A/N: And here we go again after another not-so-cliffhanger! Since time's been keeping me away from actually re-studying the facts of the game (which I've beaten more than a dozen times, so don't worry too much), the Abridged Card is going to see a lot more use from now on. Anyway, as always, review and enjoy!

Disclaimer: All characters belong to Nintendo, except for maybe Zelda. She belongs to me. ME

… Actually, no. She belongs to Nintendo too. *sigh*

Chapter 11: Ang(st)er Management

Day 1, Afternoon, Woods of Mystery

"O-Ow!"

I-It can't be… I thought I had… you… n-no…

"Link, what the hell are you staring at?! Why don't you help?" Tatl said, floating around Link's face.

"Tatl, do you have any idea who that is?!" Link replied, pointing at the fallen person.

"Nope."

"That's Koume, the evil witch!" Link said, and, right on cue, Koume lifted her head weakly. Her gray-ish skin now appearing, Tatl looked startled after taking in the old hag's figures. Long-nosed, wide-eyed and very, very short, with white hair springing upward from her head, Koume did look like a witch – but not the kind that would make the Hero of Time act so jumpy. No, Koume was but one half of the mighty spellcaster Twinrova. Her twin sister, Kotake, was the other half. Each of them fought Link in the past, Koume with her fire magic and Kotake with her icy spells, and, when cornered, fused together into Twinrova, which proved to be a challenge and a half for our very own Link back in his heroic days.

Of course, now, she was lying down in the middle of the woods, and Link's just recovered from being trapped in a Deku body for three straight days, so, y'know.

"Who are you calling 'witch', you rascal?! Show your elders some respect!" She answered.

"Didn't I banish you and your stupid oldbag of a sister to the Hell you should've never come back from?!" Link demanded, eyes narrowed.

"… Who are you?!" Koume said.

What Link didn't know was that none of that description I just gave you above mattered. Link was in Termina after all. So THIS Koume was but an alternate-dimension one. Which, as a matter of fact, had no contact whatsoever with Link… aside from this one.

"What do you mean 'who I am' you crazy bitch?! Have you forgotten the nuisance you two were to me?!"

"L-Link! That's no way to talk to an…" Tatl trailed off, unsure if she should butt in like that when two old, bitter enemies were facing off.

"Bah! I don't know what you're talking about! An old, helpless lady like myself in need of help and all I get is a noisy brat like you! Why back in the day, when t—"

"You know what?! I should've pierced your pretty little diamond the moment I saw you," Link said, using his sword to point the small red accessory on the middle of her hair, "But I'll just leave you to rot in here!"

Link finished speaking, kicked the lady on her side and left the woods steaming.

Day 1, Afternoon, Southern Swamp

"Fuck this!" Link said, kicking the grass to let some steam out.

"Link!" Tatl came to him from the woods, "What the hell got into you?!"

"I never agreed to this! I don't want to put up with this kind of stuff!" Link screamed, madly waving his arms around, "I was just supposed to get my horse back and suddenly TEMPLES! CURSES! WITCHES! What's next?! King Dodongo?! Dead Hand?! Volvagia?! Have them bring Ganon back too, just don't forget I'm not a fucking grown-up anym—"

A bump in the head and Link stopped talking.

"Look," Tatl started, taking a deep breath, "Link, no one's actually asking any of this from you. You don't even know if she's really this Koume or n—"

"Do you honestly think I'd forget her face?!" he cut in.

"I dunno, you're the kind of guy who thinks poison is bad against grass in Pokémon… And besides," she said before he could object, "Have you forgotten? We're in Termina. The only ones who know who 'Link' is are me, Tael, the Skull Kid and the salesman. This is an alternate dimension."

"I know, but…"

"You must have suffered a lot from having your childhood and adulthood mixed up like that, and I understand your traumas, but you are the Hero of Time and your goddamn fate is to save this world from total destruction, like it or not!"

Tatl and Link spent a few moments staring at each other, but those moments felt like centuries to them. The wind blew east, and through his fluttering hair, Link saw the fairy that had been such an asshole to him ever since he first met her; she helped the Skull Kid steal his horse, prevented him from chasing after said kid and only partnered up with him because she got locked out as well. She knocked him in his Deku head several times when he was cursed, bossed him around and more than often had a good laugh at his misfortunes. Not satisfied, she also lied to him twice and hid things from him constantly. Yet, here she was, having the nerve to tell him what to do and talk about his past like this.

