Back at the Gracey Mansion cemetery, Jerry was introducing Azur to his historical friends. He gestured to Abe next.
"Abraham Lincoln was the 16th president of the United States of America. The country that you're standing in right now. He was in the office during the Civil War and he ended slavery. He was soon shot at the Ford's Theater by a man named John Wilkes Booth."
Abe shuddered at the memory. "It still haunts me every day."
He then pointed to Cleopatra. "Cleopatra VII was an Egyptian pharaoh queen from Ancient Egypt. She had an affair with Julius Caesar, a Roman emperor."
Cleopatra looked offended. "I DID NOT!" She then looked at herself into a mirror she was holding.
Everyone shook their heads at her antics.
"I am was king of Mycenae and led my army into the Trojan War." Agamemnon pointed to himself while striking a strong pose.
"Hush, you!" Queen Elizabeth spoke up with a stereotypical English posh voice. "I, Queen Elizabeth I, have ruled over the United Kingdom with an iron fist. Anyone who dares offend authority such as myself and I send them to the royal dungeon!"
Azur retorted. "Yes. My grandfather was king of the Danes who had an affair with a succubus." He said almost sarcastically.
Queen Elizabeth said with disbelief "Oh, really? You certainly don't look like one of royal blood." She pointed her scepter at him.
"Don't have to be. And I'm not." Azur said back.
William Shakespeare cleared his throat then said with a theatrical performance. "I us'd to be h'r majesty's court ent'rtain'r. To what to I oweth the pleasure so seeth such a wond'rful, divideth creature such as thou?" Azur was confused at what he was saying.
"I am Azur. And I don't really do theater." He said nervously.
Shakespeare spoke again. "F'r sooth. I am truly pleas'd to meeteth the son of the one they call'd Grendel." He gave a bow.
"You know my dad?" Azur asked.
"Marry. Ev'ry spirit hath ways of sneaking private eyes around ev'ry c'rn'r of the ordinary. To be 'r not to be. That is the questioneth." He said his famous phrase from his play Hamlet while holding a skull. Babe Ruth suddenly grabbed the skull and with one swing of his bat, smacked it at a far distance. Shakespeare shot him an annoyed glance "Really?" Babe shrugged.
"I was the pitcher of the New York Yankees baseball team. And the very best one too." Babe gloated. Al Capone slapped him across the cheek. Babe held his cheek and glared at Capone.
"Capone was a gangster in Chicago who turned Valentine's Day into a nightmare." Capone huffed and spoked with a Brooklyn accent. "Youse still a little pissed about dat, eh? Look, me and ma' boys had an important date with our rivals. It was every scumbag for 'imself." He defended himself.
Abe introduced Pocahontas. "Pocahontas here was a Virginia Indian during the Colonial times. A group of British settlers came to her land to build the English settlement of Georgetown named after King George himself. Until, John Smith befriended her and she saved him from the hands of her father, Chief Powhatan."
Pocahontas smiled. "Take it from me, it's not easy being dead." Azur nodded. Suddenly, the school bell tones rang.
"Sounds like next period. I'll see you all tomorrow."
Azur left the cemetery, stepping over the tombstones and passing through the ghosts, literally. A chorus of goodbyes rang from the ghost group.
Hours later, he approached his next period class, Spanish. Inside the classroom, there were signs and posters all in Spanish which Azur did not understand and everything was authentically Mexico and Aztec-themed. A flash of mist zipped by Azur and landed in front of him. A middle-aged, pale woman appeared in front of him. She had large curly black hair in a ponytail, a red Spanish dress with yellow petals around her waist, two golden flowers in her hair, Day of the Dead makeup on her face and a sombrero with flowers, skulls hanging from it. Azur stood dwarfing her with his gargantuan size.
The lady spoke to him in Spanish "Hola, nuevo estudiante! Estoy Nuestra Señora de la Santa Muerte. Y voy a ser su profesor de español este año. ¿Estás emocionado?" Jack just stared, not understanding a word she just said.
