Chapter Thirty-One

There were sounds of delight from Vila's cabin. Corinne laughing and saying, "That was wonderful! Can you show me more?"

Vila could be heard saying, "Are you sure you can handle it? It's just your first time and I wouldn't want to tire you out. It is late and if your father found you here, he'd probably draw and quarter me."

Corinne's voice was puzzled. "Draw and quarter?"

Vila explained, "It's an old Earth thing. They take a…well…they do this…you really don't want to know."

Corinne's voice was still puzzled. "But I don't think my father would mind this."

Vila said, "I don't know a lot about your father. He might think I'm corrupting you."

Corinne sounded very innocent. "What we're doing isn't wrong, is it? I don't think my parents would mind. We're just having fun."

"It's not what we're doing that they might object to. Here, you'd better take it off. We can do it again tomorrow if you like."

"Oh yes, very much." There was a brief pause.

**********

Inside Vila's cabin, Corinne had just hugged him. Vila felt awkward. He wasn't sure if it was a good idea to hug her back. They were in his cabin. It might not be a good idea yet. He was not ready to introduce her to the things that were at the top of his list of favourite things to do. She was different from Kerril. It didn't seem appropriate somehow and he didn't want to make a mistake with someone he was really starting to like.

He suspected that Corinne's inexperience extended to a lot of areas that covered the interactions between men and women.

The other cause was because he was still wearing the virtual imaging gear that he had gotten from the Pleasure City folks. Corinne had already taken hers off and was holding it in her hands while hugging him.

"Oh, that's uncomfortable," said Corinne as she let go of him. She touched one of the many round disks that served as image projectors. "Why don't you take this off and I can give you a proper hug?"

Vila said apprehensively, "I'd rather leave it on, thanks. Besides it's late. You'd better go before your father or mother come looking for you." The imaging gear served as a protection from his own intentions as much as Corinne's.

Corinne was a very determined young woman. "It's alright. They're probably asleep by now and besides, they trust you."

Vila said, "And I'd like to keep it that way, if you don't mind. If I keep you up to all hours who knows what they might do to me. I'm surprised your father hasn't come knocking on my door demanding what I've done with you." He was thinking that Corinne could get him into a lot of trouble if he wasn't careful. She was very affectionate.

Corinne put the imaging gear on the table next to the half finished plate of biscuits. "Oh, he wouldn't do that. At least, I don't think so. I am an adult."

"Yes, but you haven't been out much and your father seems very protective of you."

Corinne frowned in recognition of this fact. "I guess that's true."

Vila said, "We'd better get some sleep."

Corinne's smile was warm. "Thank you for showing me where you come from. Those images were so real, I felt like I was really walking on a street on your planet. I'd love to visit it one day."

"It's Federation. But it's my piece of it so it's not too bad." Vila realized that compared to Chandar, it probably did look like a much better place. At least women could walk around freely, or as freely as anyone could in the Federation. "I'd love to show it to you some day."

"That would be wonderful but you're right, I am a bit tired."

Vila looked concerned. "Sorry about that. The sensory outputs are a bit strong. I've been meaning to have Avon look at it but he's been too busy."

"Good night, Vila."

"Good night, Corinne."

**********

Argus and Sester stared at each other as Reya looked between the two of them. It was another one of those awkward and unpleasant moments when they were both united in purpose. A situation that neither of them liked.

Sester said, "Reya…"

Before he could get past her name, Reya said, "You can save your breath. Both of you. I'm going to do this."

Argus decided that Sester's lame attempt needed his help. "But Reya, you can't even get out of bed without help."

Reya's jaw was set and determined. "Not right now, I can't. But in a few days and with a nice strong dose of adrenaline, I will be able to."

Sester said, "Yes. You can stand but that doesn't mean that you can fight."

Reya was prepared to answer all questions. "But I don't need to fight a battle, or even a match. I just need to expose the aliens."

Argus said, "But we don't even know who they are."

Reya smiled. "That's where the two of you come in. You can find out for me."

Argus and Sester stared at each other. Argus asked, "You want me to work with him?"

Sester grinned, "You make that sound like such a pleasant prospect. I'm flattered."

Argus glared at him.

**********

The next morning, accompanied by Cally, Avon returned to the medical unit. She insisted on a full series of life scans before pronouncing him well enough to be let out for a few hours, under supervision.

Avon was not exactly in the best of humours this morning. Despite what they had shared the previous night, having his freedom curtailed, no matter how good the reason, was exasperating to a man who craved independence. It did not help his mood to find Sester propped up on his bio-bed, eating breakfast.

Avon asked irritably, "What are you doing here?"

Sester gave him an easy smile. "I'm having breakfast."

"I can see that. Even a blind man can see that."

Sester had an amused attitude this morning. "Really? Then the parameters under which we define a blind man need to be revised."

Avon was definitely not amused. The ready antagonism he had for this man shaped his lips into a snarl. He surmised, "Someone must have kicked you out of the other bed."

