A/N: Sorry for the delay, my darkside baby Darth Retailation is back and I feel complete again =))
Thanks for the reviews! You make me happy, guys, really.
Guest, who wrote me about Chandelier by Sia track – good choice! "I'm gonna live like tomorrow doesn't exist…"
Chapter 11. Motherly Advice
Maz Kanata always had a good memory for faces. But when a slender figure in a crimson cloak appeared at the doorstep of her cantina, she didn't recognize any familiar features. The First Order was spying again. But what kind of fool in the Galaxy would wear such a bright red cloak to spy? Regardless, Takodana stayed an open planet despite the last encounter with the First Order and the Resistance on their surface.
She expected the red-dressed guest to hide in a dark corner somewhere in the depths of the cantina, but the figure was obviously searching for somebody. They turned their hooded face left and right and finally stopped their gaze on Maz herself. The little woman shrugged her shoulders in aggravation - those First Order spies always wanted information from her. She decided to disappear and stay imperceptible, but the hooded figure strode towards her in obvious determination.
Something was wrong. Maz sensed that the creature under the cloak was Force-sensitive, but the First Order didn't have any Force-sensitives except for Kylo Ren, who was more of an ally than a member. When the figure reached her and pulled off the hood, Maz Kanata saw the familiar face of the girl Han Solo brought with him during his last visit on Takodana.
Rey.
Maz understood why she hadn't recognized the girl. Something was wrong with her Force signature. She felt a trace of dark energy, which was absent when they first met. But the face was the same - young and innocent, a little pale.
Rumors came and passed in her cantina and Maz Kanata had as always the patience to listen carefully. She passed among the tables almost unnoticed, as a good host should do, watching that the glasses were always full and bills paid, and listened to the conversations of Resistance and First Order spies, smugglers, gangsters and others who came to her cantina to relax from the daily grind or a long road and share some news. One of those evenings brought her news about the return of Luke Skywalker to the Resistance and the disappearance of his apprentice, a young girl. The man who spoke was especially drunk that evening, so various juicy theories of the girl's whereabouts followed the rumor itself. None of them were true, of course, but Maz could see that the story itself did not hold together. She saw Rey only once, remembering her as a girl blessed by the Force, but afraid of leaving her past behind. The girl craved for belonging and Luke Skywalker could have become the father figure she needed. If he accepted her as his padawan (the drunk man had no doubt about the two of them arriving together as Master and Padawan), there was no reason for the girl to run away.
The girl opened her mouth to say something, but Maz silenced her with a wave of her small, wrinkled hand.
"Sssshh, don't speak here, the walls have ears. Come with me, and put your hood on if you value your life."
-x-
Rey was exhausted after her long journey through hyperspace in the TIE-fighter. It was not a very comfortable trip, since the ship was not intended for travelling such long distances.
When she saw the tiny figure of Maz among the tables in the cantina, a stroke of fear passed through her body. What if she wouldn't help her? Everyone had a right to protect their own life. For the First Order, she was an escaped prisoner. As for Ren… she knew his duty now consisted of finding her and eliminating her. Rey knew he would fulfill his duty, because in his place, she would execute herself without hesitation.
For the Resistance, she was a traitor. Unless Poe Dameron reached D'Qar. Then Luke would understand why she had left that night. But would her friends accept her back after training with Kylo Ren? After accepting his food, his tutelage, his… bed?
Rey removed her hood and noticed with relief that the woman's eyes widened in recognition behind the thick glasses. Maz remembered her. She opened her lips to say something, at least a hello, but Maz silenced her with a wave of her small hand, and beckoned her towards a curtained area in the depths of the cantina. It was probably a private space for couples: luckily, it was vacant. They sat on the couch beside the table.
"Here, we can speak in private." The little woman studied Rey from head to toe, "Now, young lady, you must tell me: what are you doing here wearing that attire? And why do you have a cornered animal's eyes?"
Rey told Maz everything: becoming Ren's apprentice, including the strange relationship they established. But she didn't tell Maz the real reason why she had to escape the Star Destroyer.
