I was going to leave you guys hanging... but then I realised, I didn't want to leave myself hanging!

I just want to thank you all for your lovely, kind reviews. You are all making me so happy :)

Beechwood0708, I love you too ;)
But I won't say I love you like Howard loves Vince - not in this story anyway, cos Howard's been so angsty and moody!!
Teehee.

Disclaimer: not mine, duh.

Warning: now contains s-s-s-s-slash. I've up-ed the rating just to make sure I don't offend anyone.

Chapter 11

For a few seconds, nothing.

Nothing.

Howard just stands, his face inches from mine. He goes blurry he's so close. I can feel his breath on my mouth, my cheeks, but he's not doing anything. His eyes are only half open.

My head is white hot and I can hardly see.

I try to push him away. He knows. It's all over, he knows.

"Howard…"

But as soon as I speak he moves. He puts his hands on my shoulders, pushes me back against the wall so hard it hurts. He looks furious. He looks like he wants to kill me.

Then he kisses me.

I freeze and burn.

My fingers claw at the plaster on the walls, trying to escape, trying to anchor myself, I don't know which any more.

He kisses me harder than I ever imagined, even in my most extreme fantasies. His teeth and my teeth meet. He bites my gums. His hands are still on my shoulders, holding me back against the wall, which is good, because I couldn't stand if he let me go, and not at all because of my broken shoe. I try to bring my hands up to his face but he throws them off and then his own hands are on my neck, clasping me against him, and he kisses me all over again, making me gasp and cry out: "Howard!" His hands go to my hair now, running through the layers and I don't care at all. He lifts my hair up, holding it back; he half-kisses half-bites my neck, where my neck meets my shoulders, where my neck meets my chest.

I manage to lift my own hands up again – how I don't know when my brain seems to have frozen – it's almost like my body is just running itself, like this is a kind of reflex like breathing, which is something Howard told me about – Howard!

I find his hair and my fingers tangle in his hair, and he doesn't throw me off this time. He kisses my mouth again, his tongue sliding over mine, making me moan, and he moans too, deeper in the back of his throat. Then he lifts me up, like the way you're meant to lift up a bride at a wedding, only he does it much more violently as though I'm a box of new stuff for the shop he's collecting, but I don't care. He carries me, almost frantically, to the sofa, which is nearest, too far to one of the bedrooms, and throws me on it so hard I almost bounce straight back up again. He looks down at me for a second and for that tiny second, I think he's going to stop, and the world seems to split – but then his hands go to the buttons on his shirt. He tears it off and then he's on top of me again, kissing me again, his hands going under my own shirt, clawing at my chest. I rip my own shirt off – he helps – and press my chest against his and gasp; he kisses me again; his hands go for my belt and so I help him, and when I turn my head upwards I can see the moon through the closed curtains, and his hands are…

Where am I?

Light is burning through my eyelids.

Squinting, I try to see, but I can't.

I stretch out my hand, searching for my alarm clock, or my sunglasses that I think are still by my bed cause I didn't put them away last time I took 'em off, I just left them…

I grope.

Nothing.

I grope more… come on, how far away is my chest of drawers… and then I go too far and I fall off the sofa, almost knocking my head on the coffee table.

The sofa.

I sit straight up. I'm in the living room, which is being filled with sunlight – someone's opened the curtains.

Someone.

Howard.

My head is thumping. I put my hands to my hair and feel it's all standing on end. I'm in my underwear and nothing else. Have I been here all night? All night? Last night…

Suddenly I'm back there again, in the room with the closed curtains, my body jerking underneath Howard's, Howard's hands on my chest, sweeping up over my neck, holding my hips…

I sit down heavily on the sofa.

This should be the happiest moment of my life. Howard and I, together, finally.

But we're not together, and it's not the happiest moment of my life. Part of me, yeah, can't believe it and is shaking at the thought of it and dreaming about it at the same time but the rest of me?

The rest of me knows this is wrong. This isn't how I thought it should be. We shouldn't fuck after a row and then…

Then what?

"Howard?" I call, even though I don't really want to. I don't want to see him.

No reply.

I walk round the whole of the flat. He's not there. He's gone.

