I swear you guys get better & better on your reviews on each chapter, thanks they have once again totally blow me away!
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Lots of Love/Hate for Andy, let's see if we can fix that...
Chapter 11
"What?". Andy shrieked out, not sure she heard Luke say those words, as she stopped dead in her tracks, red anger replacing the pale white of her face.
"Yup, I've decided you're fired, no more leaving, I..."
"Don't you dare finish that sentence! I've done everything right, everything the way it should be..."
Andy had her hands up to her head, pacing as as she made her arguments.
She was angry, really pissed off actually. She had NOT spent three years of her life, leaving everything behind, just to be fired, for no apparent wrong doing.
"Stop. You haven't Andy, that's the thing. With the job yes you have, but with you, you're life, Swarek, you haven't! Not even close! You've made some mistakes and so has he, but its time to let him fix it! He's suffered enough and served his time, so have you, so let him try, give him the chance he deserves". Luke couldn't help himself. He had to make up for his mistake of letting her leave to start with, the years of misery between the two being born out of his own selfish desire to get back at Swarek for being there when he so miserably failed at keeping something so valuable.
"What? So you're just gonna fire me?".
Was Luke really on Sam's side in attempting to make her stay?
"Andy, I shouldn't have let you join the task force from day one, not because you didn't deserve it, you did, but you deserved him more, you still do, and a chance at happiness, I'm to blame for this, so I'm gonna trade you back to fifteen in the morning. Trust me, its worth it". Luke abandoned the unopened beer bottles on the kitchen counter before making his way for the door. She had a lot to think about, a lot to think over.
"Luke...".
"Go get him, Andy". Luke said before closing the door behind him.
Andy grabbed one of the beers and twisted the cap off, taking a long sip.
A really, really long sip.
Was the universe against her going? Or was it just everyone in it? But why did it feel so good to be home, although it hadn't been a happy reunion, or a happy holiday. It was marred with sadness and twisted into more silent suffering. But it felt right, and felt good to hear Sam say those words again.
Although his timing had been so wrong the first time, the life and death situation they were thrust into the deciding factor that he used to first share them. Andy knew he meant them the day he said them, it was written on his face, but she doubted the long term truth of them because of the fact that he had said it when they were not even on speaking terms, not even friends, he chose to say them after he broke up with her.
Was that normal?
No!
But then again, neither were they, nothing about them or their relationship had been normal.
Besides, normal is boring.
And Luke firi...no trading her back, so she could have her shot at happiness? What was up with that?
Taking another long sip of her beer, Andy mused over all Sam's words, and his invitation to drinks at the Penny.
Slowly and cautiously, her mind drifted from the thought of drinks, to him asking her to stay, and giving him a chance. If that was what he wanted, then he was implying long term. But he knew her well enough to know that it would take her a while to let him back in, but he had waited for her before they were together.
This was his way of saying he would do it again, if it meant she would give him the chance, he would wait for her.
He had obviously heard she was leaving, and came to put up the fight she had always wanted him too, laying everything out in the open. No lies, no secrets, just the truth, whether or not she was ready for it, he let it all out there into the open.
It didn't seem like he was really asking all that much of her, maybe just for her to put a fight, like she had years before when she went back to the Alpine, like when she came back from North Bay, when he dropped off her stuff after telling her all she wanted was to keep being a cop and all he wanted was her, and she wouldn't let him leave, told him they had a chance to start. He wanted her reasurrance that it was still there, and that she was still feeling something.
Andy thought over his reaction to her her admitting she sorta lied when she said she didn't...
Her mind drifted back to the day she was holding the grenade, the memories playing out in faded images.
A gentle tug on her heartstrings, a clear indication that she would never really and truly let go of that day.
"Andy, do you still love me?". He had asked the question looking right at her, almost as if his eyes were looking into her soul.
"Andy, that's all I want to know?"
He had pleaded for an answer when she remained silent, a minute later, like their time was running out.
