Goodbye, My Almost Lover
Summary: I can't lose you. Because if I ever did, I'd have lost my best friend, my soul mate, my smile, my laugh, my everything.
Disclaimer: I own nothing! The title of the story is from Fine Frenzies Almost Lover and chapter title from Breathe (Until Tomorrow) by Paramore
Chapter Eleven: Breathe For Love Tomorrow/Cause There's No Hope for Today
"It doesn't get better," I said. "The pain. The wounds scab over and you don't always feel like a knife is slashing through you. But when you least expect it, the pain flashes to remind you you'll never be the same."
― Katie McGarry, Pushing the Limits
"Bella, I love you," he whispered in her ear.
She smiled and buried her face in his side, looking at the kids run around the yard.
"I'm so glad I chose you," she sighed, and looked down at the ring on her finger.
It was a simple and handmade one that he carved for her out of the log that they sat on at First Beach. She had been sad to see the tree go but what she gained was so much more.
"Mommy!" her little girl called, running towards her.
Bella caught her in her arms, laughing as they spun around.
"What is it, baby?" Bella asked, looking at her perfect child.
Sarah, they named her after Jacob's mom. She looked so much like her father with her long dark hair, and her russet skin but she had Bella's nose and her lips.
"Tell Jolon that I'm not imaginary," Sarah whined and Bella felt herself pale.
"What?" she mumbled, feeling cold.
Jolon, her son who looked more like her than his sister with her brown hair and her eyes, pulled on the end of her skirt.
"Tell Sarah that this is just a dream," Jolon demanded and Bella started sweating.
"No…this can't be," she muttered and turned to face her husband.
Jacob stared at her with an unreadable expression.
"Jacob," she begged and Jacob shook his head.
"Look inside your ring," he stated and Bella put Sarah down so she could see.
Engraved in the inside of her ring were the words 'Until my heart stops beating.'
She dropped the ring and Jacob grabbed her hand, placing it over his chest.
"Feel that?" he asked and Bella shook her head.
"I don't feel anything," she mumbled.
Jacob gave her a sad look.
"Exactly."
Bella let out a slow breath as her eyes opened and she stared at the ceiling not even trying to get out of bed. This was the tenth time she had that dream. She glanced at her alarm clock seeing she still had 4 more hours before Charlie came to wake her for breakfast.
"Fuck," she cursed, and slammed her fist on the mattress.
This wasn't fair.
She got out of bed and went to her window gazing into the yard. She could almost picture Jacob out there, waiting for her to let him in. Bella blinked and he was gone.
"Bella," Charlie called from behind her and she turned her to face him.
"What are you doing?" he questioned and Bella shrugged.
"Trying to figure out why this all matters," she said emotionlessly.
"Bella, you can't give up. Things will get better," Charlie tried to reassure her and Bella glared at him.
"When?" she asked. "When will it better, Charlie? When will it stop hurting when I think about him? When will I stop seeing him everywhere I go? When will it end?" she demanded and Charlie had no answer.
"You may see a light at the end of this ugly ass tunnel but I don't!" she yelled. "And I can't keep waking up every morning with this false hope that he'll be here when I open my eyes."
Charlie started to say something but she brushed past him and left the room, grabbing her keys off the dresser as she went. Charlie chased after her but she was in her truck speeding out the driveway before he could reach her. This was the first time she had been in her truck sense the funeral.
"Sometimes...I feel like, I'm going to disappear."
"You're not going to lose yourself. I won't let that happen."
"How?"
Bella started hitting the steering wheel and cursing herself.
He knew.
He had to have known.
She hated him for not fighting harder for life. She hated Edward for coming back and ruining things. But most of all, she hated herself for not seeing this coming.
….
She was standing on the edge of a cliff. The same cliff that she had jumped off a few months ago in hopes of hearing Edward's voice. Jacob had been the one to save her then.
Who would save her now?
She looked down and saw the waves crashing against the cliff. Was this really what she wanted?
"Look, do you mind saving the stupid stuff for when I'm around? I won't be able to concentrate if I think you're jumping off cliffs behind my back."
But he wasn't around to do stupid stuff with anymore. He wasn't around to patch her up or tell her that I was being an idiot.
He wasn't around to hold her back.
Unable to think anymore, she jumped.
She thought she would feel something once she was falling in the air. But instead she felt numb. There was no high. There was no fear. She felt nothing.
