Not only does the title refer to the fact that nobody's having any fun, it is also a pun on Knott's Berry Farm. ;) Also, I never expected this chapter to be so long, especially since I thought this would be one of my shorter stories. Hope you all enjoy!
Not Very Fun
"Great idea Tony," Clint scoffed. "Suggesting a trip to Coney Island at the start of December, when 34 degrees is the high of the day!"
Tony shrugged. "How was I supposed to know how cold it was going to be?"
"The weather channel, the many thermometers in the Tower, looking out the windows - "
"Yeah yeah yeah yeah," Tony waved him off. "Well nobody told you to dress in your swim trunks and a tank top. And wear sandals…and put a white stripe of suntan lotion on your nose…and bring a boogie board."
Clint waved him off. "The only good thing about this is that nobody is stupid enough to come this time of the year."
"Exactly!" Tony exclaimed, raising his arms. "We have the entire place to ourselves!"
Clint rolled his eyes. "You are so missing the point."
"No, you are missing my point," Tony retorted.
Clint sighed. Attempting to reason with Tony was like trying to slam a revolving door: some things are just impossible.
"Come on, we're here now. Let's just try to have some fun!" Tony hoped some of him enthusiasm would rub off on the others, who were just standing there watching them argue. "Okay, how's this: We split up and see if we find something we like. If not, we meet here again in 20 minutes and I buy us all Hot Chocolate…in Switzerland."
The fact that they might be served hot chocolate in the place that's best known for their chocolate got everybody's attention. Soon enough, they all agreed that that deal sounded fair.
They had all split up in search of a game they may or may not like. Tony smirked. Any problem could be solved by the promise of something good coming after something displeasant, or as it was called, bribery. Yes, any problem could be solved by bribery.
Natasha had found a game which involved shooting at moving targets, aptly called the Shooting Gallery. An array of targets were setup and as an added challenge, they would be moving in vertical, horizontal, and even diagonal directions. It wouldn't be even close to a challenge, but it would at least pass the time. 5 shots for $1. You hit five targets, you win a prize. "Easy," she smirked. Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! When she lowered the gun, she noticed only 4 targets were splattered with paint. Her eyes narrowed. No way was she going to take that from a bunch of stupid, plastic targets. She didn't care what it cost her; she was going to hit all 5 no matter what.
)()(
After winning every available Skee Ball challenge, Dart throws, and Ring Tosses, getting the highest prize available of course, Clint decided to search for Tony, in hopes of pairing up with him. He had over 400 tickets and wanted to rub it in Tony's face…unless Tony had more tickets. Then he was going to knock him down and take his – Oof! While distracted in his devious thoughts, he had actually bumped into Tony.
Speak of the devil. "Tony!" Clint exclaimed with faux enthusiasm. "I was just thinking about you."
Anything time Clint "thinks about me", it's usually regarding some act of embarrassment he plans to hold against me. Tony gave him a suspicious look. "Really?"
"Yeah, friend. I was thinking we could combine our total ticket amount to get the best prize here."
Tony thought about it. "That actually makes sense. So, how many did you get?"
"Over 400," Clint bragged. "How many did you get?"
"Over 1000!" Tony grinned.
Clint practically did a spit take despite not having anything to spit. "How is that even possible?!"
"Wearing the Iron Man suit while doing the ball toss guarantees that all of the bottles will drop."
"Oh yeah, I forgot when I worked at the carnival they rigged all the games," Clint remarked.
Tony blinked in surprise. "They rig the games at carnival too?"
Clint nodded. "Especially at carnivals. But they pretty much rig the games in any carnival-type setup too."
Tony shook his head. "That's sad, no wonder why people drink. Speaking of…" Tony glanced around to make sure no other team members were nearby. "I stored some fresh cotton candy 'Comic-Con style' in the suit."
"You did what?" Clint hissed. "Didn't you promise Nat you wouldn't touch a drop of alcohol while you were here?"
Tony nodded. "Which is exactly why I mixed it into the cotton candy like last time; I'm keeping my promise of letting the liquor touch my tongue, but I'm still getting drunk. Semantics," he winked.
"Which branch?"
Tony shrugged. "Pick one; they're all practically the same anyway."
"Well where's the suit?" Clint looked around. "I don't see it anywhere."
"I decided to follow Harley's advice and build a stealth suit, complete with retro reflective panels."
"Who's Harley?" Clint questioned.
"You don't follow me on twitter?"
Clint shook his head.
To say Tony was taken aback would be an understatement. "Well I don't even feel like sharing any with you now."
