It's in the Genes
Author: Cheryl W.
Disclaimer: I do not own any characters or any rights to Dark Angel or Supernatural, nor am I making any profit from this story.
Summary: Crossover with DA and Supernatural -AU– It's the Winchesters who break Alec from jail in Hello/Goodbye and then they start road tripping together. No slash.
Author's Notes: Sorry that it took me some time to get this chapter down. I had to make sure I didn't write myself into a corner!
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Chapter 11
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Alec nearly stumbled out of the helicopter in his haste to get away from the cruel truth, to the hurt he had inflicted on Dean, to the acid like grief that was burning a hole through his heart. Brutally he shoved through the curious Terminal City onlookers, hating them for being there, for thinking they had a right to watch him come apart. When Max stepped into his path, her dark eyes filled with concern, with compassion for him, it was nearly his undoing. He didn't deserve that from her, from anyone. Easily, angrily he eluded the hand she reached out to him, walked by her like she meant nothing to him, worse, that she repulsed him, concealing that it was not her he hated but himself. Always himself.
Breaking free of the gathered crowd, he ached to run as far and as fast as he could, to leave everything behind, to tear out the part of himself that had, without his permission, adopted the compulsion to love, to let his happiness be so coiled with another soul that it could be stolen from him, forever. Slamming through the TC doors, he came up short as he realized what his anger, his despair had made him do. 'Dean's hurt and I just left him.' The cynical Manticore soldier buried in his soul hissed, 'left him dying' because mercy was an unknown component in those dark, molded depths of himself. Closing his eyes, hands fisting, he wanted to yell, to do something to make the crater in himself stop growing, to undo the words he had said to Dean, to be a better brother to Dean in the so very short time he had left.
He started at Dix's voice, eyes flying open to see the smaller mutant transgenic coming down the hall toward him.
"Hey, Alec, heard you came in on a sweet ride? Bet White's pissed. He's down two helicopters now."
Roughly, Alec fisted the shorter transgenic's shirt in his grasp, pulled him closer as he leaned down, fiercely ordered "My brother's hurt. Go help him. Now!" He punctuated his words by yanking Dix forward towards the doors, towards Dean.
Released from Alec's grip without warning, Dix nearly fell against the door. Giving Alec one scared look, he burst out the door like a Manticore assassination squad was on his six.
Cursing, Alec stalked down the barren corridor, away from the doors, away from TC's population, away from Dean. But in his heart, he knew he could never go far enough to stop the hurt, to stop the nearly paralyzing fear that Dean's confession had surged in him. Suddenly he remembered being reprogrammed after the Berrisford mission. Remembered the physical pain, remembered the way he welcomed that pain. Wanted to let them wipe his mind clear, to make it all go away, to succumb to the drugs, to the isolation, to anything just so he could get to that flickering moment in time when he didn't care anymore, about anything…or anyone. Even himself.
Not for the first time, he cursed Max, cursed her mercy, cursed her victory, cursed the day Manticore had been decommissioned. There he had belonged, had known what he was supposed to do, what he was supposed to feel. And if he treaded off the trail, they hauled him back, set him back on course, gave him his course. Here, free, he was lost, adrift, wanted so many things that he couldn't keep hold of, that he never should have reached for in the first place. Out here, he had done the worse thing: he had dared to hope, had dared to love.
Abandoning his restraint, Alec broke into a run, blurred through the corridors, determined to run until he couldn't go any further. Until he found a place to hide, until he rediscovered who he was if he wasn't a Winchester.
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Running across the open expansion of Terminal City's macadam frontage toward the helicopter, Sam ruthlessly pushed through the crush of transgenics. Ducking under the whirling copter blades, he yanked open the door with urgency, surprised and a bit worried that his brother had not already made his escape from the flying death trap. When Dean didn't look at him even when the door opened, kept his eyes forward, kept himself still, Sam frantically stepped onto the copter skid, nearly climbed into the helicopter as he called out "Dean!" one hand wrapping fiercely around Dean's wrist while his other hand fell onto Dean's shoulder.
When Dean broke from his immobility, looked at him, the relief that action instilled in Sam was dismantled by the sorrowful look in his brother's eyes. "Dean, what is it? What's wrong?" he asked, glancing to the other helicopter seat, hoping to get some answers from Alec. At the vacant seat, his eyes flew to Dean. "Where's Alec?"
Dean swallowed, but his voice was still a rough croak of sound when he made his answer, "He left, Sammy. Got as far away from me as quickly as he could."
Sam's brow furrowed in confusion. That didn't make any sense. At all. Especially when Alec knew Dean was hurt, would need help getting out of the helicopter, whether the stubborn fool wanted the help or not. "What? Why?" he asked in utter bafflement, but he saw it then, the flash of anguish in Dean's eyes. And suddenly, he knew what Dean was going to say before he said it.
