Chapter Eleven
After a restless night, Mary awoke early to oversee the preparations for the wedding, while the rest of the wedding party had made themselves semi-useful by lining up seats for the ceremony or setting up tables for the reception. However, Kieran and Tom were particularly unruly, which caused Mary to develop a migraine after luncheon and banish the brothers from the wedding space.
"Look, Tom! I'm ribbon man," Kieran had said after wrapping his entire body in a giant spool of ribbon that was meant to be fastened to the chairs for the reception. He looked like a mummy.
"Kieran, I swear, I will kill you!" Mary shouted when she saw him.
"Did you say you'll kiss me?" Kieran barked, trying to back away as Mary stalked toward him.
"Watch out, she's got scissors in her hand!" Tom called out, shaking with laughter as Kieran was impeded by the ribbon he'd tied around his legs.
"Tom, please," Sybil begged, noticing the color rise in Mary's cheeks.
"Kieran, that ribbon was twenty pounds a spool. If you so much as wrinkled it, I'll punch you so hard, you won't be able to open your eyes for a week," she threatened.
"First, you'll have to kiss me," Kieran teased, making kissy noises at Mary.
She glared at him.
"Come on, Kieran," Matthew said, approaching them. "Mary's been working hard and you're being a prat."
"It's just a little kiss, mate," he said. "What's the big deal?"
"No one wants to kiss you, Kieran!" Tom shouted.
Kieran made a face at Tom before disentangling himself from the ribbon rather solemnly. He presented the wad of ribbon to Mary, kneeling dramatically.
"Your majesty," he said in a deep voice.
"Shove off," Mary replied crossly, coloring deeply as she snatched the ribbon from his hands and walking off with it. Her eyes flickered to Matthew momentarily, her throat going dry as she remembered all the times he had lovingly called her 'your majesty' in order to tease her. Matthew had frowned at this moment, although she had been able to tell if it was caused merely by Kieran's folly or the same memories that had surfaced in Mary's mind. "Tom, take your brother and get out of my hair before I go mad."
After they'd both disappeared, Mary had settled herself at one of the tables to untangle the ribbon Kieran had nearly destroyed. Matthew and Sybil both joined her, as though they wanted to ensure she didn't strangle herself with the fabric.
"Damn that Kieran," she muttered, her fingers wrestling with a few knots.
"I'm sorry they've been so unmanageable," Sybil apologized. "Kieran just likes to get a rise out of you."
"So does Tom," Mary replied, her head aching. She put down the ribbon to rub her temples.
"I'll get you some aspirin," Sybil said, getting to her feet.
Mary sighed as Sybil hurried away.
"Here, let me help with that," Matthew said as Mary started to pick at one of the knots.
He slipped the ribbon out of her hand, his fingers brushing against her skin.
"Sorry if I've been unreasonable," she said quietly. "I suppose I'm just tired."
"Don't worry about it," he told her. "And you're not being unreasonable. You have a lot on your plate right now, and they weren't making it any easier."
A hint of a smile was on his lips, causing Mary's heartbeat to speed up. She smiled slightly.
"Yes, well, I suppose I have been rather short with everyone today. I didn't sleep much," she admitted, not meeting his eyes.
Matthew didn't respond for a moment, biting his lip as he forced a knot to untangle.
"What's up?" he asked, looking at her over the ribbon.
"I was just finishing some job applications," she said truthfully.
Although she didn't mention that after she'd finished those she had been unable to sleep because she kept thinking about Matthew. And then she'd dreamt about him. She blushed, remembering the dream she'd had right before waking up that morning.
"Will you really go to America?" he asked, pulling her out of her embarrassing memories.
Mary thought she sensed a hint of unhappiness in his voice, as though he didn't want her to go.
"I think so," she said. "I'll speak with Grandmama when she gets in this afternoon. Although none of the others even know I quit the magazine."
"You mean you haven't told you family?" Matthew asked, surprised by the admission.
"Sybil's wedding hardly seemed the time to mention that I'm unemployed," Mary replied. "I know they'll all be disappointed in me. And it would only make Edith more victorious. She has a boyfriend and a job whereas I don't have either of those things."
"Is Anthony coming tonight?" he asked.
"I imagine," Mary said with a sniff. "Although Tom's parents and Mama are in charge of the rehearsal, thank God, so I have no idea."
