Title: The Accident
Fandom: Guiding Light
Characters: Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera, Emma Spencer, Francesca Rivera, Frank Cooper, Rick Bauer, Phillip Spaulding, my dead body
Category: Angst, Romance, Drama
Rating: NC-17
Word count: 33, 714 (total)
Summary: The devastation and moral decay of one Natalia Rivera.
Spoilers/Timeline Generally through September '09, though nothing terribly specific I think.
Disclaimer: All characters (Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera, blah blah etc.) and situations belong to Guiding Light, Telenext, Proctor & Gamble, etc. I'm not them.
Author's Note: I got this idea from a throwaway line in one of Rysler's fics that would make sense to no one who wasn't inside my brain. And even by my standards it was a pretty crazy idea. But then I thought it over and with a little bit of nudging. That's crazy became why not? After all what is fandom - and fan fiction - for if not asking, if x changed then what would happen?
Beta: What can I say? aimlessla was freaking awesome for beta'ing this for me, even as much as the whole damn thing traumatized her. I appreciate her invaluable advice, grammar assistance, not throwing her hands up at the pitiable state of my commas and poking her finger at as many of my plot holes as she could find. This one was really above and beyond.
With thanks to Kelinswriter also for offering some general thoughts on the whole thing! Much appreciated, dude!
Warning: This fic has sexual content. Unrelated to that, but additionally it is very dark in nature. Very dark. Do not that this lightly. If you hated "Even If It Killed Her" to the point you stopped reading, you'll like this one even less. No, seriously.
Part Nine
Natalia was stunned and confused, a powerful combination. Olivia was here. Really here. Not just a dream that would fade upon awakening. She was consumed with the nearness of Olivia, lost in it, in her. She wanted to be closer yet, be inside Olivia's skin, but Olivia was pushing her away and she couldn't understand why.
Olivia was saying something. "I know."
She knew what? The words didn't make sense to Natalia either; they were unimportant. Olivia was alive.
"You're alive," Natalia whispered, ignoring what Olivia had said, her hands tracing over Olivia's face once again with Olivia holding her back. "How is that possible?" Natalia marveled. "Madre de Dios. You're a miracle. My miracle."
Olivia looked pained. "You have to stop, Natalia. I can't do this. I know."
Natalia's brow furrowed and she slumped backwards, relaxing as Olivia grabbed her wrists and gently but firmly pulled them away from her face. "You can't do what?" With Olivia's hands on her wrists - touching her - she could sit docilely.
Olivia's grip on her wrists tightened until it was almost painful. She pushed against Natalia's arms and rose, forcing Natalia to stand or slide into an ignominious heap on the floor. Natalia stumbled, hardly paying attention to what was happening to her, only Olivia Olivia Olivia. Awkwardly she regained her balance but Olivia was already back away from her.
"You can't do this," Olivia said wretchedly, almost stomping her foot as frustration poured out of every word. "You can't be this way, Natalia. I know. I know about you and Phillip."
"Phillip and-" Natalia started to repeat the words back to her, questioning what Olivia had said, when Olivia's meaning crashed over her. Her blood drained from her face again and she swayed unsteadily on her feet. "Olivia." Despite her unsteadiness, Natalia took a step forward, reaching for her.
But Olivia took another step back.
Natalia trembled, desperate to find away to explain it to Olivia. It was never supposed to happen this way. Olivia is dead. But she wasn't, and Natalia was still too weak with gratefulness to process anything else. She just needed Olivia. Couldn't she see that this was nothing? That Phillip meant nothing to her compared to what they had shared. But Natalia couldn't find the words, not the ones that would lower the walls that were already apparent around Olivia's heart. She could barely swallow around the lump in her throat. All she wanted was to be back in Olivia's arms and nothing could give that back to her - not in this moment. Tears of pain and frustration swam in her eyes.
"Olivia, please," Natalia begged. "Please don't go." She threw herself on her love's mercy and even as she did, she knew it wouldn't be enough. Trust had always been the weak point of their relationship. It was either absolute or broken, shattered into a thousand pieces by something Natalia couldn't change no matter how much she wished it away.