Sester grinned. "He is obvious, isn't he?"

Avon said in warning, "Leave him alone."

The truth was that the Sester had decided to give Reya and Argus some time alone, or at least relatively alone, this morning. Sester's grin widened. "Cally's cure must have worked last night. You're back to your old lovable self."

Avon said in a tone that could give icicles chills, "Leave. This is my bed."

Sester said pleasantly, "Of course." Balancing the food tray carefully, he slid off the bed. Sester stood off to the side, watching the proceedings while munching the rest of his toast. Avon climbed onto the bed and Cally directed him to lie down.

Avon glared at his unwanted audience. "Don't you have something better to do?"

"I'm hungry."

Avon said brusquely, "Multi-task."

Sester grinned, "Alright. I can take the hint."

Cally said to him, "Don't go too far. You're next."

After Sester moved off, Avon said grumpily, "I do not require supervision."

Cally put her hand on his arm gently and with her mind sent him a sense of understanding. She knew that being weak and dependent on others was very hard for him. And the lack of freedom might remind him of the Detention Centre. "Avon, I promise, if your health will not be compromised, you can leave the medical unit today. But can you to promise me that you will be careful? Let me know the moment you feel something is wrong?"

After all of the things that had happened to him, it was much harder for Avon to keep his distance from people he cared about. In the past he had tried to limit his caring to actions alone. Objective actions applied when they were needed, didn't require displays of emotion; they did not demand that he learn to get along with people. There were no feelings or relationships to maintain. He cared and he didn't care, no one else knew the difference.

It had been much easier that way.

And lonelier.

He was a different man now. The loneliness hurt and seeing people he cared about in pain, hurt even more. Cally loved him and she was very worried. He could not ignore that.

They both knew that the condition of his mind, even with the drugs, was precarious at best. Despite his denials, logically, he knew that he needed help. It was hard for him to admit that, but he couldn't ignore facts. It didn't make it any easier for him but the look on Cally's face made him feel guilty that he was making it harder for her as well. His love for her balanced with his need for independence and freedom.

Avon grimaced; for some reason sometimes love felt like pain for him. He reached up and caressed her cheek lightly. "I promise." His voice carried an unaccustomed hint of warmth along with the sincerity of a man to whom promises are things to be kept.

Cally mused that that warmth was becoming increasingly more familiar. It was something she hoped that Avon would chose to keep when they finally got the help he needed.

Chapter Thirty-Two

When Avon entered his lab, it felt like being home. It was the one place on the ship that he felt the most comfortable in. Not that his cabin wasn't a good place for him but this space was his.

Even though Cally used it to work on her medical studies and they spent time together here, this was the acknowledged place for his projects and his work. It was where he exercised his mind on problems that were his specialty. Unless there was something important, everyone else knew to leave him alone here. That is unless they were concerned about him; then it was easiest place to find him. Which could be annoying for someone who needed his privacy and his space.

Avon rubbed his palm absently as he looked over the partially finished projects that had had not been touched since he was last here. Too many things to do. Did he have the time to finish them?

So far his mind was still able to function on this level. When would this begin to be affected as well?

No. Such thoughts were non-productive and would most likely produce one of the undesirable states that would unbalance his current equilibrium. Not to mention, it would worry Cally and she would be making a visit into his mind to inquire, discreetly of course, if he was alright. The best way to deal with it was to not think about it.

Avon sat down and picked up the oscillator device that had been used to detect the Chandaran's treachery during the Commander's combat match.

**********

Vila hovered just outside Avon's lab before entering; his feet paused between going in and staying out in the corridor. Usually when he visited here, he would barge right in but today he hesitated. He knew he had to be careful. Cally had told them all that under no circumstances was Avon to be stressed.

Vila hoped that an expression of friendship would not be considered too stressful. This was Avon though, it probably would be. That was why he was hesitating.

He knew that these days Avon was willing to give more expression to how he felt about people. The positive things and only on the odd occasion, but it was far better than the guess-the-motivation attitude he used to have before.

Being open to accepting feelings from someone else was very different though. In many ways it would be even more disturbing for someone like him.

At times, approaching Avon felt as perilous as facing real danger for Vila. Being ready with a ready snark or two helped; a good offence to put him off before he could say anything, or having a good retort so that Avon would know that he was dealing with someone who couldn't be dismissed, the way most Alphas did to Delta grades.

At times he thought that he surprised Avon in the past and there was just a little bit of grudging respect. Or so he preferred to think but Avon would never admit it. There was one thing he always thought odd, of all the people that Avon did throw snarks at, he only bothered to be consistently witty with him; with him he took the extra effort.

At times Vila missed that banter from the old days but in those days he had to guess whether Avon cared about him. Sometimes it seemed he did. At other times it wasn't so clear and at still at other times Vila thought Avon despised him.

