Chapter 9

"Sage!"

I paused mid-step, leaving the door to my room open as I craned my head to see who'd called to me. After having my talk with Banks, I'd gone down to the Cage and reluctantly informed them of my job reassignment. Surprisingly, most of them had been happy for me. Even Marko, who I suspected had only complained because it was what everyone expected of him, had obviously appeared relieved.

"Dan?" I asked, shocked to see him so soon; he'd hidden from me before, and I'd assumed it would've taken longer for him to cool off and come talk to me.

"Hey," he said as he jogged up and leaned against my doorframe. "So, Banks had a talk with you?"

I frowned a little; there was a different sort of tone in Dan's voice. I looked at him, and though is posture and voice seemed nonchalant, I could sense that he was wound up. Could it be that he was still upset about the train incident?

"Yeah," I said; drawing the word out slowly. I stepped back and continued into my room, throwing the manila packet onto my bed. "How did you know?"

"I heard what Marko said to you," he confessed. "Then I saw you walk out of that office Banks always uses."

"So you were following me?" I asked. "Again?"

"Yeah," he admitted with an offhanded shrug. "I was curious."

"Well it was nothing important," I hedged. Something was terribly wrong, it was like the calm before the storm.

"Oh?" Dan mused, picking at his nails as he spoke. "So what did he want then?"

I sighed, and then nodded my head in the direction of my bed where the little package sat untouched.

"I've been reassigned," I frowned.

"Uh-huh, where to?"

I froze; that cadence in his voice was foreign. Dan, my best-friend, he was trying to lie to me. Why? What could ever possess him to want to do that? He was the most honest person I knew, and not just because he'd been raised in candor, but because that's how he liked to be; it was in his nature.

"Not sure," I said slowly, waiting for any sign that would tell me I was wrong. He couldn't be lying; there was no reason to, not with me.

"Well then, I suggest you check that out immediately Sage," he said in clipped words; his attempts to hide his deceit were failing, and I could see his composure breaking. His body was practically vibrating with restrained anger. "You better read it soon too, you wouldn't want to be a bad instructor to this year's initiates now would you?"

"What?" I stammered, my face going blank.

"I mean, that wouldn't be fair to them at all, and think of how it would look on your records. You wouldn't want to jeopardize theirs and your future now would you?"

I spun on my heel and ripped the flap off of the large envelope, horror making my heart beat frantically. Like a maniac, I began leafing through page after page of the manual titled; Initiate Addendum/Syllabus. My eyes flashed up, and I saw Dan's all-too-perceptive gaze resting on me.

"You knew?" I asked, my voice sounding clearly betrayed.

So he had been the one to tell Banks. He'd run and told on me as if I were some irresponsible child that needed reprimanding. I was so confused. I slumped onto my bed and gaped; from the pages in my hand to Dan's hardened features. He knew this was the last job on earth I wanted.

"That's right fucker," he growled, clenching his fists. "Kind of puts a damper on your plans, huh?"

"You told Banks about last night? Why would you narc me out like that!" I exclaimed, throwing the stack of papers at the wall opposite my bed; they hit with a flurry, landing all over my floor and surrounding furniture. "You know I never wanted the responsibility of having to take care of anyone else. Why would you do this to me? I thought you were my friend."

My accusation wasn't taken well at all. Impossibly out of character; Dan was on me in a flash. His hands wrapped around the collar of my shirt and he was suddenly shaking me.

"I am your friend you idiot!" he yelled, and again very much unlike him, he shoved me back and onto the ground in frustration. "No, I'm more than that, I'm your brother. But this isn't about me. Not now. So don't you even try turning this conversation around."

I lay in stunned silence as he curled his hands into fists. He didn't hit me; though I could tell he wanted nothing more than to beat some sense into me. Instead he ran a hand through his hair and then in a fit of fury, he bent down to my level and began to toss rumpled pieces of paper at me.

"I can't believe it had to come to this; me, asking Banks for help. I never could've guessed how depressed you were about Randi, but last night cleared everything up. How long were those thoughts going through your head, huh? How long? Didn't you think of how your death would affect me, your mom, Mara, your friends, anyone? Were you only thinking of yourself? People depend on you in ways you don't even know."

But I did know; I knew just how their lives were balanced on just what I did or didn't do. It was that pressure that had been slowly invading my every thought. I couldn't tell Dan that truth though. I stayed silent, trying to think of a way to appease him. He read me before I could even open my mouth.

