Okay, this chapter turned a lot more emotional and longer than I intended. I felt it needed to be addressed though…Please, please, review!

Chapter 11

Mike enjoyed being able to tuck both girls in that night, sure they were a bit old for that but they seemed to enjoy it as much as he did. He had done his first bandage change on Hannah completely on his own, and unfortunately one of the blisters had broken and there was seepage, Hannah was trying to be so strong but he could tell she was holding tears back for his benefit. In the hospital, when there was a bad bandage change, he would hold her and rock her to sleep while the staff changed the bandages, but he couldn't do that tonight. And he knew he could call any number of friends to help him, but they had already done so much. It made him feel even worse as a father.

Once the bandages were changed and Hannah had fallen asleep, mostly due to the painkillers that he had to give her to help her with the discomfort, he watched her sleep with the nasal cannula on, and the concentrator humming away. She was such a strong young girl and was completely dependent on him for everything. Even though Emma was younger, she still was able to exhibit some independence. Not Hannah, he still had to feed her because she couldn't lift her spoon to her mouth. It made him angry, at the virus, at the Immunes, at Takehaya, at everything that had kept him from finding her. She had noticed his mood while he changed her bandages and apologized that he had to help her so much. It was certainly was not her fault and he told her that much. She was not convinced. He was a little shorter with her than he intended to be.

Emma went to sleep after Hannah and so he got to spend a little more time with her before she fell asleep. He had tucked her in and spent some time reading to her. He also watched her sleeping, and she was so peaceful. Tom had warned him that Emma ended up in he and Sasha's bed while she stayed with them, the first night because she was nervous and then because of nightmares. Mike was thankful to have such an amazing friend who would care for his daughter like that. He was prepared for it, if she ended up with him.

He went back downstairs and made sure all the doors were locked, he was exhausted and would be going to bed early. The cot at the hospital and Hannah's hospital bed were not comfortable for a man his size. The new bed upstairs looked so inviting. He got himself another piece of the banana bread. It was such a nice touch to everything else that Tom and Sasha had done. He had no idea how to begin to thank them, there were no words. He had thought about moving the boxes that were sitting in his closet back to the garage but he felt like that would be even more of an injustice then not grieving for his wife and son. Seeing all the pictures were also a bit disconcerting, not because he didn't want to see them, but it reminded him that he would not be able to create more happy memories with Christine and Lucas.

Mike checked on both girls again, and turned Hannah's oxygen up because there was a slight wheeze to her breathing. He prayed it wasn't something more, but Rios had warned him the nights might be a little rough for Hannah. At least there was no fever. He turned the baby monitor on, and laughed, because crying would be too easy. Fourteen years before, he and Christine had brought their baby girl home, and used baby monitors to hear if she cried out in the night. Now he was doing the same thing, only most fourteen year olds would be mortified to know that their dad used one to listen to their breathing, had to feed them, help them to the bathroom, all those things. He knew she was embarrassed by it.

Mike had grabbed a notepad downstairs because he planned on writing both girls their birthday letters that he had missed. He also didn't want to look at the boxes in his closet. He knew it was wrong to avoid the inevitable and horrible to two people he had loved so much but he had to focus on the girls at least right now. He would feel guilt for the rest of his life where Christine and Lucas were concerned; Emma and especially Hannah needed him focused in. Plus to look at those boxes and open them and look through the last pieces of what was left of his wife and son would mean he was admitting they were gone. Not something he wanted to do.

He grabbed another piece of the banana bread and a warm glass of milk and the notepad and pen. His mom would be mad because he was eating in his bedroom but he didn't care, he needed to relax. He wanted to finish the letters before the girls woke up. Making sure the baby monitor was on, he could hear Hannah breathing, the wheezing was gone, and he could also hear Emma snoring. The bread and milk was on the nightstand and he started the letters.

"Hannah,

Words cannot describe how proud you make me. I am so sorry how things have turned out for you. I know you will get better and stronger, and you are already such a beautiful young woman. You have a beautiful heart and soul and that is what I am most proud of. You have forgiven me for not being there when you needed me, and while I am not ready to forgive myself, your forgiveness and love mean so much to me.