It didn't help that he had felt weak in those days, the kind of person Avon thought easily led and who let others do his thinking for him, the kind of person he had very little respect for.

Avon ran around doing things with the ship, doing researching or inventing gadgets to help them all. Extra things no one had asked him to do, just like he was doing now. The man didn't seem to rest. When he compared himself to Avon in those days, Vila felt he had barely done anything; he never liked working unless he had to. He did feel a bit guilty now.

Not to mention Avon had voluntarily gone down into danger without anyone asking him to, while he usually had to be pushed or tricked, even to help himself. Their relationship was very screwed up at times with Avon treating him badly and he using Avon to bear the risks he didn't want to and to keep him safe. It had been a vicious cycle neither of them had been able to break.

Until now. He would forgo all of the banter for this chance to build a relationship where they were both equals, sharing the danger, the respect and the work. They still had a long way to go. He had to overcome his own weakness as much as Avon had to his.

Vila's brow unfurled and he had a determined look on his face as he activated the door panel and entered the lab.

**********

Avon looked up to see Vila entering. He kept his emotional state even, not allowing himself to register annoyance at having his private sanctuary invaded. Just deal with the situation as quickly and with as little complication as possible and move on.

Vila came over and sat near him. "I wanted to see how you were. See if you needed anything."

For Avon, this was worse than an invasion of privacy. It was an expression of caring and concern; an indication that people thought he needed help and couldn't take care of himself. It was an unwelcome reminder that he was weak and dependent on others.

Emotions began to surface.

No. He had to think this through. He could not allow himself to lose control. It would be too dangerous.

In order to deal with this he either had to accept the caring or dismiss it.

Avon studied Vila's concerned face.

He remembered his resolve to rebuild their relationship. Vila was important to him. Just as Cally was important to him but in a different way.

How would Vila react to having his caring dismissed? Avon doubted if it would be good. It never concerned him before how someone else would feel about his actions. He certainly hadn't cared about his own feelings and no one else seemed to either. It wasn't that important.

It was now. Despite the denials of his logical mind, Avon was intimately acquainted with the real power of emotions. Servalan and Sester had almost destroyed him with them; they had come close to breaking him with them. He had been made to experience emotional pain and horror and paralyzing fear and guilt; in greater intensities than any human being could possibly handle and still be able to remain sane.

Avon wasn't sure why he still was. Perhaps this reality was just a figment of a mind that had finally let go. Maybe he was still in the Detention Centre. And the life of this Avon he was experiencing now, the one who was more human than he had ever been before, was really the delusion of a deranged mind. A fantasy of a life that wasn't possible for someone like him.

Vila was used to the long and intense stares from Avon but this was just a bit too long. He asked, "Avon, are you alright?"

Avon was startled out of his thoughts. "Of course."

"I just thought…never mind." Vila knew it wasn't a good idea to continue acting worried around Avon.

Avon wanted to ask brusquely, "What do you want, Vila? I'm busy." He knew that this would push Vila away and then he would have the privacy he wanted.

His mind was still caught up in thoughts he hadn't finished processing yet. He hadn't decided what he should do; he needed to finish this train of thought.

Avon realized that he had already determined that he didn't want to hurt Vila by being dismissive of his expressions of concern. It was a logical choice given his decision that this relationship was important to him; important enough to practice those expressions that other people seemed to need.

He struggled with his own pride and his need to appear strong and in control. The desires to be independent and to be able to stand alone were powerful.

Avon managed a slightly warmer voice as he said, "Thank you. For your concern."

Vila's eyes widened in surprise. "Oh, well. You're welcome."

"If I need anything, I will let you know. Was there anything else?"

Vila looked down at the oscillator that Avon was working on. "I could help with that. Not that you need any help. You don't need anyone but I thought it might be nice if we could spend some time together. I mean, if you don't mind. It's alright if you don't. I know you like being alone. And maybe I'd better leave." He got up to go.

Avon said, "Stay." If he was committed to making this relationship work, he was going to do what was needed. He would have to learn to sacrifice his desire to be alone sometimes. "We can work on this together."

Vila sat down and looked at him. His offer to help and the desire to spend time with Avon had been genuine but he hadn't seriously expected Avon to take him up on it.

Avon added with a very non-expressive face, "Not that I need any help."

Vila's face broke out into a grin. "Of course not."

**********

The lab was silent again. Vila was gone. He should be on the flight deck by now, attending to his shift. Avon was already working on his next project, a new design for the teleport bracelet. This one was to be much smaller and would be made to look and function as a normal wrist chronometer.

With Vila's help, Avon had able to finish expanding the capabilities of the phase oscillator device much faster than he would have on his own. Now it covered a much larger area and was able to detect a wider range of signals.

Avon had to admit that it had been enjoyable working with Vila. Vila had a turn towards humour and kept up a constant banter that helped distract his mind from more sombre thoughts. Too much of it would have started irritating him but that was something they would have to work on.