I can't even cry. I just feel too stunned. By everything, not just by him leaving.

In the bathroom, I catch sight of myself in the mirror. Hair everywhere. Eyeliner smudged. Lipstick smeared all up the side of my face. I look awful but I don't care. I have a shower, slowly, not really wanting to wash him off me. I get dressed. I don't really notice what I'm putting on (which might be why I suddenly look down and find I've put on a blue shirt with my red jeans, but I can't be bothered to change it. That's how much of a state I'm in).

I open the shop, because I don't know what else to do. Perhaps if everything's normal, Howard will come back and things will be normal again.

But what is normal? Normal like yesterday, when he hated me? Normal like when we first met? Normal with me loving him and getting nothing back?

Even that seems better than this, being alone, not knowing where he is or when he's coming back, if he even is coming back.

What would I do if Howard didn't come back? I guess at some point Naboo and Bollo will re-appear; I don't think Naboo's done anything bad enough not to be allowed home. So it would be me and them. We'd probably all get on better, to be honest, without Howard. Bollo doesn't think much of Howard. And Naboo… well, I dunno what Naboo thinks. No-one really knows what Naboo thinks.

I wish Naboo was here now. He'd know what to do.

Except I wouldn't ask him. I know I wouldn't. I can just imagine it: "Hey, Naboo, yeah, the thing is, me and Howard shagged last night and now he's run off, what do you think I should do?"

Oh yeah. Of course I wouldn't ask him.

I try to imagine what it would be like if it was just me, Bollo and Naboo in the flat, running the shop. But it seems so empty. There'd be something missing, something I don't know if we – well, if I – could function without.

I can't function without him now. It's a slow day anyway but when customers come in, I pretty much ignore them. I'm just back on the sofa, with Howard's arms round my body…

That's where I want to be. That's where I should have stayed. I want one of those snow globes again. The biggest and most beautiful snow globe ever, and I want to lock me and Howard on the sofa up in there. Forever.

But that evening, he comes back.

He doesn't say where he's been.

He doesn't talk to me.

He doesn't realise how much my heart leaps when I hear his familiar footsteps coming up the stairs.

I try smiling at him when he comes in but he just nods rather shortly. He goes into his bedroom. He listens to some jazz. Then he comes out again and puts on the telly. I leave after about five minutes because looking at his hands, his mouth, his eyes, everything, and him sitting on that sofa, our sofa, it all reminds me too much.

I go to bed. It's only about ten. I'm not tired at all but what else can I do? I get into my pyjamas and lie down in the dark.

I don't sleep. I can hear the buzzing of people talking on the telly in the next room.

And then, after about an hour, I hear the telly go off.

I hear Howard getting up.

He must be going to bed.

His footsteps come towards my bedroom – and then stop.

He seems to be standing outside my room.

I feel like I used to when I was a kid and I thought a monster was gonna come out my wardrobe. Waiting. Hiding under the duvet. Trying to protect myself.

Then the door handle turns.

I must look like a kid in bed, as well: duvet right up under my nose.

Howard comes in, very quietly, not speaking. He walks carefully, as though he's worried about disturbing something. He comes to my bed and I sit up. He sits down on the edge of the bed, his weight making the mattress sag sideways. For a few moments we sit. I'm looking at him. He's not looking at me.

Then I reach out and lay the back of my hand against his cheek.

I feel his skin tremble a bit, and he turns to look at me. He bends towards me and kisses me. Not like he did last night. I try to kiss him back but he's awkward, holding himself stiff. When I put my hand behind his back he feels tense.

I draw away a bit, to look at him. "It's okay… it's okay."

I kiss him again and this time he relaxes against me. His hands meet behind my waist and his mouth melts into mine. I close my eyes and concentrate on this, letting his lips wipe out everything I've felt today. I lean back against his arms and we slump down onto my bed, his warm weight spreading out on top of me, the duvet somehow coming to rest over us…

Hehe.

I don't know where all this angsty stuff comes, I really don't. Must just be my twisted mind...

The other one should be updated today or tomorrow. More likely tomorrow because my DVD has FINALLY arrived (!) and I'm gonna spend the afternoon watching it.

Thanks for reading.

violence x