Chapter 11
Jess stands motionless, taking it all in. Cece is impressed with the suite too—it would have been impossible not to be—but she is far more interested in how Jess is reacting. She wishes she could document this part – but that's not really something she can get away with.
The space is glorious – high, vaulted ceilings with detailed molding, enormous windows and skylights that catch the late-afternoon sun. Everything throughout is set in warm greys and cheerful blues, with yellow, red and orange accents. The whole suite is magnificent and spotless and smells like heaven.
But as Jess stands in the entryway, gazing around at the thoughtful layout and elegant furniture, she notices the view and it trumps everything else. She hurries across the room, past the stylish love seat in the living area, and straight to the balcony. Pushing aside the shimmering white curtains, she throws open the French doors, kicking off her shoes and standing against the railing. She is in complete and total awe as she inhales the sea air and feels the warm breeze travel over her body.
The ocean is a cerulean blue, darkening now with the impending dusk, a long, pale-orange V traveling wide from the shoreline and narrowing as it stretches to meet its source at the horizon. The sun is beginning to set, hovering like a glowing ball caught in mid-air, its lustrous light casting everything in an ethereal orange-pink. She feels the sun's warmth seeping into the molecules of her being, feels herself beginning to relax bit by bit.
Suddenly, the high-pitched and slightly frantic sound of Cece's voice coming from inside brings her irritatingly back to the moment.
"Hey, Jess, oh my god, look at this great champagne! This is so awesome!"
"Oh, nice!" Jess responds.
"—But hang on, it's definitely going to need ice." Cece continues rapidly. "I'll go get some. And oh shoot, babe. I forgot something in the car." She rummages dramatically around in her purse. "I've got to go back down there – I'll be back, with some ice, too, did I say that? Oh, and here, take this." – She hastily pulls out a square envelope and tosses it on the table next to the champagne bottle—"I don't know what it is – the concierge gave it to me. Be back in a few!"
Before Jess can respond, Cece retreats, slamming the door behind her.
Jess stands in place for a minute, her back to the setting sun. She's still recovering from Cece's sudden outburst. It was so jarring. She walks over to the dining table. The sooner she can address whatever Cece was talking about, the sooner she'll be able to re-enter the blissful mental state she found so easily staring out to sea.
She dutifully inspects the bottle, noting that the "champagne" is actually prosecco. She feels happy about that—prosecco is way better, anyway.
And then she notices the vase with two lavish red roses next to the empty ice bucket. And there is the square envelope that Cece just tossed against it. Inside the envelope is a DVD. Affixed to it is a printer label, which states, in all typed caps,
"WELCOME! PLEASE WATCH AT YOUR EARLIEST CONVENIENCE".
Oh. Jess thinks. It's from the concierge - maybe it's just the resort's orientation DVD? Is that even a thing? Jess decides not to be that surprised, really. This place seems like maybe it'd pull something like that, what with all of their energy-efficiency measures and naturally heated pools and fair trade organic local-produce-serving five-star restaurants and whatnot.
She walks slowly back to the seating area, holding the DVD, and pauses to look at the bright, minimalist kitchen, which is elevated slightly by two long steps. To her left is the bedroom area, also elevated, and situated in a bright and airy corner space. Surrounded by windows, it boasts a breathtaking panoramic view of the beach, the ocean, and the sky. In the distance on either side, long piers that protect the bay are dotted with fairy tale fishing boats. Jess can't wait to spend some time pondering that spectacular view.
But first things first—she figures she'd better get the boring stuff out of the way and get herself nice and oriented.
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Cece pauses in the stairwell to catch her breath. She's descended – rather rapidly—three flights of stairs, and feels she can probably safely re-enter one of these hallways now. She walks through the stairwell door and feels relieved and happy she was able to pull this off. All systems are GO, and Nick is on his own now. They really did it. All Cece has to do now is find the room she knows Nick has reserved for her. Let's see, let's see. Which floor is it on?
She stands in the bright hallway scrolling through her phone, trying to find the email Nick had sent. Right. Third floor, ocean view – Nice, Nick! She thinks. She walks to the elevator and presses the floor number on the keypad, enjoying the rapid service as she steps inside and the doors close. She really hopes her bag is already waiting for her. She's been fantasizing about a bubble bath and relaxing with a glass of wine since Nick first shared his whole crazy plan with her, and the thought consumes her as she walks past a few other doorways, pulling out her key card before she lands just outside the room she knows is waiting for her.