)()(
Thor meanwhile took to strolling around the park himself, glancing around at various activities and games. One in particular stood out as it involved people taking a hammer and hitting things with it.
Clint whacked Tony on the arm and pointed towards Thor walking towards the Strongman game. "This is going to be so good," he announced taking out his S.H.I.E.L.D. recording device, thanking the Gods they were in that same area.
Thor approached the Strongman activity. "You are the guard for this Midgardian High Striker smashing festivity, correct?"
The carnie nodded. "Any you sir, what is your name?"
"Thor Odinson."
"Ah, Norse eh?" The man joked. "Where you from?"
"Asgard, realm of the heavens."
The carnie looked slightly taken aback at that response.
"Tell me this carnie man, how does one play this particular game?" Thor asked.
"You just strike this lever as hard as you can to make the puck hit the bell. If you do, then you win a grand prize."
Thor nodded, deep in concentration. "I see. What is the prize if I do make the puck strike the bell?"
"Any one of these." The man gestured to an array of stuffed animal plushes ranging from Tigers, to Pandas, and even including a 10-foot long snake.
Thor grinned. This would be too easy. "I would suggest standing back then, friend carnie." Unhooking his hammer from the clip on his armor, he raised it up high, summoning the lightning from the sky itself. Storm clouds circled around that game as thunder boomed and lightning struck Mjolnir, charging it before bringing down upon the lever, smashing it as hard as he could.
The puck flew up and did indeed strike the bell…and smashed through it, flying upwards, straight through the Exosphere. Lightning then came down, completely obliterating the tower and destroying the base, splintering the wood into thousands of pieces before they themselves were completely disintegrated.
Thor calmly attached the hammer back into place before addressing the carnie again. "So, what prize have I won?"
The man, who was now literally shaking in his boots, gulped nervously. "A-a-anyone you want," he pointed.
Clint and Tony fist-bumped as a new video was added to YouTube. "I predict 1 million views in 3 hours," Tony declared.
At that moment, Pepper walked up in search of the Wonder Wheel when she nearly bumped into Thor.
"Friend Potts!" Thor exclaimed. "Look what I won for you!" He held out a 2 foot tall stuffed rabbit. Its fur was light-brown, with a tan-ish stomach, exactly like the rabbit Tony had given Pepper at Christmas.
"Sorry you wasted your prize on that, Point Break. As I recall she doesn't really like rabbits," Tony said, walking over whilst shooting her a look.
Pepper shot him a look back. "Actually, I like rabbits very much," she smiled, taking it from him. "Thank you very much Thor, that was sweet of you."
Thor nodded. "Think nothing of it Lady Pepper. Now, can you help me find this Wheel of Wonder? It sounds most elaborate."
"I'm actually headed there now. Want to join me?"
Thor smiled then nodded. "Sounds like fun!"
As they both now made their way to the Wonder Wheel, Tony stood there dumbfounded. "What…? It…? Why…?"
"It's all about size Tony," Clint walked up next to him. "Pepper may not want a 30 foot one, but a 2 foot one may be just right. Despite what they say, bigger is not always better."
Tony was about to say something about that bigger comment, but stopped when he realized Clint had mentioned the rabbit he had gotten Pepper for Christmas. "How did you know about…?"
Clint held up his phone. Tony was now being followed by 20 billion and 1 people.
"You're following me, you're actually following me! I could cry." Tony mocked whipping away a tear. "I'm so proud…FWI, you're going to get updated so many times throughout the day now, just thought I should warn you. Selfie!" Tony struck a pose next to Clint before taking a picture. "By the way," Tony started while typing. "Did you know that selfie has been recognized as an official word now?" He shook his head. "What's this world coming to?"
Clint was about to say something when his phone buzzed. Taking it out, he found himself staring the picture Tony had just taken with the message: Hanging at Coney Island like a boss. #IronHawk.
Clint rolled his eyes. "You are waaay too meta for your own good."
"Nah, I'm more of a pop-culture referential man than a meta humorist."
Clint shrugged. "Six of one, half a cup full."
"Like that! You just combined those two phrases. That's something I would do! Are you stealing my shtick?" Tony accused.
"I just want you to stop spouting meta one-liners and find the damn suit so we can have some freaking cotton candy!" Clint all but screamed.
Tony put his hand on Clint's shoulder. "I've finally broken you, haven't I?" Clint's silence spoke volumes. "…I'm going to tweet that."
)()(
"You know, I wonder where Steve is," Clint thought aloud, munching on some cotton candy.
