"Well, this is…nice," said Bruce Wayne, raising his glass as he sat next to Selina Kyle, and across from Two-Face and Poison Ivy at the incredibly exclusive restaurant at Dini Towers. "To old friends…and hopefully new ones."
"Hear, hear," agreed Two-Face, clinking glasses with him. "I'm so happy you agreed to join us, Bruce. I didn't like the way things ended the other day at breakfast, and I blame the clowns."
"Yes, me too," agreed Bruce, nodding. "They are a constant thorn in one's side. And Batman's too, I'd imagine."
"Well, Batman deserves all the thorns in his side, and everywhere else in his body," retorted Ivy.
"Hey, maybe that'll be Joker's scheme for him tonight," suggested Two-Face. "Although it is a little you, Pam."
Bruce froze with his drink halfway to his lips. "Joker's…planning something for Batman tonight?" he asked slowly.
"Yeah, probably something senselessly and hugely violent," said Two-Face, nodding. "That's his usual style."
Bruce and Selina shared a look. "Well…maybe I'll give Harley a call and see if she'll spill the beans on what they're up to," said Selina, taking out her phone. "Y'know, just so we can…share in the joke and laugh about it too. I'm just curious."
"Curiosity killed the cat, you know," replied Ivy.
"That's what Harvey must love about you, Ivy, your witty remarks," said Selina, sarcastically.
"I love a lotta things about Pam," said Two-Face. "Probably too many to mention. One of those things is her passion for the stuff she cares about, both people and plants."
"Yes, Joker's spread around that info about her literal passion for plants," said Selina, nodding.
"Joker's not here, so let's not repeat the crap he says," snapped Ivy. "I thought you were calling Harley."
"I am – excuse me," said Selina, standing up and dialing Harley's number.
"So Mr. Wayne, is your corporation still strip-mining that section of the Brazilian rainforest?" asked Ivy, taking a sip from her drink.
"Um…I'm not sure," said Bruce, honestly. "I haven't been to a meeting at Wayne Enterprises in months – I've been busy."
"Well, I think they probably are, and I think you should probably stop them," said Ivy. "As head of the company, and with your name on the big building it's headquartered in, anything they do, they do in your name. Do you really want the name of Wayne to be associated with the death of one of the most endangered plant ecosystems on earth?"
"I don't, no," said Bruce. "Harvey's right about that passion you have, Miss Ivy," he added, quickly trying to change the subject.
"Oh please, just Ivy's fine," said Ivy, waving her hand. "I don't want any formalities between Harvey's friends and me."
Bruce nodded slowly, glancing at Selina, who was still on the phone. "The last time the three of us were together having dinner like this…the night ended with Harvey in the emergency room after being poisoned by your kiss," he said, turning back to Ivy. "He almost died because you intentionally tried to kill him. So I think you can see why I'm a little…uncomfortable with this whole situation. It brings back bad memories, for one thing."
"If Harvey's forgiven me for that, why can't you?" asked Ivy. "He's the one I hurt, after all."
"And if I don't stop this strip mining, won't you be tempted to do the same to me?" asked Bruce. "Kill me as vengeance for destroying your plants?"
"Maybe," replied Ivy lightly, sipping her drink again. "But not with a kiss," she added.
"Bruce, why can't you accept the fact that people change?" asked Two-Face.
"Because I've seen so few examples of that," retorted Bruce. "Especially among…the people Batman fights. They never change, in their pointless, predictable schemes nor in the terror they inflict upon Gotham."
"Well, you seem to make an exception for that kitten on your arm," retorted Ivy, nodding at Selina on the phone. "She's one of Batman's occasional foes who engages in casual cat burglary, but you're more than happy to embrace that pussy, as it were. Why can't you let your friend do the same?"
"Harley was happy to blab – Joker's actually not far from here," said Selina, returning at that moment. "Which is convenient…for us being able to watch the entertainment, of course," she finished. "He's at that church a few blocks down for a caper entitled 'Bats in the Belfry,' apparently, and Harley says it involves some explosives and hostage churchgoers to lure Bats in so Joker can kill him in the tower."