The door to the lab slid open revealing Argus. He strode in purposefully and came over to the table. "I know you're busy."

Avon stared at him, not answering. It was evident that he was busy, there was no need to reply.

Argus said, "I wanted to run something by you." He sat down.

Avon almost groaned when it looked like Argus was making himself comfortable for a much longer visit. "What do you want?"

"We need a way to detect the presence of the aliens."

This was interesting. "That would be useful," agreed Avon. He put the teleport bracelet he had been working with down on the table. "But it would require the capture of one of them in order to determine the differences."

Argus sighed and said, "But we would have to find one of them first."

Avon replied, "Yes."

"Damn."

"Have you considered questioning Poul and the others you're holding?"

"I have Sester and Cally doing that now."

This was also interesting. Avon asked, "You're working with Sester now?"

Argus grimaced. "Don't ask."

A half-grin appeared on Avon's face. He had observed the interaction between Argus, Reya and Sester in the medical unit. It had been amusing and very informative. "His skills should prove useful."

Argus was puzzled. Of all people, he would have expected Avon to be the one most opposed to any association with the man who had destroyed his life. "You don't mind that I'm letting him help?"

"We are using him. Not becoming friends."

Argus nodded and asked casually, "How are you feeling?" He had wanted to ask this first but didn't want Avon to know that this was the primary reason why he had come. Cally had been very explicit in her instructions. They were not to make Avon feel as if he was weak and needed help.

Avon's eyes were focussed on his while Argus tried to keep his face neutral.

Avon said, "The drugs are working."

"Oh good. I wasn't worried. I…"

"You just wanted to make sure."

"Something like that." Argus looked down at the teleport bracelet and the oscillator device he recognized. "I know you have a lot to do but none of these are more important than your health. I wanted you to know that."

Another expression of concern; today seemed to be full of them. This man was a partner and he was saying that he valued him beyond their usefulness to each other. It was the act of a friend. Avon said, "Don't be a fool. These are important. Without them we won't be able to do what we need to do."

Argus said, "I know they're important. I know what we are doing is important." He stopped for a moment, as if this was something he found hard to say. "I don't want to lose you."

Argus seemed to look embarrassed. It appeared that expressions of sentiment were as difficult for him as they were for Avon. "If we lose this battle, there will be other ones."

Avon said, "Perhaps you could have me cloned. I believe the Aurons still posses that technology."

"That's not funny, Avon."

For a second, there was the barest of grins on Avon's face. "Alright."

Argus seemed as if he was on the verge of saying something else but was hesitating again. He squared his shoulders a bit more and said, "I know we've only talked about being partners but…I also consider you a friend." He looked nervously at Avon, wondering how the other man would react.

Avon's eyes narrowed. It was too much of a coincidence that both Vila and Argus wanted to show this level of concern and desire for friendship today. "Did Cally say something to all of you about me?"

"No. I mean, she just said to be careful about stressing you. That's all." He realized what Avon must be thinking. "I'm not doing this… because of your condition. I really mean it. I've been meaning to speak to you but I'm not good at talking about things. Give me a fight any day and I'll be raring to go. But this…it's harder than…" It was getting increasingly more awkward for him.

Some inexplicable impulse made Avon extend his hand. It surprised himself as much as it did Argus. The two men who found actions much more comfortable than words, shook hands together for the first time as friends.

Chapter Thirty-Three

Cally and Sester stopped outside of the guarded cabin that housed Poul and some of his associates. Cally had been trying to keep a neutral and professional attitude with the psychostrategist. Like Argus and Avon, she couldn't help her automatic hostility towards this man; she was always on her guard around him. If she hadn't been, she knew it would have been very easy to be taken in by his warm and friendly manner. Even more now because they were supposed to be working together.

In terms of charm, Sester was even more potent than Blake, without the undercurrent of obsession or aggressiveness. He came across as sincere and open. The man seemed genuinely interested in people and was naturally sociable. Of course, Cally knew that being a psychostrategist, it didn't mean that he was interested in people personally. She maintained a very cynical attitude towards anything he said or did.

Sester had made her trust him. He had provided friendship and kindness at a time when she needed it. She didn't know until he had shown up again later that it had all been a lie. He had used the knowledge he had obtained from her in order to torture Avon. It was why she was very wary of his interest in Reya.

She was very worried for her. Cally had known the side of Sester that he used to trap others. Reya only saw it as an indication of a caring friend. Cally had made that mistake once too; she was determined not to make it again. She wanted to make sure that Reya didn't either.

Sester had the ability to press all of the right buttons to make you do exactly what he wanted, without you realizing it; or even if you did know what he was doing, and didn't want to. This was a very dangerous man.

Two guards framed either side of the door like silent sentinels. Sester and Cally were acknowledged by the soldiers.

Sester asked, "Any problems with them?"

One of the soldier responded, "No, sir. They've been quiet."

