Chapter Eleven - The Scent of a Woman

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot of the Twilight Saga are the property of its author. I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media. Copyright infringement is not intended, nor will I ever make a dime from this fanfiction.

Song for this chapter - Love Stinks - J. Geils Band

AN: If you don't have Cullenary Coupling on alert, even though the story is complete, I've been adding outtakes to it. Also, if you have your PM's disabled, I can't respond to your review.

As ever, thanks to LJ Summers for her Highlighter of Doom, amazing beta skills, and snark on the side. Many thanks to Twitina and MamaBean for the pre-reading.

**This chapter contains positively pornographic snark and a reference to underaged illegal drug use. Drugs are wrong. I am not endorsing their use in any way. Enough said. ***

Snarky Summary: Marcus has placed Aro in charge of Victoria's army, to keep him out of trouble and haze him on the side. Aro has had a Dark Side makeover. Jacob, who is working that, "I'm your best friend," card for all it is worth has expressed the desire to spend more alone time with Bella. As part of his evil plan, Edward has decided to be supportive of this venture. Edward and Aro has been convincing the wolves that they really think Satan is all kinds of awesome. Jake had a bad run in with some wildlife a time or five. Tanya and her sisters are on their way. But they aren't here yet. (Next chapter.) And with that, let us begin.

Bella wanted to spend more time around the shapeshifters, due to that timely invitation by my least favorite skunk-magnet Jacob Black, and this created conflict. We needed her to understand that – for her physical well-being! – she was going to be accompanied any time she was around the wolves. Much to my chagrin, I quickly learned that Bella did not respond well when the word "forbid" was thrown in to any sentence involving her behavior. And worse, if the word "order" was used in the same sentence with any wolf's name, she retorted that I had better be referring to Chinese take-out because nobody but her father got to order her around. She became even angrier if "insist" or "for your own protection" were used, ranting that she had managed to survive just fine using her own judgment when Victoria was after her and I and my family were gone. My dear little deranged one seemed to think the condition that we had found her in was satisfactory. I should probably talk to Carlisle about adjusting her anxiety medication to a lower dose. Clearly, she was so mellow, medically speaking, that it was making her reckless. I should know. I was a doctor. Twice. Being completely professional. Stop laughing.

Her temper was a sight to behold. Her right cheek would twitch, she would narrow her eyes and glare. Even worse, her clothing stayed on. No more bathing together. Rats. But the nightly parade of lingerie continued. She knew how to play dirty. The part of me that was not dying of blue balls admired her braggadocio. My dear little death-defying one was driving me insane; although for the record, she reached The Cliffs of Insanity first.

It irritated me to no end that she did not appreciate the danger that a new werewolf presented to her, dismissing my legitimate concerns with an airy wave of her hand and a sound of, "Pfft, I'm fine." I didn't want to control her. I just wanted to keep her safe, in spite of her complete lack of self-preservation. I mean, we were talking about a human who regularly kissed a semi-reformed mass-murdering vampire. She had no sense of what constituted danger. And due to the pack of out of work strippers - I mean the wolf pack loitering around,- I could not set foot on Quileute land without all supernatural hell breaking loose. Bella being around young wolves was intolerable. In addition to that whole could-die-forever-and-ever-amen problem, she could also go blind from Jacob's spray tan. Someone had to look out for her welfare. It was the adult thing to do. That meant I had to get rid of Jacob Black before he did something delusional — like order wedding invitations for him and Bella. His thoughts had him all but married to her within months. What a moron. His overconfidence bordered on the ludicrous.

And I needed her earnest, most-definitely-in-vain-suitor Jacob to know, without inflicting direct bodily harm – alas – that Bella would not be marrying anyone. Except for me. Of course. Sometimes life was just so unfair. Why couldn't I, like any other self-respecting demon, kill the man that threatened the heart and soul of my beloved? Right. Because that would hurt her. The things I did for love. So began what my family jokingly called "the stench wars."