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Jess sits on the loveseat, slightly resentful and a little bored at the idea of a hotel orientation. But this is the penthouse, and maybe this is penthouse protocol? And when in Rome, you know?
After a few seconds, the video comes on, and the slight scowl that had settled onto Jess' face transforms into wide, incredulous eyes.
In front of her, on that huge wall-mounted panel TV, is Nick.
There he is, larger than life, sitting on the couch in the loft, and her first thought is, it's Thursday! He made it! His beard is grown out a little, and Jess thinks it makes him look thoughtful, and okay, yeah, the damn beard is very sexy. She's struck by how immediately happy she feels to see him, even after the past five days, and even if just virtually.
But she's also kind of annoyed, because like, what the hell? How'd Nick follow her to Mexico? He looks tired but determined, and he stares into the camera for a few seconds and Jess forgets all of her questions as he begins to speak.
"Alright, Nick. I'm just gonna go ahead and call you an idiot right off the bat.
If you're watching this, it's because you finally pulled your head out of your ass, and you understand a key piece of information, which is this: You screwed up!
You really screwed up, okay? You found someone—and not just any 'someone'—but you found Jess, who is a beautiful and kind, and intelligent and funny, and unbelievably sexy woman, and maybe we'll never know the reasons why, but she loved you!
She fucking loved you.
That alone is a miracle, but on top of that – on freaking top of that, she managed to make you feel…magical, and just shut the hell up for a minute here –"
He pauses, and looks intensely at the camera.
"—just shut up, because I'm not talking about magical like a goddamn unicorn, okay?
"She – Jess… Jess made you feel like you were… like you are worth everything good you ever wished would happen to you, like all that potential you squandered over the years, and all that time you wasted, and everything you ever wanted to achieve – it was like, here she was, handing it right back to you, like she was giving all these damn things right back to you, like they were never lost and like they belong to you, and like you actually,fucking deserve them, man...
Fuck…"
He starts to lose it, doubling over and sobbing tears into his lap, his hands covering his face. Jess watches helplessly and hugs herself tighter. Her heart is aching.
After a minute, Nick looks up again, clears his throat and wipes his nose.
"These three weeks, man. These three weeks since you lost her like a damn buffoon – you know they've been the worst three weeks of your entire goddam life, and it's not like your life has exactly been a picnic.
And you ought to know this, too, Future Nick: Know that whatever you do, whoever else you might encounter – none of that, not one of those people is ever going to make you stop loving her. Can you get that through your thick skull, Miller? You will always be in love with Jess."
He looks down briefly, and it's almost inaudible, but she can hear him mutter, "God, it feels good to say that out loud."
He looks up and continues.
"So I'm telling you this – Just three damn words, okay? Three words. And I don't care how long it takes, if it takes you the rest of your damn life:
Get. Her. Back.
Did you hear me, you asshat? Get her back.
Jessica Day is the best person you've ever known, and you're going to get her back, and this time you're going to be that person – that damn magical person, and you know what I'm talking about.
That guy you always thought you would grow up to be, back when you were just a stupid little kid? Turns out he exists. That guy you've always wanted to be—that guy is the person you were meant to be.
It's because of Jess that that Nick can even exist. But he does exist, and that's my point here, ya damn hack.
The Best Nick Ever comes alive because of Jessica Day. She's your future, because being that guy is your future, and you can't fucking do it without her, and you know you don't even want to."
He closes his eyes and inhales loudly, exhales slowly.
"You have to fix this, because Jess is worth everything, and if you've learned nothing else from her, at least make it so you deserve to be with her. Be that person, and just get her back, man, okay? Just get her the hell back."
She watches as Nick wipes the palms of his hands roughly across his eyes, abruptly stands up and walks to the camera. And then the screen goes black.
For a moment the room is completely still, until it feels like maybe it is vibrating so rapidly that the buzzing is almost imperceptible. Jess hasn't moved, is still seated on the edge of the loveseat, and her heart is pounding and her mind is filled with Nick's voice, with everything he's just revealed.
And then there's a shift.
She turns her head slightly, and he's there, just standing there at the edge of the bedroom, elevated slightly above her on those two long steps, silhouetted by the golden glow of the evening sky.