Cally pressed several buttons to activate the visual panel that Avon had set up so that they could see inside. There were four occupants of the room. Poul and another man seemed to be arguing but they were keeping their voices low.

Sester asked Cally, "What's their mood like?"

Cally had her hand to her temple and her eyes were closed as she tried to concentrate her perceptions towards the people inside. "There's much anger and frustration."

"That's to be expected. Anything else?"

She opened her eyes. "They appear to be working themselves towards some sort of action but I can't tell what it is."

Sester grinned. "Then it looks like we came at the right time."

Together they observed the men inside. Sester noted a myriad of details; the way they held their bodies, their manner when they talked, the position of their heads, the movement of their eyes coordinated with what they were saying, the particulars of the gestures used and many other things that a psychostrategist had been trained to observe and analyze. Because the men were whispering, not everything could be heard. Only what the occupants on the inside chose to be overheard. For Sester this in itself was very indicative. People didn't have two minds to be able to split their attentions fully. In what they chose to reveal, they often left clues.

In some ways psychostrategists were like telepaths. They were able to read people and know what they were thinking and feeling; sometimes even things the person they were reading weren't aware of themselves.

**********

Sester and Cally sat in an empty cabin when Poul was brought in by two guards. His attitude was distinctly antagonistic as he was led to a chair and unceremoniously 'guided' to sit.

Poul's mouth seemed to be stuck in a perpetual and hostile sneer as he looked at both of them.

Sester angled his head towards Cally and remarked, "He doesn't seem to like us."

Cally's voice telegraphed into his mind without ceremony or warning. * Do you plan to question him or are you only here to provide entertainment? *

Sester glanced at her and suppressed a smile. There would be no element of humour and irreverence in this interrogation.

Sester said to Poul, "We know you're planning to escape."

Poul's eyes widened in involuntary surprise even as Cally projected her own shock, * What are you doing? *

Poul recovered quickly and tried to sound affronted, just a bit too convincingly. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

Sester gave him a friendly smile. "Why don't I tell you what you're planning? That way we can avoid the unpleasantries."

The tell tale signs told Sester that his words were having the desired effect even before Cally said into his mind, * That increased his stress level. *

Sester knew that he didn't really need Cally here to do what he needed to do. Her limited psi abilities with humans would not have told him anything that he couldn't read himself. Of course, her most useful role for Avon and Argus, was to keep an eye on him and maintain control on what he was doing. It was very obvious. They hadn't even attempted to be subtle.

Sester could do superiority very well. "You didn't realize we could hear you, did you? The sound pickups in the room are far advanced to anything your people have."

There was a flicker of uncertainty in Poul's eyes.

Sester stared at Poul and let a few seconds pass, allowing the information to work its way towards fear. For a man in a weaker position, the lack of information was a serious handicap.

Cally told him, * He's afraid and uncertain. *

Sester finally continued, "You were planning to fake a suitable emergency requiring medical treatment."

Poul could barely suppress a contemptuous laugh and a look of relief. He said with scorn, "If you say so."

Sester smiled confidently. "So you are planning something."

There was anger on Poul's face as he realized that he had just been manipulated.

Sester wasn't finished. "Do you think it would disrupt your plans much if we put you in separate cabins?"

Poul said angrily, "You can't keep us here forever."

"Now why would we do that? You don't have any value to us and we can't just let you go either. It does present somewhat of a dilemma." Sester's brow furrowed as if he was thinking about this difficult problem. "Of course the simple solution would be to kill you."

Poul said contemptuously. "You wouldn't do that."

Sester's voice became a deadly chill, the voice of a man who was used to ordering other people's deaths without hesitation. "That was before we wanted something from you. Now your lives have become a useful bargaining counter. How many of you do you think we have to kill before we get what we want? Do you think the others would volunteer you first or are they more self-sacrificing than you are?" Sester smiled pleasantly.

* He doesn't like what you've said and he's confused. *

Sester couldn't blame Poul. He knew that the man was brave enough to die without revealing anything. The problem was that Poul knew that not all of the men in the room were. The idea that he could die for nothing other than a gesture of personal defiance wasn't a pleasant one. Sester knew this from his study of the men in the room.

He could easily have started with one of them first and save himself the trouble of having to manipulate Poul. Poul was the prize though. He was the leader, he would possess more useful information than the rest. If Poul fell, the others would likely fall as well.

Sester said, "How about a compromise? I have a few questions. Some of them are in your best interest. Some are not. I'll let you decide which interest you want to serve given the new circumstances."

Poul's eyes narrowed. "What new circumstances?"

**********

After Poul told them what they wanted to know, Cally and Sester were conversing outside the room before they reported to Argus.

Cally said reluctantly, "You're very good."

"Not good enough. We have a better idea but still nothing specific."

"We were limited by Poul's lack of knowledge about Thelis's operations, not your skills."

Sester said in a light teasing tone, "You should be careful, Cally. One might think that was a compliment."