"He knows about my deal, Sam," Dean miserably announced, knew he shouldn't have been surprised to see pain spark in Sam's eyes before his little brother looked away. It was a bitter reminder that it wasn't just Alec he was hurting, that there were more ramifications to him saving Sam than he could have ever predicted. "And to say he's pissed would be a major understatement," he tried to lightly drawl, knew even as he spoke that he was hoping Sam would offer him sympathy, that Sam would have his back in this situation, like he had so many other times. Sam didn't let him down.
Eyes moving again to meet Dean's, Sam gently justified, "Dean, he's hurting." He knew only too well how Alec felt right at that moment. The hurt, the anger, the fear, all vying for supremacy: It was a war he fought daily within himself.
Before Dean knew it, the next words escaped him. "He said he wished he had never met me." Instantly hating himself for throwing himself a pity party, for sounding so friggin' broken, so hurt, he gave a forced laugh. "That's almost funny coming from my clone, right? Considering if he never met my DNA he wouldn't even be alive…"
Sam easily saw through Dean's forced levity, could feel his brother's hurt that went to depths that Dean didn't want anyone to even know he had. "Alec didn't mean it, Dean. I would stake my life on it. Come on," he gently said, tugging on Dean's arm, urging Dean to leave the confines of the helicopter.
"Nah, stake my life on it. It's already on the chopping block.." Dean muttered, not dislodging Sam's hold as his younger brother slipped his arm around his back to guide him as he slid from the helicopter to terra firma. But the action jarred his broken ribs and he knew he wasn't successful at concealing his grimace when Sam practically velcroed himself to his side.
When Sam shut the door and maneuvered them to face the TC buildings, Dean wasn't prepared to be the center of attention of the transgenics still gathered around the helicopter. Then the crowd was being pushed aside, was forcibly being parted like the Red Sea. And for a moment, he let hope flare in him that Alec was returning, was forgiving him in some small way. It was like a stab in the gut when it was Dix who finally managed to part the crowd enough to gain their side.
The mono-spectacled transgenic purposefully crossed to Dean's other side and gripped the wounded man's arm. "I'll help you to the medic area."
Crossing in front of Dean, Sam reached out a hand to dislodge Dix's hold even as he stated, "Ah thanks, but I got him," even as Dean typically growled, "I got this," and yanked his arm from the shorter transgenic's grip.
Raising his hands in surrender, Dix returned, "Yeah, fine but at least let me walk with you, do some crowd control, do something so Alec won't rip my head off for not following his orders." He wasn't prepared for both brothers' gazes to lock onto him or for them to ask him simultaneously, "His orders?"
"Yeah, his orders. I was asking him about the copter and he said his brother was hurt, ordered me out here to help. And man, there was no way I was going to disobey and live," Dix recounted, fighting down a shiver at the look he had seen in the usually easy going X5's eyes. Turning from the brothers, he began pushing back at the crowd, "All right, nothing more to see, back to your lives of leisure," he lightly said, but his words were accepted, and the crowd began dispersing. Giving Sam and Dean a smile over his shoulder, he began walking forward, knew the brothers would follow his lead.
"See, Alec might be pissed but he still sent someone to help you?" Sam quietly pointed out as he slid his fisted grip higher onto Dean's right side to ensure he didn't jostle Dean's ribs as they headed toward TC's closest building.
"Ah, yeah, quite the body guard this one is," Dean groused under his breath, nodding toward Dix, who was one of the shortest, meekest transgenics in the whole compound.
Sam found himself giving a small, quiet laugh. It reminded him that no matter how angry he got at Dean, he couldn't find a way to stay angry, not with Dean peppering him with his humor, certainly not faced with the irrefutable proof of his brother's compassion for him and for others. And he knew in his heart that Alec would have no better luck holding onto his anger at Dean…but it would still take some time for the younger man to let go of his anger, to not let fear control him, to realize that whatever pain knowing Dean caused, not being with him was so much worse. But internally, Sam scoffed, 'Yeah, all Alec needs is time. The one thing we're running out of, that we're wasted on trying to save strangers. That I've let slip through my fingers when I should have been working on finding ways to save my own brother, should have truly been the selfish person Dean once accused me of being. Should have focused on the one thing I want, I need…my big brother not to leave me, to still be around to make me smile, to have my back, to fill the part of me only he can fill, that even Alec will never come close to occupying.'
At their progress, the crowd continued to part but the brothers came up short as Max stepped directly into their path, her expression assessing before morphing to sympathetic. Without asking permission, she slipped to Dean's other side, wrapped her arm high around Dean's back as if she had read a medical chart, knew Dean's ribs were broken, that any touch there would bring the unmodified human pain.
When Sam and Dean's looks both settled on her, neither verbally protesting her assistance but clearly questioning it, Max lightly challenged, "What? You have a problem with a girl helping you?" But there was a plea in her eyes, as if this was something she needed to do, wanted to do. For Alec.