And he is wearing nothing. Nothing but those same damn black silk boxers, only this time he's already a step ahead of how this all happened before.
His eyes are burning into hers before he glances down at the bulge in his boxers and chuckles, looking up at her again. He smiles nervously.
"So… I, um… I guess you know how I feel now, huh, Jess?"
She doesn't say anything, just steadily rises from the couch, lowering her arms to her sides, her eyes never leaving his. Her fingers twitch with the intense need to touch him, and she's never felt anything so magnetic as her legs walk her body closer to him, the distance disappearing rapidly like she has no control over this, like she has no desire to control it. All her body wants is to defeat the space between them as quickly as possible.
She climbs the steps and she sees he's backing away slightly, holding out his hands as she advances, placing them carefully on her bare shoulders. His palms on her skin are warm and are meant to stop her, but instead they send an electric current through her chest and it swirls down through her center and shoots through her legs and into each of her toes.
She guesses he's feeling it too when he closes his eyes, and for a moment she can't register his voice, and then she does.
"Wait, Jess. Please. Wait."
And she hears him, but now she can't believe those are his words, and now she can't even form words, breathes heavily instead, and her eyes flash up at him, hurt etched on her face.
He sees the hurt and starts to panic.
"God, Jess, God, please, I have never, ever wanted anything more than I want you right now. It's all I've wanted since—"
"—Shut up, Nick." She cuts him off.
"Jess—"
"I said, shut up. I know what you're doing – I know what you've been doing. In addition to torturing me, I mean."
He doesn't speak as she reaches up and pulls his palms from her shoulders, putting her hands on his chest and pushing him rapidly backwards.
He's caught off guard by her anger and by the force with which she's pushing him, and he stumbles a little—he hadn't prepared for this. This isn't part of his plan, and he's too surprised to stop her or even register what is happening, and when the backs of his legs hit the bed, she doesn't stop, pushing him until he's lying on his back and she climbs on top of him, straddling him while she holds his wrists above his head, his legs hanging over the edge. She's flooded with adrenaline at the rush of control she feels, surprised at what she's feeling right now, at how much of it she'd pushed aside to protect herself since the last time she saw him.
This isn't how she wanted to feel when she saw Nick – and so many feelings are swirling around, and she's about to lay into him, wants to scream at him, but instead she falters when she feels him relax his body under hers and she's surprised when he raises his hips to press into her and good lord it's so everything she wants right now but fuck you, Miller, now he's rotating against her and up into her through their layers and her dress is hiked up now, gathered up around her thighs and god that feels so good, the way he's moving under her like that, and it forces her eyes closed and she hears a moan escape from her own throat and when she looks at him again, he smiles at her and there is so much going on in his eyes, and she starts melting, feels desperate to blend into him, but there's no way. There's no fucking way.
She leans forward and presses his wrists hard into the bed, leans her body over him, her chest grazing his. And then she kind of destroys him a little when she spreads her legs wider, inviting him for even more contact and he's going for it, god, he wants it, but not before she disengages, squeezing his hips between her thighs and forcing an unwelcome space between them.
He groans, missing the contact, his dick throbbing so hard, but she lifts her hips as he tries to connect again and god he just wants to so badly, but he just can't get there, and now she climbs off him altogether, brings her face next to his, leans into his ear and in a jagged whisper, repeats herself.
"I know what you've been doing, Miller."
He lowers his pelvis and relaxes again, his lips swollen and pouting, defeated. He looks even more wistful as she climbs off the bed and turns, walking away from him and she disappears back down the steps. He just lies there for a few seconds, his erection straining into the air like an abandoned lighthouse. He sits up and grabs it to relieve some pressure as he follows her, not sure what is happening.
"Jess. What are you—"
He stops once again at the top of the stairs and stares at her. She's back on the couch. She casually looks up.
"It's my turn, Miller. You want to start over? You want to fix this and make everything perfect? Let's start over."
Her voice shows no humor and he just nods, hoping he's understanding her correctly.
He turns and walks away briefly, before he re-enters the room, stands in his place. She looks up at him, meets his eyes, and neither of them blink.
"Hey Nick." She says.
"Hi Jess."
