CHAPTER 12
For the rest of the day, I was caught between two worlds...the one in which Kelly Severide and I had split up and the one in which Matt Casey and I may finally be together after a sixteen year separation. As happy as I was, I couldn't help but think about Kelly. I had never seen him like that before. I wasn't entirely sure if he was upset because I told him it was over or because he got caught in bed with his ex-fiance. Kelly didn't love me; that much I knew...but he did care about me and probably more than I cared about him. I knew our 'thing' wasn't going to last and I was okay with that from the beginning. What was important was that he made me laugh and made me feel beautiful and sexy after years of feeling inadequate. I would always be grateful to him for that. I honestly didn't want to end it, but I would never tolerate being cheated on...not ever again. I trusted that Em would give him an earful on their drive back to his apartment...and she would see that he was alright before she left him alone. I also had a distinct feeling that I would eventually hear from Leslie Shay. She'd probably bitch me out about how I devastated him and he was a broken man now...blah blah blah She would conveniently forget how she lied for him so he could take Renee Whaley to bed without my knowing. I didn't like Shay...not even a little bit.
I began to panic a little about what I would wear tonight on our first official date. I wanted to look perfect for Matt and I was no longer the bright eyed eighteen year old girl he had dated. Up until now, the only time we had spent together was as old friends...not boyfriend and girlfriend, despite those deeply intense kisses. The idea that I would be Matt Casey's girlfriend again sent a tingle up my spine. If the kisses we shared were any indication, then he wanted it just as much as I did. We were so perfect together back then, but it was a long time ago and I'm sure we had both changed. Maybe it wouldn't work out the way I had hoped, but at least I could put old ghosts to rest by trying.
I walked upstairs to draw a bath. I needed a good long soak in a bubble bath. The events of the morning had taken their toll on me and I needed the feel of slipping into hot soapy water to unwind. As the tub was filling, I opened my closet to choose an outfit for the evening. I had no idea where we were going, but Matt had told me to dress up so I pulled out my knee-length black velvet dress with the long sleeves and scoop neckline. I searched through the enormous pile of shoes on the floor of the closet and found my favorite Jimmy Choo black patent leather pumps. I chose a black cashmere wrap to go with it. I rummaged through my lingerie drawer and found sheer black thigh high stockings, black lace bra and panties and matching garter belt. If for some reason things didn't work out for me and Matthew, at least I would go out in style for this one night.
I looked at the clock on the bedside table...4:15 PM...plenty of time to bathe, dress and try to calm my nerves before Matt arrived at 7:00 PM. I slipped into the tub, closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths. The jasmine scented water soothed my wound up nerves and sore body. As I lay there in the sea of bubbles, the reality of it all hit me. I was now acting Director of Assessment and Referral at Lakeshore. This position would mean a substantial increase in salary, moving into that amazing corner office and I'd never have to work weekends again. I was out of the trenches and in the corporate sector now...at least as of Monday morning at 8:00.
My father's 70th birthday was Monday. I had planned to bake him his traditional double chocolate cake and cook his favorite dinner that night. The events over the last day or so had messed up my head and I hadn't been able to get to the grocery store to buy all the necessary ingredients. I also had no idea what was in store for me on Monday at work. I decided to call Dad to postpone it by a week.
"Hello, Daddy," I said as I heard him pick up the house phone. He refused to buy a cell phone, believing they were a fad. He was so annoyingly yet charmingly old fashioned.
"Hey, pumpkin! What's up?" he asked. Jesus, if he only knew. I wasn't ready to tell him about Kelly and me. He and Kelly got along well and he would probably be thrown by the news. The irony in this was that he also adored Matt when he and I were dating in high school. It would be too much for him to process right now. I decided to lead with the news of my promotion.
"I'm calling because I have to postpone our dinner Monday night," I said.
"You OK, pumpkin? Don't worry your old man," he said. He was always looking out for me, even now when he was the one that needed looking after.
"I'm fine, Daddy...really. It's just that I've been unexpectedly promoted to Director of the department at Lakeshore beginning on Monday morning. I have a meeting first thing Monday to talk with the hospital CEO and my orientation may keep me later than normal," I said.
"That's great, Maddy...I'm so proud of you," he said. My father has always been my greatest champion.
"Thanks, Daddy. How about a week from today? A nice Sunday dinner. Your beef stroganoff and double chocolate cake?" I said.