"Why?" Olivia asked bluntly. "It's obvious that you've moved on. You don't need me. So why should I stay, Natalia? To watch you with my ex-husband? I think not."
"I do need you," Natalia said, still begging, pleading for understanding. "I need you more than anything else."
"Sure have a funny way of showing it," Olivia bit out. She looked away and then glanced back at Natalia, her eyes hard and glittering. "Did you even wait a week?"
"Of course I did. I waited and I hurt - more than you can imagine - but you were gone, Olivia."
"So you just moved on to the next person who could take care of you, provide the lifestyle to which you'd grown accustomed? I get it. I understand it perfectly." Her words were like acid against Natalia's skin. "I just never thought you'd sink to that."
Natalia stood stunned at the accusation. It was so ridiculous she couldn't even muster a defense. "That's just- it's - Olivia!"
But Olivia just shook her head. "Don't you get it, Natalia? I don't care. You said you loved me-" her eyes closed in defense against those memories. "So many times," she whispered. "But you couldn't have really meant it, could you? Or you would never have-" She cut herself off. "I don't want to hear it. I just want to see Emma and Francesca."
"Of course," Natalia said automatically. She felt numb and devastated. How could coming back to life feel so much like death? "They miss you so much."
"At least someone does," Olivia said bitterly, looking her squarely in the eye.
Natalia gasped, the cutting remark landing exactly as Olivia had known it would. "Olivia, please," Natalia said, lurching forward to catch Olivia's hand, but Olivia stepped away and Natalia stumbled, as she missed her mark, sprawling gracelessly onto her knees.
Olivia never slowed. She just kept walking, her heels making a steady click against the tile floor until gradually the sound faded from Natalia's hearing completely.
Natalia didn't make a move to pick herself up. She lacked the will and energy for it. Her prayers had been answered. Or at least they would have been, if she had thought to pray for such an impossibility. She was still reeling from the sheer knowledge that Olivia was alive. But now her own actions had made a joyous reunion with Olivia impossible. It was her fault; there was no one else to blame or rage against. Now she had to live with the consequences.
"Olivia-" Phillip's voice broke off as he came around the corner and saw Natalia on the floor. "Natalia?" His voice rose sharply with worry as he hurried across the room. "What's wrong? Where's Olivia?"
"She's gone."
"Gone? No, she's alive, Natalia. It wasn't just a dream. It was real. I promise you."
Natalia pressed her lips together in a wince and then pushed herself up until she had one foot beneath her. Phillip held out a hand to her and she accepted it, letting him pull the rest of the way up.
"No, I mean she's gone." She looked at their joined hands and smiled bitterly. "Olivia knows about us. She told me when I woke up and then she left. She wanted to see Emma and Francesca."
"Natalia," Phillip breathed her name, realizing the mess of the situation immediately and empathizing with it. "She's angry now, I know that. But she'll come around. She'll understand. You just have to give her time."
But Natalia remembered hard looks and cutting words all too well. She patted his hand with her free one. "Thank you for saying that, but I don't think so. Not this time. You didn't see her. She was so angry." She closed her eyes. "She's already forgiven me for so much. I don't think she can forgive me for this, Phillip."
"Shh," Phillip whispered, pulling her into his arms and comforting her. "It will be okay."
"Thank you," Natalia said just as quietly, resting her head against his shoulder, soaking in the comfort that he offered. She didn't believe them, but she appreciated the effort.
Olivia hesitated outside the door to Natalia's room. She had almost reached the entrance of the hospital before she turning around, unable to take a step further haunted by the image of Natalia weeping on the floor, begging her to come back, to believe her. She had sworn and then turned around. As angry and hurt as she was, there was no way she could leave Natalia when she was hurting that badly.
Gathering her courage, Olivia nudged the door open and started to take a step inside. She froze at the scene before her, Natalia wrapped in Phillip's solid embrace, her head buried against his shoulders as they held each other with a familiarity that bespoke only one thing - closeness. Knowing Natalia the way she did - love.
Olivia saw red. Every denial and exhortation to let her explain that had fallen from Natalia's lips rang false. Without a word, Olivia spun on her heel and strode away without a backward glance.