Slowly, slowly he moves his hand away from his pelvis to reveal his boner, pulsing like a divining rod, and now her eyes leave his as she brings them down, lingering on his chest and following the trail of hair on his stomach until they land right there.
Again.
He breathes in as he allows her to look, watching her and waiting for this to unfold, and he's loving what she's doing to him, loving that she knows what she's doing to him, that she understands what he wanted all along, that she's reenacting the pain of that desire as the tension builds and she's almost there, and oh god, he holds his breath as he watches her tongue glide over her lips, and it's so, so much better this time.
His breath is shallow as she stands up and her eyes are fixed on his crotch as she walks over to him, her hips swaying seductively until she's standing in front of him.
She smiles at him and leans in to place a humid, sultry kiss on the skin of his stomach and she starts to hook her thumbs into the elastic of his boxers. And then she pauses, a furrow crossing her brow, and she lets go, shakes her head, turning and walking back to the loveseat.
"No, no. That's not it. It's not quite right. Places, Miller. Take three." She sits back down.
He is dumbfounded, hasn't moved, and his penis is really confused now.
"…Jess?" he ventures.
"I said start over, Nick." She snaps back. "It wasn't perfect."
She looks away, her jaw set in defiance, and then she looks back at him with a neutral expression, as if seeing him for the first time. She clears her throat.
"Hey, Nick."
"Uh… Hi Jess—"
"—What the hell, Nick?" She snaps. "What the hell are you doing here?"
Uh-oh. The thought that she'd be upset with him did cross his mind, of course. But he hadn't thought to map out a plan for this, and certainly not one that accounted for his being almost-naked and sporting a raging boner. He closes his eyes and tries to summons strength from the original Plan. She's here, with him now – he's gotten this far. He can't let things unfold this way.
But before he can respond, she's up again, walking past him up the steps and into the bedroom. He manages to gather himself and follow her, and she's on the bed, curled away with her back to him, and she's gazing out the window. Her voice is quiet and shaky.
"How do you like that, Nick? How do you like it when you're about to reconnect with someone—in a really amazing way, and then they just disappear? Feels great, right? I'm taking a nap, Miller. See you later, maybe."
He turns back to her, his voice cracking in disbelief. "You're… you're what?"
He's just standing by the bed now, his whole body on fire, and she doesn't answer, hugs her arms around herself as she stews on the bed, and he tries not to but he can't help feeling aroused at the expanse of her thighs where her dress doesn't hide them, and god he just wants to touch her, all he wants is to put his hands on her, run his lips over every inch of her body...
But he's worried he'll make things worse if he tries to touch her, doesn't know what to do.
He can barely speak, but manages her name, "Jess…?"
She turns, rolls onto her back, and leans up on her elbows.
"God, Nick. I mean, where the hell do you get off?"
"Jess, please. I don't understand. I… I thought – "
"What, Nick. What did you think? You thought you could fix us? Like that? By disappearing and then sneaking around trying to make me remember why we… why we belong together? And if that's really what you think, then why were you gone? Why did you have to do that, Nick? After we… after the shower?"
Her voice drips with hurt and she gets up and walks to stand by the wall of windows, wanting to calm down. The horizon is a dazzling rainbow. She is so conflicted, she missed him and she's glad to see him, and she feels so angry, and she's also so, so turned on, and completely astounded by what this proximity to Nick is doing to her.
At that moment, she starts to understand that resistance is futile.
But Nick can't know that.
Not yet.
She turns to face him, gasps in surprise as he's already closed the space and there are only a few inches between them. She tries to continue.
"Just tell me what you're doing here, Nick. And make it fast because Cece's coming back and…"
She trails off, unable to utter another word as puts his hand on the curve of her waist and looks so deeply into her eyes.
"..And what, Jess?"
He lifts his other hand to her face and inches closer, kissing her tentatively, and trying not to falter as he feels her stiffen under his touch. They're like the wrong side of the magnets right now and he knows she wants to push him away, to make him wait, to torment him so he'll understand how she felt – how she still feels, and all he wants is to show her how much he understands already.
Jess hasn't said anything, and he feels emboldened that she hasn't stopped him yet as he moves to kiss her again, this time starting on her cheekbone as he plants kisses, one after the other, down to her jaw, reaches her ear and lets a sigh escape his lips right under her ear lobe, sending shivers down the curve of her shoulder and all the way down her arm as he presses his face into her neck.
