Chapter Eleven

The Waiting Game

Caden fumed for a solid hour after Alistair had gone. Morrigan had instructed her to sleep while she, Jowan and Teagan minded the castle, but Caden could not rest. She felt furious with him for being so short-sighted and for possibly endangering the village in lieu of what she felt was a softer option. She didn't want to kill a little boy, not if what Isolde said was true and he did still retain something of his humanity within him. Of course, the Arlessa could have been lying to save her son, after all she had already allowed the villagers to undergo terrible attacks just to protect Connors secret. Caden couldn't fathom such devotion: sure she had those she loved and whom she felt she would die for, but to keep a secret knowing that he had done wrong and was causing harm to others through that? Then again, she thought with a heavy heart, she had murdered countless knights for Shianni. That thought constantly festered at the back of her mind. Naturally at the time of her killing spree she had been filled with ferocity and the sure thought that what she was doing was right. Every man had been a threat to her at that moment and she had been hell-bent on reaching Shianni that she had not cared for their lives. She had ended them as swiftly as possible paying no heed to any possible consequences. She wondered, lately how her companions would view her actions on that night. There was no doubt in Cadens mind that her ultimate goal had been a noble one: a rescue mission to save her poor cousin. But had that end justified her means? She felt sure that Morrigan would agree with her, but while she liked the witch Caden had to concede that Morrigan tended to err on the side of ruthlessness. It might often be the most effective way to view the world, but it was a sad one, too. Caden decided she would prefer to hesitate than strike a killing blow, as she had demonstrated earlier, by not immediately killing Connor.

She thought to Leliana and Sten who had agreed to accompany Alistair on his possible fools errand. Leliana had been quiet and quick to side with Alistair. She must have thought that Cadens solution was too harsh. She wondered how the cloistered Sister might judge her death toll when she saved Shianni. Would Leliana think badly of her, the woman who protested against killing men who had yielded to them? Caden felt certain that she would. She sighed. It was undoubtedly easier to make decisions through Morrigans eyes than Lelianas, but Leliana might have been the one who was right.

Which brought Cadens unsettled mind right back to Alistair. A gnawing at the pit of her stomach made her wonder if she had been too hasty. Alistair and Morrigan were opposite sides of the same coin; while one was sometimes cruel and often calculating, the other was soft and often cautious. Which was it better to emulate? Caden didn't know.

Her fitful thoughts eventually gave way to sleep and she spent a rough few hours tossing and turning and having vivid, inexplicable dreams.

The next day Caden emerged and began making rounds about the castle, ensuring that nothing was untoward. The demon lay silent, although its presence permeated each room. Caden found Teagan in what she guessed was the Arls study. His eyes were bloodshot and there were lines drawn across his forehead. It didn't look like he had slept. He offered a ghost of a smile at Caden as she entered. "Good morning Warden. I am glad to see you managed some sleep."

"It looks like you could use some rest yourself, Teagan." Teagan waved her observation away. He resumed leafing absentmindedly through the papers on the desk. "Are you looking for something in particular?"

"Hmm?" Teagan looked up. "Oh no, not really. I am just seeing if there is any urgent business I ought to be doing in my brothers absence. Or rather, I am looking for something to take my mind off the situation at hand." He sighed and a small sob escaped his throat. He kept his head angled downwards when he next spoke. "I am not my brother...I am not an Arl." Caden swallowed and went around the desk to him. Once she was stood beside him she realised she could think of literally nothing to say to comfort him. Teagan didn't seem to sense her discomfort and carried on speaking. "My brother is ten years older than I am." He said. "He and my sister, Rowan, always looked out for me, especially after our father died. When Rowan died, Eamon was my pillar of strength during that dark time. I am afraid of having to fill his role should he...not recover from this."

Caden suddenly wished she were anywhere but here. She patted him awkwardly on the back. "He will recover, I'm sure. Everything will be alright once we have dealt with the demon." Even as she spoke she heard how hollow the words sounded. Nevertheless Teagan drew some solace from them.

"Eamon is a strong man," Teagan said, almost as if to himself. "He has done so much for his country during his life. Maker, he even took in Alistair when he was a baby."

Caden didn't know what that had to do with Ferelden as a country, but she nodded along anyway. "Alistair said told me he owed Eamon a lot."

"I'm sure he does feel that way now, although he certainly didn't feel that way when he was growing up," Teagan said managing a smile at the memory. "I'm sure he told you about being sent to the Chantry?" Caden nodded. "It really was the best thing to do at the time. Isolde had him sleeping in the stables here...that couldn't go on. She mistrusted his birthright and Eamon needed to think of somewhere else he could go where he would be better cared for. I think he has always regretted not standing up to Isolde more, but as you saw," he dropped his tone conspiratorially, "she can be quite difficult to argue with."

"I think Alistair feels badly about being angry with Eamon for sending him away." Caden said quietly.