"Oh yeah, he is the only one of which we have idea where he is or what he's doing," Tony concurred. "Natasha too now that I'm thinking about it."
"So whadousay we go search for them 'fore Herculer…Hercales… the special drink affects us any more?" Clint suggested, using a wall to help balance himself.
Tony nodded, wobbling up. "Sounds good to me Aaron Brandt." He paused. "I have no idea where that name came from. Just lemme send the suit back to the Tower first." He took out his remote control and pressed the middle button, turning it on and making it visible.
"Why not just keep it here and invisible?" Clint questioned. Even drunk as he was that seemed pretty smart.
"Because it's getting late and if hoodlums can rip off the jaguar from a Jaguar car, I don't want to see what they can do to my suit." While Clint questioned that logic, Tony flicked the suit's helmet. "Yo J.A.R.V.I.S., you up?"
"For you sir, always."
"Good. I need you to take the Mark 52, a.k.a. Ghost, home."
"Very well sir. Shall I stop at a car wash first, making sure he looks his best for when nobody will see him?"
Tony thought about it. "Sure, why not?"
)()(
With the suit now safely back at the Tower, the Drunk Duo now made their way throughout the games, searching for the Star Spangled Man with a Plan and the Black Widow.
"Hey, I see Widow at the Shooting Gallery."
Clint shook his head. "That's not the Shooting Gallery, that's the, oh wait, that IS the Shooting Gallery. The sign looked it said Pinmugoh Hakkrsx…or Otoisal Ghernlyr…I think being drunk makes me dyslexic."
"Don't worry, you get drunk enough, you get used to it, and soon enough you'll be seeing with 20/10 vision even when you're drunk." Tony patted his shoulder.
Clint blinked. "That doesn't exactly reassure me."
"Yeah well the truth rarely does," Tony replied nonchalantly. "I'll leave you with your thoughts while I check on our favorite assassin." Tony walked up to her but stopped suddenly.
"Leave now before I start shooting at you instead of these targets," Natasha threatened. What was truly scary was that she hadn't even turned around. Tony wondered how many times she had said that before he had walked up, before realizing that it was probably only that one time. She was just that good.
"Well, Natasha's doing what she does best: shooting things," Tony reported back to Clint. "Now all that remains is finding our big blue boyscout."
"Well…we've come from the left side of the park and made our way through every nook and cranny along the way, so there's absolutely no way he's on that side," he inhaled. "So he must be on this side, to the right," Clint deduced.
"Nice!" Tony slapped Clint on the back. "Finally putting that S.H.I.E.L.D. training to good use. You're actually using it for important things."
Clint raised an eyebrow. "So the Battle of New York wasn't important?"
Tony marched on, ignoring the question fearful that someone might take his response out of context.
They passed several other games including Darts, the Ring Toss, and Skeet Ball which Clint was quick to point out that he had gotten the highest mark for all of them.
Turning to another aisle, they were surprised to see Thor furiously smashing at the Whack-a-Mole game.
"Ah! Friends Tony and Clint!" Thor exclaimed upon seeing them. "You are just in time to see my victory over this annoying species called 'mole'."
"That great and all Thor, but weren't you supposed to go with Pepper to the Wonder Wheel?" Tony questioned.
Thor nodded. "Aye. But riding it once was enough for me, especially upon noticing this activity high in the sky. Pepper said she didn't mind if I left to play this game after."
Thor gave the mole one final strike, destroying the entire machine. Tickets flew in the air like streamers. "Success!" Thor exclaimed, raising his hammer triumphantly.
Tony snapped a picture before patting Thor on the arm. "Nice moves Point Break. Don't suppose you've seen Spangles anywhere near here?"
Thor nodded. "I have indeed seen the Captain." Thor pointed to the left of the guys. "Friends Rogers is on the bumpers cars. Has been for hours."
"Thanks Thor!" Tony called out as he ran in the direction Thor pointed.
Thor waved before bending down to collect his tickets as Clint ran after Tony.
"Why'd you run away like that?" Clint asked once he finally caught up with Tony.
"Are you kidding me? Captain Stars and Stripes is riding the bumpy-bump cars and you expect me to walk over there?" Tony's face read that Clint was a moron. "Now I kind of wish I hadn't have that cotton candy, it's making me feel sluggish."
Clint had a witty retort locked and loaded, but paused when his phone buzz. He opened it up to see the picture of Thor posing with the message: Whacking moles…like a boss! #GodOfThunderPWNAGE.
Clint gave Tony a look.
"What? I warned you you would get a lot of updates from me. Now cmon," Tony motioned. "I need video of this."