Neither of them spoke for a few minutes. Mary felt tense as she sat with him, unsure of what to say or do except focus on untangling the ribbon. Kieran had practically ruined it, making Mary too cross to speak.
"Mary?" Matthew said, pulling her out of her angry thoughts. She looked up, surprised by the emotion in his eyes.
"For what it's worth, I'm not disappointed in you," he said gently. "In fact, I'm quite proud of you for standing up to Carlisle. You're an amazing woman."
Her cheeks turned red and moisture filled her eyes.
"You don't think I'm a fool for quitting my job?" she asked sheepishly.
"Of course not," Matthew said with a smile. He reached over and took her hand. "I know that you're strong enough to face anything."
"I wonder. Sybil's the strong one. She really doesn't care what people think, but I'm afraid I do," Mary said.
"You're strong. A storm-braver if ever I saw one," he replied sincerely. She smiled and Matthew gave her hand a gentle squeeze.
After a moment, he furrowed his brow and said, "I was wondering if I could ask you something."
Mary hesitated before asking, "What is it?"
Matthew was still holding her hand and he brushed his thumb over her skin. Her stomach twisted in anticipation as she waited for him to speak.
He was about to respond when Sybil returned with a bottle of water for Mary. Matthew dropped her hand very quickly, returning his attention to the ribbon as his ears turned bright red.
"Sorry I took so long," Sybil apologized, handing her sister a few aspirin. "Edith stopped me to ask about tonight."
"What about it?" Mary asked after taking a swig of the water and downing the pills.
"She wanted to know when to tell Anthony to arrive," Sybil explained as she sat in the empty seat beside Mary.
Sybil cast a furtive glance between Mary and Matthew, as though she had seen Matthew holding her sister's hand. Mary noticed, but pretended to be engrossed in the ribbon.
"Did Kieran ruin it?" Sybil asked.
Mary was grateful Sybil didn't ask any questions about what had happened while she was inside.
"Nearly," Mary replied.
"I'm sorry for that," Sybil said. "But you don't need to stress yourself out about it anymore, Mary. You've already done so much for me and there's no way I'll ever be able to repay you. Promise you'll force me to plan your wedding as punishment."
Mary looked down, her eyes burning as her cheeks grew hot. She was very aware of Matthew's presence beside her. He shifted in his seat.
"Please, I'd do anything for you, Sybil dear," Mary said. "Think no more about it."
The three of them returned their attention to the ribbon, neither of them speaking more than a few words to lighten the mood or observe the idiocy of Kieran. Mary caught Matthew's eyes a few times and found herself blushing involuntarily at his gaze.
When he thought Sybil wasn't looking, he held her gaze for a long moment and smiled at her. Mary was rather surprised at the look she saw in Matthew's eyes. It reminded her too much of the way he used to look at her when she had known that he loved her.
After the rehearsal, the wedding party and the couple's family and closest friends gathered for dinner. Mary found herself seated by Isobel and Matthew during the meal, and as much as Mary enjoyed Isobel's company, she couldn't help but feel slightly uncomfortable around her. It was clear to Mary that Isobel wanted her to feel at ease, but she couldn't shake the feeling that Isobel disliked Mary for throwing Matthew over. Even if it had been over four years ago. Besides, Mary still despised herself for it.
Finally, the dinner was over and Mary tried to escape by engaging in a conversation with Charlie and Elsie.
From the corner of her eye, Mary watched as Sybil and Tom began dancing. The pure felicity in their faces made Mary aware of the empty feeling in her own chest. Tears stung her eyes, but she blinked, trying to erase their presence.
"Are you going to keep your promise?"
Matthew's rich voice pulled Mary out of her thoughts. She forced a smile to her face as she turned away from Charlie and Elsie.
"If only to keep Kieran at bay," she said, glancing at Matthew.
He smiled back at her, chuckling quietly.
"That makes me feel important," he quipped, offering Mary his hand.
She accepted it, her fingers tingling at his touch.
They joined the other dancers, Matthew's hand resting on her waist. Mary tried to not think about the warmth of Matthew's touch, or the fact that he seemed to be holding her closer than he had at the engagement party. His scent was familiar and comforting, causing her heart to ache.
Neither of them spoke for a few minutes, Mary's heart pounding in her ears as Matthew examined her face.
"It seems so strange that this is finally happening," she said quietly, avoiding Matthew's eye as she observed the other dancers over his shoulder.
"Sybil and Tom? Why is that strange?" he asked lightly.