She chuckled. "That's Spanish. The language and culture you will be learning this period. I am Mrs. Santa Muerte."
Azur replies with a not-so-happy tone. "Lucky me" Then he went over and sat down in his seat. He looked to his left and saw María. She looked at him, gave him smile and waved daintily at him.
"I saw you at the pool." María smirked "Yes, you did. I am María de la Santa Muerte. I'm her daughter." She gestured to La Muerte. "Her full name is Nuestra Señora de la Santa Muerte. That's Spanish for "Our Lady of the Holy Death."
Santa Muerte overheard this. "You are quite right, mija." She explained to Azur "I am a Spanish folk spirit representing death. I am associated with healing, protection and safe delivery to the afterlife by my devotees." She smiled.
"If only my daughter dated someone else besides that Alejandro boy. He seems like a sweet boy, but I want someone to grant me sophisticated grandchildren." She joked.
María hid her face to hide her embarrassment.
"Mama! Please." She whined. Her mother snickered and went to the chalkboard as class started.
María whispered to Azur "Mothers, right?"
"Buenos noches, students."
The class said back "Buenos noches, Mrs. Santa Muerte."
Santa Muerte lectured "Welcome to Español!" She grinned. "For some of you who don't know Spanish, well that's why you're here. And that we have a new student here today. What's your name?" She asked.
Azur said "Azur."
"And where are you from?" She asked.
"Denmark." He answered. Santa Muerte's eye grew wide.
"Who are your parents?" She asked suspiciously.
"Cailleach Bheur and Grendel." Everyone, including María and Santa Muerte.
"Dios mío." She was surprised by this. "We never knew that Grendel had a son."
Azur stayed quiet.
"Well, anyway. I'm going to have you all listen to some Spanish songs on this radio." She pointed to an old radio. She put in a record. A loud scratching noise was heard, making Azur cringe from the loud noise.
Then, like the clap of thunder, loud, annoying Spanish music roared throughout the classroom, assaulting Azur's poor eardrums. While everyone else in the room listened on, Azur clutched his ears and screamed in agony. Santa Muerte noticed and quickly shut the music off. Azur calmed down the instant the music was off.
She asked "Is something wrong?" Azur was on the verge of tears.
"I, uh...have very delicate hearing. Loud noises hurt me."
Santa Muerte's maternal instincts kicked in and was shocked.
"I'm sorry. I didn't know. Does it hurt now?" She asked, coming over to examine him.
"My ears are still ringing from the loud noise attack." Azur tried to chill out his ringing eardrums.
Santa Muerte said "Forgive me for that. I'll try to keep the volume down." María gave him a look of confusion.
As class continued, María was partnered up with Azur to help him understand and learn some Spanish words and sentences.
"Mexico is the place where I was born. There are some Spanish words and sentences that you'll learn this year. Let's start with this. "Tengo un cacahuete".
Azur sighed.
"Repetición." She said, but Azur sat in silence.
María frowned. "That means repeat what the sentence I said."
The language was foreign to him and the sentence didn't seem that hard and he did as he was told, with some complications. "Tengo...un...c-cacahuente."
"Muy bien. That means "I have a peanut". Tengo un cacahuete."
Azur sighed again, bored.
"Now lets try this. "Hola, es muy agradable conocerte". That means, "Hello, it's very nice to meet you."
"What is going on out there?" He groaned as he threw his head back and face palmed.
Just then, a calaca boy sits near María who has wavy black hair and wearing 1800's Spanish clothing.
He says to her "Hey, María."
She smiles up at him and kisses him on the cheek.
"Azur, this is my boyfriend Alejandro De Le Fuente. Alejandro, this is Azur, the new monster. The son of Grendel."
Alejandro's eyes widened. "Unbelievable."
"Believe it." said Azur.
