All characters belong to Janet Evanovich. I'm just bothering them for now.
Chapter 12
After her session with Dr. Childress, Stephanie went upstairs to take a nap. When she was out of earshot, Dr. Childress turned to Ranger.
"Mr. Manoso, it's a very important thing that you are doing for Stephanie. She's very lucky to have you."
"Call me Ranger," he said, showing the doctor to the kitchen table. "And I'm the one who's lucky to have her. I don't know what I would have done if I hadn't gotten to her in time."
The men sat down across from each other at the table. Dr. Childress eyed Ranger intently. "You must love her very much."
"More than I've ever thought possible," Ranger replied, looking right back at the doctor. "It took almost losing her to realize that." He paused as a thought crossed his mind. "Am I doing right by her? Is there anything else I should be doing?"
Dr. Childress pulled a few pamphlets out of his bag. "I think you are doing wonders for her. I am a little concerned that with you being so close to her, you might not recognize the warning signs. These pamphlets were created by a local suicide prevention coalition and it tells you the signs you need to look for in case of a possible down turn. I'd like for you to look through them and watch Stephanie for any of the signs."
Ranger stared at the pamphlets on the table, his heart heavy in his chest. "Arthur, when you say down turn, what exactly are you talking about? Is it just a bad day where I will need to cheer her up? Or is it more serious than that?"
"Sometimes it's a little of both. The signs in the pamphlet are for you so you will be able to know when it is serious enough to bring her to my office for immediate therapy or a change in medication. But if you can stop a bad day from becoming more than just one bad day, you might be able to prevent a cycle of suicide ideation from starting. Once the cycle starts, it can be very difficult to stop."
"Do you have recommendations for me to use to help her on the bad days?" Ranger leaned forward in his seat, all his attention on the doctor. " I'll do whatever I can to get her through them."
"Well, for the bad days, you might want to have a few things on hand, like comfort food or a special piece of clothing. You might want to take her out of the house to break the mindset, even if it's just to go to the movie theatre. You don't need to screen her visitors or her callers unless you believe they're going to make a bad day worse. Some families leave notes for the patient to find around the house on both good days and bad."
"What kind of notes?"
"Not quite love notes, but notes that say things like 'I love your smile' or 'let's take a walk' or 'my favorite memory of you is…' or 'this note entitles you to one extra scoop of ice cream at a vendor at the boardwalk'. You get the idea. Notes of things that will make her smile." Dr. Childress looked thoughtful for a second. "You could also start a gratitude journal to do with her at night."
His suggestion sounded a little too "Oprah Winfrey" to him. "How would a journal help her?"
"You will want to write down things with her every day for a while of things you can both be grateful for. Little stuff, things like "I'm glad dinner turned out so well" "I am grateful for bubble baths after a long and hard day" "I love the sound of the birds outside my window first thing in the morning" You can repeat stuff, and the things you record don't have to pertain to both of you it can be one or the other. The point is to get her to see what good things she does have all around her all of the time."
"Do you really think it will help?"
Dr. Childress chuckled. "I'm the doctor and I do it on a regular basis. The more things I say I'm grateful for, then the more things I am grateful for. Even we 'professionals' need to be reminded that life is worth living." He turned serious again. "She is doing well right now, but I need for you to have some tools in case things get rocky. My hope is that her road has very few bumps and dips, but it is not always true for everyone all of the time. Medication and therapy can only do so much. She will have to do the rest of the work."
Ranger sat up in his chair. "What kind of work are we talking about?"
"She has a list of goals that she would like to achieve, many of them right now are work related. I know you will be able to help her with those. It will need to be her idea to ask you for help on the goals and she may not even choose you to help her."
"Why wouldn't she choose me to help her?"
"Your approval of her means so much she doesn't want to disappoint you. Her expectations might be a little too high right now. If she doesn't reach her expectations with someone else, it would be OK, but to think she has failed or disappointed you might be too much for her to stand. Always give her choices, not too many and always choices you can live with. The word of the day is choices."
