Aftermath

April 15th 1912

Early Morning

It felt like hours passed. Between the sixteen year old and I, we had emptied his flask of whiskey. I sat on the edge of the capsized boat, pulling the boys coat around me tighter for warmth. I stared at the spot where Titanic had been sailing just moments before. There was a terrible aching in my chest that would not subside and my head was dizzy from the whiskey. I had eventually stopped shivering but my body was now painfully numb. The boy next to me sat hunched over and rubbed his hands to try and keep them warm.

They're gone, I thought to myself. All those people who went under with Titanic, gone.

The aching in my chest grew more intense, as did the feeling of guilt. If I had still been in the water, I fear I would have drowned from the heaviness in my heart. I felt an emptiness inside that was slowly eating away at me. How could I have survived while all those people were left to suffer? I shouldn't be sitting here on this capsized boat. I should have been in the water. There was a long list of people who should have been in my place; brave and innocent souls that deserved to live.

Despite feeling so sad, I didn't cry. This whole night had been a complete nightmare, and yet the tears didn't come.

Everything was growing quieter. I couldn't hear people in the water anymore and it frightened me. I wasn't sure what was going to happen next. I wasn't sure of anything anymore.

I sat stiff on the boat. Every part of my body hurt; even breathing made my ribcage protest.

Something flashed out of the corner of my eye. I turned to see a light. I couldn't quite make out what it was, but then I recognized the dark outline of a lifeboat that had launched during Titanic's sinking. With stiff and painful movements, I reached over to the boy next to me and grabbed hold of his shirt sleeve. He glanced at me and I pointed.

"There's a boat," I croaked, barley recognizing my own quiet voice.

The boy looked, then jumped to his feet. Despite the freezing air and the water, he found strength to throw his arms over his head and flag down the boat.

"Oi!" he cried out, "Over here!"

Soon the other men joined in, shouting and waiving their arms in the frigid night. The boat heard us, and it turned, shinning the light on us.

"Alright, up you go miss," the boy said, grabbing hold of my arm and pulling me up.

The boat inched its way closer. I waited for some sort relief at being rescued to fill my body, but none came. There were three officers in the boat and one of them I recognized. The last time I had seen him, was a few days ago on the first class promenade deck. It was Officer Lowe. He held the light, calling out instructions to his fellow officers. They rowed closer and closer to us.

"Easy now!" I heard Officer Lowe cry out as the boat came inches from hitting us, "Careful, nice and slow."

The lifeboat pulled up next to us. The boy looked down at me and smiled.

"Here you go miss," he said gently, taking my elbow, "Ladies first. Step lightly."

I did as I was told. Officer Lowe held out his hand and I took it, climbing into the safety of the lifeboat. I felt another coat being dropped around my shoulders. They must have gathered together as many extra pieces of clothing as possible to help warm the survivors that they picked up. I watched as one by one the men climbed up into the boat. There weren't very many of us.

Even in the boat, safe, and warmer than I had been, the weight of the whole night was still heavy on my shoulders. I felt no relief, or happiness or hope. Just despair and guilt.

We began rowing again and that is when I noticed a figure lying in the boat. I titled my head to get a better look at their face and gasped at what I saw, moving closer. It was Rose. Her skin was pale and her lips were blue. A thin layer of ice had formed on her eyelashes and her eyebrows. Her eyes were open but unblinking, and her lips were parted slightly. She was breathing, but it was soft and slow.

"Rose?" I asked gently, reaching over and carefully laying a hand on her chest. She was wrapped up tightly in a bundle of extra coats and blankets, "Rose?"

She didn't reply. She didn't even look at me. She just stared up at the stars.

I looked over at Officer Lowe, "What's wrong with her?"

Officer Lowe glanced back at me sadly, "She spent the night in the water miss," he replied.

I turned back to Rose. I felt the boat rock slightly as the boy who had shared his flask of whiskey with me made his way over to me. He sat down, putting a firm hand on my shoulder. I sat back in the boat, suddenly feeling very exhausted and tired. The last thing I remembered was watching Officer Lowe light a flare, the bright flame lighting up the night sky.

The next thing I knew, we were rowing towards a massive ship. The men that had been with me on the overturned lifeboat were helping the other officers row. I stayed where I was next to Rose, looking around. The night was slowly turning into morning and a gray haze had settled over the freezing Atlantic. The other lifeboats, about twenty of them, were making their way to the ship that had come to our aid. It was big, but nothing in comparison to the scale of the beautiful, ill fated, Titanic. Written in gold lettering on the bow of the ship was the name RMS Carpathia.