"I suppose it's because I've seen them together for so long," she replied honestly. "It's almost as though they've never been apart."
She met his eyes and the intensity she saw in them took her breath away. He turned his face slightly so that their cheeks nearly touched.
"They're very lucky," Matthew said softly, his lips so close to her ear that she could feel the warmth of his breath on her cheek. "Especially compared to most people."
Mary exhaled slowly, her heart pounding frantically as she felt the weight of his words.
"You're right," she replied, her voice shaking. "Please, excuse me."
"Mary," he protested, but she ignored him.
She slipped out of Matthew's arms, hastening out of the house.
She burst outside, unsure of where she was going or why she was suddenly so agitated. It was as though the wall of a dam, one she had been holding up for so long, had fallen down and it was all she could do to keep herself from drowning.
Hurrying across the lawn away from the house and the wedding decorations, Mary only slowed when she could only just hear the music coming from the house. In a slower fashion, she walked toward the garden, her riotous mind racing as she breathed in the scent of lavender.
"Mary?"
She tensed her shoulders at the sound of his voice. Of course, he would follow her. But why?
Mary turned on her heel, her eyes meeting Matthew's as he crossed the remaining stretch of grass to stand a few feet from her.
"Are you alright?" he asked.
In the moonlight, Matthew's eyes were gentle, his face concerned by something more than brotherly affection.
"Please, don't ask me," she said, hugging her arms around her waist, as though to keep herself from falling apart.
Matthew moved closer to her, reaching out his hand to touch her arm. She didn't pull away, instead stepping forward into his touch.
"The other day at the cafe, when you said that I'd despise you if I knew the reason, what did you mean?" he asked gently, brushing his thumb against her arm.
Mary looked into his eyes, her heart thudding unsteadily in her chest.
"Why do you care so much?" she asked. "You have no obligation to me."
"Mary, please tell me," he said.
His voice was so tender, Mary's heart ached with the hope it brought to her. She stepped away from him, breaking contact with the warmth of his touch.
"I'm still in love with you," she whispered. Her voice shook slightly as she looked at Matthew.
He stared back at her, his eyes widening as she spoke. He didn't respond, as though her words had paralyzed him momentarily.
"I thought that I'd gotten over you, but when I saw you again, I knew I still loved you," she rambled, her eyes burning with moisture. "I just needed you to know," she murmured, looking away from Matthew's shocked face.
She couldn't tell if he was appalled by her admission or simply surprised, but she couldn't look at him any longer. Perhaps Lavinia had been wrong. She had been drunk after all.
Mary turned away from him, distancing herself from Matthew's continuing silence. She tried to steady her breathing, but her heart raced as she heard the sound of Matthew's feet shuffling towards her.
"Oh, God, Mary," Matthew said quietly.
She turned to find him much closer than she had expected, causing her to relax her arms at her side. With hesitation, he reached out to wrap his arms around her, hugging her against his chest.
"I am so, so sorry. Do you know how sorry I am?" he murmured into her hair.
Mary sniffed, burying her face in Matthew's shoulder. He smelled just as she remembered, the same as he always did.
"Don't be," she said, a few tears escaping from her eyes and falling on Matthew's shirt. "It wasn't anyone's fault. If it was, it was mine."
He kissed the top of her head, sending a chill down her spine.
"Mary, if there's anything I could do, I would," he said, his lips moving against her hair.
She pulled back, looking at him with surprise.
"Isn't there?" she asked, glancing at Matthew's mouth. Their faces were so close, she could almost imagine the taste of his lips.
"What can I do?" he asked seriously, furrowing his brow as he gazed at her.
Mary looked back at him for a few moments, her mind unfocused from the intensity in Matthew's eyes. Slowly, she reached up to touch her fingers to his cheek. He didn't pull away, but instead tilted his face so the corner of his lips brushed against her palm.
They seemed to stand like that for ages, Matthew's face only inches from hers. She was vaguely aware of the house nearby and music drifting across the lawn, but it hardly seemed to matter. His eyes were pale, but Mary could see the fire that burned behind them.
"Mary," he breathed.
She could barely hear his voice over the rustle of the wind in the trees and the sound of blood rushing in her ears. She brushed her thumb against his cheek.
Matthew sighed in relief before pressing his lips softly against hers. Mary wrapped her hand around the back of his neck, her fingers stroking his hair.
