A/N – Thanks for the comments! So glad you like this story! * Ilovedana – Only the girls are dead. Tony, Sal, and Bruno are still alive. * Courtney – Thanks! I haven't written anything with Nic yet. Not sure. Lol I have so much going on. * lmccarthy – Thanks! So nice.

Some major angst in this one. This is rough for Jason, to remember years of bad choices in a matter of weeks. I might have to go undercover for a few days to avoid the hit you're going to put out on me.

Chapter 11 - Broken

Elizabeth knocked on the penthouse door and then the guard let her in when Jason didn't answer.

"Jason?"

He looked up and sighed. "Over here."

Liz frowned when she realized he was standing in front of the sliding glass doors in the dark.

"I'm turning the light on."

She turned it on and walked towards him. "Beating yourself up again?"

"I didn't have anything better to do."

Liz sighed and ran her hand through her hair. "I know what it is like to let your regrets eat you up inside. I have so many. I always felt like I made the worse decisions when it came to love. Even going back to when I was kid, I never thought anyone really wanted me or fought for me. Everyone either left or I pushed them away. I always ended up alone."

"I understand where you are coming from Elizabeth and I feel the same way. No one ever stayed after they said they chose me. Robin couldn't handle my work and then she told a secret that eventually tore us apart. And yes, I know it wasn't all her fault. Carly slept with Sonny. You chose Zander, Ric, and Lucky. When you did choose me, I lied about Sonny and you left. Courtney acted like she was perfect for me but she couldn't handle it."

"And Sam is the only one who stayed for the most part. I get it. I really do. I get why she was easy for you. But I'm not easy Jason. I have baggage twenty miles long. I have been hurt so deeply." She took a languid breath. "I love you for who you are but I don't want you to be complacent. I'm not going to kiss your ass and just be okay with whatever you say or do. I would want you to grow with me in our relationship and I want you to want to be a better man just like I want to be a better woman for you. I will never be Sam. That is not love to me. I don't want to run around shooting guns with you. You get enough of that all day long. I want you to come home and feel safe. I want you to forget all about all the violence and escape from it," Liz said emotionally.

A tear fell down Jason's face as his face contorted with pain, "I hate myself."

She almost went to him but she didn't want him to stop talking.

"I tried to be happy with Sam, but the whole time after we got back together I was a bitch to be around because I was so miserable that I gave up my son. It killed me. I convinced myself that she was everything and the love of my life because I was trying to forget what a bastard I was. I couldn't even believe anyone would want me because I abandoned my own child. I hate myself because I hurt you and I was a fucking coward. I thought you deserved so much better. I couldn't let the thought go that you shouldn't be touched by the violence in my life. That I would die if anything happened to you or Jake because of me. I thought that as long as you were alive, I could handle not speaking to you or not touching you. I cut off all contact because I knew that if I had to be near you I could never stay away. And now I just can't live with all my choices. I can't go on like this."

He dropped to his knees and broke as tears ran down his face and Elizabeth felt her heart break for him. He was so tortured and she was scared for him.

"Don't leave me," she whispered, unaware that she had spoken aloud.

He slowly looked up at her. "What?"

"You are so depressed. I just—promise me you won't do anything to hurt yourself. I love you Jason. Please don't leave me. I can't take loosing you again. It would break me. Promise me."

Jason wanted to make that promise but he was just in such a dark place. When he didn't say anything, she went to him and sunk down to the floor and wrapped her arms around him as he cried. The next thing she knew, they were kissing. It was desperate and needy. Jason devoured her mouth to the point she could barely catch her breath. His hands were all over her body making her moan loudly. It had been so long. God, she needed him—needed this. A few minutes later, she wasn't sure how he had removed her clothes and his so quickly but they were strewn around them and then he loomed over her, panting. Roughly, he shoved her bend legs into her chest and snapped his hips forward and claimed her as Elizabeth screamed his name. He stopped as he tried not to come, overwhelmed with the sensation of being inside of her again. When the need to come passed, he pulled out and surged forward again as Elizabeth's hips rose to meet his. With a primal growl, he slammed into her over and over as Liz met his every thrust. She wasn't going to last. It was too much. "Oh God Jason, I'm going to come."

