Notes: Thank you all for being so unbelievably patient with me! I know I don't "have" to apologize but I truly want to! Thank you all so much for your support and I hope to continue to hear from you ! I'm going to post updates on how these chapters are coming along on my tumblr ~ You can track them at fic: To Exist or fic: -
Chapter TextTugging the strap of his bag to spin in around in front of him, he zipped open the front pocket and dug out his keys. Unlocking the door, he turned the knob and pushed it open before setting upon his routine. He took off his shoes before stepping inside, picking them up and neatly placing them on the black rubber mat, to the left of his doorway, as he walked in. He closed his door, making sure to twist the knob first for a silent click as he pulled it shut. Hanging up his backpack on the coat hanger fastened to the wall, he rolled his neck and began stripping off his work clothes.
With the soiled clothes in hand, he walked through his small studio to the only other room of his current living space, the bathroom. Tossing the dirty clothing in the hamper he quickly moved to the shower, not wanting to delay scrubbing the accumulated daily grime. Adjusting the temperature as he saw fit, he pulled back the curtain and stepped inside. A loose sigh of relief left his lips as the water hit his skin. He only took pause for a moment. Enjoying the warm water wash over him. Grabbing his sponge, he lathered it with body wash before setting on scrubbing every inch of skin. Next, shampoo, then conditioner, and while he let the conditioner sit for a minute or two, he washed his face. Only after did he then proceed to rinse out his hair, turning off the warm spray of water, stepping out onto the fluffy bath mat and grabbing a towel.
Dry, towel around his waist, he applied lotion to his face, neck, and shoulders then combed his black hair back with his fingers. Not caring to style it just yet in favor of getting something to eat. Like hell he would ever eat the shit they served at the restaurant he was working. It was amazing, the amount of health code violations they skimmed over.
Frying up a fish and egg, he brought a pot to boil for a side of soba noodles. Adding a bit of salt for flavor, and setting aside some dipping sauce for the noodles, he set his plate and moved to sit down in the small eat in kitchen.
He was lucky to have one of the nicer studios, albeit, it still was rather small. Perhaps, barely reaching 400 square feet. But it was enough for him, and it wasn't like he owned too much anyway. The kitchen was just a tiny cut out space in the otherwise square room, a short divide separating it from the living area. His bed, a futon currently folded up into a couch, sat in the corner, and other than the long dresser with a book shelf balanced on top of it, and a small closet he used for storage, there was really not much else. He took pride in the cleanliness he exercised in the apartment. Despite its small size and how easily it could appear messy, he kept it spotless. A hint of the lemon scented cleaner he used lingering, the lack of clutter allowing him to relax completely.
Clearing his plate, he immediately washed his dish and set it aside on the drying rack. He moved over to the closet to throw on a pair of sweat pants and to dig his phone out from his bag. Cotton sweats on, and tapping the phone in his palm with his index, he sat down on the futon with a tired sigh.
The only part of his routine that was missing, was the energetic little enigma known as Eren Jaeger.
It surprised him, even now, how the brat would come to invade his thoughts every now and again.
He couldn't remember how long it had been since he'd last seen the Jaeger's. Not since Eren's mother's death. It had probably been a good couple of years since that time, but every so often the thought of the little brat would itch at him.
Growing up he had been introduced by chance, and often spent a lot of time under Carla's, Eren's mother, care. His living situation had always been less than ideal, and in seeing this, Carla took it upon herself to give him a place to stay when he needed or a hot meal. He spent a lot of his time with Carla and her son. Eren, whom at his age was fairly independent despite being so feeble, demanded most of his attention whenever he visit.
Carla, herself, taught him good values she took pride in, love and care, how to cook and clean. Simple things children often take for granted with their parents. What Levi had once thought of as the norm, from his own parents, quickly clarified in his mind on what a parent should be. In fact, it had mainly been under the influence of Carla that he emancipated himself from his parents. Though during the year long struggle that ensued, he didn't have any time to visit.
