Strength and Courage
Chapter 11
AN: Here is chapter 11, up a day earlier than anticipated. I'm still having the problem mentioned in last chapter's end note and I would love some help to fix it. I'm glad you all are happy with my decision to not have JJ pregnant. I think it's overdone (though sometimes done well) and takes away from the story of JJ's recovery, which is something a reviewer said. (Thanks for that!) There is minor sexual content in the flashback portion of the chapter. Not much at all, but I wanted to warn you. There is also some language. I've never written any sexual content at all ever, so I'm kind of warming up for a future chapter. The flashback takes place early on in their relationship and explains some more of JJ's past experience. Thank you all for your follows and reviews! Please continue to let me know what you think and give me suggestions.
Disclaimer: I do not own CM characters. They belong to ABC, CBS, etc., but not me. If I did own them, neither actress playing these women would have been fired and Jemily would be an actual canon thing.
I also want to add that I fortunately do not suffer from PTSD. I don't know exactly how it works, but I want to do my best to treat JJ's situation with care. So, please correct any mistakes I make, particularly involving this subject. Trigger warning for conversations about rape and violence.
–Gabby
"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage."
― Lao Tzu
The doorbell of the Prentiss household rang out at approximately four thirty in the afternoon. JJ was the first to the door with Emily on her heels. The blonde turned back to her wife and Emily gave her a reassuring smile. JJ took a deep breath and opened the door.
"Jenny!" Annie Jareau had her arms around her daughter before JJ even saw her.
"Hey, mom," JJ replied softly, fully relaxing into her mother's embrace.
Annie pulled back, but kept her hands on her daughter's arms. "Let me look at you." The older Jareau looked JJ up and down, shaking her head disapprovingly. "You've lost weight, Jenny."
JJ was embarrassed. "Mom."
Emily took the opportunity to save her wife from the awkward situation. "Hey, Annie," she greeted, stepping forward. Annie wrapped her daughter-in-law in her arms tightly.
"Mom," JJ started. "I have cookies in the oven and I don't want them to burn. I'm gonna go get them. Meet me in the kitchen." She walked off, letting Emily have a moment with her mother.
The hug Annie shared with Emily actually lasted longer than the one she shared with her daughter. The redhead didn't know how fragile JJ was after her ordeal and didn't want to risk scaring her. She also wanted to have a minute to thank Emily for all she'd done. "I don't even know how to thank you, Emily." Emily instantly began shaking her head in disagreement. "I'm not sure exactly what happened to her, and I won't force either of you to tell me. I'm just glad you let me come be here now."
"Annie, I'm sorry; she was just so overwhelmed. I didn't want her to have to-"
Annie cut off Emily's explanation. "You don't owe me an apology, sweetie. You have always been so good to Jenny. I trust that you did what you thought was best for her. I'm not angry. In fact, I don't think I could more grateful."
"You don't have to thank me for loving your daughter, Annie," Emily assured her mother-in-law. Annie wrapped her arm around the brunette's waist and the two walked into the kitchen together.
"Mom, I'm so sorry. This house is a mess," JJ apologized.
"Oh, darling, please. If I were in your position, cleanliness would be the least of my worries."
JJ put the platter of chocolate chip cookies on the kitchen table and the three sat down together. None of them knew how to start an inevitable conversation. "Girls," Annie finally spoke, "I don't want either of you to feel obligated to tell me anything. I'm just happy to be here now to help both of you heal from what happened."
"But mom," JJ began, "Isn't weird for you to not know anything except that I was abducted by an unsub?"
Annie smiled at her daughter. "Don't get me wrong. I'm willing to hear whatever you're willing to share. But I have a better idea for right now. Why don't the two of you go out?"
"Annie, you just got here," Emily pointed out.
"I'll still be here when you get back. And Jenny, you seem to be very overwhelmed right now, and I'm guessing the state of your house doesn't help. You girls go shopping or something, and while you're out, I'll tidy around here. You both know I enjoy cleaning."
JJ and Emily shared a hesitant look. "If you're really sure, Mom."
"Of course I am," Annie said. "You two need some time away from the house. You need to go on an actual date. How long has it been?"
"More than six months," JJ replied.
"Right. Your fourth anniversary. Seriously, you girls need some time together. I can tell there is some tenseness between the two of you. Which is fine, and it's not like it doesn't make sense. I promise that when you come back here, you'll feel better about yourselves and better about talking about whatever to need to, with me and with each other."
JJ's mother insisted the two leave for a few hours, and anyone who knew Annie knew that you should never disagree with her.
Although her reaction was something she logically expected, JJ was still shocked when Emily had followed the command so immediately. The word "stop" was barely out of her mouth before Emily had pulled out and away from her.
The night was going so well. They had been together for more than two months and JJ was pretty sure she was ready to take the next step. It took a lot of convincing for Emily to believe her. "It's not your fault, but I just don't trust you to ask me to stop if that's what you need," she had said. JJ had desperately pleaded with her girlfriend, assuring her that she would ask for what she needed, and eventually, Emily decided that it was worth it to try.
JJ had just proven that she was ready—ready to stand up for herself.
The blonde didn't know why, but the instant Emily had touched her, she began to hear the malicious laughter of the first woman she'd ever been with, and she couldn't get it to stop. Emily, however, as she promised, was another story. JJ could get Emily to stop. Emily loved her. She wasn't like her.
