hey guys, i think this is the longest chapter so far. i must warn you, it's pretty intense. but this is one of the moments we've all been waiting for and i seriously hope you enjoy it.
The Tracks of My Tears
Santana sat on the couch legs crossed, one arm across her stomach while her other rested on the arm her fingers picking at the fabric there. The room was silent for the most part except for the fish tank that was making a bubbling sound over by the window and of course the distinct sound of three different sets of breathing patterns. Her eyes were trained on or around her own foot that she bounced out of habit more than anything else.
Brittany, who had her head positioned forward turned it only slightly to her left letting herself glance over in her girlfriend's direction. It was one of those times where Santana had been asked a question and clearly did not want to answer it. That happened about once or twice every other week so it was really nothing new or something to be surprised by but it still tugged at the blonde's heart regardless.
The sound of a pen clicking and then being settled onto a note pad brought Brittany's attention away from the girl beside her and instead to the direction of the woman with red glasses sitting on the tip of her nose. The woman, Santana's therapist, offered the blonde girl a small smile of encouragement and patience.
It was more often than not that when the topic of nightmares and the last few times that Santana had been sexually assaulted the young Latina would go mute and detach herself from the moment. It had been hard enough to tell Brittany, to even think about it in her own mind, tell Miss Pillsbury and then the several therapists she'd had since. It never got easier, probably because the stories never changed.
"Have you had any nightmares this week?" Dr. Hinton asked, rephrasing her earlier question of whether Santana had been having nightmares in general. Santana looked over from the spot on the couch she had been playing with between her fingers and turned her head to the blonde by her side and reached over, removing her arm from her stomach and took Brittany's hand in her own.
"Not this week." She forced a proud smile onto her face. It wasn't reassuring that that week she had been nightmare free, it was just one week. She was lucky.
"Santana." Brittany spoke softly squeezing her girlfriend's hand. The doctor looked between the girls and made a note when she saw Santana nod with a sigh.
"I haven't had nightmares this week but… the other night I… I couldn't sleep and I must have…" She paused, shaking her head, her mouth opening and closing.
"Miss Pierce?" Dr. Hinton turned her attention to Brittany who frowned.
"I found her on the roof of our apartment building." Brittany's voice was strained.
"After that night at my house, during the thunderstorm I guess it was kind of unspoken that we were 'together'." Brittany sits up straight, folding her legs over each other on the couch and pulls a pillow to her chest letting her chin rest on one of the corners. "She smiled more and laughed too. It was like she wasn't on her toes ready to make a run for it like she had been for so long prior." She adds, turning her head so her cheek now lay against the cushioned piece of furniture. "Of course… we didn't tell our parents right away, for a while but it was understandable. People say they love you but you never know what they are going to say to things sometimes and Santana was afraid of that." Her eyes glance down at her phone that hasn't gone off yet, still waiting for the phone call her girlfriend had promised her. "So we decided that the summer would be our time to grow and become that couple that we were always meant to be." She smiles softly, remembering the summer nights they had shared together that particular year and since.
"I remember that was the summer that Santana and I became friends again." Quinn adds, her voice small and her eyes focused on her hands that twist the gold ring on her middle finger. She grins, sniffles and uses the back of her hand to wipe some tears and she shakes her head. "I always wondered what it was that got into her, I mean one day she just shows up at my house and then…" She shrugs, obviously realizing she doesn't need to go into details because she knows Brittany is well aware of the events but after a few moments Brittany speaks up.
"We had just gotten home from the carnival and my mom had been waiting up for me." Her eyes sparkle as she looks off somewhere in the room as though the memory of the night were playing before her. "I think she knew that we had gone out on a date but still, she played it cool." She chuckles and glances over at Quinn whose attention is fully on her. "She was watching one of those crime shows or something and," Her gaze drops, her smile fades and she takes a deep breath. Brittany rolls her eyes. "We were still kind of in our own world but we joined my mom on the couch as she finished up the last bit of the movie, tissues on the ground, the sofa and all over the coffee table." Quinn giggles, nodding her head, she's been there once or twice when it came to a Lifetime movie. "It was one of the last scenes and… I'll never forget this because Santana had repeated it to me later on."
The woman in the suit, the counselor the other woman had been seeing sat across from her. She was old, a lot older than the victim and she held a large leather bound book in her hand, pen in the other. The room, office, was so quiet it almost sounded as though the reels of the camera could be heard from the television.
The counselor sighed, closed her book and placed her pen on the table beside her chair. The book lay flat on her lap and she leaned forward towards the woman. She brought her hands together, softly not like a clap and laced her fingers together.
"Before you can do anything else," She began to speak. "You have got to stop punishing yourself, you've got to stop pushing those who care about you away and more importantly stop pulling yourself away." Brittany remembers feeling Santana's body stiffen during the scene, her eyes transfixed on the woman speaking.
There were other words going on but Brittany quickly lost interest when Santana pulled on her hand to leave the room.
A few days later Santana found herself walking down a familiar street. Sure, she'd walked on that particular street several times, sometimes she just liked the detour that made it longer to get to her house form Brittany's. But being on it that day she had reasoned that it was for other particular reasons, mainly one.
She wondered if it was that easy, apologies that is. Growing up adults always said 'now say you're sorry', like it made everything better again. And she hoped that perhaps, this certain time that it was true. So, with a deep breath she made her way up the steps of a house she used to know as well as her own.
Mr. Fabray had long since left, his daughter's 'baby' situation proving to be too much for him. Well, that and he got caught cheating red handed… literally. Mrs. Fabray had walked in on him and his mistress one day when she was bringing him his lunch. She knew that Quinn and her mother went through hard times but that the woman was there for her daughter in the end. It made her think a lot about her own mother and wonder what it would take for Mrs. Lopez to pull a Judy Fabray and leave her daughter stranded.
Her mind stopped going down that path when she heard the doorbell ring and realized she had pressed it herself. There were voices on the other side of the door, then the sound of the knob being turned, the door creaking open and then the face of a girl that was once upon a time close to being her sister.
"Santana?" Quinn said half surprised and half concerned. Her eyes shifted from the Latina to her front yard as though wondering if this was all a part of some ploy to get under her skin for Santana's amusement.
"Hey." Santana greeted, bouncing nervously from the balls of her feet to her heels.
"Umm, hey." The blonde's eyebrows knit together and she leaned against the door frame.