"No Sam...I...". Andy held his gaze, answering his question while looking him straight in the eye. But she never finished her sentence. She never finished what she wanted to say that day, then he had reached out for his radio and asked where ETF were before asking for someone to take her out.
She let him believe that she was trying to say no, that she didn't love him anymore when she had wanted to say that no, she was more in love with him because he came for her, came in there with her holding a live bomb in her hand because she needed him and even though they were in a really bad place, he was there for her when she needed him, and she didn't even have to ask him. He just was.
All these years, she never found the will to forgive herself for making such a simple, stupid mistake, and never tried to fix it by simply finishing that sentence. She had the need that night to know what he wanted her to promise, when she should have just told him the few words that would have changed their lives.
Was she really that stupid, and that dense?
When Sam had first said that he loved her, it scared her in the moment because it was as though he thought that she was going to die then and there, then it felt like he thought he was going to die when he let them take her out.
Andy let her mind graze over his reaction to her admitting her 'lie' again, only this time she remembered Sam didn't get mad, he didn't get angry, because he knew she didn't lie.
He knew she just clammed up when she heard those words because she had never expected to hear them, not to mention his bad timing, it just being all wrong.
When he asked her why she 'lied', it was his way of letting her know that she didn't, that he figured it out when he heard what she said to Tommy, that there was nothing for him to forgive her for, despite the fact that he may have believed that she had lied then, because he was scared too.
Scared because she loves him back. He said 'because you love me back' not phrased in the passed tense as you loved me back, he said love as in present tense.
She didn't lie. And Sam knows she still loves him.
The thought caused her to smile, she could finally let go of her need to find forgivness in herself, because she didn't lie, and Sam didn't need to forgive her because he knew, he just wanted the reassurance that what he thought he knew was the truth.
Andy sighed as she took another sip of her beer, everything just sounded so easy in her head, but how exactly was she supposed to convince him that even though Luke was trading her back, she wanted to stay.
She wanted to be here, and regretted the choices she made everytime she left. A million thoughts ran through her mind as her heart suddenly felt whole, but her stomach twisted into knots at her dilemma.
She had let go of her self inflicted, stupid fear, her need to run evaporated the minute she actually saw Sam, she didn't wanna leave, but circumstances played their part in finally keeping her grounded and here, so things could be fixed, she could be fixed and she could fix Sam.
Maybe it was the right time now. To do this, try them? She just needed to convince Sam of that, especially when he heard she was fired, coz his first thought would be- she's staying coz she doesn't have a choice.
Maybe drinks would be a good place to start...?
Leaving her beer unfinished on the counter, she headed for the shower.
An hour later Andy found herself staring at the outside of the Penny's door. She had been staring at it for the last ten minutes as though it was about to violently attack her. People swept in and out, seemingly unaffected by her lost, lingering presence outside the door as they arrived or left.
The door opened, loud giggles wafting out to Andy's ears as a familiar face stepped out and stopped in front of her.
"Hey, why are you staring at the door?". Traci said as Andy looked up nervously.
"Oh Andy, what are we gonna do with you?". Traci said as she pulled Andy into a hug at seeing her eyes mist up.
"No, its not, I got fired so I'm not leaving and Sam came over and had a lot to say, I'm still trying to process it..."
"You're staying?". Traci only seemed to hear the most important words as they filed out in a rush.
"Yeah, I think so". Andy stepped back and met Traci's huge smile with her own.
"So? Gonna go in there and fix it? He's had a few and keeps looking at the door, so I was wondering when you were gonna show, just didn't wanna jinx it".
"Really?"
"Yup, he's trying to fix it, give him the chance okay? He is so miserable without you, I haven't seen those Swarek dimples since you left, so go get me some eye candy". Traci gave Andy a squeeze before letting her go, not missing the exaggerated eye roll that floated out with a giggle.
"Okay, I can do this". Andy said before pulling on her jacket to straighten herself out as though she needed it before making her way inside.
