Where do I belong?
A.N. Hey there. Thank you for your great reviews. It's because of you I'm still writing this story. I'm sorry I take so long to update such short chapters, but it's my last year at college and the work is just too much. Anyway, here's the next chapter. Hope you like it. Enjoy!
Disclaimer: I don't own Gravitation or it's characters.
Chapter 10
Shuichi was surrounded by darkness. He run everywhere but he couldn't find anything. He was all alone. He crouched down, hands on his head.
"Why is this happening to me? I don't understand. Where is everyone? Where am I? I just can't understand... What was all that? Who was that kid? He looked so much like me... but he can't be me, can he? Does this mean I'm dreaming? Or that I returned to the past or something? But that didn't happen to me, did it? Was I raped by those guys? But if I had been raped, I would remember, wouldn't I?"
He sat down, knees to his chest, his arms around them.
"Maybe I forgot. It's possible, isn't it? I mean, if I really was raped when I was just a kid, I may have repressed those memories. Who would want to remember something like that? And that kid, he was just like me. No only my looks, he acted just like I would have. And then the girl. He called her Maiko and she looked like my sister Maiko."
Suddenly, he remember what happened after that. His parents and his little sister looking for him and finding him lying in a pool of his own blood. His mother's screams, his sister's cries.
"It was me. I was that little kid. I... I remember everything..."
Tears were now falling down his face.
"I was raped when I was eight by those two monks. Then when I was eighteen by Aizawa and those two creepy looking guys. And now constantly by the one I love. But I can't blame him. Not really. He doesn't know what he's doing. He's always drunk when he does it and he can't remember it the next morning. And it's not like we don't do it almost everyday. It's just that... when he's drunk he's very violent. He treats me like a whore.
But maybe I am. Now that I remember everything, I know I'm a whore. I mean, I've been with a lot of guys. Not that I wanted, of course, but still... Yuki was the only guy I really wanted to be, even if he just thinks of me as a toy. But I don't care. I love him. And that's enough for me."
'Is it?'
--
When Hiroshi entered his best friend's hopital room, he saw Yuki sleeping on a very unconfortable chair with his head on the bed and his hand on Shuichi's. Apparently, his friend still hadn't awake. He approached the bed.
"Hey Shuichi, how's it going? You know, everyone is worried. No one knows what's happening to you and that's really frustating. You're the only one who can say what happened. So you have to wake up. I have a feeling you're fighting some demons in your head. But if you wake up, you don't have to do that by yourself. I'll help you, we all will. Everyone loves you."
He sighed. It was no use. Shuichi couldn't hear him. He was lost in his own mind.
"I'm going now. I have to go to Kyoto to meet Ayaka. She's also worried about you. So, see you later buddy."
He stood up and walked to the door. He looked once more at his friend and left the room.
--
Sometime later, Yuki awoke from his troubled sleep. He was having frequent nighmares where he would always hurt Shuichi.
He looked at his sleeping lover.
"I love you Shu-chan."
A tear slid down his face. He stood up and went to the window. He looked at the city in front of him. It was sunset and the city had a golden glow. He wished Shuichi was awake so they could see this together. He had never been a romantic person. How could he, when he had never been a very friendly person? But, now that the pink haired boy was with him, he wanted to become a better person, a better lover, even if shuichi always told him he was already great.
But he wasn't. Because if he was, something like this would have never happened.
"Huh..."
Yuki looked at the door when he heard the noise, but no one was there. 'It can't be Shuichi, can it?' He looked at the bed. His lover was stirring. He approached the bed slowly.
"Shu... Shuichi?"
The pink haired boy opened his eyes very slowly.
"Hum..." he mumbled.
"Shuichi, you're awake! I can't believe it!"
"Yuki...? he looked at his lover, his beautiful violet eyes showing confusion.
"Yeah, it's me love. How are you feeling?"
"I'm... confused... where am I?" he whispered.
"In the hospital."
"What happened?"
"You don't remember?"
"... No..."
Yuki sat on the chair and grabbed his lover's hand gently.
"Some people found you in the train station. Apparenty you had another panic attack and fell unconscious. They called an ambulance and you were brought here."