There was no light tone in Cally's response. "It's only a recognition of your expertise as a dangerous manipulator."

Sester said pleasantly, "For a psychostrategist, that is a compliment. And it's hardly a secret now. You all know what I am."

Her eyes contained the hardness of past betrayals. "Yes. I do."

Sester inclined his head in recognition of their history. "Yes, you do. But now that expertise is available for your purposes."

"I'm not ungrateful for what you've done to help us and Avon."

Sester added, "But it will never be enough?"

"I would be lying if I said otherwise."

He told her, "I appreciate your honesty. I know that you don't believe me, but I am committed to helping Avon."

She fixed him with a look that seemed to want to penetrate into his mind. "How long does guilt last for a psychostrategist?"

**********

After reporting to Argus, a thoughtful Sester went looking for Vila. It had been a long time since they last spoke together. Someone had mentioned that they had seen him in the dining area.

Sounds of laughter could be heard before he entered the room; Vila and a woman enjoying themselves. He stood to the side of the door in order to look inside without being seen. It was Vila and Corinne and a table full of small bowls. They appeared to be having fun.

Sester pulled back a bit so that they wouldn't notice him and continued to observe. It looked like Vila had found a new friend. Or something more than just a friend.

He was happy for him. Sester decided not to intrude and headed off to his cabin to spend a quiet evening playing solitaire chess.

Unknown to him, Cally had rounded the corner and saw him observing Vila and Corinne. At first she was suspicious and hid in order to watch what he was doing. She opened up her senses to catch what she could and was surprised at what she found.

There was a strong sense of loneliness and isolation. For a moment, he seemed human. But only for a moment.

It wasn't a surprising find. Sester was on a ship full of people who considered him the enemy. Cally reminded herself that he had chosen this path. No one had forced him to do the things he had done.

She had asked him how long guilt lasted for a psychostrategist. He had stared at her and then walked off without answering. More than anyone else on the ship, she knew that he did feel guilty and he regretted what he had been part of. But she was too close to Avon's suffering and anguish to be able to forgive his torturer. As Sester walked off in the other direction towards the guest cabins, Cally wondered if there would be a day when she would be able to hate him less.

Perhaps if he found a way to help Avon to recover all that had been taken away from him. She had doubts that it was possible. The damage and degree of alteration that had been done was too extensive. Cally headed off to her own cabin to spend time with Avon.

Thirty-Four

Avon threw the molecular joiner down. He couldn't concentrate on the teleport bracelet. Since Vila and Argus had come to talk to him, his mind kept thinking about their visits.

They all wanted to spend time with him because they didn't know how much time he had left. That was the only conclusion he had been able to come up with.

Avon got up and began to pace. He knew that this line of thought wasn't healthy for him. It would create too much emotional and psychological stress. He closed his eyes and tried to bring his mind and emotions under control. The heels of his palms rubbed restlessly against each other.

The past seemed such a long time ago. He could barely remember what that control felt like; to have the ability to suppress emotions in favour of logic. That was until they became too strong and came bursting out like an angry creature that had been held back too long.

There was a twinge of pain in his back. Avon grimaced and extended himself to stretch it, trying to relax the tensed muscles. His heart rate was increasing.

He had to bring himself back under control before it got further. Avon sat down and concentrated on the breathing exercises Cally had taught him.

Breathe. Relax. Breathe. Relax. Let go. Don't think of anything else. Focus on your breathing.

Slowly his mind calmed itself but before long the thoughts intruded into his mind again; the voices of Vila and Argus.

Avon, are you alright?

I don't want to lose you.

Avon shook his head. Let go. Don't think of anything else. Focus on your breathing.

I also consider you a friend.

And then his own voice. Will you wait? And Cally's...I will, Avon. For as long as you need.

Avon opened his eyes. The breathing exercises weren't helping and he could feel the emotions threatening to disturb his fragile equilibrium.

It was obvious that his subconscious mind wasn't going to let him go until it had achieved what it wanted. The breathing exercises were only partially successful. Just enough to keep him calm but not enough to prevent the thoughts from disturbing into his mind.

As long as he could keep the emotions under check, he might have enough mental control to process each situation. And assuming he could keep away from the nightmares.

Was it a futile hope? It had been so far. He hadn't been able to control anything in a long time. Sester had said that returning the Centre drugs to his system should re-stabilize his mind and emotional state. The control was still with him. The problem was believing it after so many setbacks and failures.

He didn't really have a choice. His mind wasn't giving him one. Avon dipped a hand into his pocket and brought out one of the panic patches. He stared at it for a moment, composing himself for what he was about to do. Avon put it carefully on the table in front of him and closed his eyes.

Calm. Breathe. Relax.

He knew what his mind wanted to process.

Rational choices were easy to make. They didn't require having to think about emotional and relational impacts on the human elements. Those factors had an adverse tendency to negate the rational choices; choices that were usually needed in order to survive or to obtain ones goals.