Dean offered up a cocky, flirtatious smile. "No, no problem."
"Good," Max returned as if the matter was solved but she shot a look across to Sam, seeking for his approval as well. Finding she had it by Sam's slight nod, she gave an almost shy smile of thanks to the taller Winchester before the threesome moved forward.
Trying to distract himself from the pain emanating from his body and from his heart, Dean sincerely offered to Max. "Good job on operation good Samaritan." Instantly he received incredulously looks from Sam and Max both. "What?" he exclaimed, head swiveling to Sam then back to Max.
Sam almost sighed at Dean's tactics, though he knew he shouldn't be surprised. Knew that by now he should be used to how mercurial Dean could be, burying his own pain, pulling on a mask of lightheartedness, offering genuine compliments to others with a ready smile though his own heart was breaking.
For her part, Max shot Dean a stunned look. "You can't be serious? Have you seen yourself lately?! No wonder Alec is so pissed. The last people he wanted to be in harm's way was you two and look how this all turned out."
"What? Your rescue effects were captured on TV for all to see, White's attack on TC was repelled and you got a helicopter to add to your arsenal. Seems a pretty good outcome, all in all," Dean pointed out, honestly believing the day's events could be counted a land slide win. Well, except for the small matter of his youngest brother ending up hating his guts.
Max's look shifted from incredulousness to displeasure. "Crap, you are just an older version of Alec. White kidnapped you, looks like he did his best to kill you and you want to go and say "I'm always alright"," she heatedly mimicked Alec. "Well you almost getting killed, you looking like death not even warmed over, that's not alright with Alec. Doesn't look like it's alright with Sam, so your whole, 'the mission was a success', I wouldn't try selling it."
"Rough crowd," Dean muttered under his breath. "Fine, I'll can the 'glass is half full' stuff. But I want some credit in the helicopter acquisition."
Sam scoffed at his brother's demand. "Dean, you didn't even want to get in the helicopter. Alec practically picked you up and dumped you inside."
Undiscouraged, Dean insisted, "So, I'm still part of the reason TC is now the proud owner of a military copter. I want that written on a plaque hanging in the hallways or something."
Max snorted, "Yeah, sure. We'll put it beside the Zoning License we're gonna get from the city."
"So that's a 'no' on the plaque," Dean joked back as Dix and the threesome entered TC's interior and made their way down the hallway. But as he was helped into the medic area, the absence of Alec's presence ripped him apart worse than White ever could have accomplished. His last small, sheltered flicker of hope that Alec would forgive him died. Alec wasn't there, couldn't bear to see him, didn't care if his broken ribs shifted, punctured his lungs and he died on the cold floor of TC. 'Probably thinks that's what I deserve: to check out earlier than planned. Thinks I should spare him and Sam the wait. I'm leaving anyway, might as well go right now.'
"Dean?" Sam repeated for the third time, reaching out to grip Dean's chin, to ensure himself that Dean was still with him, that the vacant look in his brother's eyes was only momentary. Breath slipped back into Sam's chest when Dean blinked, when his brother's green eyes focused on him, saw him. "Hey, you alright? I lost you there for a little while," he tried to joke, hoped Dean didn't hear the crack in his voice even as he knew Max had, felt her stiffen at his side.
"What? Yeah, I'm here," Dean returned, but he was a little thrown off to find himself sitting on a thin mattress. Realized that somehow he had lost time, had slipped away to his own dark thoughts as they entered the medic area, didn't remember getting led here, pushed down onto the bed. But Sam brought him back to the here and now. And he could see the fear in Sam's eyes, could feel the bite of his brother's fingers into his chin, the grip desperate, fearful, determined. Alec might have given him up for dead but Sam hadn't. Not yet. And he loved Sam for that tenacity, for his loyalty even as he knew it would only bring Sam more pain.
"Where else would I want to be, right?" Dean glibly volleyed back, did it for Sam, did it to wipe away that look in his brother's eyes while he still could. "Hiding out with some mutants, my clone and my little brother, it's the makings of a great sci fi movie."
"Sounds more like a horror movie," Sam countered, found a smile breaking through his panic as he slipped his hand from Dean's chin, let his brother reclaim his personal barriers, let Dean lie to him and tell him that nothing bad was going to happen, that everything was alright, that he was going to be fine when he left. 'You don't know how wrong you are, Dean. How much you don't know about me, about us, about what I can handle.'
Feeling as if she was intruding on something personal between the brothers, something that went so much deeper than the words they spoke, Max took a step back from Dean. Knew that her presence wasn't even registering with the brothers, that her absence would not matter. Without a word she walked out of the medic ward, intent on finding Falon, aka X5-401, the only TC resident that had any extensive medical training, though the transgenic was one of the most callus men Max knew. 'Course callousness was probably the number one requirement to be a medic trainee for Manticore. Patch up your fellow transgenic one day, take 'em apart the next day for an experiment. Yeah, Falon's cold enough to be in their ranks. Now I gotta depend on that jerk to patch up Dean and if he does even one sloppy stitch, Alec will kill him, slow and painful. Well, Alec will, if he ever stops being mad and scared and gets his butt back where it belongs with his brothers,' but at that thought, her steps slowed. 'Alec belongs with me, right? I mean, it's great and all that he's got brothers now but ….But now what, Max?! He's supposed to throw them aside? For you? Because you said you loved him? Because you've decided to stop treating him like crap?!'