"I'm easy to please, pumpkin...sounds good to me. Is that handsome fireman of yours still gonna be able to make it?" he asked. Shit. I had forgotten I had invited Kelly. I didn't relish the idea of talking to him right now. Besides, I doubt he'd have the balls to show up at my father's house now. Of course, I didn't think he'd have the balls to show up at my house after last night, but he proved me wrong.
"I don't know, Daddy...he may be on duty. I'll have to ask him," I said, temporarily postponing the inevitable. He and Kelly had bonded over their love hockey and good cigars. They had shared many a beer watching games together in the last couple of months. Knowing that Kelly and I were over may break his heart. I just couldn't tell him right now.
"OK pumpkin. I'll see you next Sunday then. Love you, honey," he said.
"Love you too, Daddy," I said. I loved my father more than anyone else in the whole world. I would move Heaven and Earth for him. The bath was cooling off quickly and my skin was beginning to prune, so I washed my hair and got out of the tub. Matthew would be here in less than two hours and I needed every minute to make myself as close to perfect as I could at the ripe old age of thirty-four.
After nearly two hours of primping and preening, I was ready. I had put my hair up in a French twist and fastened it with a pearl comb. My mother had always told me that pearls were classy and for every one of my birthdays before she died, she gave me pearl jewelry. I chose a single strand pearl choker and pearl and diamond stud earrings. As I was spraying myself with perfume, the doorbell rang. I looked at my watch...6:55 PM. My heart began to pound furiously. I applied lip color and gave myself a final check in the mirror before heading downstairs. As I approached the door, I could see Matt through the glass. My heart practically stopped at the sight of him. He was in a black suit, white dress shirt and black striped tie. He looked absolutely beautiful and it was odd how similarly we were dressed.
"Wow...Maddy...you are stunning," he said, holding his hand to his chest, as he walked into the entry hall. His eyes moved up and down from my head to my toes.
"You said to dress up, so..." I said, turning around for him slowly.
"I did...and you nailed it," he said. He approached me slowly, stopping just in front of me and pulling out a bouquet of white tea roses. He was full of surprises. He followed me into the kitchen as I put them in water.
"Let's go," he said as he extended his hand to me. I wrapped the cashmere pashmina around me, picked up my clutch bag and slipped my hand into his. I hadn't held his hand in a very long time and the feel of his fingers closing over mine felt right. He led me out the door and as I approached his truck, his look changed slightly.
"Maddy...would you mind if we take your car? It's more suited to how we look and where we're going," he said. Matt was not even slightly pretentious and I didn't hesitate to hand him my keys. I wanted to tell him that his Chevy truck was a step up from Kelly's noisy and dirty Camaro, but I didn't. The less mentioned about Kelly Severide, the better.
"Where are we going?" I asked after driving for a few minutes.
"You'll find out soon enough. Tell me what's new in your life while we drive there," he said, changing the subject. OK...he wants to play a little. I can do this.
"Well...let's see. I'm having my kitchen renovated. The new contractor came this morning, but I may have to let him go. He left after only a couple of hours of work and made quite a mess too," I said, grinning like an idiot. He cocked his head and looked at me sideways.
"Very funny, you..." he said. I was pleased with my little joke and giggled like a school girl.
"What's new in your life, Matt?" I asked, expecting him to retaliate with his own cheap joke at my expense.
"Well...let me think...I reconnected with an old girlfriend from high school and from the moment I saw her again, I haven't been able to stop thinking about her," he said without cracking a smile. I was stunned into silence as he picked up my hand and kissed the back of it. I could feel tears welling up in my eyes. "Don't cry, Madeleine...you'll ruin your mascara," I told myself. I was deep, but shallow too.
"Fulton's on The River? I am impressed, Mr. Casey," I said as we drove up front. Fulton's was a famous steakhouse with gorgeous views of the river and the skyline of downtown Chicago. It was one of those places you always wanted to go but never did.
"You ain't seen nothing yet, Ms. Coventry. Stay right there," he said. He walked around to my side of the car and opened the car door. As I got out, he took my hand and handed the keys to the valet. With Kelly, I'd be lucky if he'd waited for me to get out of the car before going in.
We were seated at a table for two with a breathtaking view of the city. The lights from the high rises were reflected in the river, sparkling in the rippling water. The restaurant was dimly lit, with only a small candle flickering in the center between our place settings. Matt pulled out my chair for me. I had been with Kelly so long that I had forgotten what it was like to have a man act like a gentleman.
"Amazing view, isn't it?" I said, looking out the large glass window next to our table.
