Humanity's Strongest Woman

by xDollfie

In every Kingdom, there is an epic era that defies the boundaries of time and immortalized itself in the history books. For mankind, an epic era they will never forget has finally emerged. The war between humanity and Titans has finally come to a head. Love cease to exist in a time like this but they found it, and promised that it'll be worth it. Every stubborn inch of it [LEVIXOC]

10. Conflicted

A/N: Hi there! Back with another chapter, will be posting a little funny Special chapter for all my readers after this as a thank you for supporting me! Thank you to my reviewers and for all the support that I have received so far! I LOVE YOU GUYS! It makes me so happy to read your reviews or when you favorite/follow! *bows head* I hope you enjoy this chapter!

Chapter revamped: 12 June 2015

---

Humanity's Strongest Woman by xDollfie

Chapter 09 - Conflicted

---

The freshly enlisted recruits from the 104th trainee squad gathered around the field, holding onto their respective horses that their instructor and unit leader, Dita Ness had assigned for them specifically.

The middle-aged man smiled, his pleasant face flashing into a bright smile as he continued with his explanation to the new recruits.

"These are your horses," he announced proudly. "The Survey Corps' horses are known to be the prime best, bred for speed, agility, and obedience."

Several meters from them, his horse was standing proud and he issued the signal to come over with a loud whistle to demonstrate his obedience. His stallion trotted over, neighing.

"Establish a bond with them now, but don't get too close to them," he advised, stroking his horse. "We don't need soldiers mourning the death of their horses."

"For now, you can take a short break, your next instructor will be over shortly," Dita continued before his horse naughtily chewed on his white bandana that he wore around his head revealing the bald spot that his horse had recently pulled out. "H – Hey!"

Not paying attention to their instructor's screams, Connie Springer stroked his chestnut mare, sighing loudly and shaking his head when a depressing thought entered his mind, "I still can't believe it, we are soldiers, Survey Corp soldiers."

His brunette teammate beside him contemplated over his words for a few moments, but she shrugged it off casually. "At least they have delicious food here! It's much better than the training camps if you ask me!" Sasha Blouse replied positively, already thinking of ways to steal some food later to curb her impressive appetite.

"What is done is done, we can't go back on our decisions now," Jean deadpanned, already mounted on his horse. "All we can do now is try not to get ourselves killed in the upcoming expedition."

"It two days away now, isn't it?" Armin Arlert piped up, his blonde bob waving in the wind. Sighing, he focused his attention on his classmate, wondering how he was faring – the death of Marco had been a huge blow to everyone, Jean especially. "Aren't you afraid Jean?"

The long face teenager snorted confidentially.

"Of course not," Jean dismissed his concerns, but Armin knew that he was secretly terrified of the idea of facing those monstrous Titans once again – they all were. It hadn't been that long since the battle of Trost and the horrifying memory was still very much palpable in their minds.

Jean snorted again, adding, "The Survey Corps has Eren now remember? We are pinning our hopes on that suicidal bastard."

"Don't say that about Eren!" Mikasa Ackerman stepped forward, fiercely defensive about her adopted brother, invoking a frown from Jean. Armin instantly tugged on her sleeve to hold her back.

Speaking of her beloved brother, Mikasa was instantly reminded of what happened at the court trial, "Tsk. I wonder what he's doing now anyway. I'm going to kill that irksome midget the first chance I get!"

Armin pulled on Mikasa's sleeve harder, trying to calm her down. "Mikasa, don't do anything rash! We saw Eren when we came here remember? He's doing fine!" he reminded her quickly.

"But we haven't seen him since!" Mikasa retorted worriedly.

Krista Lenz walked over with Ymir, looking as beautiful as a goddess with her kind smile. Despite the given wisdom from Dita, Krista couldn't help stroking the nose of her horse and already feeling the sentimental attachment to it.

"Hey guys, do you know which instructor will we taking us for 3DMG training today?" she inquired politely, her golden hair swaying gently just above her shoulders.

"From the rumors, I heard it's a loony be-spectacled squad leader with an insane obsession with Titans," Connie answered after a stretch of silence. "I don't know her name but I overheard my unit leader talking about it."

"I heard all the veterans are freaks," Ymir commented snidely. "They'd dissect Titans and even us, if it was needed, don't think our loony instructor would be any different."

"Well, I think she's coming," Bertolt Hoover called out loud to catch his classmates attention, nudging his head towards the direction of the hooded figure on a glorious white mare coming forward.

"Let's get into our stations."

They lined up in a straight line with their horses beside then, arching their backs straight, every muscle poised at attention. Ymir glanced sideways at Krista, who continued to smile breezily as if she was going to a tea party.

But Ymir knew that Krista was just as nervous as everyone else.

The figure hopped off her horse, not even sparing a glance at the newbie soldiers. The 104th training squad immediately saluted her and she took off her hood, revealing tussles of messily braided hair.

Ida Starke pursed her lips, finally scanning her disinterested eyes at the stiffened soldiers.

"That isn't the loony is it?" Sasha whispered to Connie who shook his head in response. That woman certainly wasn't Hanji Zoe and she certainly didn't look like she had a strange maniacal obsession with Titans.

Beside them, Jean's eyes widen, recognizing her from Trost district — so she's from the Survey Corps, huh? It didn't come as that big of a surprise to him though, he could've guessed she was from the legion, it was probably the reason she helped him back then.

Judging by the high death count of the Corps, Ida looked like she could empathize with his situation. The Garrison and Military Police hardly knew anything about Titans nor do they experience death so often like the Survey Corps did.

"Well, if all the females look like her, I don't think I will regret joining the Corps," Reiner jested playfully and Bertolt bit back a laugh at his childhood friend's comments.

"At ease. I'm not a damn Corporal or a squad leader or whatever, so there is no need to salute me," Ida Starke went on in a monotone, paying no mind to protocol. "So… You guys are the brats that so bravely enlisted after hearing Erwin's pathetic speech."

"Y — You!"

She spun around to face the accusing voice. Blinking, Ida she was slightly confused when she saw a short black haired girl with a murderous look on her face storming towards her and a short male blonde running behind her in an effort to calm her down.

"It's you, isn't it! You're the other Captain in charge of Eren!" Mikasa wasted no time in bolting into an accusation. "What did that midget do to him?!"

"Mikasa calm down!" Armin tried to calm down his raging friend. He knew that whenever it comes to Eren, she was severely protective of him, almost to a point she would do anything.

"Which midget are you talking about? Apparently, there are two people that have adopted the name in the legion," Ida grumbled back sarcastically, thinking back to how she had gotten that insulting nickname as well because of her partnership with Levi - she wasn't that short...

"Where is Eren?!" Mikasa screeched, holding onto her shoulders roughly. Incredulous whispers suddenly broke out across team like wildfire.

Ida looked unfazed at the accusation, apparent in her disinterest. "Shut up and just get back in line, you stinking brat."

Jean didn't like the tone of her voice, superior or not.

"Hey! We are just curious about Eren—" he stopped midway when he was greeted with a cold stare that was icy enough to have frozen the remaining words in his throat.

Was it just him, or was Ida completely different from when he first met her back at Trost? She looked much hardened now, more imposing, more unbreakable. The woman he met back then was empathetic and compassionate, clearly a victim of circumstances. It was almost as if they were two different people.

"Oh, it's you." Ida raised a brow, recognizing Jean. "So I take it that the Military Police is not for you?"

Turning away before Jean could reply, Ida took a mental note to kill Levi for this later on. Why did she even have to look after a bunch of stinking brats just because Hanji had something else to do? She had plans to do some self-training today seeing how close the expedition was and certainly did not expect to be stuck to being an instructor.

"Armin! Mikasa!" Eren came running over, a bright beaming smile on his face, obviously elated that Levi had permitted him to join his classmates for training today. "A — Ah! Ida-san!" he greeted nervously when he saw her.

"W – Wait… This is?" Jean's eyes were wide in disbelief.

This woman was the second strongest soldier in the Survey Corps? Ida was nothing like he had imagined her to be. Where were the bulging muscles? Her male figure? The boyish haircut? Where was the tomboyish woman that all the trainees had imagined?

In all, Ida looked too delicate to hold such a prestigious title.

"Eren!" Mikasa shouted in great relief, running over to him. She grabbed his shoulders and gave him an all over once over to assess his mental and physical state "Did they do anything bad with you? Did they torture you and did wacky examinations on you that caused any mental stress?"

"N — No!" Eren stuttered, blushing at Mikasa frantic concern for him. He appreciated her concern, but sometimes he felt that she was treating him like a child. "I have been treated very well actually."

