C.J. woke up and she'd been in her own bed. Her body wrapped up in sheets and her pillow over her head.

Not that Duke hadn't tried to get her into his bed but she'd demurred after the concert even though they'd traded some kissing. She liked him but when he'd suggested they move the action back to his place, she'd just said no. But after she settled into bed alone later, she wondered if she'd made the right decision. Some nights, she just wanted a man to hold her, to feel his arms around her, the warmth of his body cloaking her from the outside world. Someone to keep the bad dreams at bay while she slept.

Her confrontation with Matt after what they'd shared on the ridge left her prickly and a bit raw so it'd be nice if she had someone soften those edges. And if she had to use some sex to get to that point was that so bad? So she'd lain in bed for a while staring at the shadows on the ceiling, thinking about what it'd be like to not feel so alone.

When Matt had returned into her life, she felt all of that more intensely. She certainly did when she'd been wrapped up in him that morning before reality caught up with both of them.

She still felt the sting. Maybe a night with Duke would have erased it, along with everything else.

Pushing the covers off of her, she finally got out of bed to get ready to go to work. She'd spend another day getting dirty doing work in the nursery in the hot humidity retreating to the herb section with some iced tea. Who would have thought a coastal village would be experiencing heat waves, but at least she wasn't in the tropics.

She checked her phone and she didn't have any messages. From Duke or anyone else so she slipped out of her shirt and panties and headed to the shower. The water felt good and shook the last bit of sleep out of her and she toweled herself off after stepping in the shower. She didn't look forward to seeing Matt at work but she'd just continue to ignore him if he gave her attitude.

Matt had tossed and turned in his own bed after he'd nixed Clover's invitation for a nightcap and a night in the sack at her place. He told her that he'd meant what he said about not taking their relationship further and she'd said she had accepted it. Still she seemed to push the envelope on that but he just didn't want it.

His phone vibrated next to his bed. He looked at it and saw that it was the feds. He clicked to take it even though he wanted to throw it across the room.

"Hi…who's this?"

"It's Bruce…where are you?"

Matt sighed.

"None of your business," he said, "You don't need to know except that I caught up with C.J.."

"Well the feds want to talk to her since they've been reviewing that botched surveillance operation."

"The feds need to be more focused on keeping her safe and out of the hands of Rodrigo and his men."

Bruce sighed.

"We know about that situation," he said, "I believe Stu and Enrique have both spoken with you about it. We're doing the best we can without her here."

Matt sat up in bed.

"Yeah that's right while Rodrigo's holding an auction to sell her off even before he's caught up with her," he said, "and then what will happen?"

"We could protect her better down here at least through the trial."

"That won't be long enough and you know it," Matt said, "Even if Rodrigo goes down, he's got people everywhere to pick up where he left off and that might include going after his enemies."

"God, this whole case got screwed up after what she did," he said, "We shouldn't have used her."

Matt's body tensed.

"She got the disk. It just went south after that," he said, "Maybe for other reasons…other things that were overlooked."

"So you're saying it's our fault then."

Matt bristled at what Bruce had said, feeling the defensive tone in the other man's voice.

"No…just that I'm not sure what happened or why Rodrigo did what he did…started shooting."

"He's a remorseless killer Matt," Bruce said, "Doesn't need a reason just an opening and she might have given him one."

"Maybe you shouldn't be talking about her like that until you're done with this…investigation."

He heard a harsh chuckle on the other end.

"Why don't you figure out how to handle her and leave the decision about what went right and what went wrong up to the experts?"

Matt paused.

"She behaving herself with you?"

Matt didn't like the insinuation in the man's voice and gritted his teeth.

"She's got a job and a place to live," he said, "and I'm keeping an eye on her."

He heard the other man sigh.

"You'd better be really doing that because if she winds up getting sold by him to another trafficker, no one will be able to keep her safe."

Matt couldn't argue with that, as he clicked off his phone and wondered what to do next.