"... Then I left the Finalizer, and now I am here. Please, help me find the new location of the Resistance base."
Maz studied her with an appraising look.
"You're trying to tell me that you accepted Kylo Ren's proposal to teach you and then just escaped, when there was an opportunity? You tell me you share a Force Bond and from your story, I assume you know how the Supreme Leader punishes failure, and you try to convince me that you just left him and broke your promise to him, even without direct danger for your life, knowing that he'll receive his torture?"
The picture of Ren's bloodshot eyes and a collar soaked with blood appeared in front of Rey's eyes and she gulped, bit her lips, not to betray her emotions. She tried to ignore those thoughts, attempting to convince herself that she would be dead now if she didn't escape. But the thought of him being tortured because of her escape was hard to bear. She gathered all her strength and looked into the wise eyes behind the glasses.
"Yes, I escaped from the First Order the moment I understood there was no direct danger for the Resistance. I never wanted to be Kylo Ren's apprentice and never wanted to learn the Dark Side of the Force. I left him, and his destiny is not my business anymore."
Maz brought her round face closer to Rey's and put off her glasses. The girl shivered as the wrinkled face's small eyes looked directly into her soul.
"Either you fell to the Dark Side farther than I thought, or you're not telling me the truth." Her small hand lightly touched Rey's own. "I've already told you I'm no Jedi, but I sense the darkness within you. It's greater than it was before. But this darkness is not enough to break the promise of a Jedi and leave a person to be tortured in cold blood. Something important happened in your life. Something you don't want to tell anybody and which you feel ashamed of." She paused and put her glasses back, "I'll help you either way. Han Solo was my friend and he liked you. Despite this brave mask you're trying to hide behind, I sense your guilt and shame for what you did. I never said Ben Solo is a good person, but you cannot stay within the Light and betray him because he stands in the Dark Side. By the feelings I sense in you, I assume you had your reasons to leave him to his destiny."
She sighed again and stood up from the couch. "But the main reason why I'll help you is because of two Resistance guys staying in my castle and clumsily playing spies. Last time I saw one of them with you, he was a former Stormtrooper desperately wanting to escape somewhere to the Outer Rim."
Rey's face shone with joy and surprise.
"Finn is here? And the one with him must be Poe! They are… here? Searching for me?"
Maz Kanata's face smoothed and her tone became softer, "Looks like you have some friends left, child. Wait for me, I'll bring them here."
And the little woman disappeared behind the worn-out curtains.
Rey's soul was full of excitement mixed with guilt. Finn, her dear friend, came searching for her even when the Resistance was in mortal danger. He stayed true to his feelings, always. She sighed, as guilt ate her from inside. What had she done? She needed to forget everything that happened between her and Ren for good, and move on with her life. Their fates would obviously cross in the future and she would need to find the courage to kill him. Because, when the time would come, it would be the ancient, primal law: kill, or be killed. But the thought of the bright light she sensed deep inside his wretched soul made her heart beat with hope. While he was telling her that he had to kill her because of his failure, this bright light was the only thing which made her doubt his cruel words. Maybe he had a chance.
The curtains parted and Rey saw two familiar figures.
"Rey!" She heard the voice she needed to hear more than anything else in the world.
"Finn! Poe!" She found herself inside a double hug and felt her lips broaden into a grin. Finn and Poe are what she needed now to distract her from her self-loathing.
"Rey, we were so worried! Why did you do that to us, girl? Huh? Tell us now!" Finn's tone was accusing. Rey shivered at the word "girl", which sounded too familiar.
"You know why I did it. Poe is now standing by your side."
"C'mon pal, let me hug her. You occupied all of her attention. She saved my life. Give me a chance to at least thank her properly." Finn shot a glare at his friend, but stepped aside. Poe embraced Rey with gratitude, and she could smell his pleasant scent while her face nestled against his shoulder.
"Rey, what you did for my pilots and me cannot be described in words. We all owe our lives to you, and if you ever need something - just ask."