The woman was a selfish narcissist and got off on JJ's discomfort. In fact, on more than a dozen occasions, the woman had made sure JJ was too drunk to register what was happening in time to stop it. If she didn't actually say the word "no", it wasn't rape right? When JJ was sober, she understood that of course it was, but she was also too young, too shy, too insecure, to feel like she even had the right to ask her to not purposefully get JJ intoxicated again. She was the first woman that ever noticed JJ, and in her freshman year of college, she couldn't resist the attention.
"You're lucky you have me. No one else will ever want you."
The tears immediately started rushing down her cheeks. "I'm sorry, Emily," she sobbed out between gasps.
"If you stopped squirming, it would be over faster."
"Hey, you're okay," Emily comforted, still keeping a safe distance away from her girlfriend. "Just focus on breathing."
"You have no right to say no to me. I'll leave you if you do."
"I shouldn't be crying like this," JJ admonished herself.
"It's okay, sweetheart. Let it out. Just breathe."
"JJ, just shut up and drink your tequila."
"You're not doing anything wrong, Jennifer," Emily reassured her before moving slightly closer and placing one of her hands over the one of JJ's that was resting on her stomach. "I need you to stop talking so you can calm down. Just focus on my voice, alright?" Emily moved her other hand to rest on the top of JJ's head, her thumb stroking over her hair. "It's just me. It's Emily. You're safe."
"Shut up, JJ."
"It's just me. I'm here."
"You're such a stupid bitch. You should be grateful. I'm the only one who would fuck you like this."
"Jennifer, we don't have to make love tonight. Please try to stop freaking out over this. It's okay. We have all the time in the world."
The tears were still coming down, but slower now. "I'm sorry, Emily."
"Shhh," Emily pleaded, placing a gentle kiss to her love's forehead and then pulling up the blanket on the bed to keep her warm. "I'm so proud of you."
"No one else will ever love you."
"I love you."
JJ and Emily had spent time in many stores, buying things once in a while but mostly just exploring. It was now after six o'clock and the two were going to head to a restaurant.
Strangely, the date felt normal, and both had all but forgotten the catastrophic implications of what JJ had been through. The blonde was looking forward to getting to spend time with her mom, and Emily was relieved to see a genuine smile on her wife's face for the first time in months. "Jen, how are you feeling?" Emily asked as they began to walk down the street to a Mexican Restaurant they frequented.
"I'm okay," JJ replied honestly, reaching out to take Emily's hand. "I really am. Maybe I just needed time to work out some things after the nightmare."
"It's been less than twenty-four hours," Emily pointed out.
"I know, and I know I'm not completely better. I have other things to heal from too, we both know that, but I feel safe with you."
"Are you just saying that so we don't have to tell your mom everything that happened?" Emily asked seriously.
"No, I want to tell my mom. She needs to know." JJ paused. "Look, Em. That nightmare is going to haunt me for a while. You know how affected I am by things like that. But this evening has been so normal, so gloriously uneventful, it just feels right. This feels right." JJ lifted up their joined hands and Emily nodded, accepting JJ's explanation.
Unfortunately for the couple, their uneventful evening was about to come to an end.
"JJ!" The two heard called from behind them.
The next few moments were confusing for Emily and she watched her wife's reactions carefully.
JJ turned around and forced a smile after a shocked look crossed her features. "Erin." The greeting was forced and Emily could tell. She stepped to her wife and placed an arm around her protectively. Emily was concerned when JJ didn't tense at her touch at all and greedily sucked up the comfort instantly.
"Who's this, babe?" Emily asked JJ.
JJ opened her mouth to speak, but the woman interrupted her. "Oh! JJ and I go waaaay back. We were close in college."
Emily noticed JJ's grimace at the word "close". She wasn't sure who this woman was, but she was going to get her wife away from her as soon as she could.
"Erin, is it?" Emily asked with forced politeness.
The woman nodded enthusiastically. "The one and only."
It took all of Emily's strength not to slap the woman. She was nauseatingly self-absorbed. "I'm Emily, Jennifer's wife." Emily reached out her hand to shake the woman's firmly, clearly asserting dominance.
"Oh, I guess I was wrong," the woman spoke softly to herself, disappointed. Neither of the agents heard the statement. "Well, it's nice to meet you Emily," she spoke up bitterly.
"Listen, Jayje, I have to be going. Look up my Facebook. We need to get together soon and talk about old times." The woman walked away as she spoke, giving a wicked smirk and wink to JJ at the end of her sentence.
JJ stood and stared for several seconds. "Jennifer, who the hell was that?"
Emily had been formulating theories and she was afraid reality would be worse than her imagination.
"I…why do you think I've never wanted you to call me JJ?" she asked.
Emily was getting more and more confused by the moment. "Everyone calls you JJ, you wanted it to be special between you and me. That's what I always thought."
JJ shook her head no. "She called me JJ."
"Jen," Emily pleaded, stepping to her wife and taking her hand. "This would be a bit easier if you spoke in complete, coherent sentences."
JJ took a deep breath. "You've just met Erin, my first."
AN: So, what did you think? Did you figure out who Erin was? How do you want Emily to react? What do you want to happen with JJ's mom? I haven't decided these things yet, so please help me decide. Also, I would really appreciate it if someone could help with my story stats problem. Next chapter will be out mid next week if I can figure out what I want to happen next. Please follow and review!