A/N – This was a very emotional chapter to write. I am really interested to see the feedback I get from it! I don't want to take up any more reading time, so I'll simply say, go Colts and happy reading!

Chapter 10 – Barely Breathing

Lulu thought about just turning and walking out. She really had no idea how to begin to explain to Johnny what had changed. She didn't want to have to. She hated Matt for doing this. Not necessarily for the pain she was feeling, but for the pain on Johnny's face right now as he just stared at her. Blankly. There was no expression, and worst of all, no love. The loving gaze that had swept over her, that she had become accustomed to, was gone.

He turned from her and the tears began to pour down her face more rapidly. He walked into the kitchen and she followed, needing to explain somehow. To try and make the love come back. She didn't know what to do if he didn't love her anymore. Her eye caught the beautiful table with the dinner he had made for them a second before he overturned it. All of its contents clattered to the ground and the table broke as Johnny kicked it violently. Lulu jumped back, not out of fear for herself, but fear for Johnny. What was she doing to him?

"Johnny," Lulu sobbed. "I'm sorry."

"Sorry?" Johnny asked, his voice laced with malice. "I'm so damn tired of your games. You're not sorry. You don't give a damn about anyone or anything but yourself."

"That's not true," Lulu protested. "I love you."

"Right," Johnny laughed humorlessly. "You love me. You love Matt. You love me, again. What do you expect me to say, Lulu? Hmm? Do you want me to say 'I love you, too'? Do you want me to beg you to stay with me and not to stay with your husband?"

"Johnny," Lulu whimpered.

"You do, don't you?" Johnny said, rolling his eyes. "You get your kicks off of breaking hearts. Hell, I'm probably not the first, right?"

"Please say you don't believe that," Lulu cried.

"I don't know what to believe," Johnny replied, hurt flashing in his eyes, which he quickly replaced with his anger from before. "All I know is I'm looking at a liar."

"I didn't lie to you, Johnny, never," Lulu promised.

"Really?" Johnny asked. "Because I seem to remember something about wanting to be with me and stay with me. I seem to remember you telling me, repeatedly, that you loved me. If that's not a lie, why aren't you staying?"

"Because I never get what I want," Lulu answered.

"No," Johnny shook his head. "That's just another lie. You're a lawyer, Lulu. If you want something, you take it and there is no reason why you can't take a life with me if that's really what you want."

"It's not that simple," Lulu fought.

"It never is," Johnny sighed. "I had life all figured out. No need for love because it isn't real. It's all lies and manipulation. But for some reason, I abandoned all of that for a married woman who said she loved me. I guess I shouldn't even be angry with you because I was the idiot who traded in all I knew to be true for someone who didn't want me."

"You don't believe what you're saying," Lulu said, a sob escaping her lips. "You're lashing out at me because I hurt you, but you don't believe that I don't want you. You don't believe that our love isn't real."

"You don't know anything about me," Johnny yelled.

"I do know," Lulu cried. "I know because you talked to me and I talked to you and-"

"And it was all fake!" Johnny screamed, effectively cutting her off.

Lulu inhaled sharply and started to shake as the sobs racked her body. Johnny turned from her again and went back into the living room. Lulu clenched her hand to her chest, sure that her heart was about to fall out from the pain she was feeling. She coaxed her legs into walking back into the living room, only to find it empty. Johnny came out of the bedroom, holding a file in his hand.

"While you were gone I started looking for houses," Johnny admitted. "I tried working, but I couldn't really focus, so I got online and looked for a new place for us. I like my apartment, but it's not really a family place and I knew that was something you wanted. Or at least you said you did, so I guess that's hit or miss."

"Johnny," Lulu squeaked out, but Johnny shook his head.

"The worst part of this is that it wasn't fake for me. I loved you. But that's over now. You have a husband and you two might have a family some day. I know you like the house you have now and it's new, but here's one that I liked," he said, holding up the file and then handing it to her. "I printed out all of the information. It looked like it had a big back yard that kids would love to play in. And it had a porch swing that faced West which would be perfect for watching sunsets. You probably don't want the house, but maybe you can keep the papers and not forget about me. What kind of hopeless fool am I? I want the happily married woman to remember I exist. But I can't help it. I don't think I'd survive if I knew how little I really meant to you."

"I could never forget you," Lulu swore. "And I'm not staying with Matt forever. Listen, he's being sued for malpractice and if I divorce him, he'll most likely lose his license. I may not be in love with Matt anymore, but he doesn't deserve that."

"But I deserve this?" Johnny wondered. "I deserve to be the one left behind?"

"No," Lulu cried. "This is only temporary. When the case is over, everything will be like we planned."

"No, it won't," Johnny sighed. "Because the next time it will be something else. Another reason you have to stay with him."