"Okay, Poe, thirty seconds is enough for lofty assurances," a note of jealousy marked Finn's words. "You'll squeeze her ribs."
"I missed you, guys, you just can't imagine how much," she laughed freely for the first time since the night she flew to the Toblain sector. Those two argued like an old couple, humorously fighting for her attention.
"Tell me everything! What did you do on the Finalizer? How did you manage to escape? I want to hear the story of you beating up Kylo Ren." Finn looked agitated and curious.
"There will be no such story."
Rey shortly told the same story she told Maz Kanata mere minutes ago.
"I think you did the right thing, Rey. Kylo Ren can go to Malachor. Your safety is the only thing that matters," Finn was far more approving than Maz Kanata.
A shadow of a deep voice passed through her mind. "...Fear is your best friend now. As long as they fear you are safe…" Rey shook her head to get rid of the memories and tried to smile. But it appeared false and strained.
Finn looked at her face concern, "Did he hurt you, Rey? Was he cruel to you?"
He did hurt me, but not in the way you think. She decided to keep the thought for herself and shook her head, surprised by her words as she spoke. "No, he was not cruel to me. In fact, I think he was as kind to me as he can be to another human being." Rey realized she was being honest. Strange, she never considered Ren to be kind during her stay with him. Until now.
Finn snorted with doubt, obviously not believing her. She decided to change the subject.
"What about you, guys? Did the Resistance evacuate successfully?"
"Yeah, thanks to you we had enough time to relocate," Poe flashed her another grateful grin. "We established a new base on Atollon. Old Rebellion base served us good. We'll show you…" Poe's face suddenly looked worried, "Rey? Everything alright?"
"What's going on?" She looked at both of her friends in surprize.
Finn and Poe were staring at her, obviously scared and concerned.
"Ehm, what? Why are you staring?"
"Your nose is bleeding," Finn's voice sounded muffled, as if he was speaking from a distance.
She touched the area under her nose and stared at her hand. It was red with blood.
Oh, no. No, no, no. Someone was receiving punishment for her escape. Pain began to build up inside her head.
"Call Maz, quickly. Tell her the bond is giving me trouble. And knock me down if I begin to scream. If you don't, all the First Order spies will come for us."
She went dizzy, and the pain became too much, as if it broke an invisible barrier. She felt her body hitting the hard floor. Rey didn't know whether she had passed out from the pain or if it was one of her friends who had been merciful enough to knock her down. A blissful darkness covered her mind. The last thing she saw - was it real? Was it a vision? - was the clink of ice cubes in a glass full of golden Corellian brandy.
-x-
Maz Kanata was no fast walker, but she appeared from behind the curtains with the speed of a hovercraft. She looked at the girl's face, covered with blood, and shot a worried gaze to both Poe and Finn, who were both standing near, perplexed and frightened.
"Did she tell you something?"
"Not exactly. She told us about some bond or something 'functioning again'." Poe's voice was full of guilt, "Then she fell onto the floor and I couldn't catch her, so she hit her head against the floor and passed out."
"Good. At least she doesn't feel the pain." Maz's face stayed extremely concerned, but somewhat relieved.
"Why does she feel the pain? Why did she suddenly began bleeding and fell unconscious?" Finn was obviously worried.
Maz looked at both guys and sighed.
"I won't tell you because that's not my secret. When Rey wakes up, she might tell you if she wants to. Now, get moving. You need to leave Takodana as soon as possible. I assume you had a conversation, so take the girl and fly away on the Falcon. She can't hide anymore and the First Order is looking for her. I'm surprised there are no troops at my doorway yet. I'll show you the back door."
They quickly wrapped Rey into her red cloak and Finn carried her on his shoulder. Rey's head, covered with blood, dangled lifelessly like a creepy doll's. Finn and Poe both followed the petite figure of Maz towards the back door.