Shortly after he received his new found freedom, he learned of Carla's death. He was proud of himself for succeeding, and Carla was much like a mother to him as well. He had been excited to show her the official papers, catch up with her and her son and perhaps even discuss future plans he had been entertaining. He looked forward to spending time with them again. Helping Carla with Eren and the house and chores and seeing how much Eren had grown over his year long absence. He imagined the wide smile on Carla's face as she would excitedly clap her hands together before drawing him into a tight hug, showering with praise over his more promising future.
When he arrived at their home, folder in hand and the beginning of a smirk pulling on his face, it was then, right on the front steps of their home, he was told about Carla. Grisha had been the one to answer the door. The man looked exhausted, haunted even. Before he even spoke the words, his face had fallen knowing something was terribly wrong.
Around that time, Eren couldn't have been more than perhaps six or seven. Levi literally felt his heart drop into his stomach once the words left the man's lips. Thoughts of the happy go lucky child having to deal with something as traumatic as losing his mother at such a young age pained him. He wanted nothing more than to run into the boy's room, and do what, he didn't know, but he wanted to 'something' to comfort him. Perhaps not with words, he was never good with words. Maybe just his presence would be enough? Maybe the brat just needed some additional support to cry it all out, ask questions he wouldn't know how to answer, but he'd be there and that was at least something for the kid.
Whatever the case, he just knew he wanted to see Eren. He wanted to make sure the bright mirthful eyes still shone with some sort of glee. He wanted to make sure that that part of Eren would not disappear along with his mother.
At his request to see the Eren, a manic flash that should have triggered alarm, reflected in Grisha's eyes. At the time, Levi simply chalked it up to grief. Losing one's wife, especially one of whom had bore his child, certainly could throw anyone into despair. Grisha, simply sent him away, telling him Eren was in no state for visitors without further explanation.
Hesitantly, he offered his condolences and apologies, then promised to call ahead of time before his next visit. For every time he called, the call was ignored or he was denied. When he asked about Eren, he would always receive the same response. 'He's fine.'
Days turned to weeks, turned to months, until finally Levi realized Grisha would never tell him to come over. He had never known Grisha very well, so it seemed likely that the man simply didn't want Levi around. After all, it was Carla who tended to him, and her husband was rarely, if ever home despite all the hours he spent in their house. Unfair as it were, there wasn't much else he could do.
Lately, however, he did maul over the idea of visiting Eren's school. Though, honestly when he thought about it, he couldn't help but think how much of a creep he would seem. He wasn't family, he'd be turned away immediately and probably reported to Grisha directly.
How old would he be now? Ten, perhaps? It had been ages since he last attempted a visit. Falling back on the bed, he held his phone within view, twisting it in his hand. Perhaps, just maybe, it had been so long after all. Years, but he couldn't bury that important piece of his life no matter how much he tried, and Eren was the only piece left of it. Tossing his phone on the bed next to him he rolled over, burying his head into his pillow, stretching his arm under it and shutting his eyes.
Tomorrow was his day off. To hell with Grisha, he'd stop by and see the little brat. He just hoped, in the meantime, they hadn't bothered to move. With the thought of how the years treated the little tike, and how big he must have grown by now, Levi eased into a comfortable rest.
Levi stood on the side walk at the edge of the path that led to the old home. The home itself, looked relatively the same. The only major difference were the overgrown weeds, in the once immaculate garden, and the neglected lawn. It seemed it was let go for at least a few weeks. Not too tall as to reach up too high, but tall enough to brush midway up the calf. He also noticed how the windows looked a bit dingy, fogged slightly from the dust accumulated on them. He could only imagine the interior with a frown.
Carla always took pride in how orderly her home was, especially with having a little guy of her own terrorizing the place. It stung, reminding him, really nailing it in, that she, indeed, was gone. Even after all these years, the wound was still just as fresh. Lingering memories of her favorite scented cleaners and detergents, products he religiously used himself, even to the present.
Shoving the thoughts from his mind, he tried to steel himself. There was no sense in dwelling about it now. It was an event come to pass and he would just have to move forward, as he hoped, Eren and Grisha had as well.