Tony ran up beside the arena to discover, to his disappointment, that Steve actually knew what he was doing on this game. In fact, it seemed like he was winning. He dodged whenever somebody tried to bump him, then immediately countered with his own powerful bump. His last hit sent the other car skidding all the way across the rink. Steve grinned.
"You got some sweet moves," Tony shouted, entering the rink.
"Thanks," Steve replied. "I was never allowed to ride these before the experiment. I wasn't tall enough to. But now…I'm having the time of my life!"
Tony grinned getting in one of the while Clint got in another one. "Then how 'bout a challenge?"
Steve grinned back. "Two against one?"
"Or a 3-way melee free for all?" Clint suggested.
On some unspoken sign, all three cars took off in full speed, a ferocious intent in all three combatants' eyes.
Tony rounded the arena while Clint and Steve took off after him. Pulling a hard left, he quickly sped away in the opposite direction forcing Clint and Steve to pull apart, whipping fast u-turns in an attempt to catch up. Tony pulled another hard left to find Steve quickly oncoming towards him, with Clint on his tail. He grinned, and served so that he quit turning and was now heading straight, narrowly avoiding Steve's car.
Steve's head whipped backwards, watching as Tony drove by unscathed. He would have to do something about that. Preparing to turn himself, he glanced up to realize Clint was coming in hot on Tony's heels and realized that Tony was better at this than he had originally assumed. He grimaced, preparing for what would come next.
Clint and Steve collided into each head-on, going the full speed the bumper cars allowed. Their cars spun around trying to compensate for what had just happened. Tony watched it all, gleefully chuckling at his teammate's expense.
When their cars stopped spinning they had lined up right next to each other. Steve looked at Clint to see him rubbing his head. He then cracked his neck before glancing at Steve. "What'd you say we do your 2 against 1 idea, tag-team and take him down?"
Steve nodded. "Sounds like a plan."
Eyeing Tony they both took off again, with his car in their sights. Tony zoomed off again, making a sharp left.
Steve's car just clipped the rear of Tony's car, but it was just enough to turn it so that Tony was facing oncoming danger. Uh-oh.
Clint's car slammed into the front of Tony's, with enough force to send it skidding backwards, even though Tony had both feet on the brake pad. "Payback time!" Clint grinned.
"Not this time!" Tony had managed to shake Clint free, before putting the car in reverse and backed up, out of the way.
Clint tried to brake, but it was too late as he slammed into the side of the arena. He groaned. Touché.
Still riding backwards, Tony grinned as he slammed into the side of Steve's car, catching him completely by surprise.
"Dang…I had something clever for this," Tony muttered as he continued to slam Steve into the other side, before driving off. "Something to do with numbers…"
Clint, who had recovered, pulled up next to Steve. "This is harder than I expected."
Steve nodded. "Tell me about it. Wait…I see an opening."
Indeed there was. Tony was too busy thinking about his quip and seemed to forget where he was.
"Now!" Clint cried.
Both cars took off full speed at their oblivious teammate.
"It had something to do with numbers…" Tony mused.
"Hey! Tony!" He heard them call out. Glancing up, his eyes widened to see both cars mere feet away from him and getting closing at a very fast speed.
He gulped. "Oh boy."
Clint and Steve both rammed into Tony, slamming his car straight into – and over – the rinks lining to prevent cars from leaving. Tony's bounced a bit before slowing to a halt. He blinked a few time in confusion. "I don't think that's supposed to happen."
Clint smirked. "And who said you were anything if not astute?"
Tony shrugged. "Di Vinci is pretty good."
"Can it still drive?" Steve asked.
Tony pressed the gas pedal and got lurched backward due to the force of speed. He grinned. "And then some!"
"Well hurry up and get it back in here," Steve anxiously glanced around. "I don't want to get in trouble."
"Um…nope! I was thinking joyride instead. Anyone want to join me?"
Clint shook his head. "I just wanted to ride some rides and not get in trouble today. Is that too much to ask?"
Steve pointed to Clint. "We he said."
"Why'd you even have any Cotton Candy if you didn't want to do crazy stuff with me?"
"Cotton candy?" Steve repeating, an eyebrow raised. "That sounds familiar…"
"He means the cotton candy from the snacks stand," Clint quickly said, sending Tony a look that clearly said 'leave-me-out-of-this'.
"Yeah, it's super expensive but you know Clint," Tony said, playing along but clearly not liking it. "He's a pig." Tony huffed away, driving off.
Clint contemplated that statement. "I actually agree with that."