"Trying to think of a lie?" He accused. "Is that what I see in that dense head of yours? Yeah, don't look so surprised, I've always known when you tried to deceive me. You might fool the others, but not me. I know you too well," his voiced cracked, and then he was up and looming over me. "We made a promise, remember? We said we'd always be honest with each other."

I sat up and held my hands out. "I'm sorry Dan, I–"

"No, you shut the hell up," He cut in, his voice terribly, terribly even. I was worried; because Dan stopped sounding angry when he was actually at his worst.

I closed my mouth and watched as his face flushed red with pent up fury.

"You're going to listen to me, and you're going to listen good. I don't know what happened with you and Randi, but I'm beginning to suspect that her death wasn't just some accident. It kills me to think that you don't trust me, and I can only hope that you'll eventually come to your senses. But hear me, so long as I'm alive, I'm not going to let you do anything stupid to yourself again," he said the last part firmly, and I could see the steely resolve in his eyes. "You know where to find me if you want to talk."

Then, just as he'd come, he was gone. I stared at the open doorway where he'd leaned and attempted to appear calm, it felt like years had passed when really our argument had probably lasted only a few minutes.

All at once, I leapt to my feet and slammed my door closed. Then, I proceeded to yell. The noise ripped out of my throat; wild and animalistic, raw and agonized. This wasn't what I wanted. I'd never meant to hurt Dan or my family that way.

I grabbed a handful of the papers and crumpled them, tossing them this way and that. No, I couldn't do it. I didn't want the lives of more innocents in my hands. Why had Dan done that to me? Didn't he realize that I'd just serve to ruin the lives of other people? Without realizing it, I was already up and sprinting down the hallway. Then when I spotted Dan, I didn't slow down.

Blind with anger, I shoved him into one of the walls. He was quick though; speed had always been what tilted the scales in his favor. He whipped around and grabbed ahold of my arm, using my own momentum to throw me against the floor. I jumped back onto my feet, ready to strike, but when I saw the look on his face I felt all the fight leech out of me.

I'd only seen that look once; on the day of my own mother's funeral. The raw and completely unguarded expression he held spoke of loss and sorrow, and it pained me worse than any injury I'd ever sustained to know that I'd put it there.

"I'm not going to fight you Sage," he said in a voice he struggled to control. "If you're angry, then good, let it out, but just know that I won't hurt you. What I did, I did because I care, not as some sort of payback."

"I know that, it's just…" I trailed off, how could I tell him? How?

"This is crazy Sage. Remember what Randi used to say to you?" He insisted; looking apologetic when he saw me flinch at the sound of her name. "She said; don't get yourself killed."

"I don't want to remember," I said softly. "What I did on the train, I wasn't trying to really kill myself. I just wanted to feel free. I wanted to do dangerous things… I wanted to forget it all."

"What are you saying?" Dan asked, looking ridiculously more horrified than he had before.

"I'm not saying anything," I backtracked; realizing just the implications my words might give.

"Really?" He said with a note of hard irony in his voice. "Because it sounds like you are."

"No," I snapped, but as soon as the words were out I felt something shift inside of me.

I was done. The lies were eating me up inside, intoxicating my body with their darkness, and though I worried about the position I'd be putting Dan in, I knew I had to tell him. Someone had to know the truth, and I trusted him.

Dan must've seen the change in me, because his face immediately softened. He took a step towards me and then raised an eyebrow as if to say, now what? I nodded my head for him to follow me, and then I walked until I reached the only place I knew Banks would never go; the roof. Though he'd never admit it, and probably no one would believe me if I told them, I'd eventually figured out that heights were one of Banks' fears.

Once we'd checked and made sure that the roof was empty, I took the folding chair I kept up there and wedged it under the doorknob. What I was about to tell Dan was life threatening information, and I didn't want anyone to walk in on us. I'd learned, and I'd never again reveal anything if I wasn't sure that there weren't prying ears around.

As I sat on the ledge, my legs dangling above the ruins of our city, I began to speak. No filter, no white lies or bent truths, just the pure unadulterated story of how my life had changed the day of our aptitude tests. I told him about the simulations, about Randi's death, what Banks had done and still did to me, everything up do just a few hours ago. Dan was quiet throughout the whole tale, and it was only when I'd finished that he finally spoke.

"You loved her, didn't you?" Dan asked softly, nudging my shoulder when I didn't answer right away.

"What does it even matter," I croaked, avoiding his eyes. "Who gives a shit? She's dead. That's the present, and that's what matters now. Not how I feel, or what I think, that's all garbage in the big picture."