The answer was so clear it hurt. Dean and Sam, they had accepted Alec when she had pushed him away, had sheltered him from pain while she had dished it out. They had proven to Alec what love was while she was still trying to figure it out for herself. But more than that, Dean and Sam had given Alec the final piece of himself that Manticore had not, could not: they had proven to Alec that he was worthy of love, was loved, deeply and without reservations. She couldn't compete with that. Ever.
Part of her, the part of her that was learning how to love someone more than her own survival, that part of her was happy for Alec, was grateful to Dean and Sam for loving Alec the way they did. But the jealous part of herself, the part of her that needed Alec was aching with the knowledge that she came in second place to Alec's brothers, that Alec would chose them over her.
Once she had accused Alec of forgetting the one good thing Manitcore had taught them: to never abandon their unit. Now it was a bittersweet revelation to know that he hadn't forgotten it, he had just taken the long road to find his unit. And his brothers were that unit, were his unit. 'No matter what's going through Alec's head right now, he'll circle back to his brothers, he would never leave them,' she firmly believed. But her heart tagged on a fervent hope that Alec would find some room in his heart for her, that he would trust her enough to know she wouldn't get in the way of what he had with his brothers. 'Yeah and step one in proving that is getting Falon to patch Dean up and for me to make sure White's group isn't planning a retaliation, doesn't pose a threat to Alec's brothers. That Alec will value more than me going all girlie on him, telling him how I won't stand in the way of him being with his family, that I'll take whatever he gives me.' With that thought, she broke into a run, knew that she could prove herself to Alec, that it was way past time she made amends for past mistakes. For hurting him when she could have been healing what was broken in him, what was broken in herself. For not seeing the real Alec…for not even looking for the real Alec that Dean and Sam saw so clearly, had shown her since the three brothers had come to TC. The Alec that she loved even more than the Alec she had known before. 'The Alec that would kick my butt if he knew Dean was sitting in a medic ward without a medic in sight. Crap, Falon better be at his assigned station today or I'm going to rip him a new one.'
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Reluctantly leaving TC's medic area, Sam couldn't shut out the echo of Dean's order. "Go check on Alec. Do it Sam," as if it didn't matter that he was grimacing in pain, that the "doctor" checking him for internal injuries was just some X5 who learned some medical know how for some undercover assignment. That they weren't in a real medic ward, that there was no X-ray machine and they didn't even have the supplies of a rudimentary first aid kit. None of that was supposed to matter to him, was supposed to panic him. No, he was supposed to check on Alec, make sure Alec was alright. It was so reminiscent of Dean's breathless words in that cabin, their father's still possessed body lying inches away: "Where's Dad? Go check on Dad?" while he was lying there, bleeding, dying.
At his thoughts, Sam stumbled in the hallway, reached a hand out to steady himself against the wall, bowed his head and tightly closed his eyes. It was happening all over again, that feeling in his gut, that horrible pain, dread that he was watching his brother die, that he was going to lose Dean while he was forced to stand there, pinned to a wall, helpless, useless. That Dean would do what he had done his whole life: worry about his family first, leave no energy to worry about himself, to fight for himself.
"Sam," came the gentle, worried call.
Sam's eyes flew open and up to see Joshua standing in front of him, his eyes worried and gentle, a contradiction to his tall frame and canine features.
"Yeah," Sam returned, voice husky as he dropped his hand from the wall, stood up straighter, tried to wipe the despair from his features. But when Joshua tilted his head and looked quietly at him, he felt bare before the transgenic. Like Joshua wasn't fooled by his mask. Realized that Joshua had seen more than his fair share of deceptions at Manticore, could probably see right through the best of them.
"Dean hurt but going to be OK, right?" Joshua anxiously asked, confused and worried by Sam's obvious despair.
Sam nodded, knew his voice was too raw, his emotions too close to the surface. Couldn't even consider choking out 'He's going to be fine,' not when part of him was traitorously accepting that in a few months' time Dean could be gone, might be anything but fine.
With Sam's nonverbal reply and his contradicting sad expression, Joshua didn't feel his confusion lift but instead it grew. Reinforced what he had come to know in the short time he had spent with the Winchesters: that they were even more complicated than Alec. Made him suspect that they had higher highs and lower lows than even Alec could fathom. Maybe more than Alec could bear if the rumors spinning through TC were true that Alec had stalked angrily away from his brothers as soon as they returned to TC. And Alec's stark absence in the medic ward shouted to him that Alec was running away, was trying to protect himself against hurt, against loss.