"Look," Santana decided that it was better to do this quick, regardless if she stumbled over her words or if they didn't come out the way she had practiced on the way there. "I don't really know what to say here." She tore her eyes from the blonde, looking down at her hands that have found their way in front of her body twisting the bottom of her shirt. "I," She glanced back up to meet curious hazel eyes. "I don't really remember or know why we're not friends anymore." Santana admitted, shaking her head from side to side and sighing out in frustration, Quinn simply continued to watch and wait for more. "We used to be close." The blonde nodded her head, letting her guard down by uncrossing her arms slightly. "And then…" The shorter girl looked to the side, waved her hand out dismissively. "Shit, life or whatever got in the way."
"You left me when I needed you the most." Quinn finally jumped in, but she wasn't angry or mad or yelling. It was clear to the Latina that their recent past, their split still bothered the girl which left her hopeful. Guiltily Santana dropped her head, nodding in agreement. "I never would have done that to you Santana." The blonde explained, bringing her arms tighter around her body once again when she started feeling a little too vulnerable. Santana slowly lifted her head, nervously licked her lips and looked Quinn right in the eye.
"I know." It wasn't defensive and the tone in which she spoke it wasn't her agreeing just to agree so that they could put it behind them. She literally agreed, it was true. Quinn would have never left her and she only now figured that out.
"Santana," Her head titled, worry suddenly covered her features and her arms came down to her sides. "Is everything alright?" Santana cleared her throat and shifted from foot to foot. She wanted to tell the girl that nothing was alright, there was only one alright thing going on and that was Brittany. And that she wasn't sure how long she was going to be able to hold on to that without ruining it. But instead of telling Quinn that, she lied.
"Yeah, everything is fine." Her lips twisted in thought, trying to think of the words she wanted to say and what she went there to say. "It's just… I know that one day," She looked over her shoulder, not for any reason just to avoid their staring contest and she squinted at the sun. "I may need a friend, I might need someone to be there for me and I know I've burned bridges but…"
"You have Brittany." Quinn stated, as fact and not in a jealous kind of vindictive way. The shorter girl nodded and swallowed hard.
"I know I do but, I want you too." She finally admitted, turning her head back towards the blonde and shrugged. "I shouldn't have ever let you go but I was selfish and…" She trailed off at the end, there were way too many things running through her mind and she feared that if she kept going she would spill something she wasn't ready to. "Look I get it if you don't think we can be friends again, I was a pretty crappy one to you. It's just that… besides Britts," Her shoulders shrugged again and she kicked the pebbles beneath her feet. "I don't have anyone else."
"Our senior year was like, weeks away and we had planned a trip to go to Chicago to just do lunch and shop." Brittany begins to explain as she twirls her chopsticks around her lo mien in the box. "But of course our plans got ruined because Santana was being dragged to her aunt and uncle's because her cousin was graduating college or something." She waves the chopsticks in the air obviously not really caring about the minor detail of why her girlfriend was being made to go to a family function.
She was sixteen and a little bit. Almost seventeen. It was the summer going into senior year and things had seemed to be getting better, so she thought or at least hoped. Well, that's what she liked to tell herself, especially at night when she was by herself. It had gotten easier to pretend. Brittany was always by her side, their summer as a couple had been going so good she wished it hadn't taken her so long to finally accept it and say it out loud.
She was just a little outside of Lima at her aunt and uncle's house for her cousin's graduation and just like every other time they had some sort of family function there they had to show off their ever growing backyard. The built in pool had seemed to have expanded since she was twelve, there was a hot tub in the corner and a huge stainless steel grill secured to the house.
It seriously was like a mansion and such a difference to the town she'd grown up in, it was a nice difference. She did her best trying to avoid memories the place brought, water under the bridge and all. What were the chances that her cousin even talked to that kid any longer, he was not going to be an issue for her that day. 'No reason crying over spilled milk' she said to herself as she got changed into her bathing suit.
She checked herself out in the full length mirror in her aunt's bathroom and realized that there was no way she was going to be able to pull of walking around in just her bikini, it revealed way too much. She chuckled dryly at the thought because normally that was her plan, to reveal everything. Leaving things to the imagination was boring and old and why not just get down to the nitty gritty. It made sense.
Her lips twisted in thought and she hovered over her Cheerio's bag which only made her irritated, if only for a moment. She contemplated burning the bag and tossing onto Coach Sylvester's lawn but considering it had her name on it she would be found out. Even if that didn't give her away she was sure Sue had ways to get her prints or something off the bag.
With destruction of property fading from her mind she unceremoniously pulled out a pair of shorts she had packed just in case. It sucked because it did not go with her suit but at that point she had no other options. She knew that if her mother or some other woman or girl commented on the shorts she could simply explain she had her period, that always worked well.
It was easy for her to stay out of people's conversations, she didn't really have much to say to fifty year olds and graduating college students, they were all utterly boring in a very equal way. Even the kids that were her age bore her to tears so instead she simply entertained herself by imagining the conversations she would have been having with Brittany at the party. Making fun of the woman in polka dots because no one should ever unless they are Brittany and, she thought to herself, Berry can pull of that look but that's it. They would point out how immature college guys are and that the girl's aren't any better and that for some reason they are way too lazy to put on makeup. They would laugh at how Santana's mother always does her 'mom dance' when she drinks pina colada's and how her dad laughs at everything his older brother says even when it's totally not funny.
And it worked for a while, having possible conversations with her girlfriend had she been there. But as the night progressed she realized how lonely she actually felt. She wondered what would have happened if she brought Brittany. Would they act like they were dating? Were they even really dating? What were they? She felt all of this uncertainty as she watched couples pair off, adults hanging on their significant others and she glanced to the lounge chair beside her and it was so empty.
She wished she had it in her to be one of those girls that got drunk and cried, but she wasn't. Maybe. Maybe she was. Maybe she needed to be in the right mind set to let it all come pouring out. With that thought in mind she got up from her spot, stood there for a moment watching her aunt's friend's mixing some drinks and then glanced to the 'pool house' shed deal that was still very intact but much more empty than it was in her youth.
It appeared as though a lot of the adults were congregating around the fire pit and the liquor table was left without the usual security. With a quick move, leaving her flip flops behind not wanting something getting in the way for a quick escape, she glided around the deck of the pool, ran down the steps, swiped a bottle of something and quickly turned back around heading towards the shed.
A perfect plan. Quick and efficient and undetected. Once inside she checked the door, which had no door knob just a rope to open and close, and she made sure she would still have the ability to get out of there when the time came. There was a window, just one, it was small but it provided her with enough light to see where she was going in the small place. She could still see the adults and if someone were coming to check on her she'd be able to hide the evidence.
She sat on a chest that held a bunch of pool toys for her younger cousins and probably her uncle cause he was really just a big kid. Her toes pointed together and her shoulders slouched, not exactly the posture she would exude in public but she was by herself, a bottle of… vodka and a blow up dolphin staring at her.
