headstrong Ellie was. No one could have forced her to get in that car if she didn't want to."
"But what made you change your mind? You were so mad at me before, I never thought…" Daniel gulped down his own tears before he could continue," I never thought you would…"
"Forgive you?"
Daniel nodded meekly.
"Well, I didn't either, to be honest." She took a deep, steadying breath, the tears ceasing, but Daniel could see they were ready to start again at a moments' notice. "But time has a way of giving us perspective, Daniel. That and your friend Marc."
"Marc?"
"Yes." Evelyn sat down again, "He came over a week or so after the funeral and insisted on seeing me. He told me the whole story, Daniel. How he and Ellie convinced you to let her go along, how you tried to talk her out of it, how insistent they both were. He told me you swerved to avoid hitting that other girl, the one who fell." She paused for a moment as if to gather her thoughts before she went on. "I am sorry that it took me so long to get over blaming you. It took me some time, you see, to process the idea that it wasn't your fault after all. I…I needed someone to accuse in all this." Her breath shuddered, but what she said next was clear and steady. "Daniel, please hear me. It wasn't your fault. I see that now. It was a terrible, terrible accident."
Daniel, sat, unmoving, with tears streaming down his face. He wasn't sure he deserved Evelyn's compassion and understanding. He could hardly wrap his brain around the idea that she didn't hate or blame him anymore.
"Oh Daniel." Evelyn, her own tears creating tracks down her cheeks, came to sit beside him and without asking; she pulled him over to her and wrapped him in a hug. She held him like his mother used to, like Hannah did, making him feel like a little boy again. "Daniel you are going to be a fine man. It took a lot for you to come over here and talk to me, not knowing if I were still angry at you. I should not have blamed you."
With Evelyn's forgiveness, Daniel's uncertainty vanished. Their tears mingling, they held each other, united in the grief of losing someone they both loved.
7b47b
Guthrie waltzed into the living room, excited by what he was going to do. He had a surprise for Daniel.
Daniel had come home from a mysterious errand earlier today and had spent a long time talking to Crane up in their room afterward. Of course, no one would tell Guthrie what it was all about. But, frustrating as it was, he was used to that. It came with the territory, being the youngest. What he did know though, was that Daniel had been crying again. He cried so much since Ellie died that it made Guthrie want to do something nice for him to cheer him up. And he knew just the thing.
He picked up the guitar Daniel had given him. He strummed his fingers over the strings mindlessly. This was a special guitar to Daniel; it was the one their mother had taught him to play on. Guthrie loved it almost as much as Daniel. He had felt so special when Daniel had chosen to give it to him. Out of all their brothers, Daniel had picked him. Guthrie had taken very good care of it since then; he knew Daniel would be proud of that. But now there was something he had to do.
He picked up the instrument and carried it upstairs. Pausing at Daniel and Crane's door, he leaned in to listen, pressing his ear to the door. Scowling, he realized he couldn't hear anything. Drat. He was hoping for some hint of what they were talking about. Resigned to not knowing, he raised his hand to knock.
It took a moment before Crane's sandy head peered out of the door. "Not now, Guthrie. Daniel's kind of upset."
"I know. But I have something to cheer him up. Let me in." He gave Crane a pleading look and begged, " Pleeeease."
Crane was about to refuse, but Daniel's voice could be heard in the background. "Let him in, Crane."
Guthrie threw Crane a smug grin as he pushed his way past. Daniel sat on the bed, hastily drying his eyes and plastering a fake smile on for Guthrie's sake. Guthrie paused, wishing Daniel wouldn't feel the need to put on a show for him. He was twelve, for pity's sake, more than old enough to deal with it. Remembering why he was there, he hefted the case and crossed the room to stand before his brother.
"Daniel, I know you're feeling upset and sad. I have something for you. I hope this will make you feel better. " He held out the guitar like an offering. "I don't think you really meant to give me this. You love it too much. I want you to have it back."
Daniel's eyes widened, he looked shocked, "Guthrie…" was all he could manage, as he choked up. "No, Guth. I gave it to you. It's yours." He shook his head, refusing to take the instrument. Guthrie was aware of Crane standing behind him. He looked back at Crane and saw the warmth in Crane's teary eyes and pinched lips. He could tell Crane approved.