"That's not true," Lulu argued. "If this was just about me or Matt then I would be here to stay right now, but it's not. There are people out there who deserve to be cared for by a great doctor and that's what Matt is. He's a horrible husband and a pretty bad person, but he's a great doctor. This is about them, too."

"Maybe you're right," Johnny shrugged. "But I can't be stupid again."

"What do you mean?" Lulu asked.

"I'm selfish, Lulu," Johnny replied. "I won't share. I won't be the other man waiting for the day when his dream girl finally leaves her husband. Because we both know the longer you put it off, the less likely it is to happen. Hell, maybe you and Matt will rediscover the reasons you got married while this trial is going on."

"That's not going to happen," Lulu tried, but Johnny stopped her protests with his eyes.

"I won't give it a chance to," Johnny said sternly. "I want you to choose right now. If you leave, I'll accept it. No hard feelings, we were a mistake and you regret it. I won't call Matt and tell him about last night or ruin you publicly. It will be over and done with. But know that I do want you to stay, and I believe if you really want to, you will."

Lulu took in Johnny's words with pain in her heart. He was giving her an ultimatum. Demanding that she stay or face the consequences of a life without him. She was a little shocked that he would force her to choose. Of course it wasn't fair for him to have to wait on Matt's trial, but didn't he understand the weight that was on Lulu's shoulders? Didn't he see that by asking her to stay right now he was asking her to single-handedly ruin someone's life?

"Your silence says it all," Johnny snapped, a look of hatred in his eyes. "Get out of my apartment."

"Wait," Lulu begged. "Don't do this."

"Are you staying with me or him?" Johnny asked, his voice rising.

"I-I-I," Lulu sputtered.

"You don't love me," Johnny finished for her. "You don't want to stay with me. You want your life to be the way it was before you met me. Guess what, Lulu. You're finally going to get what you want."

"Please," Lulu whimpered, desperately trying to think of something to say that would make this runaway train stop.

"I think I always knew how this would end," Johnny said, walking to the door and opening it. "You walking out of here, going back to him. It was the only way it could end. There is no such thing as a happily ever after."

"I love you," Lulu said, stopping in front of Johnny and trying to bring her hands to his face.

"No," Johnny snapped, catching her hands. "You don't, but it doesn't matter. Because I don't love you anymore."

"Love doesn't just go away," Lulu argued.

"Sure it does," Johnny replied, guiding Lulu out the door and letting his hand rest on the doorknob. "You can't feel love if you can't feel anything."

With those words, Johnny shut the door in Lulu's face. She raised her fists up to it, beating on it desperately, praying he would open the door and say that he changed his mind. But he didn't. He didn't say a word or utter a sound. She sunk to the floor and cried for at least an hour. Finally, she picked herself up off the ground and leaned her forehead against the cool door one last time.

"I'll never stop loving you, Johnny," Lulu promised, shutting her eyes as the last tears she had swam down her face. With nothing left to say or do, she turned from the door and walked away.

Johnny knew he looked awful. He hadn't slept a wink the night before. He had, however, drank a lot of alcohol. He knew going into the office in the shape he was in was a bad idea, but he wasn't thinking about the future of his career. This time he was only thinking about finding a way to survive.

He knocked on the door in front of him and was called to come inside. He took one last deep breath before entering and finding Alexis on the phone. When she looked up, her eyes widened and she quickly ended the call.

"What the hell are you doing here looking like that?" Alexis demanded. "Do you know how bad you're making this office look right now? I should fire you."

"Okay," Johnny nodded. "Go ahead."

"What?" Alexis asked in shock.

"Fire me," Johnny supplied.

"That was an empty threat," Alexis muttered. "You're too valuable."

"Then I owe you an apology for what I'm about to do," Johnny sighed. "I appreciate all of the opportunities that came along with this job. Being your ADA gave me more than you'll ever know."

"Why do I feel a 'but' coming on?" Alexis wondered, shutting her eyes tightly.

"But I have to quit," Johnny finished.

"Why?" Alexis asked.

"I'd rather not say," Johnny breathed.

"Isn't there any way I can get you to stay?" Alexis questioned.

"No," Johnny replied. "There's nothing for me in Port Charles."

"So, who snatched you up?" Alexis asked. "Who is the big law firm that's taking you away?"

"I don't have a job to go to," Johnny admitted. "I just can't be here anymore and I'm going to ask you to understand that."

"I can't agree to understanding it," Alexis responded. "But I will accept it, since you seem so adamant."

"Thank you," Johnny said, offering a small smile.

"If you need anything, call me," Alexis offered, shaking his hand.

"I will," Johnny nodded and then exited her office.

He headed for his car and quickly got in. He hated how he had become a coward. How she turned him into a coward. Shemade him into so many things. Desperate, pathetic, broken. And alone. He'd been alone for years, but it had never bothered him before losing her.