"I'm sure he does, but Eamon holds no grievance against him." Teagan said decisively. He reached into one of the open drawers and drew out an amulet on a silver chain. "This belonged to Alistairs mother. Alistair used to own it, but it broke so Eamon took it to fix it. He hasn't had a chance to give it back to him yet." Caden looked down at the unassuming jewellery and wondered what hold it might have for a man who claimed his only true family was the Grey Wardens. Teagan took Cadens hand and even as she made noises of protest, placed the necklace on her palm. "I think you should keep it for the time being. Give it to Alistair when he returns. That way he will know just how much Eamon thinks of him until he can wake up and thank Alistair for his efforts to save Connor and Redcliffe."

Jowan paced the corridor beneath the family's quarters where Connor had waited like a spider patiently expecting its prey for two days and one night. Part of him wanted to take the decision away from everyone and just put an end to the demon, but he could not bring himself to do it. He had promised to try and make things right and this was unequivocally bound up in preserving Connors life wherever possible. He wasn't honestly even sure he could perform his ritual. He hated the Arlessa, he knew that much. She had had him tortured; stripped and whipped, bound and gagged, shackled and frozen. She hadn't wanted information, just revenge. For something he had not done! Alright, he would admit to poisoning the Arl, which he supposed had led to the current events, but even so he felt the torture was rather an exaggerated punishment. So yes, he loathed the Orlesian woman. He didn't want to kill her however and he was fearful of what Eamon might do to him when...if...he ever woke up, if Isoldes blood was on his hands. Then again, Connors blood on his hands might be even worse for him.

So they were waiting for the mages to come. Which would probably include First Enchanter Irving and, as he had no doubt the male Warden would mention his name, a fair few Templars. Probably even Greagoir. Great...

Jowan heard a noise upstairs and jumped at the sound. His heart hammered away and his breath caught. He was a bag of nerves. He wished the decision could be made and damn soon.

"Jowan?" he turned as he saw the Warden walking towards him.

"Good morning," he said. "At least I think it is the morning."

"Not yet," Caden nodded. "Dawn has not broken, we still have some night left. And still Connor waits." She looked up the stairs. "It is as if he knows of our plans and knew that if he challenged us we would be forced to kill him."

Jowan stole a glance at Caden while she gazed up the stairs lost in thought. Her face was taut with worry and she had spent the last few days getting less and less hopeful. She was a very beautiful woman, he hadn't been able to help noticing. Sad, but quite lovely. Jowan had known of a very few elves in the tower, but this was the first time he had really noticed the delicate features elves were known for. The fact that she could probably kill him in one motion meant he tried to keep a good distance between them, but she seemed quite relaxed in his presence. He had wondered of this and deduced that it was likely that she did not really understand what blood magic was, save its forbidden nature.

With a sharp pang he thought suddenly of Lily and immediately felt cross with himself for having let her slip from his mind albeit briefly. "Can I tell you how I ended up here?" he asked. It suddenly felt like the most important thing in the world to explain himself to her. Caden snapped out of her daydream and turned to him.

"If you like." She said absently.

"I just think...well, it might put things into perspective." Jowan went on. "I would hate to be thought of as nothing more than a no-good poisoner. Not that I'm trying to absolve my guilt or deny that it happened, you understand." He added quickly. Caden merely observed him and waited for the story to come. Jowan considered her for a moment. "What do you know of life in the tower?"

Caden shrugged. "Next to nothing, I'm afraid. Morrigan tells me its little more than a mage prison. Alistair tells me it is both a home and a school for magic."

"Well, they're both right to point," Jowan said grimly. "The tower was my home and I had a happy childhood there. Happier than I had with my parents, that's for sure. They didn't trust my abilities. My own mother called me an abomination. When I ended up in the Circle at 5 years old it was the only home I've ever known. For a long while I loved it. But then I got older. I started to mistrust the Templars who watched us like hawks. Or snakes, maybe. Like some sort of predator anyway. They didn't trust us and that was evident. And the mages just put up with it. It got my back up when I was a teenager." Jowan rubbed his hands along his arms as if he were cold. Caden listened—she knew the feeling of being watched by apparently superior beings and could sympathise, but she tried to keep an open mind and wait for the rest of the tale. "When a mage is deemed ready they go through something called the Harrowing. It is shrouded in secret, but my closest friend went through it right before all this dreadful stuff happened and he told me. They send you into the Fade and you have to prove that you can outwit and out-battle a demon. If you can't then they kill you. If you can then you are promoted from apprentice to a fully fledged mage. It's one step closer to possibly leaving the tower." Jowan looked wistfully out of the nearest window at this.

"So, you never went through this Harrowing thing?" Caden asked.

"No," Jowan said, bitterness slipping out of his mouth. "No, I wasn't deemed trusted enough. You see, if a mage doesn't somehow fit their criteria for taking the test, then they get made Tranquil." Jowans eyes shined as a haunted look came to them. "To be made Tranquil is to have everything sucked out of you, everything that makes you a person, let alone a mage. No feelings or emotions. No anger, no hate, no joy. No love. Nothing. You're just a shell of a person."