Sam didn't see the door open, or notice her presence until she spoke softly from behind him as he eyed the tequila shot clutched in his hand.
"If I ever go missing, put my picture on a tequila bottle, not a milk carton? I want the fun people to find me".
Sam nearly dropped the shot glass as he heard her attempts to break the ice before sliding onto the bar stool next to him.
"If you ever go missing I will find you". Sam uttered before he realized that he turned her joke into a mushy promise. A very intense one.
To which Andy said a soft "I know" before signaling to Liam for two more beers.
"Hey". Sam said looking over at her, like some lovesick teenager.
He was lovesick, but way, way older, she just caused all rationality to escape him, so whenever she was in the same room, the lovesick sorta displayed itself.
"Hey". Andy giggled, turning to face him, her beer bottle clutched tightly in her fingers.
"So, where's Oliver?".
"He left just before you came in". Sam was keeping himself contained at the possible meanings of her presence here.
"Oh, okay".
The conversation was stiff, the mood somber and the air around them crackling with the chemistry they still had, just not in a tense or awkward way. It was just not right, not quite where it should be.
Well aware of all eyes on them neither was willing to just let go or get lost in the moment.
"So, you kinda got me fired". Andy whispered looking down at her bottle, having waited for Sam to finish swallowing his sip before he sprayed it everywhere, including all over her.
She had thought of a hundred different ways to say this, but decided on the 'let's blurt it out in honesty at the spur of the moment' approach.
So there it came.
She looked away just for a split second, before letting her eyes drift back to Sam to see him incredibly aggitated, with his jaw clenching.
"What? How... I didn't do anything I swear". Sam had his hands raised up pleading his innocence.
"No, actually you did". Andy was trying to keep the smile off her face, and a sharp edge to her voice.
"That son of a bitch, I'm gonna kill him the next time I see him". Sam slammed his bottle down on the bar counter loud enough to draw back any eyes that wandered away from them.
"Nope, you're gonna,...".
"No Andy, you've worked yourself practically to burned out and he fires you? You're a good cop, why the hell would he fire you?". Sam stared at Andy with a heated look as his tongue felt the inside of his cheek, frustration seeping from him.
"Because I really wanna stay, and so that the choice of staying or the job was made a little easier, so that I can stay, he's trading me back tomorrow". Andy let the mega smile that wanted to break free finally sweep over her face as the spark flickered into her eyes.
"You're staying?". Sam let his dimples flare, much to Andy's amusement remembering Traci's comment from on her way in.
"Yup". Andy nodded affirming her soft hint at her lack of will to leave now anymore anyway.
"Let's go". Sam said suddenly sliding off his chair, throwing some notes on the bar before grabbing Andy's hand and pulling her out the door despite her protests. The only words he had rolling around in his mind were the ones she said that were 'I wanna stay'. Anything other than that was collateral damage to deaf eardrums.
"Just take a walk with me, please?". Sam stopped when her hand slipped out of his, her feet planting her in the middle of the Penny's parking lot.
Andy walked over to Sam and the two fell in step as they made their way to the end of the block, each hanging onto their own hands.
Sam crossed the street, walking over the plush green grass of the park and disappeared into the lingering shadows of the badly lit open space.
"Sam?". Andy tried not to sound jumpy, but dark places just didn't work for her since she spent too much time UC blending into them. Hiding in them.
"What, don't you trust me?". Sam's voice in her ear caused her to jump, his presence so close to her, it almost went slipping away under the memories of her time away.
"Ass". Andy said as she swatted his arm before he began walking away backwards, hands stretched out in innocence.
Walking further into the park, Andy noticed they were approaching a tree, most of its leaves gone from its branches, the remaining ones shades of yellow brown red and gold.