Torn between wanting to shelter Alec from any more pain and listening to his heart, which was telling him that Sam and Dean were the best thing that ever happened to Alec, Joshua shifted on his feet, watched as Sam looked away from him, swallowed hard, tried to master his own pain. Suddenly, he realized that Dean, Sam and Alec, they were all hurting, broken, dark and confused but together they were something stronger, something better, something happier: family. "Alec goes to the abandoned room in the West building when he wants to think…be alone."
Looking up at Joshua, Sam wasn't sure if Joshua was giving him permission to find Alec or warding him away. "I need to talk to him, Joshua," his voice half plead, half conviction, fear and dread tripping up his heartbeat.
"I know," Joshua quietly acknowledged. "I will stay with Dean until you get back."
Before Sam could reply, Joshua stepped by him and headed for the medical ward. Left Sam standing there caught between a brother who was set on leaving him and a brother that might not want him around anymore. 'Especially after Alec hears my side of the story, knows it's my fault Dean made the deal.'
Not one to backdown, Sam drew in a breath and headed for the West building, toward the only brother he might have left in a few months' time. The thought chilled him even as it gave him a small jolt of comfort. Alec was here, in his life because of Dean's compassion, because Dean had dared to believe that there was still good in the world and sometimes it emerged because you took a risk, let your guard down, dared to bear your heart and love. 'Leave it up to Dean to find some miraculous way to give me something to hang onto, to save me even when he can't be bothered to save himself,' Sam thought, love and despair for Dean twisting in his soul.
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When Sam, with a last look of indecision, finally did what he asked and sought out Alec, Dean was relieved, felt a stab of guilt over feeling that way. But the truth was, his fortifications were crumbling. After going fifty rounds with White, after fearing that Sam and Alec would get killed trying to save him, after telling Alec about his deal, he had little bravado left to cling to, had little strength to shield Sam from his inevitable emotional fallout.
Sinking deeper into the thin mattress of the "exam table" of TC's less than reassuring medic ward, Dean closed his eyes, willed himself to keep it together. A surprised grunt surged from him as TC's only 'medical staff', Falon, roughly prodded his torso with cold fingers. But he kept his eyes closed, offered no biting criticism for the lack of bed side manners. He didn't deserve to be coddled, for his hurts to be treated with kid gloves, to get mercy when he had screwed up so royally as a brother, even as a protector because by his count, all he had done lately was hurt the people he wanted most to protect, he hurt Sam daily, had hurt Alec today.
Max's words came back to him about Alec wanting to protect him, to protect Sam. 'But it wasn't his job, it was mine, has always been mine. To survive whatever I had to so I would be around to have Sam's back.' And he had survived today, had fought as hard as he could. Even when it seemed inevitable that he was going to die, he had still raged against death, had done it for Sam, had done it for Alec. It was ingrained in him to worry about his family's safety before his own, to fight, to not give up…not until he knew Sam was safe, that he wasn't letting his family down, that his family didn't need him.
Now a part of Dean was whispering that Sam was safe, didn't need him any longer. Sam had Alec to watch his back, a superhuman little brother, who was stronger and faster than he would ever be, whose training probably surpassed his own. It left only the hunting techniques still to be learned and Dean felt no concerns there either because Alec was an amazingly quick learner. Knew Alec would have been an awesome asset for John Winchester, better than he managed to be at seven or even twenty seven. No, Alec would not let Sam down. His strength of character a result of Manticore's sometimes insidious methods and his stubborn Winchester blood wouldn't allow him to fail his older brother.
'Sam will be OK without me,' he told himself and finally, he believed it. 'They both will.' And part of him wondered if they would be better without him, wondered how long they would even miss him.
As the doctor ruthlessly pressed on a broken rib, he gave a gasp of pain, wondered if the doctor was purposely trying to shift a shard of rib into his lung, was trying to do him a favor and end his torment right then and there. Still keeping his eyes closed, he tried to shut out everything, everyone, tried to figure out the right path to take on his journey that was fast nearing its end, struggled to do the right thing, for Sam and for Alec. To not be selfish, to not take more from Sam than he already had, already was.
"You'll live," Falon announced brusquely as he looked down at his patient. Thought for a moment that the weak Ordinary had passed out until a bitter smile turned up the man's lips and the man opened his eyes. Speared with the Ordinary's dark gaze, Falon fought the urge to look away, to retreat, even as he told himself that this Ordinary wasn't his equal. But he couldn't help wonder about the truth of the rumors that this unmodified human had gone a few rounds with White. It was evident he had taken one heck of a beating…and it was also clear that he had held his own for a long while against the genetically enhanced cultist that Max herself had admitted had kicked her butt every time.
"You'll live," Dean repeated with a bitter laugh. "You have a money back guarantee on that diagnosis, doc?"