Ranger sighed. He had never thought she would be so afraid to disappoint him. He wanted to tell her that nothing she could do would disappoint him, as long as she was doing what made her happy. Focusing on Dr. Childress, he spoke again. "If it's okay with you, I'd like to meet like this at least once a week during Steph's therapy. Just to make sure that I'm on the right track."
The doctor nodded his agreement. "I was thinking the same thing." He stood up then and picked up his bag. Ranger showed him to the door. "I have to head back to the office. I have an appointment I have to prepare for." Shaking Ranger's hand, he nodded again. "I'll see you and Stephanie in two days."
After Dr. Childress left, Ranger returned to his office to review the pamphlet he had received. Stephanie had shown many of the signs and he was glad he hadn't missed them. He couldn't bear the thought of what might have happened if he hadn't gotten there on time.
Ranger booted up his computer to bring up his work schedule. He realized it was long since time to delegate some of his out of town trips to others in the office. It was also time to add responsibilities to the core members to ensure he could be where he needed to be when he needed to be there.
That done, he thumbed the brochure one more time. Reading through the signs again, he mentally checked the ones that Stephanie had exhibited.
Talking about suicide, including making such statements as "I'm going to kill myself," "I wish I were dead," or "I wish I hadn't been born"
Withdrawing from social contact and having an increased desire to be left alone
Wide mood swings, such as being emotionally high one day but deeply discouraged the next
Preoccupation with death and dying or violence
Changes in routine, including eating or sleeping patterns
Personality changes, such as becoming very outgoing after being shy
Risky or self-destructive behavior, such as drug use or unsafe driving
Giving away belongings or getting affairs in order
Saying goodbye to people as if they won't be seen againSome people don't reveal any suicidal feelings or actions. And many who consider or attempt suicide do so when you think they should be feeling better — during what may seem like a recovery from depression, for instance. That's because they may finally be able to muster the emotional energy to take action on their feelings.
"Babe," he whispered to himself, setting the pamphlet down on his desk. "I'll never let you fall apart ever again. I'll do whatever it takes. I promise."
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Stephanie woke up from her nap a few hours later. Stretching in the big bed, she inhaled deeply and her stomach growled at the wonderful smells coming from the kitchen. Smelled like Ranger was in the domestic mood again. She could really get used to such wonderful treatment.
She made a quick trip to the bathroom and splashed water on her face. Pulling her hair back in a ponytail, she followed her nose down to the kitchen.
Ranger was standing at the stove, stirring a large pot of what looked like stew. He looked up when she walked into the room. He smiled, taking in her presence with twinkling eyes. She looked so beautiful at that moment. Her face was free of makeup and her hair was simple and pulled back. In her blue drawstring pants and white tank top, she looked younger than usual. Her feet were bare. Ranger couldn't help but think how perfect she looked in his home. Like she belonged there.
"Smells great," she said, coming closer to peer into the pot. Her stomach growled and Ranger chuckled.
"It's called Ajiaco. It's a Cuban stew," he said, setting the long spoon on the counter. "Did you sleep well?"
"Like a baby," Stephanie said, looking up from the pot. "Is there anything you need me to do?"
Ranger nodded and tilted his head towards the refrigerator. "Will you make the salad? Everything else should be ready in about ten minutes."
"I can do that," she said, opening up one of the cabinets. She pulled out the big salad bowl and started pulling fresh vegetables out of the refrigerator. While she chopped the lettuce and broccoli and carrots, Ranger pulled a loaf of French bread out of the oven. Ten minutes later, they were seated at the table, bowls of salad and stew in front of them.
While they were eating, Stephanie couldn't help but grin. "Did you learn how to make this as one of your punishments?"
Ranger smiled, a little surprised that she remembered that. "Mama and Abuela made this a lot. The first time they taught me to make it, I was grounded for driving the car to the end of the driveway."
"How old were you?"