Sam stopped in front of the tree as Andy took a step closer to see it filled with carvings, different sizes and words flowing in different directions, until her eyes found what Sam wanted them to see. Listed in rows, carved in the bark were a series of dates, where others had written words, Sam had carved dates. Andy remembered the date of the day she took him down, as she ran her fingers over the indented digits.
There was the day she was cut loose, the blackout, the date of the Alpine, the dates their suspensions started and ended, her birthday for every year over six years. The date she told Sam she loved him, the day she held the grenade,The dates she left and came back and left again wrapped around the broad trunk of the tree, Jerry's birthday and the date he died were etched slightly above hers, bearing an importance of their own. Andy walked around the broad tree, her fingertips gliding over the rough bark as her eyes took each date in. Her dad's birthday and the day he died once again filled an area just off centre of hers. There was even today's date, etched in the wood, a long area of open bark filling around it. So many dates over seven years filled the trees bark, forever carved into its splintering wood.
"Sam?". Andy meant it to come out strong and determined but it came out broken and faltered in a voice that wasn't hers.
"It started out as an 'adopt a tree' project, the department thought it'd be a good way to raise money, to fix up the park, so I bought this one".
Sam watched as Andy kept running her eyes and fingertips over the bark, until they froze when he said the how it came to be, but not really answering her question of why and what.
"I told you seven years...". Sam said as he saw Andy's eyes widen as she found the 'Sammy loves Andy' carved on the other side of the tree as she rounded it. The date under that was...during the six weeks between them breaking up and her holding the grenade.
"But its wrong". Andy said as she looked towards Sam for the first time since she saw the tree.
"Why?". Sam took a step back, shoving his hands into his pockets as he felt his defense mechanism flare. His shoulders stiffened just a little, as if he was ready to put up another fight for her to see how right this was.
"It should say 'Andy loves Sam' right here". Andy said pointing to a bare unmarked area of the tree trunk.
"You mean that?". Sam couldn't help the question as her words freed themselves. Even though the dimples were on display, his smile just didn't seem to ignite the spark in his eyes.
"Yeah, seven years Sam, it doesn't just go away". Andy pulled her hand from the bark as she shifted around nervously. She felt like she was twelve.
"So why'd you do it?". Andy stepped over to Sam, as he kept looking around, the only sign of him being nervous was his eyes holding the slightest tint of it.
"Coz life without you isn't an option. This way you would always be here, no matter what. Like I said, I just couldn't imagine my life without you in it. I couldn't come after you then, you were UC, but I wanted to. I wanted to put up the fight then, I just didn't know how, or if you would be willing to let me, so I did this instead".
Andy was brutally shocked by Sam's declaration. Whatever she expected him to say, it was not that.
"The day...when I was holding the grenade, I didn't lie. I tried to say that I didn't feel the same way anymore, not that I didn't love you anymore, I let you think that coz I was assigned to leave and scared of what you were saying and coz in that moment I though I was gonna die, then I thought you were gonna die. And you came in there, no concern for you're own life, and you told me you loved me before taking the grenade and letting me leave, after I said that to you. That was the worst feeling ever Sam, knowing I let you believe that I didn't love you anymore, when in that moment I fell even more in love with you, if that's even possible. I just didn't know how to say it, or if I should say it. I was so scared, scared that if I let you in, you would break the little piece of me that was left. I wasn't scared coz you were there, but when I went out and left you in there, holding that bomb, I died ten times over, coz I was scared of losing you. Having you there, in my life wasn't enough, but it was something, even though you weren't mine to loose then...".
"Andy, I've always been yours. Even before you knew it, I was, even when you were gone, I tried to move on, but I couldn't, I didn't want to, its always been you, even now". Sam's reference to Angela made Andy wrap her arm around the tree, and lean into it as the memory fluttered through her mind as she pinched her eyes closed.
"Do not even go there, that was not even worth counting. I tried dating once, with her and my heart just wasn't in it, coz it ran away with some rookie". Sam said leaning into the tree on the other side, looking around the corner right at Andy when she opened her eyes to see where he was moving to.