"Yes, it certainly is," said Matt, looking at me and not the Chicago River. I felt my cheeks flush slightly, just like they did whenever he complimented me when I was eighteen. As I looked at the menu, Matt ordered a bottle of champagne. I was surprised by his extravagance. Kelly's favorite thing to order was a pitcher of beer, which I didn't drink. Thinking back now, he and I were so different. We didn't click on many things except sex and you can't build a relationship on that. At least I couldn't. I'm sure Kelly would be happy with just a 'fuck buddy', but I needed more than that.
The waiter arrived with our champagne and filled two crystal flutes for us. After he took our order, Matt raised his glass in a toast.
"What are we toasting this time?" I asked as I raised my glass to his.
"To finding something that was lost," he said, smiling. I offered a smile back to him, even though I would have preferred to jump across the table and kiss him furiously. We tapped our glasses together and sipped our drinks. So much for me thinking it was too soon after Kelly and my split to even consider being with Matthew.
"I've been feeling like I've found a missing piece of a puzzle," I said.
"Me too, Maddy...taking your hand tonight felt like I had come home again after being away for a long time," he said, sliding his hand across the table to mine. We intertwined our fingers together and stared at each other. Our reverie was broken when the waiter approached with our food. We ate for a few minutes in silence until Matt spoke.
"Of all the relationships I've had in my life, ours was the one that was most important to me. Nothing measured up afterwards," he said. I was surprised at the revelation. It was so strange to hear that he had had the same problems that I did all these years. In a matter of a couple of weeks, we had gone from thinking we had both forgotten about each other to rekindling our teenage romance. I was guilty of romanticizing what he and I had back then, which was one of the problems between Stephen and I. I suspected it had also been a problem between him and Hallie.
"Are we completely crazy, Matthew...to have compared all of our other relationships with what you and I had as kids? Most people would argue that two teenagers who claim they're in love are just foolish," I said.
"I don't know, Maddy...but what I do know is that the memory of you colored everything I did or said with anyone else...right or wrong. You wanted the same things as I did and I never found anyone else who thought that way," he said.
"But how do we know we still want those same things, Matt? So many years have gone by now. We've grown up...led separate lives. People change," I said. I was surprised by my own doubts as the words tumbled from my mouth. It was something that had to be said. If I was going to be disappointed, I'd prefer it was sooner rather than later.
"Just answer me this...do you still want a somewhat traditional life...marriage...children...family vacations...Sunday dinners...those kinds of things?" he asked, point blank. I had to stop and think about this. I had dreamt of marrying Matt and having children with him, but when I was married to Stephen, the last thing I wanted to do was bring a child into the world with him. As I looked into Matthew's eyes, the answer was staring me in the face.
"I didn't want any of that for a while, but that had more to do with the relationship I had with Stephen. Seeing you...being with you again...has made me realize I still want those things," I said without looking up at him. I wasn't sure where my emotions were taking me or if it was even safe to go there with them. Neither Matt nor I knew if we would end up together in the long run.
Before he could say anything more, I asked him a question I desperately needed an answer to ever since he mentioned him and Hallie wanting different things.
"Now let me ask you...would you still support the woman in your life in her career? Encourage her to advance herself and take advantage of every opportunity that was offered?" I said. He had embraced those feminist mores once, but he was an idealistic teenager back then who also had a headstrong girlfriend. I needed to know how he felt now as an adult.
"Absolutely, Maddy. That hasn't changed. If there is one thing I learned from my relationship with Hallie, it was not to push someone to alter their plans to fit mine," he said. He looked deadly serious. He had never lied to me before, so I had no reason to doubt him now. Matthew Casey had grown into quite a man.
When we finished our food, the waiter approached us and asked if we cared for coffee and dessert. Matt told him we had other plans for dessert and I felt another shiver run up my spine at the thought of what his 'other plans' might be. The idea of making love to him had been firmly planted in my brain for most of my adult life. To have it finally happen would be another thing entirely and I didn't want to get too far ahead of myself. There was also the possibility that he had a chocolate cake waiting for us at his house and we were actually going to have dessert.
We left the restaurant, taking a drive along the Chicago River and eventualy ended up in front of Matthew's house.
"Dessert is inside," he said. My heart started to pound harder as I walked up the cement stairway and inside the entry hall. He took my wrap and threw it on his couch with his suit coat then took my hand and led me to the dining room. He walked over to the sideboard and switched on his iPod that was sitting in the cradle of a dock. Tony Bennett started to sing.
"Some day, when I'm awfully low,
When the world is cold,
I will feel a glow just thinking of you
And the way you look tonight..."