Mikasa's gaze hardened, doubting Eren's words. "That irksome shortie was acting so high and mighty during the hearing, I'm going to make that midget pay for what he did."

"A — Ah you're not talking about Captain Levi are you?" Eren stammered, secretly eyeing at Ida from the corner of his eyes, wondering if she heard what Mikasa said.

Ida shrugged idly, noticing Eren's concern. "Be my guest, you can torture that bastard all you want," she clapped her hands to gain their attention. "Let's get on with training, we are losing precious daylight."

"The first thing you brats will need is some god damn discipline, and I'd enforce it strictly — that means, no slacking off and keep the noise level down, understood?" Ida said sternly, earning a round of nods from the recruits.

The rest of the 104th trainee squad smiled, elated that they would be training under one of the top soldiers today, but unbeknownst to them, Eren Yeager was silently dreading. He was the only one who knew what training under Ida was like, and to be honest, she was the last person he wanted to see here.

Eren turned ghastly white when he thought back to his previous training sessions with the redhead. If there were two people in the world that he would never want to be his instructor, it was Levi and Ida.

Let's just say that they had a maniacal and slightly sadistic habit of pushing people to their extreme limits. The last time Eren had trained under them, he had the worst muscle ache in his life and couldn't even move for half a day without wincing in agony.

Not to mention he got brutally beaten up without mercy whenever they sparred.

Taking out a packet of sweets from her pocket. Ida began her usual routine on munching on sweets before any training, earning a puzzled look from the recruits.

"What? You have never seen someone eat sweets before?" she frowned, her cheeks stuffed with candy like a fat kid. "Try it, it gives you a sugar rush and your movements are speedier," she added confidentially, in hopes that the newbies would take her advice.

The trainees exchanged looks with each other as if to say 'Yup, the Survey Corps are full of oddballs.'

If Levi had an unhealthy obsession with cleaning, Ida had an unhealthy obsession with sweets.

"Sweets!" Sasha's outburst was followed by a momentary stunned silence as her classmates watched her charge towards the astonished redhead, her hands outstretched and eyes pinned on the sweets.

Unfortunately, Sasha got to Ida before Connie could stop her.

The redhead yelped as Sasha charged towards her in full speed and tackled her down.

o o o —xπ{Ö}πx — o o o

Levi watched the scene from his office window, watching Ida holler out orders and whip the recruits into shape. He chuckled softly in amusement, knowing that she was taking out her anger on the new recruits because she was unhappy that she had been assigned to tutor them.

He knew she had plans to head out to the woods to train with Petra, but thanks to his sudden orders, she was stuck to training some brats and forced to drop her plans for the day.

He smirked, obviously entertained in the scene happening below him. Though he was relatively tolerant of Ida's rude behavior, it wasn't as though he didn't enjoy watching her demise and putting her in place.

Levi felt the burning gaze of a certain gleaming-eyed squad leader and frowned instantly, "Spit it out Hanji, what do you want to say?"

"Hm, just wondering why you told me to take the day off and trade schedules with Ida," Hanji said evasively with an amused smile. "It's not every day the famous Lance Corporal Levi would ask me for a favor you know?"

Levi looked highly annoyed at being indebted to the Titan loving fool, "Shut up, I will help catch a Titan next time to make it up to you."

"But, that isn't what I want to know," Hanji admitted and suddenly spun around to face Levi as an ear-splitting grin broke across her face. "Say... What's the real reason you wanted Ida to teach the classes today? She looked awfully happy that her leg was finally healed. She was looking forward to training with Petra today you know."

"Tch," Levi scoffed nonchalantly at that question and replied simply. "That damn brat is doing it as punishment."

"Going as far as asking me to lie that to her that I had to settle some urgent matters with Erwin and couldn't make it to class today?" Hanji did not look a tad bit convinced and she continued to eye on him dubiously. "An awful lot of hard work you're putting into punishing her, don't you think?"

"I did not ask for your damned analysis, shitty four eye," Levi averted the topic sharply, picking up his quill and going through some paperwork.

Hanji smiled wryly at his response, scooting closer towards him. "You know, perhaps you want to be a little more obvious with your affections, Starke might take it the wrong way," she suggested smugly, knowing that it would provoke a response.

At that, Levi dropped his quill, looking up to glare menacingly at the squad leader, "What are you trying to imply?"

"You're worried about her injuries aren't you?" Hanji finally said after a stretch of silence, nodding to herself like she was right.

"You thought she needed to rest more for the upcoming expedition and since you didn't want to openly show your concerns being the stubborn brute you are, you figured that training the new recruits would be less strenuous than going into the woods with Petra to do some intense advanced training," she concluded smartly with a snap of her fingers, hitting right on the nail.

"Are you done spouting nonsense or do you just like to come up with ridiculous assumptions?" Levi scowled fiercely at her conclusion, secretly wondering if he had been too obvious with his actions.

She gave him an expression that said she meant nothing by it, "Hey, I'm just saying, there's no harm trying to show a little more obvious concern for your partner."

Levi sighed tiredly, knowing that he couldn't avoid the topic any further, "So what? As the Captain, it's my job to care for the troublesome brats beneath me, not much of a big deal."

Hanji giggled at his futile attempt to hide his frown, and she leaned forward, ignoring the threatening glare from the shorter man.

"If you say so…" she hummed not sounding the least bit convinced. "Just letting you know, I'm always here if you need some womanly advice!"

"I will take that into consideration if I ever want to listen to advice from a psychotic maniac like you," Levi bit back snarkily.

She walked towards the door, "Have a great time trying to get her to sleep with you!"

Hanji had already bolted out of the door by the time Levi stood up fuming, already predicting his supposed reaction. Her boisterous laughter could be heard filtering through the closed doors as she happily skipped away.

Groaning, Levi allowed one last lingering glance at the window, cursing that stupid four eye underneath his breath – he would find some way to make her pay for this later.

He busied himself with more paperwork, paying no interest in what had just happened. At that moment, with his squad moving back from the hideout to the main headquarters, Levi had more distressing things to think about.

o o o —xπ{Ö}πx — o o o

"Hey, the Commander is looking for you in his office," Nanaba said, stopping Ida in her in the hallways.

Ida turned around, she had wanted to go wash up after a rather unamusing day training the new recruits, so she wasn't particularly pleased with that report.

"What for?"

"No idea," Nanaba shrugged. "It's urgent though, you might want to go over now."

Ida frowned, nodding once to acknowledge her report and Nanaba went after Mike. She wondered why Erwin was even looking for her, obviously she wasn't looking forward to seeing her father.

Over the past year, the father-daughter relationship had only advanced to a point where Ida wouldn't bolt out of the door the moment she saw him. They weren't in any way close, and though Ida wouldn't mind conversing with him (it was inevitable after all, seeing he was her commander), she would very much prefer to keep it at the bare minimum.

This was also one of the reasons why she declined the promotion of a Captain of her own squad, it would mean that she would be seeing more of Erwin's face at meetings. Even though being in Levi's squad had its disadvantages – seeing how crass and stubborn her Captain is – at least she wouldn't have that big of a responsibility and Ida would like to keep it that way for now.

She walked deeper into the headquarters, nodding her head and greeting everyone who greeted her before heading towards stairs to the second floor.

Reaching her hand out, Ida wanted to knock to inform her arrival but Levi's distinctive voice halted her movements. "You're making a damn mistake, Ida should be excluded out of this mission. She won't take it well."

Mission? Her eyes shot wide. Why wasn't she told of anything like that?

Intrigued and curious, Ida found herself pressing her ear against the door, shamelessly eavesdropping.

She heard Erwin sighed deeply before replying, "It seems you know my daughter better than I do, Levi. But we're going to need all the manpower we have and Ida's skills are an advantage. An advantage that we certainly cannot afford to lose."

"Tch, I admit that brat a great soldier, but she is not fit for a fucking task like this. She puts her emotions before anything else. She will be a damn burden instead," Levi's acid sarcasm could be heard filtering through the door. "After every expedition, she gets depressed over the deaths of our subordinates Erwin."

"That's your job to convince her, is it not?" Erwin shot back sharply, standing his ground and not unwavering. "She has to learn sooner or later, you can't keep protecting her."

Ida could imagine Levi frowning when he replied back in a monotone, "You're fucking crazy if you think that's going to work, she's as stubborn as a mule. She just isn't ready for something like this."

"Ready for what?" Ida swung the door open, growing increasingly anxious at their secret topic that she knew absolutely nothing about. If it involves her, she wanted to know.

"What are you guys talking about?" she demanded rigidly, studying the pair.