C.J. dried her body off and slipped on her work uniform of jeans and a tank shirt to get some breakfast before taking off to work. Sunlight streamed through the window and she knew it'd be another hot day. Damn, she hoped it'd cool down soon but she'd have some shade time today.

Then after her work day was done, she'd be meeting with Miranda at the clinic. That made her a bit on edge because she'd never been to see a counselor before and didn't know what to expect. She'd been interrogated by the federal team of experts after her assignment but she felt it more invasive than anything else and hadn't said much of anything. Even though she really hadn't said much.

But she felt now she had plenty to talk about and she needed to share what she had inside her with someone who would just listen.

Someone who didn't know her background and someone who wouldn't judge her for the decisions she had made.

She had been doing that enough already and with Matt constantly throwing his two cents of judgmental attitude in, she'd had enough of that.

As she ate her oatmeal, she thought about all the warnings he'd given her about Rodrigo and she knew to remember them. That even now despite what happened between them, he still cared about what happened to her.

After grabbing her things, she left the house locking it up tight and looking around her before she headed to her car. She got inside and drove onto the nursery.

Matt watched as C.J. headed towards the herb sales section to sort out the different types of basil and thyme. She'd always enjoyed cooking with most of them so working with them in their elemental form likely made her feel at home.

The tank top she wore today accentuated her toned shoulders and the outline of her breasts, the same one he'd loved to hold in his palms while he outlined her mouth with his tongue.

But he knew she wouldn't welcome it.

C.J. finished lining up the herbs the way she liked them before heading off to dig up her lunch that she kept in the refrigerator inside the store. She'd made a roast beef sandwich and added an apple and a bottle of iced tea.

Now she sat in the shaded area near the ornamental vines section and ate it. Clover and Matt had been working by the pond again and their chatter wafted back to her on the ocean laced breeze. Obviously their relationship continued to thrive because Matt had found a woman he knew wouldn't betray him.

Duke had called her back several times wanting to go out with her, translation wanting to hit the sheets with her. She hadn't decided yet what to do but she would think about it some more.

She thought maybe the day would come when that's all she could do.

"You are going to finish the annuals before you leave early?"

C.J. looked up at Adela and nodded.

"Sure thing…and thanks for letting me leave early."

Adela shrugged.

"No problem, we got plenty of help during the times you need to leave early."

C.J. tensed as he nodded again.

"If there's ever a problem…"

Adela shook her head.

"This is something you clearly needed to do for yourself and Miranda's a great woman, helped me a time or two."

C.J. wondered if she should have told her boss as much as she did but she didn't want her to think she'd be flaking out on her work. Adela was right, she did need to do this for herself. She needed to feel like she could move forward for the first time in a long time.

"Thanks…and I'll start in on the bonsai plants."

Adela smiled and then headed back to the store while C.J. finished eating. She did enjoy working here even though Matt had crashed the party. Something about being surrounded by nature made her relax and caused the tension to ebb out of her. Even if nightmares woke her up, she'd come to work and sit among the lavender section for a while and find herself feeling better.

Staying away from Matt helped too. He'd made it clear he was going to watch out for her to make sure Rodrigo's thugs didn't grab her but she'd just become a point that he had to make through her safety.

"You are finishing up lunch?"

She looked up at him.

"Yeah…you and Clover need help with something?"

He leaned against a short wall, looking like he was about to get started. She knew she didn't want to hear it.

"No…she's looking at the lily pads making sure they've survived the dredging."

She sighed.

"Look Houston what do you want me to say? There's really nothing left."

He nodded.

"Yeah you've got Duke to keep you happy."

She countered quickly.

"You've got Clover," she said, "and I'm glad for you. You shouldn't be alone if you don't want to be."

And bothering her to boot, she didn't add. But if he'd been so happy with Clover, what had happened between them when they got hot and heavy at the ridge? Feelings that hadn't entirely faded away or maybe something deeply buried that had resurged suddenly, more quickly than either could stop.