For Avon emotions were of little significance. They weren't abilities or skills that had practical uses. And functional associations were of more use than relationships based on those emotions. It didn't help that he also found emotions and sentiment useless indicators of how human beings really behaved.

For a man to whom truth was of utmost importance, emotions were momentary things, dependent on subjective whims and the changing winds. It made human beings unpredictable and unreliable; the two things that he hated the most about humanity and the why he felt more comfortable with computers and machines. With machines there was no concept of hypocrisy.

But that was the past.

Avon recognized a very basic truth about himself now. He still didn't attach much importance to emotions, not for himself. They had a great impact on him, he couldn't deny that and they fulfilled a personal need. He still didn't see much practical value to them. But they had become a luxury that he would indulge when he could afford to.

The most significant change was in his understanding of other people. Avon had always known that sentiment and emotions mattered to them; but he had considered it pointless exercises in irrationality. The most important difference now was the connection that if people mattered to him, and their emotions mattered to them, then their emotions should matter to him as well.

**********

An insistent buzz was threatening to wake Vila up from a pleasant dream. One where he was showing Corinne the beaches of Gardenos. Her hair was…

"Stop that!" Vila griped and opened his eyes. It was his door buzzer that had stolen what he was sure was going to be a very nice moment.

Vila checked his desk chronometer. It was late but not too late. Unfortunately, he had a very early shift in the morning. He had been extremely late for one of his shifts and had promised to take the next one for one of the long-suffering sergeants.

Maybe something was wrong?

Vila certainly hoped there was some good reason for waking him up. He got up and groggily made his way to the door, narrowly avoiding stubbing one of his toes against a chair.

As his cabin door slid open, he asked, "What's the big….Avon!" Vila was instantly awake and he asked with a worried, "What's wrong?"

Avon seemed as startled as Vila was. "What are you wearing?"

Vila looked down at his pajamas. "Oh this. They're pajamas. They're for sleeping."

"I can see that. Why does it have the Justice on it?"

"Well, it's not really the Justice. I suppose it looks like it but it's the Liberator."

Avon was dumbfounded for a moment as he stared at the multiple versions of the Liberator on Vila's sleepwear.

A memory surfaced. The ship disintegrating on a monitor screen. He remembered his own ironic smile. A life for a life. The loss of Zen and the Liberator versus the death of Servalan. Or so they had all thought. There was a stab of pain in his back. Avon grimaced and clenched his teeth.

Vila's worried voice mixed with Cally's query in his head, both asking the same concerned question. "Avon, are you alright?"

He addressed Cally first before she found it necessary to come looking for him. * Just a brief thought. Nothing to worry about. *

He could tell that she was worried but wanted to give him his space. * Alright, Avon. *

Avon focused on Vila, who was looking very worried by now. "I'm fine. Just a momentary thought."

Vila asked, "Do you want to come in?" He moved away from the entrance to let him in.

Avon didn't move. "I woke you up."

Vila said, "No you didn't. Well, yes you did but it doesn't matter. I mean this must be important. You've never come to visit me before."

Avon looked beyond Vila into the darkness of the cabin. "No, I haven't."

Vila's gaze followed Avon's and he realized that he had forgotten to activate the cabin lights. "Oh." He said, "Lights." The environmental controls responded and bathed the cabin with a comforting glow.

As Avon entered he noted that the light was different from the bright one in his own cabin. Vila must have had it adjusted. It seemed to produce a more welcoming atmosphere. This wasn't a detail Avon would have considered important. The function of the illumination system was to provide light. As long as it fulfilled its purpose, any other detail was invisible to him. It would never enter his mind what effect it would have beyond that.

Why was he noticing it now?

Vila brought over a chair for him from the table and got one for himself as Avon sat down. As they stared at each other across the intervening space, Vila wondered why Avon had come.

It was very quiet. Usually Vila's active and restless mind was so full of busy thoughts that he didn't notice how silent it was in his cabin. It felt uncomfortable and made him want to fill the empty space with words. Vila resisted the urge. He had a feeling that Avon had come here for something important. It wasn't the time for their usual banter.

But they couldn't just sit there staring at each other. Vila asked, "You wanted to see me about something?"

Avon seemed to be gathering himself to say something. First his eyes darkened the way they normally did, indicating a depth of emotions breaking through to the surface. He leaned forward slightly with the familiar purposefulness of motions and the tightening of body, as if he was struggling to contain something that was no longer under his control.

By this point in the past, he would usually burst out in something negative, anger or fear that was so strong that it could almost be felt by the people around him. Sometimes his body would be so tight with tension that it seemed to tremor with the intensity of his struggle to both express and contain his own emotions. Avon didn't reach that point now but Vila could see that he was trying to contain something.

Whatever it was erupted into two words. "I'm sorry."

Vila said, "It's alright. I can see this is important."

With what seemed to be another difficult effort, Avon said, "No. It's not that."