Levi looked extremely upset – more upset than she has ever seen him – his were brows contorted into a condensing manner. Erwin on the other hand looked as composed as ever.

"Speaking of the devil…" Levi grumbled before sticking himself to the wall, glaring at Erwin who was seated calmly behind his desk. "You wanted to tell her regardless of my warning right, Erwin? There is she, go knock yourself out and see what happens," he challenged.

"Ida," Erwin greeted earning a scowl from his daughter at his affectionate voice. "We have something of utmost importance to discuss with you, and it requires confidentiality."

Confidentiality? Now, this had Ida intrigued.

"I know, I heard everything from outside," she crossed her arms, feeling her stomach knotting in various directions. She didn't like the tone of Erwin's voice, somehow she felt like she wasn't going to be pleased with what he was about to say.

"What do you want to say?"

Erwin tapped his finger on his desk, as if he was contemplating on starting, but he did anyway, "Because of the revelation of Eren's existence, it has confirmed the possibilities that Titans can be controlled artificially," he began slowly as if to test the waters, when he saw that Ida had no change in her stoic expression, he continued. "Hence, we can safely assume that they might be among us."

"So you're saying there is a spy?" Ida stated in a monotone, her face contorting at that thought. "That a spy for the Titans is among us?"

"Yes, a spy for the Titans," Erwin nodded, noting how perceptive she was.

So far so good, Ida seemed to be taking this pretty well, but Erwin knew that the hardest part has yet to come, "Based on our given data Hanji's analysis on Eren, we have to assume Colossal and Armored Titans that broke down the Wall Maria are the same type as Eren's – they are Titan shifters."

"You are saying that those very Titan Shifters that seek to destroy Wall Rose reside inside the walls in their human form," Ida deduced quickly, pursing her lips at that horrifying thought. "Well, that would explain the massacre of that idiotic four eyes' precious Sonny and Bean… It would be disadvantageous to them if we gathered more information on the Titans."

"That is correct." Erwin was pleasantly surprised by her quick intuition. "And we have reason to believe that what they're currently after is Eren Yeager."

Ida arched a brow, not expecting that – as usual, no one could catch up with Erwin's quick thinking. "Why is that?"

Erwin cleared his throat, before elaborating, "During invasion on Wall Rose, the Colossal and Armored Titan dropped their goals of demolishing Wall Rose and suddenly disappeared. Even after we had managed plugged the breach they've worked so hard to achieve, they left us be. Why is that?"

She pondered over it for a moment and gasped when the realization hit her like an oncoming Titan. Ida stared at Erwin in shock, not sure if she was right about what she thought he was insinuating.

"…You are saying… That during the attack, something happened that is of greater importance to them…" she started, but when Erwin made no move to correct her, she bit her lips, clenching her fist as her voice deepened, "And the only thing that went out of order was Eren turning into a Titan…"

Downcasting her gaze, her fingernails dug into her palm's flesh, "And among those who had been there at the time… There are all suspects for a spy?"

"Heh, you're not as stupid you look." Levi snorted, crossing his arms. "Oi Erwin, tell her about the mission then."

Ida's held a bated breath, anxiously anticipating what was coming next.

Erwin sighed, interlocking his fingers together on his desk. "We have plans to capture the Titan shifter using Eren Yeager as bait during the upcoming expedition," he stated quickly, wanting to get it over and done with.

"What?!" Ida took a stunned step back, but she recovered quickly. "Then why brief us about it only now?! This information is crucial for the survivability of the soldiers! The expedition is two days away!"

"Because we are not going to, only a selected few who have been deemed trustable know about the real plan behind the expedition, which is why I say you must exercise strict confidentiality," Erwin confirmed flatly, only allowing his voice to waver a little.

He gestured to the silent man by the side, "Levi will brief you on the rest of mission."

However, Ida was not going to settle for just that vague explanation. "Why?!"

Erwin only appraised her with firm eyes, hoping that she'd see that just how serious he was.

Ida grit her teeth when she saw that look and fought to state her point, "When we're up against Titans there's always information deficiency. If the soldiers knew that we're up against an intelligent Titan shifter beforehand, their approach would be different! This could mean life and death for-"

Ida halted abruptly mid-sentence when a shocking thought flashed through her mind. She locked her gaze with Erwin's, and her astonished emerald eyes widen significantly in horror when his very silence confirmed the very dreadful thought swarming in her mind.

"Y – You can't be thinking of just letting them die…?"

It was a question that she wanted Erwin to instantly deny, but she was greeted with nothing but tense silence as the two men looked at her with firm unyielding eyes. She could tell that Levi was anticipating her reaction as she slowly soaked in the news.

At this point, Ida felt her heart drop to the endless pit of her stomach.

Her appalled emotions quickly turn into rage when she lunged forward and grabbed Erwin angrily by the collar.

"These are our subordinates, Erwin! They risk everything going out to the outer lands for expeditions. These people have families, loved ones, people that are fucking waiting for them in the walls! Are you fucking kidding me?! Even if there's no way of knowing who's the spy, you can't just fucking throw lives away! They deserve to know! It's their right after all they have sacrificed for mankind!"

"And?" Erwin did not falter under her iron hold, his strong blue eyes deadlocking into hers. "I know what the results would be like, but what choice do we have? Our foremost priority is capturing those that threaten to artificially destroy the walls. If we succeed in this, we can know their plans and act accordingly. The lives of 100 subordinates or the entire extinction of humanity living inside the walls, we have to make a choice!"

"There has got to be another way!" Ida argued. His calm demeanor only served to irritate her further, how can Erwin just talk so nonchalantly about something like this?

"If we start sending out our men like they are cattle unknowingly going to the slaughter house, then I would rather give rather give up on mankind itself!"

"We can hide within these walls, but for how long? Even if we have noble dreams, safety, and security here, how long will it last?!" Erwin retorted, his voice raising. "You've seen it yourself what would happen if the Titans breach the walls! I can't risk that."

"You fucking inhuman filth," Ida pushed him away violently, aghast by his cruelty. Her hard, disdainful eyes met and held Erwin's one without flinching.

"You're fucking insane, Erwin." Scoffing in disbelief, she turned towards her partner leaning on the wall. "And what about you? Are you going along with this ridiculous plan was well, Levi?"

Levi looked away, not being able to hold eye contact with a grief stricken Ida. Her eyes blazed with both resignation and anger at his silence.

She uttered a laugh of mingled disdain and irony, turning around and storming towards the exit. "You're fucking insane, all of you! Our men are humans too, they deserve to know."

A loud bang reverberated through the small room when Ida slammed the door behind her. Levi emitted a heavy sigh, darting an annoyed glance towards his commander, "I warned you, didn't I?"

Erwin adjusted his collar, looking as calm and nonchalant as ever. "She will get over it, she has to understand…" he raised his chin and deadlocked them with Levi's. "…People who don't become monsters can't hope to defeat monsters."

There was a growing discomfort in Levi's chest, but he didn't show any sign of it in his expression. He supposed he should be accustomed to this lifestyle now… His lips twitched slightly as he watched Erwin carry on with his day's work of scanning through reports as though the argument had never happened.

Erwin Smith's cruelty had no limits.

o o o —xπ{Ö}πx — o o o

"This is pure shit," Ida muttered out loud into the still darkness that had become her only friend for the past hour.

A typhoon of anxiety and anxiousness rushed over her as she rolled over to the other side of the bed, gripping hard on the white sheets beneath her. She was restless.

The evening moonlight beamed down on her and she stared unblinkingly out her window by her bedside, noticing that the barren trees that had lost their youthfulness and color.

She was still trying to piece together the fragments of the ridiculous puzzle of all that had been happening to her, trying to understand how it was possible. Ida couldn't understand what Erwin was thinking, nor could she comprehend how he could possibly sacrifice their subordinates, even if meant saving all of humanity.

Didn't they sit together during meals? Weren't they reliable comrades? Didn't they appreciate each other company in times of sorrows? Every soldier had been through thick and thin together and Ida couldn't possibly understand how Erwin could find it in his heart to do this to them — to justify it within his soul.

She doubted that she would have even been informed of the 'secret' mission if it wasn't for her blood ties with Erwin and that only served to bring forth another wave of guilt.

Ida Starke knew what it would mean if the Titans were to breach humanity's defensive walls once again. In fact, she could remember the consequences it all too well — the relentless screams, the insignificant dead as they dangled by the mouth of the Titans, the garbled noises, her mother's final and heartwarming smile.

Agony shot through her skull as she contemplated more, as she remembered more.