But, for whatever reason, no matter how angry he got at her, he always resigned himself to be with her. Something bound him to stick with this nuisance of a fairy. Was it because she had first-hand information on the Skull Kid, Epona and Termina? Or was it something more?

Was it because of… her?

Navi…

He never realized it, but Tatl was just like Navi – if not a tad dirtier and meaner – always twinkling at every little thing, "hey"-ing him to check stuff around him, keeping him from slacking off.

Maybe it's a fairy thing to be so goddamn annoying and impossible to get rid of…

"… I need a drink." Link finally said, breaking the silence and turning his back to Tatl, walking toward the long stairs leading to the cauldron-shaped house up high.

"Uh oh…" Tatl said, tagging along, but feeling a little lighter after realizing her words had, at the very least, dissipated his anger and transformed it into mild annoyance as always.

After all, she had to look out for him.

Day 1, Near sunset, Magic Potion Shop

The sign on the door read "Magic Potion Shop", so Link already raised his eyebrows in mild surprise, but he barged in anyway, fixing for a Blue Potion.

The inside of the shop was as standard as you'd find; wooden floor, sturdy walls, a couple of strewn boxes and barrels, and the desk at the end of the room. Nobody was to be seen, but Link figured he'd just knock on the desk.

"Yes?" a sweet female voice answered from behind a small door at the back.

"Um, excuse me," Link said, looking at the drinks displayed on the desk, "I'd like a Blue Potion, please."

"Oh, that's unfortunate," the voice answered, "I ran out of mushrooms, you see. I can't make Blue Potions without some…"

"What? But I see one right here…"

"That's just a toy replica for display."

"Oh." Can't I at least have a drink in this hellhole of a dimension…?

"I asked Koume to fetch some at the woods," the voice continued, and the door opened, "But she is taking her sweet time…"

By the time that sentence was finished, Link had already stopped paying attention. His jaw was, metaphorically, on the floor as he stared, dumbstruck, at who exactly was running this "Potion Shop".

Kotake, the other half of Twinrova and Koume's twin sister, was standing behind the desk, a smile on her face, her blue head jewel shining against the light of the setting sun coming through the window.

"Hmm?" Kotake said, "Is something wrong?"

But Link didn't answer. He just stood there, open mouth, heavy stare and uneven breathing.

F-First the woods, n-now…

"ARGH!"

Losing it, Link turned and hastily walked away and out the door, slamming it behind him with unnecessary force.

"W-What is with this young man?!" Kotake asked.

"He's having a bad day", Tatl replied, "By the way, Koume was at the woods…"

"Oh, that rascal! Bet she's procrastinating! I swear, leaving youngsters to do things…"

"Aren't you twins?!"

"W-Why, I…"

"Nevermind, look," Tatl continued, in a hurry, fearing Link might do something stupid, "She's been attacked. She was lying on the floor and asking for help."

"…"

"W-What?"

"…"

"… Um…?" Tatl asked, coming closer, but a loud shriek from the lady made her flinch and fly a mile back in shock.

"S-She is in trouble?! Please, you have to help her! Bring this to her!" Kotake said, gathering a bottle full of Red Potion and handing it over to Tatl.

"T-This is heavy!" She said, doing her best to float out the shop without letting the bottle fall straight on the floor.

Day 1, Sunset, Woods of Mystery

Tatl tried looking for Link anywhere near that portion of the swamp, but didn't find him. Still firmly grasping the bottle, she made to the Woods of Mystery, vowing that she'd go after him as soon as she was done with Koume.

"Alas!" The monkey emerged from above, startling Tatl to the point of almost dropping the Red Potion, "M-My apologies, m'lady! It was not my intention to consternate your being!"

"What are you doing he—nevermind, can you lend me a hand? This is heavy and I have to hand it to the witch!"

"You mean that poor, troubled spellcaster who is unfortunately lying upon her painf—"

"YES!" she yelled impatiently, "Take the bottle with her, I'll be right behind you!"

"…"

"…Yes?"

"… Kindly chase after my being!" The monkey said, dashing off.

"D-Do you always have to... waaaaait!" Tatl screamed, flying after him.

By the time they got to the back of the woods, the sky was almost dark. Koume was still at the same position, moaning loudly, when Tatl and the monkey got to her.

"O-Ow!" She said, maybe a little too forcefully as if calling for attention, but instantly scowled when she lifted her head, "Hey, it's you…!"

"First of all, sorry about my partner's behavior. He's had a bad day," Tatl stated, staring her in the eye to ensure her honesty, then added, "To say the least."

