I sat on the bed, mouth downturned, hands clasped together in my lap.
Jasper was saying some words I didn't want to hear. As he spoke them, he tied his cravat, something I had not yet tired of watching. It had the irritating effect of displacing some of my annoyance and replacing it with desire. Even though my desire had already been quite effectively sated before breakfast.
"You cannot leave me here," I said again. "I do not like to be alone in this strange place."
"Rosa, I've already said I'll come back to collect you once I've seen Charles. Unless we want to spend the next few days in this dingy bolthole, I need to approach him with tact and discretion. Turning up on his doorstep with a surprise spouse and a clutter of baggage will not do."
"But you said he was your friend."
He turned from the mirror and reached for his coat, glancing over at me with his mouth firmly set.
"He is my friend, and I anticipate that he will extend an invitation to both of us to stay with him until our return to Cloisterham. But it would be presumptuous of me to spring the situation upon him without first giving him an explanation, man to man."
"But what am I to do?"
"I won't be long, my love. Read my book, if you like."
I picked it up from the nightstand, wrinkling my nose.
"Stages on Life's Way by Søren Kierkegaard. Is it a romance?"
He smiled, taking his greatcoat and buttoning it to the chin.
"They will give you a newspaper if you ask in the lobby."
"I don't want a newspaper. I want to come with you."
"You have my answer."
"I could wait in the cab while you―"
"No." He crossed the room and bent to kiss me, taking hold of my stiff, unco-operative arms as he did so. "I promise, I shall not be longer than two hours at the most."
"Two hours." I wrenched my arms from him and turned to lie face down on the bed.
He laughed, infuriatingly.
"Such extremity of despair over a wait of two hours, Rosebud. You would never have lasted four years, would you? Now, keep to the room and don't answer the door to anyone. I shall be back before you know it."
I didn't say goodbye, or rise from the bed, but maintained my icy silence until the door closed behind him.
Once I could no longer hear the tread of his boots on the stairs, I went to the window, looking down into the street below. It was busy and somewhat icy. People tried to hurry, but their progress was frequently impaired by slips and slides. The roads would not be easy for the horses today. Unease crept into me, worry about some accident befalling Jasper, like the one that had carried off the widow's husband.
I saw him hold on to the railing as he negotiated the steps, hurrying towards a nearby hansom cab with his arm aloft. It was odd to see him down in the street, separate from me, swallowed up by the world. I felt forlorn and alone, deserted by him.
He climbed into the cab and the horses made a slow, careful pull away from the kerb, heading south to this other cathedral. As the vehicle rounded a corner, I felt a dreadful dragging sensation at my heart, as if I might never see him again.
So affecting was this dread that I could barely decide whether to sit or stand or pace about the room. O, I should have said goodbye to him. I should at least have given him some sweet word of parting. And now we had left on horrid terms and…
I put my face in my hands and tried to breathe, the very same breathing exercises he had made me repeat every week at the Nuns' House. I had hardly imagined they would ever be useful for anything, but they helped my blood to settle and my mind to ease somewhat.
My fears turned back to pique. Why had he left me here? It was not fair. Was I really to sit here in this narrow, mean room for two hours – probably more – while he enjoyed high humour and bonhomie with his old friend?
I would find my own amusement. Looking again through the window, I thought that the lively district of Oxford Street and Regent Street lay just a street or two away. Eddy had once told me of a marvellous place, a bazaar called the Pantheon, where many interesting and wonderful things could be seen and purchased. He had said it was close by Oxford Street.
I did not hesitate. I laced my boots and took my cloak and was down the stairs before my conscience or my better sense could interfere with my decision.
Outside it was terribly cold, but I enjoyed the stimulation to my nerves, and I skittered along with everyone else, just one anonymous girl in the crowds. It was rather a liberating feeling when one compared it with Cloisterham, where every second person tipped their hat to me or offered a word of greeting.
The pleasant anonymity did not last very long, though, for I found myself the frequent target of ribald remarks by passing men of low character, and some by women!
London, I perceived, was a coarse and shrieking kind of place, but there was also gallantry and gentility to leaven it.