Ida was struck by long forgotten images of her neighbors that were kind to her even if she was illegitimate child; the kind fishmonger that would always give her an extra fish or two whenever she visited her store, the warm bookkeeper that lived by the end of the street that would always take the time to tell her stories of history of Walls, and even the florist who would greet her whenever she walked by her shop.

But she could also remember how she trampled over their disfigured corpses as she sprinted selfishly towards the boats for refuge — her mind blank, stomach curdling and her heart pounding against her rib cage.

She closed her eyes and forced herself to remember massive walls that stretched for miles as far as the eye could see — the immense walls that stood strong for a hundred years and was penetrated with a just one powerful kick.

And with that blow, every trace of her happiness came thrashing down with those gates. Ida could remember standing alone in the decimated city awhile she looked upon a gathering of monsters indulging in their sick banquet of humans. Then, she remembered a grotesque Titan that just stood there, its big glass eyes seemingly watching her in a city of phantom screams.

The screams were so loud that it rivaled the cannon fire from the garrison.

Those bright warm eyes of her mother and friends who had loved and accepted her despite her heritage, Ida had watched helplessly as each and every one of the people she had cared about was slaughtered before her, the light of life in their lovely warm eyes dying out and turning soulless.

Will those warm kind eyes of her subordinates turn soulless and dull as well?

Ida Starke sat up abruptly in the darkness like someone had punched her in her stomach at that thought. She could feel lungs squeezing unrelentingly as if trying to pressure her to suck in more air.

But this time round was different from the time at the Wall wasn't it?

She didn't have to watch her comrades die a fruitless agonizing death, Ida had the power to prevent it — she wasn't that helpless anymore. She could protect them. They didn't have to die.

Kicking off the covers and firm in her resolution, she stumbled as she jolted off the bed, her hands sweaty and trembling when she reached out for the doorknob, swinging the wooden doors open with much force.

"Ah!" Ida stumbled back. Her heart stopped for a brief moment before she assessed the unwelcome visitor by her door with steely eyes.

"What the hell are you doing here, Levi?" she spat after recovering from her initial shock, not hiding her distaste for his unwelcome visit.

Levi Ackerman arched a thin brow, dressed in a white long sleeve top that was a size too big. He held the iron-courting candle up as if to see her face better - there were dark bags underneath her eyes, and her blazing scarlet hair was untidy and unkempt.

Her frown deepened when he didn't reply her. "This isn't your room anymore. We moved back to the headquarters for the expedition, so what the hell are you doing here?" she demanded wanting to know why he was standing outside her door like a stalker.

But when Levi finally spoke, her breath hitched.

"Where do you think you're going, Ida?" his voice was stern and dire and she froze at the tone of his voice. Levi never talked to her in that tone before, not even when she accidentally kicked him into a mud pool once.

Shocked at how he was treating her, Ida felt her words die on the base of her tongue. Levi glare hardened vehemently, "Your superior is asking you, Ida Starke, where the fuck do you think you are going?"

"…" Ida looked away with guilt, holding onto her arm nervously.

She knew exactly why Levi was here — he had already predicted what she was going to do.

It was to be expected, after all, Levi was always one step ahead of her. If Ida Starke was reckless and unimaginative, Levi was precise and calculating. The latter was more of a strategist, thinking four or even five steps ahead, while Ida had always reacted faster and made decisions recklessly. In truth, it even puzzled Ida how they always seem to work well together.

Charging inside and knocking Ida by the shoulder, Levi closed the door behind him and placed the lighted candle on top of the dresser before addressing the silent redhead once more.

"What do you think you are doing?" he demanded insistently again, determined to provoke an answer from her.

Shock and fear entwisted each cell of her body more and more deeply, but she didn't show her weakness to Levi — she would not demonstrate her vulnerability and weakness to the world.

"Get out of my room. I can go wherever I want," Ida had managed to keep her composure with much effort. She wasn't going to tremble underneath his scrutinizing gaze - she did nothing wrong.

With his back still turned on her, Levi inquired in a deadpan. "Ida, what are your thoughts about the mission?"

She stood paralyzed at his sudden question, and she contemplated on lying, but she didn't. There was no point, Ida knew that Levi could read through her easily. "I… can't do something like that. I can't throw away my humanity and sacrifice my comrades like that…" she admitted honestly, starting weak but ending strong.

"So, to be exact, you don't want to partake in this mission," Levi concluded listlessly, his eyes narrowing down.

"I want to… But not like this…" Ida's words were just above a whisper.

"Understood," Levi grumbled, his expression indescribable. "Then quit the Survey Corps then and run away, but…"

Suddenly, Levi stormed towards her and in one quick fluid motion before Ida had the time to react. He knocked her towards the wall, pinning her with his arm on her neck and putting his chiseled face closely to her.

"Don't you dare spoil our plans that we worked so fucking hard to achieve! You think by leaking the plan to everyone, they would be safe? That at least they wouldn't be that many casualties?!" the spiteful words spilled through his gritted teeth – strong, acidic and heart stabbing. "Just what the hell are you planning to achieve with a plan as stupid as that?"

Ida Starke knew that Levi had tendencies to express his frustrations and explain his feelings through violence and insults — this wasn't any different from when Levi would reprimand the soldiers or Hanji when she annoys him — but what Ida found hard to understand was that he was establishing this treatment to her as well, something he had never done before.

"W—What the hell do you think you're doing, let me go," Ida growled lowly, trying to stop the shaking in her voice.

She felt his arm relax for a second but then he pinned her even tighter, as though to challenge her.

"I will not have you destroying the entire plan and risk the entire damn population of humanity just for the petty sake of satisfying your emotions you can't even control," he scowled, looking so livid that Ida felt her heart stop of a split second — he truly looked intimidating. "So, you want to prance your ass around the damn legion, telling everyone about the real mission behind the expedition? What the hell did you expect is going to happen?!"

Ida's eyes flashed in vivid defiance. "I expect that my comrades wouldn't have to sacrifice themselves for a cause that they don't even know about! They could be more prepared! They could fight! They wouldn't have to be damn chess pieces on a board game!"

Ida's outburst took Levi by surprise, and he roughly released his hold on her, settling for glaring her down instead.

"Just because you're skilled and have quickly risen to the top over the past year doesn't make your as mature and ready as you think you are. In all else, you're nothing but a shitty amateur," Levi sneered, unflinching under her steely glare. "Let me enlighten you then since you clearly did not think this through. You'd cause a panic attack among our soldiers, especially when they're feeling anxious for the upcoming expedition as it is. Some way some how should the information leak and the damn spy learns about it, what do you think they'd do?"

When she didn't reply, Levi took it as leave to continue. "They might transform within the Walls, perhaps they'd even knock their way down all through Wall Rose and to Wall Sina. What then? How many families do you think you can save? How many people can you protect? Did you even use your hollow brain to think about that for a moment?"

Ida clenched her jaw, reality slapping her hard as she contemplated over Levi's reasoning. She remained silent, allowing the infuriated man to continue on with his rant.

"Go ahead and open your mouth to save those few subordinates of ours," he etched his face closer to her and Ida fist tightened when he continued challengingly, "But are you prepared for the consequences? What if there's really was a spy in our legion? Are you prepared to shoulder the responsibility if the Walls were to fall because of this? What do you plan to gain by being an indecisive rascal?"

When she didn't reply, Levi scoffed. "Brats act before thinking of consequences, that's why they are called brats," he glowered vehemently. "I had expected better of you."

A new tide of pain like a sharp dagger, transfixed in her heart.

Ida was angry — frustrated at Levi for speaking to her in such a way, angry at herself for her recklessness, but most importantly, cursing the unforgiving world for forcing such a choice upon them.

So it will always be like this, Ida thought inwardly, her fist clenching even tighter. Even if I'm stronger, I still can't save anyone.

A long stretch of silence passed between them, and Levi finally broke it when he emitted a frustrated exhale, looking away.

"Go ahead then," he spoke and she snapped her head to look at him. His gaze had grown more intensified, but they also held a touch of restlessness in it. "Do whatever you like, I wouldn't say your decision is right or wrong because I don't know either."

Levi stared into space with piercing hate-filled eyes. Then, he moved his gaze to meet hers with an inexplicable look of frustration. He opened his mouth but quickly shut it, hesitating to say anymore. Moments of silent in the darkness passed, without each of them saying a word.

Paranoia swept Ida over and over again as she contemplated Levi words, and instantly the memory of Wall Maria falling ravaged her mind. Fear slipped into her gradually when she realized her momentary lapse of judgment could have held such dire consequences.

