Chapter 11

I sat in the room with the small group of people. Jacob was sitting beside me. I didn't want to be here. Well, I did want to be here, but I also really didn't want to be here. I felt like an outsider. All I could do was listen to all of their stories, as if I hadn't gone through it myself.

But I had gone through it.

I gripped Jacob's hand as I listened to a story about how a man had gotten high while taking care of his two year old son. His son had gotten hurt, and then his parents took him away from him. Ironically, his child's mother had died of an overdose one year prior.

Sitting here, listening to what had happened to all these people, I felt like what I had gone through wasn't even close to as bad as what these people had gone through in their lives.

"For two months, I've been completely sober…haven't touched anything. I just want my son back," the man said. I could hear that he was fighting hard not to cry. I didn't blame him. "I've gone to see him a few times…he doesn't recognize me as his father anymore. I spend as much time with him as I can…to show my parents that I actually am better now…that my addiction doesn't have me in its grips anymore. I can tell that they're still weary of me though."

"Thank you so much for sharing, Jim," the woman, Tara, at the front said as Jim sat back down. She was the professional. She was leading our little group-and she also used to do cocaine. I had learned that about her before the session started. "How about we hear from our new arrival, Bella."

All eyes in the small circle turned to me, and my eyes widened. Tara was smiling encouragingly at me, and the group's eyes were welcoming me. I felt Jacob squeeze my hand in encouragement, so I stood up.

"Hi everyone, I'm Bella," I said. I paused as the little group greeted me with quiet 'hellos'. "And I'm addicted to cocaine." I paused, unsure of what to say next, the group was watching me intently…so I decided to start at the beginning. "Before I moved here, I lived in this tiny town in Washington, that's kind-of where it started...but back then I wasn't hooked…not yet. When I moved here, I got a terrible job, but then I met a guy who offered me a job as a stripper." That last part was super embarrassing to say, but I barreled right along. "He ended up being my boyfriend, and we'd get high together…a lot." Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Jacob stiffen slightly upon the mention of Edward. "That was when I got hooked. I didn't want to admit that I actually was hooked on it, but within a few months I knew that I was…that was just after I met Jacob." I motioned to him. "After I left my boyfriend…Jacob and I went into a relationship and he helped me a lot. I hadn't used in two weeks." I saw a look of surprise pass through the group, especially on Tara's face. "But then, we got into a fight…and I binged again." Out of the corner of my eye I saw Jacob shift slightly in his seat. Talking about our argument hadn't exactly been what I was planning to do, but I couldn't help from mentioning it. "I took too much, and overdosed. Luckily, Jacob found me in time and got me to the hospital, before it was too late." I took a deep breath. "And now, I'm here."

"That is quite a story, Bella, thank you for sharing it with us," Tara said. "It takes a lot of courage to put yourself out there as you have just done, and we welcome you here."

I nodded, and sat down, slipping my hand back in Jacob's.

As someone else began to speak, Jacob whispered, "I'm proud of you."

I bit my lip and looked down.

"I'm proud of me too," I whispered, looking up at him. He grinned at me and put his arm around my shoulders. It felt really good to be able to talk to people who understood what I was going through. I mean, it was good talking to Jacob about this, but he didn't really understand what it was like to fight an addiction. He hadn't lived through it. Well, technically he had lived through it, through me.

But in all reality, that wasn't the same. Not even close. Actually battling addiction was in a completely different world than being with someone who was going through it. Sure, you'd get a lot of the emotional pain, but none of the physical need to get whatever substances you used.

It was hard to explain to Jacob how difficult it was, but I'm sure sitting with me and hearing all these people's stories was really opening his eyes to what addiction was really like. If you had never gotten hooked on drugs or alcohol or sex, you could just tell a person to stop. It can't be that hard to stop, right? No, that wasn't even close to how it was. And people hooked on these things aren't stupid, not at all. They-we-just fall out of something out of our control. In a way, it is completely our fault, but in another way, it's the fault of the drug. You can place all the blame on the drug if you want, but deep down you'll always know that you did this to yourself. Or even if it isn't your fault, even if you were born with an addiction, you'll still hold yourself to blame. Even though you knew it wasn't your fault.

On the drive home, Jacob was quiet. I could tell that he was thinking deeply about what he had seen today. Hell, so was I.

I glanced at him. "Are you okay?"

He nodded. "Fine."

"No you aren't."

"Some of their stories just gave me a lot to think about," he said.

"And you regret coming." It wasn't a question.

"No, not at all," he said. "It just lets you see things in a completely different perspective."

I didn't want to ask this, but I had to. "What was your perspective before?"