Once they were inside the Millennium Falcon, Finn put Rey's motionless body on a bed in one of the living quarters while Poe began to heat up the engines. He unwrapped her from her cloak and flinched when he saw how pale she was. Thankfully, her nosebleed had stopped. He fetched a piece of clean cloth and gently cleared the blood from her face. Her face appeared calm, as if she was simply asleep. Finn couldn't help himself and stroked the girl's face with the tips of his fingers.
What happened when you were in the grip of that monster, Rey? What are you hiding?
"Hey, buddy! I need some help with taking off," Finn heard Poe call from the bridge.
Finn sighed and looked at Rey's face. It stayed unmoving, almost lifeless. His eyes stopped at girl's lips for a moment, but he shook his head and walked out of the quarters to help Poe with piloting.
-x-
Rey opened her eyes and then immediately shut them again, shying away from the cold white light. She slightly opened them again, blinked several times to get used to to the lighting. She was lying in a medical bay while an old droid beside her beeped and headed behind the doors.
Was she on the Finalizer? Had she truly escaped from Kylo Ren, or was it just a dream? Had Ren wounded her so severely during one of their trainings she needed medical help?
The door opened and, instead of the tall black figure she expected to see, Rey saw the concerned face of Luke Skywalker. Her memory returned to her in waves. Her past was all still blurred in her mind.
"Hey," Luke said softly and sat at a metal chair beside her bed. "How are you?"
"Feeling like somebody beat me for days. But it's okay, I can bear it." Rey tried to smile but only managed to curl her lips weakly.
"Do you remember anything?" Luke's voice sounded soothing to her troubled mind.
"Not all of it. I remember flying to Takodana and meeting Finn and Poe there, at Maz Kanata's cantina. After that, I don't remember anything."
"You began bleeding heavily from your nose and ears and passed out. Finn and Poe quickly grabbed you and flew back here on the Millennium Falcon as fast as they could. You remained unconscious all the time and we began to worry that the damage was worse than just nosebleeding. But we have a few old medical droids here, so they treated you and reported that apart from exhaustion, you have no inner organs damaged. Your mind was blocking the pain, which I assume, came from your Force Bond with… Kylo Ren."
Hearing the chosen name of Ren from Luke was unexpected. He always called his nephew by his birth name thus far. She looked into her Master's eyes, trying to find out the reason for such change. He sensed her unspoken question and explained.
"I am your teacher, Rey. You may consider me an old fool, but I know you a little bit. We share a bond. It's not as strong as the one you share with Ren, but I feel that something happened on the Finalizer. You broke your promise to him and ran away without looking back, and I assume you had a solid reason to do it. I thought he wouldn't harm you, but maybe I am an old fool and I underestimated how far he fell to the Dark Side. I saw this." He pointed on a slightly visible scar appearing on her arm, coming from her first encounter with Ren as her new Master, "I understood that his methods of teaching included physical harm. And when I saw you pale as dead and with traces of blood on your face, blackened out from the pain he inflicted through the Force Bond you share, I assumed that Ben Solo is truly gone." Luke's always calm face twitched with obvious pain, "I am so sorry, Rey. I should have stopped you from running to him and flown after you the moment I learned you were gone, even for the Black Squadron's lives. Did he hurt you? I feel the pain both inside your body and inside your soul."
Her eyes widened in understanding. Luke thought her pain was inflicted by Kylo Ren himself through their bond. Rey thought things would have been easier if it was true.
"No, he didn't harm me in any way." She looked at the scar on her arm and decided to correct herself, "Okay, he did, but that was just the first day I stayed with him. He didn't inflict the pain through our bond on purpose…" She hesitated for a moment but decided to tell Luke the truth. "I've already experienced such pain, but without the bleeding. It was the day Snoke punished Ben for something. It was so harsh he couldn't walk back to his quarters. I assumed he wasn't supposed to fulfill his promises to me. But he did," Rey looked into Luke's blue eyes, trying to guess his thoughts. "Sometimes, we share emotions and pain, if they're strong. Ugh, I mean, shared."
Luke looked to her with an unreadable expression on his face. Was he surprised? Was he angry? Finally, he spoke again: "You call him Ben now?"