Walking up the path, he climbed the couple stairs to the door and knocked. He didn't hear anything from within, but it was strange. The car was in the driveway, and it was a Saturday afternoon. He highly doubted they wouldn't be awake by now, and Eren was what? Ten? A ten year old would be raging havoc with a constant pitter patter of frenzied feet, playing about.
He tried knocking once more, feeling a bit unnerved at the prevailing silence on the other side of the door. Maybe they left? Maybe the car was left behind. The prospect frightened him more than he imagined it would. The last remnant of Carla and Eren seeming to slip through his fingers, even more, he felt the near desperate need to see the little brat.
Perhaps, they were in the back yard?
Levi walked around the home, praying the neighbors wouldn't find it too suspicious to see a teen his age stalking around. When he looked over the short fence, not finding a trace of toys or any sign of life, his frown deepened, pulling at his brow. It was odd. He at least expected to see a ball or bike or something, but perhaps Eren wasn't an outdoorsy kind of kid?
His tongue peaked through his lips and as he drew it back into his mouth he pulled his bottom lip between his teeth, biting it in a moment of contemplation before swiping his thumb and index over the corner of his mouth.
If the neighbors had seen him and hadn't thought anything strange of him before, they certainly would now. A bit flustered at what he was doing, he peered through the windows, at a reasonable height, one by one. Each window displayed the home devoid of any life, but more disturbing, was the tell-tale signs that it was still lived in.
He wanted to believe that maybe Eren became much more passive in his years. Perhaps he calmed down and even at ten, maybe he matured beyond his years. Maybe, there were a lot of maybes, but those maybes itched at him as more likely than not, rather as excuses. Something remained knotted in his stomach, twisted and foreboding. Humans may, arguably, not have true instincts, but Levi knew to trust his gut.
He cursed under his breath and prayed that he wasn't over reacting, prayed that he was over reacting. Completely in conflict with what he should be feeling at the moment, he cursed again and hopped the fence into the back yard. At worst, he would get caught and reprimanded, everything would be an embarrassing misunderstanding, and he would end up with a mess of apologies trying to convince Grisha that he had good intentions.
Checking the back door to find it locked, he clicked his tongue before looking around the yard again. He felt absolutely ridiculous, this was complete and under bull shit. What the fuck was he doing?
His eyes trailed to the hatch like doors that led to the basement. The doors were merely held by a latch, a small rusted lock in place. He wandered closer, picking the lock up in his hands and sighed. Rusted as it was, he'd have to take a shovel to it to get in.
He remembered Carla mentioning her husband often working at home in the basement when he was home, and he couldn't help but wonder if maybe he still had the same habit? With one final effort, he located the nearest window that lay pinched between the cinder block of the house's foundation.
With the caked on dirt and dust and heaven or hell knows what, it made it damn near impossible to see through. Using his hand, hovering above his eyes like a hood to block the sunlight, he laid on his stomach and got closer, nearly pressing to the glass in an attempt to see through. His vision was spotty at best. It was fairly dark, and more than likely safe to presume that no one would be downstairs with the lights off.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"
He froze at the stern voice, slowly turning toward the back door where, lo and behold, Grisha stood. Apparently, his assumption of the man not sleeping in was off by a mile. Levi stood, dusting himself off, taking in the sight of the man as he spoke an apology and tried to explain himself. The tall brunette had obviously had it rough since he last saw him. Grisha had always been rather lanky, but now it was alarming how thin he became and how sharp his cheekbones now were.
"I knocked earlier and no one answered. I was worried you two may have moved."
It wasn't the whole truth, but it wasn't a lie either.
"Two?"
Levi's brow furrowed, that sinking feeling returning with vengeance, "Yes… You and Eren. Where is he anyway? May I see him?"
Grisha's expression darkened as he nodded his head, "Right, Eren."
The way Eren's name rolled off his tongue only escalated the tense pressure squeezing inside his gut. It was bitter, strained, and resentful, nothing about the way the syllables rolled off his tongue sounded like a father speaking of his son. He was becoming more and more uncomfortable. Everything was screaming at him that something was off, each detail since he arrived in front of this house, a red flag to tip him off.