Angered that he felt intimidated by this Ordinary, that his medical skills were being challenged, Falon heatedly threw back, "You don't trust me, then patch yourself up." He tossed the roll of bandages and antiseptic bottle back onto a wooden table, proving that he wasn't running a bluff. "Or better yet, go to a hospital, you know where your kind can get properly treated. Where you don't have to bleed all over the place, where you don't have to use knives instead of scalpels and liquor instead of analgesia."
"You're right, I got this. Leave the supplies and get out," Dean growled, struggling to sit up, to back up his boast.
In bitter amazement, Falon watched his patient begin to sit up, knew the human could do it, would do it. 'Stupid Ordinary is going to kill himself. Well not on my watch. He's not going to ruin my reputation.' Cursing, he gripped the man's shoulders and slammed him back onto the exam table, would prove to the Ordinary who was alpha here.
White hot pain washed over Dean at the ruthless handling of his wounded body and he felt humiliated that a cry of pain tore from him, filled the room. But a second later his cry was drown out by an inhuman growl.
"Leave him alone!" Joshua shouted, the growl, the snarling that accompanied his words coming from him instinctively. Bounding across the room, he shoved Falon away from Dean, stood beside the prone human and growled, barked, snarled at the X5 that had hurt Dean, had dared to hurt someone he had sworn to Alec that he would protect. Had sworn to protect and had already failed at once today.
"You want to start something Rover, be prepared to get neutered," Falon railed back, shifting his stance, forgetting everything but the training Manticore had given him, had drilled into him until it was first nature: to fight, to survive, to kill.
Dean was shocked to see the two transgenics draw themselves into fighting stances, could feel the air vibrate with violence and challenge, knew that bloodshed was not only possible but probable if he didn't intervene. "Joshua, it's alright," he reassured, focusing on the canine transgenic.
"He hurt you," Joshua snarled as he took a menacing step forward, bared his teeth at the X5.
'So this is what it feels like to have a guard dog,' shot through Dean even as he reached out, wrapped his hand around Joshua's big wrist. To his surprise, Joshua stopped his advance instantly, looked to him as if seeking his next command, was readying himself to fill his next need. Unprepared for the open loyalty and obedience, he didn't know what he had done to earn it, certainly didn't know how to react to it.
Falon, meanwhile, wasn't speechless. "You like the Ordinary so much Rover, you take care of him," he snapped.
As Falon stalked by him, Joshua offered a barred teeth growl to his fellow transgenic. But feeling Dean's grip on his wrist tighten, he restrained himself from attacking, from enforcing a larger perimeter around Dean. When Falon slammed out the medic ward doors and Dean's hand fell away, disconnected whatever Dean had unconsciously bridged between them, Joshua shuffling uncertainly. For a few moments he let his eyes shift from Dean, to the floor, to the walls and back to Dean again.
Suddenly, scaring off the only doctor seemed a stupid move, especially now that Joshua saw Dean up close, could see the bruises on his face, his bloody lip and temple, the colored bruises painting his torso. But more frightening was the look in Dean's eyes. Joshua had seen it before, in his little brother's eyes when he had begun to give up all hope that Father would return, that things would be alright, ever again.
"I'll go get Alec," Joshua quickly reassured starting to head for the door, confident that if he could just reunite the family everything would be fine. Because he had always been certain that if he could have only reunited his little brother with his Father his brother would not have lost his way. But Dean's sharp "No don't," shook that belief, made him stop and turn back to Dean. He clearly read the plea in the man's eyes as Dean shifted upright, though pain distorted his features at the motion. "Then I'll bring Sam," he modified, still certain he knew the solution.
"Nah, you don't have to do that," Dean tried to nonchalantly deny, hoped Joshua hadn't heard the desperation, the fear in his earlier refusal. Swinging his legs over the bed, he sat up but his vision swam and his breath rasped out with the spike of pain his ribs and his other injuries delivered.
Easily detecting Dean's pain, Joshua stepped forward but didn't touch the man, understood too well about barriers, about cutting oneself off from physical contact, about doing things on your own. "I'm sorry," he breathed, surprised when Dean's eyes suddenly came up to meet his own, questioning, confused.
"Sorry for what?" Dean asked, knew Joshua's apology was sincere but had no clue why it was being offered, especially to him.
"That I didn't protect you like I promised Alec I would. Told him I would make sure nothing bad happened to his brothers…just like I promised Father I would protect Issac," Joshua revealed, hating himself for another failure.
"Isaac?"
"My little brother," Joshua answered before he looked away, said the rest. "Isaac gone now. He's gone."
"I'm sorry. Joshua, I know about losing family. And about failing," Dean snorted bitterly. "I've made a career at failing my family."
"No," Joshua refuted, eyes meeting Dean's. "You don't fail your family. I've watched you, with Alec, with Sam. You protect them, you save them, even from themselves. Alec …he's changed, is lighter..here," he said, pointing to his own heart. "And you did that, you and Sam. You could have made him your enemy but you made him your brother instead."