The weight of it all was insurmountable. I felt my body literally wilt as I let everything fall onto me. Tears came, but I didn't bother to wipe them away. I felt no embarrassment, just a raw pain that burned at the edges of my heart. We didn't speak for what seemed like an eternity after my outburst.

"Well you know what Sage," Dan said; breaking the silence with his gentle tone. "Everyone and everything dies eventually. It's an indisputable truth. No matter who you are, where you came from, how much money or power you have; none of it can change the fact that our days are numbered. Nothing lasts."

He let out a sigh, staring out at the sun that was beginning to rise, and I couldn't help but feel surprised at the profoundness of his words.

"Randi was important to you, and I get that, really I do. But wallowing around like this isn't what she'd want for you. You have to move past all that crap that's stuck in your head and go forward in life. Her death, it wasn't your fault. Banks would've killed her or anyone else just to prove his point. You are not in charge of his actions, only your own. You did the right thing telling her, and now you have to do the right thing and get out of this rut your in."

"How can I do that? He has you and my family threatened. And even if I did want to move on, I don't think I could allow myself to do that. I don't want to forget her."

"I can take care of myself, and now that I know what's going on I could even try and help you find a way out of all of this. As for not forgetting Randi, well, that's what memories are for; so that things that are gone can still matter. That's how you keep her spirit alive," Dan said firmly. "You have to learn to build off of your past so that you can make a better present and future."

Again, I was struck by the deepness of his train of thought.

"You know, your all-seeing wisdom is pretty annoying sometimes," I said with a broken laugh. I brushed away the tears and actually turned to look at him. "Tell me then, oh-wise-one, what does the future hold?"

He chuckled and shrugged as he tossed a nearby pebble over the side of the building, we watched in in silence until it was gone from view.

"Well, that's the tricky part. I suppose the future is hope," he said as he closed his eyes, grinning into the sky as the sun warmed his face.

"Or more deaths and fear," I countered.

"No," he shook his head. "Hope, definitely hope."

Again, we lapsed into silence, and all I could hear was the wind that whipped around us. This was a different wind than the one I'd experienced on the train. It was calm, and in it I could smell the promise of a new day, a new start, a new life.

"I'm sorry," I whispered. "I should've told you everything sooner, I should've been honest."

I'd never meant to let all these lies twist me into the person I was now. I didn't want to be the kind of man who sought to take the easy way out when things got rough. I'd never meant to hurt Dan or anyone else with my actions. I had assumed the damage, since it was self-inflicted, had been limited to just me, and only me; I'd had no idea of the backlash my friends had taken having to watch as I destroyed myself.

Dan closed his eyes for a moment, thoughtful, and then he opened them and I could see they were alight with his familiar lightness and cheer.

"I forgive you," he answered. And just like that, I could feel the invisible weight on my shoulders ease; not completely, but enough so that I could take a deep breath without wincing. I felt lighter than I had in days.

"Thank you," I smiled; completely marveled at the magic these three simple phrases had on my inner peace.

The sun continued to rise, casting pink-blue hues on the underside of the clouds, and I felt myself relax as I pulled in another deep and cleansing breath.

"So, divergent huh?" Dan chuckled to himself as he leaned back and craned his head up to get more sunlight. "Not sure why I didn't suspect it before, it makes total sense actually."

"Really?" I said, unable to hide my surprise. "How so?"

"Hah, how so?" he repeated with a snort. "You're a total stiff, and even though you try to lie, you still suck at it, and of course there's no doubt that you're brave," he paused and I saw his brow furrow the slightest bit. "Not gonna' lie though, I do feel slightly conflicted."

"About what?" I asked, unable to hide the worry in my tone; had he changed his mind?

"About your little buddy Banks, ugh, I mean I feel so torn. On the one hand I hate his guts and wouldn't mind if he tripped and had a little accident in the chasm, but on the other I can't help but feel grateful. I mean, he singlehandedly got you to stop drinking and fighting in the Cage when none of us ever could."

"I didn't exactly do it willingly," I reminded him.

"Yeah, but still, he sort of got you on the right path," Dan insisted. "And even though I know you aren't exactly excited about training this year's initiates, I have a feeling it could really help you get over this rut you're in."

"I doubt it," I said, but then held my hands up when Dan made like he was going to punch me.

"No more pessimism, I won't have it," he said. "You have to see the bright side, like you used to, you have to have faith."

Faith. Just a few hours ago that word would've never appeared in my vocabulary, now though, I couldn't help but feel like it was just the right thing to believe in. This was the day, with my best-best friend at my side and the truth out and in the open, when it would all begin. Everything would start here, today.

I wouldn't think of the misery, but of the hope that remained.