The odor from this pack of wolves was even worse than it had been all those years ago. It would have made our eyes water if that were possible. It literally was enough to do the near- impossible and make a vampire's stomach turn. And much to our surprise, we had the exact same effect on the dogs to the exact degree. I discovered, from infiltrating the pack mind, that our scent to them was overwhelmingly sweet, burning their nostrils and making their eyes water as well. Unlike us, however, they could get sick and occasionally - much to my entertainment - be overwhelmed by a pocket of scent and vomit.

So when Bella insisted on seeing Jacob at his fake-engagement party, I did the only thing I could to let him know he could look but not touch, since urinating on her to mark my territory was not a gentlemanly option. The predator in me needed to make a statement to the dog. A statement that would hopefully induce vomiting, a time or three. And if I did this right, possibly an epic temper tantrum or five. I might not really pray to the Dark Master, but I could certainly channel him when necessary. Besides, with Marcus and Aro helping me, that really was the equivalent of having my own personal Satan and his lead minion as wise counselors.

The first foray into the war of the odors happened when Jacob called and asked Bella if she wanted to go shopping. What the devil? Bella detested shopping. Traipsing about through the young Mr. Black's addled brain proved fruitful. Jacob had found what he thought was the perfect plan to get her attention. He wanted to have her help him purchase tight jeans for his posterior. This man gave Narcissus a run for his money in the self-centered contest. He even waxed his chest for the occasion in some revolting ritual he called "manscaping."

"Are you sure that you don't mind dropping me off? I can always drive there, you know."

"I love being with you. It's my pleasure to take you to meet your friend." I managed to say that with convincing sincerity and zero amounts of vomiting.

Bella said, "We need to get going in a few if we're going to meet them on time."

"Fine. I'm going to miss you." I held her in my arms and gave her a passionate kiss like I knew she loved. Wanting her to remember whom she came home to, I used my tongue to trace the outline of her lips, knowing that it drove her insane with desire. I smiled when I heard her whimper. Kissing her the way that I did had the added advantage to leaving my scent noticeably on her lips; so if the dog tried to kiss her he'd get a mouthful of me. Okay, that sounded bad. I'm talking stenchtastically speaking.

"Gosh Edward, when you kiss me like that, I don't ever want to leave."

Take that, Jacob Black with your man boobs. I suppose he did have an advantage having them. When he was old, he'd have a convenient, albeit droopy, bath plug.

I sighed and kissed the top of her head. "Well, I will try to restrain myself. Are you ready to go?" I even stooped to adding in a furtive caress or two on her upper back as I made my signature move. I pulled her into my chest, tucking her little head under my chin and exhaled my scent all over her, keeping my face impassive but dancing for joy in my mind. I literally stood there for a good thirty seconds ensuring that she was coated and basically supernaturally dripping with my essence. Not that kind of essence. Pervert. My scent. From my breath.

We were standing in the living room. Marcus was out back with the newborns, teaching them how to wrestle. He had told Aro that making them perform Tai Chi for hours likely proved boring to them and that they needed some stimulation to burn off that excess energy without resorting to a full on riot. So they were in the back yard, with an enthusiastic Volturi guard and Jasper and Emmett watching Marcus give hell to a gangly punk from Portland.

Aro had taken to wearing wire rim sunglasses with round lenses. He looked like John Lennon meets Ozzy Osborne on crack. He was dressed all in black again. This time he sported a Rage Against the Machine long sleeved sweatshirt.

Aro shouted at the punk, "What is this? You're a newborn! You have all that fresh blood in you! Fight like a newborn!" Marcus was easily holding the man despite his struggles. The newborn grunted and flopped about like a trapped fish on land.

Demetri sniffed, "If we were in Italy, this group would have been disposed of weeks ago."

Jasper glared through smiling teeth. One of the more adept newborns actually managed to understand Demetri's Italian and began to whimper.

"But it's not," Jasper said, "And it's Aro's call. Which means you should be helping them learn how to fight."