Untwisting the cap she took a big swig in hopes that the faster she got down the first couple of gulps the sooner that shit would work and do its job in making her a sobbing mess. Even as she swallowed she couldn't help but roll her eyes at herself and the extent she was willing to go in order to feel something, or at least express her feelings. It was so ridiculous she couldn't even wrap her head around it. But she didn't want to, she didn't want to think about it anymore and that was part of the problem.
She must not have realized how much of the bottle she had already drank. She must have not realized that she was pretty drunk and her cognitive skills were barely there. She must not have heard the door creak open or the bare footsteps that followed. She must not have looked up in those last couple of minutes of being alone in that shed or she would have seen someone coming.
It wasn't until there was a shadow blocking the torches on the other side of the window that she finally realized that she was not alone in there.
"Who was it?" Quinn asks, her tone is that of a small child listening to a scary story by a fire at camp only, much more frightened. Brittany shakes her head because for some reason it was still an unbelievable moment.
"Billy." She says softly and her friend's eyebrows raise and her mouth hangs open.
"Billy?" Quinn repeats her in disbelief and Brittany nods. "What the hell was he doing there?"
"Apparently hell is a small, small world." Brittany begins, her voice low and her eyes downcast to her own hands fumbling with a small piece of fabric she had picked up. And Quinn continues to look on, waiting for more to that riddle. "Billy was dating Santana's cousin. They'd met through Tony because they wound up going to the same college." She shrugs her shoulders and tosses the fabric out of her hands and watches it fall to the couch. "But… yeah. He, uh…" Her throat moves up and down, she clears it a few times and blinks hard. "He pulled the door shut, he must have seen her go in there… probably with the bottle." She explains glancing up momentarily to find Quinn looking down and watching her hands as well. "She said she thinks he was drunk because he just grabbed her by the back of the neck and started kissing her."
Santana stumbled forward, the force from behind her pulling her that way and she smacked into something hard. When her hands came out and she heard a small bang beneath her she realized she had dropped the bottle of vodka. Her hands were flat against something, it felt like a person though and when she looked up and pulled her head back she saw his face. Her eyes widened and he grinned, thinking that she was probably excited to see him, not that he cared about that last part.
Her eyes shut tight and she tried to push him away from her but he was strong, too strong, and a lot stronger than her. She yelled at him to get away but before she could finish one word he clamped his hand over her mouth. She tried to bite his hand but when he felt teeth he brought his other hand higher up her neck and pulled her hair, hard. A yelp escaped her throat but was muffled against his rough calloused skin.
He looked away from her frightened eyes and nudged the vodka bottle and told her to bend over and pick it up. She shook her head, afraid of what bending down in front of a drunk college guy would have in store for her. He pulled her hair again and squeezed the other around her mouth firmly. His lips came to her ear and told her to pick it up, hissing into her ear and the air was hot, burning her.
She swallowed hard and nodded. Slowly she began to bend down in front of him, taking in the fact that he was still shirtless probably from the day in the sun and was in basketball shorts. She tried to keep her eyes focused on his, to be ready for any sudden movements but she was definitely regretting the half of the bottle she had already ingested seeing as it made her reaction time a lot slower. As her fingers grazed the bottle she felt his hands come around the back of her head and push her face towards his crotch. It threw her off balance and her hands automatically flew up to his thighs trying to pull and push away.
"He…" Brittany can't help it, there are tears. She's not embarrassed or anything, Quinn's seen her cry many times throughout their lives but this… well, it was a little different but she didn't care just the same. "He said 'suck my dick slut, you know you want to'." She sniffles and after she wipes away some tears with the back of her hand she finds Quinn's hands grabbing her own. Quinn's eyebrow arches when Brittany chuckles, sniffles and shakes her head. "Then she said, 'I will straight up bite that shit off'." Quinn can't help it, she giggles and when she blinks away blurriness she realizes she too is crying. "No one knew they were in there. It must have been so loud outside with everyone talking and shit. They didn't hear the bottle break when Santana tried to make a run for it. They didn't hear her bang on the door because he had pulled the rope so far in she couldn't get out." She takes a deep breath and rubs the back of Quinn's hand with her thumb. "He told her, 'stop acting like you don't want it' and that 'if she doesn't take it' then he'd tell Tony about all the boys she'd been with."
"Even him?" Quinn asks, her voice shaky. "That sounds like a dumb plan."
"Yeah, but I guess when you're drunk and scared as it is anything will get you to shut up." Brittany shrugs her shoulders and shakes her head. "She asked him to stop, begged him to but… he didn't. He even picked up the top of the bottle that had broke and said if she didn't 'shut the fuck up' he would show her what 'pain is'."
He had left hours ago. She had heard her parents calling out to her about an hour and a half ago but she couldn't get up. The corner of the shed seemed to take her over, shadow her from her mind and her thoughts and the truth in them. Her knees were tucked under her chin, her arms wrapped around her legs and she stared at the broken glass all over the floor.
All that could go through her mind wasn't the fact that Billy, her brother's best friend, cousin's alleged boyfriend had just forced himself on her, again. She also wasn't even thinking about the fact that, just like the first time he had taken advantage of her in her bathroom at home, he hadn't used a condom. She wasn't even thinking about how unlike that first time, he didn't pull out of her. All that could go through her mind was the fact that she had just had sex with someone who wasn't Brittany.
There were no tears as she leaned forward and grabbed a shard of glass. She didn't even flinch when she stretched her legs out in front of her and hooked her thumb under the waist band of her bathing suit bottoms and press the glass to her skin. She didn't feel sick watching, as she pushed harder, the blood come trickling down, over her finger and onto the fabric of her bathing suit. She didn't feel much of anything except guilt.
"She came back the next day but she didn't come over like she said she was going to. She told me she was too tired to move and then when I offered to come to her she said she was just going to sleep and wouldn't be very entertaining." Brittany tells her friend, resting her head against the back of the sofa. "Obviously I didn't care if we watched paint dry but, she wanted to be alone and considering how far she had come from the year before I had to respect that."
"You mean with your whole relationship and shit?" Quinn wants to make sure they are on the same page and Brittany softly says 'yes'.
"For the rest of summer… I was the one who initiated anything sexual. Or if she did it was after a party when we were drunk." Brittany bites her lower lip. "Usually it was me who was drunk. She told me later that she felt like if I was drunk when we were intimate I wouldn't be able to see her flaws or something."
"She does have this strange idea that you can see through her soul." Brittany smirks.
"That's because I can." Her eyes look down. "Most of the time."
"I think you can all of the time, even back then, you obviously knew something was wrong B." Quinn comments, bringing Brittany's eyes back up to meet hers.
"Not when it counted."