)()(
Driving around, Tony frowned. He hadn't seen one carnie in this area of the park and he wasn't sure why, but that scared him. Glancing upwards he realized that it was dark, which meant it was nighttime, which meant they had been at Coney Island all day. "J.A.R.V.I.S., what time is it?" Tony asked into his Stark Tech watch. It was pretty much like a wrist phone, but better because Tony Stark had invented it. Plus, J.A.R.V.I.S. had uploaded himself in it so there was that bonus.
"10:00 P.M. exactly sir."
Tony nodded, understanding the situation now. No wonder the carnies weren't there, they were all probably home by now, reasoning that they could trust The Avengers. He also understood that he could now cut loose on his joyride without worrying about carnies asking him to 'step right up' into the Hall of Mirrors or some other whacky game.
He yawned suddenly, his eyelids feeling heavy. "Maybe if I rest for 5 minutes, nothing bad will happen." He put his arms on the steering wheel then put his head on them. He figured how slowly the car was going that nothing bad would happen, as long as it was a cat-nap.
)()(
"I'm up! I'm up!" Tony's eyes snapped open, while he grabbed the first thing he touched, and pulled himself up.
Falling asleep behind the wheel! Stupid, stupid, stupid! I'm so lucky this isn't my Audi. Unfortunately, what he had grabbed onto was the steering wheel, which made the car change trajectory, jerking it to the right, sending it crashing through a display of something. Solid milk bottles rained down on Tony, answering the question of what display it was. Ow! Cruel, ironic karma! He thought to himself, trying to cover himself the best he could.
Reasoning it would be best to jump out before he inadvertently caused more damaged, he jumped out before heading straight into a dive roll. Luckily, the car stopped as it crashed into the Wonder Wheel. Unluckily, the ride was on and one of the passenger cars hooked onto the car, brought it up around 20 feet, before releasing it, sending it raining down upon the Spook-a-Rama haunted house.
He quickly leapt to his feet wanting to help out in some way, before receiving a massive head rush, and falling down. The last thing he saw before blacking out was The Avengers trying desperately to put out various fires around the park. Did I do that…?
)()(
"Tony…Tony!"
The voice echoed as Tony slowly made his way back to reality. The sun was shining in his eyes so he assumed it was the next morning. Oh great.
Slowly sitting up, he groaned, his head and back were killing him. "Where are the others?" He asked Clint, whom he realized was the one to say his name.
"Back at the Tower," Clint answered brushing off his clothes.
Glancing around, Tony's eyes widened. "What happened?" Nearly every activity was burned down, and those that weren't burned were severely torn apart.
"The results of your 'joyride'," Clint quoted. "And right after Sandy too. This ought to get you on the 9 o'clock news."
Tony feared this next question. "So, it 'Nat gonna kill me?"
Clint shook his head. "No, but she said someone else will for her."
Tony sighed, before staring up in the sky hearing a whirring noise. "Is that a Quinjet heading towards us?"
Clint gulped. "Even worse, is 'Tranquil Fury' painted on the side?" he pointed.
At this, Tony gulped. He knew what was coming next.
)()(
"Let me see if I got this straight," Fury started. "You got drunk, drove a bumper car off of the designated arena, set the amusement park on fire, then blacked out after causing thousands of dollars of damage?!" Fury's fury was anything but tranquil at the moment. "And to top it all off, we just got word from N.A.S.A. that a puck, clocking in at nearly 300 knots, has destroyed the Mars rover! And the area we triangulated it coming from, based on its' trajectory, lead us right here! Now how the hell are you gonna explain that Stark?" Fury asked, doing his best Natasha impression, staring furiously at Stark.
"I wasn't the only one who damaged this place!" Tony protested. "Thor was destroying games left and right all over the park! And the damage to the rover was his fault! Are you telling me that my damage was so much worse than his?"
"Yes."
Stark sighed, before wordlessly taking out his checkbook, and wrote out a check, before handing it to Fury. The memo line read: 'It seemed like a good idea at the time'.
Satisfied with the amount of zeros, Fury boarded the Qunijet before taking off back towards the Heli-Carrier.
"You know," Stark started, an idea forming in his head. "We really should thank St. Nicholas for his help regarding this entire situation Mr. Barton. Do you think a bottle of Hercules's magical wine would tide over our pirate leader?" Tony asked, only to look around and notice he was talking to himself. During Fury's lecture Clint had snuck off,, not wanting to be associated with Tony's little joy-ride. "I believe it would dear ol' friend ol' self of mine…I believe it would."