"I just…I guess I thought it was easier to get over it," he said. I had to bite my tongue against saying anything. "After hearing how some of them started…not on purpose either…it changes your point of view on things. Most of the time it isn't even your fault that you're addicted."

I was quiet. Had he not realized this before? I didn't say anything for the remainder of the drive home. Jacob didn't ask me anything. It easily could've just been that I was lost in thought about what I had heard and seen today…just as I'm sure he was. In reality though, I was thinking about what Jacob must have thought of me before coming with me today. It seemed to just dawn on him now that it isn't always the person's fault that they're addicted. So, had he just thought I was doing this for fun before? Had he just thought that this was a cry for attention, and nothing more?

I wasn't too sure…and I didn't want to ask him.

"Do you want to grab a bite to eat?" he asked.

I was about to say no, but then realized how hungry I actually was.

"Sure," I said. We stopped at a Chinese food place, one of the best in the city-I had come here all the time before I had even met Edward. They were open super late, so I could stop by on my way home from work-both at the store and the club. I could remember coming here wired out of my mind with Edward on numerous occasions. The owner of the restaurant recognized me the minute I walked in.

"Bella!" he said happily when Jacob and I walked in together. "How are you?"

"I'm good, how are you?" I asked.

"I'm fine; you haven't been here in so long!"

I smiled. "Yeah I've been pretty busy."

"Come, sit! Dinner for both of you is on me!" he said, leading us to a table. "Where is…oh what was his name? Where is Edward?"

Immediately I felt Jacob stiffen beside me.

I hesitated. "Edward is…no longer in the picture. This is Jacob."

"Oh I see!" he said, understanding filling his face. He sat us at the table and disappeared into the kitchen.

Jacob looked at me, cocking a brow. "VIP treatment?"

I hesitated. Was that venom in his tone? "I used to come here all the time…before I even met Edward. Some nights I would…" I trailed off…realizing the next thing that what I had meant to say wouldn't be something Jacob would want to hear.

"You would…?" he asked, penetrating me with his eyes.

I hesitated again, and just in time our waiter came to our table.

"What can I get for you two tonight?" he asked.

"I'll have the orange chicken," I said, handing him my menu. I hadn't had to even look at it.

"And for you, sir?" he asked, turning to Jacob. I studied Jacob's face as he ordered the shrimp chow mein. Something was wrong. I couldn't tell what it was.

The waiter left and Jacob turned his gaze back on me. Something in his eyes wasn't right. I could tell by the way he was looking at me.

"Are you okay?" I asked softly. "You don't look…right."

"I'm fine," he said. "Work has just been stressful."

I could tell he was lying.

"Jacob, you're scaring me," I said. "I know you're lying."

He took a deep breath. "Paul thinks he found out who shot my mom."

He was waiting for my reaction. To be honest, I didn't know what to say.

"Oh…what does that…what does that mean?" I asked.

"I don't know," he said honestly. "He doesn't live in New York. He lives in Michigan."

"And you want to go find him?" I guessed.

"I do-but I also really don't," he said.

"What's stopping you?" I asked.

"You."

Just then, our food arrived at the table and we stopped speaking. As we ate, I thought of how to bring up what was on my mind.

"You don't have to stay here because of me," I said quietly.

His eyes penetrated me again. "I don't want to leave you alone."

"Because you think I'm going to binge again?" I demanded, dropping my fork.

"No!" he said. "No, it isn't that. It's your fucking ex-boyfriend. I should arrest him because I know what he does behind closed doors."

My stomach lurched. Would that mean that Alice would get in trouble as well? If Edward was angry enough, would he sell out Alice as well? Alice was his sister, but would that make if difference to him? I wasn't entirely sure.

Jacob noticed how quiet I was. "What? Are you still hung up on him or something?"

How could I tell him what I was really thinking?

"Bella, you know that as a cop I'm supposed to…"

"I know," I said.

"Do you…do you still have feelings for him?"

"No!" I said quickly. "No, I would never go back to him."

"Then what's wrong?" he asked.

"Nothing," I said, quickly putting some chicken in my mouth.

He gave me a long look, I knew he didn't believe me, but thankfully he didn't press me any further on the topic. Well, at least not yet. If Jacob arrested Edward, would Edward sell out Alice as well? I knew that she hadn't exactly been nice to me, but she was still my friend.

"Do you know how badly I want to hurt him, Bella?" he asked softly.

I raised my gaze to look at him. "What?"

"For what he did to you…I could kill him, Bella." He said. "When I found you that night…I knew he had had something to do with it. I don't know how I knew, but I just did…and I was ready to track him down myself. I still would in a heartbeat."

"What's stopping you?" I asked, not really wanting to hear the answer.

"I know it'd hurt you if I did."