We boarded the ship. Two officers half dragged, half carried Rose onto the deck. She was conscious, but she wasn't responding to any of us. They sat her down on one of the benches on the third class promenade deck and I quietly took the seat next to her. The Carpathia was eerily silent. With the exception of some officers and the survivors of Titanic, the decks were empty. I watched as the people from the lifeboats began clamoring onto the ship one by one, looking scared and lost. I looked for the boy who had been so kind to me, and who had rescued me from the water but I had lost him. He was nowhere to be found. Stewards and stewardesses walked around handing out blankets for us, one of which I took gratefully.

We sat in silence for a long time and I watched everyone around me. Everyone had boarded and Carpathia was setting sail again, taking its passengers, as well as Titanic's, back to America. I finally turned to Rose.

"Rose, please look at me," I said gently but she didn't make any notions that she had heard me.

"Rose. I need to know, is Jack alive?"

Still no answer. I swallowed hard and got up from the bench to walk the promenade deck. I needed something to distract me.

Only, nothing could distract me. Everything reminded me of the events that had taken place over the past few hours. Passengers and officers of Titanic sat in groups, shivering and trying to comfort each other. Stewards were taking names down of Titanic passengers. I walked up to an officer who was talking to a woman. He had in his hand clipboard and was writing down as the woman talked fast. She seemed frantic, describing someone with brown hair. There was no doubt in my mind that she was looking for a loved one. I tapped the officer on the shoulder and he turned to me.

"Name please?" he asked.

"Emily Cross. Is there a Jack Dawson on your list?" I replied quietly and watched as he flipped through the list of names. He shook his head.

"Fabrizio De Rossi?" I asked and he checked again.

"No one by that name, sorry miss," the officer replied.

"Arlene Kelly? Anyone by the name of Cartmell or Dahl?" I tried, growing desperate. I just needed a name, any name.

The officer just shook his head at me grievously, "I'm sorry miss," he said then added, "I've only half the names of the survivors. You can try again once we get a full report."

I know the officer was just trying to give me hope, but it only made things worse. I turned and walked back to where Rose was. I had always known that there was a next to nothing chance that any of my friends had survived, but now knowing that they were truly gone, made my heart break. I was truly alone. I sat down next to Rose on the bench, fighting back tears. She turned to look at me, snapping out of shock and quietly leaning over and wrapping her arms around my shoulders. I hugged her back and the tears began flowing freely. Silent sobs from Rose told me she was crying as well. We sat there, hugging each other and quietly mourning the loss of our friends and lovers.

It was a few minutes before we pulled away. I hastily wiped my cheeks and Rose did the same. There was no need for words; an understanding passed between each other.

I turned to Rose, "Good luck Rose, with everything," I said gently.

"And your too Emily," Rose replied.

That was that. After our brief goodbye, we went our separate ways.

It was early morning when Carpathia docked in America. I stood by the ships railing as I watched the ramp lower to the warf. My breath came out in clouds of condensation and a chilly breeze was blowing. On the deck, photographers and reporters crowded around. People were shouting and jostling each other, the flashes of cameras snapping away like bright bolts of lightning. Police officers were placed to keep the press back. Behind them, relatives and friends of Titanic and Carpathia passengers waited. I bit my lip as I walked down the ramp with the other Titanic passengers.

The bright flashes from the cameras hurt my head and reporters grabbed for me, wanting a statement, but I couldn't face them. I kept my face hidden, staying to the back of the crowd. I moved along the dock, quietly looking for a familiar face. With all my belongings, my letters from Jack, my clothes and what money I had left, now at the bottom of the sea, I walked empty handed along the port.

I spotted him just off the port, away from the shouting reporters and weeping families. He was the same as I remembered from when I was a little girl, before I went to live with my grandmother. He had a bushy mustache and bright eyes with laugh lines crinkling the corners. His blonde hair was faded with streaks of white and his belly was as around as ever. Spotting me, his eyes glistened with happy tears. I felt my own eyes watering as a swell of emotions washed over me. My father opened his arms for me and I ran to his embrace, burying my face in his chest, just like when I was young.

He held me tight, running his hand through my hair to sooth me. We pulled away and looked at each other. There was so much I wanted to say but I couldn't find the words to say them. I knew my father had questions, but after seeing the look on my face, he remained quiet. There would be a time to talk, but it was not right now. With his arm around me for support, my father and I left the docks.

I looked over my shoulder at the Carpathia. It was all behind me now. I could forget it all.

I could forget everything, that is, but my friends. I wanted to remember them. I would remeber Helga and Fabrizio, who were destined to find each other, Tommy and his bravery in his final moments and Jack's feirce friendship. I would remember my friends. They would live forever, but only in my heart.