"Oh..."
"When you arrived at the hospital, you were already in a coma."
"... A coma? But... why?"
"No one knows. You have no injuries that could lead to that. The doctors suspect it's psychological."
"... What do you mean?"
"That something in your mind made your body shut down."
Shuichi sat on the bed and looked out the window.
"Shuichi... tell me what's wrong."
The younger boy looked at his lover. He rarely called him by his name. But it made him very happy when he did.
"Tell me why you cut yourself. Tell me about your nightmares. Tell me why you had those attacks. Please, I need to know. I want to help you. I don't want to see you like that, this, again. Tell me Shu-chan."
Shuichi felt like he was in some other reality. This wasn't the Yuki he knew. He was never this worried about him. Or had he hide his real feelings until now? Was he pretending to be worried? The pink haired boy looked at his lover attentively, watching his pretty face, his beautiful eyes. All he saw was worry and love. Worry about him, love for him.
"I didn't know why I had that attack at your father's house. I couldn't remember. All I knew was that I was talking to him about you and then something he said made me freak out. But I couldn't remember why. Nor the nightmares. Well, I remembered that last one, the one about Aizawa. But not the others."
"And now you know? You remember?"
"Yes. I think when I was in coma, I remembered everything. Well, relive it was more like it. I relived every bad experience that has happened to me, even the ones I didn't remember. I didn't understand what was happening at first, but somehow I figured out he was something that had happen in the past."
He stopped and looked out the window. Then, he sighed deeply and looked at Yuki.
"When I was eight, my parents took my sister and I to Tokyo. Kind of like a family vacation. We had a lot of fun. One day, during that week, we went to see the sights. We had lunch at some park and then I went to look for a old temple people said to be hunted or something. My sister went with me. We found it but she got scared and went back to the park. But I entered the temple. I looked for a while but saw no one. Suddenly, some scary looking monk appeared and took me to a hidden room, saying he was going to show me the temple. Then, another scary monk appeared. I was really afraid."
Once again, he stopped. This was very difficult to him.
Yuki, sensing his apprehension, squeezed his hand gently.
"It's okay. I'm here. If you don't want to tell me now, you can tell me later, it's okay."
"No. I need to say it now." He took a deep breath.
"I was afraid and I was right to me afraid. They... hurt me. They hurt me really bad. They yelled at me. They beat me. They... raped me..."
Yuki was shocked. Terribly shocked. His lover had been rapped by two men when he was just eight. How could someone do something like that to a child? Tears started to fall down his face.
"Shuichi... I... I didn't know..."
"Of course you didn't. I just remembered that myself. I guess I repressed it. Anyway, after that, my parents and my sister found me there, lying on a pool of my own blood. They took me to the hospital and some days later they took me home. I had terapy for a long time since I stopped talking. And I didn't let many people approach me. With time, I forgot all about that. Very much like you with Kitazawa. But the feeling was still there, and some years later I became depressed without even knowing why. That's when I started cutting myself."
"And your parents didn't notice?"
"No. I'm very good at hidding it. No one had ever found out. You were the first to see my cuts."
"And it took me a while to notice. I'm sorry."
"Don't be. It's not like I wanted for you or anyone to find out."
After a short moment of silence, Shuichi continued.
"When I met you, my moments of happiness began to be longer. But my depression was still there. And then Aizawa came along and trapped me. Those guys were very violent but since I kind of agreed to it in order to protect you, it wasn't as bad. And I wasn't as young or small and I was used to have sex with you anyways. But, in the back of my mind, something awoke. That's when the nightmares began. I think it was by then that I start smoking too."
Yuki was overwhelmed by this discovery. He had spent so many years sulking about Yuki Kitazawa and his crime. Yet, Shuichi had suffered much, much more than him. And he was still a ball of joy. Even if most of the time he was pretending to be happy. How could such a pure, innocent person like Shuichi have such a past? It was too much.
"Shuichi... I... don't know what to say. It's too... horrible..." he was still crying.
The younger boy reached for his face and cleaned his tears with his free hand.
"It's okay Yuki. It doesn't matter anymore. At least now I remember. I guess I was in a coma because my mind wanted me to remember.