"He's not home."
"He's not home," Levi questioned back, and followed up with another question of his own, "When will he be back."
"You don't need to concern yourself with him."
Levi pointed a glare to match the hollow gaze directed at his own.
"With all due respect, Sir. I feel I should."
"Respect or not you're trespassing on my property."
"I understand, and I'll leave… as soon as I see Eren."
The noticeable flinch at the name was impossible to miss. Nor was the growing aggravation on the man's features and the square of his shoulders.
"He's not home. He's staying at a friend's."
"I'll come back later."
"He won't be home tonight."
"I'll come back tomorrow."
"He won't be here to see you, Levi. I'm asking nicely for the last time, leave or I'll be forced to call the police."
He wasn't getting anywhere with this, and knew, by the stubborn stance and solid stare, he wouldn't get anywhere in this argument either. He chewed on the side of his tongue to keep from throwing an insult. Instead, he nodded his head, shoving his hands in his pockets as he walked over to the threshold of the fence to leave.
Now more than ever, he knew to trust his initial feeling. Something was up, something had to be wrong, and he wouldn't let this go until he find out just what that something was. He felt Grisha's eyes boring into his back, even after he disappeared from view. He'd have to come back another time, when Grisha wasn't home. He couldn't chance getting caught again. If he were, he'd probably end up in a jail cell over night and a restraining order tagged to his forehead by morning.
Levi knew Carla's husband was a private practice doctor. With that much knowledge, it would be a simple call to his office to request his availability for an 'appointment'. From there he could, knowing his work schedule, pry a bit deeper into the mystery shrouding the home.
With his mind made up, and plan decided upon, Levi refused to give any further reflection on the consequences or stupidity of his decision and future actions.
Levi waited until he watched Grisha physically leave for the day, along with a 15 minute buffer, before he even thought about moving into view. Walking up to the house, he glanced about and pulled the paper clip from his pocket, quickly straightening it out. Reaching the knob, he wasted no time in picking the lock as effectively as possible.
This little trick was certainly a skill he wouldn't say he was necessarily proud of, but it came in handy more times than he could count. Especially when he had still been living with his parents. It wasn't a rarity to lock him out of the home after he spent too much time away with Eren and his mother.
With a click and turn of the knob, he made his way in and quietly shut the door behind him, unaware of the curtain next door snapping shut across the street of the neighbors window.
The home was in worse shape than he thought. The familiar smell of cleaner replaced by the stale air and dust. The living room in particular was a mess of empty spirits bottles and glasses, papers scattered about on the coffee table. Stepping through each room on the first floor, his stomach dropped at how familiar yet unfamiliar everything was at the same time.
How his memories that once were so vivid of a bright home with radiant smiles and comforting warmth now exuded nothing but a dull and empty chill. Photos that once decorated the wall, end tables and shelves, were either missing altogether or overturned. Carla had always kept photos of her family in each room, especially of her son. Levi could understand it being painful to have photos of the deceased mother and wife about, but why were Eren's taken down as well?
That lingering sense of dread washed over him as he made his way up the stairs to where he knew Eren's room was kept. Each creak of the steps beneath him drowned by his heartbeat, growing louder to reverberate through his chest to his ears. The hallway was empty, the doors were all shut. It didn't take long to go down the short narrow hallway to stand in front of Eren's bedroom door.
Would Grisha really leave a ten year old boy home alone to his own devices? He had to remind himself, if he didn't see any sign of Eren, Grisha could had very well been telling the truth when he said the kid was staying at a friend's place.
Finger twitching outward to grip the knob, he turned and pressed the door in slowly. He didn't realize he closed his eyes until he felt the door stop against the hinges. Questions rose in his mind, again, about how outrageously this situation really was. He was breaking and entering, into a home, because he didn't 'feel' right.
Releasing a tense sigh, he stepped into the room and opened his eyes. The dim lit room looked to be a mess, as would be expected of a brat his age, but it was too difficult to see. The only window in the room, covered with a heavy drape which blocked the majority of the light from illuminating the room.