When Levi saw that she was trembling slightly, he reached out of pull her away from the wall, but Ida recoiled from it and violently maneuvered away from his grip.

He hastily took his hands back just as a flash of hurt ran across his face. Sighing irritably, he made his way towards the door, "Get some sleep, everyone in the legion is summoned for the briefing tomorrow."

Without another exchange of words, Levi left the room.

o o o —xπ{Ö}πx — o o o

"Today will be our final combined exercise. We will officially embark on the Survey Corps' 57th Expedition beyond the walls tomorrow."

Erwin Smith stood proudly on the podium and addressed his legion, the wings of freedom flag blowing in pride with the wind.

He paused for a moment, scanning his eyes among his hundred brave soldiers adorning the forest green capes and their usual brown uniforms, every muscle poised as they stood in their organized lines. Their faces were composed, motivated, and fiercely determined.

"As many of you know, when we embark on the expedition and leave the safety of the gates, many of us won't come back… That is why the most important thing I want you to learn is how to survive."

Clenching his fist, Erwin stamped it over his chest in a salute. "For the sake of humanity's freedom and for your bravery, I salute you!"

The loud echoes of the shifting soldiers waved through the lines as they poised themselves in a salute after their commander.

"Take the rest of the day to rest up and prepare yourself. Those who wish to visit their families have to permission to do so. That is all, you're dismissed."

Why…. Ida wore an expressionless bronze mask as she stood solemnly in the front lines, unflinching. How can you say things like that when you're keeping essential information to yourself that could result in life and death of your soldiers? Do you even have a heart?

Her emerald eyes framed with thick black lashes watched the tall blonde man walking down the podium, and suddenly, Erwin turned and made eye contact with her.

Curling her fingers tighter into a ball, she held her unwavering glare, before reverting her eyes. Her knuckles whitened from how tightly she was clenching her fist - she couldn't possibly have someone like that as a father.

"You can't leave here you Titan brat, haha!" Oluo roughly slammed his fist down on a winching teenage boy head. The older man ruffled his jet-black hair as he went on with his obnoxious speech, "There is no need for me to go home and say goodbye because I'm going to come back alive with my amazing skills! Get that you little twerp?!"

"Oluo, leave Eren alone."

Eren and Oluo felt a wave of fear skate through their bodies when Levi's voice came from behind them. "Y – Yes, Sir!" they spoke, immediately straightening like a pole.

Am I imagining it…? Ida studied her squad impassively and her chest constricted unbearably at the sight. Why… does everyone seem so agitated?

Her eyes darted to her subordinates from the other squads, picking up the very same aura of anxiety and anxiousness. Were they afraid? Why hadn't she noticed this before? Ida downcast her eyes to the ground, biting hard on her lower lip — she supposed even Erwin had been her more aware of the feelings of her comrades than her.

"Ida!" Petra came running up to the red-haired, the usual bright smile on her face. "My family sent me some tea leaves, would you like some?"

Ida contemplated for a moment before answering, "Sure…"

"What's wrong with you? You have been acting strange ever since yesterday," Petra shook her head dismissively, knowing that she wasn't one to openly voice her troubles and opted to not pry any further.

She grinned brightly as she laced her arm around Ida's and the redhead instinctively stiffened at her touch but made no attempt to untangle their arms.

Then a memory struck her, "Oh! I almost forget! Here you go!"

Petra dug into her pockets and handed Ida a small little pink bag with a red ribbon tied on the top to secure its contents. "Our present from the squad! Sorry it took so long, but I can't believe it has been a year since you had joined! Time sure does pass quickly."

Ida blinked, surprised that they had bought a present for her.

An uncharacteristic small smile tugged on her lips as she kept it her back pocket, a warm fuzzy feeling blooming in her chest, "Thank you, Petra…"

Arm in arm, both women entered the dining hall where most of the legion were. Shortly after, a flustered Eren came running from behind. "Petra-san help me!" he cried charging over to the ginger for protection.

"Get back here you little Titan shit! I'm not done with you yet!" Oluo hollered, storming into the room and making an attempt to grab Eren hiding behind Petra's back.

"Give me that stinking brat! My skills are first-rate you hear!"

"Cut it out Oluo," Petra spoke fiercely, furrowing her brows at his childish behavior. "Don't go bullying Eren again."

Oluo snapped his incredulous eyes to his ginger teammate, "What did you say woman! Since when do I take orders from you—"

Sadly, Oluo never got to finish his sentence when Petra swung her fist towards his face and he flew to the ground, clutching his assaulted face in shock.

Petra hastily turned and gave a warm nonchalant smile to a stunned Eren, leading him by the shoulders to an empty seat and pushing him down. "Join us for tea, Eren! Don't bother about that senile old man."

Humming a merry tune, Petra head to the cabinets and brewed a fresh batch of tea. She walked back to the table and placed a steaming hot cup in front of Ida and Eren. "It's nothing high-grade, but even tea leaves are expensive nowadays."

"Thank you, Petra-san!" Eren happily grabbed the teacup from her, lowering his head in gratitude. The smooth black tea felt good as it ran down his throat.

"Thanks…" Ida muttered, accepting a cup from the ginger.

The three fell into a comfortable silence as they drank. However, Ida had never once touched her cup. Instead, she opted to look at it dejectedly, watching the whips of white steam flow out from it.

Somehow, just watching it felt soothing to her — it calmed her mind.

"Hey, Eren… I'm sorry about that," Petra suddenly said in a small voice, breaking the silence and earning a curious look from Eren and the silent Ida.

"Huh?" The teenage boy frowned in confusion. "Why are you apologizing to me, Petra-san?"

She placed down her cup, her two small tender hands still wrapped around it. She stared at it and a long silence ensued before she broke it. "Everyone… is just…" Ida's eyes widen when she noticed the slight trembling of Petra's hands when she paused. "…Afraid."

Looking up, Petra's eyes were shimmering with unshed tears as she elaborated, "Everyone is on edge… and I think it has caught up with Oluo as well… so don't blame him for acting up…"

Petra waited for a reply, but when none came, she continued.

"Don't you think it's weird? Since we'd been in the legion for a while now… But honestly, everyone is the same. We grow restless and anxious when the expedition date draws closer," she sighed, looking down despondently. "Even though we know what is waiting for us outside the walls, and even though we know in our own strength and believe in our teammates…"

Veteran or not, how can anyone ever keep their composure when they know that the chances of them returning are so slim?

The trembling ginger's voice cracked when she muttered out her last honest words. "We… just don't want to die…" she held tightly onto the cup to calm her trembling fingers and looked at the appalled teenage boy with water-filled eyes.

When Petra saw his shock expression, she quickly averted the subject to lightened the mood. "Aren't you afraid too, Eren?"

Eren smiled sadly, nodding his head. Veteran or not, how can one ever keep their composure when they know that the chances of them returning are so slim?

"Of course I'm… But we have the Survey Corps to believe in. No matter what happens, as long as we are a team out there, I believe that we can one day gain back humanity's freedom."

"That's a positive way of thinking." Petra smiled, feeling a little better when she heard Eren's positive thoughts. "I wish I could think that way every time…"

Eren noticed that Ida had been relatively silent throughout the conversation, and he opted to invite her into it as well, "Are you afraid too, Ida-san?"

At the sound of her name, she snapped her eyes towards him, taking in his imploring and kind orbs. Her stomach twisted and knotted in all directions, and Ida cast her guilty gaze away, "I…."

"Haha, what a weird question to ask her! Of course, she isn't afraid, you should've seen her on her first expedition! She was as brave as ever!" Petra laughed softly, her smile as bright as the sun. "I don't think she ever feared going on expeditions!"

Ida hid her shivering hands underneath her cloak, her chest constricting unbearably. Her face lacked any emotions as she stared unblinkingly at them. Nothing was detectable on her face.

Ida had come up with such a perfect façade that everyone was fooled – for the past year she had religiously practiced it, telling herself that she couldn't show any weakness, but truth was, she had been displaying a strong demeanor for so long now that she even fooled herself.

"Unlike you, Petra. If I recalled correctly, I remember you weeping and even pissing your pants during your first expedition," Eld joined in the conversation, smiling wickedly as he suddenly came from behind the ginger and poked her cheeks playfully.

"Eeh?!" Eren yelped, astonished.

"AHH! Eld-san! Don't tell him that, what if he loses respect for me!" Petra shrieked in horror when her embarrassing past incident was revealed to the newbie. "And you were afraid too you moron!"

"We are always afraid! But at least I don't piss my pants," Eld jested, dodging a punch that Petra threw in the direction of his face.

"Wow! So did it sprayed everywhere?" Eren piped out innocently as an afterthought.