She kept silent, not knowing what to answer.
"Something obviously happened. You say he didn't harm you, but you ran away from him and are ashamed of something you cannot even share with me. Your Force bond became so strong that you physically experience the pain he feels light-years away." He paused for a moment, "I won't question you more. I hope time will help you to deal with whatever torments you."
Rey felt tears of gratitude fall from her eyes. She was not ready to talk about what happened on the Finalizer yet.
"Will you still teach me, Master Luke?"
Luke sensed the same fear of rejection in her words from the very first time she asked him this question. He smiled and stretched his hand, touching her thin padawan braid, lying on the pillow.
"You're still wearing your braid, my padawan. How can I stop teaching you?"
She covered his hand with her palm, a little trembling from her weakness, and he felt a trace of affection flowing through their bond. They were together, once again, and it became a little stronger.
"Thank you, Master," she whispered almost soundlessly.
"Now rest. You need to be strong for our next lessons."
She smiled weakly and slightly nodded. He stood up and went towards the door but stopped in front of them, as if he wanted to tell her something. But when Luke turned around, he saw her already sleeping with a light smile on her lips.
-x-
"How is she?" Leia sounded worried.
"Better than we expected. But something bothers her and she won't tell me."
Luke sat on an armchair and stretched his legs with relief. He could afford some minutes of peace in his sister's company before diving back into the base's never-ending fuss.
"Why? You're her teacher, she trusts you."
Luke clicked his tongue and shook his head, "I don't think she needs a teacher, if my assumptions are right. In fact, she needs a mother."
Leia was obviously surprised. She came towards the armchair and stood before Luke, her hands set on her waist.
"A mother? I understand that every girl needs a mother, but why now?"
"You'd better talk to her yourself. I only have suspicions, but if I'm right, I'm of no use in that situation." Luke scratched his head in embarrassment.
Leia shot a long gaze at him, seemingly unsure if she understood right. The pause lasted for too long and she shrugged her shoulders, knowing that she wouldn't draw anything more from him.
"I wanted to visit her anyway. Poor girl needs some support."
-x-
Rey opened her eyes and saw the short figure of Leia Organa in the doorway. She rubbed her eyes sleepily and smiled to the older woman. Leia grinned back.
"How do you feel?" Her tone was very soft, almost gentle.
"Much better. At least my head doesn't hurt anymore."
Leia sat on the edge of her bed. They were silent for a moment, until Rey broke it.
"He is alright, Leia."
Rey noticed embarrassment on the general's face. She knew Leia came to talk about Ben, but she couldn't ask her a direct question. Rey had decided to leave the small talk aside and go straight to the subject. They both needed to have this conversation.
"I know you want to talk about Ben. Last time I saw him, he was alive and healthy."
The words about his health sounded false and silly, as if they were sitting somewhere on a veranda, drinking tea, talking about a distant relative.
Leia chuckled bitterly.
"I don't want to talk about Ben, Rey. My main concern is you. What happened on the Finalizer? Unburden yourself. You know, I won't judge you for anything."
Oh, you would. You would hate me. But a part of her wanted to tell somebody the truth. Leia's eyes were kind and understanding. The older woman put her small palm onto Rey's leg reassuringly.
"You need to talk to someone, child. Unburden yourself and live further. We're all worried for you. I'll keep your secret, I promise."
Rey gulped and clutched the blanket.
"I… I don't know where to start."
"Start from the beginning."
Rey sighed and sat straighter on her bed.
"It all started the night I left D'Qar. You already know what choice Ben gave me. In fact, he gave me no choice at all. I arrived on the Finalizer hating him. We fought many times, and I didn't feel anything except hatred. He was the same as before - arrogant, cold, sometimes even cruel. But then I saw another side to him - sometimes, he was kind to me, almost caring. I didn't want any of it. I wanted to hate him for all he had done to us, to you. But I couldn't. I don't know what I thought, but I felt a pull towards him. We were close and distant at the same time: I don't know how to express it. I sensed the Light within him, and now, I don't know what I should do. What I should feel for him. He told me you always have a choice between the Light and the Darkness, and he chose Darkness. No matter how much Light he has left within him, I think he'll always reject it."
