AN: Warning - graphic content ahead. Proceed with caution.

As this was a particularly difficult chapter to write, I can't promise the editing is spot-on.
If you take personal issue with this chapter, feel free to PM me and we'll have a lovely discussion about it.
Flames will not be tolerated as I find them completely unnecessary.
I thank you, as always for taking this particular journey with me.

Chapter 11 – Paradise Lost

(Hermione)

I still couldn't believe Taylor had truly hated me that much. I mean to wish I was dead? How could he even pretend to have loved me if that was his true feelings on the matter? I hadn't seen the hatred in his eyes as they were completely swelled shut, but I could feel it in his practiced fist.

It was easy to allow Narcissa to lead me back to bed. She was quite correct, I shouldn't have been up but the draw of Draco's strangled shouts and the sounds of glass breaking and furniture being tossed about couldn't have kept me in bed long. I had never seen Draco Malfoy's anger before and I vowed to never see it again. It terrified me if I was being honest with myself. I hadn't known he was truly capable of such violence.

I couldn't help but wonder if I was leaving one bad situation just to run headlong into another. I'd like to think Draco wouldn't ever do anything to me in anger, but after watching him practically bludgeon Taylor to death, I was having second thoughts. The look in his eyes, well I understood it and he looked absolutely horrified that I saw him on top of Taylor like that.

Everything hurt and I didn't wish to think about anything other than that. It was easy to allow Narcissa to take the reins as it was obviously something she was quite used to doing. It didn't bother me any, though sometimes when she looked at me, I felt as if she were hiding something. She would never hold my gaze long, instead directing me toward my daughter. It was easy to allow myself to be distracted by Carina's nonsensical chatter. She was happy so it was easy to allow myself to feel happy as well.

I wasn't dead, so there was that. It meant more to me than I thought it would. For a long while I had thought, truly believed I would welcome death. However, when faced with the very real possibility, it was terrifying. The very idea I'd never see Carina or even Draco ever again was absolutely inconceivable.

I was having trouble focusing at that point. Carina was reclining upon one of the many pillows, twisting blonde curls around her fingers while my eyes drooped. I didn't want to sleep. I wanted to see Draco, I wanted to feel his arms around me and know it would be alright. Everything had to be alright. I'd been through enough, haven't I?

"You really should get some rest." Narcissa hovered in the aristocratic yet matronly way only she could. Her hands had a tendency to flutter near my face and I knew she wished to brush the hair from my forehead, but she was averse to touching. I couldn't blame her, not really. She tried. She valiantly tried to shed the pureblood ideals she had become accustomed. She had aided numerous witches in my position and I suppose it was easier when the women in question weren't in love with her son.

"Something's wrong isn't there?" I had to ask her. I could see the worry in her eyes yet I couldn't be certain if it was for me or for her son. My hand instinctively dropped to my stomach and her eyes followed, closing briefly. I saw it then, the raw pain in her blue eyes and it scared me.

Narcissa's painted red lips opened and closed a few times and I was absurdly reminded of a fish underwater. She sat beside me and laid her hand on mine. This was bad. This was very bad. Sure, Narcissa had been ridiculously kind before, but this was something else, something different. Of course that was the moment my son chose to make his presence known. I was used to the gentle thumping, each roll causing me to sigh in relief, until now. Narcissa withdrew her hand quickly, as if it burned and covered her mouth. She stood up just as quickly and I could see the tears pooling in the corners of her eyes in the seconds before she hurried from the bedroom without a word.

Carina had crawled over the ridiculous pile of blankets and nestled into my side. I loved to watch her sleep; I didn't think I'd ever get tired of it. I could smell the steam of the shower. Isn't that odd? I knew it was Draco, hopefully scrubbing the remnants of Muggle fighting from his knuckles. I adored the delicious aroma which was just so irrevocably him. I couldn't put it into words; I was so damn tired it was difficult to keep my eyes open any longer.