"Hm… You don't seem like a bad person," Koume added.

"I'm a fairy, after all," Tatl joked, receiving a weak laugh from the pained witch. "Now, I have something for you," she said, gesturing towards the monkey, "Monkey?"

"Ah, perhaps you mean this item here?" he said, holding the bottle.

"Of course," Tatl said, doing her best to hold the sarcasm back.

"Very well!" The monkey said, lifting the bottle…

… And drinking it all afterwards. Not a single drop remaining.

All three of them stared at the bottle.

Silence.

Deep silence.

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!" Tatl yelled.

"M-My lady, I do not know why I did this! It most certainly was not within my desire to drink it! I just… drank it! 'Twas automatic, I tell you!" The monkey replied, trembling.

"COULD YOU BE ANY MORE STUPID, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE?!"

"O-Ow…" was all Koume could say.

Day 1, Night, Southern Swamp

Away from all the fiasco at the Woods, and continuing through the string of lilypads from before, Deku Link stood at a dead end in the swamp. The path ultimately led to an open part of the swamp with a waterfall on the back, some logs, more lilypads and a cave at the end… with something on the way.

Link had gotten too close to that cave, distracted by his angry, hazy state. From beneath the poisoned waters, out came a giant, round, purple creature with dark, hollow eyes and a vacuum sucker for a mouth, which promptly trapped Link, who was then tossed away to the nearest log where he now sulked.

It's been a while since I saw a Big Octo. I could finish him off easily if I had some solid ground to stand on, but he's surrounded by poisoned water and cave walls and I can't face him like this without the Deku Mask.

Link was sat at the log, thinking about a way of off-ing the Octo, but realized it was of no use. His only weapons were Deku Nuts (too ridiculous to be even taken in consideration), magic bubbles (which had already proven to be rather ineffective against watery foes) and his spin attack, which would be useless because he couldn't get around the Octo due to the cave walls.

Argh, screw this. I need to jack off anyway. Probably gonna find a corner in those woods and settle myself…

Visibly defeated, Link hopped along the lilypad string and turned for the woods, cutting up some Deku Babas along the way for some sticks and nuts.

Innuendos everywhere…

He barely registered the pond and the Potion Shop, just sluggishly moving towards the Woods of Mystery, his mind in a total blank…

… When something hit his head.

"Ow! What the— Tatl?!" Link said, after realizing who had bumped him in the head (again).

"Link! I'm glad I found you!" Tatl said, visibly exhausted and flustered.

"Nevermind me, what's with the exhaustion and the monkey and the bottle?" He asked, removing his Deku Mask.

"Long story, Link, just come with me please!" she said, then realized the monkey was still there and screamed at him, "GO AWAY! NEVER SHOW YOUR STUPID FACE IN FRONT OF ME AGAIN!"

"I am ever so sorry! Ah, er, f-farewell!" he said, hopping back towards the woods.

"… PMS again?" Link asked, which was promptly replied with a glare from the disgruntled fairy.

"Oh like you're one to talk, angsty elf!"

Choosing to remain quiet for now, Link followed Tatl to the Potion Shop, but chose not to enter for obvious reasons. After a few minutes of waiting, he watched as a very flustered Tatl floated out from the window, holding a very full Red Potion bottle.

"I-It was the monkey! I swear!" she said through the window, but then quickly went to Link's side. "Link, please hold this for me, it's too heavy!" He did as she told and held the bottle. Obviously, to a human it was just a regular bottle, so he just picked it with his left hand and kept on walking.

"Where are you going with this?" he asked.

"The witch needs this to get up and bring mushrooms for the other witch to be able to make Blue Potions so that you drunktards can have your daily shots."

"Well wasn't that a pretty unbiased and harmless explanation," Link grumbled. "All right, I'll bring this to that… witch. But you need to tell me something first."

"What is it?"

"Are we REALLY in an alternate dimension?"

"What kind of a q—"

"Tatl," Link cut her off, staring hard at her, "You have lied to me at least twice by now and you rather enjoy hiding things from me as well. Then, suddenly, I'm faced with Koume and Kotake. I have all the reasons in the world to ask you this."

The yellow fairy took a deep breath. "Link, I'm sorry for lying and all that. But this is really an alternate dimension. I didn't even know that those witches existed, let alone why you got such an allergic reaction out of them… but I can say now with 100% certainty that those witches do not know anything about you."

"Can I trust you on this?"