You have repeatedly told me how sorry you are that I have taken so much time for you, for having to do all the things that you need me to do. It's me that is sorry…if I had been here, you wouldn't be in the shape that you're in. As much as I hate you being in that shape, being able to help you helps me.

I missed two of your birthdays, and although it is not the first time I've missed a birthday, this time I decided to write you your letter now. In years past, I would talk about how proud I was of you playing basketball, riding horses or playing violin. But this year, none of that matters anymore. I am proud of the care you took with Emma, the way you persevered through unbelievable odds, and the way you've bounced back, a team of Navy Seals has nothing on your bravery and courage. I promise, I will never allow you to be in the same position again. It's my job to take care of you; I've failed too many times, and have no intention of doing that now. I thank God every day for you. I also know your mom would be so, so proud of you!

I love you so much,

Daddy"

Mike was surprised how emotional writing the letter made him. It didn't seem to put into words what he felt but he hoped Hannah would understand. He got up and walked to her bedroom and checked on her one more time, and sit the letter on her dresser where she would see it. Emma's letter would be so much easier to write, maybe.

"Emma,

You are such a special girl. I was so scared that you would be jealous because I was spending all my time with Hannah and leaving you with Uncle Tom and Aunt Sasha, but you have been so insistent that I care for Hannah, and I promise I will make up for that at some point…maybe you and I can go to the park later this week and kick the soccer ball around and have some hot chocolate? I do want you to tell me if at any point, you want a little one on one time, no jealousy, ok, sis?

Hannah has told me that you never gave up looking for me, hoping I was alive, and it was that, that kept her going. That determination and hope is one of the many reasons that I love you so much.

You are turning into a young lady too, with such a bright smile that absolutely makes my day to see. It was imagining your smile that kept me going while I was looking for you guys. So I want you to never lose that smile or that amazing happy spirit. It reminds me of your mom, and I need that.

I love you to the moon and back, and around about a trillion times,

Daddy"

Mike put her letter on her dresser, and wrapped the blankets around Emma little tighter. While he was checking on her, a thought occurred to him…maybe he should write Lucas a letter? What would it hurt?

"Lucas,

I am so, so sorry…sorry I wasn't there for you, sorry I haven't cried for you. It wasn't because I loved you any less. When your mom told me you had died, all I wanted to do was hold you…I couldn't, but I would have given anything to do that. Still would.

You were such an amazing little boy, and after having two girls, I was definitely ready for a boy. I had so many plans for you, plans of baseball games and football games, going fishing and hunting, watching you grow up, graduate high school, college and then find some career. I planned on watching you fall love with some sweet, beautiful girl, marry her, and create a beautiful family with her, just as I was able to do with your mom.

I am not sure what I am supposed to do now, I never planned on writing this letter, never planned on you not growing up. It hurts, it makes me mad, that I was robbed of all that. I was robbed of your future, you were robbed of that future and it's not fair. I am not angry at you for dying…I am angry at myself.

I know you are in a better place, and you are with your mom, and your grandparents. I pray that as you died, you didn't wonder where I was, if I loved you, I pray you weren't in any pain. I know I will see you again one day, and hopefully by then I will have forgiven myself for not being there. Don't ever think I didn't love you…I love you so much…I'm just not sure what to do with that love now. Please look over your sisters, and you're Uncle Tom and I guess me too.

I love you,

Dad"

Mike was shocked to realize how angry he sounded in the letter, was he angry at Lucas for dying? At God for letting it happen? Millions of people had died, and some people were worse off than he, he still had his girls. It was like it had turned the faucet onto some emotion that he didn't want to feel? He expected to feel sadness, but not such anger. This felt even worse than not crying for Lucas or Christine. Just total anger, anger at himself for being angry, anger at God, and anger because of the girl's situation…he had never been so angry. His training officer when he was a cop told him that when he got angry, he got more focused…which meant he needed to focus in on the girls.