When I woke it was dark but I knew it was morning. I don't know how I knew, but I did. Carina was no longer beside me but that wasn't my greatest concern. Something had woken me, but I couldn't put my finger on it. I groaned, struggling to sit up and that's when I felt it. I don't know how to even begin to describe the sensation.

One moment my son was resting just beneath my breasts and the next…it was as if he fell. My heart dropped, my stomach clenched and I couldn't breathe. Something was wrong. Something was so terribly wrong. I rolled onto my side with closed eyes, silently willing him to move. There was a presence, but it was different. I could feel him simply lying wherever he was tossed when I moved and I knew…I knew, but I didn't want to admit it. I couldn't, not yet.

I tossed the blankets from me and struggled to sit up. Everything ached, but this was bigger than the battering my body had taken. I swung my feet to the floor and that's when I felt it. Everything was instantly in slow motion. I had heard of moments where such things had happened but I always brushed it off as a figment of their imagination. I knew differently now and I cursed my own callousness.

I pushed myself to my feet and I could feel my life's blood, my son's life blood pouring from my body. I doubled over as another wave of pain coursed through me. I hurried to the loo as quickly as my feet would take me.

"No no no…please no no no." I was chanting to myself and I knew it was a fruitless endeavor but I couldn't give up. I wasn't ready to give up on him.

There was so much blood, too much. It was so red and smeared on my thighs, practically dripping to my feet. I opened my mouth, but no words would come out. I was frozen with fear. My breaths were hard and fast and I couldn't squelch the groan that worked its way from between my parched lips.

I discarded my nightgown and tried to organise my racing thoughts. I had to get back to bed. I couldn't just sit here on the toilet. I knew that losing consciousness was a certainty with the wave of dizziness that made my head swim. I snatched one of the large white towels on the counter and stuffed it into my knickers. I knew it was ridiculous, but I didn't have other options at that point.

I needed help. I needed…Ginny. I didn't know if she was still here but I couldn't face Draco or even Merlin forbid his mother, not now. It was my fault. It was my entire fault. I should have left sooner. I shouldn't have fought with him. I shouldn't have angered him. I shouldn't have told him my son wasn't his.

I couldn't help but to wipe the floor. I couldn't risk the chance of Carina stepping into the puddles and smears. I didn't wish anyone to witness my shame. It was silly, I knew it was silly. In the grand scheme of things what did it matter if I left the lavatory completely disastrous?

I managed to get myself back into my bedroom. I even managed to rummage through the drawers of my bureau to find a new set of pyjamas. It was ridiculous to struggle into the plaid pants but I wasn't about to ruin another nightgown. At least the pants were old, worn and comfortable. I needed comfort. While I yanked the plain white tee shirt over my head, I thought perhaps I would be given a reprieve. I thought perhaps I had been wrong and it was just a figment of my imagination. If I opened my eyes, maybe I would be safely in my bed and this would all turn out to be a horrible dream. Instead, I was racked with another sharp, piercing pain and I fell to the floor. I tried to get up, but I was so weak. I managed to pull myself toward the door. I could hear whispered voices on the other side and I wished to shout but I could barely raise my hand to scratch upon the wood.

"Should we check on her?" Harry, oh Harry yes open the door.

"Let her rest. Did you make the arrangements with the Wolf Weasel and the French Bint?" Draco, of course it would be Draco. No, I didn't want him. I couldn't bear to witness his pain compiled on my own.

"They have names Malfoy. Yes, to answer your question. Bill and Fleur are prepared to receive you. Look, I'm just going to peak my head in, why don't you have a breakfast tray prepared for her. She'll definitely be hungry." I could imagine Draco rolling his eyes before swiftly moving down the corridor toward the kitchen.

My bedroom door creaked open slowly and I knew Harry's eyes were on the bed. I wasn't in the bed, mind you but he didn't know that. The heavy door hit my shoulder but I couldn't move, let alone do anything more than release a breathy moan.