Andy smiled at his words, they seemed to come so easily now, where before they had never come.
"I didn't touch her, below the face anyway, it just didn't feel right". Seeing Andy's thought cross her mind, his words were meant to reassure her.
"Sam I didn't..."
" I wanted you to know that". Sam said still eyeing her from behind the broad tree trunk, as she let his words roll around in her mind.
"Hey Sam, if you can catch me, I might let you keep me, tag you're it". Andy brushed her free hand over Sam's arm before she pushed off the tree springing away, towards the swings before coming to an abrupt stop, Sam slowing down as he saw her stop. He was wondering how she expected him to catch her when they both knew she would be gone before he blinked an eye, not just from the sudden dash she made but the fact that she was fast, and that she would outrun him if she tried. As juvenile and childish as her sudden antics had been, Sam's gut was screaming at him that there was some kind of bigger significance, a higher meaning buried somewhere in them.
Seeing her stop and spin around caused momentary concern to fill him as he jogged over to her before calling out to her, making no attempt to hide the concern dripping in his voice.
"Andy?".
"I'm done running, I want you to catch me this time Sam. The first time I left coz I wanted you to follow me, put up a fight, but you didn't, coz you couldn't. I get it, but when I came back and I thought you moved on, I gave up the fight I should have put up for you, and I'm sorry Sam, I never should have left". Andy said as she looked around the empty park shrouded in darkness, the only lights were lining the street a distance away, and the moon as it let its beams dance over her hair and cast shadows over her face, while her fingers hooked themselves into the back pockets of her jeans.
"Only if I get to keep you Mcnally". Sam said holding out his hand as he reached her.
Andy let her hand move forward, letting him twine their fingers together as he wrapped his over hers. The rough skin of his scar glistened as the silver light of the moon causing Andy to take in a sharp breath as her eyes saw it flicker.
"It wasn't you, my temper got the better of me". Sam said as he moved it away from her line of sight.
"Besides its like you branded me". A deep chuckle followed his words.
"What?".
Sam moved his hand back to reveal a scar across the top of his hand that looked like a kids crayon drawing of an A.
Andy ran her fingers over the broad lines of the scar before she felt Sam pull her closer.
"So, do I get to keep you?". Sam had the goofiest grin on his face as he waited for her answer.
Andy just nodded, before hiding behind a curtain of hair.
"Promise?". Sam was leaning down to capture her gaze as she avoided looking at him, nervousness making her flustered.
"Yeah". Andy whispered finally looking up.
"I know we have a long way to go, but we're gonna get there Mcnally. I'm not letting you go this time" Sam said pulling her a tad step forwards.
"I know". Andy sighed as she rested her head in the crook of his neck, her favorite place to snuggle in to.
"So...um, where do we go from here?". She whispered, before biting her lip.
"How about I take you home so you can get some sleep? We'll talk in the morning". Sam said as he let her go, before tugging her hand towards the Penny.
"Sam! That wasn't what I meant". Andy said pulling her hand free of his when she stopped.
"I know, but you're gonna think about it, and tomorrow we'll talk and you can tell me where you wanna go, coz we're gonna do this your way, however you wanna do it, at you're pace". Sam felt out of place, he was rambling like Andy usually did. He shifted around nervously as she came walking towards him mumbling a soft 'okay', wearing a huge smile.
"So ready to go?". Sam said holding out his hand again.
"Yeah, um, about that...I kinda think you'll have to take me home, coz seeing as I was leaving I kinda donated the beds to the orphanage this morning, and I am Not sleeping on that couch, so...".
"We are not going there Mcnally". Sam sighed as he let his hand slip free of her grasp as she kept on walking, the evil twinkle in her eye visible from the moon.
***** so they're finally getting somewhere!
Let me know what you think, hopefully some of you have kinda forgiven Andy a bit lol!
***thanks for reading, have an awesome day!
Jelly Bean Jenna©