"Sit...I'll be right back," he said, pulling out a chair for me. He disappeared to the kitchen for a few minutes, then came back with a platter and two glasses on a tray. As he set them down, I could see that the platter was full of Double Stuf Oreos and the glasses were full of milk. As I stared at them in disbelief, Matt began to laugh.
"You remember?" he said, through his laughter. I did remember. He had taken me out to dinner for Valentine's Day and he didn't have enough money for dessert, so we went back to his house afterwards and had fed each other Double Stuf Oreos and milk.
"Of course I do. It's why I taught myself to make fancy desserts," I said as I picked a cookie up and shoved it in his mouth. He offered me a cookie, then we picked up our glasses of milk, intertwined our arms and drank. We were both laughing hysterically and spraying milk and spitting bits of cookie all over each other. He grabbed a napkin from the sideboard so we could wipe up our mess and our mouths.
"Dance with me?" he asked, extending his hand to me.
My heart melted at that moment. He looked incredibly handsome and he was charming and old fashioned. He was so different from Kelly in so many ways. In short, he was a complete gentleman and I loved that about him; I always had. We swayed slowly to the music; Matt's face pressed into my neck, one hand in mine and the other at the small of my back. The scent of his cologne filled my head. I closed my eyes and pressed my lips to his ear as Tony Bennett continued his song.
"Yes you're lovely, with your smile so warm
And your cheeks so soft,
There is nothing for me but to love you,
And the way you look tonight..."
Matt suddenly stopped dancing and looked at me. I thought my heart would stop.
"With each word your tenderness grows
Tearin' my fear apart
And that laugh that wrinkles your nose
Touches my foolish heart..."
"You still have a little chocolate there," he said, sniggering slightly. He raised his hand to my mouth and wiped at the corner of it with his thumb.
He continued to rub the edges of my lips, tracing my mouth from left to right. He studied my mouth for a few minutes before looking into my eyes. Without saying a word, he leaned in and kissed me. He placed his hands on either side of my neck, holding me firmly and pushing his tongue between my lips. I could feel the familiar ache shoot through my body as he hands moved from my neck to my back. As we kissed each other, I slowly undid his tie and began to unbutton his dress shirt. I slid my hands inside and rubbed his chest. I hadn't touched his body in sixteen years and I was pleasantly surprised at the feeling of hair under my hands. His chest had been as smooth as a baby's bottom as a teenager. He deepened his kiss as my fingers caressed his nipples. His hands slid down my body and slowly pulled up my dress until his hands were resting on the black lace panties that covered my behind. He pressed his body to mine and I could feel his erection on the top of my hip.
"I'm not going to let you stop me this time, Maddy," he whispered into my mouth as he kissed me slowly.
"I'm not even going to try," I whispered back to him as tears rolled down both my cheeks. I had loved this man for most of my life and I vowed then and there that I would never let him go again.
My heart was pounding so hard I was sure that he could hear it as he reached around behind me and unzipped my dress and let it slip to the floor. I was caught between feeling like a virgin showing herself to the man she loved for the first time and a bitch-in-heat dominatrix and I didn't know which one he would prefer. He reached around and unfastened my bra and cupped my breasts with his hands, running his thumbs over my nipples. I dropped my head back and closed my eyes. I had dreamt about Matthew putting his hands on me for a long time and reveled in the feel of his gentle touch. He traced the skin of my neck with his lips, moving slowly downwards. His tongue swirled around my left nipple and a small muffled moan escaped my lips. His hands came to rest on my hips and his fingers played with the top of my panties. My body felt as though it were on fire as he slowly slid them down my legs and to the floor. I stood there in only a garter belt, thigh high stocking and stiletto heels. I felt my face get hot as his eyes moved over my body.
"You're so beautiful, Maddy," he whispered. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. It had been a long time since a man took the time to look at me this way. He approached me slowly and pushed at my hips until I was sitting on the dining room table. His hands slid down from my hips to the inside of my thighs, gently pushing them apart. He stood between my legs and I could hear him breathing. He stuck the index and middle finger of his right hand in his mouth and sucked on them before gently sliding them between my legs. I could hear myself moan as his fingers moved inside me and his thumb lightly caressed my clitoris.
"You taste good...I always knew you would," he said as he stuck his fingers in his mouth again. Matthew Casey had become quite a man, indeed...a gentleman and a naughty boy all rolled into one.