"Oh shit." Harry's green eyes widened and I could see the horror as he stared not at my face, but at the puddle of blood pooling beneath me.

"Ginny." It was excruciating to whisper, but I needed her. I needed her more than I have ever needed anyone.

Sure Ginny was always a bit rough around the edges and she had a wicked temper, but that wasn't important. She loved me. She understood me on a level that no one else could even begin to understand. We didn't need words to communicate. In the beginning of our friendship we were understandably wary of each other, each protective of our places in the hierarchy, but in the end we discovered a great friendship in each other. She would always stand beside me, no matter my choices and I couldn't help but love her for it.

I could hear the scuffling of feet, but somewhere along the way my eyes had closed and they were so bloody heavy I couldn't force them open if I tried. I felt myself being lifted from the floor and the world spun around me. I was suddenly gagging. My face was shoved to the side and I vomited all over someone.

"Harry, put the extra sheets on the bed. No, don't worry about the bloody vomit now. Get Narcissa and keep Draco out of here at all costs. I don't care if you have to bind him to a chair. Don't hurt him though. She'll need him when all is said and done." Ohh Ginny, I knew I could count on her.

My eyelids fluttered open and it seemed as though she was so very far away. I was in the midst of a long dark tunnel and I couldn't see the end of it. The light was slowly fading, but it was her voice that drew me back.

"No, don't you dare. You stay with me." She was slapping my face and I winced. Of course I winced, Ginny slaps particularly hard, trust me on that.

"It's happening then?" I couldn't move my head to face Narcissa but I knew it was her just the same. I felt instantly betrayed. She knew? They knew? They knew this was a viable possibility and they didn't tell me? They didn't think I'd wish to know?

I was hyperventilating then and I supposed that was to be expected as well. I allowed my eyes to close because the physical and emotional pain was almost overbearing. My abdomen was hard as it contracted, attempting to expel my deceased child. I felt as though I were dying. From the scurrying about, hushed voices and nervous responses, I assumed I was dying. When I managed to pry my eyelids open, I saw nothing but the black. It was eerily black and I wasn't afraid. It was so peaceful and beautiful, but Ginny kept slapping me back to reality, interfering bitch. I didn't mean it, not really but I won't lie and say the thought wasn't there.

"We need the Healer. This is obviously beyond my realm of expertise." Narcissa was busy wrenching my pants off and my stomach rolled from the jerking motion. I could feel the bile gathering in the back of my throat. I managed to slap the empty place beside me which garnered me Ginny's attention.

"I need a basin, quickly! Get the Healer!" Ginny was quite commanding and I half expected Narcissa to argue with her. How silly of me. No one with a bit of sense would argue with angry Weasley.

I despised the Healer upon first touch. He wrenched open my bent knees and flipped up the sheet, exposing me to the morning air which I didn't appreciate in the least. His hands were cold and his prods were careless. If I could have moved, I knew my back would have arched off the bed. The only thing I could do was moan and whimper.

"Be gentle. You're hurting her." Ginny hissed and instantly held my hand for which I was thankful. I could barely squeeze her fingers, but she was there and that's exactly what I needed.

"Perhaps I should clear the room. She's lost an awful amount of blood. She'll definitely require a Blood Replenishing Potion. There are definitive fetal parts as well and…" I swallowed hard, mentally repeating the offensive words until the tears freely fell.

"You say those words again and I'll Avada you myself." Draco! Oh he shouldn't be here. I didn't want him to see me like that.

I was freely sobbing then, no longer able to maintain the quiet façade. It was his voice that did me in. He was angry, but it wasn't directed at me. He was still protecting me. I didn't deserve it; at least I didn't believe I deserved it. I'm sure he would stubbornly cling to the opposite opinion.