"C.J.…what happened…"

She knew what he was going to say, what door he was trying to force open but she just put a hand up to stop him.

"Just stop it Houston, go back to her and leave me alone."

He just stared at her but he hadn't moved. That pissed her off, bringing up feelings from way down deep she hadn't known to be there.

"I mean it Houston."

"I know…"

She almost felt like bolting at that point but she kept planted in her seat, not willing to concede him any ground.

"No you don't…but that's for different reasons, because what really happened isn't what you think. Not that it really matters because what you define as true is everything."

He didn't yield any ground either.

"If you ever want to explain that, you know where to find me."

She watched him walk away, as she fumed at his words. But she couldn't deny some truth to them that she did have to find a way to live with what she did.

Matt returned to work alongside Clover who looked at him when he returned but didn't say anything

He started moving some potted trees closer in line after the recent sale had nearly depleted their stock. Damn her, he kept telling himself, fueling his own anger. Hadn't what he given her been enough? He felt his muscles tense and his skin burn because while he'd been trying to push some sense in her, he'd really wanted a part of what they'd shared.

"Matt…you ready for another night at the club?"

He turned around and saw Clover looking at him.

"Sure…I'll pick you up around eight okay?"

That seemed fine to her and he knew she would help him forget.

Miranda took her into her office which looked both comfortable and efficient with shelves filled with all different kinds of books and paintings on the wall.

C.J. looked around as she always did at the simple décor.

"Great place…"

"I picked it up pretty cheaply and renovated it under a local commercial enhancement grant."

C.J. sat on the couch, suddenly feeling overwhelmed.

"I don't know what I'm doing here…why I come sometimes."

Miranda looked directly at her.

"Yes you do…you've been thinking about needing to talk to someone about it for a while and you finally reached your tipping point so you did what you needed to do."

C.J. thought about how that made sense. She'd had lain in bed at night for months weighing her options of how to face the rest of her life with what had happened in her past. But she didn't know how to say those first words or how safe it would be for her once they passed her lips.

"It's still so hard…so complicated to even make sense of most of the time," she said, "I can't even really think about it, just feel…"

Miranda smiled at her.

"Most things are complicated…until you start talking about them and breaking them down into their elements."

"Yeah well, that's so hard in itself…when I get to certain parts of it…of what happened."

Miranda jotted some notes and then looked up at her again.

"Then I know we've talked about a few things but why not start from a different angle…when did it start?"

C.J. leaned backward on the couch.

"My business partner and I…we do investigative work and we did undercover for some feds and it got messed up."

"How…something that happened?"

C.J. nodded.

"He and I…we crossed the line between us and we became lovers before the assignment. We both wanted it…we've already talked about him."

"Yes…but everything's like a diamond, multi-faceted and when you look at it from a different angle, the way the light hits it just a little differently, it's like looking at something in a new way."

C.J. nodded thinking that made sense.

"There was a crime lord who the feds were after and they got intelligence that he and his close partners would be attending a party hosted for them…so Houston and I were hired to pose as guests while we did surveillance."

"So what happened with that?"

C.J. paused for a long moment.

"We went to the party…to act out our roles while trying to get information then it all went wrong."

Miranda frowned.

"What do you mean?"

C.J. bit her lips and rubbed her arms.

"Everything went wrong."

"You mean Matt's cousin was shot and badly injured," Miranda said, "and is in a wheel chair now paralyzed from the waist down."

C.J. nodded.

"But that wasn't all that happened was it?"

C.J. just looked at her a long moment and shook her head.

C.J. left the building after her session with Miranda, feeling like she'd left a part of herself behind. The counselor had listened to her for about an hour and hadn't judged her. She mostly didn't say anything except asking a question now and then as if reluctant to break her chain of thought.

She'd said all she could say right now, without feeling the tug of reproach or something greater than that. A lot hadn't been said because she had started off so slowly and at the end of the hour, she had just stopped until next time.