It was a Friday meaning Noah Puckerman was having a party. It was only a week before winter break from school and the school's biggest self proclaimed badass was on a three day suspension from school and decided to have a weekend long kegger at his house. Conveniently his mother had taken his sister to his Nana's for the weekend which meant it was nonstop.
Brittany was not keen on going because Noah Puckerman still had no sense when it came to girls, especially Santana, and had been trying ever since school started up again to get in her pants. Of course Santana turned him down due to Brittany but she was still not giving the blonde as her reason. It was bordering on taking steps backwards but Brittany was trying to give her girl the benefit of the doubt and hoped that sooner than later Santana would be comfortable with their relationship to just straight up not give a shit.
The only thing remotely exciting about that weekend was the fact that the Lopez's were on one of their monthly vacations and instead of staying at Puckerman's where they'd literally have to kick guys in the nuts to leave them alone, they could just go back to Santana's and get their cuddle and lady kisses on.
The plan was for Brittany to go to Santana's where they would pregame and get some groping on before heading over to Puck's most likely lame ass party. It was drizzling on the way to Santana's and Brittany hoped upon hope that there were no thunderstorms in their immediate future.
Parking her car in front of the Lopez house she grabbed her backpack filled with some clothes and jogged up to the house. The porch light was off, which she thought was odd because it was usually on especially at night when Santana was expecting Brittany. When she reached the top of the steps she heard a strange noise from the right of the porch and looked over to investigate. She squinted her eyes and took a tentative step forward.
"Santana?" She whispered into the darkness, leaning forward trying to make out the tiny figure in the corner by the porch swing. "Santana is that you?" She asks a little bit louder and then she hears a clang, sounded like glass against wood, followed by a stumble or two and a grunt of some sort. "What are you doing out here it's freezing." Santana came forward, pushing the swing and the metal squeaked quietly behind her as she continued towards Brittany.
"I was just getting ready." She slurred, lifting the bottle in her hand, the glass shimmering from the light of the streetlight in front of her house. Brittany furrowed her eyebrows with concern, a hesitant smile on her lips. "I figured we could get out sweet lady kisses on." She whispered the last part, covering her mouth with the back of her hand as though to hush her words. "And then go to Puck's party." Her eyes rolled at the mention of Puck and she took a swig from the bottle. Brittany stepped forward to intervene between Santana and the bottle of rum.
"How bout I get some of that." She suggested though both girl's were fully aware that the blonde was not about to go shot for shot with her friend.
"No!" Santana shouted, yanking the bottle back spilling some of its contents on to her. Brittany stepped back, bringing her arms to her sides, dropping her backpack at her feet and stared at Santana carefully. She had never seen her like this and it scared her.
"San… what's… what's going on?" She asked nervously trying not to sound like she was accusing the Latina of anything. Santana threw her head back and let out a loud and very fake laugh.
"What isn't wrong Brittany?" Santana questioned her, her eyes boring deeply into blue ones. They stood in silence for a few more moments until she waved it off. "Forget it, let's get ready." She moved to grab Brittany's hand with her own but the blonde jerked her hand away.
"Not until you tell me what's wrong." It was clear that this was not a question or that she was begging, Brittany was demanding to know what was going on. Santana turned to her, looked her over as though to see if she was really serious.
"Nothing is wrong B." She lied through her teeth and the way her voice wavered Brittany knew and worse of all, Santana knew Brittany knew. "What is wrong with you?" Turning the tables usually worked on everyone but Santana knew she wasn't getting anywhere with that one because for some reason or another this game the blonde never fell for.
"Santana I'm not joking around." Brittany wanted to cross her arms, show the other girl she meant business but instead they lay limp at her sides.
"Of course you're not." Santana chuckled as she spoke, clearly mocking the blonde.
"Can you be serious or at least pretend to be serious for a moment?"
"Britt I have been pretending with you for way too long." It was supposed to be a mumble, just under her breath, not meant to be carried by the harsh air of the winter and into the ears of her best friend.
"What is that supposed to mean?" Brittany asked defensively, one foot taking a step back.
"Whatever you want it to." She shook her head, waved the other girl off and went to take another sip of the liquor in her hand but Brittany was all too quick being sober to pull it out of her hands. "Hey!"
"Would you look at yourself?" Brittany spit out, disappointment etched all over her face and all Santana could do was smirk. "You're a mess and I've tried to believe you that nothing is wrong but… it's kinda hard to believe when you act like this." She nearly shouted and motioned towards her friend.
"Like what?" Santana challenged turning around on the porch and walking down the steps.
"Where are you going?" The blonde hurried after her, running down the steps she had only moments ago run up.
"Jesus Brittany, are you going to follow me everywhere now?" She huffed, slumped her shoulders in an annoyed kind of way before she turned around to face the girl behind her who was stopped in her tracks. "It's getting kind of ridiculous. I mean at first it was fun and maybe a little cute." She made a tiny measurement using her index finger and thumb holding it up for Brittany to see. "But now it's just kind of a hassle." Brittany stood there bewildered. Only a few minutes ago Santana was suggesting sweet lady kisses and then she was telling Brittany she was a 'hassle'.
"Why are you being so mean?" She couldn't hide the sadness in her voice or the fact that she was about to cry. Santana spreads her arms and stomps her foot.
"Because then maybe you'll go away." Santana told her matter of factly and then she looked down and barely whispered, "I can't give you anything."
"What?" Brittany stepped forward again, the wind made it hard to hear but she had a feeling of what the other girl had said. "Why are you doing this?"
"You're too good for me Brittany." Santana yelled into the cold winter air. It was strange because even as the wind whipped around and it slapped her in the face like ice, her face was warm and she realized she was crying and couldn't remember the last time she cried. "I'm used and broken and hollow inside." She spit out pointing her finger into her chest to get her point across. "I can't give you what you want. Anything and everything that you deserve and all the things I want to give to you were taken from me a long time ago. I can't get them back. So do us both a favor and just go, leave." She screamed the last word so loud that it echoed off into the night sky.
"Santana stop it." Brittany pleaded and she tried to stay in control of the tears that were threatening her cheeks. "I'm not going anywhere. I'm not asking you to give me anything I don't want things from you."
"Then what do you want?" Santana shouted causing Brittany to jump a little at the volume but once she quickly regained composure she tried to think of an explanation, a reason, a want and she does.
"I just want you." Brittany told her factually and Santana's face fell slightly and her shoulder's relaxed and her mouth opened but only the hot air of her breath came out, like steam.
Without any other words Santana stepped to Brittany grabbing her hand and leading her up the walk way to her house. She pushed through the front door quickly dragging the blonde up the stairs. Once her bedroom door was shut she started removing the layers she had so diligently covered her body in. Brittany watched from the door as a coat fell to the foot of the bed and Cheerio track pants hit the floor. Santana turned to face her best friend and motioned to her body as though it were on display.