The Pantheon was indeed quite marvellous. It was entered by a little passageway beside a tailor's shop, and inside one could quite easily lose oneself in the maze of counters and alleys. Looking upwards, I could see a gallery area where people were seated, watching the perambulations of the customers below. Just a little further on was a precious conservatory, full of flowers and plants, where goldfish and even a macaw could be seen. I wandered through this commercial wonderland, forgetful now of my ill humour, caught up in the novel sights and sounds around me.
I had picked up a tuning fork at a bric-a-brac stall, wondering if I might buy it as a peace offering to Jasper on his return, when I heard my name called from the gallery.
"Rosa! Hie! Rosa Bud!"
I dropped the tuning fork with a clatter and glanced up in heartfelt dismay.
For the voice belonged to a gentleman with a head of bright blond hair, in an expensively cut blue suit.
I turned at once and hastened away, searching desperately for the exit to the streets outside, but the place was a veritable labyrinth and I found myself, to my horror, bumping straight into Eddy in front of a stall selling spice nuts.
"It is you!" he exclaimed.
"Oh dear." I wrung my hands, looking about me for means of escape and finding none.
"Whatever are you doing here, Pussy? Are you up to see Grewgious?"
I made no reply.
"Well, now we have so fortuitously met, come upstairs and I'll stand you a pot of tea. Come on. Let's bury the hatchet and toast a new beginning."
He had no inkling of what had passed since he left Cloisterham – that much was cause for some relief.
"You consider we have a hatchet to bury?" I said tentatively, following him up some fancy wrought-iron steps.
"I am sorry I left Cloisterham in such haste at Christmas. I hope you did not fret over it."
We sat down by the railings, able to look over and watch the ebb and flow of top hats and bonnets, cloth caps and shawls.
"I presumed you were more upset than I realised, over the broken engagement."
"I was in a bit of a stew over it, I cannot deny. I've had time to let things settle, though, and I'm over the worst. So, dear sister, let me pour you some tea."
"You're sweeter than I deserve," I said, biting my lip. "You have had no word from Cloisterham…since then?"
"No, indeed, and I do think Uncle Jack might have written! He is usually such an assiduous correspondent, yet I have heard nothing since, heavens, I think it was the day after Boxing Day. I hope he is not ill. Is he ill, Pussy?"
He looked so haunted, real anxiety in his trusting eyes.
"No," I said, grimacing at the strength of the tea. "No, he is well."
"But you have not told me what you are doing in town. I thought a spectre walked among us when I saw you down below."
"Oh…I…Mr Grewgious…"
"Has our…disengagement…created legal difficulties?"
I fumbled with the teacup and removed my gloves without thinking. Gloves he had bought me.
The glint of my wedding ring almost blinded me with the implication of my ill-considered gesture.
Edwin stared.
"You wear a ring…on your…it is a wedding ring…but it's not possible…"
He looked up at me, wreathed in confusion.
I pushed back my chair.
"Eddy, I cannot stay. I shall be late."
"Late for what? Late for whom?"
"I am sorry, I must go."
Grabbing the gloves, I made the quickest path I could to the staircase, but the place heaved with humanity and I had to push and shove in a most unladylike fashion, Edwin at my heels.
"Rosy!" he shouted after me. "Come back and explain what has happened. Are you married? Did you throw me over for another fellow? Tell me his name and I'll kill him!"
Mortifying clusters of people stopped to stare and spectate as we whirled through the passages, faster and faster.
At one point, just as he almost caught me, a group of gentlemen stopped him and demanded to know what the devil he thought he was doing, molesting a young lady.
Gratefully I made good my advantage and emerged on to the outside streets, picking a path through the treacherous ice and cantering carriages to the street where the hotel was situated. But, at the corner, I noticed that Edwin pursued me once more, calling my name more urgently than before.
I skidded up the street, and halfway to the hotel I saw Jasper coming out of it, looking around him with a countenance that mingled anger and dread to bloodcurdling effect. At the foot of the steps he halted, spying me in the crowd, and I saw his fears turn to relief, palpably crossing his face as I ran towards him.
