Another chapter! Huzzah! In the words of Monsters Inc. "Keep the doors coming, Charlie. I'm on a roll today!" :D

Enjoy!

Director: Alright, let's get rolling! (leans to Tech Guy, who's watching intently) And the drunk duo are…?

Tech Guy: Don't worry, sir. They're completely sober.

Director: (relieved) Thank goodness. As much as I'd like to hear Mercutio talk like the other actors, I think this is for the best. (sighs) Let's go, people!

(Enter Mercutio, Benvolio and the rest of the Montague gang. All are looking frantically)

Mercutio: Where the devil should this Romeo be? Came he not home tonight?

Benvolio: He wasn't at his father's.

Mercutio: He wasn't in the woods.

Benvolio: Where could he be?

(The whole group sits and thinks hard)

Mercutio: (jumping like a maniac) I GOT IT! (they all look at him, expectant) We'll play Blue's Clues to figure out where Romeo is!

(The group moans in annoyance and goes back to looking. Benvolio goes over to Mercutio and hits him on top of the head)

Mercutio: Owwww!

Benvolio: (shakes his head in shame) Honestly, I don't know what to do with you. But finding Romeo is not our only problem…. (pulls out letter) It's from Tybalt.

Mercutio: (after reading it) A challenge on my life! But is he a man to encounter Tybalt?

Benvolio: What's his story?

Mercutio: More than Prince of Cats. Oh, he's the courageous captain of compliments! The very butcher of a silk button! A duelist, a duelist! A gentleman of the very first house. (pulls out his sword) Ah, the immortal passado (mocks movement to look like a goofy-version of Tybalt) the punto reverso, (thrusts sword) the hai! (thrusts so hard that he falls on his face)

Benvolio: The what?

Mercutio: In short, a very good blade!

(The gang tries to lift him up when Benvolio see Romeo enter)

Benvolio: ROMEO!

(The gang drops Mercutio to run to Romeo)

Mercutio: (stumbling up) Without his roe, like a dried herring. O flesh, flesh, how art thou fishified!

Romeo: (laughing) What do you mean?

Mercutio: (teasingly) Can you not conceive?

Romeo: Oh, pardon, good Mercutio. I had very important business to take care of.

Mercutio: That's as much as to say, such a case as yours constrains a man to bow in the hams. (bends his knees like a ballet dancer, the gang laughs)

Romeo: Meaning to curtsy? (curtsies, the gang laughs harder)

Mercutio: (walks behind him) Thou hast most kindly hit it! (Kicks Romeo from behind, causing Romeo to land on the floor)

Romeo: (chuckles) That's a courteous explanation.

Mercutio: Nay, I'm the very pink of courtesy!

Romeo: (looks at him with a smile) Pink for flower?

Mercutio: (lending a hand to help Romeo up) Right!

Romeo: Well then, my pump is well flowered! (Mercutio lifts him up as he says this, the gang is laughing their heads off by this point)

Mercutio: (laughing hard, tumbles to Benvolio) Come between us, good Benvolio. My wits faint! (looks over at Romeo) Why, is not this better now than groaning for love? Now art thou sociable. Now art thou Romeo. Now art thou what thou art—by art as well as by nature, for this driveling love is like a great natural that runs lolling up and down to hide his bauble in a hole! (puts his blade to where it looks like…. Well, I think you get the idea :P )

Benvolio: Stop there! Stop there!

Mercutio: (turning to Benvolio, sword still in place) Thou desirest me to stop in my tale against the hair?

Benvolio: (mocking him) Thou wouldst else have made thy tale large. (Mercutio's sword drops)

Random Guy: (enters but is stopped by the Author)

Author: Nuh-uh. We're NOT doing that again!

Random Guy: Oh c'mon! It was a total burn that time!

(As the two exit, the Nurse and Peter arrive onstage)

Mercutio: A sail! A sail!

Benvolio: Two! A shirt and a smock!

Nurse: PETER!