I must have drifted off because when I opened my eyes once more, Ginny was wiping down my thighs, calves with a wet cloth and Draco was stroking my forehead. He was murmuring something, but I couldn't make it out. It must have been some sort of healing spell as the powerful ache in my womb abated.

"I'm so sorry love. I know that doesn't make it better. I could tell you that it will be alright and we'll have a lovely home and fill it with as many children as you like, but it won't take this agony away. I wish I could do that for you. I wish it had never come to this. I should have stolen you away like a thief in the night. I shouldn't have walked away in the first place. Have I told you I love you? I can't remember right now. I'm so tired." Draco continued to mumble into the side of my neck and I doubt he even noticed his head had dropped.

I suppose I was wrong. It was difficult admitting it, but perhaps Draco was exactly what I needed. Ginny covered me with a light sheet and my eyes followed her around the room. They didn't notice that I was awake, either of them. They were both lost in their own dismay and I wasn't about to interrupt them.

My eyes were stinging, with the slightest hint of a burning sensation. I was sure that horrid Healer was to blame. I swallowed and I could taste the horrid lingering aftertaste of a Blood Replenishing Potion which explained quite a lot. I had only intended to beg Gin for a glass of water but every time I opened my mouth, I was overcome with a horrific crying fit.

I couldn't help it but this wave of guilt washed over me. I didn't know if it was from my hand in the loss of my son or even from jarring Draco from a fitful slumber, but I couldn't make it stop. It didn't matter how much I wished it to stop, it consumed me until I felt as though I was nothing more than the tears seeping from my eyes.

"Don't try to open your eyes. The Healer decided Muggle medicine would be better for you. You were a bit out of it for awhile. He said your eyes would clear up in a few hours. You need to drink. Just let me prop you up." Ginny was whispering to me and I wondered if Draco was still nearby but I didn't wish the sting to return so I did as I was told.

"Let me do it." Draco Malfoy slipped his arm beneath Hermione's head, easing her up. It was difficult to hold her, awkward angles, her head lolling to the side until finally he gave up. With Ginny's aid he was able to sit behind her, allowing her exhausted form to lean heavily upon him.

She drank the water greedily, no matter how many times he urged her to slow. He could feel her trembling while she sniffed, her movements slow and pained. Draco easily wiped the tears from her eyes, knowing she was in dire need of comfort but not quite sure how to complete the task.

"Are you hungry?" The room was so quiet, even with Ginny hovering nearby his whisper rang out as if it were shouted.

Hermione shook her head slowly, grasping the hand at her side with such strength he was amazed she had it in her. He couldn't help but kiss her temple, which sent her into another round of silent tears and he sighed. Draco didn't have the sort of experience required to deal with such things. He was completely out of his element and realised she was as well. It was the pain of the experience which bonded them together yet again.

"Harry would like to speak to you if you're up to it." Ginny patted Hermione's covered foot, still unable to make eye contact.

She wasn't used to seeing the astonishingly brilliant witch overcome with an emotion which wasn't centered around anger. She hadn't known it was possible and while she felt a peculiar pang, Ginny Potter knew it couldn't compare with the heart rending fracture of Hermione's heart.

"Alright." Draco couldn't help but wrap his arms firmly around her and stroke her sides. Her breaths were ragged and he knew she was barely hanging on by a thread.

Ginny was out the door in a rush, thankful for something to do. She stopped short at the sight of Carina clinging desperately to Narcissa and toying with her grandmother's long blonde hair.

"I can barely believe it myself. I never allowed Draco to touch a single strand of my hair when he was a child. Carina on the other hand has been simply inconsolable. I suspect it was the bustle of strangers and the definitive darkness in the air from Taylor's untimely visit. How is she?" Narcissa adjusted the small toddler on her hip with practiced ease, while patting the child's back slowly.

"Its only been a few hours. Considering she's been through hell in the past few days, she's doing surprisingly well. Harry, she said it's alright if you wish to speak with her now. I suggest keeping it short and sweet, well as sweet as you can manage." Ginny tried to smile, but it fell short as she knew it would.