Why had he listened to her words? Why had he stood at the door and listened to her sobs and cries? Why had he remained to hear her say she would never stop loving him? Why couldn't he say or think her name?

Because it hurt too much.

It hurt too much because he was still feeling, despite what he told her. He still loved her. He was beginning to think he would always love her. That she would be the one person he couldn't get away from. The one he couldn't hide his heart from. The one he would dream about.

She was the one he couldn't really live without.

Lulu woke to the sound of her door opening. She slowly sat up, looking around and remembering she had spent the night at Carly's. Her head was pounding, probably from crying herself to sleep. Or maybe the bottle of tequila she had downed. Either way, Carly was by her side, offering her a bottle of water and two aspirin.

"Thank you," Lulu muttered, taking them both from her hands.

"You wouldn't say a word about what was going on last night. Do you want to tell me what has you so upset now?" Carly asked.

"No," Lulu answered, tears gathering in her eyes as she remembered the look on Johnny's face the previous night.

"Come on, honey, you need to talk about it," Carly said soothingly. "Is it about Matt?"

Lulu laughed sadly and nodded. Of course, Matt wasn't really to blame. Lulu knew the only person she had to blame was herself and that was what made it so difficult. She had done everything wrong and now she had to deal with the consequences.

"It's probably not as bad as you think," Carly offered, rubbing Lulu's back in a soothing manner.

"You have no idea," Lulu replied, her voice hoarse from so many hours of crying.

"Maybe you can enlighten me?" Carly suggested.

"I don't even know where to start," Lulu groaned, letting her head fall into her hands as she began to cry again.

"You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to," Carly said, frowning at how devastated her young cousin was.

"I cheated on Matt," Lulu admitted.

"And he found out?" Carly guessed.

"No," Lulu shook her head. "He doesn't know, but he doesn't know much about me as it is."

"You sound like you're thinking of leaving him," Carly noted.

"I am or at least I was," Lulu muttered. "It wasn't just a one night stand or a mistake. I'm in love with someone else, Carly."

"Oh boy," Carly breathed.

"Yeah," Lulu agreed. "But I didn't even care if I broke Matt's heart and I was going to leave him for Johnny-"

"Johnny?" Carly asked, interrupting Lulu. "As in Johnny Zacchara, the other ADA who you hated the last time I talked to you?"

"That's him," Lulu nodded. "But you know, I never really hated him. I wanted to, but there was always just something about him. He had my attention from the start and looking back, it wasn't because he was my competition."

"So what happened?" Carly wondered.

"Matt just found out he's being sued for malpractice," Lulu explained, her voice soft. "If I leave him now he would look really bad. But when I told Johnny that I couldn't leave him just yet..."

"He refused to wait," Carly finished and Lulu burst into another round of sobs.

"I love Johnny so much, Carly," Lulu cried. "I know asking him to wait is selfish, but don't I owe it to Matt to help him keep his license?"

"Do you really want to talk about what you owe Matt?" Carly asked.

"I never should have married him," Lulu sighed. "We haven't been happy for our entire marriage. Maybe it was wrong to seek comfort somewhere else, but I don't regret Johnny. Not even for a second."

"Then why do you feel the need to help Matt keep his job?" Carly questioned.

"Because we may not be compatible as husband and wife, but we have a lot of history," Lulu answered. "I watched him work himself to death while he was in med school. I saw him drained of energy, yet still saving lives when he was an intern. He deserves to continue practicing medicine."

"So you're really willing to throw away your future for your past?" Carly wondered.

"It's not that simple," Lulu argued.

"I think it is," Carly replied. "I'm not saying that Johnny was right in making you choose, but he had his reasons. And you not choosing him probably said a lot in his mind."

"I know," Lulu sobbed. "I know what I did to Johnny was wrong, but I don't think I could make it right now. Even if I left Matt right now, Johnny wouldn't take me back."

"You don't know that," Carly said, wiping away her tears.

"Yes, I do," Lulu cried. "He told me he didn't love me anymore."

"Oh, honey," Carly soothed. "He didn't mean it."

"He did," Lulu insisted. "He's been through so much in his life and he let me in and I broke his heart. How could he still love me?"

"Lulu, listen to me," Carly said firmly, taking Lulu's face in her hands. "If he was really able to stop loving you so quickly, then he never loved you at all. Now, I trust your judgment and I think if you were willing to leave your husband for him, you knew he loved you. Maybe he's hurting right now and lashing out, but it doesn't mean you should give up on the two of you being together."

"Then what should I do?" Lulu asked. "How is this situation going to work out?"

"I don't know," Carly shrugged. "But I know if you and Johnny really love each other, which I think you do, then you owe it to your heart to not give up."