"I think I was about seven," he answered. Stephanie burst out laughing, imagining little Ranger sneaking behind the wheel of the family car. "It was either being grounded to kitchen duty or having my father send me off to kiddie boot camp. I had chosen the boot camp, but Mama thought I would do better learning the fine art of Cuban cooking."
"I've never even heard of kiddie boot camp," Stephanie said, buttering a slice of the bread. "Does that really exist?"
Ranger nodded and took a drink from his water glass. "My father had a retired Army buddy who ran a boot camp for troubled youths. I was most definitely a troubled youth at the time, and Dad threatened to send me there at least once a month. Mama always convinced him that I would learn my lesson in the kitchen."
"It must have worked," she said, watching his face as he spoke. Even though he was discussing his childhood punishments, he had an almost wistful look in his eyes.
"It did until I hit thirteen," he set the glass down and gave her a wry grin. "By that time, I was getting into so much trouble that my parents ended up sending me to my grandparents house in Miami."
"Boot camp wasn't the answer by then?"
Ranger shook his head. "Not for long term. I lived in Miami for four years."
Stephanie played with her soup spoon for a moment. "Were you happy that you moved?"
He shrugged. "To be honest, I didn't care either way at the time. It worked out well in the end, though. I guess that's what matters."
She looked up and grinned at him. "Yes, you did turn out pretty well."
Ranger gave her a wolf grin before nodding at her empty bowl. "You want more?"
"Sure."
He refilled both bowls and they spent the rest of the meal in a comfortable silence. Once they were finished and all the dishes had been washed and put away, Stephanie turned back to him.
"Arthur had me make out a list of goals today. I was wondering if you could help me with them?"
Ranger smiled. He was thrilled that she wanted his help with something so important. Dr. Childress' comments about Stephanie being afraid to disappoint him had bothered him. He didn't want her to ever worry about that. "I'd be glad to, Babe."
"I want to get stronger and more fit. I was hoping that you would help me start up a fitness program. And maybe some self defense lessons." Stephanie's face turned pink and she hurried to add, "That is if you have the time. I don't want to take you away from anything important."
"You're important, Steph. And I'd be happy to help you."
She breathed a sigh of relief. Even though he had always tried to get her to join him for a run or in the gym, a part of her had been afraid that he wouldn't want to help her. And if she didn't have Ranger there to push her, she probably wouldn't get very far.
"We can start in the morning," he continued. "Are you willing to get up at six for a run on the beach?"
Stephanie fought the urge to groan in protest. After all, this had been her idea. She nodded in agreement, but a sudden thought struck her and her stomach clenched. "But what about Joe? If he's here looking for me, he might see us out in public."
Ranger stepped closer and took her in his arms. "Do you really want to stay in hiding just because of Morelli? He can't do anything to you if you don't let him. I promise, Babe, I won't let him hurt you again."
"But he could cause trouble for you," she whispered, burying her face in his solid chest.
"He can't do anything to me. We haven't done anything wrong."
Deep down she knew that. Even Arthur had told her that. But she couldn't shake the feeling that if Morelli knew where they were, he would make their lives a living hell.
"I need to be able to stand up to him," Stephanie said softly, squeezing her eyes shut. "I need to be able to stand up for myself. You're right. I can't keep hiding. It's important for me to stand up to him. I'm just glad I won't have to do it alone."
Ranger smiled and kissed the top of her hair. "Proud of you, Babe."
She took a deep breath and pulled away. She managed a tiny grin. "So does this make you my personal trainer?"
"I live to serve." He teased, reaching out to brush a stray curl behind her ear.
"Can you teach me self-defense training?" She groaned once the words left her. Of course he could. What was she thinking? Ranger just grinned.
"Anything you want, Babe."
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The next morning, Ranger woke Stephanie up bright and early. He knew it made her miserable, but she held in the complaints and pulled on a pair of sweatpants and a sports bra instead. Shrugging into a tee shirt, she tied her hair back in a messy ponytail and declared herself ready to roll.