"I sent Blaise back to London. I figured it was really sort of pointless for him to stay. He's only an owl away if Malfoy decides he needs him or something. Gin, I sort of said it would be alright if Pansy and Blaise looked in on the boys. I hope you don't mind, but you know your mum spoils them and…"

"It's fine Harry. I miss them terribly. I was planning on returning but…" Ginny shrugged, letting the rest of her sentence dangle unspoken. There wasn't a need, not really.

"I suppose I should send Lucius an owl." Narcissa sighed, obviously displeased with the idea. While Lucius might have earned himself a reprieve from the dungeon, he had not yet earned forgiveness from his wife, which amused Harry Potter to no end.

Harry made his way down the narrow corridor and held his breath upon creaking open the bedroom door. He still had a bit of trouble when it came to seeing Hermione with Draco Malfoy, but he tried his best considering the circumstances. He wasn't sure what the best course of action was, so he procrastinated which was something he was quite familiar. Harry avoided looking directly at the mourning couple, but it was difficult to tear his eyes from them once he sat upon the white cushioned chair at the foot of the bed.

Draco Malfoy had Hermione situated in his lap and was rocking her slowly, toying with her short hair, murmuring soft soothing words into the side of her throat. Hermione, for her part, clung to his shirt desperately, whispering the same few words over and over again in such a way Harry's heart broke just a little more.

"I'm sorry. It's all my fault. I'm sorry." Harry was not surprised in the least when it came to Hermione's admission of guilt. What he hadn't expected however was Draco's quiet reassurance.

"Granger, it's not. You know it's not. I know it's almost impossible to see it now, but one day when it's not as fresh, you'll believe me. It doesn't matter what you think you've done, it was Johns. It's his fault." Harry concentrated on the rhythmic motion of Draco's hand, stroking Hermione's face and her arms, rather than the timbre of his voice.

"You're going to hate me. You don't know what I've done. It truly is my fault…if I hadn't…" Hermione kept her eyes shut tight, petrified of the truth she craved to spill forth upon unwilling ears.

"Love, please stop. I don't care what you think you've done. There's no excuse for his actions. There never is. I'm not leaving you, not again."

"Swear it? No matter what I did, no matter what I said…you'd stay?" Hermione hiccupped against the base of his throat, releasing the smallest groan.

"I've let you slip away too many times. I don't even care if he wasn't mine. He was part of you; I'd have loved him just the same. One day, in the near future, because I'm an impatient man, I'm going to marry you. I'm going to whisk you away to a lovely house in the countryside, maybe just outside Hogsmeade. It would be nice to live closer to a magical community. Wiltshire is so far from everything after all. I'm going to build you the biggest library you've ever seen and we're going to fill that house with so many children we're going to be mistaken for Weasleys." Harry swore he saw the slightest hint of a smile twitching the corner of Hermione's parted lips and inwardly sighed. She was a fighter, she'd always be a fighter and it would take more than this deplorable event to redefine Hermione Granger.

"He found your letter and shouted at me. I shouldn't have shouted back, but I couldn't help it. I was so bloody angry. He kept laughing at me, like I didn't even matter and I suppose I didn't, not to him. I never did. I was so stupid for marrying him. I fought back. I'd never done that before and…" Hermione stumbled over her words, yet Draco's fingers covered her lips.

"Granger, I don't care what you did. I've already told you. I'm not leaving. I don't care if you spit in his eye or insulted his manhood. I find it difficult to believe the bastard has a manhood, but no matter. I swear it." Hermione did smile then, Harry was certain of it and as her eyes fluttered open, he knew this was his moment to interrupt their disgustingly sweet display of affection.

"I'm sorry to interrupt but…"

"No you're not Potter, don't lie." Draco lazily smirked over the top of Hermione's head, unable to stop himself from irritating the green eyed wizard.