"Wow, that does sound amusing," said Bruce. "Excuse me for one moment – I'm just going to use the restroom. Order for me if the waiter comes, please, Selina," he said, kissing the top of her head and then hurrying off to the bathroom. He reached it, ducked into a stall, and then pulled off his tuxedo to reveal the Batsuit underneath. He had hoped he wouldn't need it, but he also knew it was better to be prepared for anything on an evening out in Gotham, especially with Joker on the loose.
He headed over to the bathroom window and opened it, climbing out into the night and grappling over to a nearby building. He could see the church belltower not far off as he sprinted across the rooftops – with any luck, he could subdue the Joker, leave him and Harley tied up somewhere safe, finish having dinner before he was missed, and then return them to Arkham afterwards.
"I'm just wondering why you people are so scared," Joker was saying to the group of terrified hostages as Batman perched on a nearby gargoyle to scout out the situation. "If you're all true believers, you'll be going to a much better place after I murder you horribly. So what's to worry?"
"Maybe they ain't all true believers, puddin'," suggested Harley. "Or maybe they're sinners who haven't had time to make their peace with God. Of course, I'm Jewish, so if you ask me, you're all going to hell anyway for worshipping that Jesus guy."
"Well, I hate to keep you all in suspense about that – no time like the present to find out, right?" asked Joker, cocking the gun he was holding. Batman took a deep breath and suddenly flew through the window, knocking Joker to the ground and sending the gun spinning from his hand.
"Let him go, Batsy, or this place goes up in flames!" shouted Harley, holding a detonator in her hand. "Along with you and all these hostages!"
"And you and Joker!" pointed out Batman.
"I ain't afraid to die – I'm one of God's chosen people," sniffed Harley.
"Yeah, but Joker's not Jewish," reminded Batman. "So you'll be going to heaven, and he won't. You'll literally be parted forever, and you couldn't bear that, could you?"
"Don't listen to him, Harl!" shouted Joker, trying to wriggle out from under Batman. "I'm funny enough to fool anyone into thinking I'm Jewish! Plus I know enough Yiddish expressions that I can probably fake it! Oy vey!" he shouted, as Batman grabbed his arm and twisted it behind his back.
"He's right though – I don't think we can risk it, puddin'," said Harley, slowly lowering the detonator.
Batman took out the batcuffs and wrapped one around Joker's wrist, and the other around Harley's, and then twisted the cuffs around the rope hanging from the bell above. Batman took the detonator from Harley and then hurried over to free the hostages. Harley immediately began cooing over Joker's wound, while Joker began tugging on the bell rope for seemingly no other purpose than to annoy everyone with the racket.
For once, Joker's incessant urge to annoy people could work in my favor thought Batman, grabbing the neighboring bell rope and tying it around Joker and Harley's free wrists to secure them. Now those two can't move without ringing that bell - I can hear it from the restaurant, and I'll know they're still secure.
"You two stay right there," snapped Batman. "I'll be back later."
"What?" demanded Joker. "You mean you're not gonna take us back to Arkham?"
"Not right now – I have someplace to be," snapped Batman, heading for the window.
"Well, you'll be sorry when we escape!" called Joker after him. "You thought blowing up a church was bad – next time it'll be a kindergarten!"
"Those aren't in session this late!" shouted back Batman.
"The property damage will still take a huge financial toll on the city's already strained educational resources budget!" shouted Joker. "It'll do irreparable damage to the welfare of this city's children, who are its future! But if you want them stuck in this cesspool of crime and violence forever, so be it, Mr. So-Called Gotham Savior! I don't know why any kid thinks you're a hero, because they definitely won't after this!"
"He's gone, puddin'," commented Harley. "But I agree with you. Education is the key to both personal and societal improvement."
"Leaving us tied up here without returning us to Arkham, and then walking out on my conversation," muttered Joker. "Just thwarting and running. It's just rude, I tell you, Harley. I hate people who start things without finishing them."
"Well, since we're all tied up like this, I'm sure I can think of something to cheer us up," commented Harley. "You could start up my engine, puddin'…and then finish it."
Joker sighed heavily, and then looked up at the ropes – with the two of them and the bells tugging against them, they would probably snap with enough force. And force was something the Joker was very skilled at using, especially when he was revving up a Harley. "Well, it's better than just sitting here," he agreed with a smile.