These people… Ida gritted her teeth together, clutching onto her cloak's fabric even tighter. She watched with solemn eyes as her squad members bicker away happily. They know what is on the other side on the wall, they one of the most experienced veterans out there – Titan killers of their own right... and yet… they are afraid…

They just… don't want to die…

"Hey, Eren, did you get the meaning behind the question that commander asked you?" Gunther suddenly sat down beside Eren, ignoring Eld and Petra arguing behind them.

Eren's eyes went wide. "Oh you mean the question he asked me when Hanji-san's Titans were murdered? About who I thought was the true enemy?"

Gunther nodded, "Yes that. It's been bothering me how the Special Operation Squad is placed in the center of the formation this time round on standby instead. It's the safest spot in the entire formation, you get even more special treatment than cart supplying supplies."

"Eh, no..." Eren admitted, pursing his lips as the thought through the question again. "What about you guys? Did you understand what Commander Erwin meant?"

Eld shook his head, "Nope."

"Don't look at me," Oluo scolded him when he noticed Eren was staring at him.

"I haven't the slightest clue too," Petra answered sheepishly.

Then, the entire squad gaze fell to Ida. Feeling their stares, she clutched onto her cloak tighter and bit her lips. "I — I don't know anything too," she lied in a soft voice.

Gunther shrugged at her simple replying, paying no more thought to it. "Maybe this time, our expedition has another objective other than simply going to the outer lands and coming back alive... If so, then Commander Erwin simply concluded there's no need for soldiers to know about it.."

"What? Why wouldn't Commander Erwin brief us though?" Eren piped up, confused. "We're working towards the same goal, are we not?"

"I don't know Eren," Gunther said softly. "If that's the case, we still have only one objective — go outside the walls and come back alive. Trust your commander."

"Y—Yes sir..."

Standing up involuntarily, Ida held onto her stomach as she rushed out of the room. She clenched her jaw together, trying to salvage the last bit of guilt that was entrenching her body and growing with every passing second. She couldn't take it anymore.

The disgust for herself built up in her stomach and she could feel the bile threatening to pour from her throat. The loud slamming of the door caught the attention of the squad members, noticing that their fiery-haired member was nowhere to be seen.

Petra blinked when she saw the untouched cup, "Where did she go?"

Eld shrugged dully. "Beats me, she has been acting weird ever since yesterday. You think Corporal Levi and her got into a fight again?"

Colors.

Colors of the core of the rainbow flashed across her and blemished her eyesight. Ida Starke felt her world tip on a deadly axis. The guilt had consumed her stomach — it so acidic, so poisonous that she could feel the bile of disgust at the back of her throat ready to puke out any moment.

Slamming open the toilet door, Ida couldn't breathe. She bolted into the room and closed the door behind her, and doubled onto the ground, writhing in pain in front of the toilet. The acidic tastes chased up the back of her throat. Ida groaned in pain as she puked out nothing but strings of saliva.

Her mind was screaming, her stomach was twisting, her arms and legs felt like rubber.

The physical manifestation of her mental and emotional pain was getting worse and worse.

Ida Starke couldn't understand how they did it — how her very own biological father could withstand looking at his frighten and anxious subordinates who placed all their lives and trust in the Survey Corps, not knowing that they were nothing but sacrificial lambs. How could he even say such noble words in front of them?

How could they keep the truth that would separate life and death? Were they even capable of feelings?

She didn't know who was going to die tomorrow, and she didn't know what was going to happen tomorrow, but what Ida knew was that she was guilty of staying silent and because of that, there was a chance that many of her subordinates would be making their last trip home today.

Inhuman filth.

For the first time, Ida Starke was afraid of embarking on an expedition.

o o o —xπ{Ö}πx — o o o

Levi Ackerman had his mind on a particular red head as he walked down the silent hallway with his hands tucked into the pockets. He was wondering how Ida was coping. They hadn't talked or even made eye contact since yesterday and honestly, he was starting to feel a tad guilty for treating her so harshly.

Sighing and telling himself that it was the right thing to do in an effort to make himself feel better, he opened the door to his private room to find the very person that he was thinking about.

"So, is this your stupid way of getting back at me? Charging into your superior's room without permission and making a damn mess?"

Ida Starke embraced his irritated expression with a sad smile, sitting cross-legged in his chair. "There's no one else around, everyone has gone home…" she admitted straight off, much to his surprise. "And I am lonely..."

Levi was slightly taken aback from her explanation. Since when was Ida this honest?

"So you decided to get yourself piss drunk into my damn room?" Levi's eyebrows clashed together when he saw a half-drank bottle of alcohol in her grasp. "What the hell are you doing?"

She waved her hand in the air like she was dismissing his comments. "Don't bother me, I just want to be around someone… I was waiting for you before I drank, but you took your damn sweet time, were you taking a shit or something?"

Shaking his head, he decided that he was simply too tired to argue with her.

He walked off the side of his bed and removed his cloak, "Stop making a ruckus, if you have nothing to do, go to your room and rest. That's your job too."

Ignoring him, Ida took a long chug, gasping when she released the bottle from her lips. She eyed on her Captain from afar, feeling instantly comfortable with his presence. She watched as he took off his weapons and unhook the buckles of the gear.

Has this man… ever felt afraid of what is outside the walls? She pondered, musing at that thought.

Levi always looked so confident — so skillful and brave, so much so that his fearlessness even amazes her.

Even if it were a horde of Titans, Levi would charge in without a second though. He was that confident in himself. Ida glazed her eyes over his side profile, wondering if he was feeling the same amount of anxiety and guilt as she was — if he did though, none of it showed.

Perhaps he doesn't know fear, she concluded. That did sound like a plausible explanation.

"Hey… Levi…" Ida murmured out before she could stop herself. "Don't you have somewhere to visit on your day off? Like a family member… or a lover or something?"

Being in the headquarters every day, Ida had come to observed that Levi never really went anywhere or visited any one on his days off, he was basically in the Survey Corps every day, just like her.

Levi stiffened slightly at that question, hesitating before he answered, "None."

She raised her brow in surprise, she hadn't expected him to answer. Levi wasn't the most talkative person in the world, in fact he was disturbingly reserved. But since he didn't look like he was in a foul mood and was uncharacteristically tolerant today (she had expected he'd kick her out the moment he saw her), Ida continued on the conversation.

Ida nodded her head, looking straight ahead. "So you dedicate your life to the Survey Corps and to flying around and killing Titans huh…? Duty over anything…" She took another long swing on her bottle. "Everyone… is in high-spirits today..."

"Noisy as ever," he snorted.

"Were they always like this?" She angled her head to look up to the spotless ceiling. "Have they always been this anxious before an expedition?"

Levi glanced at her, his eyes telling her that the answer was obvious. "What do you think?" he sarcastically jabbed.

She smiled bitterly to herself at his response, "…I have been in the squad for a year, but I never knew how they felt until I observed them today..."

Levi said nothing but frowned, realizing he had said something wrong.

Ida wasn't one to openly express her emotions or wear her feelings on her sleeves, she always had a protective barrier around her. As if she was frightened of anyone knowing how she felt.

But in unguarded moments, Levi learned, he could still catch rare glimpses of her true feelings. But those moments were far and in between, though he had come to understand that she was an extremely sensitive and emotional person in those rare moments.

This was probably one of those moments where Ida had her guard down. As Levi watched her, he could see the depicted despair on her expression clearly and the agony in the depths of her emerald orbs.

"When I first came to the Corps, I avoided everyone and shunned them, preferring to keep to myself… That was pretty mean of me, wasn't it?"

Her grip on her bottle tightened. She wasn't expecting a response, she just wanted someone to listen.

"But the truth was… I was just afraid. I was afraid of becoming attached to someone. I was afraid of feeling that same pain that I felt when Wall Maria fell. I've seen so many people die, even back in the underground... I guess I just wanted to protect myself... And in the process of selfishly protecting myself, I had forgotten that people around me had feelings as well... They all... are human like me, they just don't want to die..."

Levi changed into a casual white shirt, replying her in a monotone, but offered her no consolation. "This is the Survey Corps, people die every time we depart on an exhibition beyond the walls, death is inevitable."

Ida chewed onto her lower lip, looking away. "Of course I know that, you midget bastard."

"Then why are you acting this way?" Levi asked sternly, turning his heel to glare at her. "You're a contradicting brat you know that? Saying that you don't want to get attached to people yet you make a big fuss over some necessary sacrifices."

Ida smiled sadly at his point, nodding her head and made no effort to conjure up a retort. She bought the liquor to her lips and downing a couple of mouthfuls.