Determination renewed, he turned back to Daniel. "It's yours, Daniel. I want you to have it." Straightening his stance, he thrust the guitar towards him, refusing to back down. A strange look passed over Daniel's face and Guthrie knew that he finally understood how important this was to Guthrie. Daniel stopped shaking his head and stared at his brother. Guthrie gave the guitar a little shake and implored Daniel, with his eyes, to take it.
Daniel reached out and accepted the precious gift. "Thank you, Guthrie. This really means a lot to me, little brother. You're one awesome kid." That was all he seemed to be able to say as he shifted the guitar over to one leg and pulled Guthrie in for a hug with the other hand.
Guthrie buried his face in Daniel's shoulder and felt his heart soar with the feeling of doing something good. A heavy hand came to rest on Guthrie's head and he turned to see Crane standing behind him, smiling through his tears. He grinned back up at him before throwing himself on Daniel again.
7b47b
There was one more person Daniel needed to work things out with on this personal quest of his. Adam. He knew his brother was wracked with guilt, rightly so or not. He also knew Adam couldn't go on like this. Daniel needed things to go back to the way they used to be between them, or if they couldn't, then they needed a way to learn to trust each other again and move on.
So after dinner, he made a point to seek Adam out when he knew he'd be alone. Striding up now, behind his brother, he felt a strong resolve to make things right between them. How, he wasn't sure, but it needed done.
Adam turned at the sound of Daniel approaching. He stood, holding onto the fence with one hand and gripping his hat with the other, watching Daniel come near him.
"Hey brother."
"Hey yourself. What are you doing out here?" Adam questioned.
Daniel walked up to Adam and rested his arms on the rail fence alongside Adam's. "Something's wrong here. We need to talk, Adam."
It must have been something in Daniel's voice brought a look of fear to Adam's face. "Are you okay?" The panic was evident in Adam's voice as he whipped his head around. Daniel knew Adam was scanning him for any obvious problems. Daniel knew then that he'd done the right thing in pushing this confrontation.
"I'm okay, Adam. Really, I am. But you're not." He watched as Adam's expression went from panic, to relief, to resignation. He watched as his brother's chin fell to his chest. "You aren't acting like yourself. You look plumb exhausted, too, so I bet you ain't sleeping. We've got to talk this out."
"I don't know what to say, Daniel." Adam spoke with his eyes downcast. "Just that I am so darn sorry for what I said. I spoke out of the heat of the moment and I'll always regret it. I almost…almost lost you…because of what I-"
Daniel broke in then, "No Adam! That's not true. I didn't plan on jumping because of what you said. You didn't make the nightmares, the panic, the fear, the visions happen. They just did. It's not your fault. It's all mine. I couldn't deal with it anymore. It was all just too much…I should have let you in…should have told you what was going on. But I didn't. I made that choice Adam, it was all mine to make."
His voice took on a strained sound as he fought to get through what he needed to say. "We are family, and we only have each other. I shouldn't have forgotten that. I needed you then and you would have been there for me if I had asked." Daniel implored, "Adam this time I'm telling you, I need you. I need your help. I need you to be there for me, I want you to be. I don't want you to…to hide yourself away. I don't want you to be afraid of me. I promise you, I will never do try to do something like that again. I realize now what it would do to all of you and I can't stand that." Tears broke loose from Daniel's eyes and coursed down his cheeks. Adam still stared at his hat, slowly being twisted out of shape in his hands, seemingly not able to look up at him. His eyes were shiny and wet.
Daniel continued, determined to get his message across. "And Adam, you need me, too. I know you feel guilty and scared and whatever else. But you aren't superman, ya know. It's okay to make a mistake. You need me. I want to be there for you..." his words drifted off as the sobs got harder to control.
Daniel knew it must have been the sound of his frantic gulps for air, which had Adam's head up in a second, concern etched in his face. Daniel stared him down, refusing to break eye contact. "I do need you, Daniel." Adam finally ground out. "I'll always need you…I can't lose you. Can't lose anyone else…like… we did mom and dad." Adam was crying now, too. "I am so sorry, Daniel, for my part in this whole thing."