Ranger cut down his usual five mile run to three. Running in sand was a lot harder than on solid ground and he didn't want Stephanie to get discouraged on the first day. She managed to keep up with him and by the time they got back home, her cheeks were flushed and she was smiling. Ranger was glad to see that the early morning exercise agreed with her.
They ate whole grain bagels and drank fruit smoothies for breakfast before he took her to the home gym. Showing her how to use the machines, Ranger made up a fitness schedule with her. In the mornings, they would run on the beach, unless the weather was bad and then she would run five miles on the treadmill. After breakfast, she would spend thirty minutes on the rowing machine and thirty minutes on the Bowflex. After lunch, four days a week, Ranger would teach her self-defense moves. After that would be dinner and free time. Ranger was surprised when Stephanie agreed without complaint. He noticed she complained less when she had a part in the decision making. The schedule left very little time alone, but Stephanie seemed determined to get through it. Just more proof that she was ready to make a change for the better.
Ranger also suggested that every night, they would make dinner together. Knowing that he wasn't offering so she would make a better housewife, but to broaden her horizons, Stephanie agreed. Cooking with Ranger had been fun before and she was looking forward to being able to do more for herself. And she was pleased when he promised that there would be no pot roast or roast chicken or any other "Burg wife favorites" in the kitchen. She hoped that that meant he would be teaching her how to cook Cuban. She had a strange urge to cook something special for him someday.
For the first day, the fitness schedule went surprisingly well. Despite her aching muscles, Stephanie could feel her confidence taking a much needed boost. Huh, maybe all that "exercise releases endorphins in your brain" crap wasn't really crap after all. The Bowflex was a bit of a pain, but she really enjoyed the rowing machine. Maybe she should see about buying one for her apartment when she went back.
Since it was her first day, Ranger decided to hold off on the self defense lessons until the next day. They made a trip to the farmers market, picking up shrimp, lobster, mussels, and red and yellow peppers. They spent the rest of the afternoon in the kitchen, making paella. Stephanie was a little wary that he was starting out her cooking lessons on something so complex, but he made it fun. And it helped that he was teaching her how to make the kind of food that his mother and grandmother taught him to make. It was another thing that they could share, something just between the two of them. It made it all the more special.
When they finally sat down to eat, Stephanie couldn't keep the moans down as she took her first bite of the paella.
"Oh my God," she moaned, swallowing the rice and seafood combination. "I can't believe I had a hand in making this!"
Ranger chuckled. "You did great, Babe. This is better than what my mother makes."
Stephanie blushed at the compliment. "I don't see how, but thank you just the same."
Ranger just shook his head and they ate in companionable silence. After the dishes were washed and put away, Stephanie headed upstairs to take a much deserved bubble bath. Her muscles were screaming and she groaned as she lowered her body into the hot, bubbly water.
As she let the jets do their job, she thought about the day. It had been busy, that was for sure, but she felt great. She felt as if she really accomplished something and that thought made her smile. She could just imagine everybody's reactions when she got back to Trenton and they would see how physically fit she had become. And with her training, she would hopefully be much better at her job. No more bets, no more disappointments, no more garbage. Everything was going to be great.
The water started to turn cool and Stephanie hoisted herself out of the massive tub. She dried off and moisturized every inch of her skin until she smelled like vanilla and lavender. Towel drying her hair, she pulled it into a ponytail before pulling on her bathrobe. She was heading out of the bathroom when she heard the slight rustle of paper in her pocket. Reaching her hand in, she drew out the paper and stared at it for a second. A tiny smile graced her lips when she saw the word "Babe" written on the front. Opening it, her eyes misted as she read the note.
Proud of you, Babe. You never disappoint.
Special thanks to Alfonsina del Mar for co-writing this chapter. I couldn't do it without your help. And thanks to everybody else for all the great reviews. I hope you like this latest chapter. Please let me know.