Necessary sacrifice? So has mankind really fallen this far, so much so that it's necessary to sacrifice people?

Suddenly, she felt a lone tear stream down her cheek at that thought. Appalled, she touched her cheek, her eyes wide with wonder when she felt the wetness on her fingertips.

"Ida?" Levi frowned, stunned that she was crying.

The redhead was always so cocky and brave, never allowing herself to show any weakness. Levi never expected tears coming from someone like her; Ida Starke was stronger than this.

She, who never faltered or broke a tear when she saw comrades after comrades die, who remained apathetic and stoic despite the horrors happening around her — this was the first time Levi has ever seen her cry or look so vulnerable.

"Hah!" Ida grinned bitterly like she was amused with her tears that finally came after the emotional turmoil she experienced. "I'm still capable of crying like a normal person…"

Levi stilled his movements, and a tensed silence filled the air. The room was much dimmer with the curtains closed, and Ida could barely make out Levi's expression as he turned around. At first, she thought that there might be a frown on his face, but then she blinked, and the frown was replaced by the scowl he forever wore.

"Oi…" Levi started unhesitatingly in an uneasy voice. "Want to stay here tonight?"

Ida's eyes widen at his offer before he interjected sharply into her thoughts. "Whatever you're imagining, stop it, it's fucking creepy. And don't misunderstand, I'm just saying you can stay here and rant all the hell you want tonight. I just don't want to hear your piss poor crying down the shitty hallway, it's burdensome. You feel better when you're someone right?"

"...And stop crying, asswipe, it doesn't suit you," he added briskly, before idly lifting off the covers and slid into his bed, turning his back to her.

Ida drank the last of her liquor and walked towards the large double bed. Hesitating, she sat down on the bed, darting glances at his back.

No matter how much Ida tried to remain logical and detached, her actions were frightening honest that night – what Ida desired most at that moment was someone to depend on, someone to be around her, someone willing to hear her grievances.

And at that moment, Levi was the only one available.

A silence hung in the air as a new stillness filled the room. She held her gaze on his back, seeing his back rising and falling with each breath. It wasn't anything new, Levi would always face her back towards her whenever they shared a room.

"Hey Levi, can you turn around?" Ida inquired softly, tugging on his shirt.

"I don't want to see your damn face first thing in the morning."

"Fine," she huffed, moving to the bed and gingerly laying down beside him. Levi didn't say anything but she saw him stiffen, obviously uncomfortable, however, she paid it no mind. "I'm just going to lie down for a bit…"

She relished in the warmness emitting from him for a few minutes and sighed once more before she broke the comfortable silence.

"…You know, I killed my first man the very day Wall Maria fell…"

"It was after I took refuge in Wall Rose, the panic and chaos was massive that day, and everything was so disorientated… I knew no one, had no one, everyone I knew had died."

Ida went on in a low emotionless voice, unblinking as she stared up at the ceiling.

"I strayed a little too far from the refugee camp and was caught eventually by a stranger. He wanted to smuggle me to the underground city, to sell me to a brothel... I panicked at that moment, and stabbed him to death with a broken piece of glass."

She moved her arm up to cover her eyes, and her voice croaked. "…I just kept stabbing and stabbing the lifeless corpse until I grew tired… I — I didn't know what came over me — or who I was at that point… But when I realized what I had done, my hands were already tainted."

Ida moved slightly to glance at Levi's back, but he remained silent. "...But eventually, I was caught by his lackeys and brought to the underground city. For the next few years, I wandered aimlessly without a goal in subterranean city, doing odd jobs and almost everything and anything to survive. I killed, I stole, I fought — it was horrible… It was like I was living an endless nightmare."

A small smile touched her lips as she recounted her past. "Then… I joined the Surveys Corps…" her grip around his bedspreads tighten. "I honestly never… expected to be welcomed here... Or that I'd ever find a place that I belonged to…"

Her mind flashed back to the memories she had made with comrades and her stomach knotted. "But… slowly, and surely, I think I came to love this place and to appreciate the people here… No matter how unforgiving the roads we walked are, I think I found my place somewhere."

She laughed silently at her naïve words, wondering when she had even started to have such idealistic and naïve dreams but another question crossed Ida's mind, "Say Levi, I heard you lived in the underground city as a thug before you joined the Corps, was it hard for you as well?"

It was a question that had been bothering Ida ever since she found out from Petra, but she didn't see the need to bring it up, nor did she have the courage to ask him — but she supposed now would be a good time, she didn't really care anymore.

Ida could feel him tensed up uncomfortably and she bit her lips, wondering if she shouldn't have asked such a personal question. It was one thing that she respected in her strained relationship — Levi never inquired about her past, and neither did she.

But to her utmost surprise, Levi answered, "…You were from the underground, you should know what kind of shit that fucking place is…"

"Did you do horrible things to survive as well?"

"Isn't that the only way to survive?"

Tears started to prickle her eye, but she willed it to fade and turned over, pressing her face into his back. "I'm sorry…"

Levi answered her in his usual monotone. "…What for?"

"For my behavior... For my recklessness..." she answered in a heartbeat. "I'm… afraid of going outside the wall… I'm afraid of seeing my subordinates killed as a sacrifice. I... don't want to lose them, and I don't want to lose the Survey Corps — I just don't want to lose this sense of belonging that I've longed so much for… I don't want to lose everything again. It's selfish of me to think that, but... I can't help it."

Ida sniffled into his back, unable to contain back her overflowing emotions.

She bit back a choke-filled wail. "It's shameful and pathetic, isn't it? You must have noticed… How I can't even protect anyone or be of a significance to this world…"

"I just can't stand the fact that I am letting them die…" Ida sobbed into his back, unable steady her voice and it cracked. "Petra, Oluo, Eld, Gunther... The people who stood by me, fought with me and accepted and welcomed me... I can't let them die..."

"Are you still looking for a meaningful way to die?" Levi asked with much hesitation – he wasn't one to pry or to openly point out someone's emotions, but his curiosity won him over. "After all, that's the entire reason you joined the Survey Corps isn't it?"

Her eyes widen, peeling her face off his back. She assumed that he would elaborate more but to her surprise, nothing came but silence. "You're right, but not anymore... But how..."

She could almost see him frowning in irritation at her question.

"I suspected," he admitted. "You were a childish brat, recklessly charging at every Titan in your way despite being a newbie. You looked as though you were unafraid of everything. As if you were so gay to die, and that you didn't fear death — you looked like someone who had condemned herself to death, someone who wanted a way to escape."

Ida noted his perceptiveness, wondering how long he actually knew about it or how much he was actually studying her. But she smiledwryly, recalling her first expedition.

"…I don't want to escape from this world now… I guess along the way, I fell in love with being a soldier – to have duty, values and morals, to do something meaning for humanity, and find some worth in my existence… I grew to care for my comrades and to respect them.. I guess…" she closed her eyes, smiling. "…I'm learning to dream again."

Out of the blue, Levi flipped himself around to face her, and was almost taken aback but the calm and soft smile on her face — but it was a sad smile, a despaired smile.

"Have you forgotten why I kept you alive instead of shipping your brat ass off to the military police?" Levi deadpanned in a serious voice, looking like he was highly annoyed. "Don't run away. Fight and survive. But if you want an instant peace of mind, I'll kill you right now."

Ida opened her eyes, staring at his face. "…Would you?" she asked.

Levi frowned, debating if she was issuing him a challenge, but the look on Ida's face was of one that meant no harm.

"Tch." He clenched his jaw, realizing he wouldn't be able to pull through with it. "We… Survey corps soldiers have endured shit after shit — sometimes even if we have to explain simple things to shitty brats like you, we get irritated."

"I know that…" Ida down casted her eyes. "I guess I'm still an amateur after all, huh?"

A pregnant pause skipped between them, and Ida broke it to continue the conversation, "…How do you do it? How are you able to throw your humanity and sacrifice people like that? Petra, Oluo, Eld, Gunther... They know nothing about the mission… How can you gamble with their lives?"

Ida knew Levi cared for his subordinates, no one could deny that, and that was exactly why she couldn't wrap her head around his behavior.

"I don't know," Levi admitted, looking disturbed. "I'm just a weird person and I think it's because I've seen and been through so many fucked up and shitty scenarios in my life."

His tone grew darker, and so did his scowl. "You've seen what type of hell is waiting for us if the Walls should fall. I'm fine with playing the role of the heartless that would sacrifice my comrades because I would rather choose the guilt of shouldering the deaths of the people I know than the hell of being devoured by Titans. At least, that way, all of humanity wouldn't need to take part of it…"

Levi scoffed at his own words, wondering what was happening to him for him to say something like that.