He grunted and moved faster, so fast that Elizabeth couldn't keep up with him anymore. He used her hips to steady himself as he felt his balls tighten, signaling the end. He panted before yelling out her name. "Elizabeth." She felt herself shatter as unbelievable pleasure surged through her body. He let her legs fall and then collapsed on top of her and she relished how good he felt before he rolled over so she was on top of him.

Neither spoke for a long time. Her head rested on his chest as she listened to his heartbeat. She started to cry thinking about not ever getting the chance to hear it again.

"Elizabeth?" He was starting panic more as her sobs grew louder. "Baby please, talk to me."

"Promise me. I need to hear you say it."

He pulled her into him tighter. "I promise. I won't hurt myself."

He felt her push out the breath she had been holding and her body started to relax against him and then they slept.

iIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIi

Elizabeth's eyes fluttered open and she gasped when she realized where she was and what happened. She had never intended to take it so far. Oh God, Jake. He would never forgive her.

Jason sighed. It didn't take a genius to interpret the look on her face. "You're regretting it aren't you?"

"It's complicated."

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have gone there. You weren't ready."

"And you were?"

He leaned onto his side and pushed her hair off of her face. "Yes. I've wanted you since I started dreaming about you."

Liz was having a hard time with his admission.

"You seem like you don't believe me."

"Maybe it's because you had me so convinced that you loved Sam."

"I don't know what to say to that. I'm not sure that I could say anything that will make you believe me at this point. Robin said I'm not the same Jason. Maybe I can just see things more clearly now."

"You've been through so much and I feel like you're turning off your feelings for Sam and I'm scared they are just going to come flooding out one day and then what?"

"Not going to happen."

She closed her eyes.

"You're worried about how Jake is going to react to what just happened between us aren't you?"

"I am. He's a good man. I never wanted to hurt him."

"And supposed he gets angry and walks away. Will you give us a chance then?"

"I can't answer that because nothing has really changed. Sam still wants you and you are married to her. I think you will still want her when you let yourself remember your love for her."

"God Elizabeth, we just made love, do you really want me to go back to her? Why are you pushing this?"

"If we decide to go for it, then I would need us to start on a clean slate. What you are doing right now, it's not helping us get there."

"So what, you what—want me to go out on a date with Sam?"

She cringed. "I can't tell you not to do that. She's your wife and I am dating Jake." She really wasn't trying to push him towards Sam. She just wanted him to be honest about his feelings and deal with them. Right now, he wasn't doing that. He was stuck in all the pain.

"I think you should leave."

"What?"

When she didn't move, Jason grabbed his underwear and jeans and stood up and dressed. "I was ready to shoot my brains out before. All I wanted was you. I hate myself and you are the only thing that remotely seems to make sense. Making love to you was incredible Elizabeth and I never wanted it to end. After I wake up, in your arms feeling like I could face life again, you throw Sam and Jake in my face and I feel like I'm at square one again. Nothing has changed, you won't give me a real chance, and I feel like my heart just broke. You obviously don't want me, so go have fun with Jake. He's your Mr. Perfect. You can make perfect fucking babies and later you can laugh about how silly it was that you almost took a chance with the brain damaged enforcer who hurt you so much."

"Jason stop. Please," Elizabeth said as she started cry. "You don't mean this. I'm sorry."

"I do mean it. I can't watch you with him." Jason was barely holding on. He didn't want to hurt her but he couldn't take her rejection.

She felt a surge of anger building up in her, knowing he was walking away again. "Now you know how I felt watching you with Sam." She gasped, regretting it the moment that she said the words because the look on his face showed how devastated he was. "Jason…."

"No. I can't handle this right now. I have to get out of here."

"Jason please. You promised that you wouldn't hurt yourself."

A tear ran down Jason's cheek. "Yeah well maybe I lied. It's what we do right?"