"I don't know if you'll ever know how much I have ached for you, Jess. I don't know if you'll ever understand it. And, um… Cece's not coming back any time soon. I…um. I'm here because… well, because of this whole week… I—I wanted to try and fix my missteps… With you. With us."
She's fighting so hard not to give in, stiffens a little more in his arms, and pulls back.
"Wait… what? We're here because—"
"Yeah." He breathes out. "I made this happen, Jess. I planned all of this, everything at home, and this whole trip to Mexico, and it wasn't easy. Cece helped me. And so did a bunch of other people..."
She's looking at him in disbelief, thinks about Sadie, about Schmidt and Winston being so weird—and Cece too? And her mind is spinning as he continues, his hands caressing her shoulders, and it's distracting, but she's trying to understand, trying to listen as he continues.
"… And after you looked at my… um… after we had our… our shower—which, let me just say—it was like some heaven-sent gift I could only have dreamed would ever happen— but I could hear your panic, Jess, and I could feel mine too, and I didn't want to just… just take you like that, and get wrapped up in what it all meant that we'd… you know. I couldn't handle wondering if maybe you'd think it was a mistake, or the possibility that you'd regret it later."
He pauses, and looks into her eyes, his fingers stroking her back, absently playing with her hair as he continues.
"I'm sorry you're upset, and that's the last thing I wanted—I was just… I just needed you to know how I feel – how I've felt this entire time, and it's terrifying, Jess. God, this has been one hell of a terrifying journey, because getting hurt again is, like, it wasn't—it isn't anything I'm very interested in, and so I—I just wanted it to be, like crystal clear, like, so completely obvious to you that when we finally… if we ever ended up… you know…"
He pauses and takes a deep breath, looks past her at the gorgeous sky.
"…If we ever made love… again, I just didn't want any part of you to wonder how I felt about it – about you. And it was a crazy week, Jess – for me too, for so many reasons. And I made this plan—to do all these things for you – and you're right. I can't fix everything, but I ran out—away from you—in the shower, and I felt like I had this one shot to do things right before we just dove in to everything, and I made this plan and I committed to it, and I couldn't let myself diverge from it, and I knew it was a gamble – and… I know this whole thing sounds so crazy, but I just..."
He looks at her, his eyes pleading. "…I was so worried you might give up on me, Jess, and I don't want to screw up with you—ever again, Jess, please. Please don't be upset."
His words cut through her and her pulse is raging, but she doesn't say anything, just looks up at him. She still has so many questions.
But she doesn't need any more answers right now.
Instead, she wants only to show him what all of this has meant to her. And despite feeling like she was robbed before, of the chance to show him how she feels, that she really does trust him, she sees the opportunity is here, and now's her chance.
She reaches up and puts her hands on his shoulders, standing on her toes and pressing her lips against his, waiting for him to respond. And when he moves against her and groans against her mouth, she deepens the kiss and lets her tongue slide against his before she pulls him tightly against her, her arms wrapping around his neck as his whole body attempts to find as many ways to connect to hers as possible.
She pulls away for a minute, looking into his eyes, and then she takes his hands and pulls him behind her to the massive bed. He catches up when she stops at the edge and wastes no time grabbing her hips and pressing into her from behind, one hand holding her thigh so he can feel her firmly against his pelvis, and the other reaching around to her breasts, gentle and urgent as he explores her body, this gorgeous body he's been dreaming of, that has haunted him for so long, and his lips and breath quicken on her shoulders, making the delicate little hairs stand on end.
Only now he needs so much more of her skin against his skin, and he finds the tiny zipper, stepping back to unzip her dress, his fingers and thumb trailing each new inch of ivory as its revealed, and he slips both hands under her dress and glides them around to her ribcage before the dress is even all the way off, one hand massaging her breasts, squeezing each of her nipples as his other hand moves down her stomach, roaming down between the soft skin of her thighs, one finger slipping between her folds, only separated by the thin silk of her panties.
He is in awe that this is finally happening, of how much he wants her, and his renewed hardness is pressing, so desperate, into her ass, as she leans her head back onto his shoulder, and he's rubbing her faster, her panties completely soaking through. His lips entice wave after wave of delicate shivers along the sensitive skin of her neck and behind her ears, and god, Nick, she cries out as his hips and hands find a rhythm like this, until he stops when she's just at the edge and she's still thrumming with so much built-up tension, and his fingers are glistening as he pulls his hand away.