Daniel knew then what his brother needed; he needed his mistake acknowledged and pardoned. "Maybe you did play a small role in this, Adam, but I forgive you, big brother. I forgive you."
And then he wrapped up his brother in his arms.
When they parted from their hug, having been somewhat calmed, Daniel shook his head and chuckled, unable to help himself.
Adam seemed relieved and surprised to hear his laugh. Puzzled, he cocked his head to the side and asked what Daniel found so funny.
"It's just all this hugging and crying I've been doing this week. First Brian, then Ford, Guthrie, even Evelyn, and now you. If anyone could see this family, they'd think we'd turned into a bunch of sissies instead of cowboys!" Daniel smiled at Adam, trying to lighten the mood and retain some of his dignity.
Adam burst out laughing, Daniel joining him. They threw their arms around each other again, laughing heartily and crying all at once. It felt good.
7b47b
Crane leaned against the doorjamb of his bedroom, surrounded by the darkness of the ranch house at midnight. Deep in thought, he watched the sleeping form on the bed, outlined in the moonlight.
He still couldn't believe it. Daniel had actually gone to Evelyn's house, by himself and without telling anyone. The kid had guts, that was for sure. Then again, Crane had always known that. It amazed him to watch Daniel recover from this trauma. Once he'd opened up about how bad he felt and how desperate he'd been, he had gotten so much better. It seemed now that his guard was down, he felt free to confide in Crane or the others about how he really felt. He'd been getting better at asking for help, too.
He'd even tracked Adam down and made things right between them, too. Crane was so relieved about that. The strain between them had been affecting everyone. Crane knew how upset Adam had been, though he hadn't really talked with anyone about it. Until now, that was. Crane had been thinking about confronting him tomorrow and making him talk, but Daniel had beaten him to it. That was better anyway. Those two needed each other something fierce right now. He was finally glad they realized it.
He smiled to himself when he thought of how far they'd all come. Daniel was going to be okay and so would the rest of them. It would be a long while, though, before he could forget what had almost happened. But it was important to remember how close they'd almost come to losing one of their own. He would watch and be more vigilant from now on. These brothers of his would not slip through any cracks on Crane's watch. No sirree. He wouldn't let anything like this happen again.
Crane looked down at the crumpled paper grasped in his hand. No one knew he'd kept it, but it had become a fairly regular thing for him to take out Daniel's suicide note and read it. Crane wanted to remember the feeling that he felt the first time he'd seen it. Remember, so that he would never be so careless again.
Tilting the letter so the moonlight illuminated it, he read it again, letting the fear and the terror wash over him.
In my time of dying, want nobody to mourn Well, well, well, so I can die easy Jesus, gonna make up my dyin' bed.
All I want for you to do is take my body home
Meet me, Jesus, meet me. Meet me in the middle of the air
If my wings should fail me, Lord. Please meet me with another pair
Oh, Saint Peter, at the gates of heaven... Won't you let me in
I never did no harm. I never did no wrong
I've only been this young once. I never thought I'd do anybody no wrong
No, not once.
Crane, I never meant to hurt anybody Oh, did somebody some good. I must have did somebody some good... I see the smiling faces
Oh, I believe I did
I know I must have left some traces
I hope you all remember the good I've done and not just the bad stuff.
Oh, Lord, deliver me
All the wrong I've done
You can deliver me, Lord
I only wanted to have some fun
Maybe God will forgive me for what I've done. I am sorrier than I know how to say. I hope that one day when you think of me, you won't hate me. I love you all so much.
Love, Daniel
Crane looked at his sleeping brother with gratitude filling his heart. Thank God they had gotten to him in time. It was not going to happen ever again, Crane would see to that. None of his brothers would ever feel so alone and hopeless again. Daniel especially, would be watched closely by Crane for a long, long time.
Daniel had a long life ahead of him and it would be a happy one; Crane would see to that.
It was not his time of dying.
The End
Author's Note-. Thank you all for sticking with me through this tale. I will be a little sad to see it end! If you liked it, please send me a review. I am always so excited to know if you enjoyed it. Thank you again!