"This is what you want?" She asked and her tone was so bitter it sliced through Brittany like a shard of glass and she looked away ashamed. "Let me show you what it is that you get B." Santana hastily reached for the zipper to her Cheerio top and got it off in no time. "See this?" She asked loudly pointing to a small scar just above her left breast. If she hadn't have pointed it out in the light it would have gone unseen. "This is from sophomore year when I was drunk at a senior's house and some deliverance asshole thought it would be exciting to fuck me while holding a knife to my throat. Just as he came the knife slipped and he cut me." Brittany winced at the story and the words used to tell it. "Or how about this?" She turned to the side and pointed out a small circular scar just above the waist band of her Cheerio skirt. "This is from the summer of 9th when I went to Quinn's house while they were on vacation and I was not so warmly greeted by her creep of a neighbor. He head butted me knocking me out when I tried to fight him off and I came to when he thought it would be fun to put his cigarette out on me." She screamed and then unclasped her bra.
"San." Brittany tried to speak but her voice came out cracky and gargally. Santana's bra was thrown hard to the floor, the clasps made noise on the wood as it hit.
"Did I ever show you these?" She walked closer to Brittany and lifted her breasts showing the small scars from her 'summer surgery'. "This is summer going into junior year because I wanted power. I wanted to control my situations." She laughed roughly and hard and it was cold. "That didn't happen."
"Please stop."
"Oh, is this too much for you Brittany? Am I too damaged for you now?" She spit out but she wasn't waiting for an answer she was just on a rampage. She stepped back again and unzipped her skirt letting it pool around her ankles and she walked out of it. "Ever wonder why I never let you go down on me?" Santana asked her and her vision of Brittany was blurred by the tears. "Huh?" Brittany took this as a question in need of an answer so she shook her head. "Here." She pointed down to her hips and upper thighs. "Look." She screamed and motioned for Brittany to come closer and she did, tentatively. She grabbed Brittany's hand once she was close enough. "Feel this. You see." She guided Brittany's fingers over old scars, healing ones and ones yet to start healing. "I'm scarred, not just on the outside." She spoke softly this time letting her grip on Brittany loosen. "See you can't love me. I'm not the one people love. I'm just the one they pass the time with." She said and finally her hand drops completely from Brittany. "So please, just go. Go and stop making me feel things because it's too exhausting." She hung her head and waved the blonde off. "Stop making me want to give you things that I know I can't. Being around you just… reminds me."
"What?"
"When I'm around you I am constantly reminded of the moments I wish I could erase that I wish I could wash off of me and out of me. Whenever someone was touching me I wished it was you. I pictured your face because it made it easier to get through. And I blamed you when it was over because if I was with you, like with you then this wouldn't be happening to me." She fell to the floor hysterically crying. All of her words had literally tumbled out in sobs and her chest heaved to catch her breath. She looked quite like a small child collapsing after a tantrum. "I tried to hate you because of it and that's why I push you away. And I hate myself because of it. I hate myself." Her hair was a mess and she was completely distraught.
"That kid, yeah, he took my virginity but he took me right along with it too. The person I was supposed to be, the happiness I was supposed to have. I'm nothing and I have nothing to give. And each one after that kept taking bits and pieces and chunks of me leaving me with nothing to hold on to. So see, you can't love me. I'm unlovable. I can't give you anything." She paused. "Don't tell me this scares you, because… you weren't there when I had to lay there with my face pushed into the ground wondering if after this person is done with me if they are going to kill me. You never had to worry if your brother's friend was going to come sneaking into your bedroom in the middle of the night like he did the weekend before. You never had to worry if your parents could see it, could smell or feel it coming off of you. That you aren't their little girl anymore and that night of your mother's surprise party you were late because some jock had you bent over his mothers oak coffee table while you screamed inside because you wished you were somewhere else, someone else. You've never woken up not knowing where you are, but when you move you have this pain that's let's you know what had happened." She watcheed Brittany sniffle and try to fight the tears that had already been pouring down her face. "I can't make you happy Brittany. I don't know how. I'd let you down, I'd break you and I can't do that because, I could… I could fall in love with you."
"I'm not going anywhere." Brittany muttered. "I love you Santana." She sniffled and Santana shook her head.
"You shouldn't." She told her.
"But I do."
"How can I protect you when I can't even protect myself?"
"Let me protect you." She offered and Santana slowly lifted her head.
"At least… at least for a little while."
"How does forever sound?"
"How come she never told anyone?" Quinn asks sipping from her mug and tucking her feet under her. Brittany looks to her hands and shrugs.
"I'm not sure." Brittany admits broken hearted. "I think that maybe she thought no one would believe her." She lifts her gaze from her hands over to the mug that Quinn had her fingers wrapped around. "I mean, she kept it to herself for so long, that by the time she told me… she kind of already had…"
"A reputation." Quinn begrudgingly finishes her sentence and Brittany's eyes drop back down to her own hands again, unfortunately nodding with confirmation.
"I think that sometimes she thinks it made her stronger." She speaks up after the uncomfortable silence became too much for her. She can see Quinn tilt her head to the side in question out of the corner of her eye. "That keeping inside and holding on to everything they hadn't taken away from her, gave her power. That she could be in control. That she is in control." She finishes and finally let's herself look over to Quinn. Brittany can see the tears in her friend's eyes wanting to come tumbling down, but Quinn won't allow them to. They both know that Brittany isn't telling her so that she can feel sorry for Santana she's telling her so that she knows her.
They sat there, on the floor of Santana's bedroom. Brittany held her friend, her lover, her most important reason for being. She held her as Santana cried into her chest, mumbling incoherent words some of which sounded like 'sorry's' strung together. Sorry for what exactly escaped Brittany's thought process because all the words she could manage to come out were the same.
A bunch of apologies for something that at the end of the day was out of their control, things that, things that words could not explain or provide them that bit of comfort. But they did find that small shred of solace, that tiny bit of 'everything will be okay' and they found that in the arms of each other. As Santana cried into Brittany, the blonde felt no need to hide her emotions any longer and she freely wept as she tightened her grasp around the smaller girl.
The crying lasted a long while and they stayed like that, on the ground, for a few hours. Brittany had realized that it had started to pour outside at the same time she noticed the girl in her arms had cried herself to sleep. As she maneuvered herself to her feet with plans to pick Santana up and place her on her bed, she couldn't help staring at those tear tracks that formed on those tanned cheeks. Laying Santana carefully on top of the comforter her mind wondered silently if Santana had cried herself to sleep often.