Caden listened in disgust. She knew elves whom life itself had made 'tranquil', elves who's eyes held no spark of life. To hear that somewhere in Ferelden there were humans being forced into such a state against their will was horrifying. She touched Jowans hand. "That's awful." She said softly.

Jowan nodded. "It was what lay in store for me. I saw the form authorising it on the First Enchanters desk. I couldn't let that happen to me."

"I understand," Caden said, feeling very strongly that this practise was not something she could agree with. Jowan gave her small smile.

"I was in love," he said delicately. "I'd fallen in love with a Chantry initiate called Lily. We wanted to be together, but we couldn't be. Not in the tower. It was forbidden."

Caden nodded. Things were making even more sense now.

"I had to find and destroy my phylactery. Without it the Templars couldn't hope to find me. Then Lily and I could escape and live out our lives together." Jowan finished. "Only we were caught and I turned to blood magic to flee. Once I did that Lily didn't want anything to do with me."

"So why not turn your back on blood magic?" Caden wanted to know. "If it cost you Lily?"

"Oh I have, mostly." Jowan said. "Apart from my suggestion for dealing with the demon. I don't want to use it again, unless under duress. That's only why I used it against the Templars at the Circle—it was use it or become Tranquil."

Caden nodded thoughtfully. She wasn't sure what she would have done if backed into a corner like that, but she had a feeling that she might have reacted the same way. It certainly explained some things about Jowan, not least how he came to be free from the tower.

He was still gazing out of the window and Caden followed his stare. To her dismay the sun was up and dim light was seeping in through the window. She turned as she heard footsteps ascending the stairs. Teagan, Isolde and Morrigan were coming towards her.

"Any sign?" Caden asked, knowing the answer before Teagan shook his head. Her heart sank.

"What do we do now, Warden?" Teagan asked her. She turned back to the window to consider. She hated having the weight of the responsibility on her. She had given Alistair a deadline of three days to return; one day travelling each way and then a full day to convince the mages to aid them. Alistair had been dead set on fulfilling this self-imposed obligation. There was no way he was just dawdling back. The gnawing in her stomach had been getting worse throughout the time they were apart and at that moment it felt as though she had swallowed lead and it had pooled in her abdomen. Maker, what should I do? "Connor has made no move to leave his room." She said almost to herself. "I wonder why...perhaps he is indeed afraid of fighting and so he is afraid of us?"

"I think that is true," Isolde hurried to agree. "I think he fears you, Warden."

"Or the demon does," Morrigan said with a tinge of respect in her words.

"Teagan," Caden turned to the Bann who looked back expectantly. "What's the quickest time you know of for someone to reach the tower by boat."

Teagan raised his eyebrows and blew out his cheeks as he considered. "With perfect conditions, i.e. a clear day with no adverse weather conditions and a breeze going in the right direction a sail boat could make it in a few hours. A row boat in the same conditions depending on the amount of people rowing would only be slightly slower, or it may even be faster." He gave her a long look. "You are thinking of going there yourself, aren't you?"

Morrigan narrowed her eyes at Caden who flushed guiltily although she wasn't sure why she felt guilty. "I am." Caden admitted. "I have had longer to consider the options and I am loathe to select either option that we have going for us right now." She stopped and chewed on her lip. "But how can I leave the castle, leave the village un-protected against the demon?"

"It will not be unprotected." Jowan said forcefully. "I elect to remain here and I will continue my vigil outside the demons room." Isolde did not look pleased by this news.

"Why have you changed your mind?" Morrigan wanted to know.

"In part because the demon has been quiet of late," Caden said. "I feel less afraid of an attack and if one comes I think we are readily prepared, unlike before." She stopped and looked across the lake again. "More importantly I think there is something wrong." The images of her disturbing dreams flashed back into her brain. "I can't define it, but I have a terrible feeling that something is amiss with Alistair and the others. Surely they would have been back by now, or sent a scout messenger on ahead? I have to know for sure."

"I think you should deal with the demon now, before you depart." Morrigan advised, sounding sensible if somewhat callous.

Isolde blanched. "Please Warden, you said yourself that the demon is quiet—is it not therefore conceivable that Connor is more in control?"

"I'm sure I won't be long," Caden said to Morrigan. "I will set off at once and I won't delay. I will return ahead of the others if need be should everything be in order."

"And if it is not?" Morrigan asked hiking one eyebrow.

"Then..." Caden floundered a little. "Then I leave the final decision to Teagan. He will know what to do should the need arise." Teagan flinched at his name, but hid it well. He nodded brusquely.

"Very well," he said. "We shall head to the village and send you across the lake with our strongest rowers in order to make use of the fine morning."

"Good luck, Warden." Morrigan called in a tone that sounded more than a little sarcastic.

As Caden passed Isolde, the woman laid her hand on Cadens arm. "Thank you." She said quietly. Caden nodded once to her and then followed Teagan to the docks.