Buffy repeated the words, shouting them out. "I hate you Spike, I want to be left alone."

It was so simple before, when she meant those words. How could she be so tied into the vampire now? Wasn't he the same? His hair looked the same. He had the same delineated cheekbones, muscular body, the sardonic curl to her lip. She used to daydream of him, of staking him, stilling that sarcastic mockery, turning that arrogant sneer to dust.

"I love you, Spike," she said softly. It was so real, it seemed to fit so surely into the world, yet it didn't. It complicated everything to a breaking point.

She got off her knees. She felt as though he was there before her even now. That wqas what he had said, that they were square. Together even when apart.

"I don't want to love you," she told him. "You're a monster."

Why can't I stop?

….

"The heart wants what it wants."

Xander rolled his eyes at Anya. "Are you freakin' kidding me? The heart can't possibly be that stupid."

Anya hit him stomach. "Don't be a baby," she snapped at his protest. "Buffy loves a demon. At least she has the guts to admit it. She has the right to pick who she wants, right girlfriend?"

Tara nodded.

"But -"

"No buts, Xander. Don't say or do anything against them, or I'll drum up a little vengeance on you, mister. Love should live. Viva love."

"Viva," Tara agreed.
"What could I say that I haven't already?" Xander threw his hands to his head and wiped them wearily down his face. "We need to get out more, meet some people. We're like Fleetwood Mac, everybody having ill-starred romances with everybody else."

Anya hit him on the back. "That's what I mean, don't say stuff like that. And who in the gang have you been with, other than me?"

Xander tried to get his hand to where she'd slapped him. "Enough with the hitting. Seriously though. If Spike hurts her, will stake him."

…..

Buffy found herself walking through the cemetery, Spike's cemetery. His face wouldn't leave her inner sight, and she lingered on the memory of it. Was it always beautiful? Music wended into her consciousness and she wistfully sang.

How can you see into my eyes like open doors? Leading you down into my core,
where I've become so numb, without a soul my spirits sleeping somewhere cold until you find it there and lead, it, back, home.

He was dead. But his love was so alive. How could that be wrong. If God sent a true love to her, could he despise Spike? He must love Spike, and so her love for him had to be right. Their love made them both alive. A Kandarian demon stepped from behind a tree to join her in the chorus.

(Wake me up) Wake me up inside
(I can't wake up) Wake me up inside
(Save me) call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up) bid my blood to run
(I can't wake up) before I come undone
(Save me) save me from the nothing I've become

Buffy conceded that for once she had the right calculus. She loved Spike, no matter what, no matter who objected. She would not, could not live without him.

Now that I know what I'm without you can't just leave me. Breathe into me and make me real
bring me to life
(Wake me up) wake me up inside
(I can't wake up) wake me up inside
(Save me) call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up) bid my blood to run
(I can't wake up) before I come undone
(Save me)save me from the nothing I've become

He knows me. The real me. Loves the me that's real; not the Slayer, not the cheerleader, not the face or the hair. The me.

Bring me to life (I've been living a lie, there's nothing inside)
bring me to life

Life with Spike meant living. He had sung to her once, about the importance of her living.

Frozen inside without your touch without your love darling only you are the life among the dead. All this time I can't believe I couldn't see, kept in the dark but you were there in front of me.

If he were a corpse she'd still love him, love every green, rotten shred of flesh. She was his woman, his sky and his world. She knew that because he had told her, in many ways that she ignored and to her face plainly, which she had disdained.

He was brave. He faced up to his love from the moment she learned of it.

I've been sleeping a thousand years it seems. got to open my eyes to everything
without a thought, without a voice, without a soul. don't let me die here there must be something more bring me to life
(Wake me up) wake me up inside
(I can't wake up) wake me up inside
(Save me) call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up) bid my blood to run
(I can't wake up )before I come undone
(Save me) save me from the nothing I've become
(Bring me to life) I've been living a lie, there's nothing inside (Bring me to life)

The Kandarian demon finished his vocal backing, and looked about him in confusion. He recognized Buffy and yelped in dismay, expecting her attack. Buffy glanced at him and walked away.

She must see Spike now. Being square was fine and good, but she had needed him near her now, no excuses.

Cordelia called out her name. Buffy looked up in surprise and saw her trotting her way. Angel followed, but from his gait Buffy could see he was not enthused.

"There's something Angel needs to say," Cordy announced. She pulled Angel forward by his sleeve.

"Right," Angel said diffidently, looking down at his feet. "There's something you should know, well two things but - never mind the one, I have another, it's more important. I think it would be best to concentrate on that, because –"

Cordelia rolled her eyes. "Not that, stupid. Buffy, I had a vision and we need you and your scoobies for this one."

Angel tightened his lips in embarrassment. He nodded. "Yeah. Help."

"Well," Buffy huffed impatiently, "what was the vision?"

"A guy is going to kill himself. Tonight, I'm pretty sure. It's because of the demony thing. That's making us all act crazy, but he's crazier. I didn't see what he looked like, but I felt his pain. It's a doozy. Someone really burned him emotionally.

Spike? Buffy shook the thought as soon as it came to her.

The Kandarian demon poked its head up from behind a grave stone. "I may be able to help you find this man."

They all looked at him. Where'd he come from?" Angel asked.

"I don't know." Buffy walked toward him. "You know him?"

The demon nodded. "All I want is a guarantee not to be slain. I'm off your list."

"Okay, it's a deal."

"Thank you. I happened to see Spike heading up to the old mansion on Crawford Street. He was acting peculiarly, even for him. I think he plans on kissing the sun."

Buffy looked at the others. They shrugged. She took off running.