"He's not thanking me for that right now, Josh," Dean said, his voice rough and his eyes pained, couldn't help wondering if Alec would ever look at him again, let alone talk to him. 'Heck of a way to say goodbye, screwing up everyone I love. Good job, Dean. Just spectacular.'
Joshua tilted his head in confusion, knew somewhere hidden was the reason for Alec's absence at his hurt brother's side. "Why not? Why isn't Alec here with you?"
Dean's eyes did a hit and run with Joshua's and then he slid off the exam table, grimaced in pain as he stood up, pulled his button down shirt off the chair. Shrugging slowly but determinedly into his shirt, he lowly answered Joshua's question, "Because I did what I always do, I screwed up. Tried to the right thing…. did the right thing and somehow it's turned into the wrong thing." His attention focused on buttoning up his shirt, he shook his bowed head resentfully, admitted, "I've hurt the people I love."
"Can't make it better? Undo it?" Joshua asked gently, wanting a solution to be found, to see Alec happy, to see Alec and his brothers together, like he wished he could be together with Isaac.
The big transgenic sounded so naïve, so innocent that Dean looked up at him instantly. And immediately felt like he was about to teach a child the harsh truths of life. Teach another child that cruel lesson that life wasn't fair, that there were things that were out there and they would hurt you, things like big brothers who swore they would always protect and they had lied. He had lied. "Not this time, Joshua. I can't make this better, not for Sam, not for Alec. The only thing I can do for them is to stop being a selfish jerk. To do what I should have done months ago."
Seeing the resolve and quiet appeal for understanding in Dean's eyes, Joshua didn't try and stop Dean from slipping past him and walking out the door. Nor did he try to interpret Dean's cryptic words. Didn't have to know what they meant, only what his heart was telling him: That Dean needed his brothers. Needed them as badly as Sam and Alec needed him. "Family needs family," he said aloud to the empty room before he hurried out the door, intent on not failing Alec, determined not to lose another little brother to grief and loneliness.
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The room was dark expect for the slice of weak sunlight filtering through the dust layered window but Sam knew Alec was inside, was starting to sense his little brother's presence like he could his big brother's. Drawing in a shaky breath, he entered the room, had to stumble in the dark blindly a few steps before his eyes adjusted, until he could make out the figure sitting on the floor, back against the peeling wallpapered wall.
Concern and guilt overran Alec's frustration at being found. "Is he alright?"
When the younger man spoke, Sam flinched at the rawness of Alec's voice, felt a spike of anger at the question that he honestly didn't know the answer to. He hadn't been allowed to stick around and hear the doctor's diagnosis, had been sent on an errand instead. Knew Dean had made him leave to check up on Alec, knew just as certainly that Dean didn't want him to see how much pain he was in, wanted to conceal the damage White had done to him. Protective instincts, all of it. Typical Dean behavior. "The medic is looking him over now. He didn't seem concerned about Dean's condition," answering with the truth where he could.
It didn't take super senses for Sam to pick out Alec's small exhale of relief, to see some of the tension slip from Alec's shoulders as he leaned his head back against the wall and closed his eyes. Alec's love for Dean was so obvious and he envied him that freedom, that strength to feel, regardless of the consequences. Needing to look away, he walked to the window, used his forearm to wipe away some of the grim so he could see out the window, though he couldn't really see anything, could only feel despair creeping over him, entombing him.
Alec tried to hang onto his relief, to let this moment matter the most, to revel in today's victory, in the knowledge that Dean was going to be fine. But the future, the truth overshadowed everything, his relief, the comfort that Sam's presence gave him right then, his very breath. He thunked his head back against the wall, twice, before he opened his eyes, shifted his gaze to Sam's stiff posture by the window. The light illuminated half of Sam's face, highlighted the youngest Winchester's torment like a cruel beacon. "Course Dean's fine. He wouldn't dare cheat the hellhounds their sport, now would he?" he taunted, cold rage seeping from him where relief was a second before.
"Alec …" Sam stammered but he didn't face Alec, couldn't.
Disgustedly, Alec shook his head. "It was all there right in front of me. All except the truth."
Bowing his head, Sam, swallowing down a sob, quietly implored, "We didn't want…"
"To get the clone involved, smart move," Alec bit out, surging to his feet, heading for the door, knowing he was right, that he hadn't gone far enough away. Hated his weakness, because, no matter how stupid it was, he still harbored in his heart the belief that he was Dean and Sam's brother, that he was a Winchester.
Knowing he couldn't let Alec hang onto the misconception that it was about him not being family was, in fact, it was about him being family, Sam ran the few steps it took him to reach Alec, to be close enough to grab Alec's arm, to stop at least one of his brother's from leaving him. When Alec's eyes shot up to his, the despair and fury glittering in Alec's eyes scared him as much as it saddened him. "At first …that was true but the longer you were with us…Dean didn't want you hurt."