"Where have you been? I have come looking for you," he said, putting out his arms to catch me as I flew, half-skating, across the pavement.
But before I could warn him, Eddy was upon us, pulling up with flushed and disbelieving face.
"Ned," said Jasper, sepulchrally low.
The silence was like the fall of an axe.
Eddy could do no more than stare. Jasper held me by my arms, his fingers pressing into me. I trembled in his grasp.
"Am I to understand…?" said Eddy hoarsely, once every last vestige of colour had drained from his face.
"Rosa, go inside," said Jasper, releasing my arms and sending me away with a little nudge between my shoulder blades.
"I do not like to," I said, standing my ground. "I want to stay."
"You will obey me in this, if in nothing else today." He raised his voice and flung his arm dramatically towards the hotel door so that I was too intimidated to too anything but scamper up the steps. I did not go up to the room, though, but lurked instead at the top of the steps, fearful of what might ensue.
"Ned, will you come with me to the corner house and discuss this like gentlemen?"
"Like gentlemen? You! What gentleman would…would…pluck his own nephew's sweetheart from under his nose and…you dog! You utter dog!"
"Edwin, you make a spectacle of us, come away now and let us…"
"It is you who makes the spectacle. The spectacle of a thieving, black-hearted rogue, Sir. Are you actually married? Did you actually marry my Rosa? Or perhaps you have simply seduced her and run away with her, away from the consequences of your wickedness? Well, I can provide those consequences, Jack. I shall provide them, you may count on it."
"Ned, calm yourself."
"Do not 'Ned' me! As if you were worthy of my confidence and friendship. You are false and treacherous. And as for her…"
"Speak ill of her, Ned, and I shall have no alternative but to…"
"She is no better than a common floozy!"
I screamed as Jasper floored Edwin, rather effortlessly it seemed, with a well-judged blow to the nose.
Running back down to the street, I saw Edwin sitting on the pavement, groaning, one hand over his bloodied nose, while Jasper poured forth a tirade of astonishing invective, accusing him of being spoilt, selfish, arrogant and a great host of other things to boot.
"I am sorry," he said, once his venom had been exhausted and Edwin had started to weep. "Truly sorry for the way this has ended our lifelong attachment. Perhaps I deserve your hatred, God knows you have earned mine. But if I ever hear that you have spoken vilely of my wife again, you will not recover so well from my resulting retribution. You will not recover from it at all."
It sounded rather like a threat of murder to me. A woman in the small crowd that had gathered took my arm and pulled me back.
"Come away, dearie. He's got a nasty temper on 'im, by the looks of things. Don't let him turn it on you."
"Oh, he wouldn't. But poor Eddy…"
"Least he was defending your honour," she said. "Newlyweds, are you?"
But the last thing on my mind was polite chit-chat. Eddy had struggled to his feet and was jabbing his finger at Jasper, overwrought with emotion and humiliation.
"I'll see you rot in hell," he sobbed.
I broke away from the woman and laid my hand on Jasper's wrist.
"Please stop this now," I urged. "It is done."
He tore his eyes away from Edwin and gave me a look that made me shiver from the crown of my head to my toes. For one instant, I thought he might hurt me.
But instead he took my hand, swivelled on his heel and swept with me through the crowd and up to the hotel. I had to run up the stairs in his wake if I didn't want my hand wrenched off at the wrist.
He opened the room door, yanked me inside, slammed it shut.
"I did not know he was…" I started to gabble, cowed by his air of uncontained ferocity.
"Do. Not. Speak."
He pulled me into him, placing his hands on my waist and for a wild moment I thought he meant to dance with me, but he lifted me, bracing one forearm beneath my bottom, making my skirts ride up and my legs wrap around his hips. He carried me the few paces to the wall and pressed me against it, his forehead on mine, his hand delving beneath my petticoats before I had even had time to understand what transpired.
"What is…?"
But he silenced my mouth with his, using his lips, his tongue as weapons of offence that I could not fight but only yield to. The fear that made me shake was turning now to something else, an alchemical transformation that took place in my pounding heart, my surging blood and, most of all, my moistening nether parts.