She still didn't know much, but she knew enough to know that it wasn't good. Her eyes travelled along her friend's still very naked body and fell upon those scars and fresh wounds along her hips and thighs. She felt herself shudder at the thought of her friend doing something like that to herself. How could Santana even think of doing something like that, let alone actually do it? It hurt her heart.
Her eyes left Santana's small frail body for a moment, sweeping around the room landing briefly on her chair by her desk. Brittany moved quietly across the room to the chair lifting the thin blanket that was draped over the back and brought to the bed laying it onto Santana. She felt her tears, which had still been flowing even after Santana had stopped sobbing, dripping down her face as she stood there watching the Latina sleep.
Santana looked so sad and broken and though Brittany had noticed these little things of her friend in the past they had never looked so prominent till then. Her head whipped towards the window in Santana's dark walled room and she slowly moved to it assuming it would be her friend's parents. But the closer she got the more she berated herself. Whenever Mr. and Mrs. Lopez went out for one of Mr. Lopez's banquets they were out all night long. In a way she was more than thankful for them not to be there to bear witness to their daughter falling apart at the seams. But then again she desperately wished that Mrs. Lopez had been there because she had no idea what it was she was supposed to say or do for that matter.
Of course whenever she'd be upset over anything and everything all she needed and wanted from Santana was for her to be there. She'd sometimes sit there and do nothing, not even say anything. Other times she'd hug Brittany until she felt a little better and then she'd hug her some more. One time Brittany had been upset over something and Santana stayed over and watched her the whole night as she slept. The only reason Brittany knew that was when she woke up in the morning and found Santana sitting in a chair by her bed with her head in her hands and eyes slightly hooded desperately trying to fight off sleep.
Brittany walked back over to that desk chair and carried it over to the side of Santana's bed and took a seat on it facing her friends sleeping form. She brought her legs up crossing them over each other and rubbing the back of her neck with her hands. Her eyes flitted over towards the clock set on Santana's nightstand on the other side of the bed before bringing her gaze back to the sleeping girl.
Take away the sadness and the pain clearly written all over her features, Brittany still thought that Santana was the most beautiful person she had ever laid eyes on. Her lips curled upside down and she did her best to stifle the sob that threatened to escape her lips as she leaned forward to brush some hair from Santana's face. She let her hand tuck the hair behind her ear and let her palm rest against her friend's cheek tracing her thumb along the skin there.
A few more hours had passed until Santana finally woke up. She moved and grunted under the light coverage Brittany had placed over her body. Her eyes landed on the blonde who had remained in the chair beside the bed, blue eyes on her brown ones.
"That's…" Quinn's head shakes and her lips purse like she has something to say but nothing comes out.
"Intense." Brittany finishes and they both nod.
"Yeah." The other blonde breathes out her mind moving so rapidly over everything that she has learned over the past three days.
"I had never in my life would have ever imagined something like that night to ever happen." Brittany speaks after a few seconds of utter silence. "It was surreal, movie like and awful. For a little while I had seriously thought I had had a nightmare, even when I woke up I was lost. Like I expected to wake up at home or something." Her jaw clenches and she shakes her head some more. "I don't even know how I fell asleep."
She hadn't even realized she fell asleep until she woke up. The room was quiet but not the typical middle of the night silence to be expected. Though there were no noises, the sounds of memories and events of only hours before echoed throughout the room.
She pushed herself from the bed, the room was dark which struck her as odd only because she didn't remember turning off the lights. The hallway just beyond the door was only scarcely lit except for the tiny stream of brightness coming from the direction of the bathroom.
Her legs, still shaky, took her there and the door was already cracked open a bit. She would knock, but at that point it seemed pointless. The door squeaked as she nudged it open like she knew it would. Santana was standing in front of the mirror that stopped just above the low set counter top.
Her white tank top was lifted while her old Cheerio's issued sweats were pushed down just to the bottom of her hip. Tan fingers traced over the exposed flesh as brown eyes explored the skin and its scars through her reflection.
Brittany stood in the doorway and watched her for a short time. She wondered how she missed it, how she didn't know, how she couldn't feel it. With a deep breath and a tight squeeze of her eyes to hold in tears she had thought she'd cried out, she stepped into the bathroom.
"Do they hurt?" Brittany's quiet voice barely left her throat but Santana heard her. Her eyes flickered to the blonde's reflection briefly and Brittany sighed, shaking her head at herself wishing her first words after going so long without talking were more intelligible than what she actually had said.
"No." Santana whispered, her eyes downcast to the side that Brittany was not on. "I mean," She swallowed and tilted her head to let truth leave her lips. No more lies, no more hiding from Brittany. "Not anymore I guess." She turned her head, waiting to meet those blue eyes but settling for the blondes hands clasped in front of her instead. "Or… maybe they hurt now." Her eyes rose up slowly, finally meeting Brittany's. "I don't really know." She honestly answered, her voice cracked at her uncertainty. Brittany nodded and chanced a few steps closer towards the other girl.
"Why did… why do you do it?" Brittany rephrased the question when her gaze fell upon a fresher scab. Santana followed her stare and self consciously covered herself back up, pulling her shirt back down and tugging her sweats up.
"Because…" She trailed off leaving Brittany without the answer but she still looked at Santana expectantly. "Because I don't matter." She repeated a bit louder.
"What?" Brittany's face was screwed up, her tone was one of disgust and disapproval, Santana's eyes shifted to the side again.
"Because…" She was about to repeat herself once again but Brittany cut her off.
"I heard you." The blonde said a bit softer, but her voice was still strong. "That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard you say Santana." She told her, taking one more step closer and placed a hand on her shoulder. "You do matter. You matter in such a big way, you really have no idea." Santana's eyes shimmered, looking from Brittany to the sink.
"Why do you do that?" Her words cracked as they left her mouth, she turned to face the blonde whose head tilted to the side and her eyebrows knit together. "How come at school you act so ditzy and nonchalant but when it's just us…" Her throat closed as a lump formed, her head shook to control the tears. Brittany's hand left her shoulder, slid down her arm and found her hand.
"Because Santana," She brought her other hand to lift Santana's face up to meet hers. "People at school… they're just people that I see and know… at the end of the day it doesn't matter with them." She explained easily with a shrug of her shoulders. "In my world the only thing… the only person that matters is you." She spoke those words in a way that was as simple as breathing. "You haven't figured it out yet so I'll stop you from guessing and just tell you." Her hand moved to cup Santana's cheek. "My world revolves around you."
And they just stood there for a good two to three minutes staring at one another. Santana desperately searching those blue eyes for some falseness hidden in the layers of her words, but there were none to be sought out. And Brittany desperately tried to make Santana see the sincerity within her, the truth she'd laid out in her words, actions and breathes countless times.
