Disclaimer: I don't own Vampire Academy or any of its characters. Just having a bit of fun with the characters. I own nothing but the plot and the new characters
Warning: Spoilers for Vampire Academy and Bloodlines
Chapter 11: Journaling
Present
RPOV
November 11
I made breakfast today. Nothing big. Just some sandwiches. I wouldn't dare to do anything harder than that with the risk of burning the kitchen down. And I think that you're now wondering: why did Rose Hathaway, ehh Belikova completely on her own make an actually edible breakfast? To answer your question. Dimitri actually slept in today. And I woke up before him. For like the first time ever. So I made breakfast in bed for him.
November 15
I stepped out of the house. Only for five minutes. And I was curled up in a little ball and Dimitri held me the entire time. But I went outside, for a whole of 5 minutes. I'm going to try to go outside for at least 5 minutes a day now. I feel like I'm ready. At least for 5 minutes day.
November 30
There was an attack on court today. I hid in the closet. The alarms caused a panic attack to erupt and I was way too afraid to locate the nearest safe zone the court had. So I spend one hour in the closet before Dimitri could come back and ease me out of there.
Dimitri has started doing guardian shifts again. Now that I can somewhat be on my own for a couple of hours he has taken shorter shifts during the day, and then I mean during the part of the day that includes sunlight. If he's out during the night (when the sun isn't out, thus the moroi day) I can't relax until he's home and safe.
Basically we're on a human schedule. We sleep while the moroi's awake and we're awake when they sleep. Which is really helpful because then I can sit outside the door and not have to worry about every person turning their heads twice to look at me. I can go out whenever I want to.
The shifts on Dimitri's parts wasn't for the need of money. As royal guards Dimitri and I had been paid a little better than most guardians. So we had some saving to take from. It didn't mean that we were financially independent, but we lived somewhat comfortable lives. And even if we hadn't had the saving neither Lissa nor Abe would have hesitated to give us some of theirs.
Dimitris shifts had been recommended by my therapist. Up until that point Dimitri had been with me every second of the day. She thought that if I would ever be able to handle myself again I should at least try to be on my own. We had started out light. Dimitri would do the grocery shopping (the stuff Lissa had bought when I first came back had finely been used up) and be gone for twenty minutes and then come back. After a while he would do longer trips and eventually he started taking shifts. It'd nice knowing that I can be on my own without any one hovering above me.
December 10
Good news and bad news today. Good news is that for the last 9 days I've been able to go outside for at least 20 minutes! Sometimes even twice a day. My record is 35 minutes. I would have held out for longer if a moroi didn't suddenly decide that is was time for a little night walk.
Bad news. I had a fight with Dimitri. Not an "I break up with you" kind of fight, more like a "Why can't you understand me, please see my side of the story too" kind of fight.
I thought that he hovered too much. He thought that he cared. I yelled a little bit. He actually yelled back. I think we actually kept the fight going for a good 10 minutes before it became too much. I had to use a safe word, so we backed away from each other. The apartment was probably dead silent for 15 minutes before I caved and walked over to Dimitri. Long story short, we both cried and agreed to not fight over the fact that we love each other again. Because in the end, Dimitri loves me and he's only trying to take care of me, in his own way. Which includes a lot of hoovering and worrying on his part.
It's only recently that I've come to terms with the fact that Dimitri loves me. In the beginning I was convinced that he couldn't love the "new" me. But the more times that goes I realize how much more of my old self that is coming back. Old habits come back. I make jokes now, much to Adrian's and Christian's delight. Just simple things like wanting to take a morning run. But I'm not ready for that just yet.
The point is: I feel lovable again. And it's an amazing feeling.
That suddenly became a much deeper note than I intended to. But I'm not going to erase it. If whoever reading this doesn't feel fine with it, read something else. This is my words. Go borrow one of Dimitri's westerns.
December 25
I love Christmas. I like giving and receiving presents. And I love the food. And all the family gatherings. And the food. Have I mentioned that I love the food?
It didn't become a long celebration with hours in front of the fire and a huge dinners that dragged on forever. That was still too much for me. But I managed to handle a few minutes with everyone to exchange presents. And then I mean everyone. Mon, dad, Lissa, Christian, Adrian, Sydney, Declan, Eddie and Mia. You name it.
About the food. I finally got my appetite back. Maybe not in the same amount as before but it's there. My stomach wouldn't physically be able to handle that much food in one go. After living on fluent nutrition injected directly in your body for three years it's a little wired to chew and swallow. But the love, longing and cravings for food is there, believe me. Dimitri has a good laugh every morning when my stomach rumbles.
December 28
I'm starting to go out more and more. Of course this take place under the moroi night so I don't have to meet anyone. But I actually walk down the corridors and in to the little garden outside the apartment. It's really beautiful in the sun. The way the sun hits the drops of water coming from the fountain making small rainbows in the air.