María laughs. "Alejandro is a son of a Day of the Dead skeleton. Day of the Dead is a Mexican holiday focuses on gatherings of family and friends to pray for and remember friends and family members who have died, and help support their spiritual journey. Manolo would go across the spirit realm just to be with me." She rest her head on Manolo's chest.
"Her biological father, a lord of Xibalba, cursed her as a baby when her mother left him." Alejandro explained.
María added "And every year as I grew up on the Day of the Dead, the spirits of the dead would walk the Earth temporarily until the day was out. If I matured, then my curse would be lifted."
Azur asked "Are you like the princess of the dead or something?" María nods.
"Sí. Well, sort of. My mother rules a purgatory I like to call the Beyond."
Azur asked "Do you think maybe I could see this place if it's possible?"
María ponders this.
"Well, I'll talk to Mama about it."
Okay, so Spanish was going to take some getting used to. Azur opened the doors to next period, Science. Inside, it was a large, dusty old science laboratory. He sat down next to the Frankenstein brothers, there was a boy messy chestnut hair named Isaac Myers. Hanging from the ceiling on a massive row of spiderwebs was Wenquian, but her lower half was the body of a black spider, she had three smaller eyes above both her original eyes and they were all black. Next to her was a half-human, half-spider girl with brown hair tied in a ponytail, eight red eyes, brown blazer and a light pink strapless top. She also had a spider body on her lower half. And in her mouth, she had sharp canines. Leif was there, too.
Frederick caught Jack's attention. "Hey, new guy."
Azur looked at him. "Have you ever heard of Smosh?" Azur shook his head.
Ulrich rolled his eyes. "Not this again."
Frederick said in defense "Hey! I have interests, too! It's a funny comedy duo. Lots of crazy, messed-up shit."
Ulrich droned out "I can say the same about your head."
Marcel said to his older brother. "Oh, Ulrich." Frederick took out his iPad and pulled up a video.
"Here's a video of them doing something educational, but completely stupid." He showed Azur the video that said 'HOW TO SURVIVE A BURGLARY'. At the very beginning, a stray paint can sprays a blue word 'SMOSH'. Sirens were heard, followed by a "Shut up!".
It starts from inside a house from the front door, which in pops a man dressed in black and donning a ski mask. He was carrying a black bag and a yellow bat of some sort. He was cackling as he was took some random stuff from a shelf and into the bag which said 'Stolen Stuff'. Suddenly, a man dressed a policeman appears in front of him with a fake mustache. He says to the viewers "Look at this little crime-commiting dirtbag burglar. He just broke into your house and now he's gonna burgle the heck out of it." He then disappears. A young man holding a phone enters the room and upon seeing the burglar robbing his house, he screams in terror. As he screamed, the burglar walks up to him and smacks him in the face with the bat.
The scene cuts to the policeman who says "And now you're dead. All because you were a dum-dum."
Azur looked as he showed his hand which had long pink fingernails. This confused him.
The cop continued "But don't worry, there's a solution. My name is Sergeant Anous. And I'm gonna teach you how to survive a home burglary." His smile glistened. Scene cuts to him sitting on the same guy who was murdered. "Let's go." He stood up and a small, faint fart noise is barely heard. "There are two (hold up two fingers) fool-proof ways to avoid being bat murdered by a burglar. Burglars always hate being killed. (close-up) Here's a weapon you can make using items found in any household."
Cut to the burglar walking creepily up to the man with the bat.
Anous instructed "Simply take some PVC pipe." The guy was taking out said objects as the burglar closed in on him. "A nitrous oxide canister. A valve from massive steam-operated machinery. Duct tape. And a butternut squash." The guy tapes them all together as best he could. "Then you tape it all together and BAM! You're ready for action, bucko." However, as the guy tried to use it as the burglar got closer, the squash just fell to the floor in front of him.
Azur was more confused. "That didn't make any sense."
Frederick shushed him and Ulrich shook his head at his ignorant brother. Unknown to them, the brunette spider girl was hanging from the web string next to them, watching as well.