Those parts stood in peril now, as Jasper's hand found the leg of my drawers and moved swiftly to where he knew the slit was situated. I crossed my ankles together behind his back, clinging as closely as I could, hanging on to his neck. I encouraged his violent kissing now, glorying in the bruising passion of it. When his fingers breached the slit and fell with plundering greed between my lower lips, I moaned into his throat.
He repaid my vocalisation with a grunt of his own, spearing my well-used passage with two, then three fingers, before withdrawing them entirely, rather to my dismay.
It appeared that he had been only assessing my readiness for what he had in mind, for his freed hand went immediately to his waistband, unsnapping his braces so that his trousers and underthings fell to the floor.
He dug his fingers into my hips and drove into me, a pitiless sheathing, hard and fast, quite unlike the considerate lover I had known hitherto. My head banged against the wall, but I cared little for anything but this rapt surrender, this utter collapse of my will in the face of his conquest.
I think I understood what he was telling me now. Every forceful seating of his manhood within me while I writhed with my back against the wall contained a message of rebuke for my earlier wilfulness. I was to understand, by his fierce grip and his blistering rhythm, that I had brought this upon myself and that I should expect similar establishment of our roles if I repeated today's misdemeanours.
The kiss, if a kiss it could be called, in all its red-blooded rage, ended only in order for Jasper to bury his mouth in my neck, nipping and sucking at my soft skin. My breath came now in loud pants, for each forward jolt crushed it from my lungs. I held on so tightly but my strength was sapping, my limbs trembling too much, my head light as air. Once more his hand sought the split in my drawers, found it, took a hold of me, his palm flat against my pearl and let it glide, in such a contrast to the rough possession of his manhood, gently over and over until I spilt my hard-won release on to him.
He raised his head and kissed my face at that and said, "Remember this," before holding me very still and very close, almost flattened between him and the wall while I took the last of him, accepting his guttural sounds of completion into my ear.
He stepped back and caught me as I fell, unable to hold on any more, into his arms. My head was spinning as he laid me on the bed and my back ached and so did my legs and arms, but I felt a peace, deep within me, and I shut my eyes and let it overtake me.
His full weight collapsed beside me, sloping the mattress. I rolled towards him. He pulled some hairs that had stuck to my skin from my cheek, all gentleness again.
"Rosebud," he whispered. "Did I hurt you?"
"No," I said, though a certain rawness below told differently. I opened my eyelids slowly. He looked troubled.
"I'm glad of it. Sometimes I am less…controlled…than I would wish. I hope I did not frighten you."
"You did, a little," I admitted. "But not for long. And not as much as when you hit Eddy."
He covered his face with a forearm.
"Sometimes there is such darkness in me, Rosebud," he said. "I had hoped that having you…" I saw his adams apple bob and instinctively put out a hand, feeling the wild pumping of his heart.
"Tell me, John," I said. "Tell me what brings the darkness into you."
"Ah, you will leave me."
"I will not. Let me help you."
He huffed and removed the forearm from his eyes, turning his head to look at me severely.
"What might have helped today, Rosebud, is your staying at the hotel while I was out, as I asked you to."
"I know," I said, subdued. "I did not expect to bump into Eddy!"
"Bumping into Eddy is only one of the misfortunes that might have befallen you, wandering alone in a city you are barely familiar with."
I was unused to making apology, having been used to having my every whim indulged at the Nuns' House, but moved closer to him and whispered, "I know. I'm sorry."
"And I am too," he said, entwining with me.
"Not too sorry, I hope," I said. "Not for the…what you just did with me."
"Oh? I should do it again?"
"As long as you don't knock a man out first, I should not object."
A/N: Ugh, I rewrote this chapter about eighteen times and still couldn't get it quite the way I wanted. Sorry. I didn't want Jasper suddenly becoming this paragon of gentlemanly virtue – he is still a man with quite a lot of issues, shall we say. But I want it clear that he isn't some irredeemable abusive bastard either. It's quite a fine line to tread, not sure I'm pulling it off here. Anyway – onwards!