Until she hit the water.
It was like getting hit by a car and a stinging pain spread across her whole body, taking her breath away. The water was so cold that it felt like spikes stabbing into her skin. She didn't fight the current as she sank underneath.
She standing on top of the snowy mountain staring at the back of the man she lost.
"Is it really you?" she asked, her voice breaking.
"I knew you'd come, Bella," he said, glancing back at her over his shoulder.
"Jacob," she whispered his name like a prayer.
"You're hopeless, you know that," he stated with a chuckle and started to walk away.
"Jacob…Jacob!" she tried to chase after him.
Jacob paused at the edge of the mountain and looked down into the nothingness below. He turned around to face her with a loving look on his face.
"Bella, do you want to come with me?" he asked, holding out his hand.
"Yes, more than anything," she cried. "I don't know how to live without you,"
Jacob's eyes were sad and filled with such longing that Bella's chest ached.
"You know the story in the Bible?" Jacob asked suddenly, pulling back his hand "The one with the king and the two women fighting over the baby?"
Bella looked confused.
"You asked me this before. It's King Solomon," she answered, wondering what that had to do with anything.
"That's right. King Solomon," he repeated. "And he said, cut the kid in half... but it was only a test. Just to see who would give up their share to protect it."
"I told you, I remember," she said, agitated.
He gave her a wistful look. "I'm not going to cut you in half anymore, Bella."
"Why does this sound like goodbye?" she asked, dazed.
Jacob turned away from her. "Because it is," he confessed then stepped off the edge.
"No!" Bella cried.
She reached out for him and- started coughing up her lungs.
"Breathe, you idiot!" a familiar angry voice yelled, and then there was a hard hand pounding on her chest.
"Jacob," she croaked, unable to open her eyes because they were gummed together with saltwater.
"Wrong again, Ariel," Paul sneered and Bella felt stupid.
"You know, everyone's getting sick and tired of having to rescue you from your own stupidity," he said, as he lifted her up and Bella groaned.
Why did he have to save her?
"Just leave me alone," she snapped, her voice still raspy from swallowing half of the ocean and coughing it all back up.
She tried to leave but Paul caught her by the arm.
"What the hell did you think you were doing?" Paul asked, gripping her arm so tight that it hurt.
"It's all I have," she admitted, a mixture of water and tears sliding down her cheeks. "I'm sorry."
Paul didn't look in the mood to be forgiving.
"Were you trying to get yourself killed?" Paul asked and Bella didn't answer.
Her silence was answer enough.
Paul laughed and Bella stared at him in shock.
"I don't believe this," Paul gasped out. "That idiot gave his life for nothing."
Bella's hand shot out before she could stop it and Paul caught her wrist. Her other hand came up and he caught that one to. Bella stared up at him with tear-filled eyes and Paul stared down at her with a cold gaze.
"You're pathetic," he whispered and Bella nodded.
"I'm just so angry and tired and sad. It's like those are the only emotions I have and then when I'm not angry I'm numb. I just wanted to feel something!" she admitted.
Paul continued to stare at her for a moment then sighed.
"Pathetic," he mumbled, before crushing his lips to hers.
Bella stayed frozen for a moment before she started kissing him back desperately. It was wrong but if she didn't look at him she could almost imagine in was Jacob kissing her.
"Why'd you kiss me?" she questioned and Paul shrugged.
"I'm not the best at moral support or healthy behavior but I do know something about anger," he stated with a grin. "And sex is an excellent distraction."
Bella stared at him, amazed with his shamelessness.
"I'm not offering," Paul informed her. "I have a girl now who'd probably kill me."
Bella frowned. So kissing someone other than his girlfriend was okay?
"Don't give me that look. There wasn't anything sexual or romantic in that kiss. It was a pity kiss," Paul scoffed and Bella really wanted to punch him.
"You're a jerk," she snarled, and Paul smirked.
"So I've been told," he said, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. "Now let's get you back to your daddy so he can take care of you."
Bella tried to remain stiff but Paul's heat made her relax and brought back memories.
"But I'll never see anyone else, Bella. I only see you. Even when I close my eyes and try to see something else. Ask Quil or Embry. It drives them all crazy."
"Can you do me a favor?" she asked, and Paul sent her a curious look.
That's how Bella ended up driving home with bottle of tequila hidden under her seat.
Anything to kill the pain.
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