The burglar picked up the squash and smacked the guy in the face with it. Big, bold letters 'BUTTERNUT SQUASH'D!' appeared on the screen after this and an announcer shouted out the words.
Cut to Anous drinking from a glass of milk. He spits it out as he is talking. "And if that doesn't work, you could always try my next method: tire them out." The burglar is chasing the guy around a dining room table. Anous shows up again with bushy eyebrows. "However, if this doesn't work if you're lazy or morbid obese quadriplegic." The guy is sitting in a chair wearing a rainbow shirt and no arms or legs. He try to run from the burglar, but fails, only to fall face-first on the floor. The burglar chuckles then beats him with the bat. The announcer shouts "BAT MURDERED'D!"
Cut to inside a mailbox. Anous opens it and stick his face in. "Well, let's say none of those options work. In that case, you need to stop that burgling burglar from getting into your house and burgling it in the first place." He tries to get out, but gets stuck. The guy walks up to the door and Anous appears behind him. "And in this case, we use the rule of Always Silently Shut Doors In Case of Kleptomaniacs. Or ASSDICK for short." He tousles to guy's hair. "You'd be surprised how many people don't think about ASSDICK. I think about ASSDICK all the time." He disappears. The guy shuts the door. Anous appears again. "Now there's a man that knows his ASSDICK." He disappears again. The guys tries this but fails. After two more tries, same result.
Ulrich rolled his eyes again at the stupid video.
Anous is shown painting a self-portrait of himself. "If ASSDICK doesn't work for you, you have only one option left: dress as a burglar yourself." He licks some red paint and tastes it. "Not bad." He said.
The idiotic humor to the video agitated Ulrich to no end. He slapped his hand on his face, groaning.
The guy does as Anous instructed. The burglar comes in and is confused when he sees him. "Huh? What the hell?" He exclaimed. This worked for once and the burglar prepares to leave. Unfortunately, Anous steps in his way, pointing his gun at them, believing them both to be actual burglars. "Stop right there, you burgling burglars!" The guys says "No! No, I was just posing as a burglar like you told me to." The burglar said "And I'm just dressing like a burglar like you told me to." Unconvinced, Anous demands "Prove it! Take off your masks!" They did. The guy says "See?" But the still-unconvinced and dim-witted cop spoke "I can't tell two apart! All you white people look the same!" The guy tries to knock some sense into the delusional policeman. "What? We look nothing alike!" The cop shouted "BULL[bleep]!" He began to shoot at him repeatedly in different poses; wagging his finger at him, from the side, with his back turned to him and holding the gun to his butt and, for some odd reason, from his eyes. The guy drops dead just he stops shooting him. Anous laughed. "That burgling scum is off the streets for good. But just to make sure.." He shoots at the guy again. The cop goes to celebrate with the burglar and tells him that he keeps his life savings in his wallet.
'Worst mistake ever', Ulrich thought.
Then the burglar started clubbing Anous on the head as Anous dramatically cries in pain and collapses on the floor. The burglar takes his wallet saying that he was rich and leaves the house, laughing evilly. Anous tries to post a photo of himself dying from bat murder on Instagram. After he dies, the narrator says that he got only 2 likes. Both were from his mom. The photo that he took appears on the screen with the announcer shouting "#Crayolo!" Then the video ends.
Frederick looks at him expectedly. Azur deadpans. "You're weird."
Ulrich quips "That's what I've said before." Azur looks to his right and becomes face-to-face with the spider girl having upside down.
"Hello." She greeted Azur who yelped and jumped, startled.
The girl apologizes "Sorry! I'm sorry. I do that sometimes. I'm Beth Remington. And I couldn't overhear you guys watching an ugly Smosh video."
Frederick exclaimed "They're funny! Why doesn't anyone else think so?"
Marcel says "Fred, it involves crude humor." Beth nodded in agreement. Wenquian lowers from the ceiling next to her.
"Hey, Azur! You're here too? Awesome! I'm into chemistry myself." Azur look at her in shock. Wenquian notices this.