Miranda had given her a journal, a blue spiral notebook really, to write down her thoughts when she felt she needed to examine them more closely. Sometimes they passed through her mind so quickly it was like catching fire flies, but Miranda told her it would help her.

To jot them down quickly without analysis and then to examine them later on when she had more time to do so….which did make some sense to C.J..

But she'd been so new to telling some stranger about areas of her life that she'd kept buried, more content to let people believe untruths rather than learn what really had happened to her that night at the estate.

Her chest felt heaviness when she looked back at a time when she'd felt everything had been perfect. As well as it could be while both of them were pretending to be other people yet these latent feelings between them had surfaced.

She walked out into the lingering heat of the late afternoon back to her truck, feeling like she could use a beer right now. Feelings she had suppressed for so long were creeping to the surface, bubbling from inside her and she didn't know how to stop them. At least the alcohol would numb her for a while.

Maybe she should meet up with Duke and go back to his place. The alcohol would numb her feelings and spending the night intertwined with Duke might made her feel better.

Slipping into the seat of her truck, she still hadn't made her decision so she just sat there for a few moments. Miranda had given her some mental exercises to do to help her fall asleep at night and to deal with the nightmares that woke her up staring into darkness.

"I didn't want it."

Miranda just listened.

But C.J. couldn't say much more than that, not today.

Oh she definitely needed a beer so she headed out to the store and then maybe take the beer and some dinner out to the beach to watch the sunset. That sounded like a plan and she headed out.

The store proved to be quite deserted and she took some pasta and chicken to go along with her drinks and she headed to the cove where she went when she needed some time to think. She had a blanket and some towels in the trunk and even a fold up chair if she needed them.

Matt had gone out for a run after work, feeling suddenly very restless. Clover had invited him to dinner but he'd begged off. C.J. had left earlier and he'd watched her head out her truck.

She looked so beautiful even dressed in her work clothes, her hair clipped back only slightly, its curls still resting around her face. Adela had given her permission to leave early and then had come out and given him and Clover some extra work. Not that he minded because his thoughts were still dominated by what had happened at the ridge. Her skin felt soft beneath his fingers, her mouth perfect beneath his lips. Until she started pulling away again and pushing at him.

He had gone home and changed into running clothes and then headed out to the beach, to take the dirt trail near one of the parking lot that'd wind through the forest there until it snaked down onto the packed sand. The beach itself likely would be deserted because most people had headed off to a special concert at the club tonight.

Where Clover had invited him but he hadn't wanted to go to see C.J. listening to the music with Duke's arm wrapped loosely around her shoulder. So he'd opted out and gone to burn off his excess energy instead. He'd run so hard in the next hour or so that he'd be drenched with sweat and his muscles tired in a way that would help him sleep that night.

The trees still bore life, the birds singing in their branches where they couldn't be seen above him. The air smelt of redwoods, flowers and more than a hint of the ocean which lay below unseen.

The ocean reminded him too much of the nights he had watched the waves curl and crash on the pearly sand beach with C.J. standing close enough to him he could almost hear her heart beat. She smelled of wild flowers and her fingers elicited sensations inside him that drove him crazy.

Now she didn't even seem to want him to touch her…only when she did, she seemed to hunger for it. Until something reminded her of what stood between them.

The taste in his mouth became bitter and he picked up his pace passing a cluster of ferns and horse tails nearing where the trail forked down onto the beach.

The trail went down straight to the beach and he proceeded as fast as he could run so when he crested the bottom, the feeling of lightness hit him. The way it had been to hold her in his arms and rock against her in his bed. She'd gasp in his ear when he hit her favorite spots and when she came; his name had been on her lips.

What had happened to tear those memories they shared apart?

He ran along the beach, the scenes of the past playing in his head where he didn't want them to be. Why hadn't he seen it, why hadn't he stopped her, why had he failed in judging so badly?