Aro clapped his hands together. "An excellent idea, dear Jasper! Children," he had taken to thinking of the newborns as his children. God help them. "You must all look at Jasper and Felix and Demetri. They will teach you how to glare like a professional, like a true Volturi guard." Felix growled at the newborns like a proper vampire should. Five of them started weeping like infants. Sadly, they were all older men. The women looked frightened and impressed and, God help them, aroused.

Jasper beamed calm at them. On that cue, his mate crooked her finger, signaling that it was time to leave for their hunting excursion.

"Aro, my mate requires feeding. Please excuse me." Without waiting for an answer, Jasper sprinted to his wife.

We were all so preoccupied, no one saw it coming until it was too late. We had four innocent humans in two groups approaching the house. First, we had the nice missionaries from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, who rode bicycles all over town and had exceptional manners. Behind them, trailed a rather bitter pair of Jehovah's Witnesses - bitter because their rivals were converting more to their religion. The wind shifted. Three of the newborns' noses began to twitch. Their thoughts immediately became overwhelmed with the desire to feed.

I said to Bella, "Do not leave my side, no matter what."

"Got it."

"Aro, we need to secure the newborns; we have visitors not of our church."

"Not many people worship the Dark Master, Edward. Unfortunately." Aro looked mournful.

When I said 'not of our church,' I wasn't referring to religion. "I mean that they are tasty to your charges," I replied in their dialect of Italian.

"Oh. Dear. Children!" Aro started clapping his hands for attention.

I used my gift to track our approaching visitors, two young gentlemen who had been by the house before: Elder Thompson and Elder Weekes. Although who would name their sons Elder confused me. Why not Younger? Taller? Smarter? Regardless, Mother had a soft spot for them. She always fed them cookies and lemonade.

Elder Thompson said, "Rats. Those Jehovah's Witnesses are stalking us again. I swear they think we are in competition. It's sad."

Elder Weekes sighed and said, "Let's concentrate on the mission."

"Right. What's that noise?"

"Sounds like they are playing games in the back yard. They have children a little younger than we are. We should try to meet them." If only he knew.

Elder Weekes straightened his tie and rang the doorbell.

Neither one of them noticed the group of newborns running at them with arms outstretched.

In the lead were eight newborns. Six of those were women of the non-crying variety and they had learned just fine from Felix how to look scary. Too bad our visitors were oblivious to their impending doom. Behind them came Felix, Demetri, and eleven of Marcus' soldiers.

Marcus waved at a few of his soldiers that loitered nearby just as the first newborn shrieked and dashed in the direction of the front of the house. All the rest gave chase. I was the fastest runner, yet, I couldn't leave Bella. But this was our house and killing an innocent human, much less four of them, could force us to have to move, not to mention be unpleasant for the aforementioned human. Father was upstairs reading. I yelled for Emmett and Rosalie. Mother came from her study. I said to Bella, "Stay with Mother, please. I don't need to worry about your safety right now."

Then I ran for the missionaries' lives. I went straight through the house, opened the front door, greeted both with an, "I beg your pardon," because my mother raised me right, and yanked both men inside by their buttoned-down collars and deposited them on a nearby bench.

Bellowing, I leaped with arms outstretched into the mass of shrieking newborns. It looked like a scene from a zombie movie.

I dove for the newborn leading the charge and tackled her, knocking her into the seven behind her. They all went plowing to the ground. I landed on top of the girl I thought of as my sister Alice's evil twin: dark hair, slight build, similar haircut with absolutely no fashion sense. Her shirt was torn. I needed to come up with some reasonable excuse quick. Mother and Bella and Elder Weekes and Elder Thompson were at the front door, bug-eyed.

Elder Weekes babbled, "He lifted us both in the air like we were children."

Well, compared to me, they are. Children. His partner asked, "Mrs. Cullen, what are you feeding them?"

She couldn't very well answer, "Human blood for now, but we hope to switch to deer soon," now could she? Too messy to explain without having to chomp either man on the neck. The Jehovah's Witnesses stood well away from the carnage.