I have to deal with Lissa's other guardians but they only nod at me when they see me. So I only nod back and watch them pass on their rounds.
January 7
Another attack on court today. A small one but an attack nonetheless. This one caused unease to spread over court since it wasn't that long since the last attack occurred. No one knows what they want or if this was a planned attack on the strigoi's part. It's still very rare that they attack in groups. They only do that if they have a strong leader behind them. That is what causes everyone to worry. A big leader within the strigoi is never good.
January 12
I am so grateful for having you back. I'm sure that everyone else is to but they had each other. Lissa had Christian, Sydney and Adrian had one another and they even had Declan. Even your parents had each other. I had no one. Life without you didn't have any meaning. I was just a dead man walking around fulfilling your last wish, protecting Lissa and Christian. Now that your back I can finally see colours again
You're so strong Roza. Not many people would have been able to endure what you did and live to tell the tale. I know that everything can't go back to exactly how it was before but I know some things. I'll never let you go. Never again will I see you get dragged away from me when I have to walk in the other direction. You're stuck with me now.
I should have searched harder for you and not just accept that you were dead when Lissa felt the bond break. After everything we have been through and after every miracle we have had I should have known better. For us there is always a way. We have defeated death together to come back. What can ever stand in our way?
My deepest regret in this life will be these lost year without you. In our world time is so precious and we need to saviour every moment of it. Three years could be a lifetime for a guardian. I can only hope that we get more than three years together now.
In any case, I just wanted to say that I love you. When you first came back you said that I couldn't love you. That I loved the girl from three years ago and my heart broke hearing those words. I will always love you, no matter how much time we spend apart. And I think you realize that the more time goes on the more you go back to your old self. To the girl you said I loved. But even if you don't believe me you need to believe that I can learn to love the new you too. I already do. And you can't stop me. You can't stop me from saying that you are beautiful or that I love you. Because I only tell the truth.
~Love, your Comrade
January 13
You won't believe me if I told you how much I cried reading Dimitri's note. Just the fact that he took the time to write a note makes me so happy I can't even begin to describe it.
I took a morning run today, with Dimitri. My stamina is nowhere where it used to be but I'll get there. I have the urge to go to the gym but I don't think I'm ready yet. Maybe soon. My body is itching with the need to move around and do something. After so long time inside the apartment it seems almost claustrophobic without anyone to be with. Dimitri has taken more shifts now so that means more time alone. I have goon over to Lissa's just for a change. We have just hung out while she's doing her queen stuff. It's nice.
January 29
I've changed to a moroi schedule now. Thus, I sleep in the day and I'm awake during the night. It was mostly for Dimitri. Between him working shifts and trying to stay awake while I was awake he didn't get much sleep. So I decided, on my own, that we both would change to a moroi schedule to make it easier for him with the shifts and it would force me to take another step on my way to recovery.
If I wanted to go out now I had to do it while the moroi was awake. Which would force me to interact with them.
Adrian have taken it upon himself to update me with the latest moroi gossip. The rumours about my return have a mostly died down. But I am still talked about. Mostly they talk about if I would ever come back or if the strigoi had actually managed to kill the famous Rose Belikova. After all, I had made quite a name for myself in the vampire world.
February 11
I met the Belikovs today. All of them. And let me say that they were quite hectic. Not that I blame it for it. I know that if it some one of them would have been missing I would have been just as ecstatic.
The reunion consisted mostly of hugs, tears and "I miss you"s. But I think it was for the best that I waited to meet them. Because all that proximity and talk would only have given me a panic attack a few months ago.
February 26
Another attack on court today. Lissa has made someone look in to the attacks, if there are any similarities between them and similar stuff. I don't exactly know what. So far nothing has been stolen. They have just come and gone. Which is really frustrating.
On a more positive note, I went outside today, with the moroi walking around. All of them stared but I just walked on. Some of them smiled and I actually smiled back. This doesn't mean I'm back to normal, because I can in no way be close to or hug a stranger but I can smile and that's something.
My stamina has improved a bit but I'm no were near being able to gain my full strength back. I haven't even gone to the gym yet. But I think I will go soon.
Things look good now. All my relationships with my friends and family look good. Lissa and I are somewhat back to normal, whatever that is. No more fights for Dimitri and me. And I regularly hang out with my parents. Even if it's just to watch a movie.
I really hope that I will be well before the summer because I would really like to go to the beach. Or just lay in the sun. Lissa is slowly but surely healing away my scars so maybe I can actually wear a bikini and not freak out about it.
Anyway, everything is fine and I'm sure I'll be back soon.
AN: So quite a time skip there. What do you think? Was it a good idea to do it with a journal?
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