Ok. First of all ya might be wondering. Where'd yours truly run off to when I've got ALL the time in the world to write my deepest thoughts. And why I'm about to fly off the handle...in four seconds.

BLAME THAT SMUG AS HELL PROCRASTINATOR ROY MUSTANG.

I swear he exists to piss me off. And I believe he does it on purpose.

And enjoys every single second of it.

Why else would he bombard me with SHORT jokes that get worse by the day?!

Here's a taste of what I have to put up with.

"Hey Fullmetal. I can't see you very well. Either you've gotten shorter or my paperwork's GROWN."

"I can't wait for the day you submit an actual REPORT instead of all these illegible scratches Fullmetal. A chicken writes better than you. What are you five?"

"So another dead end on the Philosopher's Stone? I'm not a walking bank chief. We do have a little something called a budget."

Colonel. With all due respect.

Shut the hell up.

At least I'm not totally USELESS when it comes to a little water.

And I dunno how Hawkeye doesn't put a cap in your annoying ass.

Oh wait. I do know. She's head over heels in loooove with yoooou.

Roy and Riza sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G.

NO. I DO NOT NEED THAT MENTAL SCARRING.

Bad enough he twits me on the subject on girls and when he does my thoughts almost always...uh..shift to a certain blonde gearhead. Who likes to throw wrenches at my head. And who has curves in all the right places-

Wait. Hold on She's my BEST FRIEND for God's sake! Nothing more.

I swear this is turning into a habit. A very dangerous one. If she only knew the kind of thoughts I've been harboring lately she'd put me in a coma for a month.

Or maybe not. Al tells me when we're alone, that she doesn't always glare at me. That when I'm asleep she watches over me with 'soft, loving eyes'. Meh. I dunno, it's hard to gauge her anymore. After all...she IS a girl. Like I said there's no magical formula to a female's soul. And, if I'm being perfectly honest, a manual would come in handy when dealing with said whimsical gender.

Hmmm. Now that I've given this some careful thought and my ears open, I've made a few discoveries that might prove helpful. Hey it's better than nothing. I don't like going into something this serious unarmed.

So let me tell ya what I've learned.

Women can be found in various grades ranging from virgin material to common ore. This is interesting. As an alchemist you need to be well-versed in metallurgy which I happen to be an expert at so this isn't too bad a start. They also seem to boil and freeze for no apparent reason. I'm no stranger to chemical reactions its expected when altering a physical substence to another state. But I'm at a loss when an explosion occurs...

They're also the most powerful money reducing agent known to man. Trust me. Winry's tool collection ain't cheap.

Among other useful things I've learned about women in general is they're excellent cleaners. And most of them are magpies. Believe me, I've saved my skull many a bashing by that gearhead's almighty wrench several times with multiple pairs of silver earrings.

See? I pay attention.

Al says I only do it to avoid the pain.

Whatever. As long as she's happy then I don't care what happens. Besides she hits hard.

And Mustang?

Get laid.

God knows ya need to blow off some steam. I'm sure Hawkeye would be more than willing to be the fuel to your fire, am I right?

Feel free to prove me wrong Roy-boy.