Peter: (pops his head up from being distracted by a bug) Yes?

Nurse: (holds hand out) My fan, Peter.

Mercutio: (snagging the fan before the Nurse can get it) Good, Peter, to hide her face, for her fan's the fairer face! (The gang laughs once again)

Nurse: (snagging her fan back, annoyed) Good morning gentlemen.

Mercutio: God ye good e'en, fair gentlewoman!

Nurse: Is it noon already?

Mercutio: (walking behind her) 'Tis no less, I tell you, for the bawdy hand of the dial is now upon the prick of noon! (smacks her from behind)

Nurse: (angrily) What kind of a man are you?

Mercutio: One, gentlewoman, that God hath made, himself to mar.

Nurse: (under her breath) I wish! (normally) Can any of you tell me where I may find Romeo?

(Romeo steps towards the Nurse)

The Gang: (teasingly) Oooooo! (laughs)

Nurse: I'd like to have a *ahem* "confidence," with you. (1)

Benvolio: (teasingly) Ooo, she will "indite" him to some supper! (2) (The group laughs like drunk maniacs)

Mercutio: (regaining breath) Romeo, will you come to your father's? We'll to dinner, thither.

Romeo: (refraining from laughing) I'll follow you.

Mercutio: (to the Nurse) Farewell, ancient lady. Farewell!

(All stumble, laughing, offstage, leaving Romeo, the Nurse and Peter. Peter is choking back laughter)

Nurse: Who was that *bleep*?

Romeo: A man who likes to hear his own voice.

Nurse: (to Peter, who stops laughing at the sight of the Nurse) And is there a reason you did NOTHING?

Peter: I thaw- saw, no man use you at his measure-, um, pleasure. Believe me, I'll draw my sword as slick-, quick as any other man, if I see a fight starting and the law is on my thigh-, side!

Nurse: (to Romeo) Anyway, I know my Juliet is wanting to marry you…. (turns away, but turns sharply back with a knife in hand. Steps forward, making Romeo back away) But if you should lead her to a fool's paradise, as they say, I swear I will-!

Romeo: Relax, miss! I have no intention of breaking her heart.

Nurse: (looks him as if she doesn't trust him, then puts the blade away) So what is it you need to tell Juliet?

Romeo: Tell her to make an excuse to come to confession this afternoon at Friar Lawrence's cell. There she will be married.

Nurse: (smiles happily) Oh my! She'll be so happy when I tell her!

Romeo: (pulls out a handful of coins) A reward for your efforts.

Nurse: No… I shouldn't.

Romeo: (as he's putting them away) Okay….

Nurse: (snatching the coins from his hand) That doesn't mean I won't do it!

Romeo: (smiles and begins to leave) Farewell. Commend me to thy lady! (Exits)

Nurse: Ay! A thousand times! …. PETER!

Peter: (popping up from staring at a flower) What?

Nurse: (as she's shoving him offstage) Go! Go! Go!

Director: Well, that actually went-. (A crash is heard from backstage) Well?

Random Guy: (from backstage) GOOOOOAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLL!

Director: What happened back there?

Tech Guy: (runs onstage) It appears that the Nurse pushed Peter so hard that it knocked over some of the actors.

Director: No one's hurt right?

Tech Guy: (looking backstage) Um… no, it doesn't look like it.

Director: Thank goodness.

Tech Guy: But they did break a few set pieces.

Director: (face palm) Great…just great….

Y'know, I think that last moment would've been better if someone blew a vuvuzela.

Random Guy: A what?

Y'know, that horn everyone seemed to complain about during the World Series?

Random Guy: (pulling one out) You mean this? (blows it loudly)

Yeah...that...

Notes!

(1) Just in case some of you don't get the joke, the Nurse is using malaprophism, where bits of words are changed to where it sounds like the word, but not quite. She means to say the word "conference".

(2) Benvolio is mocking the Nurse here by saying "indite" instead of "invite".