He kissed her more firmly now, even hungrily, as though he had been starving for her touch. Matthew tightened his arms around her waist and Mary pressed her body against his, as though trying to get as close to him as possible. His breath was hot and delicious, just as she remembered.
As they kissed, Mary couldn't remember the last time she'd been so intensely happy. And then, Matthew's phone rang.
"Dammit," he said, reaching into his back pocket for his mobile with one arm still around Mary's waist. Until Mary saw the caller I.D.
Lavinia.
She pulled away as Matthew swallowed, swiping his thumb against the phone before holding it up to his ear.
"Hello?" he answered, his voice anxious.
Mary could hear Lavinia's chirpy greeting, although she couldn't catch all the words.
"Hi," he said, not addressing her by name. "No, darling, it starts at four-thirty."
At the word "darling," Mary backed away from Matthew, her mouth dry.
"Yes, I'm sure. No, no, I don't mind," Matthew said, glancing at Mary, whose eyes were glassy with moisture. "It's been, um, interesting. Yes, I'll see you tomorrow."
He hung up, his eyes still on Mary's crumpled expression, but he didn't speak.
"Please, say something," she entreated. "If it's only 'goodbye'."
"I'm sorry, Mary," he said softly, reaching out to touch her hand.
She moved it out of his reach, angry tears filling her eyes.
"I'm such an idiot," she said, stepping away from him.
"Mary, don't-" he began. "Please, don't think I don't care about you."
She swallowed hard, trying to find the words to respond.
"Oh, obviously," she said sharply.
Matthew flinched, as though she had slapped him across the face.
"Please, try to understand," he said, his voice firmer than before. "You and I have a history, but Lavinia-"
"Oh, right, how could I forget about Lavinia? She's every-bloody-place I go," she replied bitterly.
"Did you expect me to drop her just because you suddenly decide that you still love me?" he asked, growing angry himself. "You refused me, remember?"
"Do you think that decision doesn't haunt me every single day? You're the only man I've ever loved and now you're with someone else. How the hell do you think it makes me feel when I see the two of you together?"
"You had no right to spring this on me. Lavinia and I were fine before I saw you again. I was fine without you back in my life," he said, but his resolve faltered.
He paused, shaking his head. He met her eyes and Mary felt her own anger wane when she saw his expression. He looked as broken as he had when she had said she couldn't marry him.
"When I went to Manchester, I was devastated. For months and months and months, I could hardly sleep. I didn't eat. I threw myself into my studies. If I never gave myself a moment's rest, I hoped I could erase the memory of you from my mind. Every secret between us. Every kiss. But I couldn't. Even in a place I'd never been before, I would see and hear things that reminded me of you. A woman's laugh that sounded like yours. Your favorite book in a shop window. I couldn't escape you. And now, when I'm finally okay, you push in and tell me that you're in love with me again? You are the most frustrating woman in the entire damn world," he said. His words were biting, but his eyes were full of confusion.
"Yeah, well, I was fine too," she said. "I didn't ask for you to come back and remind me of everything I'd lost when I refused you. Don't think that I've had any peace since you left, you arse!"
Matthew sighed and Mary blinked back the tears in her eyes. Neither of them spoke for a few moments.
"You were wrong about one thing," he said finally, his voice quiet.
"Only one? And what is that, pray?" she asked.
"I never would...I never could despise you," he said.
Mary's chest felt constricted, as though it were in a vice. She swallowed hard, tears escaping down her cheeks.
"I should go," she whispered.
She wanted him to ask her to stay, for Matthew to wrap his arms around her again and kiss her again. Instead, he nodded and Mary felt as though her stomach had fallen somewhere around her knees.
Without another word, she turned and walked back to the house. As she crossed the grass, she couldn't stop herself from crying harder than she had in years.
Rushing through the back of the house, hoping to avoid any of the guests, she nearly crashed into Charlie Carson.
"Mary! Here you are! We've been wondering where you disappeared to," he said. His smile faltered when he saw her face. "Mary, are you quite well?" he asked kindly.
"Of course," she said tearfully. "You know me, Charlie. I'm never down for long."
She covered her face with her hands and Charlie wrapped his arms around her.
"I know you have spirit. That's what counts. It's all that counts in the end. There, there," he said, gently rubbing her back as Mary continued to cry into his shoulder.
[Downton quotes are italicized as usual. I'm not sure when I'll be able to update next because I'm going out of town in a few days, but I'll try to do it as soon as I can. You're all wonderful and I really appreciate all your comments. xoxo]