"There's a thing I don't understand. You had that attack when you were talking to my father. Why then? He didn't... hurt you, did he?"
"No! Of course not! I'm not sure myself, but I think it was because he called me 'boy' a few times."
"... I don't understand."
"One of those monks that... hurt me... called me boy all the time. I guess my mind somehow remembered it and felt in danger."
"And at the train station?"
"Probably the same thing."
Yuki stood up and sat on the bed next to Shuichi, hugging him. Shuichi hugged him back. And they stay like that for a long time, in silence, just hugging and crying. Eventually, they fell asleep in each other's arms.
--
It was 10 p.m. when nurse Kana went to Shuichi Shindou's room to check if everything was alright. She was expecting to see Eiri Yuki there, sitting on a chair next to the bed, staring at the younger boy, waiting for him to wake up, or maybe sleeping on said unconfortable chair, head on the bed and grabbing his lover's hand. She was not expecting to see Eiri Yuki lying on the bed in the arms of Shuichi Shindou. That was something unacceptable.
She approached the bed and shook Yuki not very gently.
"Yuki-san? You can't sleep in there."
"Wha...?" he membled, still half-asleep.
"You can't lie in the patient's bed. You have to get up."
He was now awake. He looked at the person next to him and then remembered what happened.
"He woke up! He's not in a coma anymore!"
"What?"
"He woke up a few hours ago. We talked for a while and then we fell asleep. But he's not in a coma anymore!"
Nurse Kana looked at the pink haired boy, then at the blond.
"I'll call Hino-sama." and she left. Yuki got up and sat on the chair, caressing the small boy's face.
A few minutes later, doctor Sakura Hino entered the room.
"Kana-san told me Shindou-san woke up."
"Yes, yes he did."
"Just like that?"
"Just like that."
"Have you talked to him?"
"Yes. We had a long talk about what happened, before we both fall asleep."
"And?"
"You were right. The reason why he is a self-harmer is the reason for his coma. I told you about what had happened a while ago with his musical rival. But it seems it was not the only 'incident'. He never told me because he couldn't remember it. When he was eight something similar happened. He went to terapy and after a while he forgot about it. But when the same thing happened years later, his mind somewhat remembered it."
"Humm... I see. And that's why he had those attacks?"
"Sort of..."
Yuki and doctor Hino jumped at the new voice. Shuichi had awoke without them notice it.
"Shuichi, this is doctor Hino."
"Hello Shindou-san. How are you feeling?"
"I'm fine, I guess. So, you were talking about me?"
"Yes. Yuki-sama was telling me about your talk earlier. You don't mind, do you? See, we need to know in order to help you."
"... Yeah, I know. I'm not very confortable with telling strangers about my life but I guess it's necessary."
"It is. I've talked to doctor Okina after your arrival here. He'll be your doctor from now on, since this is not my area."
"Is he a psychiatrist?"
"Yes. Yuki-sama told me you had terapy a few years ago?"
"Yeah, I had."
"Good. So you know how it is."
"Good? He had to go to terapy because he was abused when he was just a kid and you say 'good'? I'm sorry, but that's not 'good'."
"Yuki, it's okay. I don't care..."
"But I do."
"Look kids, I didn't mean to offend you. You're tired so you should go back to sleep. Maybe you can go home now Yuki-sama."
"No. As long as Shuichi's here, so am I."
"... Fine. As you wish. Tomorrow morning Okina-sama will come talk to you so you can set up your sessions. Then, you can go home."
"Then, why not today?" Yuki asked. Definitely, he didn't like this doctor.
"He has to stay in observation. After all, he just awoke from a coma."
"Fine, fine."
"Well, have a good night then. And I wish you both the best of luck." and she exited the room, leaving the two lovers behind.
"Let's go back to sleep, okay Yuki?"
"Okay."
Yuki lied next to his lover, who imediately hugged him.
"Good night Yuki."
"Good night Shuichi."
--
A.N. I guess it won't take too long to finish it. But you can never know. Tell me what you think about this chapter. I'll probably update next week. 'Till next time.
R&R! Thanks