Fumbling his hand against the right wall, next to the doorway, he felt for the switch and flicked it up. As soon as the light flicked on, he realized, his actions might very well be justified. Without proper lighting the room just appeared sloppy, but the tale told when the lights revealed the utter chaos and disarray told differently.
Blankets and pillows, which he remembered to be so meticulously made every morning lay scattered on the floor. Blanket a twisted mess stretched across the room, next to it shards of the shattered lamp that once sat on the short dresser. The painted surface, he distinctly remembered, once had a cowboy motif
Illustrated upon it, now broken in chunks of glass. Toys and pictures, broken pieces of glass and plastic strewn about, it look like a bad movie scene after a struggle.
His heart beat was quickly drowned out by the sound of his voice, sharp and piercing through the silent home, "Eren?"
With another shout of his name, he rushed through the hallway, checking every room. Just what the hell happened?
"Eren?!"
Every empty room further served to fuel the rising panic. It was after checking the last room, he thought over where he could possibly be. He check every room in the home, everything except…. something clicked in his mind. Grisha had snapped at him yesterday when he was staring through the basement window. In the basement, was he there?
He took the steps downstairs in a rush, two and three steps at a time, holding the rail to prevent himself from falling down head first. He pivoted with his foot and used his arm on the end of the rail to spin him around the last step and propel him forward to the kitchen. The door to the basement, his feet subconsciously led him to it.
He tried to rip it open, but found the door to be locked. Fishing around for his paper clip, he fumbled and cursed, "Eren?! Eren are you down there?"
He prayed he was wrong, he prayed and prayed over and over. This was just a bad nightmare. Eren was really home, safe sound, comfortable as his father read him a story, tucking him into sleep. This was just a silly night terror he would wake up from.
"Fuck. Please tell me I'm wrong," with a growl of aggravation, he dropped the clip. The adrenaline packed in his veins, he reeled his foot back and slammed it into the door in frustration, before retrieving the clip. His second attempt a success, he tore open the door.
As the door swung open, the backlight behind him draping over each step and receding into pitch black darkness, the buildup, all the momentum he had left fueling him, burned dry. The possible reality bleed the warm blood from his veins and suffocated the air in his lungs. The musty scent, damp and faint remnants of mold swept him like a cold draft.
His limbs suddenly felt like lead. The idea that Eren was down here, he realized, he didn't want to face it. He didn't want to acknowledge it as a possibility. Even as he caught his breath and stepped forward, he convinced himself this was just a bad nightmare. Once again, he told himself the room upstairs was in order, clean, a happy, healthy ten year old boy still resting in the crumpled sheets and warm comforter of his bed.
Each step, he felt less sure of himself. As the black shadowed encircled his foot, he fought himself from drawing it back. Crossing past this line, he begged whatever god had forsaken him, for so many years before he gained freedom, had given Eren all his un-acquired blessings.
Another breath, a sharp in-take and long exhale, he descended.
"Eren…," his voice was barely above a rasped whisper. He had to clear his throat and rub at the skin to get his voice to work properly for him again.
"Eren?"
His foot connected with the concrete floor, his eyes squinting as they adjusted to the darkened room. The light from the small block windows did little to help, but he could faintly make out the outlines and shapes around him. Once shape in particular stood out amongst the rest.
Something curled beneath the window, the small scuff of movement alerting him to the spot. He held his breath, forcing his ears to pop as he listened carefully for any sounds, looking at the bundle intently for any movement. Once more… One more time.
'Please fucking Christ don't be him.'
"E-Eren?"
Another scuff, a subtle movement flickered in his vision, the object curled in further on itself… No, not an object… "Fucking shit… Fuck! Eren!"
He stumbled as he lurched forward, quickly dropping to his knees when he crossed the small space to the small figure. The softest groan emitted from the boy, and Levi held his hands up, unsure of what to do, afraid to touch him, frighten him. Afraid to make physical contact and truly force himself to realize this was no dream.