Vila looked confused, "I don't understand."

Avon seemed to gather himself again and said, "I'm sorry for Caspar."

Vila's mouth fell open in shock.

**********

Vila's warmly lit cabin was silent again but this time it was Vila who was staring and Avon who looked distinctly uncomfortable.

Avon clarified, "That's the planet where we found the Space Rats, in Sector Five."

Vila said, "I know what it is." He was still in shock.

Avon said, "I should never have sent you down without telling you what I was intending."

Vila added, "Or Dayna."

There was a grimace in Avon's eyes at the reminder. "Yes."

The mention of their former crewmate caused them both to fall silent. It had been a long time since either of them had thought about the young woman who was no longer with them.

Vila looked carefully at Avon's face. The other man's face wasn't impassive, it wasn't emotional like other people's but there was definitely something there. Vila said, "I was mad at you."

Avon was looking at him passively, without saying anything, He had chosen to accept the cost of his admission. It was up to Vila to chose what those consequences were.

This was the last thing Vila had been expecting to do at this hour. Thinking about the past hurt sometimes. It was something he had avoided doing for a long time but for their relationship to move on, they had to deal with things that both of them tended to steer clear of.

Avon had taken a big step. Vila knew how hard it was for a man like him to deal in sentiment. Maybe it was time for him to do the same. For him it was equally as hard but for the opposite reason.

Vila said, "You'd never done that to me before. It hurt me. More than I could ever admit to you or anyone. It seemed like you were just using me like everyone else. Most days I couldn't tell if you cared or not. I wanted to believe that you did. I told myself that you did. But not that day."

Avon gave the barest nod of his head.

Vila continued, "I know why you did it."

Avon finally spoke, "It doesn't excuse it."

"No. It doesn't but…" Vila paused for a moment, trying to think. It was a time for truth between them and the truth was, neither one of them were sterling examples of humanity. There were times that they were but there were many times they weren't. They were just two men trying to survive in a world that tended to crush people like them. It had made them jaded and mistrusting; it gave them both highly developed senses of self-preservation. Neither of them wanted to hurt anyone but neither did they want to be harmed.

Vila said, "I knew if we didn't get new engines, we would've been dead in space in a few months. We were desperate. We needed someone to provide a distraction. One of us had to take the risk."

"It didn't have to be you," said Avon.

"Yes, but why did it have to be you or one of the others? Why shouldn't it have been me? I should have volunteered. I knew more about the Rats than any of you...but...," Vila faced another truth about himself. "I'd have probably given it away if you had told me. I've done it before. I never did handle that kind of stress well. Is that why you didn't tell me?"

Avon was obstinate, he wanted Vila to be angry with him. The last thing he wanted was what Vila was giving him. He was doing this because Vila's emotions were important to him, not his own. "It still didn't make what I did right. I used you."

There was no look of hurt in Vila's eyes or anger. There was only something that Avon didn't understand.

Vila said, "Avon, when Servalan sent that assassin after us, why did you take the risk yourself? Why did you have yourself beaten up? And why did you bring me along to watch?"

Avon was surprised at the change in topic. Were they finished with what happened on Caspar? Had anything been achieved by his admission?

He said, "We needed to get information on Servalan's plans before Cancer succeeded in killing us."

"But you didn't have to do it that way. Your plans usually make sense and you avoid 'pointless' risks. I mean, getting yourself pounded to a pulp is pretty pointless. It wasn't the smartest thing you've done. It ranked right up there with having yourself tortured for five days to get revenge. Why did you do it? And why did you bring me along so I could watch?"

Avon's eyes narrowed. "You think that the two are connected?"

"I think the three of them are connected. What you did to me on Caspar, what you did to yourself on Domo and what you did to yourself for Anna."

Avon rubbed his wrist absently. "You're mistaken."

"I don't think so. Sester told me that a lot of times people do things without knowing why they do them but it doesn't mean there isn't a why."

"When did you start listening to him?"

"Well, I don't, not really. But he's a psychostrategist. There are some things he does know about. I thought I might learn something."

Avon stared at him. Vila was in the process of changing as much as he was.

Vila extended his hand out towards him. "I'll forgive you for what you did if you forgive me for not volunteering to take my share of the danger."

Avon looked down at the unexpected gesture and said, "They're not the same. What you did or didn't do doesn't make what I did any less wrong."

Vila said, "No. That's true. But it works the other way too. What you did doesn't excuse what I did either. We both used each other. Can we forgive each other?"

Avon's purpose tonight had been to give Vila what he thought he needed from him. He had never anticipated anything in return. Avon reached out and grasped Vila's hand. "We can."

In that gesture, there was no ambiguity about how they felt about each other. "I will make you a promise, Vila. I will never do that to you again."

Vila said in return, "And I make you a promise too. We're in this together. I'll try to take my share of the danger. You might have to ask me, but..." Vila grinned. "I'll try not to say no."