"But then again, I guess my hands are already fucking tainted, so it doesn't make much of a damn difference."

She nodded softly, slowly understanding what he meant.

It's all for the greater good, she reminded herself, but Ida couldn't seem to accept that theory no matter how much she tried, and it was eating her inside because she knew had to.

"Tainted, huh?" she breathed, tears cascading down her porcelain face at that word. She buried her face into the pillows and continued to sob. "I guess that is what I'm now as well…"

"Tch, what kind of an idiot cries over something like this?" Levi grumbled sardonically, not liking that her tears were dampening his pillows but he kept his silence about it.

Truth was, he was secretly appalled by how she reacted – she looked so vulnerable and innocent, not like the formidable ruthless soldier he had seen in the hallways that morning. Deciding that it was better to leave her to be for now, he turned his back on her again.

Levi didn't know how long he stayed there, staring blankly at the wall as he waited for her sobbing to ease and for her to fall asleep.

Once he was certain that she had slept, Levi turned around, peering at her sleeping face. Her body heat felt nice and comforting, making him yearn to get some much deserved rest, but his thoughts were too troubling to ignore.

By now, Ida's face peaceful and calm, almost as if she wasn't bawling her eyes out minutes ago. Reaching out, he wiped the built up tears at the corner of her eyes and she stirred underneath his touch, causing him to snatch his hand back.

You're going to be just like me, huh? Levi thought bitterly as he watched her sleeping face. Shouldering your dead comrade's sacrifices in the name of a soldier's duty and continuing forward awhile the damn guilt slowly eats you from inside...

And eventually you will reach out and beg for someone to help you, but you'd find no one there to grab your hand and pull you up...

"Oi Ida… You won't abandon this shitty world would you?" Levi whispered hoarsely without thinking, not expecting her to respond.

"Of course I won't." Ida murmured back, opening one tired eye to look at him. He frowned at when she saw him smile softly at his stunned expression.

"Hey, hold my hand to sleep ok?" she whispered, unknowingly echoing Levi's somber thoughts just seconds ago. Closing her eyes, she snuggled into the pillow and sighed blissfully.

He hesitated for a long time, a very long time. But eventually, Levi slowly touched her hand that she had placed in the space between them. Her hands were warm and slightly calloused from years of holding weapons. Levi was shocked at how small and vulnerable they felt beneath his grasp.

Out of the blue, Ida felt his hands and grabbed them tighter, interlacing their fingers together.

Levi's frown deepened, and his eyes were dark. It was unusual of him to comply with a request like this, but somehow the whole night felt off — he didn't feel as annoyed as he expected himself to be. He felt rather calm actually.

He glared at their interlocked hands, his eyes hardening.

How fucking ironic, he thought cynically. Two tainted hands finding comfort in each other as a diversion to their sorrows.

Levi watched her breathing slowed down as she slowly drifted into sleep. Observing her, he thought about of the words he wanted to say.

That's right, Ida. No matter what, you have to choose life...

…that's because in your case, you have someone to hold on your hand and help you regardless of anything…

…You don't have to feel be alone in this like I did.

That is why you must live, no matter what….

Levi gripped her hand tighter and slowly closed his eyes, the warmth of her hands tickling into his palm.

…You won't leave me as well, will you?

o o o —xπ{Ö}πx — o o o

Awkwardness surrounded them like a thick veil that morning. Ida was already dressed in her beige uniform and had moved on to securing the belts around her legs and waist. She wanted to kick herself for actually falling asleep in her bed, but she was more surprised that Levi actually permitted it and didn't rudely wake her up until morning.

Occasionally she would throw Levi a fleeting glance ever so often, watching him go through his morning routine and in preparation for the expedition.

Ida was half-expecting Levi to taunt her about her pathetic state yesterday or reprimand her for intruding his room, but surprisingly, the Lance Corporal was uncharacteristically quiet today.

"Oi."

Ida gulped when she heard his voice, deciding to stay close to the door. At least there was a very slight chance of escape if things got violent that way.

Paralyzed with paranoid thoughts, Ida fidgeted nervously, "Yeah?"

"Pass me my cloak, it's by the door." Levi ordered in a stoic voice, and Ida eased up, relaxing when he didn't seem that mad.

She hooked the last of her belts and went pick up his cloak before going to where Levi was.

"Here."

Without even thinking, Ida subconsciously wrapped the cloak around him, missing Levi's frozen stature

She adjusted the cloak around him, securing it around him with a brown button at the base of his neck. She smooths the creases out on the shoulders, knowing that Levi always liked the prim and proper look.

"Done!" Ida broke into a little smile, pleased at her work.

When Levi kept his silence, Ida blinked looking up at her Captain to see him leveling his hard gaze on her. Oh shit. Blushing vividly, she gasped softly when she realized what she had done.

"Uhm..." She stammered, not knowing what she should do. Levi looked paralyzed from shock and Ida desperately thought of a way to ease the awkwardness.

So, she did the first thing that came in mind; Ida poked the space between his eyebrows, earning her an even sterner glare from him.

Crap! What the hell did I just do?! Instantly, she recoiled her hand back in horror, but it was too late.

"Ah! S — Sorry!" she quickly apologized. 'It — It's just that you're always frowning and I wanted to know if there's distance between your brows!"

Ida mentally kicked herself again for even doing such a thing and then going on to explaining why she did that; she always did stupid and embarrassing things whenever she's flustered.

Luckily for her, a loud knock on the door distracted them before Levi could say anything else.

Eren swung it open, seeing his two superiors surprisingly close to each other and an uncharacteristic blush on Ida's cheek. "Oh! I - I'm sorry, I didn't know you were here Ida-san..."

For once Ida was glad that the Titan brat was around, and she heaved out a sigh of relief when Levi went to address him.

"What do you want to say Eren?" Levi remained nonchalant, glowering at the poor boy.

Eren stiffened under his stern glare. "Commander Erwin is asking for all the members to the courtyard. They are distributing the gears and weapons for the expedition..."

He fidgeted nervously, wondering if he had interrupted at the wrong timing.

"We will be down soon." Levi told him firmly.

Quickly, Eren nodded his head vigorously and turned around to close the door, silently praying that his Captain wouldn't kill him for unknowingly interrupting his moment with Ida.

The two fell into a tense silence as the door closed, just looking at each other intensely as the awkwardness from before came crashing back between them.

Ida bit on her lips, thinking of what to say, and she opted to thanking him for accompanying her last night.

But when she opened her mouth, Levi coughed and turned his back on her. "Kids these days..." he grumbled, probably referring to Eren.

Levi started walking away towards the door. Ida scrambled to form coherent sentences in her mind, thinking that this was probably the best time to thank her fellow partner for all that he has done for her.

But Levi was already reaching towards the door, and Ida did the unthinkable out of the spur of the moment.

Running towards him, she wrapped her arms around his back, pulling him into a tight hug. "T — Thanks for yesterday!" she spat out quickly, clamping her eyes shut.

BAM!

Unfortunately for her, Ida was knocked backward when Levi instinctively spun around and kicked her in her shin.

Howling in pain, she clutched onto her throbbing shin and glared at him. "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR?!"

Levi's eyes widen a little, realizing what he had done. It was an instinctive action honed from years and years on the battlefield, he didn't really mean to attack her, he just wasn't used to someone hugging him like that.

"D — Don't go charging at people like that you stupid brat." His voice sounded uncharacteristically nervous. He hastily averted his gaze away and cleared this throat.

She opened her lips to throw back an acid retort but was stopped midway when Levi threw her a lollipop from his pocket.

"Here, you eat sweets before your battles right?" He stated in a low voice as Ida caught it before it hit her face. "I'm expecting your best performance today, don't go bawling around like a little brat and letting your emotions get the better of you. You're a veteran soldier so fucking act like one."

Ida looked at the candy in her hands and smiled softly, instantly feeling the weight of her burdens from yesterday lifting despite his insulting words.

"Oh, and Ida," Levi called out just before he exited the room. "Come back alive."

Her eyes widen at his words, a smile slowly blooming on her lips. She unwrapped the lollipop and popped it in her mouth.

"Is that a challenge you bastard?!" she called out in an obnoxious tone, rushing to keep up with him as he trekked further down the hallway.

Levi felt his lips twitch into a little smirk when he heard her from behind, pleased that she back to her usual self.

"Glad to know that your shitty bratty self is back," he grumbled sardonically.

"I heard that!" Ida finally reached him, slapping the back of his head.