He unbuckled his belt and unzipped his pants, letting them drop to the floor and revealing his erection. He was uncircumcised which I didn't expect. I had never been with a man who had not been circumcised before, not that it mattered to me. Matthew was proving to be different from any other man in many ways and it made me love him even more. He leaned in close, kissing me urgently. I wrapped my legs around the small of his back and dug my nails into the skin of his shoulders. His face was locked on mine and he suddenly lifted me up off the dining room table and carried me through the living room and up the stairs to his bedroom. My heart was pounding wildly as he put me down on the bed and laid on top of me. I wrapped my legs around him again as he lifted my hips up to his. With one swift motion, he thrust himself inside me. At last, we belonged to each other in the most personal way two people can. No matter what happened after this, there was no altering that now.
I moaned softly as he thrust in and out of me, changing the angle of my hips to meet his every move. His hands gripped me tightly around the waist and the look on his face was intense. Every nerve ending in my body was alive and I could feel my orgasm approaching. I reached out for him, wanting to hold him close to me now. He dropped me down to the bed and pushed himself between my legs again lying on top of me. He moved in and out of me slowly, watching my face closely as he did. As my orgasm hit, I arched my back and bucked underneath him, digging my nails into his flesh. I cried and screamed out as my orgasm enveloped me, shooting from between my thighs, down my legs and arms and into my wrists. I felt it everywhere. He groaned as he felt me coming and within seconds, I could feel him release inside me. He continued to thrust until every drop was released, grunting with each movement he made, then collapsed on top of me, breathing heavily. Overcome with emotion, I could not stop my tears from flowing.
Matthew wrapped his arms underneath me, holding me close to him. He covered my face and neck with soft kisses and when he saw that I was crying, he became concerned.
"Are you alright, babe?" he asked, brushing my tears away with his fingertips.
"It's just you and me...together like this after so long," I said, still crying. He pulled me closer and nuzzled my neck. He put his lips to my ear and whispered.
"I love you, Maddy...so much," he said, his voice cracking slightly.
"I love you too, Matthew...I always have," I said. He crushed his mouth to mine one more time before pulling the bed covers over us.
"Come here," he said, raising his arm as he lay back down. I snuggled close into the crook of his arm, resting my hand in the middle of his chest. I could hear his heart beating and once again, I wept. I drifted off the sleep to the feel of his steady breathing underneath me. I was finally where I belonged.
I awoke to the sound of rain falling on the tin roof of Matt's house. It was dark in the bedroom even though the blinds were open. I could feel the warmth of Matt's body against my back and his right arm was draped over me. I took his hand and brought it to my lips, kissing it lightly. So many thoughts running through my head. I thought of all the baggage that was in the room with us and hoped that it wouldn't mess up the memory of last night.
"Good morning, you..." I heard Matt say suddenly. I rolled over to face him and he greeted me with a soft, deep kiss. My body ignited.
"What are you thinking about?" he asked as he looked into my eyes. I never could hide anything from him. He had always instinctively known what I was thinking.
"Us...this..." I said hesitantly, not wanting him to think I had any regrets about last night.
"What about this? It's what you want, isn't it?" he asked, looking slightly worried.
"Oh God yes, Matt...of course. I just don't want to be someone who fills the void that Hallie left," I said. I couldn't play second best, not after all these years.
"Oh Maddy...don't you know by now that Hallie was the one that filled the void that YOU left? All I want is you...you're all I've ever wanted," he said. He gently rolled me on my back and crawled on top of me, kissing me hard. As he was about to enter me, my cell phone went off.
"I have to answer it...it may be Addison" I said, trying to get my breathing under control.
"I'm staying right here," he said with a wicked grin. I answered the call. It was Em.
"Well?" I heard her scream into the phone. I mouthed the word "Emily" to Matt and he rolled his eyes.
"Great timing, that one," he said.
"I can't really talk now, Em...I'll call you tonight, OK?" I said.
"Oooooo... morning wood and morning dew,eh?" she said, sniggering.
"Goodbye, Em..." I said, hanging up.
"Now where were we?" I said, wrapping my arms around him. We made love again. It wasn't a dream. It was my real grown up life finally playing out the way I had imagined it always would.
"I'm going to shower and make you breakfast. Stay right there," Matt said. He kissed me before he got out of bed. As he turned the shower on, my cell phone rang again. "Dammit, Em," I muttered as I saw Em's number on the caller ID.
"Emily Morrison! What don't you understand about the words 'I'll call you later'?" I said.
"Mads...it's Kelly. Don't hang up...please. I'm not letting you go this easy...I can't...and you can tell Casey that for me, too..." he said before hanging up.
I laid there staring at the ceiling, unable to move or speak or think. All the pieces of my real grown up life that had just been put into place were suddenly ripped apart again.