Her body is screaming for him as she stills for a moment, her back pressed against his chest, her dress gathered on the floor at her feet, and she turns around in his arms, pressing her breasts against the warm skin of his chest, and he shudders with all of the contact. She finds his eyes, sees everything she's ever wanted to see in them, and she finds his lips with her mouth once more, hovering so close, so their breath is the same breath, and so he can feel the charge in her body that is there just for him before she leans deeper and whispers into his ear.
"I want you to tell me how much you've wanted me, Nick."
Her words make his breath catch because… how? How can he possibly make her understand that? But she wants it so he has to try, at least.
"God, Jess, I've…"
"—I want you to tell me why you made me wait so long for this, Nick… for us to be like this again. If I had known you felt like that… God, Nick… Why did you have to make me wait?"
He feels a lump in his throat as he sees her eyes glistening, but he's relieved when she kisses his jaw and grazes her lips against the rough stubble on his cheeks, her breath uneven as she alternates between kissing his lips and kissing his neck until her kisses become more fierce when they land on his mouth and their teeth clash and he's trying to tell her, trying to let her know how he feels, but she won't let him speak, and she's so turned on, so aroused as his hands slide everywhere over her body like he can't get enough of her, holding her ass and he stoops low to run his hands down her calves and he squeezes them as he presses his face against her thighs and he kisses and sucks the soft, tight skin on her ilium, rising again slowly to trail his lips and tongue up her body and around her belly button, his lips closing over her nipples as he stands, and it's making her crazy that they're still wearing clothing at all.
She pulls him backwards as he kisses her again, and moves up the bed and lies on her back and he pauses before following, hovering above her, his eyes glistening with emotion and so much desire. Slowly he lifts one knee and slides it between hers until he's kneeling on the bed between her legs, his wide palms running up her legs, and his thumbs are trailing lines of ecstatic lightning up the insides of her thighs as his fingers sneak around to her hips, slowly lowering her panties until they're all gone and he tosses them aside. She sits up and reaches for his boxers, and he smiles as he helps her out, taking those off too and they both pause before he leans down and kisses her stomach again, letting his tongue and lips battle for contact as they make their way up between her breasts, and he's still kneeling with all this space between them, and all she wants is to feel all of him against her.
She leans up on her elbows as his face lingers between her breasts, and he looks up at her between kisses, seeing in her eyes that she wants him now, that she just wants to feel him, finally, and he slides his knees backwards as his throbbing erection lands against her center, his arms wrapping around her body as she holds herself up, and as he starts to move against her, she cries out and lies back, arching her spine over his arms and it gives him even more access to her neck and her breasts, and he lifts himself up a bit, reaches up in the pillows somewhere and then back down between them, installs the condom while still holding her with his other arm, his palm splayed against her back as she lifts her head and he looks into her eyes as he positions himself right there, right at her hot center, and he groans with how wet she is.
He's holding her against him as he slides into her, and she whimpers against his shoulder like she's dying in the best way possible. She can see his ass moving in slow circles, can feel the way the pressure ebbs and flows as his ass cheeks tighten and release, and he's so gentle at first until he's not anymore and it gets desperate as each thrust brings her closer to the edge and she's basically going to come already, she's biting her lip and he can feel her tightening around him, god its so soon, and fuck, he doesn't want this to be over, but he can't help what she does to him, and he's pushing into her as one half of this writhing beast and she's rocking against him, and it's so, so fucking good. Her orgasm starts first, building like a tsunami that rips through her entire body and it sweeps him with her until they're convulsing in another dimension as they lie wrapped in each other, still connected and rhythmically pulsing as the jolts continue and their breathing starts to even out, and he can feel her heart racing, and she's shaking, and he looks at her face and sees her tears.
For a moment he looks heartbroken and he holds his breath as he softly wipes her cheek with his thumb, but when she smiles and kisses him, long and slow, he's so relieved, so thankful that he's still inside her, moves gently to release another few waves of ecstasy, and laughs softly as she whimpers with that smile that is everything.
He can finally breathe again. And yeah, okay. He is feeling a little bit like a unicorn.
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