"Oh, this?" She gestures to her spider body. "This is my true form. Like I said before, I'm a jorōgumo. Half-woman, half spider. Beth, here, is the daughter of a weaver who was turned into a spider by the Greek goddess, Athena."
Beth glared and crossed her arms, growling under breath. "That bitch! Why did you have to bring her up?"
Frederick added "Well, she's a goddess and gods can do anything."
"That make me feel better." She then smiles, looking on the bright side. "But it's awesome like this. You know, sometimes it's good to have a big butt."
Frederick corrects "That's your abdomen." Beth looks annoyed. "Well, it's still funny to me!"
Class then started and the two spider girls climbed back up to the ceiling. Standing in front of the long chalkboard was an elderly man in a lab coat. He had shoulder-length white hair with a scraggly white beard. He spoke in a raspy English accent which sounded like he was about to have a stroke.
"Welcome to Science class, students. I am Dr. Victor Frankenstein." He gestured to his name written on the board. "I see that my three grandsons are here with us today." He looked over at the trio. Marcel, Frederick and Ulrich."
Dr. Frankenstein continues "We stall learn the basics of science, anatomy, resurrection and dissection."
Azur looked disgusted at this.
"We're just humans. Me, my brothers and our grandpa." Ulrich whispered to him. "We're only here because he created a monster."
The lesson proceeded. There weren't any words to describe how disgusted Azur when he learned that they dissect frogs here. Moments later, Dr. Frankenstein was talking about science and all that stuff, amazing Azur. They were then told to practice chemistry in different groups. Azur stuck with Wenquian, Isaac, Beth and the Frankensteins. Azur was reading from a science book, not understanding anything, but he only needed to keep himself from getting bored. He began to wonder why his mother wanted him to have an education here at this academy.
"Okay, so how is this done?" He asked.
Wenquian giggled as she then explained "Chemistry isn't really just mixing chemicals, it's also a fun way of learning science. Hey, let me show you a little project of mine."
Ulrich sighed. "Not this again." Wenquian set up her set of beakers and test tubes. She had a maniacal grin on her face. She began mixing chemical substances on her set with the help of her spider legs. The Frankensteins duck under the table once she got out the blowtorch and used it. She puts a nozzle on the finished project and takes it over to a giant tungsten carbine ball and sprays all around it. She pulls a nearby switch which magnetically draws the spray to the ball making it completely yellow.
"Amazing, right?" She exclaimed to the Azur and the group. Azur blinked, while the others were just bored. They've seen this before over and over again. Wenquian is always trying to impress other students with there achievements.
"What color is that?" Azur finally asked.
"Why, it's yellow!" Wenquian squealed, then crawled up to the ball. "Watch this." She pokes the ball with one finger, causing it to explode in a cloud of yellow dust.
"Wow!" Azur was amazed.
"Tell me about it!" Wenquian replied.
Frederick clapped sarcastically while Isaac comments "Not bad, Wenquian. For the 13th time."
He plopped his head down on the table. Ulrich quips sardonically "If there's ever a good time to play with shitty toys during work hours, send me a goddamn postcard."
Wenquian glared at him for that. "Oh, you guys are such party poopers." She complained.
Voice cast:
John Rhys-Davies as Abraham Lincoln
Idina Menzel as Cleopatra VII
Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson as Agamemnon
Emma Thompson as Queen Elizabeth I
Roger Moore as William Shakespeare
Billy Crystal as Babe Ruth
Matthew McConaughey as Al Capone
Tonantzin Carmelo as Pocahontas
Esperanza Roy as Mrs. Nuestra Señora de la Santa Muerte
Diego Boneta as Alejandro De Le Fuente
Chris Pine as Ulrich Frankenstein
Emjay Anthony as Marcel Frankenstein
Ophelia Lovibond as Beth Remington
Peter Capaldi as Dr. Victor Frankenstein
Ben Schnetzer as Isaac Myers