I would like to thank everyone who has reviewed or added this story as a favorite. It's very encouraging! Also I'd like to thank fantasychica37 for the helpful reviews and PMs! Please read fantasychica37's story "Fëanáro's Epic Fail: Loopholes", which I think does an excellent job of pointing out the flaws in Fëanor's oath. You can find it in my favorites. :)

Chapter 9 / Of the Flight of the Nolder / This is Actually Pretty Fucking Depressing / I'm Sad

Yavanna stood before the dead trees while people were being sad, and she said, "Fëanor was pretty smart to put the light of the Two Trees in the Silmarils. If he would just not be a douche just this once, and share just a teensy bit of the light, I could totally undo all this shit."

Manwë said, "You hear that, Fëanor? Don't be a jerk and cough up the Silmarils."

Fëanor was silent, which made Tulkas angry. He said, "Speak up, Elf."

Aulë responded, "Dude, leave him alone. This is a very great thing to ask of this special snowflake. Wait."

Fëanor cried. He said, "I can't do it. If I have to break open my precious stones I will be very sad indeed. I might even be killed, the first of the Eldar in Aman. "

To which Mandos responded, "Nope, motherfucker." Because he knew shit that no one else knew.

Then Fëanor recalled that Melkor had told him that the Valar were thieves, and he said, "If you try to take my rocks, I will know you are just like Melkor."

Mandos said, "Well fine. Shit." And Nienna went onto the green hill where the Two Trees were and she cried. Lots of crying happened.

Then the Noldor from Formenos showed up with bad news. Melkor went to Formenos and killed Finwë King of the Noldor, and he stole the Silmarils.

Fëanor was outraged and also super sad. He did lots of cursing, and he gave Melkor a new name, Morgoth, which means blackness or Black Foe of the World or something. And he also cursed Manwë since he hadn't been home to protect his father, and it was Manwë's little kiss-and-make-up party that caused his absence from home.

Fëanor ran home. It says right here that he wasn't a total jerk because he did love his father more than anything else, including his stones. Aw.

Morgoth (we're calling him Morgoth now, m'kay?) and Ungoliant ran far, far away. Morgoth tried to outrun Ungoliant because he didn't want to keep his promise to her, but she figured this was the case and said, "Hold up. I did what you wanted. I am so hungry."

And Morgoth said, "Lady. Giant, creepy-ass spider lady. You should really, really go on a diet. You can't eat the whole world."

"No," said Ungoliant. "But I can eat your treasure." And she ate all of his gems except for the Silmarils, which he held close.

"Gimme." Ungoliant said.

"No," said Melkor. Fuck I mean Morgoth.

Here's a free tip from me: Don't do anything to piss off a giant, creepy spider that has super powers, okay?

She caught Morgoth in one of her super-powered webs and he screamed the worst scream ever. It was such a horrible scream that the region they were in was named Lammoth, which I'm guessing means Really Horrific Scream.

Luckily for Morgoth his Balrogs showed up with their flaming whips, and they drove Ungoliant away. So she ran away to some place and had lots of spider babies. She enjoyed eating so much that some say she ate herself long ago, but no one knows how she actually died or if she even died. Maybe she's still around. Dear reader, be sure to recall this late at night.

Back in Valinor, everyone was busy being sad. Metaphorical and literal darkness is so depressing. And then Fëanor showed up, being all fiery and stuff! His banishment wasn't technically lifted yet, but I don't know why since his brother did forgive him, which was the fucking condition for banishment to be lifted. I must have missed something. Anyway, he openly rebelled against the Valar and spoke to a bunch of the Noldor. He was very convincing with his silver, flaming tongue.

"Guys," he said. "Why the fuck should we serve the Valar? They can't even keep one guy in check. I am so leaving. By the way, I should be king now." And he said a bunch of other stuff.

He also made a terrible oath, which is kind of fucking important, so pay attention. He swore vengeance on any Vala, Demon, Elf, or Man, etcetera, who would keep a Silmaril from him. His seven sons also took this vow. Big mistake. This entire vow was a very stupid idea, for reasons. Also, the Valar don't technically recognize Morgoth as a Vala. Just so you know.

Some of the Noldor, like Fingolfin, were like, "Fuck no." Finarfin told everyone to calm down. Some chick named Galadriel didn't swear any oaths, but she wanted to leave and see Middle-earth, and maybe rule her own realm. Other people felt the same.

Anyway, people left. Fëanor led them, urging them to hurry and to not stop and think because thinking is too rational. The Valar didn't do anything to stop them. I guess their feelings were hurt since Fëanor accused them of holding the Elves as prisoners.

The Noldor left, even the ones that weren't too keen on going because they didn't want to be left behind. They were pretty divided in how they felt about all this, and not all of them wanted Fëanor as king, preferring his brothers. They still left anyway, and they had a pretty big host. Fëanor thought to himself, "Oh fuck. We're going to need some ships to cross the sea if we're going to do this." So he decided to try convincing the Teleri to join them and give them some ships, and he hopped over to Alqualondë.

The Teleri didn't give care. Well, they cared enough to try to convince the Noldor not to go. Fëanor got mad and said, "You aren't my friends anymore. Give us your ships. We are the reason you even came here."

And Olwë King of the Teleri said, "Not so fast, motherfucker. We built those ships ourselves. And I'm still your friend! I'm trying to stop you from making a stupid mistake, dude."

But then they definitely weren't friends, because the Noldor tried to steal the ships. The Teleri attempted to stop them. Huge mistake. The first Kinslaying happened, and many died on both sides. The Noldor got away with the ships, and Uinen, mourning the Teleri mariners, wrecked and drowned some of the ships, but the Valar did not interfere with the Noldor because reasons. Lame reasons, but still reasons.

After the Noldor escaped, a dark figure, who was probably Mandos, came to them. And he spoke a terrible prophecy, which is called the Doom of the Noldor. It said bad things would happen to the Noldor, like crying. Lots of crying.

Fëanor responded, "We don't care if bad things will happen. We took an oath."

But Finarfin, filled with grief, returned to Valinor with his people. He was pardoned. Smart guy. He ruled over the rest of the Noldor that were in Valinor, but his sons weren't with him since they felt so close to the sons of Fingolfin, and Fingolfin's folk didn't turn back, especially since some of them had done some mean kinslayin'.

So the remaining Noldor came to a barren wasteland called Araman, and they realized it would really suck to cross the grinding ice strait called Helcaraxë, and they also didn't have enough ships. Fingolfin's people were pretty pissed at Fëanor, and Fëanor responded by stealing the remaining ships and sailing away. When they landed Maedhros, Fëanor's eldest son, asked who should sail back to bring Fingolfin's people.

Fëanor chuckled. "Fucking no one. Let the ships burn, like my flame-y spirit!" And he set the white ships of the Teleri on fire.

You can bet Fingolfin regretted all those times he was super nice to Fëanor, despite the fact that he pointed a sword at him and was always a douche whenever Fingolfin openly forgave him. So Fingolfin, Fingon, and Galadriel led the people across the grinding ice. Many of the Elves died, but when they made it across they blew their trumpets at the first rising of the Moon.

The trumpets said, "Fuck you guys."