"Eren, Eren i-it's me. It's… fuck… you probably don't…," Levi slowly reached down to gather Eren's wrists in his hands, trying to urge the boy to sit up, trying to get him to move where he could better assess him.
"I won't hurt you, I'll get you out of here. We have to get you out of here..."
His eyes darted left and right, back and forth, carefully pulling Eren to him. The boy weakly protested the movement, but ultimately didn't have the strength to fight back as Levi gathered the too thin boy in his arms.
He felt all too frail, Levi glanced over him as best he could in the dim light, and his stomach knotted in revulsion at his state. His bones were far too visible for an age he was supposed to be just shying away from a chubby physique, he was obviously malnourished. His right hand was covered in teeth marks, and dried blood. Putting the two together, he could have vomited at the thought of the boy so hungry he tore at his own flesh.
His hair was long and matted, he could only imagine how filthy the boy had to be, pushing it back he felt how warm Eren's forehead felt beneath his palm. A fever heating his skin left him clammy and shivering. He was breathing so lightly, Levi felt the need to place his fingers in front of his lips and confirm he was really still breathing. His fingertips brushed the dried chapped lips as weak short puffs of air hit the pads so delicately he could easily convince himself he were imagining it.
"Kid open your eyes," Levi begged him between his teeth.
His brows drew forward, tilting his head backwards to stare up at the ceiling, searching the rafters for some trace of forgiveness, "Carla, I'm so sorry. I fucking… I should have watched him. I shouldn't have let this happen, fuck. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."
Levi dropped his gaze back down to the boy, holding him tighter as he felt the weak heart beat against the boy's ribcage, "Eren, open your eyes. Eren, Please. Eren… come on… please fucking open your eyes kid."
He felt the hairs at the base of his neck stand of edge as he called Eren's name over and over again. Desperate to get any type of response out of him, green eyes, mere slits, peered up at him through heavy lids but they grew wider. Slowly they grew wider, and Levi prompted him further. Just open your eyes a bit more, he continued. At the top of the stairs a silhouetted stood, casting an elongated shadow at the base of the staircase through the box of light from the door way on the floor, black against the back lit lighting.
Eren's lips edged to open, shaking as they strained to move, a crack in his throat from a dry whine as he tried to use his voice.
"That's it Eren, wake up."
"Eren, I'm here now."
"Eren."
"Eren!"
"Wake up!"
"Wake! Up!"
Eren shot forward in the bed, his lungs on fire as the air forced itself in and out of his lungs hastily. His eyes wide, he jolted at the touch on his shoulder, slamming his back against the wall from the jerky movement.
What was going on? What was… What was that dream? That nightmare? Why was it so real, it was so fucking real, why?
His chest rose and fell in quick succession as he focused on the man in front of him, "Y-You… You were. I…"
Eren brought his palms to his face and let out a long shuddering breath, "Y-You found me, you found me there, in the basement. Levi, it was you. It was you all along, why…?"
"Why didn't you fucking tell me?"
Undeterred by his reaction, and completely ignoring the bombardment of questions, Levi kneeled further onto the bed, far enough to pull Eren to his chest.
Rather than fight it Eren wrapped his own arms around the man's neck, trying to calm himself down. Levi stroked his back, trying to sooth him, told him it wasn't the time to talk, and perhaps he was right. Eren, at the moment, was in no condition to begin this conversation. The rawness of what he felt, so unbelievably tangible, left him reeling, confused.
Eren could remember exactly how Levi felt when he found him, everything. He didn't understand how, he didn't know why, but he knew, he knew.
"Levi," Eren spoke against his shoulder, eyes focused on the wall opposite of him, "It wasn't your fault. It was never your fault."
He felt Levi's arms tighten around him, the hitch of breath the only other evidence his words had reached him. Suddenly, he felt calmer, like a weight was lifted. Some unseen force, pulled off his shoulders. And despite the hellish nightmare that he just had he felt a smile, sincerely, pulling at his lips, gaze softening as he lifted his right hand into view. Eyes finding the white scars where his teeth left marks he'd somehow never noticed before.
"It's not your fault."