"Why?" Santana croaked out and Brittany's eyes narrowed, she sighed.
"Because I love you." She replied almost instantly.
"But why… why do you love me?"
"Do I need a reason?" She asked incredulously but seriously at the same time. "Because there's a lot and I don't know how long you want to stand here." She winked, finally getting a slight smile out of Santana. "You're ridiculously intelligent, I'm talking crazy smart. And you sometimes whisper lines from Shakespeare before you fall asleep." Santana blushed, not even aware she did that. "And I love that I know that it's Shakespeare and tell you and know you won't question me how I know his stuff." She took a quick breath. "You know I'm not that dumb blonde girl everyone else thinks I am. I love your voice and not just when you sing." She spoke lower, her head dipped down to keep eye contact with Santana. "I love the way you whisper in my ear and your phone voice too. I love that you are left handed." She lifted her hand to tuck some dark hair behind her girlfriend's ear. "I love that you're shorter than me. I love that you love to rap in the shower and when we are alone especially when you try to beat box. I love that you make me feel safe and warm." She paused to look lovingly deeper into Santana's dark brown eyes. "The best part about all of those things you do that make my stomach do back flips and my heart beat insanely fast is that you're barely trying to drive me crazy. You're just being you."
"She really didn't know how I felt. I guess she knew I loved her… knows I love her." She corrects herself. "But I think she just figured I had to like, because we were together and that we were best friends. She really didn't believe that there was anything there to love."
Brittany followed Santana back into her bedroom, walking slowly behind her through the darkness of the hallway and into the quiet. Santana went over to her side table, Brittany could see that much through the unlit room. The clicking of the lamp came to her ears before the light entered her eyes and she took in her best friends figure. Her vision focused rather quickly, recovering from the shadows noticing just how small the other girl truly was. Without the bravado, without the shell of steel veiling her from the rest of the world she was tiny. Her shoulders slumped in that moment so different from the way her posture was normally so pristine and perfect.
It wasn't uncommon for Santana to let her guard down around the blonde but this time it was different. It wasn't until that moment that Brittany realized that there was a thin layer of armor over Santana even in her presence. She swallowed roughly, trying to contain that lump that had formed without notice in the middle of her chest threatening to come out in the form of a sob, a cry or a whimper or word vomit.
With the light, though minimal, now on Santana looked down to take in the clothes she didn't remember putting on. She hadn't, she figured it was Brittany who had clothed her while she was in the throes of her breakdown. Her hand tugged at the bottom of the t-shirt, it was Brittany's, and for some reason or another that made her feel warmer and she allowed a sigh of relief to escape her lips. Her jaw clenched, not in an angry sort of way, but in a way of uncertainty and in a way of knowing that their next conversation, the next words she was going to speak were going to alter her entire universe and more importantly though, it was going to alter 'their' universe indefinitely.
Brittany continued to stand there, silent and stoic, as Santana turned to face her but keeping her eyes down to the floor by the blonde's feet. Her fingers curled under the fabric of the shirt she had been pulling at and gripped it firmly while lowering herself down onto the side of the bed. She sat for a few moments, right there beside the night table taking in a few but very much needed breathes and gathered her thoughts.
Brittany moved from her spot at the opened door, sliding to the side and brushed her back against the wall as she walked. She leaned against the black colored wall right across from the smaller girl on the bed. Her hands were at her sides, fidgeting with her pants and then she ever so slightly moved herself down until she was sitting on the floor and pulled her knees to her chest. Santana didn't look up to see what her friend was doing but in some odd way of knowing just by the sounds and the feeling around the room she too let her body slide from the bed and sat on the floor, mirroring Brittany's pose.
"When I found out that you lost your virginity I was so angry." She finally spoke, leaning forward and placed her chin onto her forearms that were resting on her knees. Her voice was so quiet but Brittany heard her. "For so many reasons… I was so angry." Her head shook and she sucked in her lips like she were trying to contain the rage she felt from the memory of it all. "I was mad because I didn't want you to do those things," She lifted her eyes slowly, letting them trail up from Brittany's shoes, to her legs until finally coming to settle on those blue eyes that sparkled back at her. "With boys." She finished the sentence and the blonde's mouth opened, like she was going to respond but both girls knew there was nothing coming out she was going to let Santana have the floor for as long as possible.
"I hated that you had the choice to wait for your first time. That it was your choice." Santana closed her eyes tightly but try as she might she could not hold in the tears that popped out and trickled down her puffy cheeks. "I hated that it was my fault." Brittany's eyes flickered to the side, her attempt to avoid her friends glare. As much as she would want to deny the statement and cite the falseness behind it she couldn't. It was true, Santana did play a part in Brittany losing her virginity but not in the way either girl would like to remember. "I hated that it wasn't with me the most." She verbalized both of their thoughts and feelings on the subject, bringing blue eyes back to meet brown ones quickly.
"Me too." Brittany whispered, her voice hoarse from being quiet for so long. Santana took in a long, deep breath, letting it out just as slowly as she took it and let her fingers uncurl from the fist she had been making.
"My first time was on the ground in the woods one sweaty summer." She finally said for the first time ever. It was out there before she even realized she had opened her mouth to speak. Brittany's eyes searched the space around her before returning to her eyes and her eyebrows furrowed and her lips moved without words. "I was 12-years-old and I was at my aunt and uncles for my cousins birthday and afterwards all us kids were walking through the woods and I," She shook her head at her pre-teen naivety suddenly seeing the whole continuously over hashed out Lifetime movies run through her mind. 'Don't go off with strangers' echoed through her ears. "Stupidly went off with some kid."
"But," Brittany cut in, Santana's head snapped up in her direction, she had almost forgotten that she was not alone. She could see the confusion written all over Brittany's face, the way her mouth moved trying to put thoughts to speech but failing miserably. Santana shook her head, already knowing full well what Brittany was getting at.
"Johnny wasn't my first." She told her causing Brittany's mouth to shut quickly. The Latina didn't know why but a tiny laugh came out and she rested her forehead to her arms. "He wasn't even my second." Brittany's first instinct was to get up and move to the other girls side, but something was keeping her against the wall. She could hear the tears deep in the back of Santana's throat and the way she sniffled trying to contain them but it was truly of no use they came out nonetheless. "I told them to stop, I begged them but they wouldn't." Her head flew back against the bed and she stared up at the ceiling as tear after tear trailed down the sides of her face. Brittany forced her body away from the wall and crawled her way to the spot just in front of Santana. She didn't touch her or say anything, she just sat there and let her proximity be known by simply sitting there.