One said to the other, "Myrtle, these people are beyond our help. They are engaging in public sex. Look!"

She pointed an accusing finger. At me. I straddled one squirming young lady who kept chanting. "Mine, Mine, Mine. Give it to me! Now!" It didn't help matters that from their angle of observation, it looked like the shrieking newborn was tugging at my belt.

"Honey," Mother called, "What are you doing?"

I could see from her thoughts that I had the deer in the headlights expression. Like the coward I was, I took the first available excuse I could think of. I saw a scrap of red under my hand and held it aloft.

"I'm playing capture the flag. I won."

Easily distracted creatures, the newborns started cheering for me. "He won!"

Bella covered her mouth. Mother did her best to keep a straight face. Elder Weekes covered Elder Thompson's eyes. The Jehovah's witnesses screamed, turned tail, and left their magazines behind in their haste to scurry off our private property.

I then realized the scrap of fabric I had in my hand was half of Alice's evil twin's brassiere. I yelped and stuffed it in my pocket.

Marcus mentally said to me, "Act like everything is perfectly normal, Edward. Stand up, offer a hand to the lady and then cover her with your jacket." Marcus was the man. I did as he instructed.

Aro took Alice's evil twin by the hand and crooned. "There, there, dear. Let's see about getting you some proper clothing. I think we have another change of clothes for you."

"Can I wear all black like you?"

"Why, of course, my angel."

"Master Aro, do I have to wear a bra?"

Mother said firmly, "Yes, she most certainly does."

Aro sighed and patted the young woman's hand. Once he was out of hearing range of the front door, he said, "I think it would be appropriate, dear. All the human women do."

"Then can it be black?"

"We will see what we can do. Walk this way." He led her to one of the guest cottages. Who knew having bad fashion sense could turn into a gift?

Father picked that time to show up and save my neck. "Gentlemen! Welcome! I was so looking forward to talking with you this week. Would you mind coming into my study? I would love to discuss theology with you." Charmer, that one.

Elder Weekes thought, "Gosh, those Cullens have a houseful of teenagers. Where do they put all of them?"

Mother hissed at us, "Behave, you all," and followed the men into the study. She shut the door. Thank God.

Rosalie waited until the missionaries were out of earshot and stuck her hand in my – oh my stars – front pocket and retrieved the scrap of fabric with a snarl. "Smooth move, jerk." Wasn't that an oxymoron? My sister had just almost touched my junk. I needed to go sterilize my body. Now. I was surprised they didn't shrivel up and fall off.

Rosalie sniped, "Is she going to meet that dog?" at vampire pitch.

"She is."

"So that's why you've soaked her in your scent?" She smirked.

Perhaps I smirked. Fine. I totally did. "Guilty."

"I think you can do better than that."

"What? How?"

Rosalie said to Emmett. "We need to hug Bella." I would have been tempted to claim that my sister had crossed over to the Dark Side, had it not been for the fact that she was showing affection to Bella for spite's sake.

Emmett said, "Cool with me."

Both of them went over and Rosalie actually sounded sincere when she exclaimed, "Oh Bella, I was so scared when I saw that pack of vampires coming straight for you. Thank goodness you're safe."

"I'd hate to have to crush any of them. Glad you're okay." Emmett picked her up and patted her back.

"Thanks, guys. I'm fine."

Bella took the hugs from my sister and Emmett well. So Marcus decided he needed to hug her, too. My beloved now was a walking vampire stench bomb, and she had no idea what we were doing. The newborns loitering around asked if they could hug Bella. They wanted to do more than hug her. Cretins. I growled at them. And they backed away.

"Ready?" Bella asked, glancing at her watch.

"So, where am I taking you?"

"Jacob needs my help buying jeans. He says he has a girl he wants to impress." Right. Asshole. He needs help, but not finding jeans. Lots of help. Professional help. Speaking of help, I might possibly have given Gus and Douglas a lift. They were hiding on the floor in the back seat. What? Even I needed friends in my time of need. And right now, I definitely needed their assistance. For moral purposes. Of course.