"Alright fine, I'm not sorry, better Malfoy? It doesn't matter. The Ministry wishes you lot to be relocated as soon as you're able. It's been arranged that you'll be moved to Shell Cottage. It's close and safe. Ginny will accompany you but she'd really like to get home to the boys. Of course if you need her, she'll only be a Floo away." Harry cleared his throat and normally Draco would make some sort of snarky remark but now wasn't the time.

"Please tell me my mother isn't invited."

"Can we go now? I really am feeling much better and I don't wish to spend another moment here if it can be helped." Hermione interjected before Harry had a chance to respond.

"We can leave as soon as you're ready. Narcissa and Ginny have gathered all of Carina's belongings. I'm not sure if they've gathered anything for you since…"

"I don't want anything. Malfoy is in possession of the photographs I hold dear. That's all I need." She sounded so cold and removed from the situation, Harry knew she was putting up her emotional walls but before he could even suggest such a thing, Draco was staring down at her with narrowed eyes.

"Don't do that. Don't close yourself off. You've got to face it head on. You'll never heal if you do that and you bloody well know it. We've been down that road before haven't we? I don't wish to see you return there, love. I couldn't bear it." Hermione immediately softened, dampness licking her eyelashes as she nodded slowly.

Quite frankly Harry Potter was absolutely amazed to observe Hermione Granger easily surrendering to Draco Malfoy. If he hadn't been sitting he was fairly certain his knees would have buckled at the sight of it all. Hermione didn't buckle. She valiantly fought her way through every argument until eventually the recipient wasn't even sure what the point of the argument was to begin with. It's what she did. It's what she always did, but then again, Harry hadn't exactly adapted to a Hermione Granger so obviously in love. It scared him just a bit and he wasn't afraid to admit it.

"He was yours." Hermione continuously tried to tuck her curls behind her ear, but they were as stubborn as she and refused to remain in place. She stared into her lap, avoiding Harry's questioning gaze.

"I know. I knew from the moment I heard his name. He was yours. He was mine. He was ours. I'll make sure Taylor Johns pays for what he's done, but I won't lose you in the process." Hermione nodded ever so slowly, her hand lightly fingering his cheek before she kissed him.

He wasn't expecting it, but he wasn't about to pull away from her either. He was desperate for the smallest iota of affection from her. She was his lifeline, whether she realised it or not. Draco hadn't realised how empty his life was without her in it and he vowed to never rediscover such an existence.

"Malfoy, Harry…I want you to promise me something." Hermione glanced between the two men, ignoring Harry's stiff posture. He knew exactly what she was going to ask. Nervously he held his breath, hoping he was wrong.

"Anything, love." Harry winced, knowing Draco Malfoy hadn't the slightest idea what she would demand.

"I want you to kill him. Would you do that for me? Would you make him suffer the way I've suffered?"

"Hermione, I don't think that's the best course of action. I mean you can't really expect me to…I work for the Ministry and…" Hermione immediately tuned out Harry's response as it was exactly as she suspected it would be.

Instead she turned to Draco with hope in her eyes. She wasn't a violent witch, not by any means, but this was different. She knew she might feel contrarily at some point in the future and accepted it easily. She hoped Draco would understand her plight, understand the life altering sufferance and agree, even if she did happen to change her mind later. At this moment, she fervently hoped he'd know how desperately she needed it.

Hermione studied the hardened stormy eyes with her forehead pressed to his, simply waiting. Draco contemplated the idea and it pleased him so thoroughly he shivered with delight. Of course he knew she didn't mean it. No matter how much she truly believed she did, it was the pain talking, but who was he to deny her, her greatest desire? He managed a small smile then, pinning her face between his large hands, he breathed her in. Merlin how he had missed her. Draco knew it was almost time to set aside his personal emotional upheaval, but just for a moment, the smallest moment he allowed it to wash over him and it was excruciating.

"Granger, my love, it would be my pleasure."