Santana continued to cry hysterically into the stale air of her bedroom as Brittany watched her too afraid to touch her. When the tears stopped coming in waves and she was able to control her breathing and whimpering she dropped her head back down till her chin hit her chest. Brittany's nose twitched as she fought off her own emotions. She was only 17-years-old and even though she had been through things she was all too aware of the fact that this was not in the realm of her knowledge. But she knew that anything that had to do with Santana she would push through and do the best she could. It took a little while longer until Brittany could find something to say. It wasn't original and it wasn't anything earth moving or philosophical.
"Do you want to talk about it?" There was hesitation in her voice but only for the simple fact that she was unsure if it was her turn to speak. Santana looked deeply into her eyes, her chin scrunched a little as her lower lip quivered and she shook her head once.
"No." It was a firm no. It sounded like one of those Santana 'no's' that she doesn't budge on and Brittany, in this situation, was not about to tempt the fates of pushing this one. "But," The blonde was surprised to hear the tone change in the one word and shocked by the word in itself. "I have to." Santana said and Brittany watched one lone tear race down her cheek to the tip of her chin and vanish into the fabric of her shirt. "I need to Britt." It was as if she were begging to be heard. Pleading for someone to hear her, to ask her the answers she had been so well at hiding for way too long. "Will you listen?" Before the whole question even left Santana's lips Brittany reached out for one of her hands and rubbed her thumb on the back of it, nodding in the same motion.
"Of course."
Santana sniffled a few times and watched Brittany's hand hold her own, her attempt to ease her nerves. Then, after a bunch of minutes, Santana tilted her head to the side and with a quiet voice explained the events of that one summer back when she was 12-years-old. Brittany bobbed her head up and down as the story began until it soon became apparent that she was listening.
Santana saw Brittany's eyes look away, but not in disgust as she had feared but in that pained way the blonde got when things hurt. She watched her wince as she described every detail down to the color of the leaves that her face had been pressed into. She heard the whimper from Brittany's throat when she explained the way she had been bleeding and didn't know what to do. She followed the tears that fell from Brittany's eyes when she told her how she felt sitting in the car with her mom the day after.
When she finished Brittany's head fell into her hands and she cried openly. Santana watched her shoulders jerk up and down as sobs racked through her body.
That night, after an exhausting day and evening of recalling the things she had come accustomed to blocking and shielding from everyone, including herself Santana laid with her eyes wide open. The arms around her, ones she had always felt comfort in held her just a little bit tighter and would from that night forward.
Her body was on its side, facing the sleeping blonde. Sure, Santana was tired from all of the crying, the yelling, the talking and the consoling. But she couldn't sleep, she didn't really want to. She could see, with the small glint of light the moon provided, the sad and troubled look on Brittany's face as she slept.
But beyond that, past the anguish and disbelief was a curtain of relief Santana could see at the corners of her parted lips and beneath her eyelids. Relief in the sense that she finally figured it out, that she was finally given the answer to the puzzle she had been trying for years to put together. There was a relaxation in her features that put Santana at ease.
She had just spent hours, days even retelling the horrid, sorted details of a sexual past that even the most potent religious preaching's wouldn't be able to absolve. And yet, Brittany was still there and more astonishingly she clung to Santana as though her life depended on it. She felt tainted, used, like garbage, dirty, trashy and disposable to everyone else but to the blonde she felt like God's gift to the world.
Precious and innocent and hopeful. It would be a feeling she would never forget and never let go of and feel again and again and again.
"You need to sleep." Brittany mumbled out, shifting her arms around Santana, her grip never slacking. Santana breathed out a laugh and moved her head onto Brittany's pillow.
"I was watching you." She explained, her eyes flickered to the blonde's lips, twitching up into a smirk, eyes remained closed. "I could watch you forever." She whispered and at that Brittany's eyes popped open and instantly found Santana's. "I lied to you." Santana confessed. "When I yelled at you last night. I told you I could fall in love with you." She watched Brittany's lower lip jut out, desperately fighting off a pout. "Truth is Britt, I'm almost positive I fell in love with you a long time ago. It just took me a while to figure it out." She admitted bashfully and with a sliver of regret. "I guess I was afraid that, after… this," She motioned to herself. "After you saw who I really was, you wouldn't want me anymore." Tears she thought she was dry out of suddenly formed in her eyes and she quickly blinked them away. "That after everything I've done…" She broke down, leaning in and resting her head against Brittany's. "They're all right, I'm a whore… the school slut and you deserve so much better than…"
"Santana, you are not a whore or a slut or any of those things." Brittany quickly told her. "You don't… you didn't deserve any of those things that happened to you." She squeezed tighter, kissing the top of her girlfriend's head. "No one deserves to be called those things, ever. You were sexually assaulted." She explained to the girl who pulled away to look at her. Brittany's head lifted up to lock eyes with the girl in her arms. "You were raped, you didn't ask for it, you didn't deserve it." Her words echoed in the dark room and they stared at each other until Santana began to cry hysterically, wailing against Brittany's chest.
They pretend everything is okay for a while or so but it's not and they both know it. Maybe then, right in that moment it was better, maybe worse, maybe it was a little okay. The uncertainty of how the moment, how right then was supposed to feel was what made them cling onto pretending it was. But perhaps that was the point.
As teenagers they spend all of their time trying to decipher every well placed move and those that are not so well thought out. So in that respect it was kind of comforting to act like nothing was wrong.
They laid there beside one another, staring up at the ceiling with their arms touching and their hands clasped. That's all they truly needed and maybe that was a childish was of thinking, maybe it was too simple and innocent in the scheme of things. But it was all they needed, each other.
Brittany's mouth opened, Santana knew that because the room had been so quiet for such a long period of time. She could hear the blonde beside her part her lips, lick them for moisture and then the short intake of air, words were coming soon.
"Santana?" Brittany spoke carefully and softly.
"Yeah?" The Latina replied in the same cracked voice.
"I love you." She told her and it was sincere and serious. Santana turned her head when she heard Brittany turn hers. "I still love you, just as much as I did before." Their glassy eyes locked. "Even more so."
Santana rolled over onto her side and rested her head onto Brittany's shoulder, draping her arm over the blonde's body. She squeezed her tightly and sniffled against her skin.
"Thank you." She quietly sobbed out. "Oh God thank you." It was different than the first time Brittany had said those words to her, different in the way she was responding. The words were exactly the same but the meaning behind them was altered. Brittany wrapped both of her arms around the girl and held her closely against her.
"And I'm not going anywhere… just so you know." The blonde whispered into the top of Santana's head as she continued to cry against Brittany's chest. "Everything is okay now." And it was, then, right at that particular moment that they stopped pretending that everything was okay and actually started believing that it was, or at least would be eventually.