"Yeah, good, I feel great," Alec bitterly returned, the smirk he offered was like a grimace of pain, hurt Sam like Dean's deflection always did.
Meeting Alec's pained eyes, Sam breathlessly said, "I'm sorry, Alec," even as he felt tears spring to his eyes. Couldn't help but hear Dean's words echo in his head, 'I'm sorry, Sam. I know he was your Dad too.' But as much as the sentiments fit, he couldn't say them, said instead, "Maybe I should have told you. You have every right to be mad. But don't be mad at Dean," he implored, voice cracking on his brother's name, knowing that Dean didn't deserve Alec's anger, to be hurt by it. Not when it was his fault, Alec facing the prospect of losing his big brother, everything.
Releasing his hold on Alec, knowing he didn't deserve that comfort, that Alec wouldn't welcome his touch, his presence after he said what he had to say, Sam took a step back but kept his eyes on Alec's. "Be mad at me, Alec. I'm the one that didn't tell you about Dean's deal. But worse than that…I'm the one who screwed up, who left his guard down, who got himself killed. I was just…" a watery smile filled with self-hatred turned up his lips and he shook his head, tried to not break down on the next words. "Dean and I, we got separated and I thought Dean was dead. So when I heard Dean's voice…" he swallowed, felt the first tears slip free of his eyes, "when I heard him calling my name…when I saw him, nothing else mattered except that he was alive." And he could remember that moment, that joy. Wished he could find a way to tell Dean that his joy had surpassed the pain Jake delivered to him a few seconds later. That his big brother being alive was more important to him than himself dying. Would forever regret that he hadn't used the last breath in his body to tell Dean that, to make him know that he was alright with dying as long as Dean was safe.
"It's my fault, all of this," Sam breathed, saw confusion and pain in Alec's features. "I was so happy to see Dean that I turned my back on a murderer, Alec. It was my mistake that allowed Jake to stab me. Mine, not Dean's. And I should have told him before that it wasn't his responsibility to keep me safe, that it was my own."
All the breath left Alec when the last barrier dropped from Sam eyes, when he saw Sam's guilt, and fear, and pain unfiltered. Understood that, no matter what he was feeling, it was a thousand times worse for Sam, for Dean's real brother, for the brother Dean had bartered his soul away to save. "He wouldn't have listened, Sam," he softly refuted, hoping to ease some of Sam's guilt, to make him see that Dean would never give up trying to protect him, to save him.
Sam shook his head in harsh denial, "I did what my Dad did, I asked him to save me. And he did, Alec," Sam's voice shattered but he couldn't stop the flow of words. "He saved me and now he's going to Hell," he choked out, felt like speaking the words aloud was acceptance, was a betrayal to Dean, was akin to conceding the battle.
When Alec reached out to him, his eyes sparking with compassion, Sam pulled back. He didn't deserve forgiveness, not from Alec, not from Dean, not from anyone. "Don't," he growled. "Don't tell me how this isn't my fault!"
"Sure, take the blame, there's enough to go around," Alec challenged, the charade of lightness in his tone destroyed by the ache in his eyes as he paced around Sam. "Yours, Dean's. Mine for telling Dean that I wished I never met him, for leaving him in the stupid helicopter because I couldn't keep my crap together. So what if we waste the time we have to save him by cutting ourselves off from him. That we feel too guilty, that we're too scared to get closer to him. After all, we might just end up losing him anyway."
But then Alec came to a stop, met Sam's eyes head on. "Its poetic justice, actually," he revealed, his voice hoarse, his subterfuge of strength, of anything but grief and fear in his soul gone. "Rachel's Dad told me she had been dying for two years. Asked me if I knew what it was like to watch someone I love slip away from me everyday. And now I'm going to, aren't I? If I don't stop wallowing in guilt, if I don't stop mourning him before he's even gone…he will be gone, won't he?"
Sam stood straighter, found strength within himself to throw Alec a life raft, to remember that the fight wasn't over, not by a long shot. Wiping away his tears, he faced Alec, firmly vowed, "Not if we don't let him go. I'm not letting him go, Alec. And he's just going to have to live with that," he tacked on with a trembling but determined smile. Then he was stalking out the door, was heading back to his brother, was going to make Dean see that they were a package deal.
Hell would have to go through him to get to his brother. And that just wasn't happening.
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TBC
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Thanks for those awesome words of encouragement for last chapter!
And for those of you wondering if I'm going to take this story line up to the Season 3 finale…originally I was going to chicken out on doing that. However, I've gotten some wonderful encouragement to continue through that plot, so I think I might just venture there. And that's all the spoilers I'm giving away….unless you bribe me with something really good. (I'm not cheap but I can be bought.)
I pray everyone had a wonderful Christmas and I wish you all a Happy New Year!!
Cheryl W.