"Link, please…" she sighed, and the boy couldn't help but see his former partner Navi in her again. And his heart melted like butter inside Death Mountain Crater.

Damn you and that oil tycoon, Navi… "Okay. Let's go."

"L-Link…"

"Hey," he said, a mock scowl on his face, "Don't rush me."

"Okay, I won't rush you, idiot." Tatl replied, smiling.

Day 1, Night, Woods of Mystery

"So, where's that monkey to guide us?" Link said as he stepped into the woods.

"Fuck him," Tatl said, her voice filled with venom, "I've been here enough to know the way myself."

"What happened between you two?"

"Suffice to say he REALLY is a monkey, in flesh and mind," Tatl replied, going through the first tunnel.

"I can only imagine what he did to you… like breathing, or existing."

"I'm not THAT bad."

"Yes y—" Link replied, but, as soon as they got out of another tunnel, he was hit by a Snapper. "OW! Motherfucker!" Am I going to "casually bump" into enemies like this all the time?!

The Snapper just looked at him, backed off a bit and let out a battlecry before retreating into its shell, spikes out, and spinning towards our hero. Link dodged with a jump to the side and saw his foe bang into the wall, but coming off completely unharmed.

We're dealing with Lemmy Koopa here…

Dodging again the Snapper, Link turned to Tatl, who shouted at him. "Link! The belly! Its belly is a weak spot!" she said, but Link was less than impressed.

"The belly is UNDER him!" He yelled, then rolled to his left to dodge the creature again.

"Deku Flower!" she yelled back, floating around a stray Deku Flower conveniently placed in the center of the area they were in.

Oh that can't just be a coincidence. More importantly, how did I miss that?!

Putting his Deku Mask on, Deku Link spinned to avoid the Snapper and stood on the flower, waiting for it to attack again. As soon as the battlecry was, one more time, ringing on his ears, Link burrowed inside the flower and launched himself with all the impulse he could muster in sync with the turtle's belly passing above him.

The damage was such that the Snapper was thrust backwards, lying dead on its back, but Link didn't feel a thing due to the softness of its weak spot.

"Phew," Tatl said, "That was close."

"Not even," Link replied.

"Showoff," Tatl snorted as she made towards another tunnel, Link following suit after removing the Deku Mask.

Maybe I wasn't really THAT angry at her. Fuck, Twinrova really did a number to my mind.

When they reached Koume, Link heard a few curses and abuse from her, but just silently handed her the Red Potion, stoically looking at her.

"You young'uns and your disrespect to old people, values and cultures! Why I should just banish you and that mischievous child to th—"

"Child?" Tatl asked.

"Yes! That brat! Him and his stupid mask…"

"Tell me, was it a straw—" Link started, but the hag cut him off loudly.

"YES! The Skull Kid! You think I'm stupid or something?! I'm not fooled by masks! I just underestimated him and he tripped me up!" Koume said, then continued, "Now, can I have my potion or what?!"

"Jeez, don't break my heart," Link said, but as he made to give it to her, she suddenly got up - on both feet - and grabbed it from him, then sat down.

What the…

"KOUME IS REVIVED!"

The witch's loud wail startled both of our heroes, and after a blinding flash of light, she was sitting on her magic broom, floating in midair.

Could you be any more cliché?! Get some rotten apples and a black cat why don't you!

"You may be an asshole," Koume said, looking down at Link, "But you did save me so I'll offer you a deal. I run the Boat Cruise Tour, so I'll give you a free ride."

Koume runs a boat tour in this dimension, and Kotake a potion shop. Next you'll show me Ganondorf baking cookies for the homeless.

"Thank you, Ms. Koume!" Tatl said.

"Drop the 'Ms.', will you?! You make me sound like I'm the older sister…"

"B-But you are twins…"

As Tatl finished her phrase, Koume was already zooming away.

"… Well, now what?" Link said.

"Now we go have our free ride, it's the least we can do after you being an asshole to her and me having the potion drank in front of her—"

"YOU DRANK THE POTION?!" Link yelled, laughing afterwards.

"No! Not me! The monkey!" Tatl, flustered yet again, replied.

Night kept on enveloping the swamp and everything that came with it, as our heroes finally went for a boat ride to relax, choosing to put all the anger issues aside for a while.

A/N: I hope that the potion-drinking incident doesn't fall on deaf ears, because if so, it means I was a lousy player when I was 9. Also I don't know how well that whole "separate action" thing went, but it was something that fit with Woodfall's theme, so... Abridge'd.