Olivia's hand shook as she ran it over the silky fine strands of Emma's hair. She pressed her face into it and inhaled the clean, familiar scent of her daughter. The vice grip around her heart eased, just a little. She could almost breathe.
"Emma. Jellybean." She stroked Emma's hair back away from her face, making her touch more solid. "Wake-up, Baby," Olivia said in a sing-song-y voice. "Mommy's home, Baby, and I've missed you so much."
Emma stirred, moving restlessly in her sleep, but didn't wake. Olivia ran a finger down her cheek.
"Open those eyes for me, Sweetheart. I love you so much and I can't wait to see you."
Emma blinked sleepily, rubbing at her eyes and then pulling her hands away. The moment her eyes focused she shrieked and jerked back.
It hurt, but Olivia told herself that it was to be expected. Emma thought she was dead. She had just awakened and she was scared.
"It's really me, Jellybean. I promise. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere."
"Mommy?" Emma sounded groggy and scared but her voice was the best thing Olivia had heard in forever.
Olivia just nodded, tears turning everything into a blurry mess. Emma launched herself at Olivia with another shriek - this time of joy.
"Mommy!" The moment her arms connected with Olivia, she began to babble. "I missed you so much, Mommy. We thought you were dead. Natalia was so sad." Her arms tightened around Olivia with every ounce of strength she could muster. "I tried, Mommy, but I couldn't make it better. I just wanted you. I love you so much. Why were you gone? Are you okay?"
Olivia smiled. Even the pain of Emma's mention of Natalia was dulled by the barrage of questions. It was soothing and oh-so-achingly familiar. She held tighter to Emma. "Hold on just a minute, Jellybean. I want to answer all your questions, but first let me go get your sister, okay?"
"Okay," Emma whispered, reluctantly letting her go. She didn't let go completely though, still clinging to Olivia's fingers. "Mommy?" She sounded scared again. "You are real aren't you?"
It broke Olivia's heart. "The realest, Jellybean." She took a deep breath, trying not to break down into tears. "I love you so much." She hugged Emma tightly again. "Do you want to come with me to get Francesca?"
Emma nodded immediately, but when Olivia rose, she tugged on Olivia's hand again. "Where's Natalia? Why isn't she here? Did you tell her? She was at a party with Daddy tonight." Her tiny brow furrowed. "Jane was here with us."
"I sent Jane home. I'm here now." Maybe that would reassure Emma that she was real. Jane wouldn't just disappear for no reason. She steeled herself answering Emma's question about Natalia. Just how much did her daughter know for that matter? She cursed Natalia again for putting her in this position. She hated it. "And Natalia does know. She's still with Phillip. She had to stay." Each thing was harder to say than the last. "But she'll be here in the morning when you wake up." I hope.
Emma still looked confused, and rightfully so, Olivia thought. Her explanation made no sense. Natalia should have been here with her - with all of them - celebrating, but she was with Phillip instead, in Phillip's arms, kissing him, holding him. Her hands clenched and she forced herself to calm down and think of Emma. Not anything else. Or she would frighten her daughter and that was the last thing she wanted.
"But-" Olivia put her finger over Emma's lips.
"Don't worry about it, 'bean. Everything's okay, I promise. Let's go get Francesca."
Emma brightened. Olivia's diversion successful, she practically dragged Olivia down the hall toward Francesca's room.
"Help me wake her up," Olivia asked, and Emma got on the other side of her bed. Together they stroked and petted her gently to wakefulness, the toddler rolling over, thumb in mouth and hair wildly disheveled, and opened her eyes. She stared up at Olivia for several long seconds then held her arms out demandingly.
The simple gesture startled a choked laugh out of Olivia. This time she didn't even try to stop crying as she gratefully scooped Francesca up and the little girl buried her face against Olivia's neck.
"Hey there, little one," Olivia whispered. She reached out for Emma's hand and pulled her up on to the bed and into their hug. "My girls. I love you both so much. Never forget that."
For the first time she felt almost complete again. Except for the gaping, irreplaceable piece of her soul that was missing.
(10/14)