She covered her face with her hands. Leia waited patiently for her to continue. Soon, she found the strength once again. "The night before I escaped, I saw Ben Solo behind the mask. It was a moment of weakness for both of us. He was longing to possess and I was longing to belong… We woke up in the same bed in the morning, and I ran away as fast as I could, because he told me he'd have to execute me with his own hand if I stayed. He spent the night with me and he would still kill me in the morning in cold blood. What is this feeling, Leia? Why is it tearing me apart? Am I the traitor now by having shared a bed with our enemy? Am I a fool? How can I feel hatred and passion for him at the same time? What should I do if we ever meet again?"
"Oh, I wish I had the answers you seek, but I don't. I ask myself the same questions all the time." Leia's face twitched with pain and grief. "I understand you so well, sweetheart. I am the mother of our enemy."
Sweetheart.
There was something with that word within the Solo family. A deep voice passed through Rey's mind. It was rid of its usual dark tone, becoming just a man's voice, with unbearable tenderness. "Don't be afraid, sweetheart. I'll be gentle." She remembered Leia calling little Ben with the same nickname in her Force visions and smiled. No matter what, he was still their son.
Leia hugged the girl and continued, "I know I'm not the best person to give advice, but if you sense Light in him - give him a try. I tell you this as his mother." She withdrew, and her eyes suddenly became dark, "But now listen to me, because I will talk to you both as a friend and as the the Resistance's General. If you sense that the Darkness has consumed him completely, if he endangers your life - kill him without hesitation. Not out of hatred, but because that's the right thing to do. It is not about me, or Luke, or even Han - this is about your own life. You know I can't stop loving him, because he's my child. I saw his first steps and heard his first words. But you must put an end to all this if you need to. If he's gone too far, put your personal feelings aside. Remember, only you can confront him. The destiny of the whole Galaxy depends on your decisions. Choose wisely." She paused and her face softened and became sad, "I'll share with you a hard lesson, one I learned during my life. Even if you think that you can't live without the people you love - it is not true. You can and you will. Believe me." Leia sighed and stood up, "I need to go. The Resistance requires my attention. I'm glad you're better. I hope you'll join us again soon."
Rey nodded to the General and smiled without saying anything else. It was not necessary. She needed time to think.
Leia Organa walked out of the medical bay and leaned her back on the closed door. A memory flew before her closed eyes.
"Ssshh, Han, you'll wake him. Don't squeeze him too tight."
"Why is his face so wrinkled? If I haven't heard you cursing me during labor, I would think he's Maz Kanata's son."
"All babies are wrinkled when they're just born, Han."
"His hands and legs are so tiny… How will he fix the Falcon with such tiny hands?"
"Don't make a fool out of yourself, you know babies grow up."
She watched Han Solo hold the tiny bundle gently, as if it was made of glass.
"Despite all those wrinkles and red face… He's beautiful. You know, sweetheart, I already love him."
She was exhausted after the long labor, but she couldn't help but smile at the picture of Han holding their son. He always used the "sweetheart" word mostly to mock her, but now, he was serious and touched. Han was staring at their baby with awe, almost in disbelief they created something so beautiful. Together. The sun was shining through the opened window, and Leia thought that it was one of those rare moments of perfect happiness.
"I love both of you," Han whispered.
She closed her eyes and whispered back, "I know, sweetheart. I know."
A/N: Awwww, aren't I good in heartbreaking scenes with babies? You have your "Iloveyou-Iknow" thing this time vice versa. And the rare picture of young Han Solo rid of his cockiness.
And, of course, a little blood never made the chapter worse.
'Aftersmut 'chapters are always difficult – you just had the sensual 'culmination' and need to sit and plan the plot again. But what a sci-fi without a good adventure?
Remember, the more reviews I receive the better/faster/stronger chapters I write! =))
*moves away in strange dance*