Asking those questions served as a salve for the turmoil inside his head, because he'd pushed back others so hard that he no longer remembered them. No, it had been about betrayal, he reminded himself because…because and something slipped through his defenses, he couldn't consider the alternative.

C.J. sat on the beach on her blanket sipping her beer and eating her pasta feeling content to watch the ocean crash on shore.

The night of the party she'd been given a job to do and she'd done it. She had found the disk that held the information the feds sought, the purpose of infiltrating the gala. But before they could leave with it, the situation changed on a dime. Then the nightmare began, the one that still had them caught up in its grip. Paralysis in its different forms for Will and his cousin Matt and for her…she closed her eyes sharply.

No she didn't want to remember but the memories started flowing through her anyway, holding her captive once again, miles away from their source.

Matt turned past the dune and looked up suddenly seeing her in front of him and he froze.

He just stood there watching her drinking beer and eating food while sitting on a blanket. C.J. appeared deep in thought and not aware of her surroundings. That made it the perfect opportunity for someone to appear and ambush her before she'd even know what happened. But if she couldn't be careful.

Then his mind nagged at him. He'd been hard enough on this issue with her and so rather than say something to her, he just watched. As long as he did, then she'd be safer. There'd been no signs anywhere that Rodrigo or his men had been hunting for her up around here though with a man like that, he might not provide much in the way of a warning before his attack.

She looked peaceful sitting there, the side of her that he never saw anymore. Her hair blew gently off of her shoulders and she paused a while between each sip of beer taking bites of her food and looking out into the waves that broke on shore. He wondered if he thought of that beach miles away which had witnessed what had been the most memorable moments of his life. They had gone there to iron out the logistics of their undercover stint with the feds but he'd not been able to resist.

And neither could she.

She didn't feel that way anymore about him. She'd frozen him out of her life and from some place deep inside of her. He looked out into the ocean which wasn't sky blue and clear as it had been on the island but was greenish blue cast by a lining of white caps. A wind kicked up some coolness over the heat that had basked the town that day. The water would chill the skin, he knew from having swum in it even on the hottest afternoons.

Then he looked back at her and saw her looking at him.

C.J. thought damn, why did Matt have to be everywhere she looked. It was bad enough she thought about him way too much and dreamt about him too. He looked handsome enough as he stood there and his face had softened. He'd been such an ass since he arrived here and with her own body betraying her with him despite his attitude, she knew she needed to get some perspective.

But when he walked over to her, she had to brace herself in different ways all over again.

"What are you doing here by yourself?"

She heard the reproach in his voice and thought, okay that's how he's going to be again. She just lifted her chin up and looked up at him.

"I'm perfectly fine alone here and in fact I prefer it."

"You're wide open C.J.," he said, "What if his men show up?"

She sighed.

"What if you left me alone and stopped judging every move I made?"

He hadn't expected that question, she could tell feeling a bit of satisfaction.

"C.J., I'm not judging you…"

She interrupted him, her eyes showing some resignation.

"Houston, that's all you do, all the time," she said, "and I don't think you have that right."

He rubbed the bridge of his nose.

"I'm just concerned about your safety."

She shook her head.

"No…you're just angry and you're resentful at stuff that can't be changed now," she said, "You think you're the only one that wishes it were different?"

He looked more agitated then, was he going to start lecturing her all over again?

"Yes I do…I wished we'd never taken that damn assignment, that I hadn't felt like I owed to an old friend."

She just felt so many emotions well up inside of her, they almost threatened to overwhelm her again and she couldn't let that happen in front of him. She couldn't let him see that struggle for control she'd faced so many times. It'd be weakness, it'd given him a power over here she didn't intend.

"You don't understand Houston and you never will," she said, "but please don't tell me over and over what you think you know. Because you don't know."

His eyes flashed because he hated being told he didn't know something. That was his way of feeling weak.

"C.J.…"

She raised her hand.

"Look I've been meeting with someone, a professional," she said, "Someone who listened to me, who didn't judge me and who's trying to help me sort through a lot of things. But the one thing I learned was to stop apologizing for what someone did to me."