Liz gasped as she watched him shove on his shirt and flee the penthouse. She sobbed for a while and then got dressed and went home feeling like she had lost him again.

iIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIi

It was pouring outside and Jason was drenched. He didn't even know where he was walking. He felt broken and so damn guilty because he hadn't realized how badly he had hurt Elizabeth in the past. She had never said anything and he was too dense to notice. Dropping to his knees in the middle of the docks, he curled up into a ball and just stared at the water. This is where he had had been cruelly shot and shoved into the river to die. Maybe he deserved it. He wasn't a good man. The odds were that his job and past would eventually catch up with him. He wanted his son back. He wanted to rewind to the time when Elizabeth asked him to give his child up and this time he would say hell no, but he couldn't. In fact, he'd like to go back to when Sonny faked his death because that changed everything. Now, Jake was going to win. He could already tell that Elizabeth wasn't willing to give him up. Once again, she'd choose someone else. Maybe he wasn't good enough and they just weren't meant to be but making love to her and holding her was everything to him. It just shouldn't be this hard.

Sam walked towards him. Maxie had seen Jason collapse and not move and ran into Kelly's and told her she needed to help him. Sam agreed to let Alexis take Danny home and she ran outside into the rain and when she saw his body, for a moment she froze. Was he dead? She let out a strangled cry and ran to his side. "Jason."

He still didn't move so she knelt down in front of him and he seemed to stare right through her.

"You can't stay here. It's not a safe place."

She looked around and didn't see Milo. What she didn't know is that Jason had sent him home. She pulled out her phone and made a call.

"Sam?" Milo said.

"Where are you?"

"At my apartment. I was about to head over to Jason's. What's wrong?"

"He's on the docks. He won't speak or move. Something is wrong with him."

"Where are you exactly?" he asked grabbing his keys.

"I'm where he was pushed in the river, please hurry."

She ended the call and put Jason's head on her lap and stroked his hair and that is where Milo found them.

iIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIi

Milo drove past Harborview towers. Jason had only spoken long enough to say that he couldn't go back there. Sam couldn't take him back to Patrick's, so she told him to go to Carly's house.

"I'm worried about you."

He looked up at her but didn't say anything.

"I know that you don't like me right now, but I'm so scared for you. You have to take better care of yourself Jason. Even if you don't want me, you have a son."

"Maybe he was better off without me."

Sam's eyes filled with tears. "Do you hate yourself that much?"

"Yes."

She didn't know what to say. The man she had loved more than anything hated himself partly because he had loved her and she really didn't know how to process that. The car pulled up to Carly's house and Milo ran outside to her front door and banged on it.

She opened it and frowned. "Milo?"

"Listen, Jason is in a bad way. Sam found him lying on the docks and he wouldn't say anything. I don't know what happened but he refused to go back to the penthouse."

"Where is he?"

"In the car. Go get some towels. I'll take Sam home and then go grab some clothes for Jason if you want."

"I'll just wash and dry the ones he has one." Carly ran into the bathroom and grabbed some towels and then she went upstairs to her bedroom and fished around in the closet until she found an old pair of Jax's sweat pants and a tee shirt.

When she came back down, Milo and Sam were walking Jason into the bathroom.

They left him sitting in there and Carly practically pushed them out of the house. "I will handle it from here."

"Please text me later to let me know how he is doing," Sam said.

"I will."

She shut the door and locked it and then went back into the bathroom. Jason was sitting on the edge of the bathtub, sopping wet. She moved closer and took off his shoes and socks.

"Up," she said trying to get him to lift his arms so she could peel his shirt off.

Once that was gone she dried him off the best she could and put the slightly small t-shirt on him.

"Stand up."

He did and she got him out of his jeans and he stopped her when she went to yank off his underwear.

"It's nothing I haven't seen before."

He made a motion for her to turn around, so she did and he slipped his briefs off and put on the sweatpants.

Once he was done, she grabbed his hand and led him to the couch and Jason sat down and she threw a blanket over him.

"I'll be right back."

She gathered up his clothes and threw them in the washer and then joined him on the couch.

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Okay," she said pulling him so his head was lying in her lap. "Just rest then."

She stroked his hair until Jason fell into a troubled sleep and Carly sat there wondering what had sent him off the edge.