I dropped her off at a local shopping center that had the pack loitering in front of it. Then I drove a few blocks away, out of the scenting range of the wolves, to wait for my love. Douglas and Gus scampered into Bella's seat. Both looked at me and wondered why I was here and Bella over there. Good question.

"I have to wait for them to finish shopping. But you can go do whatever you desire to Jake."

Both fled through the open window, racing each other. An owl decided to get in on the fun. Jake had tried to shoot her with an arrow. She owed him.

The latest information from the pack mind made me laugh out loud. Smelling Bella absolutely repulsed them. She waved back at me from across the parking lot before turning to meet Jake. The wind decided to shift, blowing a waft across the wolves.

I heard multiple mental cries of, "Jesus Christ, how does she stand it?" followed by a chorus of, "She doesn't even look bothered and she stinks!"

"Sam, I think it's Satan that is making her smell like that," Paul declared. "We should sprinkle her with holy water and burn sage over her."

"No." Sam replied.

"But -" Sam covered Paul's mouth. "She's coming closer. Hold your breath."

They kept their distance from her, bounding in the other direction as if a skunk were running amok perfuming with deadly aim at everyone with her odor. Bella, of course, my dear sweet girlfriend, had no idea they were avoiding her.

Sam snarled at Jake, "Make our excuses. This is your problem." He waved at Bella with a cheery grin, pulled Paul by the back of his shirt, and all the wolves scrambled into the car and drove away.

With watering eyes Jake said, "Sorry, Bells, the others had to leave for patrol."

"Jeez," Jake thought, "How the heck am I going to kiss her? She freaking stinks like a bleach factory exploded. Hey wait, I have an idea."

Inspired by Paul's comment, Jacob had to go and decide that the best way to get rid of Bella's odor was to smoke it out. Literally. But not with sage. Despite the fact that he was sitting on a planter in front of a busy shopping center, he whipped out a marijuana joint and patted his pockets looking for his lighter.

Bella snapped, "Jake, what the heck are you doing?" She snatched the lighter out of his hand. "That's illegal!"

"No worries. I do it all the time. No one has ever said a word! Want some?"

"Um, my dad would totally kill me. And just because you haven't been caught, doesn't make it okay."

"Relax! It's legal if you're being treated for repression."

"I think you mean depression. And you aren't being treated for that."

"Says who? I'd like to see the police prove that." Jake stuck his chin out at the perfect angle for the owl. Who picked that moment and swooped down while Jake was distracted trying not to vomit. My partner in clearing up crime snatched the joint right from his mouth. Bella clapped a hand over her face and laughed as Jake cursed words I am too well mannered to repeat.

The owl felt her work was done and dropped the joint at Douglas and Gus' feet. Douglas peered at it curiously. Gus lifted it up, sniffed, and munched on the end. I managed to convey to him that he shouldn't eat all of that. So he decided to give a bit for Douglas to nibble. Lovely. They liked it. Now I was going to have two stoned animals.

Jake wailed, "Fucking animals took my shit. I've got another one, I think." Jake patted his back pockets. Bella looked for me, nodded her head, and said, "Jake, I need to go. I'm sorry I can't stay."

Jake was relieved. "That's okay. I'm not feeling so hot." He then sucked in a lungful of air and hugged Bella. As quickly as possible, she walked away from him and came to the car. Douglas and Gus chased after her.

"At least she'll go back stinking," Jake sniped.

Two could play that game, sonny boy, I decided with a smirk. It was time to move to the next phase. Meanwhile, I had two soon-to-be-stoned animals to care for that were doing the equivalent of giggling in the back of the car. Life was good. And about to get better.

Tanya wants you to know that shopping takes time, darlings. She will be showing up next chapter. Gus and Douglas are making the peace sign at you. Please review. They're hungry.