His eyes narrowed.

"You mean Rodrigo?"

She nodded.

"Because there's so much you don't know Matt," she said, "and I no longer feel like telling you."

She looked at him and knew he'd gotten her message. That she'd cut him off from what she felt deeply inside. What she'd tried to talk to him about so many times but he'd cut her off.

"Why…we used to be able to talk about anything."

She sighed, remembering those times but she didn't feel safe enough to do that with him anymore. Everything had changed in a short period of time but if the tension between them were to be unraveled, it would take much longer.

"I know but we're not in that place anymore," she said, "I don't trust you enough."

His eyes sobered up and she knew any words he'd planned to stay wouldn't pass his lips.

"I miss those days."

And she knew from the tone of his voice just then, he meant them but that didn't change anything.

"I'm sorry Houston…but I've figured what I need to do to feel whole again and it's not coming from you. It can't come from you."

That angered him and what she saw sent some sadness through her.

"How can you say that?"

She took a deep breath.

"Because I just need to find my way back so much," she said, "and I'm finding my own path."

He left not long after that and she sat there for a while drinking her beer. She felt depleted just from that short conversation but also lightness over her that she'd been missing. She hoped he'd take her message and give her the space she really needed. Maybe he needed that time to deal with his own issues because she'd sensed that she wasn't the only one who bore scars from that assignment. But Matt had never been that good at admitting anything that made him appear weak to others.

She watched as the sun set over the ocean, the sky moving from rosy pink, to purplish which merged into navy blue which would soon be woven with stars. After she finished her beer, she picked up her things and went back to her car. Damn she wished it could have been different that she and Matt had remained together to build something rather than have been ripped apart. But wishing didn't make things so and life remained all about living with what you've been dealt.

The truck started up and she drove back to her house, which waited for her. She walked inside and flipped her light switch before heading to the kitchen to hit some of that ice cream that still remained. She just took the box and a spoon to the couch, and sat with her feet tucked under her eating it.

Serena had given her some exercises to do before she tried to sleep, to unwind her enough so that she could reduce any tension she took to bed that might manifest itself in nightmares. So she cleared her mind and started them, letting the memories of the day waft away.

Clover looked up at Matt as they sat on the porch step. He'd dropped by her house after being at the beach and they'd taken some beers out where they sat.

"Matt, you doing okay…," she asked to break the silence.

He looked over and nodded.

"Sure…maybe we can head off to the club and listen to some music."

She seemed happy enough to do that. If he saw C.J. there with Duke or anyone else, he'd deal with it. He had ruminated over what she'd told him on the beach and he hadn't liked it but he knew better than to argue with C.J. when she got like that. Sometimes he felt like she had been ready to tell him something she kept hidden but then she stopped clearly not trusting him with any secrets.

But she'd been talking to someone and if that person helped her sort through things, then that'd be a good thing.

"It's country western tonight…we could do some line dancing."

Matt thought that didn't sound bad, dancing helped him forget at times what he didn't want to remember. But he harbored memories of dancing with C.J. in the privacy of his home, slowly moving to some music on the radio. Then he'd kiss her while she pressed her body closer to his and he'd run his fingers along her back before he clamped them on her hips.

One night they'd started out dancing and wound up against a wall after disrobing to the beat of the music, until their sighs drowned it out as he pressed her as he penetrated her body which wanted him so much. He took a deep breath to stop his heart from racing just at the memory.

Those had been simpler times even in a world of danger. Now the minefields were both more insidious and intimate and he didn't know where to step next without setting one off. Clover started stroking his back while he sat there remembering another woman and he felt like a heel. She was a nice enough woman, fun to be with but she didn't harbor a place in his heart.

But she knew that, he told himself over and over. She had to know that and maybe when she looked at him, she saw someone else too.

After finishing their beers, they got off the steps and headed to his car to drive off to the club, to focus on the present and not the past.